Be vewwy vewwy wacist.It is plainly obvious that Christians are being hate-crushed in these United States, having their beliefs beaten out of them by godless demons and Muslims, who are not godless demons but do worship one. It’s more than just Christmas, too — there’s obviously that whole thing about how pizza-delivery men are not allowed to take pills away from women, but now a good, Christian patriot is going to jail just for setting a mosque on fire. WILL THE INJUSTICE NEVER STOP?

The persecuted American hero is 52-year-old Randolph Linn, who lives in Saint Joe, Indiana, but drove almost two hours to the Perrysburg mosque he spotted while driving a truck. Apparently nobody told him there were three mosques right next door in Fort Wayne. (Also next door, for real: Hicksville.)

What made you do it, Randy? Why bring your brand of street justice to Perrysville?

Linn said on Sept. 30 he had been watching Fox News and had gotten “riled up.” Linn said he drank 45 beers in seven hours before going to the mosque.

We’re a-ok so far, right? The man was watching Fox News, which means he knew exactly what he was talking about and why he was mad, especially after 45 beers. Beer doesn’t cloud your judgment, it merely unshackles your judgment from the oppressive social constructs chained to us by progressive Marxists. Imagine how unshackled he was after 4.2 gallons of beer.

The Toledo Blade has what happened next:

He found a door open and, with a gun in his hand, entered the building and checked all the rooms, Assistant U.S. Attorney Ava Dusten said in court.

After walking through the building, Linn went to his vehicle to retrieve a gas can and returned to the prayer room, where he poured gasoline on the rug.

“He then set fire to the prayer rug,” Ms. Dusten said.

See, this is why the gun control fascists have it all wrong — if Randy hadn’t been free to buy that firearm, he wouldn’t have been free to drink 45 beers, drive drunk across a chunk of Ohio, and use it to menace a house of prayer. DON’T TREAD ON ME.

The mosque’s sprinkler system put out the blaze, but smoke and water damage ruined most of the place. Why is that even illegal? He obviously thought really hard about all the good he was doing.

Linn said he … “jumped up” and drove to Ohio. He told the judge that he “definitely did not think about it.”

Oh. That’s ok though. He didn’t have to think about it, on account of he got so much good learning from Fox News, which does not distort narratives even a little bit, especially not to scare white folks.

When questioned by Judge Zouhary, Linn acknowledged he personally did not know anyone of the Islamic faith but said he believed what he saw of extremists on news programs.

“I know they don’t believe in Jesus Christ as the Savior,” he told the judge.

“There are others who don’t believe in Jesus Christ,” Judge Zouhary responded.

“They’re not going around killing us,” Linn said.

[Toledo Blade via Raw Story]

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  • petforest

    Checkmate? Hell, RHODES SCHOLAR!

  • Beowoof

    To make this guy's work easier he should be able to own a flame thrower. And not just one of those home made ones, but a real military flame thrower. Cause you never know when watching Fox will get ya all riled up and ready for Mosque burning.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe he could build one of those flame-throwing Dragon Tanks like in that Bond flick Dr No.

    • Kitty_Sanchez

      Wait — are you saying we're not *already* guaranteed convenient access to flamethrowers?? That's an outrage! I'm calling Louie Gohmert so he can fight for our flamethrower freedoms.

    • Tommy1733

      I'm ready NOW!!!

  • Friends don't let friends watch Faux Newz drunk (or sober.)

    • Respitetini

      45 beers is about right if I'm going to watch more than 23 seconds of Fox News.

    • Negropolis

      And friends certainly don't let friends watch Fox & Friends, that's for damned sure.

  • Linn said he drank 45 beers in seven hours before going to the mosque.

    Over seven hours?

    He's not concentrating hard enough.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      That's about one every ten minutes by my math. They must have been those small cans. Real 'muricans can do better than that.

    • Callyson

      I've heard of people with a high tolerance for alcohol, but Jesus, if I tried that I would be stone cold dead…

      • Can I have your left overs?

