IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN  2:30 pm December 20, 2012

Order Your Wonket Nonsense Tonight If You Want It In Time For XXX-Mas

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Dog and tiny hat not includedHey lazy. Whatcha doin’? Bein’ lazy? Forgetting to buy shit for all the people you love? Well you are in luck, because the post office informs us that if we get them your packages by tomorrow morning, your sorry ass will have presents under your heathen, Jesus-less, responsible-for-Newtown “holiday tree.” (Also, WE WILL EVEN WRAP THEM, oddly and kind of home-madey, in two colors of tissue paper, with ribbon! If you pay us to.) Right. So. Go here. The end. [WonketteBazaar]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 67 comments }

Antispandex December 20, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I'll take one of the dogs wearing the Wonkette hat…and the hat too I guess.

glasspusher December 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I'm not lazy. I've been sick!

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Sharight, like the rest of us are normal…

Disassembly December 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I give to family and friends as I do here: in comments.

nounverb911 December 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

What no Wonkette cats?

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Damn pussies…

Lot_49 December 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm

No pussy for you! Ever!

smokefilledroommate December 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

You're not going to wrap them using a newspaper comics section? That's really home-madey.

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Y'know, I've heard of Teacup Yorkies, but I do believe that's the first one I've ever actually seen.

How do they poop?

smokefilledroommate December 20, 2012 at 2:36 pm

They don't. They are poopless dogs.

el_donaldo December 20, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Then I want to trade my current puppy for one of those poopless dogs. It's amazing how often and HOW MUCH a puppy poops. It's friggin non-stop.

EatsBabyDingos December 20, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I'm Dreaming of a Talking Camel Toe, just like the one's I used to know…

Baconzgood December 20, 2012 at 2:35 pm

What's the point? The world's ending tomorrow.

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Precisely! Editrix gets your money and doesn't have to ship a thing! And gets the rest of time to spend it on hookers and blow!

ManchuCandidate December 20, 2012 at 2:36 pm

But what about the apocamlypsis? Do you promise to get it delivered before the Mayans kill us all because they were too lazy to draw up a calendar past 2012?

EatsBabyDingos December 20, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Do you have ornaments for my Festivus Tree?

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I don't know if you can hang them from your pole, but she's got a couple of nice globes…

gullywompr December 20, 2012 at 4:56 pm

TreeNutz™

AnAmericanInTO December 20, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I already have my new "Old Handsome Joe" mug and, thanks to my inability to use a computer correctly, I became Besties with our dear Editrix in the process.

So, buy some Wonkette crap and you can be Besties with her, too!

Crank_Tango December 20, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I was considering getting into Bestiality…wait no, uh…

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 9:25 pm

OT, but I understand that miniature donkeys make wonderful pets.

smokefilledroommate December 20, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Disclaimer: USPS Priority Mail is NOT a guaranteed service.

MegPasadena December 20, 2012 at 4:21 pm

That's right! I sent a package to Kansas City last Friday, and as checked today, it is now still sitting at our local (LA) sorting location.

Radiotherapy December 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Where do I buy the Special Edition Wonkette AK-47?

Disassembly December 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Is the "I was carrying it ironically" defense valid in most jurisdictions?

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Wonkette even ships shit to MISSISSIPPI. Woo hoo!

jolpaj December 20, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I confuse easily. How do I put things in the cart?

commiegirl99 December 20, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Scroll alllll the way down, and then it says "choose an option". Once you choose an option, you can add it to the cart.

Sorry it is so lame.

HistoriCat December 21, 2012 at 10:52 am

That's OK – Amazon had problems their first year too.

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2012 at 2:45 pm

When are the Wonkette roach clips going on sale?

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Or the Wonkette wine koozies.

StillGoinGreen December 20, 2012 at 4:18 pm

That's so gay.

DahBoner December 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Wonkette condom holders?

