Q: ARE WE NOT MEN? A: WE ARE DEVO  5:30 pm December 20, 2012

Equivalencies: NOLA School District Embraces Evolution; Tenn. Preacher Says It Caused School Shootings

by Doktor Zoom

Teach the Controversy!In the one step forward, one step back department, we have the heartening news that the school board for Orleans Parish, Louisiana, has voted to explicitly bar schools from teaching creationism or adopting “revisionist” history standards. On the other hand, a Tennessee pastor told his church last Sunday that mass shootings are the inevitable result of “government schools” which are nothing more than “mind-control centers” teaching little more than “junk about evolution” and “how to be a homo.” Still, the pastor is not (yet) running a school district, so maybe America came out slightly ahead on this one.

The rules in Orleans Parish explicitly reply to revised Texas history standards, which insist that Joseph McCarthy was fully justified in seeing commies everywhere and that emphasize the contributions of Phyllis Schlafly and the National Rifle Association to American freedom. The new rules state:

“No history textbook shall be approved which has been adjusted in accordance with the State of Texas revisionist guidelines nor shall any science textbook be approved which presents creationism or intelligent design as science or scientific theories,”

Further, a second rule bars teachers from adding creationism to the classroom on their own initiative:

“No teacher of any discipline of science shall teach any aspect of religious faith as science or in a science class,” it reads. “No teacher of any discipline of science shall teach creationism or intelligent design in classes designated as science classes.”

So there you have some happy news! And now, your Dok Zoom sings the blues: In Fayetteville, Tennessee, pastor Sam Morris of Old Paths Baptist Church had a very serious explanation as to why someone might shoot 26 people with a semiautomatic rifle:

“We get all up in arms about 20 children being shot in a day care but we don’t give one good-glory rip about the 4,000 that were removed violently from the wombs of their mothers [in abortion procedures] the same day,” he explained. “I believe they use children and Christmas and all that to pull on our heart strings about gun control. That’s what it’s all about.”

Because obviously, mass shootings are never about guns or mental health. Nothing new there. So, Pastor Morris, what else led to this massacre?

“Why do you still send your kids to the governmental schools?” the pastor asked the congregation. “What’s behind this shooting that we saw on Dec. 14 in Newtown, Connecticut and the other one’s like it? What’s going on. Well, number one, deception… I got news for you, when you kicked God out of schools, you’re going to be judged for that.”

Morris insisted that “humanism” in schools taught Lanza that he was God and “he can just go blow away anybody he wants.”

Yes, we remember the day they went over that. It was in You Are God 101. We took turns practicing our maniacal laughter, too. Morris then went on to explain why even the very act of biological classification is of the Devil:

“When I got in high school, man, I started learning all this kingdom, phylum stuff, all this junk about evolution,” he recalled. “And I want to tell you what evolution teaches — here’s the bottom line — that you’re an animal. That’s what it teaches. So, you’re an animal, you can act like an animal. Amen.”

Got that? he just out-Broun’d Paul Broun himself!

“So, here you are, you’re an animal and you’re a god! So, what are we going to teach you about in school? Well, we can teach you about sex, we can teach you how to rebel to your parents, we can teach you how to be a homo! But we’re definitely not going to teach you about the word of God! Amen.”

We are almost starting to think he didn’t pay especially close notes in school. That is almost certainly it. Or maybe we were the ones not paying attention, but we are pretty sure we’d have remembered being told that we were animal-gods. (Your Doktor Zoom would want to be Coyote the Trickster, because fun!)

Pastor Morris closed with a rousing defense of Christian homeschooling and carrying a gun at all time:

“They think homeschoolers are a bunch of crazies, man. But I’m going to tell you something, I’ve never seen a police officer or a metal detector at a home school. Never. Amen. Now, there’s plenty of guns at my home school. Amen. I guarantee you we’re not going to have a mass shooting at any of the schools that are represented in this building today. I guarantee you, if there is a shooting, it won’t last very long. Amen.”

Say, Pastor Morris? You know who else was a homeschooler with plenty of guns in her home? Yeah, Nancy Lanza. Amen.

Gluttons for audio punishment can listen to Pastor Morris’s rant at RawStory.

[ThinkProgress / RawStory]

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter and even on Tumblr. And if you’d like to be an animal god, Doktor Zoom is on Twitter, also, too.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 279 comments }

Boojum December 20, 2012 at 5:31 pm

That's why evolution has the word evil in it!

sullivanst December 20, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Only in homeschool, Boojum, only in homeschool.

Nostrildamus December 20, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Also Tivo.

Lascauxcaveman December 20, 2012 at 6:48 pm

♬ ♪ But when you talk about destruct-shuh-uuhhn/
Don't you know that you can count me out.
♬ ♪

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Not to mention "volute".

zyxomma December 20, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Love. Also, too.

finallyhappy December 20, 2012 at 5:32 pm

so this pastor is a horrible know nothing bastard -and yet there are people who hired him to be the pastor and listen to him – ever?

Lascauxcaveman December 20, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Most of these hucksters independent ministers don't get hired by anybody. They rent out some cheap building and try to attract simple-minded bigots and sheeple to chip into the donation plate. The more fire, brimstone, blaming-of-others and dog whistles they can cram into one sermon (and the higher the volume at which it's delivered), the better the haul.

If they're successful, they eventually move into a more churchlike building at some point. If they're *really* successful, they become Rick Warren and sorta-kinda mainstream their sermons to have broader appeal.

