STOP HITTING YOURSELF  2:50 pm December 20, 2012

PSA: Get Your Own Patriotic Protection Apparatus, Courtesy of the Asheville Tea Party

by Taylor Huffman

In the wake of the massacre of children at Sandy Hook Elementary (as well as the alarming violent trend in its aftermath), you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Hey, I really need a gun.” Or you already exercise your rights to the fullest, and you’re thinking, “Hey, I really need more guns.” Either way, you’re sick of soft lawmakers who aren’t willing to address the issue in a meaningful way – ok, so some politicians are finally suggesting we arm our schoolteachers, but you’re an American, damnit, and you need to be equipped directly and immediately. Luckily, if you live in the Asheville, North Carolina area, the Asheville Tea Party has you covered.

From the patriotic Americans who brought you the hit family event MACHINE GUN SOCIAL comes THE GREAT GUN GIVEAWAY. For just a $20 or $10 donation respectively, you can be entered to win the DPMS Panther Oracle AR-15 or the Keltee PMR-30 .22 Magnum pistol. Want the details? Sure you do!

The DPMS Panther Oracle AR-15 provides its owner with SO MUCH PROTECTION because you can fire a lot of rounds very quickly – and look! It comes with two 30-round magazines, so you’ll be ready for some serious protecting the instant your prize changes hands. It also comes with a carrying case, but you’ll probably just want to sling it around your back on one of those fancy straps. If you’re more the handgun type, $10 gives you the chance to win the Keltee .22 Magnum, a particularly special pistol because, as the flyer notes, it’s the rare military version, which is bound to bring its new owner intoxicating feelings of EXTREME PROTECTION. You won’t have to tell those neighbor kids twice to turn down that Hip-Hop anymore! The pistol even holds a 30-round clip in case you have to foil a shooting and haven’t had much time yet to practice.

Remember – you must be able to pass the usual background check to receive your prize, so make sure you have a piece of paper where you’ve written (in pen – keep it official!) that you are, in fact, the person you’re going to say you are the day you claim your weapon. Also, be grateful your country doesn’t actively identify and document any subtle or obvious psychological conditions you may have as long as they haven’t surfaced yet.

If you have any questions, please submit them in person to the Asheville Tea Party any Thursday at 6p.m., when the group meets at the IHOP by the Asheville Regional Airport (which definitely isn’t the most depressing thing ever). Don’t miss out on your chance to be a part of The GREAT GUN GIVEAWAY, because you can never be too safe. No, seriously, you can NEVER be too safe anymore – have you seen all the guns all over the fucking place lately?

[Asheville Tea Party]

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Tom December 20, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Wow – who knew anyone would have the guts to try and top the "Machine Gun Social."

Antispandex December 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I have a feeling it's nothing more than a bunch of guys running around telling all the womens they have a free gun….IN THEIR PANTS! Oh, ahahahahaha, whoa, now THAT'S funny!

Chow Yun Flat December 20, 2012 at 2:54 pm

If you click on that Donate Online link you will get spam from the depths of hell.

MissNancyPriss December 20, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Thank you for the head's up.

EatsBabyDingos December 20, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Does the AR-15 come in Pink or Hello Kitty?

Antispandex December 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Who cares? They're GIVING that shit away! You can apply some cool stickers later. If you don't have a Sanrio Surprises in your neighborhood, you can get that stuff on-line….might need a background check.

EnnuiThereYet? December 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Instead of boring lunch boxes, kids can now express their personalities with neat-o gun decorations. Get the Star Wars guys on this pronto.

weejee December 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm

4 sur we needz to qualify preskoolers in safe opuration of M79 grenade launchers.

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I love how their monthly meet-ups are called "Tea Times." Makes me envision a bunch of armed-to-the-tits grannies discussing the latest Soldier of Fortune centerfold whilst nibbling scones and demurely sipping their tepid Earl Gray.

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Tea times is classy.