        • Callyson

          Go for it, dude…

    • chicken_thief

      I call bullshit. I've known some beer drinkin sumbitches in my life and none of them could drink 45 beers in 7 hours and still be awake.

      I think he said 4 to 5 and the reporter fucked up the reporting.

      • bobbert

        Yeah, I'me thinking his BAC would be about Oh point dead and a half percent.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Is anyone here surprised about this? I'm not.

  • Boojum

    He was just lighting his ground.

    • chicken_thief

      Or standing his scorched earth?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Wow, an angry, stupid, drunken white guy with no judgment or impulse control and a gun. He's like the platonic ideal of a Fox News viewer.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      In his silhouette in the Cave, would the light shine through the hole in his head?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Plus, he had Talking Heads "Burning Down the House" on continuous loop in the background while he watched the Fox channel.

    • He would have had "Burn Baby Burn" play but he thought it was too ethnic for him.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Too bad he didn't have "Suicide is Painless."

    • One_who_wanders

      This is not my beautiful mosque.

  • Linn said he … “jumped up” and drove to Ohio.

    I call bullshit.

    I've drunk 45 beers and lemme tell you, "jumping up" leave puddles all over the floor.

    • That's a beer every 10 minutes or so. The man must have one helluva bladder.

      • What? You can't multitask? Hell, I can drink, pee AND sext at the same time!

        ETA: Of course, he could be one them folks needs a catheter…

        • chicken_thief

          I think I've seen him in every neighborhood bar I've ever been it. He's the one standing there with his fly half down and a piss *dribble* from his crotch to his knee, shouting "hey! HEYYYYAH!!" over and over until you finally say "what?". Then he walks off mumbling.

      • Negropolis

        Bladder? Hell, he must have had a liver casted in iron.

      • just_a_head

        He needs him some of them austronaut diapers.

  • Respitetini

    Of course, St. Joe, IN is also known as Pickle Town.

    Not that that has anything to do with anything, but there you are.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “There are others who don’t believe in Jesus Christ,” Judge Zouhary responded. “They’re not going around killing us,” Linn said.


    Enjoy your 20 years in prison, you pathetic waste of protoplasm.

  • ♫ Da roof! Da roof! Da roof is on fire! ♪

  • mavenmaven

    Beer doesn't kill people, people… oh screw it, this is so sick.

    Also this:
    Linn said he had consumed 45 beers over a period of six or seven hours before he “jumped up” and drove to Ohio. He told the judge that he “definitely did not think about it.”

    Ms. Dusten countered that about two weeks prior to the incident, Linn had, in a conversation with his 20-year-old son, threatened to burn the mosque.

    • Yes. But he's a wingtard. They don't think when they talk

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And all through the 2-hour drive to Ohio, he didn't think about it either? Just got to the mosque, then suddenly remembered why he was there, and picked up right where he left off after "jumping up".

      Of course, the only way anyone can watch Faux News without face-palming themselves into a coma, is if they “definitely do not think about it."

  • Beetagger

    Indiana's next congressman.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      Joe the arsonist

  • a_pink_poodle

    So we can ban Fox News now, right?

    • SorosBot

      Under Bush administration rules, can't the unilateral executive have Fox indefinitely detained and subject to "enhanced interrogation techniques" for encouraging terrorism?

      • zippy_w_pinhead

        does that mean we get to finally waterboard Hannity?

  • Blueb4sinrise


    • Callyson

      Here I am…


      • Blueb4sinrise

        Whew. Thanks.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Burning down a solitary, vacant mosque makes sense. The way burning a few Korans makes sense.

  • edgydrifter

    Randolph the Human Keg will be running for office any day now, fueled by his wealth of geopolitical knowledge and impressive devotion to Jesus and beer.

  • mbobier

    I bet he "did not think about it," after 45 beers. At that point, his brain was doing well to remember to keep him breathing.

