BABY IT'S DUMB OUTSIDE  4:55 pm December 20, 2012

Super Appropriate Professional Holiday Card: Sexy Santa Goes To Thailand

by snipy

santa clause cameThis will come as no surprise to most of you, dear readers, but sometimes lawyers are really terrible people with low social skills. From the weird commercials (no really go watch it now now now because there is a lawyer getting pelted with ham and bacon) to the petty grifting (you stole neckties, really? that’s your crime, lawyer? DO BETTER CRIME!), there are any number of reminders that law is not currently America’s most noble profession (that’s the priesthood, duh). One of the worst terrible lawyer traditions is the law firm Christmas card. It tries (and usually fails) to be respectful of non-Christian denominations. It tries (and usually fails) to not look like a pitch for business. These things all pale, however, in the face of this magnificence:

Terrible Terrible Christmas Card!!

We can’t even begin to count the ways this thing is awful. It is like the 12 Days of Being Awful Christmas. From the wry, yet completely unfunny, wishes for a “litigious new year” to the hokey “fake deposition format,” it is awfulness at first sight. There’s even Christmas-themed names for the lawyers and court reporters.

To really get the full awful, though, you need to read the entire “deposition” of Santa. Hold tight, because we’re going to hit a giant pile of stupid. There’s grumbling about discrimination:

I gave the naughty children coal, I got sued for discrimination by the naughty kids. “Why does Santa get to judge?” “Blah, blah, blah. . . .” Lord help you if you challenge a kid’s self-esteem these days. So anyway, this year I gave all of the children coal. Now I’m getting sued by the nice kids! And the EPA is claiming the coal delivery was an illegal dumping of hazardous waste. I can’t win!

There’s idiocy about unions:

Christmas gets lumped right in with Obama-phones! Now the elves want to unionize. The feds tax the milk and cookies! Why should I bother? If the nice kids want toys, they had better vote.

The real …what’s the opposite of reward? Punishment? The real punishment comes if you make it all the way to the end, where you get “racy Santa:”

First, me and the reindeer boys smoked some mistletoe and hit the Vegas night clubs. But by 2am the table service girls were asking why we weren’t out delivering presents. So we hopped in the sleigh and headed to the Thailand clubs where the girls don’t ask questions, so long as you keep the candy cane flowing. Ho, Ho, Ho.

Who doesn’t love a nice Thai-sex-worker allusion in their holiday cards? Yr Wonkette would probably do such a thing, but we are not soliciting clients and we are us.

[Michel & Associates Holiday Card from Hell]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 127 comments }

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Bo's White House Christmas card is now in second place for Most Evil Card Ever?

Maman December 20, 2012 at 5:32 pm

We loved Bo's Christmas card. In fact, I have photoshopped my girls onto Bo for Bo Ho Ho Card of my own!

Whollyholeyholy December 20, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Yeah, I feel kind of bad for all my friends and their kids. Bo is my favorite card.

ChillBill December 20, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Santa is old, fat, White and lurves Christmas. It only makes sense that he's a Republican.

Baconzgood December 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm

He gives shit away. SOCIALIZUMZ!

Tundra Grifter December 20, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Works one day a year…

Redgyal December 20, 2012 at 7:54 pm

It only makes sense that her prefers Thai brothels.

coolhandnuke December 20, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Santa's little helper–lawyers, guns and money.
Apologies to Warren Zevon, who I dearly miss.

Barbara_ December 20, 2012 at 5:00 pm

One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I can feel the bailiff walking next to me.

Barbara_ December 20, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Good one, Johnny!

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

The queens we use would not excite you.

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

HEY!

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Thanks, Barb, I have a zillion of them!

Antispandex December 20, 2012 at 5:14 pm

You better go back to your bars, your temples, your massage
parlors…

Barbara_ December 20, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Antispandex, chess players are sexy. : )

vulpes82 December 20, 2012 at 10:18 pm

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.

EDIT: Dang, you'd think I'd have learned by now to keep scrolling to make sure the joke hadn't already been made!

ph7 December 20, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
Kid: Mrs. Santa?
Willie: No it was her sister.