BadPuppy December 20, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I believe I saw on the twitterverse somewhere that IHOP has kicked them out…

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Is there a pistol with the Wonkette logo on the butt available?

bobbert December 20, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Well, in my opinion, MissTaken is kind of a pistol, so yeah.

Edit: I mean, there are pictures available, not that she is.

Botlrokit December 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Is this the last we're going to hear about the Tea Party? They used to fill up stadiums; now they're at the IHOP.

BerkeleyBear December 20, 2012 at 3:00 pm

They keep doing this shit. Remember the "fun event" where they shot at pictures of Debbie Wasserman-Schulz? Or how AZ just had to name a state gun right after Gabby Giffords got shot?

But none of this has anything to do with the GOP being full of intolerant racist idiots convinced that when the race war they've been trying to drive this country towards for decades finally comes they will somehow be able to survive all on their little lonesome with a collection of small arms, surplus MRES and faptastic movies like Red Dawn and 300.

I actually wish they'd just get it over with and bunker down. Then we could start cordoning them off until the virus passes.

SigDeFlyinMonky December 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

We tried that cordoning off business, but then the cordon blew!

kissawookiee December 20, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I'm sorry; i haz a confused. Do I need to show my Man Card in order to pick up my prize, or does it come with a new one?

chicken_thief December 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Fuck that man card shit. They call yer name, you walk up and take that sumbitch like it was yer mother's milk. Anybody sez anything, butt stroke the motherfucker.

Respitetini December 20, 2012 at 4:16 pm

It comes with an exponentially-scaled ruler, for all your compensation needs.

justkillmenow December 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm

That .22 pistol is for wimps. For a .22 to do any good you would have to be very close range. The upside: a .22 will rattle around the skull fucking things up along the way.

Dudleydidwrong December 20, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Unfortunately it is a .22 magnum, which uses a longer cartridge than the standard .22 long rifle. Wikipedia says this about it:

The .22 WMR is effective out to 125 yd (115 m) on varmints such as fox or coyote. When loaded with hollow-point bullets, it is too destructive for small game (under 50 yd [45 m]), such as rabbits or prairie dogs or anything intended for eating.[2]

In 2011, Speer released a .22 magnum version of their Gold Dot Personal Protection ammo, and Hornady of their Critical Defense ammo.[12] Both are optimized for the short barrels found in self-defense handguns. Both are made for self-defense.

FakaktaSouth December 20, 2012 at 3:05 pm

What in the hell? I think a major fucking problem we have with guns in this country is how we sell them. Protect yourself! They're coming to take yer shit! I looked this up, and Asheville had 2 murders per 100K in 2008-2010. And there are more than 85K people living there. Crime in general is low-average. What the hell are you PROTECTING YOURSELF!!!! from with a fucking "PANTHER ORACLE" in god damned Asheville, North Carolina, other than what is in your head and now a bunch of rednecks with Machine gun fetishes who have tea time parties? What the fuck man.

chicken_thief December 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Duh. From the attack of the Biltmores. Coming on Dec 22, probably, assuming the Mayans got it wrong.

Negropolis December 21, 2012 at 1:32 am

But, but black people, Fakakta! They are always plotting, always scheming to shoot you to take your shit!

smokefilledroommate December 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm

So they meet at IHOP for the "Machine Gun Social"? Sounds pleasant enough.

Mumbletypeg December 20, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Wait this is Asheville, NC we're talking about? Don't these gun nuts know they can go downtown to a drum circle and *dance* their pent-up aggression out practically any day of the week?

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Then again, it's probably difficult to dance with your head that far up your ass.

irregularJuan December 20, 2012 at 3:14 pm

"able to pass all required background checks"
Does that Test play out like it did in the Simpsons where all you needed to get Uranium was to answer No on the "Are you a terrorist" question ?

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I've got this sudden urge to break out my old Hendrix Band of Gypsies album and jam me some "Machine Gun."

LibrarianX December 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm

AR-15s and – scones?

