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In the wake of the massacre of children at Sandy Hook Elementary (as well as the alarming violent trend in its aftermath), you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Hey, I really need a gun.” Or you already exercise your rights to the fullest, and you’re thinking, “Hey, I really need more guns.” Either way, you’re sick of soft lawmakers who aren’t willing to address the issue in a meaningful way – ok, so some politicians are finally suggesting we arm our schoolteachers, but you’re an American, damnit, and you need to be equipped directly and immediately. Luckily, if you live in the Asheville, North Carolina area, the Asheville Tea Party has you covered.

From the patriotic Americans who brought you the hit family event MACHINE GUN SOCIAL comes THE GREAT GUN GIVEAWAY. For just a $20 or $10 donation respectively, you can be entered to win the DPMS Panther Oracle AR-15 or the Keltee PMR-30 .22 Magnum pistol. Want the details? Sure you do!

The DPMS Panther Oracle AR-15 provides its owner with SO MUCH PROTECTION because you can fire a lot of rounds very quickly – and look! It comes with two 30-round magazines, so you’ll be ready for some serious protecting the instant your prize changes hands. It also comes with a carrying case, but you’ll probably just want to sling it around your back on one of those fancy straps. If you’re more the handgun type, $10 gives you the chance to win the Keltee .22 Magnum, a particularly special pistol because, as the flyer notes, it’s the rare military version, which is bound to bring its new owner intoxicating feelings of EXTREME PROTECTION. You won’t have to tell those neighbor kids twice to turn down that Hip-Hop anymore! The pistol even holds a 30-round clip in case you have to foil a shooting and haven’t had much time yet to practice.

Remember – you must be able to pass the usual background check to receive your prize, so make sure you have a piece of paper where you’ve written (in pen – keep it official!) that you are, in fact, the person you’re going to say you are the day you claim your weapon. Also, be grateful your country doesn’t actively identify and document any subtle or obvious psychological conditions you may have as long as they haven’t surfaced yet.

If you have any questions, please submit them in person to the Asheville Tea Party any Thursday at 6p.m., when the group meets at the IHOP by the Asheville Regional Airport (which definitely isn’t the most depressing thing ever). Don’t miss out on your chance to be a part of The GREAT GUN GIVEAWAY, because you can never be too safe. No, seriously, you can NEVER be too safe anymore – have you seen all the guns all over the fucking place lately?

[Asheville Tea Party]

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