Advn2rgirl December 20, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Oh God, I love that movie. I could only find the unrated version last year, though, which is not as funny as the original.

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I have news for everyone:

Even 10 nights in Bangkok won't make the softest lawyer humble.

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Ho ho, ho, indeed.

Fare la Volpe December 20, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Those outfits are terribly impractical for life above the Arctic Circle.

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 5:04 pm

It's still funnier and less annoying than Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

Baconzgood December 20, 2012 at 5:15 pm

BARKING DOGS LIBEL!!!

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Don't they know it's Christmastime at all?

Baconzgood December 20, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Actually as a jazz (and Peanuts) fan that's the only song I can stomache. They had Christmas music playing on the PA at my new Jerb since mid November. If I have to listen to James Taylor's Have A Merry Little Christmas again we will have a merry little hostage crisis at work.

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Yeah, I thought it kind of walked the line where everybody could think it was aimed at the other side. (Now I'll look up this lawyer and find out he actually is a conservative douchebag.)

sullivanst December 20, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Linked from their home page is this.

hillarysleftone December 20, 2012 at 6:31 pm

yep. Somebody thinks they're fucking hilarious. Pretty obviously asshole #1, this Michel character (whose signal achievement btw seems to be representing fucking Exxon in the Exxon Valdez case) thinks he's funny and everybody else (let's give them the benefit of the doubt) has to pretend he is, while squirming with embarassment. 'Cause he's the kind of guy who names his firm "Michel & Associates" so there's no doubt who the boss is…

PS there's a woman attorney there whose pic SCREAMS that she's picked up the same bundle of neuroses (and for the reason, take a look at Michel, Esq. again) as ol' Tilda Swinton in Michael Clayton, poor thing.

(I declined the challenge to click onto the 2011 masterpiece, for the same reason Jules doesn't know whether sewer rat tastes like pumpkin pie or not)

sullivanst December 20, 2012 at 6:43 pm

The 2011 one is the identical format, only this time starring Karl Marx caricatured as only an avid Fox News viewer could and made the spokesperson for the Occupy movement. "C.D." (I find it very hard to trust a man who won't even tell you what his name is, although strangely enough my impression of him could easily be made to match those initials) was right about one thing though – the 2011 version was actually even worse than the 2012.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 21, 2012 at 6:35 am

"Represented Exxon in the Exxon Valdez case" is probably his hyper-inflated version of "was one of a dozen fungible associates banished to the document review dungeon by one of Exxon's lesser law firms."

FlownOver December 20, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Also, they say they "represent firearms manufacturers, wholesalers, and retailers in product liability litigation, defend against firearms-related criminal charges, and challenge ill-conceived or unconstitutional state laws and local ordinances in court."

Assholes. Q.E.D.

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Consider me shutting the fuck up:

Our clients include the National Rifle Association, the California Rifle and Pistol Association, law enforcement agencies and officers, industry trade associations, gun shows, importers, manufacturers, distributors, dealers, indoor and outdoor shooting ranges, special-effects companies, prop houses, armories, pyrotechnicians, and individuals who face firearms-related federal or state licensing and compliance issues or criminal charges. Michel & Associates, P.C. is Consulting Counsel to firearm retailer advocate FFLGuard for all California legislative and litigation issues.

http://michellawyers.com/practice-areas/firearms-

sullivanst December 21, 2012 at 10:30 am

I suspect if the California Rifle And Pistol Association had been paying a little more attention to their acronym, they might have tweaked their name slightly.

Also, I shall henceforth assume Chet dumb.

BerkeleyBear December 20, 2012 at 8:14 pm

The idea of "firearms" as your second specialty for a one named firm (ie reflecting the personality of the founder and typically small) scares the crap out of me.

Well that and the bizarreness of using the GG bridge for a firm supposedly in Long Beach.

TribecaMike December 20, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Nervous Norvus libe– aww forget it.

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 2:19 am

Okay. You're old.

