santa clause cameThis will come as no surprise to most of you, dear readers, but sometimes lawyers are really terrible people with low social skills. From the weird commercials (no really go watch it now now now because there is a lawyer getting pelted with ham and bacon) to the petty grifting (you stole neckties, really? that’s your crime, lawyer? DO BETTER CRIME!), there are any number of reminders that law is not currently America’s most noble profession (that’s the priesthood, duh). One of the worst terrible lawyer traditions is the law firm Christmas card. It tries (and usually fails) to be respectful of non-Christian denominations. It tries (and usually fails) to not look like a pitch for business. These things all pale, however, in the face of this magnificence:

Terrible Terrible Christmas Card!!

We can’t even begin to count the ways this thing is awful. It is like the 12 Days of Being Awful Christmas. From the wry, yet completely unfunny, wishes for a “litigious new year” to the hokey “fake deposition format,” it is awfulness at first sight. There’s even Christmas-themed names for the lawyers and court reporters.

To really get the full awful, though, you need to read the entire “deposition” of Santa. Hold tight, because we’re going to hit a giant pile of stupid. There’s grumbling about discrimination:

I gave the naughty children coal, I got sued for discrimination by the naughty kids. “Why does Santa get to judge?” “Blah, blah, blah. . . .” Lord help you if you challenge a kid’s self-esteem these days. So anyway, this year I gave all of the children coal. Now I’m getting sued by the nice kids! And the EPA is claiming the coal delivery was an illegal dumping of hazardous waste. I can’t win!

There’s idiocy about unions:

Christmas gets lumped right in with Obama-phones! Now the elves want to unionize. The feds tax the milk and cookies! Why should I bother? If the nice kids want toys, they had better vote.

The real …what’s the opposite of reward? Punishment? The real punishment comes if you make it all the way to the end, where you get “racy Santa:”

First, me and the reindeer boys smoked some mistletoe and hit the Vegas night clubs. But by 2am the table service girls were asking why we weren’t out delivering presents. So we hopped in the sleigh and headed to the Thailand clubs where the girls don’t ask questions, so long as you keep the candy cane flowing. Ho, Ho, Ho.

Who doesn’t love a nice Thai-sex-worker allusion in their holiday cards? Yr Wonkette would probably do such a thing, but we are not soliciting clients and we are us.

[Michel & Associates Holiday Card from Hell]

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  • Bo's White House Christmas card is now in second place for Most Evil Card Ever?

    • We loved Bo's Christmas card. In fact, I have photoshopped my girls onto Bo for Bo Ho Ho Card of my own!

      • Whollyholeyholy

        Yeah, I feel kind of bad for all my friends and their kids. Bo is my favorite card.

  • Santa is old, fat, White and lurves Christmas. It only makes sense that he's a Republican.

    • Baconzgood

      He gives shit away. SOCIALIZUMZ!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Works one day a year…

    • Redgyal

      It only makes sense that her prefers Thai brothels.

  • coolhandnuke

    Santa's little helper–lawyers, guns and money.
    Apologies to Warren Zevon, who I dearly miss.

  • Barbara_

    One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster.

    • I can feel the bailiff walking next to me.

      • Barbara_

        Good one, Johnny!

        • The queens we use would not excite you.

          • elviouslyqueer


          • WhatTheHeck

            Queen takes knight.

          • SorosBot

            Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen!

          • elviouslyqueer

            Sounds like a typical Friday night to me.

          • BerkeleyBear

            ROYAL GANGBANG!!!!

            Its good to be the king.

          • Negropolis

            And the rook, you ask? Well, he has a thing for kings.

        • Thanks, Barb, I have a zillion of them!

      • Antispandex

        You better go back to your bars, your temples, your massage

        • Barbara_

          Antispandex, chess players are sexy. : )

    • vulpes82

      One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.

      EDIT: Dang, you'd think I'd have learned by now to keep scrolling to make sure the joke hadn't already been made!

  • ph7

    Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
    Kid: Mrs. Santa?
    Willie: No it was her sister.

    • Advn2rgirl

      Oh God, I love that movie. I could only find the unrated version last year, though, which is not as funny as the original.

  • I have news for everyone:

    Even 10 nights in Bangkok won't make the softest lawyer humble.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Ho ho, ho, indeed.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Those outfits are terribly impractical for life above the Arctic Circle.

  • SorosBot

    It's still funnier and less annoying than Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

    • Baconzgood


      • SorosBot

        Don't they know it's Christmastime at all?