Antispandex December 20, 2012 at 3:22 pm

This, in addition to being tone deaf it's not really something that will appeal to your average mass murderer. A .22 with a 30 round clip? What are you supposed to do with that? A mass squirrel killing? Kill a room full of rabbits? Ok, maybe the AR has some redneck cred, but a .22? NOT trying hard enough to offend!

Goonemeritus December 20, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Directly after the Hindenburg tragedy many people had a hard time controlling their desire to acquire a Zeppelin.

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm

It's like Robert Frost said in "Stand Your Wall":

"I spoke, to put a notion in his head:
'Why do you think that weapon makes you safe?'
He pondered, cocked and shot me in the chest,
And said again, 'Good rifles make good neighbors.' "

Mumbletypeg December 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

It had been so long since I've seen good old poetry grace our wonkette comments. I'm just slightly bummed it had to be these circumstances to prompt a reciting.

ETA: reciting adaptation. Well done.

Wadisay December 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm

It would be cheaper if they just gave away industrial-strength doses of Viagra.

Tommy1733 December 20, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Maybe this is just a trick by Anonymous.

Callyson December 20, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I seriously think Anonymous infiltrated this group to set this up and make the Tea Party look bad (more so.) Good for them.

Tommy1733 December 20, 2012 at 3:39 pm

" armed-to-the-tits" – THANK YOU FOR THAT!!

StillGoinGreen December 20, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Being an ex-cop, I could tell you a lot of horror stories about guns in the home. I'll spare you the really bad ones and tell you one that ended well:

We rolled up on a 9.1.1. call once, where neighbors had called in multiple shots fired. My heart was racing when we approached the door, but we heard, "It's OK" being yelled out. We commanded them to come outside. It was a man and his wife, both freaked the hell out! He had "heard something" and grabbed his pistol and snuck out the back door to catch the "thief" trying to get in his bedroom window. When he realized the althea bush was scratching the window, he went back in through the door he exited… to find his wife holding her pistol. He screamed and she freaks out, firing 3 rounds at him. He yelled again, flinched and accidentally fired off a round into the floor, causing her to empty the clip. We counted 11 shots confirmed – one grazing hit… and one accidentally discharged bladder. We arrested both – one for warrants and one for a felon in possession of a handgun. The kids slept through it all.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2012 at 4:03 pm

That cherry vodka keeps the lil squirts down for hours. Also, mom & dad sound like they may have been a little, how you say, tweaky?

StillGoinGreen December 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Let's just say we knew the neighborhood well, really well. I was a VERY new officer and didn't laugh at shit, cause… TOUGH GUY!! But they were funny as hell when they were telling us the story and tweaking around all toothlesslike, reenacting it and laughing at themselves. Daddy said, "shit, I even pissed myself!" Then Mama said, "better'n what you usually do!". And they laughed and laughed, the whole time we were cuffing them. I had the one in piss, and I was glad for it!

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 4:58 pm

The Aristocrats!

StillGoinGreen December 20, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Not enough poop or Sarah Silverman.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Oracles for Anacles.

MissTaken December 20, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I wonder if they combined the Machine Gun Social with the old lady knitting club's Ice Cream Social. Two birds, one bullet.

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm

You can use the long spoons to scoop the lead out from the wounds.

Mumbletypeg December 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

As today's animated Google tribute shows: knitting isn't always deadly, but proves to be handy for inadvertently reversing misfortune ~

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

The old ladies can make machine gun cozies!

randcoolcatdaddy December 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

The Asheville Tea Party – Come for the wing nut conservatism, stay for the free penis substitute.

Tommy1733 December 20, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Oh, come on – are you suggesting that Job Creators who happen to be Creating Jobs in the PATRIOTIC PROTECTION APPARATUS sector might be encouraging the baser instincts among the more easily suggestible, who also happen to be able to match the PPA price point, solely or largely based on pure amoral profit motive?

Cuz if not, I will.

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm

You know, for the kids!