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 6:57 pm

I suspect that some of our Northern brethren don't necessary understand the Southern concept of "religion as entertainment"…

HistoriCat December 21, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Don't they assign Huckleberry Finn in school any more? I mean, you would be hard-pressed to find a better description of this scam than the Dauphin's sermonizing in that book.

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Well, a lot of them hope to be hired by a church. They travel around by invitation or look for openings. A lot of these guys are looking for easy gigs; they don't want to have to build a congregations. I'd say most of them want to skip that part.

DaRooster December 20, 2012 at 5:33 pm

So… wasn't Katrina an Act of God? What did this preacher do to deserve that… a trip to Thailand?

Jus_Wonderin December 20, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Take that Texas!

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 5:33 pm

You and I are nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

ChillBill December 20, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Thanks. Last time it took me years to forget about that goddam song.

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:00 pm

♫ Birds do it, bees do it,
Even Communist Chinese do it,
Let's do it, let's fall in loooove… ♪

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Pavarotti's version of Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" is truly awe-inspiring.

TribecaMike December 20, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Cancel Ted Nugent? I could go for that.

PopeEdgardo December 20, 2012 at 7:46 pm

♫ They say that bears
Have love affairs
And even camels.
We're only mammals –
Let's misbehave

Steverino247 December 20, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Let's misbehave!

(Love me some Cole Porter)

corthylio December 20, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Christopher Walken striptease, anyone?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9De3RXLIQ4w

Tommy1733 December 21, 2012 at 12:09 pm
southernboyman December 20, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Its them modern chalk boards in skool that theres the problem…

CrunchyKnee December 20, 2012 at 5:34 pm

This heeya Gawd, sure does act in mysterious ways. Amen.

Joshua Norton December 20, 2012 at 5:36 pm

the 4,000 that were removed violently from the wombs of their mothers

Like they give a real rat's ass about "abortion". They're more interested in "die for having sex, slut".

Wingnut logic: Fetuses are sacred. Real live children are target practice.

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Strange how so few of 'em adopt kids, if they're all *that* hell-fire concerned about children's welfare…

MegPasadena December 20, 2012 at 8:01 pm

"Strange how so few of 'em adopt kids,…"

I suppose this is a good thing, I mean, for the kids, no?

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 11:10 pm

But most of the kids in the foster system who need but don't get adoption have skin too dark for the wingnuts.

PopeEdgardo December 20, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Babies are God's way of punishing you for the sin of having sex. That's why abortion is so heinous – you're trying to get out of jail free (which, if I remember my New Testament, is a form of socialism).

gullywompr December 20, 2012 at 5:37 pm

That species of pastor will be extinct someday…

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I dunno – as long as there's a demand for crazy-ass religion, there'll be suppliers…

PopeEdgardo December 20, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Or maybe they'll involve into humans.

sewollef December 21, 2012 at 9:17 am

I'm unfamiliar with teh vernacular here:

one good-glory rip

How much is that in Ameros and how many can you get to the kilogram [sorry, I'm European... I know, it's my fault]?

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Why does the pastor decry "deception" deception in school, then advocating teaching lies to children as fact?

Maman December 20, 2012 at 5:37 pm

So the town that is known for being perpetually drunk is pro-science and the sober, man of the clothe is nuts. God bless, America!

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Excuse me – "perpetually drunk AND nekkid"…

Caradeloca December 20, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Shouldn't those anthropomorphic ponies be wearing cloths?

gullywompr December 20, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Why? Is one of them just a bit too prurient for you? It's the purple one, isn't it?

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Hot for Teacher, are you?

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm

We must resist temptation.

PopeEdgardo December 20, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Amen.

Although the yellow one does look kinda hot. . . .

GemlikeFlame December 20, 2012 at 9:30 pm

A nude horse is a rude horse. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Society_for_Indecenc

coolhandnuke December 20, 2012 at 5:37 pm

The Texas schoolbooks are so riddled with holes, I doubt they will provide adequate protection to stop an assassins' bullets.

SexySmurf December 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Over the last week, I've heard everybody and everything blamed for the shooting in Newtown EXCEPT Adam Lanza. Apparently Adam Lanza is the only person not responsible for shooting the people he shot.

OzoneTom December 20, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Yep, it is amazing how the wingnut's favorite hobby-horsesponies are exactly the things they blame instead of a nut-case wielding a hoard of lethal weapons — to murder a bunch of women and children.

No one can explain it.

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 6:51 pm

No one can explain it.

Speaking of O'Reilly and the tides… Anypony who questions that the sun and moon rise and set at the behest of Princess Celestia and her sister, Princess Luna, is immediately imprisoned. It's Equestria's dirty little secret.

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Son, you need he'p…

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Get that boy some reg'lar pornography, stat!!

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

In your face, Jindal. In. Your. Face.

Not_So_Much December 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I keep hoping my junk will evolve, but so far nothing. Maybe I should go buy a gun like a real man.

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Evolve into what?

Not_So_Much December 20, 2012 at 7:17 pm

A baby's arm holding an apple?

Or a unicorn. Either one of my lower back tattoos, really.

Joshua Norton December 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

When I got in high school, man, I started learning all this kingdom, phylum stuff, all this junk about evolution

Spoken like any true dumb-ass who got "F" in biology.

savethispatient December 20, 2012 at 5:44 pm

I can't even remember what the phylum is connected to in the song… Is it "the leg bone"?

WhatTheHeck December 20, 2012 at 6:09 pm

“When I got in high school, man, …”

I think the dumb-ass meant to say:
“When I got high in school, man, …”

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Phylum and Forget 'em.

memzilla December 20, 2012 at 8:08 pm

He must have been the genus in the family, giving an order to the class.