        • Baconzgood

          Actually as a jazz (and Peanuts) fan that's the only song I can stomache. They had Christmas music playing on the PA at my new Jerb since mid November. If I have to listen to James Taylor's Have A Merry Little Christmas again we will have a merry little hostage crisis at work.

    • Yeah, I thought it kind of walked the line where everybody could think it was aimed at the other side. (Now I'll look up this lawyer and find out he actually is a conservative douchebag.)

      • sullivanst

        Linked from their home page is this.

        • hillarysleftone

          yep. Somebody thinks they're fucking hilarious. Pretty obviously asshole #1, this Michel character (whose signal achievement btw seems to be representing fucking Exxon in the Exxon Valdez case) thinks he's funny and everybody else (let's give them the benefit of the doubt) has to pretend he is, while squirming with embarassment. 'Cause he's the kind of guy who names his firm "Michel & Associates" so there's no doubt who the boss is…

          PS there's a woman attorney there whose pic SCREAMS that she's picked up the same bundle of neuroses (and for the reason, take a look at Michel, Esq. again) as ol' Tilda Swinton in Michael Clayton, poor thing.

          (I declined the challenge to click onto the 2011 masterpiece, for the same reason Jules doesn't know whether sewer rat tastes like pumpkin pie or not)

          • sullivanst

            The 2011 one is the identical format, only this time starring Karl Marx caricatured as only an avid Fox News viewer could and made the spokesperson for the Occupy movement. "C.D." (I find it very hard to trust a man who won't even tell you what his name is, although strangely enough my impression of him could easily be made to match those initials) was right about one thing though – the 2011 version was actually even worse than the 2012.

          • An_Outhouse

            Crusty Dick?

          • sullivanst

            I was going more for Creepy Douchebag, but yours works too.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            "Represented Exxon in the Exxon Valdez case" is probably his hyper-inflated version of "was one of a dozen fungible associates banished to the document review dungeon by one of Exxon's lesser law firms."

      • Also, they say they "represent firearms manufacturers, wholesalers, and retailers in product liability litigation, defend against firearms-related criminal charges, and challenge ill-conceived or unconstitutional state laws and local ordinances in court."

        Assholes. Q.E.D.

        • Consider me shutting the fuck up:

          Our clients include the National Rifle Association, the California Rifle and Pistol Association, law enforcement agencies and officers, industry trade associations, gun shows, importers, manufacturers, distributors, dealers, indoor and outdoor shooting ranges, special-effects companies, prop houses, armories, pyrotechnicians, and individuals who face firearms-related federal or state licensing and compliance issues or criminal charges. Michel & Associates, P.C. is Consulting Counsel to firearm retailer advocate FFLGuard for all California legislative and litigation issues.

          • sullivanst

            I suspect if the California Rifle And Pistol Association had been paying a little more attention to their acronym, they might have tweaked their name slightly.

            Also, I shall henceforth assume Chet dumb.

      • BerkeleyBear

        The idea of "firearms" as your second specialty for a one named firm (ie reflecting the personality of the founder and typically small) scares the crap out of me.

        Well that and the bizarreness of using the GG bridge for a firm supposedly in Long Beach.

    • TribecaMike

      Nervous Norvus libe– aww forget it.

      • bobbert

        Okay. You're old.

  • Fare la Volpe

    So we hopped in the sleigh and headed to the Thailand clubs where the girls don’t ask questions

    So long as you don't ask either. "Say, why's there a candy cane in your dress?"

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    "First, me and the reindeer boys smoked some mistletoe"

    I bet they scored it from Miley Cyrus

    • Fun w/ Cthulhu

      Who / what are "reindeer boys" is what I want to know? Are they analogous to lady boys? And when smoking mistletoe what is the kissing tradition that goes along with that? Inquiring minds want to know. …or just me.

    • mbobier

      Serves them right, since mistletoe is toxic.

      • zippy_w_pinhead

        at least it wasn't bath salts…

  • On the first day of Xmas, my lawyer sent to me… one shittty card.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      and a bill…

  • Botlrokit

    So there's a pissing contest between who built Christmas now?

    South Park is prophetic… there really is a Jesus vs. Santa Claus fight a-brewin'!

  • gullywompr

    ♫ It's the MOST
    horrible time
    of the year ♪

    • I'm glad I saw this before I posted similar! But if I hadn't: Damn you!!

  • I haz a sad over this thread. I'm suddenly reminded that Sylvia Kristel died this year.

  • I spent one night in Bangkok and I'm not that hard a man, but I was humbled by their cellular service.