  • barto

    How did he avoid shooting and/or immolating himself? Oh right, an act of God, no doubt.

    • just_a_head

      How the hell did he drive a car for 2 hours after drinking 45 beers?

  • SorosBot

    But the media didn't use the T-word, right? Because it can't be terrorism when it's a white Christian dude terrorizing minority non-Christians.

    • docterry6973

      Now if a Muslin were to set fire to a church….

  • MissTaken

    See? If that mosque had been armed this all could have been avoided.

    • SorosBot

      If more black and brown people started following the example of the real Black Panther Party and started arming themselves for self-defense, as the NRA advocates, I wonder how many of the neo-Confederate wingnuts would change their mind on gun control.

      • Hell, they'd repeal the Second

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Molly Ivins once said that, as I recall.

      • shelwood46

        Worked for Reagan.

    • gullywompr

      Now look here missy, The US Constitution only affords rights to US Americans, not muslins.

    • Barrelhse

      Unless he went there to stand his ground.

  • edgydrifter

    Judge Zouhary? Sounds Sharia-ish. Better set the court on fire, too.

    • I looked him up. Born and raised in Toledo, son of Lebanese immigrants. My guess Catholic, but not that Linn would make a distinction. Bush appointee who was a corporate counsel for S.E. Johnson Companies. Definitely a Republican, but appears to be one who's read the same Constitution Dennis Kucinich carries around.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if Mr Linn knows that Allah burned down the Touchdown Jesus in Monroe OH with a lightning bolt a few years back.

    • docterry6973

      Not to mention Big Tex at the Texas State Fairgrounds, which is just as bad.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Dueling Lightning Bolts! New Fox reality show.
      "My god's better'n your god!"
      "Oh, yeah?"
      "Yeah! Watch this!"


  • zippy_w_pinhead

    45 beers? the only way he could drink 45 beers and not die from alcohol poisoning is if his taste in beer is as bad as his taste in TV news

  • SorosBot

    How can you drink 45 beers in seven hours and not be stone-cold passed out, or possibly dead of alcohol poisoning? I have quite a tolerance, but there's no way I could do even half that and still be conscious.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Probably drinking Coors Light. That shit's like sex on the beach, it's fucking near water.

      • SorosBot

        That's true, like my sweetie I only drink decent beer and am unfamiliar with the pisswater.

  • MissTaken

    Linn said he drank 45 beers in seven hours before going to the mosque.

    Once while camping I tried to drink 24 beers in 24 hours. Made it to 19 before passing out in my tent. Then again, I was drinking Sierra Nevada, which is beer, unlike whatever piss-water Linn was sucking down for 7 hours.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Just what I was thinking. Must be lame ass beer if he can drink basically a six pack an hour.

      Your story, however. That is impressive.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      that's because you were doing it all wrong. You forgot your eight-ball of meth.

      • Fare la Volpe

        And a hummer from your cousin.

        • Negropolis

          Funny me, I had no idea MissTaken was from Wes' Virginny.

    • bobbert

      19 Pale Ales in a day? I knew there was a reason you impressed me.

      But, even still, the weakest lamest light beer is still around half the strength of real beer, so at 22 real equivalents, mumble mumble, seven hours,mumble mumble,…. unless the fucker weighs 400 pounds (which is, of course, possible), his BAC should have been north of 0.30%. He must have had some pow'ful chemical assistance to drive for two hours.

  • HarryButtle

    Son, fat drunk and stupid is no way…oh, never mind.

    Imagine the Faux News wailing had one of them Muslins "stood his ground" and put a bullet in Mr Linn's keister…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    How many times did he have to stop to piss during his Drive of Righteous Indignation, I wonder?

    • SorosBot

      That Depends.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I was thinking "empty 5-quart motor oil jug."

        • Gallon apple juice jug. Don't tell the grandkids.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if you can find this story on Fox News' website.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Yup. And don't forget to notice how they conspicuously say that he was watching "TV news" instead of referring to him as a "devoted Fox viewer."