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Phylum? I say the the Good Lord sort 'em out.

zyxomma December 21, 2012 at 12:09 am

Phyla full of wimmen?

Doktor Zoom December 21, 2012 at 12:17 am

Ah, then. "Kinds" is the only classification that the Bible recognizes.

PsycWench December 20, 2012 at 7:12 pm

"Spoken like any true dumb-ass who got "F" in biology and immediately blamed it on the subject material

Completed that for you.

Rufus T. Firefly December 21, 2012 at 1:43 am

Phylum? I didn't even kiss um.

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:00 am

Phylum hell – it killed um.

BaldarTFlagass December 21, 2012 at 7:55 am

"We're not in Junior High any more. We're freshmen. We're in the big time now… where the girls will be puttin' out all the time."

Baconzgood December 20, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Godimal? Actually that sounds pretty cool. Do I get to, you know, wear a cape and stuff?

Jukesgrrl December 21, 2012 at 1:29 am

OT: Merry Christmas, Baconzgood. Here's your present: http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelysanders/a-virtual-

Pope_Ratzo December 20, 2012 at 5:39 pm

The American public school system has done a horrible job of teaching me to be a homo.

I keep trying and trying but I just can't seem to get it right.

fatbob54 December 20, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Good point, back in the 70's anybody who was even rumored to be a homo was beaten up in the shower after gym. By manly jocks who were definitely NOT GAY!

Doktor Zoom December 21, 2012 at 1:00 am

I thought I was gay once, but I was only half in Ernest.

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:01 am

You gotta practice.

CrunchyKnee December 20, 2012 at 5:39 pm

So, I went and clicked on that church link, for freedom and was immediately yelled at:

"An Old-Fashioned, UNAFFILIATED, unregistered, PRINCIPLED, Historic Baptist Church which still holds to the old-line faith of the Word of God as our early Christian forefathers did!"

Tell me more about these early christian forefathers, padre douchetardio.

Oh, and props for the Devo alt text.

PopeEdgardo December 20, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Yes, I believe the Rev. Dr. Douchtardio is well known for his monograph tracing the influence of the “Fons vitae” of Avicebrol on Scotus's doctrine of materia primo-prima.

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:05 pm

In other words "We ain't not whorish Papists or even those watered down Mainliners. We worship American Jesus, but not that Mormonish bullshit Missouri Jesus. Fuck it. We whorship what I tell you to worship, ya' hear?"

Doktor Zoom December 21, 2012 at 1:01 am

We're through bein' cool.

gullywompr December 21, 2012 at 1:12 am

It's a beautiful world.

Doktor Zoom December 21, 2012 at 1:15 am

I'm only a Spudboy.

elviouslyqueer December 20, 2012 at 5:40 pm

So, what are we going to teach you about in school? Well, we can teach you about sex, we can teach you how to rebel to your parents, we can teach you how to be a homo!

Wait. Nobody told me there was a class on this. *has a retroactive sad*

Hammiepants December 20, 2012 at 5:45 pm

SO would have signed on for that.

kingofmeh December 20, 2012 at 6:00 pm

drama club?

Lascauxcaveman December 20, 2012 at 7:01 pm

I dunno, all the kids in my daughters HS drama club are nerds and straights, not a rebellious druggie in the bunch. Okay, at least ONE of them may be a homo, but he's a clean cut, straight-A, Jr. ROTC kinda guy.

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Chorus / band…

Wile E. Quixote December 20, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Hey. I was in school plays, sang in concert choir and was on the debate team in high school and I like showtunes. I will have you know that despite all of these pernicious stereotypes, and the fact that I love the Pet Shop Boys and went to their last two concerts in Seattle that I'm not gay, my date for those concerts is, but not me!

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Really. Why should people choose to be gay if they can't get proper teaching?

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Well, some of us DO have a natural bent for it… :0)

Wile E. Quixote December 20, 2012 at 9:29 pm

If there's a class on how to be a homo could straight guys audit it so we could learn how to dance and dress stylishly?

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 9:53 pm

There was a master class for that on Bravo, but it only lasted a couple of seasons.

Tommy1733 December 21, 2012 at 12:32 pm

You'd still have to do the homework.

Wile E. Quixote December 20, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Yeah, but then think about how the saying "those who can't do, teach" would work out in this situation. Plus you'd probably end up with one of the football coaches teaching this class because they weren't qualified to teach anything else, and would you really want that?

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:04 am

There are always adult education options at your local community college.

Jus_Wonderin December 20, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Dude, you are overusing Amen!

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Amen.

ChillBill December 20, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Survival Of The Shittiest.

savethispatient December 20, 2012 at 5:42 pm

But if we outlaw government schools, then only outlaws will have schooling.

PS: Well done to Orleans Parish, I couldn't have phrased those rules any better.

Baconzgood December 20, 2012 at 5:42 pm

"We're definitaly not going to teach you about the word od God…and neither am I"

smokefilledroommate December 20, 2012 at 5:43 pm

good-glory rip

God's term for an abortion.

irregularJuan December 20, 2012 at 5:48 pm

I can barely read this pastor since he keeps adding Amen to the end of every sentence, Amen is added once you finish you prayer and that's it! not use it as a coma.

Lascauxcaveman December 20, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Technically, if he was in a coma, he wouldn't be able to say anything; not even Amen.

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I've head this used a lot in preaching in the South. They do, indeed, use it as a filler. It's a mass and perpetual affirmation to keep the congregation actively following you. Needless to say it's annnoying an uncomfortable as hell if you don't want to play along with the paster…and that's the point.

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 2:54 am

Well, it means "so be it", or something like that, so using it as sort of a cheerleading device in a prayer or a sermon or a scripture reading is at least syntactically coherent.