Mahousu December 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I was a little worried that 60 rounds with the AR-15 wouldn't provide enough protection. Checking around, though, I find you can easily pick up more 30-round clips for around $14 each. (Lowest price quoted was $8.95, but they were out of stock at the moment.)

chicken_thief December 20, 2012 at 4:18 pm

If a person needs more than 30 rounds to *protect their home* they don't need a second clip, they need better fucking glasses.

Tommy1733 December 20, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Dang when you put it that way, 60 rounds is barely any protection at all.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Either that or you will get AK-rolled.

mavenmaven December 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Next they'll start shooting up the schools and summer camps of liberals, to kill the liberals when they are young before they grow up and threaten their guns.

starfanglednut December 20, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Norway libel.


mrblifil December 20, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Pretty sure they decided on IHOP because the stalls allow for the widest stance.

weejee December 20, 2012 at 3:51 pm
Dudleydidwrong December 20, 2012 at 5:07 pm

That'll be a big seller in Florida.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2012 at 3:53 pm

If they were patient, though, they would have waited till Page and Plant got back together to remaster the box set.

chicken_thief December 20, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I'm with you. The most shocking thing about the article is that they met at the Euro commie IHOP instead of middle America's favorite – the Waffle House.

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Well the favorite of the old Confederate treason states; Waffle House pretty much doesn't exist north of the Mason-Dixon.

zippy_w_pinhead December 20, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Because IHOP is actually the International House of Frogs- frog being a code word for filthy, commie, soshulist, cheese eating surrender monkey Frenchmen.

chicken_thief December 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

With their diet and exercise regimen it's a wonder that any are still around.

zippy_w_pinhead December 20, 2012 at 4:04 pm

that poor diet and excercise regimen is how they filled up those stadiums- there never were that many of them, just lots and lots of real estate per Hoveround riding wngnut butt

Botlrokit December 20, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Woulda been charged double on a Southwest flight

not that Dewey December 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

"Machine Gun Special", or as the IHOP menu calls it, "Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Shooty"

smokefilledroommate December 21, 2012 at 3:11 am


not that Dewey December 21, 2012 at 8:28 am

Jingle Bells Yeah!

el_donaldo December 20, 2012 at 4:01 pm

There are a lot – and I mean a lot – of hippies, hipsters, and artsy types in Asheville. I'm guessing that's why they're so generous with the ammo.

BelleSC December 20, 2012 at 4:42 pm

True that ^

actor212 December 20, 2012 at 4:01 pm


I got a static picture of Little Red Ridiing Hood and the Big Bad Wolf.

ETA: Nevermind. I read up on it on the news.

Mumbletypeg December 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

actor212, you gotta hit the "Play" button!
The 2012 Olympics animated Google doodle of the kayak / raft races was as close as I got to experiencing anything resembling actual footage, which aired too late/early on the teevee for me to get to see any of it..

Wile E. Quixote December 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

You forgot about the fucknut from Utah who wanted to make John Moses Browning's birthday a state holiday on MLK day.

not that Dewey December 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

After the Great Gun Giveaway, they should head across the street to the Asheville Airport and "test the system" of the TSA carry-on policy.

northernbassist December 20, 2012 at 4:03 pm

The AR-15 they're showing here is modified with the addition of the 'ATF approved Bumpski stock.' This piece of American engineering ingenuity provides the closest thing to FULL AUTOMATIC fire without actually having a machine gun. The technology uses the recoil of the weapon to cycle the bolt, so you just just hold your finger on the little piece of metal that activates the firing pin( the Palin curse prevents me from using the specific word) and the gun does everything else for you. I know you'll all want to add one to YOUR AR-15s, as soon as you can sell enough hobo beans to come up with the $450.00 or so it takes to purchase this marvel. And it's available for your AK-47, too!!!

BTW, it's Kel-Tec, not Kel-Tee. They also make a 12 gauge shotgun that holds 15 rounds, for those hooligan duck and goose gangs.

And, may I just say, fuck the Asheville Tea Pac repeatedly with huge, molten, spiky…votes

chicken_thief December 20, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Full auto is a feature for idiots and Hollywood screen writers. It's like waxing your eyebrows with napalm.