    • finallyhappy

      When I reached Bangkok- cell phones weren't invented yet

    • DahBoner

      Yeah, how do they talk on a noisy street corner or a disco thumping with bad mudic like it was nothing? Their internal brain noise filters are amazing…

  • coolhandnuke

    Santa's drinking buddy is Manuel Noriega.

  • Santa is passing out Rockefeller dimes this year? Whoot!

  • PopeEdgardo

    Lawyers being dicks. What next?

    • On the last day of this session the Senate floor sees Lindsey Graham explode out of his closet in a Spandex™ onesie and then leaps onto Joe Lieberman's lap for a parting embrace.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Those Thai club girls have their own candy canes, thankyouverymuch…

  • SorosBot

    From the weird digs at discrimination suits, the EPA, unions and that strange "Obama-phones" nonsequitor (seriously, WTF?! guess that's some wingnut meme I've missed), I'm guessing this is a corporate defense firm; those lawyers tend to suck, and suck hard.

    • Fare la Volpe

      You know how the government can help you get a prepaid emergency phone so that if someone breaks into your house you can have 15 FREE minutes to call the cops? The wingnuts never knew that this thing that has existed for years existed and thus it's all Obama's fault. The end.

      • SorosBot

        Oh, and I suppose this tiny bit of help for the poor is somehow a bad thing, because taxes are tyranny or something.

        • sullivanst

          They CAN'T be poor because REFRIGERATORS and MICROWAVES. Wake up SHEEPLE!

        • Hmmmm… I first read that as "taxes are tranny."

          Too much nog, not enough egg. Call me a cab.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            You're a cab.

    • sullivanst

      Looks like their specialty is suing the EPA and/or the zoning committee to let you build that toxic factory wherever you damn well want it's your fucking money, and also defending you when you wave your penile-compensatory arsenal at the crowds of protestors at your front gate.

  • Baconzgood

    Did someone say bacon?

    • SorosBot

      I had bacon for lunch; it was good.

      • Baconzgood

        The lil' lady bought veggie bacon, cause she no eat the meat, and asked what I thought of it.

        I told her "it tastes like bacon if you never had bacon and someone discribed what bacon tastes like"

        • bikerlaureate

          cause she no eat the meat


        • Fuck Toad

          As a longtime vegetarian, I can say that vegetarian bacon resembles the real thing roughly to the degree that a blurry photograph of a nipple resembles sex.

          And it turns out it's not even a nipple, it's just a pencil eraser.

          Not even a _sexy_ pencil.

  • Misty Malarky

    Let's get Santa Clause 'cause;

    Santa Clause has a red suit
    He's a communist

    And a beard, and long hair
    Must be a pacifist

    What's in the pipe that he's smoking?

    Mister Clause sneaks in your home at night.
    He must be a dope fiend, to put you up tight

    • malsperanza

      Tragically, Arlo is a registered Republican and a Paultard. That high-pitched whirring sound you hear is Woody spinning in his grave.

      • An_Outhouse

        no way?

        • Misty Malarky

          I have a cat named Arlo! I hate to think I now have to strangle it.
          Needs must when the devil dives, as they say.

      • Fuck Toad

        It makes no sense, but somehow it is true.

  • Michel & Associates — the George Armstrong Custer of the War on Christmas.

  • Antispandex

    Well, I was hoping for a BJ for Christmas, but I'm not going all the way to Thailand! For crap sakes, don't we do anything in America anymore? This outsourcing bullshit is going too far!

    • Fuck Toad

      come along this way I'll hook you up

  • Radiotherapy

    law is not currently America’s most noble profession

    Journalism is.

  • Baconzgood

    For "educated minds" their snark is at a -3.

  • Fare la Volpe

    I gave the naughty children coal, I got sued for discrimination by the naughty kids. “Why does Santa get to judge?” “Blah, blah, blah. . . .”

    It's really reassuring to know that a group of defense attorneys find basic anti-discrimination law to be a punchline. Happy court date!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      It's just and extension of their high school debate teams, to them. They don't really care which side they're arguing.

      • sullivanst

        Or as they put it: "[Our] lawyers readily adapt to the particular needs of each client."

    • Negropolis

      I'm actually surprised that they didn't try to make light of racial discrimination, because it would have been so easy.

    • joshleefolsom

      The NRA is a client. They are the Devil.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Hm – obese dude bitching about social programs before heading off for some righteous drug-fuelled sex-tourism………Rush, is that you behind the red-clad fupa?