But this fool has no sense at all of how to use it. He's using it like "full stop".

Negropolis December 21, 2012 at 9:35 am

Like I said, I've heard it used this way before, and somtimes in the very same breath, they'll use it as an inquisition after a paragraph or so to see if you're listening.

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:07 am

That reminds me – does anybody know what "Selah" means?

Secluded Compound December 20, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Coyote once made elk livers into a vagina to trick the fox into fucking him. That's all I remember about the Coyote stories.

That and finding the book and a stash of weed at my friend's hippie parents house.

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Julia Child had a similar recipe.

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 6:32 pm

But then Coyote got rocket-propelled shoes to catch up with Roadrunner, but shot off the side of a cliff, stood in midair for a bit, then looked down and fell down, down, down until he hit the ground with a puff of smoke.

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 2:55 am

This is from the origin myth of the Acme Nation?

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:08 am

And the fox still wouldn't fuck him.

azeyote December 20, 2012 at 5:50 pm

dyslexia runs rampant down there – dog – god – god – dog – who can keep it straight

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 5:50 pm

No kidding– that's what "Say hallelujah!" is for.

GemlikeFlame December 20, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Or, if using the interrogative form, "Can I get an amen?"

hagajim December 20, 2012 at 5:50 pm

The stoopid is strong in this one.

FlownOver December 20, 2012 at 5:51 pm

“And I want to tell you what evolution teaches — here’s the bottom line — that you’re an animal. That’s what it teaches. So, you’re an animal, you can act like an animal. Amen.”

…unlike Pastor Morris, who is clearly from the plant kingdom. One of the mosses, most likely – maybe a turnip when he's really in high-functioning mode.

Rotundo_ December 20, 2012 at 6:12 pm

The good reverend would more likely be a fungus, since plants produce oxygen and sequester carbon (both of which we could use more of about now). And a turnip is far more useful than he could ever dream of being. Now one of those fungal species that decays wood and breaks it down into soil would be a bit too useful to apply, so maybe he is one of the tinea types that cause athlete's foot or crotch rot. Those are pretty useless…

Dudleydidwrong December 20, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I was thinking of pond scum, but maybe that's too high a reach for Morris.

(Wasn't Morris a cat? Those who believe in reincarnation, could it be that Morris the cat has come back as…Nah. Not a chance.)

Naked_Bunny December 21, 2012 at 9:25 am

I can see how the Christian belief that you're a hopeless sinner who deserves to be tortured forever by demons if you don't suck the cock of an invisible space lich would be more inspiring.

Goonemeritus December 20, 2012 at 5:54 pm

a Tennessee pastor told his church last Sunday that mass shootings are the inevitable result of “government schools” which are nothing more than “mind-control centers”

And Churches aren’t, thanks to the mind control practiced by my church I can’t truly enjoy red meat during Lent , I have denied myself access to half the world’s potential sex partners and I have one hell of a bingo habit.

GeneralLerong December 20, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Thanks for reminding me to have nice big ribeye every Friday in Lent.

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 20, 2012 at 5:55 pm

How come no one anywhere worships dogs?

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Looks like wolves get most of the attention (but dogs were reclassified a few years back as a subspecies, canis lupis domesticus.) In India, dogs aren't quite gods, but they are revered helpers of a god: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_worship#Dog

FlownOver December 20, 2012 at 6:05 pm

ANUBIS LIBEL!

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Wasn't Anubis a jackal? But yeah, still a canid.

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Dogs, coyotes, wolves and foxes are all basically the same thing and can inter-mate, right? Or am I just makin' up my own science again?

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:13 pm

A jackal is a dog in the same way we call a lion a cat. Don't start getting pedantic on us, now.

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Because cats are cuter?

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Def.

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 7:10 pm

And they already assume that they're deities.

PopeEdgardo December 20, 2012 at 7:33 pm

New Yorker cartoon – cat addresing dog: "I was a dog in a previous life, but I came back as a god"

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:48 pm
BigSkullF*ckingDog December 20, 2012 at 9:57 pm

HOW. DARE. YOU.

corthylio December 20, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Some people don't know how to ask politely for their skullf*cking…

WhatTheHeck December 20, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I listened to Wolfman Jack religiously.

Callyson December 20, 2012 at 7:25 pm

You haven't met many dog owners, have you?

corthylio December 20, 2012 at 9:14 pm

My thoughts exactly! (Expen$ive visit to the vet today…)

Callyson December 21, 2012 at 1:09 am

I feel your pain…not looking forward to the next Visa bill…

TribecaMike December 20, 2012 at 7:31 pm

According to Wikipedia– yeah, right — "the [Incan] god Xolotl made the Xoloitzcuintli [aka The Mexican Hairless] from a sliver of the Bone of Life from which all mankind was made. Xolotl gave this gift to Man with the instruction to guard it with his life and in exchange it would guide Man through the dangers of Mictlan, the world of Death, toward the Evening Star in the Heavens. Some people in Mexico continue to believe this breed has healing qualities."

GeneralLerong December 20, 2012 at 7:35 pm

In [Your Country Here], dogs worship you.

GemlikeFlame December 20, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Because most fundamental Christians are dyslexic?

corthylio December 20, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Anem!

GemlikeFlame December 20, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Cave canem.

FTFY (pretty good, though. One thumb up.)

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Ancient Egypt libel!

Rufus T. Firefly December 21, 2012 at 1:47 am

Because they're stinky and drooly.