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 5:01 pm

The technology uses the recoil of the weapon to cycle the bolt. Don't lots of machine guns do that too? How is this legal oh never mind.

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 4:03 pm

They're just following the advice of John Lennon; happiness is a warm gun.

prommie December 20, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Mmm, guns are bad, mmmkay, children.
Mmmm, raping is bad, mmkay, children.
Mmmmm, michelle obama has great guns, mmmkay, children?

O tempore, O mores! Wonkette, Wonkette, what has become of you? Un-subtle attacks on the obvious, cute kitten pictures, and hey, what about that airplane food, it sucks, amiright? Oy fucking Vey.

Mumbletypeg December 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

*holds up cigarette lighter*


Negropolis December 21, 2012 at 1:36 am

Bitter concern trolling prommie is bitter and concern trolling. But what else is new?

chicken_thief December 20, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Every few years there is an article where the hubby or the wife wakes up with a splitting headache that just won't go away, so they eventually break down and go to the doc only to find that there is a .22 bullet lodged in their skull.

chicken_thief December 20, 2012 at 4:13 pm

They don't even know what a scone is in NC. Them's real 'Merkuns. They eat donuts. By the bushel basket full.

Wile E. Quixote December 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Hey now, be nice, these guys have a point. If Ronald Reagan and James Brady had been packing heat back in March of 1981 they could have defended themselves against John W. Hinckley and dropped him with one shot.

Tommy1733 December 20, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Yes. They use pancakes as clay pigeons, launch them out in the parking lot, and the lucky patriot gets to shoot em as they fly.

valgal2342 December 20, 2012 at 8:33 pm

You gotta admit that's sounds kinda fun…..

mbobier December 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Man! This is a LOT more interesting than the penny-ante raffles seen in so many church basements! Who needs the youth group to paint your garage when you can have a semi-automatic death machine?

drbill0620 December 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Holy mother of jee-bus. An Ar-15 for the teacher.

BelleSC December 20, 2012 at 4:37 pm

That's what has me shaking my head. It's probably one of the only cities in the Carolinas I would *choose* to live. Maybe also Charleston or Hilton Head.

An_Outhouse December 20, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I noticed all the comments are 'OFF' on their website. This is probably because Asheville Tea Party probably consists of one person. You realize every hippy in NC lives in Asheville, right?

DahBoner December 20, 2012 at 4:46 pm


Sure you can get together with other fat obnoxious stupid Teatards and unload 400 talking points a minute, wasting both time and money, making nothing but noise and a stink in the air but IT FEELS SO GOOD…

justkillmenow December 20, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Valid point.

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Is there a wonkette with the..never mind.

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 5:11 pm

A video of the Machine Gun Social:

Amazingly, some of their fellow citizens were upset even though the old white guys (surprise!) held the social inside a firing range. Lots of shootin' but no bleedin'.

kingofmeh December 20, 2012 at 6:04 pm

ring-ring ring-ring ring-ring ring-ring OBAMAPHONE

Troubledog December 20, 2012 at 9:11 pm

You can't require an entry fee. It's not in the constitution. These guys should be put in jail.

ttommyunger December 20, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Meetings always start with the Pledge of Allegiance to Ted (Tiny Peen) Nugent, amirite?

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 1:38 am

Or to Wayne "Squeaky" La Pienis.

ttommyunger December 21, 2012 at 7:15 am

Not only a Dork, a French Dork!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

Corrugated Palin December 20, 2012 at 10:39 pm

UC Berkeley has some of the worst College Republicans in the country, despite being UC Berkeley. I figure it's the same principle at work here.

starfanglednut December 20, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Man, the version from isle of wight will send chills down your spine.

Fuck Toad December 20, 2012 at 11:40 pm

I hope some of these chucklefucks "vote" themselves in the dick.

Negropolis December 21, 2012 at 1:38 am

Ashville is basically a Southern hippie commune up in the mountains, so the few wingnuts there must have to overcompensate to be heard.

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