  • mavenmaven

    Well, at least they kept the religious language, and showed that they truly understand the deeper meaning of Christmas.

  • From another dimension, Schrodinger's cat wishes you the best this holiday season.

    / with love from Mrs. weejee

    • SorosBot

      It both does and does not wish you a "Happy Holidays!".

  • …and the punchline is "a good start".

    Edit: Damn ChillBill.

  • sullivanst

    Just like coal, this card is toxic and flammable.

  • WhatTheHeck

    lawyer briefs libel!!!!!

  • Callyson

    Card: WTF?

    Ad: JFC.

    Happy holidays!


  • Just remember, a lawyer might save your ass some day….

    Or put it away.

    • decentcitizen

      I never saw a client in jail that wasn't glad to see me.

  • I'm going to start replacing "Fuck No" with "Jingle Bells No" just for the holiday season.

  • MissTaken

    Oh hell, even my company, which is in the evil hedge fund industry, kept our card to just "We Wish You The Best For The Holiday Season and For The New Year". Is that so hard?

  • Whollyholeyholy

    I'm on dumbass overload, which really pisses me off. They're good for nothing but the mocking, and I am failing to laugh today.

  • Estproph

    In the matter of children et al v. Mr. S. Claus, it is the judgement of this court that the plaintiff's case fails on merit. Ownership of coal is not a right, and therefore should be considered a gift, as it has value to the receiver. Fa la la la la, la la, etc.

  • I'm really glad I have a law firm like this out there to remind me who the real people creating value in our society are.

  • gullywompr

    Another nickel.

  • not that Dewey

    Can't they just take pictures of themselves dressed as homeless people, like normal law firms do?

  • Well, there has been a warrant out for Santa's arrest in Chicago since 1928:

  • malsperanza

    Oh jolly, Michel & Associates specializes in preventing gun control in southern California:

    "Among other things, our attorneys appear at agency and legislative rule-making proceedings that impact firearm owner interests, assist in drafting firearms legislation, represent clients in firearm licensing matters, represent firearms manufacturers, wholesalers, and retailers in product liability litigation, defend against firearms-related criminal charges, and challenge ill-conceived or unconstitutional state laws and local ordinances in court."

    Also too, they seem not to know that mistletoe is toxic, so when that hilarious card reaches families, and some of the kidz try sparkin' a mistletoe blunt, we can expect lawsuits and hijinx to ensue. Or, with luck, the staff attorneys will roll a little j at the party tomorrow.

  • zumpie

    Ironically, being the marketing person for a law firm is a very easy, cushy job. Excepting really agressive ambulance chasers, most law firms consider it very tasteless to actually pursue clients…so their Marketing Manager probably spent the better part of the year on this and planning their Xmas party.

  • Barrelhse

    Another squirmish in the War on Xmas.

  • BadKitty904

    I'm still trying to fathom the role of the pineapple in this scenario. It's…weirdly disturbing.

  • Guppy

    I got enough of the "Santa railing against Big Government" from Fox & Friends this morning (visiting family watches it, unfortunately). You know, for the kids.

    Personally, I'm more concerned with a Floridian "standing their ground" on the night of the 24th.

  • mbobier

    That last paragraph gives new meaning to the idea of soliciting clients….

  • decentcitizen

    Well, law firms generally know their clients so we can assume their clients are assholes.

  • An_Outhouse

    as long as the ho's get me sammich, i'm cool with it.

  • Tundra Grifter

    So smart of them to use Melvin Belli's old San Francisco telephone number. They really thought this one through, didn't they?

  • TribecaMike

    ♫ Your billable hours won't get you into heaven anymore ♪

  • yyyaz

    This "Xmas card" has more suck in it than any 10 Thai brothels.

  • ttommyunger

    Rarely a day goes by that I'm not glad I dropped out of Law School. Today is an especially good day.

  • Negropolis

    I'd imagine Santa is more partial to Siberian hookers.

    • bobbert

      Well, the old guy does go around the world in one night, so who knows?

  • DahBoner

    Not to worry Michel Lawyers, your secrets safe with me.

    Everyone I told swore they wouldn't tell…

  • superdave

    Holy shit! That's a real thing? What a fucking douchebag.

  • mustangsavvy

    Bet this makes putting "happy holidays!" on your corporate Christmas cards that much less evil!

    (P.S. Why are conservatives (because of course this idiot firm is Republican leaning) so fucking unfunny? And always hankering for the "good old days" when you can just have sex slaves etc living in the tool shed? Assholes.)

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