MissTaken December 20, 2012 at 5:55 pm

My gay animal god kid beat up your home-schooled kid.

noodlesalad December 20, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Do you ever get the feeling that Lincoln's ghost might sometimes have to repeat "We got rid of slavery, it was worth it. We got rid of slavery. It was worth it, it was worth it," a whole bunch while watching these assholes?

Antispandex December 20, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Well, I see now! It's because we kicked God out of school. Easy fix, we could start to teach the kiddies the Hindu stuff, or the Buddhism, or if they are Christians, the Catholic kind. I'm sure every Protestant minister in the country would be fine with that. Amiright?

Tommy1733 December 21, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Uemwrong!

Baconzgood December 20, 2012 at 5:57 pm

In other news New Orleans changed its motto. It now sais "The Parish of Orleans. Yeah…we should probally be in The North"

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 8:14 pm

In fairness, the Big Easy does have its own, ah, traditions of government that might not fit in anywhere else except Louisiana.

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Chicago/Philly/Any Old Democratic Machine Anywhere libel!

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 2:59 am

You betcha.

Wilcoxyz December 20, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Home schooling is God's way of thinning the heard.

ElPinche December 21, 2012 at 1:14 am

For a sec, I read "thinning the beard." In any case, I laughed twice!

Wilcoxyz December 21, 2012 at 10:59 am

D'ohhhh. Herd. Thinning the herd.

HistoriCat December 21, 2012 at 1:01 pm

No, no – go with it; it works.

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Other than guns and ditch digging, what else do kids really need to learn?

Antispandex December 20, 2012 at 6:10 pm

The three R's. Reading, Righting, and Rithmetic! Because writing and arithmetic are too hard!

corthylio December 20, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Rithmetic is the same as the rhythm method, ya? Don't want these fine Xtians whoring around…

JustPixelz December 20, 2012 at 7:10 pm

The three Rs: Readin', Reagan, Jebus and Nascar. That's what and how I were taught.

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:10 pm

"You want fries with that?"

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Sammich-making, for the penis-impaired.

not that Dewey December 21, 2012 at 8:16 am

A primer on crawling through mine shafts would be nice. And an overview of what their responsibilities at the munitions factory will be.

Naked_Bunny December 21, 2012 at 9:20 am

Anal and oral sex isn't real sex.

Antispandex December 21, 2012 at 1:28 pm

…but it'll do in a pinch.

IceCreamEmpress December 20, 2012 at 5:57 pm

I am suing my school district because they never taught me to be a homo. I had to learn it on the streetcorner from the other kids, and that's not right.

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Based on the kid in Connecticut I'd say a lot of people are going to be putting metal detectors in the door to their master bedrooms.

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Who sheds a tear for all the sperm lost every day since the Internet was invented?

Barrelhse December 20, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Annabelle Chong?

Blueb4sinrise December 20, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Nostrildamus December 20, 2012 at 6:12 pm

They only kicked God out of school because he was being kind of a dick.

Misty Malarky December 20, 2012 at 7:14 pm

That's pretty much the conclusion I've come to since the response to any horrible event like this is always seems to be "Kids don't pray in school any more so God let a bunch of 'em die. Oh and abortion".

Whatta dick hole.

NinjaCat_Baba December 20, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Q: What do you call a student who flunk high school biology?
A: A Baptist Preacher

Mittaplasia December 20, 2012 at 8:53 pm

A red state politician?

Jukesgrrl December 21, 2012 at 1:33 am

They flunked out of more than biology.

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Biology class should have taught me 'how to be a homo'? I was ripped off!

BlueStateLibel December 20, 2012 at 6:37 pm

And yet, Adam Lanza's Mom pulled him out of school and home-schooled him. Explain. Also, that is the funniest My Little Pony illustration ever.

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 8:34 pm

I just found this, which is also amusing.

gullywompr December 20, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Oh shit, I actually understand that.

Oh.
Shit.

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 9:50 pm

So are these ponies female and male, or are they all female, or what?

gullywompr December 20, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Ya know Chet, I can actually answer that question. How pathetic is that?

Cutting to the chase – they're all female, except the dragon. It's a comment on the character's personalities, which I'm ashamed to admit, I'm now familiar with, thanks to being indoctrinated by Dok's equine agenda.

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 11:54 pm

The central characters are all females (It's a show and product for girls, after all), though there are a fair number of male ponies as well.

Possibly worth mentioning: MLP pretty much turns what Katha Pollitt called the "Smurfette Principle" on its head — here's a popular show where it's pretty much a safe assumption that any background character is going to be female.

Oh, and one of the occasional male characters? Dr Whooves.

In addition to all the feministy stuff, this really is a show made by nerds.

Chow Yun Flat December 20, 2012 at 6:37 pm

This is the textbook for the How to be a Homo class.

PopeEdgardo December 20, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Harvard. It figgers.

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 3:06 am

Men. Boys. Crowbar.

(A joke from high school).

Chow Yun Flat December 20, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Amen, amen, amen…

I thought these hardshell preachers were supposed to wait for the congregation to do the amening.

poorgradstudent December 20, 2012 at 6:42 pm

You know, as much as I'd like to give some credit to the "Both sides are just as bad!" crowd, you really don't see liberals blaming killing sprees on women not having access to abortions or on intolerance of gays.

ifthethunderdontgetya December 20, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Hellfire And Brimstone, and meth and rentboys…

and bronies?

I stopped expecting the world to make sense long ago, and yet…
~

bikerlaureate December 20, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I’ve never seen a police officer or a metal detector at a home school.

Conclusive proof, even for you scoffers, that whatever Sam Morris hasn't personally witnessed is UNPOSSIBLE.

