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santa clause cameThis will come as no surprise to most of you, dear readers, but sometimes lawyers are really terrible people with low social skills. From the weird commercials (no really go watch it now now now because there is a lawyer getting pelted with ham and bacon) to the petty grifting (you stole neckties, really? that’s your crime, lawyer? DO BETTER CRIME!), there are any number of reminders that law is not currently America’s most noble profession (that’s the priesthood, duh). One of the worst terrible lawyer traditions is the law firm Christmas card. It tries (and usually fails) to be respectful of non-Christian denominations. It tries (and usually fails) to not look like a pitch for business. These things all pale, however, in the face of this magnificence:

Terrible Terrible Christmas Card!!

We can’t even begin to count the ways this thing is awful. It is like the 12 Days of Being Awful Christmas. From the wry, yet completely unfunny, wishes for a “litigious new year” to the hokey “fake deposition format,” it is awfulness at first sight. There’s even Christmas-themed names for the lawyers and court reporters.

To really get the full awful, though, you need to read the entire “deposition” of Santa. Hold tight, because we’re going to hit a giant pile of stupid. There’s grumbling about discrimination:

I gave the naughty children coal, I got sued for discrimination by the naughty kids. “Why does Santa get to judge?” “Blah, blah, blah. . . .” Lord help you if you challenge a kid’s self-esteem these days. So anyway, this year I gave all of the children coal. Now I’m getting sued by the nice kids! And the EPA is claiming the coal delivery was an illegal dumping of hazardous waste. I can’t win!

There’s idiocy about unions:

Christmas gets lumped right in with Obama-phones! Now the elves want to unionize. The feds tax the milk and cookies! Why should I bother? If the nice kids want toys, they had better vote.

The real …what’s the opposite of reward? Punishment? The real punishment comes if you make it all the way to the end, where you get “racy Santa:”

First, me and the reindeer boys smoked some mistletoe and hit the Vegas night clubs. But by 2am the table service girls were asking why we weren’t out delivering presents. So we hopped in the sleigh and headed to the Thailand clubs where the girls don’t ask questions, so long as you keep the candy cane flowing. Ho, Ho, Ho.

Who doesn’t love a nice Thai-sex-worker allusion in their holiday cards? Yr Wonkette would probably do such a thing, but we are not soliciting clients and we are us.

[Michel & Associates Holiday Card from Hell]

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