Fare la Volpe December 20, 2012 at 5:04 pm

So we hopped in the sleigh and headed to the Thailand clubs where the girls don’t ask questions

So long as you don't ask either. "Say, why's there a candy cane in your dress?"

zippy_w_pinhead December 20, 2012 at 5:04 pm

"First, me and the reindeer boys smoked some mistletoe"

I bet they scored it from Miley Cyrus

Fun w/ Cthulhu December 20, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Who / what are "reindeer boys" is what I want to know? Are they analogous to lady boys? And when smoking mistletoe what is the kissing tradition that goes along with that? Inquiring minds want to know. …or just me.

mbobier December 20, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Serves them right, since mistletoe is toxic.

zippy_w_pinhead December 21, 2012 at 2:29 am

at least it wasn't bath salts…

ManchuCandidate December 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

On the first day of Xmas, my lawyer sent to me… one shittty card.

zippy_w_pinhead December 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm

and a bill…

Botlrokit December 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

So there's a pissing contest between who built Christmas now?

South Park is prophetic… there really is a Jesus vs. Santa Claus fight a-brewin'!

gullywompr December 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

♫ It's the MOST
horrible time
of the year ♪

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I'm glad I saw this before I posted similar! But if I hadn't: Damn you!!

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I haz a sad over this thread. I'm suddenly reminded that Sylvia Kristel died this year.

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I spent one night in Bangkok and I'm not that hard a man, but I was humbled by their cellular service.

finallyhappy December 20, 2012 at 7:29 pm

When I reached Bangkok- cell phones weren't invented yet

DahBoner December 21, 2012 at 10:19 am

Yeah, how do they talk on a noisy street corner or a disco thumping with bad mudic like it was nothing? Their internal brain noise filters are amazing…

coolhandnuke December 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Santa's drinking buddy is Manuel Noriega.

weejee December 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Santa is passing out Rockefeller dimes this year? Whoot!

PopeEdgardo December 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Lawyers being dicks. What next?

weejee December 20, 2012 at 5:12 pm

On the last day of this session the Senate floor sees Lindsey Graham explode out of his closet in a Spandex™ onesie and then leaps onto Joe Lieberman's lap for a parting embrace.

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 5:42 pm

(barf – projectile)

zippy_w_pinhead December 20, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Those Thai club girls have their own candy canes, thankyouverymuch…

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 5:07 pm

From the weird digs at discrimination suits, the EPA, unions and that strange "Obama-phones" nonsequitor (seriously, WTF?! guess that's some wingnut meme I've missed), I'm guessing this is a corporate defense firm; those lawyers tend to suck, and suck hard.

Fare la Volpe December 20, 2012 at 5:14 pm

You know how the government can help you get a prepaid emergency phone so that if someone breaks into your house you can have 15 FREE minutes to call the cops? The wingnuts never knew that this thing that has existed for years existed and thus it's all Obama's fault. The end.

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Oh, and I suppose this tiny bit of help for the poor is somehow a bad thing, because taxes are tyranny or something.

sullivanst December 20, 2012 at 5:37 pm

They CAN'T be poor because REFRIGERATORS and MICROWAVES. Wake up SHEEPLE!

FlownOver December 20, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Hmmmm… I first read that as "taxes are tranny."

Too much nog, not enough egg. Call me a cab.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 21, 2012 at 6:38 am

You're a cab.

sullivanst December 20, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Looks like their specialty is suing the EPA and/or the zoning committee to let you build that toxic factory wherever you damn well want it's your fucking money, and also defending you when you wave your penile-compensatory arsenal at the crowds of protestors at your front gate.

Baconzgood December 20, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Did someone say bacon?

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 5:13 pm

I had bacon for lunch; it was good.

Baconzgood December 20, 2012 at 5:33 pm

The lil' lady bought veggie bacon, cause she no eat the meat, and asked what I thought of it.

I told her "it tastes like bacon if you never had bacon and someone discribed what bacon tastes like"

bikerlaureate December 20, 2012 at 6:09 pm

cause she no eat the meat

:|

Fuck Toad December 20, 2012 at 11:36 pm

As a longtime vegetarian, I can say that vegetarian bacon resembles the real thing roughly to the degree that a blurry photograph of a nipple resembles sex.