Callyson December 20, 2012 at 7:09 pm

“government schools” which are nothing more than “mind-control centers” teaching little more than “junk about evolution” and “how to be a homo.”

Dammit, Mom always said I'd regret the classes that I cut out of…

Callyson December 20, 2012 at 7:12 pm

“Why do you still send your kids to the governmental schools?” the pastor asked the congregation.

The pastor went on to say "Because we could really use your tuition dollars…"

/FFS

PopeEdgardo December 20, 2012 at 7:20 pm

No shit.

Hey Doc, do you happen to know the mark-up on the Xian history book?

TribecaMike December 20, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Bit o' trivia: Many Old Paths Gospel churches are aligned with the teachings of The Gospel Standard , a "Strict Baptist" magazine first published in 1835. The current editor of The Gospel Standard is B.A. Ramsbottom.

fatbob54 December 20, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Yer makin that last name up, right?

TribecaMike December 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Nope. Bet he got beat up a lot in home schooling

unclejeems December 21, 2012 at 2:58 am

No doubt the butt of many jokes.

PopeEdgardo December 20, 2012 at 7:14 pm

I'm so old we didn't have homo classes. That's why there were so few homos in those days. Also, we wore an onion on our belts to ward them off.

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:18 pm

"Yup, them was the days of the ol' steam-powered homos…"

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:21 pm

So, what you're saying is that you had to blow smoke up their asses to get 'em to work?

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:25 am

You had to take em by the crank to start em up.

docterry6973 December 20, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Gosh, what was the Internet like in those days?

chascates December 20, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Slow.

corthylio December 20, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Back then, it was called the Pony Express. Looks like we've come full circle.

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 3:08 am

Nicely done.

Doktor Zoom December 21, 2012 at 10:01 am

Nicely played! (golf clap)

Barrelhse December 20, 2012 at 7:15 pm

I have a sneaking suspicion that our dear 'Rod Flash' here is going to be opening a for-profit private "school."

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:27 am

And godamighty, he's hungry – for your cash.

mbobier December 20, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Old Paths' website lists the church as "old-fashioned, unaffiliated, unregistered." In other words, it's a Baptist church that can preach any nonsense it likes because it is not responsible to any denomination — or, apparently, at all.

This reminds me of a church sign I saw in California that advertised the church in question as "Independent. Fundamental. Conservative." When I told our pastor about this, he wryly noted, "That tells you all you need to know about that church."

BadKitty904 December 20, 2012 at 7:23 pm

They forgot "unhinged"…

mbobier December 20, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Excellent!!!!

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 3:09 am

As far as I can tell, the website also doesn't tell you where the hell the church is located.

Also, this:

"Recently, our Pastor was convicted concerning his baptism and ordination. He was Scripturally baptized, ordained, and sent-out on 9/18/2011 by Toronto Baptist Church, Toronto, ON."

Can anybody tell me what the hell that means?

Doktor Zoom December 21, 2012 at 9:57 am

I've never seen it used this way, but I think "convicted" here means "convinced" or "confirmed" or something like that. I am not completely up with fundie lingo.

Chet Kincaid_ December 21, 2012 at 10:34 am

The word was used a lot in my fundie upbringing. It is used to mean both the things you are really convinced of, and the acknowledgement of your culpability/sin/weakness. There's lots of Google on "conviction in the Bible", here's one:
http://www.studylight.org/dic/hbd/view.cgi?number

EDIT: Actually, this sense of the word is not specifically Biblical/Fundie, it's the second definition in the Apple built-in dictionary:

2 a firmly held belief or opinion: his conviction that the death was no accident | she takes pride in stating her political convictions.
• the quality of showing that one is firmly convinced of what one believes or says: his voice lacked conviction.

I guess the unusual thing is going to "convicted" as a verb for that general meaning, instead of just using "convinced."

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Way to go, Orleans Parish!

sean_p December 20, 2012 at 7:27 pm

one good-glory rip.

fatbob54 December 20, 2012 at 11:22 pm

that's what we Methodists call farting in church.

subsum December 20, 2012 at 11:35 pm

What a pathetic poor little thing this pastor dude. He can't even bring himself to use some red-blooded profanity when pretending to be pissed. If he has to repress himself with this just imagine his facial expression when actually farting or, better yet, having an orgasm. Not a pretty sight, I'm sure.

mavenmaven December 20, 2012 at 7:30 pm

…You kicked God out of the schools, and now He's gonna shoot his way back in, riding on the back of a dinosaur…

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2012 at 7:31 pm

“And I want to tell you what evolution teaches — here’s the bottom line — that you’re an animal. That’s what it teaches. So, you’re an animal, you can act like an animal. Amen.”

Methinks Pastor Dumbass is afraid that, as an animal rather than a specially created extra-taxonomic image of The LORD, he'll have to come up with his own morals and practices rather than the ones allegedly handed down in his stupid book.

And while most social animals could easily manage to make some simple rules allowing them to live together more or less harmoniously, if not better than the random jumble of Thou Shalt Nots Dumbass uses, in his case I understand his anxiety.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr December 20, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Evolution Ponies!

decentcitizen December 20, 2012 at 7:36 pm

New singles ad: Christian gun wielder seeks godly holster…

voodooeconomics December 20, 2012 at 8:24 pm

I am not sure about the subject of this thread..I had 4 scotch on the rocks and tomorrow is the 21st,,fuck man

Mittaplasia December 20, 2012 at 8:57 pm

This will be the 3rd "end of the world" this year, but, just in case, I haven't done any Christmas shopping yet.