      EDIT: DAMN YOU Gullywompr.

      • gullywompr

        If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I'd have all the nickels.

      • And look at that justifying headline they put on it!

      • Ohhhhhhh…. he was just doing it to help the soldiers, according to Fox! So why's everybody gettin' up his nostrils about it? *Tsk!* You people!

  • MRjonz

    Well, the 45 beers would certainly account for all the dead Rhododendron bushes between Saint Joe, Indiana and Perrysburg, Ohio.

  • neiltheblaze

    Sometimes the tree of liberty has to be watered with 45 beers.

  • memzilla

    Who else here thinks that adding Roger Ailes and Faux News as co-defendants to the $2.768 billion Hicksville Mosque v. Linn suit would be an excellent idea?

    • Only Jack McCoy would have the audacity to bring that case to court, and he's been retired for a couple years.

    • I was thinking Linn v. FOX News. If a Twinkies defense didn't work for him, maybe he could turn it into lawsuit whereby he demands THEY pay the fine. Couldn't a constant stream of misinformation about Muslims and their houses of worship turn someone as dumb as Linn into an arsonist for American Jesus? If you tried it in the right county … then again, it might get the jurors thinking about what watching nothing but FOX had done to them.

  • TribecaMike

    Do us all a favor, Putin — turn the keys, enter the code, press the big red button, and put us out of our stupid.

  • Baconzgood

    45 beers in 7 hours? Phhhhh…fucking light weight.

  • Baconzgood

    Fox drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.

  • gullywompr

    OK, sit down, I don't want you to be shocked. Are you sitting down? OK – The store is on Fox News, but that story doesn't mention Fox News in it. Sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, you gonna be OK?

    • MissTaken

      Shockingly, Fox neglects to mention the 45 beers in 7 hours. And the 'fucking' Muslims reference he made in court. I'm shocked I tell you!

      • One_who_wanders

        It is almost as if they weren't "Fair and Balanced."

    • An_Outhouse

      Unfortunately, they don't allow comments or I fill them in on some important details.

    • savethispatient

      I almost spat out my 45 beers on hearing that news!

    • Barrelhse

      Although they did identify the perp as Randolph Linn (D).

  • Tundra Grifter

    Speaking of Christmas – if the world doesn't end tomorrow (12/21/12) I've got some serious shopping to take care of.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Your beloved Editrix has already told you to start here. Git to gittin', son!

  • Secluded Compound

    Well, thank goodness he didn't burn down All-ah it.

  • When can we call a fear of invisible zombies an official mental disorder?

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      we need something to replace the Twinkie defense…

  • Antispandex

    I'm calling bullshit. He did this drinking beer? I'm not buying it. Mezcal? OK, they put something in that shit that makes a man crazy (maybe womens too, but they are smart enough to leave it alone). Not as dangerous as the shit they put in that Fox News, but dangerous. I don't even remeber the last time I drank some good old La Penca…and believe me, I've tried!

  • So — um — where are the Republicans yelling about how this guy should've been sent to Gitmo and how he's such a dangerous terrorist that he shouldn't be imprisoned in the United States?

  • prommie

    Another victim of anti-white anti-christian racism! I tell ya, since they elected that black muslim kenyan anti-colonialist, its been an all-out war on white people.

  • TribecaMike

    Since righties worship private property above all else, the least he's guilty of is heresy.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't believe this guy could count as high as 45, even if he were sober.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      He needs to get undressed to count as far as 23.

    • gingerland62

      If you drink 45 beers, how do you know you drank 45 beers? Does he know exactly how many fill up his igloo playmate?

  • Fare la Volpe

    45 beers in seven hours?

    He's got a hollow leg to match his hollow head.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    “There are others who don’t believe in Jesus Christ,” Judge Zouhary responded.

    “They’re not going around killing us setting fire to houses of worship,” Linn said.