And it turns out it's not even a nipple, it's just a pencil eraser.

Not even a _sexy_ pencil.

Misty Malarky December 20, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Let's get Santa Clause 'cause;

Santa Clause has a red suit
He's a communist

And a beard, and long hair
Must be a pacifist

What's in the pipe that he's smoking?

Mister Clause sneaks in your home at night.
He must be a dope fiend, to put you up tight

malsperanza December 20, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Tragically, Arlo is a registered Republican and a Paultard. That high-pitched whirring sound you hear is Woody spinning in his grave.

An_Outhouse December 20, 2012 at 8:07 pm

no way?

Misty Malarky December 20, 2012 at 8:48 pm

I have a cat named Arlo! I hate to think I now have to strangle it.
Needs must when the devil dives, as they say.

Fuck Toad December 20, 2012 at 11:36 pm

It makes no sense, but somehow it is true.

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Michel & Associates — the George Armstrong Custer of the War on Christmas.

Antispandex December 20, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Well, I was hoping for a BJ for Christmas, but I'm not going all the way to Thailand! For crap sakes, don't we do anything in America anymore? This outsourcing bullshit is going too far!

Fuck Toad December 20, 2012 at 11:37 pm

come along this way I'll hook you up

Radiotherapy December 20, 2012 at 5:11 pm

law is not currently America’s most noble profession

Journalism is.

Baconzgood December 20, 2012 at 5:11 pm

For "educated minds" their snark is at a -3.

Fare la Volpe December 20, 2012 at 5:13 pm

I gave the naughty children coal, I got sued for discrimination by the naughty kids. “Why does Santa get to judge?” “Blah, blah, blah. . . .”

It's really reassuring to know that a group of defense attorneys find basic anti-discrimination law to be a punchline. Happy court date!

Lascauxcaveman December 20, 2012 at 5:40 pm

It's just and extension of their high school debate teams, to them. They don't really care which side they're arguing.

sullivanst December 20, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Or as they put it: "[Our] lawyers readily adapt to the particular needs of each client."

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:37 pm

I'm actually surprised that they didn't try to make light of racial discrimination, because it would have been so easy.

joshleefolsom December 21, 2012 at 9:32 am

The NRA is a client. They are the Devil.

YasserArraFeck December 20, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Hm – obese dude bitching about social programs before heading off for some righteous drug-fuelled sex-tourism………Rush, is that you behind the red-clad fupa?

mavenmaven December 20, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Well, at least they kept the religious language, and showed that they truly understand the deeper meaning of Christmas.

weejee December 20, 2012 at 5:17 pm

From another dimension, Schrodinger's cat wishes you the best this holiday season.

/ with love from Mrs. weejee

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 5:29 pm

It both does and does not wish you a "Happy Holidays!".

smokefilledroommate December 20, 2012 at 5:19 pm

…and the punchline is "a good start".

Edit: Damn ChillBill.

sullivanst December 20, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Just like coal, this card is toxic and flammable.

WhatTheHeck December 20, 2012 at 5:22 pm

lawyer briefs libel!!!!!

Callyson December 20, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Card: WTF?

Ad: JFC.

Happy holidays!

/FFS

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 20, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Just remember, a lawyer might save your ass some day….

Or put it away.

decentcitizen December 20, 2012 at 7:54 pm

I never saw a client in jail that wasn't glad to see me.

smokefilledroommate December 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I'm going to start replacing "Fuck No" with "Jingle Bells No" just for the holiday season.

MissTaken December 20, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Oh hell, even my company, which is in the evil hedge fund industry, kept our card to just "We Wish You The Best For The Holiday Season and For The New Year". Is that so hard?

Whollyholeyholy December 20, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I'm on dumbass overload, which really pisses me off. They're good for nothing but the mocking, and I am failing to laugh today.

Estproph December 20, 2012 at 5:35 pm

In the matter of children et al v. Mr. S. Claus, it is the judgement of this court that the plaintiff's case fails on merit. Ownership of coal is not a right, and therefore should be considered a gift, as it has value to the receiver. Fa la la la la, la la, etc.