TribecaMike December 20, 2012 at 9:01 pm

He neglected to mention swirlies. Or maybe he's trying to forget.

rocktonsam December 20, 2012 at 9:23 pm

oh noes, Drunky John doesn't have enough votes for plan B.

Jukesgrrl December 21, 2012 at 1:36 am

Prolly doesn't have a Plan B for the Plan B either.

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 3:10 am

Damn. What a surprise.

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:34 am

"for all they that take the wingnut shall perish with the wingnut" saith the Lord.

DustyBowlBlues December 20, 2012 at 9:45 pm

“So, here you are, you’re an animal and you’re a god! So, what are we going to teach you about in school? Well, we can teach you about sex, we can teach you how to rebel to your parents, we can teach you how to be a homo! "

I was totally cheated! None of the above were offered at my high school. Who would think that an institution named after U.S. Grant could be such a, yes, there is no other word for it, FAIL.

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 3:14 am

Damn, I was all the way out of the Air Force before I figured out how to rebel to my parents, and by then it was kinda pointless.

And, honestly, I could have used some more instruction about sex, but I was younger then.

ttommyunger December 20, 2012 at 9:48 pm

What can Broun do for you? Not much, Sparky, not much….

redarmyzombie December 21, 2012 at 5:28 am

I picked the wrong week to quit huffing glue, apparently…

Wile E. Quixote December 20, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Every time some fucktard like this Sam Morris, or Mike Huckabee or Bryan Fischer or any of the Jesus-squeezin Christoid crowd opens his mouth I'm reminded of these quotes from Robert A. Heinlein's If This Goes On…., a novel about a future where America has become a brutal Christoid theocracy.

I believe very strongly in freedom of religion-but I think that that freedom is best expressed as freedom to keep quiet. From my point of view, a great deal of openly expressed piety is insufferable conceit.

Not every case-I've known the good and the humble and the devout. But how about the man who claims to know what the Great Architect is thinking? The man who claims to be privy to His Inner Plans? It strikes me as sacrilegious conceit of the worst sort-this character probably has never been any closer to His Trestle Board than you or I. But it makes him feel good to claim to be on chummy terms with the Almighty, it builds his ego, and lets him lay down the law to you and me. Pfui! Along comes a knothead with a loud voice, an I.Q. around 90, hair in his ears, dirty underwear, and a lot of ambition. He's too lazy to be a farmer, too stupid to be an engineer, too unreliable to be a banker-but, brother, can he pray! After a while he has gathered around him other knotheads who don't have his vivid imagination and self-assurance but like the idea of having a direct line to Omnipotence.

…the nice thing about citing God as an authority is that you can prove anything you set out to prove. It's just a matter of selecting the proper postulates, then insisting that your postulates are 'inspired.' Then no one can possibly prove that you are wrong."

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:38 am

Shorter Heinlein: Nobody likes a holy Joe.

DustyBowlBlues December 20, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I assume the Rwingers will create a remarkably convoluted and illogical conspiracy linking the Democrats, Satan and the shooter. It sounds as if it won't be long until they're there.

chascates December 20, 2012 at 11:04 pm

I tried posting a link to 'Adam Lanza had a Satan worshiping page' but either Intense Debate or Rebecca's comment nannybot didn't like it.

not that Dewey December 20, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Terry posted the aptly titled "The Craziest Theory of the Connecticut Shooting Yet". I don't know about Satan, but it's one of the more convoluted and illogical conspiracies I've seen in a LONG time. Your intuition is quite good.

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 3:18 am

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

The existence of this person suggests that we are doomed as a species.

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:40 am

"Democrats, Satan and the shooter." Don't leave out the homos and abortion!

DustyBowlBlues December 20, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Wasn't there a single mention of the Muslins? How did that happen?

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 10:57 pm

…I guarantee you we’re not going to have a mass shooting at any of the schools that are represented in this building today. I guarantee you, if there is a shooting, it won’t last very long. Amen.”

I can guarantee you that, too, because, first off all, you're probably homeschooling a single child, so, you know, no "mass shooting." And on the other hand, you'll probably be the one doing the shooting of your child.

Lies, every last one of them, lies from the pit of hell.

corthylio December 20, 2012 at 11:12 pm

OT: Any of y'all MA Wonketteers have an opinion on Ben Affleck replacing John Kerry in the Senate? http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/how

fatbob54 December 20, 2012 at 11:29 pm

As a former Masshole he's rich enough to represent Mass, and he's as dreamy as Scott Brown, but I'm afraid that having a washed up actor turn to politics would cause mass fainting in the republican party….

Negropolis December 20, 2012 at 11:26 pm

I'm not a Masshole, but they could elect a bowl of steaming chowder so long as they don't let Senator Stapledick back in. And, to be honest, I thought the president had learned from poaching Senate seats for his cabinet.

MayanRadio December 20, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Are we all dead yet?
I think I just felt a magnetic field shift.
Oh wait, that was the cabbage and sausage I had for dinner….waiting….

Apocalyptypeg December 21, 2012 at 12:30 am

I just made end-of-the-world brownies. Here, have one~

(200th comment on this thread, also. I'm sure it means something.)

MayanRadio December 21, 2012 at 12:46 am

Good job brownie

cousinitt December 21, 2012 at 3:11 am

Heckuva buzz, brownie.

Vecchiojohn December 21, 2012 at 8:44 am

So this is the afterlife, eh? No wings, no halo and my back still hurts like hell. What a ripoff.

Barrelhse December 20, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Anyone know which time zone the world will end in? Cause I've got about 4 min.

Edit: Still here at :09, but if it's anything like the Rapture I'd expect that.

Good news for Harold Camping.