    If you can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

    • SorosBot

      Hey, it's not like right-wing white Christians in America have a long history of terrorist attacks burning down houses of worship used by non-white people or anything.

    • bikerlaureate

      My first reaction, when I feel that my life is threatened by a group of people, is to burn their empty building. It's just good sense.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “There are others who don’t believe in Jesus Christ,” Judge Zouhary responded.
    “They’re not going around killing us,” Linn said.

    No, they're just going around killing Christmas.

  • 4.2 gallons of beer, eh? Better get started.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This story makes me have to pee.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      No kidding. I feel like I could put out that fire right now.

  • Poindexter718

    In addition to checking to make sure the building was not occupied, Mr. Linn took care to remove his shoes when entering the mosque in deference to Islamic custom before stone cold arsoning the shit out of it.

  • Fare la Volpe

    In his defense, that Mosque was threatening his white maleness by not setting itself on fire. It never once stopped to consider how he felt.

  • An_Outhouse

    I'd prefer they sign him up for the military and ship his ass to Afghanistan. Feeding this pig for 20 years on the public teat seems unfair.

    • shelwood46

      You want to send him to a country full of Muslims and no beer? We have laws against cruel and unusual punishment. (Also, he would be fragged withing seconds.)

      • Whereas in prison, he will be warmly welcomed into the brotherhood of Aryan Nation.

  • docterry6973

    If I were building a mosque anywhere in the Midwest I would put in two sprinkler systems. Just sayin'.

  • I sense a Darwin Award in this gentleman’s future!

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer
    take one down, burn down a Mosque
    98 bottles of beer…

  • SorosBot

    Come on now, he's just a regular guy, your average Joe Thirty-Pack.

  • miss_grundy

    Jumpin' Johasephat! He drank 45 beers and drove 7 hours? Where the hell was the Highway Patrol? Jeez Louise! And of course he has to be a cracker from Indiana! (Nothing like racing down to the bottom!) He's lucky the Mooselims didn't catch him and beat the crap out of him.

  • ElPinche

    I can't wait for the day when we'll hear things like , "man, you remember that crazy ass cable news network that spewed lies and riled up people to kill Muslims and abortion doctors? I'm glad President Malia Obama banned their ass. Well, I'm off to get some more weed at Randalls.." I love the future.

    • ingloriousbytch

      Oh can I join you?!! It looks so pretty there.

  • irregularJuan

    I made the mistake of clicking on the link and wow does he look like the psychotic brother of the Diabetes guy .

  • JustPixelz

    Just to all Godwin, substitute "synagogue" for "mosque" and you've got Germany in the 1930s. (Hopefully with the exception that the judge actually puts this guy in jail for what he did instead of giving him a medal.)

    • He was sentenced to 20 years. I clicked the link solely to find the details of the punishment.

  • ingloriousbytch

    I want to know what brand of beer he was drinking. My money is on Schlitz.

    • Pithaughn

      10 to one it was Natural Light, in a 30 pack. Some trailer trash bigots have been known to drink Schlitz, but just for wedding receptions when their mom marries again for the 5th time.

    • Negropolis

      It sure as hell wasn't any Steel Reserve, I'll tell you what.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Keystone Light would be a pretty safe bet, also. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Randolph Linn isn't an alias for Keith Stone. Always smoothe.

  • Misty Malarky

    In all honesty – when I watch FOX News I feel like drinking 75 beers, jumpin' up, and burning something.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Remember how we were told that if we legalized weed all sorts of bad things would happen? Yeah right. Say what you will about dope smokers they don't get all riled up and stupid after smoking a bunch of joints and drive for seven hours to set mosques, or anything else on fire. Even if dope smokers did get all riled up and stupid and decided to get in their car and do something about it the damage they did would be limited by the fact that if they drove for seven hours they'd only get about 28 miles, and that's assuming that they weren't distracted by a Taco Bell or ended up stuck at a 'STOP' sign waiting for it to turn green.