Rebootably_Joe December 20, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I'm really glad I have a law firm like this out there to remind me who the real people creating value in our society are.

gullywompr December 20, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Another nickel.

not that Dewey December 20, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Can't they just take pictures of themselves dressed as homeless people, like normal law firms do?

Infrogmation December 20, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Well, there has been a warrant out for Santa's arrest in Chicago since 1928: http://www.flickr.com/photos/infrogmation/8263034

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Old-timey, G-rated snark!

malsperanza December 20, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Oh jolly, Michel & Associates specializes in preventing gun control in southern California:

"Among other things, our attorneys appear at agency and legislative rule-making proceedings that impact firearm owner interests, assist in drafting firearms legislation, represent clients in firearm licensing matters, represent firearms manufacturers, wholesalers, and retailers in product liability litigation, defend against firearms-related criminal charges, and challenge ill-conceived or unconstitutional state laws and local ordinances in court."

Also too, they seem not to know that mistletoe is toxic, so when that hilarious card reaches families, and some of the kidz try sparkin' a mistletoe blunt, we can expect lawsuits and hijinx to ensue. Or, with luck, the staff attorneys will roll a little j at the party tomorrow.
http://michellawyers.com/practice-areas/firearms-

zumpie December 20, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Ironically, being the marketing person for a law firm is a very easy, cushy job. Excepting really agressive ambulance chasers, most law firms consider it very tasteless to actually pursue clients…so their Marketing Manager probably spent the better part of the year on this and planning their Xmas party.

Barrelhse December 20, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Another squirmish in the War on Xmas.

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 6:53 pm

I'm still trying to fathom the role of the pineapple in this scenario. It's…weirdly disturbing.

Guppy December 20, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I got enough of the "Santa railing against Big Government" from Fox & Friends this morning (visiting family watches it, unfortunately). You know, for the kids.

Personally, I'm more concerned with a Floridian "standing their ground" on the night of the 24th.

mbobier December 20, 2012 at 7:47 pm

That last paragraph gives new meaning to the idea of soliciting clients….

decentcitizen December 20, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Well, law firms generally know their clients so we can assume their clients are assholes.

An_Outhouse December 20, 2012 at 8:02 pm

as long as the ho's get me sammich, i'm cool with it.

Tundra Grifter December 20, 2012 at 8:11 pm

So smart of them to use Melvin Belli's old San Francisco telephone number. They really thought this one through, didn't they?

TribecaMike December 20, 2012 at 9:19 pm

♫ Your billable hours won't get you into heaven anymore ♪

yyyaz December 20, 2012 at 9:41 pm

This "Xmas card" has more suck in it than any 10 Thai brothels.

ttommyunger December 20, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Rarely a day goes by that I'm not glad I dropped out of Law School. Today is an especially good day.

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:44 pm

I'd imagine Santa is more partial to Siberian hookers.

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 2:33 am

Well, the old guy does go around the world in one night, so who knows?

DahBoner December 21, 2012 at 10:14 am

Not to worry Michel Lawyers, your secrets safe with me.

Everyone I told swore they wouldn't tell…

superdave December 21, 2012 at 10:57 am

Holy shit! That's a real thing? What a fucking douchebag.

mustangsavvy December 21, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Bet this makes putting "happy holidays!" on your corporate Christmas cards that much less evil!

(P.S. Why are conservatives (because of course this idiot firm is Republican leaning) so fucking unfunny? And always hankering for the "good old days" when you can just have sex slaves etc living in the tool shed? Assholes.)

WhatTheHeck December 20, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Queen takes knight.

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen!

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Sounds like a typical Friday night to me.

BerkeleyBear December 20, 2012 at 8:09 pm

ROYAL GANGBANG!!!!

Its good to be the king.

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:33 pm

And the rook, you ask? Well, he has a thing for kings.

An_Outhouse December 20, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Crusty Dick?

sullivanst December 20, 2012 at 8:15 pm

I was going more for Creepy Douchebag, but yours works too.

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