Blueb4sinrise December 21, 2012 at 12:14 am

Turns out that if there are a bunch of photos of jaguars in Southern Arizona, the Mayan Apocalypse will not take place.
http://uanews.org/story/wildlife-monitoring-camer

BadKitty904 December 21, 2012 at 12:44 am

So PRETTY…

BadKitty904 December 21, 2012 at 12:47 am
Doktor Zoom December 21, 2012 at 12:57 am

That's an ocelot of work….

MayanRadio December 21, 2012 at 1:25 am

Those cats love that fish-eye lens…

cousinitt December 21, 2012 at 12:25 am

I have to admit, homeschooling sex education keeps it in the family.

"OK Bobby, Cindy, time for dinner!"

"Coming, Mom!"

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 3:25 am

"Dammit Bobby"

BTWBFDIMHO December 21, 2012 at 1:52 am

Amazel Alleinad
para el q preguntaba los horarios acà va:
06:30 – Apertura del Fin
07:00 – Lluvia de meteoritos
08:30 – Llegada del primer tsunami
10:00 – Bienvenida de los ovnis
10:30 – flashmob baile de ovnis al estilo de Gangnam
11:36 – Comienzo de la Destrucción (subtitulada en varios idiomas.)
12:00 – Eclipse y la alineación de todos los planetas del sistema solar.
12:00-14:00 – ALMUERZO

14:15 – Inversión de polos magnéticos de la Tierra
15:00 – Super calentamiento Global
16:30 – Inicio de la aniquilación de los terrícolas
17:00 – Arjona
18:00 – Revelación de los alienígenas residentes en la tierra

19:00 – ONCECITA LIVIANA

20:00 – Reapertura del túnel entre el Taj Mahal y Machu Picchu

21:00 – PIZZA NAPOLI

22:00 – Revelación del amigo secreto
23:00 – Brindis
23:30 – Fin del Mundo.

18 minutes ago near Montevideo, Uruguay ·

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 3:26 am

Wait. Where's the Airing of Grievances?

BTWBFDIMHO December 21, 2012 at 4:05 am

19:30 – The President declares NRA a terrorist organization.
20:00 – The President bans NASCAR and sends the cars to CHINA to be transformed into solar panels.

BaldarTFlagass December 21, 2012 at 8:02 am

kkkkkkkkkkk!

MayanRadio December 21, 2012 at 10:51 am

Necessitas mas "fiscal cliff."

cousinitt December 21, 2012 at 4:43 am

21:15 – Llamas! http://youtu.be/FbwkkXGmFrI
23:59 – Zombie Reagan announces for 2016 three-peet. Wingnut Nation collapses into singularity from massive cognitive dissonance.

redarmyzombie December 21, 2012 at 5:20 am

Okay Dok, you can have Coyote, but *I'M* calling Anansi here!

Nowisallthereis December 21, 2012 at 7:40 am

So we are animals? Seems that the only other choice would be that we are plants. Maybe the pastor has chlorophyll for brains, but I don't.

chascates December 21, 2012 at 8:29 am

Maya Expert: The 'End Of Times' Is Our Idea, Not The Ancients' http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2012/12/20/16

Which is obvious since the Mayans rarely performed human sacrifices (preferring animal sacrifice and human blood-letting) as gifts to their gods whereas we Americans champion a religion where the unrestrained ownership, accumulation, and use of high powered firearms is crucial.

HobbesEvilTwin December 21, 2012 at 9:38 am

And in San Diego, the Fundies are up in arms about teaching grade school kids yoga.
http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/parents_cl

GoodDogThor December 21, 2012 at 9:53 am

"I got news for you, when you kicked God out of schools, you’re going to be judged for that.”

…in a positive light by the rest of the civilized world.

metamarcisf December 21, 2012 at 11:32 am

All the texbooks in question are kept under lock and key in the Texas School Book Suppository

SideshowSlob December 21, 2012 at 11:41 am

"You Are God 101"

I took that, it was just mushrooms.

ttommyunger December 21, 2012 at 1:14 pm

"The world needs ditch-diggers too, son." – Judge Smails, "Caddyshack".

DahBoner December 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

"I’ve never seen a police officer or a metal detector at a home school"

NEEDZ MOAR BUM FIGHTS!

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2012 at 8:17 pm

I take it neither of you wants to read my fanfic, "The Trial of Twilight Sparkle"?

Chet Kincaid_ December 20, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Oh God, is it some kind of Twilight/MLP crossover reverse slash?!

HistoriCat December 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Is that online somewhere? I'm asking for a friend …

GemlikeFlame December 20, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Everything but the foxes, they's vulpes, the rest are canis. Different number of chromosomes, I think.

Edit: Vulpes are also canidae, but not canis. Still don't think they can interbreed, though.

SorosBot December 20, 2012 at 11:07 pm

No, Twilight Sparkle is just the name of the main Pony; it's got nothing to do with the sparkly Mormon vampires.

Doktor Zoom December 21, 2012 at 12:59 am

Really! I mean, sure, I'm a 50 year old man talking about a cartoon for little girls, but at least I have a bit of taste.

Doktor Zoom December 21, 2012 at 1:11 am

START?????????????

ElPinche December 21, 2012 at 1:27 am

I get my Smurf nowledgge from the teevee:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-rGGmXpLjw

Chet Kincaid_ December 21, 2012 at 10:42 am

Wow, two of the things I dismiss out of hand in one: MLP and Dr. Who!

bobbert December 21, 2012 at 2:57 am

Ha. Also, half-ish jackal.

Negropolis December 21, 2012 at 9:28 am

I was trying to be nice! WAH!

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