    • shelwood46

      RIled up? No. Stupid? Mmmm.

  • irregularJuan

    4.2 gallons of beer and a prayer Rug, I was thinking it was going to play like that scene in The Big Lebowski . So if he just set the thing on fire why was the gun needed ? Did he shoot the rug first ?

  • FOX News is very contrite and will add "Hate Responsibly" to the bottom of all their promo spots.

  • Estproph

    Yeeehaw! may not be a foreign policy, but it is apparently a moral guide in some places.

  • There are mathematicians at the Fields Institute working on statistical descriptions of nonlinear processes (such as the wave motion of the sea). European scientists have just published a paper on Dipolar Bose-Einstein Condensates in Weak Anisotropic Disorder. Smart people all over the world are doing brainy, clever things! And these people are most likely not in the grip of stupid, unreasoned, alcohol-fueled hatred toward any ethnic or religious group, or contemplating shooting sprees or arson based on said hatred. Keeping this in mind helps me stay sane. Gay porn works as well.

  • qwerty42

    From the Toledo Blade article:
    …Linn, 52, of St. Joe, Ind., pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court to one count each of intentionally defacing, damaging, and destroying religious property; using a fire to commit a felony; and using and carrying a firearm to commit a crime of violence. As part of a binding plea agreement accepted in court, he will be ordered to serve 20 years in prison when sentenced April 16 and will be required to pay restitution to the mosque….
    Well, 20 years in the federal slam may give him a new outlook on this kind of stuff. Plus, a chance to dry out.
    OTOH, I'm guessing he isn't much into introspection, so he'll probably just come out a bitter old codger. But this does mean 20 years of single payer health care. Will he protest the soshulism?

    • TribecaMike

      Damn, I'll never mess with inanimate objects again.

    • bobbert

      Wait a second. He just copped a binding plea, and he isn't to be sentenced for four months? Are they trying to give him time to apply for a passport?

  • azeyote

    shit a bottle of white lightnin would have worked way better; and he could have used it to get the fire goin – dumb redneck

  • sullivanst

    I also live right next door to Hicksville. Fortunately, Hicksville NY.

  • TribecaMike

    Glad they caught him before he could become an astronaut.

  • DahBoner

    Surprisingly, this young feller already got his headstone carved up:

    "Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."

  • LibrarianX

    Can't someone just charge FOX with inciting a riot?

  • jolpaj

    What was this proceeding? His federal Judge Judy proceeding, where you just argue with the fucking judge about your offense for a little while?

  • Barrelhse

    "Racist? Shit, we burn CROSSES, too!"

  • poorgradstudent

    Snark off, genuine anger and sadness on: I have a very good friend who is a Muslim and on a couple of occasions went to holiday celebrations and community dinners at his mosque. Each time I couldn't help but notice that the place has a more hi-tech security system than most places at the university I work for, yet they still try to keep an entrance open most hours until the night. I kind of wish I didn't notice it, but I do.

  • DalePues

    Forty five beers make two cases, short three beers. Two cases of beer. That's not possible, is it? In seven hours? That's a beer every ten minutes for seven hours.

  • Pithaughn

    Ban Natural Light beer, no way he could drink that much real beer, like oatmeal stout or Sierra Nevada xmas ale. Real men drink Odells 90 Schilling or something just as expensive.

  • decentcitizen

    Good luck with those Muslims in prison, dickhead…

  • ttommyunger

    Beer, guns, gasoline and matches. Sounds like a normal day for us denizens of Dumfuckistan.

  • Negropolis

    Zouhardy, eh? Sounds a little Muslinny…

    There is a god, at least one, who has a sense of humor, it seems.

    BTW, 45 beers in seven hours? Me no thinky so. He'd have damn-near been in the morgue, let alone sentient enough to drive a few hundred miles to burn some shit.

  • Man, that prayer rug really tied the mosque together.

  • Sometimes the jokes just write themselves

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