Already I tire of my cheap Chinese holder with the pictures of babies and TUITION IS EXPENSIVE…

slithytoves December 20, 2012 at 2:47 pm

If I buy something will you get rid of that fucking hoarding ad up top?

smokefilledroommate December 20, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Only if you promise to never throw it away.

jolpaj December 20, 2012 at 2:50 pm

For serious. I click the item and it shows me a picture, and then I click cart and it says my cart is empty. My wife needs an old handsome Joe mug.

TootsStansbury December 20, 2012 at 2:53 pm

It isn't easy. You have to hunt around for small light colored text not quite at the bottom of the page.

commiegirl99 December 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

It is so much money! But the shipping for the mugs is ridiculous. I actually lose money on each one.

So you scroll alllllll the way down, and it says "choose an option," and once you "choose an option," it lets you put it in the cart.

kingofmeh December 20, 2012 at 6:12 pm

having purchased a mug, this is true! there is a bonafide postage stamp for $8.80 or so on my box, which i think is kinda sad.

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Your wife needs two old handsome Joe mugs, dammit!

chascates December 20, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Hey, try posting something on Wonkville and see what that gets you!

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Is XXX-Mas the day we all get a porn star under the tree? I can't wait!

Chow Yun Flat December 20, 2012 at 2:52 pm

How much is that doggy in the window?

TootsStansbury December 20, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Order stuff so you can get the awesome confirmation message!

kckitty December 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I wanted to order a commie girl tank top, but do NOT wear a size small, as I have huge boobs, but YOU SAID only small is available, so cry.

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Uh, how huge?

bobbert December 20, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Mmm, obligatory "pics or it didn't happen".

fuflans December 20, 2012 at 10:10 pm

oh great. this means mom know what size we are.

BornInATrailer December 20, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Holy Crap that was one expensive mug. Good thing I am not a savvy consumer. It better come packed in a protective bed of spotted owl feathers with that shipping charge.

not that Dewey December 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

How do you know so much about the Wonkette Store? Are you like the bookkeeper or Mafia Enforcer or something?

Disassembly December 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

This guy sure asks a lotta questions. You a cop?

smokefilledroommate December 21, 2012 at 2:13 am

I am 'Lady Mobster'. The cop is on my payroll.

Respitetini December 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Rats. I was hoping to see the cats-eye glasses sporting logo in the discount bin.

SheriffRoscoe December 20, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Might I suggest some xmas specials next year? How about booze and firearms. Example: Buy a handgun and you'll throw in a bottle of our favorite brown liquor. VALUE.

DahBoner December 20, 2012 at 4:10 pm

That dog looks very familar. I thinked she winked at me once on match.com.

"Athletic & Toned"???

Ha! Cut back on the kibbles, baby…

commiegirl99 December 20, 2012 at 4:18 pm

The shipping will be back down to normal — $7.99 — after Christmas, when I don't have to overnight stuff. (I still lose money on each shipping. Which is why the poor people who are just buying underwear get screwed, to subsidize all the coffee mugs.)

Mumbletypeg December 20, 2012 at 4:36 pm

spotted owl feathers

Q. You know who *else* "spotted an owl??

A. no one, lately

gullywompr December 20, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Can't you at least try?

Please?

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 6:19 pm

I ordered a red baseball cap because Phillies, but I don't care when it gets here because I am at war with Christmas.

DCBloom December 20, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Merry Armageddon!

cybermoe December 20, 2012 at 6:47 pm

HowTF did you know I was lazy?

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 9:30 pm

The Intertubes are llike that.

Rebootably_Joe December 20, 2012 at 7:09 pm

I check out the wonkete store for the articles.

Of clothing.

ttommyunger December 20, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Waiting for the Rush Limbaugh Oxi-tab Pez dispenser….For the 'Ritus.

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 9:32 pm

I continue to be distressed by the vagina dentata panties, even though I am thinking of ordering a pair. For Mrs. Docterry. In case I did not make that clear.

fuflans December 20, 2012 at 10:15 pm

i bought something but i did not have a coupon.

emmelemm December 20, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Lionel Hutz will be unwrapping me from a Wonkette tshirt and dentata panties on Christmas morning!

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