it's the final countdown

Order Your Wonket Nonsense Tonight If You Want It In Time For XXX-Mas

Dog and tiny hat not includedHey lazy. Whatcha doin’? Bein’ lazy? Forgetting to buy shit for all the people you love? Well you are in luck, because the post office informs us that if we get them your packages by tomorrow morning, your sorry ass will have presents under your heathen, Jesus-less, responsible-for-Newtown “holiday tree.” (Also, WE WILL EVEN WRAP THEM, oddly and kind of home-madey, in two colors of tissue paper, with ribbon! If you pay us to.) Right. So. Go here. The end. [WonketteBazaar]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Antispandex

    I'll take one of the dogs wearing the Wonkette hat…and the hat too I guess.

  • glasspusher

    I'm not lazy. I've been sick!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Sharight, like the rest of us are normal…

  • Disassembly

    I give to family and friends as I do here: in comments.

  • nounverb911

    What no Wonkette cats?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Damn pussies…

      • Lot_49

        No pussy for you! Ever!

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    You're not going to wrap them using a newspaper comics section? That's really home-madey.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Y'know, I've heard of Teacup Yorkies, but I do believe that's the first one I've ever actually seen.

    How do they poop?

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      They don't. They are poopless dogs.

      • el_donaldo

        Then I want to trade my current puppy for one of those poopless dogs. It's amazing how often and HOW MUCH a puppy poops. It's friggin non-stop.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I'm Dreaming of a Talking Camel Toe, just like the one's I used to know…

  • Baconzgood

    What's the point? The world's ending tomorrow.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Precisely! Editrix gets your money and doesn't have to ship a thing! And gets the rest of time to spend it on hookers and blow!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    But what about the apocamlypsis? Do you promise to get it delivered before the Mayans kill us all because they were too lazy to draw up a calendar past 2012?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Do you have ornaments for my Festivus Tree?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I don't know if you can hang them from your pole, but she's got a couple of nice globes…

    • gullywompr

      TreeNutz™

  • AnAmericanInTO

    I already have my new "Old Handsome Joe" mug and, thanks to my inability to use a computer correctly, I became Besties with our dear Editrix in the process.

    So, buy some Wonkette crap and you can be Besties with her, too!

    • Crank_Tango

      I was considering getting into Bestiality…wait no, uh…

      • docterry6973

        OT, but I understand that miniature donkeys make wonderful pets.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Disclaimer: USPS Priority Mail is NOT a guaranteed service.

    • MegPasadena

      That's right! I sent a package to Kansas City last Friday, and as checked today, it is now still sitting at our local (LA) sorting location.

  • Radiotherapy

    Where do I buy the Special Edition Wonkette AK-47?

    • Disassembly

      Is the "I was carrying it ironically" defense valid in most jurisdictions?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Wonkette even ships shit to MISSISSIPPI. Woo hoo!

  • jolpaj

    I confuse easily. How do I put things in the cart?

    • commiegirl99

      Scroll alllll the way down, and then it says "choose an option". Once you choose an option, you can add it to the cart.

      Sorry it is so lame.

      • HistoriCat

        That's OK – Amazon had problems their first year too.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    When are the Wonkette roach clips going on sale?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Or the Wonkette wine koozies.

      • StillGoinGreen

        That's so gay.

    • DahBoner

      Wonkette condom holders?

      Already I tire of my cheap Chinese holder with the pictures of babies and TUITION IS EXPENSIVE…

  • slithytoves

    If I buy something will you get rid of that fucking hoarding ad up top?

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Only if you promise to never throw it away.

  • jolpaj

    For serious. I click the item and it shows me a picture, and then I click cart and it says my cart is empty. My wife needs an old handsome Joe mug.

    • TootsStansbury

      It isn't easy. You have to hunt around for small light colored text not quite at the bottom of the page.

    • commiegirl99

      It is so much money! But the shipping for the mugs is ridiculous. I actually lose money on each one.

      So you scroll alllllll the way down, and it says "choose an option," and once you "choose an option," it lets you put it in the cart.

      • kingofmeh

        having purchased a mug, this is true! there is a bonafide postage stamp for $8.80 or so on my box, which i think is kinda sad.

    • docterry6973

      Your wife needs two old handsome Joe mugs, dammit!

    • chascates

      Hey, try posting something on Wonkville and see what that gets you!

  • SorosBot

    Is XXX-Mas the day we all get a porn star under the tree? I can't wait!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    How much is that doggy in the window?

  • TootsStansbury

    Order stuff so you can get the awesome confirmation message!

  • kckitty

    I wanted to order a commie girl tank top, but do NOT wear a size small, as I have huge boobs, but YOU SAID only small is available, so cry.

    • docterry6973

      Uh, how huge?

    • bobbert

      Mmm, obligatory "pics or it didn't happen".

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      oh great. this means mom know what size we are.

  • BornInATrailer

    Holy Crap that was one expensive mug. Good thing I am not a savvy consumer. It better come packed in a protective bed of spotted owl feathers with that shipping charge.

  • not that Dewey

    How do you know so much about the Wonkette Store? Are you like the bookkeeper or Mafia Enforcer or something?

    • Disassembly

      This guy sure asks a lotta questions. You a cop?

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        I am 'Lady Mobster'. The cop is on my payroll.

  • Respitetini

    Rats. I was hoping to see the cats-eye glasses sporting logo in the discount bin.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Might I suggest some xmas specials next year? How about booze and firearms. Example: Buy a handgun and you'll throw in a bottle of our favorite brown liquor. VALUE.

  • DahBoner

    That dog looks very familar. I thinked she winked at me once on match.com.

    "Athletic & Toned"???

    Ha! Cut back on the kibbles, baby…

  • commiegirl99

    The shipping will be back down to normal — $7.99 — after Christmas, when I don't have to overnight stuff. (I still lose money on each shipping. Which is why the poor people who are just buying underwear get screwed, to subsidize all the coffee mugs.)

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    spotted owl feathers

    Q. You know who *else* "spotted an owl??

    A. no one, lately

  • gullywompr

    Can't you at least try?

    Please?

  • docterry6973

    I ordered a red baseball cap because Phillies, but I don't care when it gets here because I am at war with Christmas.

  • DCBloom

    Merry Armageddon!

  • cybermoe

    HowTF did you know I was lazy?

    • docterry6973

      The Intertubes are llike that.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Rebootably_Joe

    I check out the wonkete store for the articles.

    Of clothing.

  • ttommyunger

    Waiting for the Rush Limbaugh Oxi-tab Pez dispenser….For the 'Ritus.

  • docterry6973

    I continue to be distressed by the vagina dentata panties, even though I am thinking of ordering a pair. For Mrs. Docterry. In case I did not make that clear.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i bought something but i did not have a coupon.

  • emmelemm

    Lionel Hutz will be unwrapping me from a Wonkette tshirt and dentata panties on Christmas morning!