wheels within wheels man

Concussion-Gate: Hillary Clinton Perpetrates America’s Most Nefarious Coverup

hillz' concussion is as legit as this pictureFor us, the worst part of this Benghazi incident (NEVER FORGET! WORSE THAN 9/11 AND WORLD WAR TWO AND STAR WARS EPISODES 1-3 COMBINED!) is that we have to hear what John Bolton thinks about anything at all. Unless we need a helpful primer in how to demand to be in an organization we loathe or how to grow a foolproof  foodtrap mustache, we have no need of John Bolton thank you very much. We are both grateful to, and angry at, Media Matters. They watch John Bolton (and Fox News!) so we don’t have to, but then they write about it and we still have to talk about John Bolton (and Fox News!) and how Hillz is just faking that concussion so she doesn’t have to testify about our nation’s greatest overseas tragedy:

The Washington Post reported on December 15 that Clinton sustained a concussion after she fainted due to dehydration while at home a week prior. After the incident, the State Department explained that Clinton would have to postpone her testimony about the attack on Benghazi due to the concussion.

Following the State Department’s announcement, Fox News contributor John Bolton, appearing on On The Record, suggested Clinton was faking “diplomatic illness” to avoid testifying about Benghazi. The State Department’s Victoria Nuland lashed out at Bolton for his remarks, labeling them “wild speculation based on no information.”

Like the playground bullies they all are, after Bolton led the way, Fox News’ on-air “personalities” (we are using that term SO GODDAMN LOOSELY) had to pile on with even stupider jokes:

Co-host of Fox News’ The Five, Kimberly Guilfoyle, accused Clinton of running “a duck and cover” after suffering the concussion. Co-host Greg Gutfeld went on to ask, “How can she get a concussion when she has been ducking everything [related to Benghazi]?”

Lameduck angerbear Allen West had to get in on the action too, showing up on Fox and Friends (which always sounds like a children’s show from yr Wonkette’s youth, but it is instead a modern day horrorshow) to share his incisive wit:

“I’m not a doctor, but it seems as though…the Secretary of State has come down with a case of Benghazi flu,” West said on “Fox and Friends.” “I think we have to get to the bottom of this. There’s still a very countless amount of unanswered questions.”

There are indeed “very countless” unanswered questions here, but most of them are about about why Fox people are being such dicks. Also, too, if Hillz had a grand plan to avoid testifying about Benghazi, is the most foolproof method a minor injury that pushes back the testimony approximately a week? Also, too, said minor injury required a giant string of prior incidents in order to happen:

“While suffering from a stomach virus, Secretary Clinton became dehydrated and fainted, sustaining a concussion,” State Department spokesman Philippe Reines said in a statement…

Clinton fell ill with a stomach virus last weekend and was forced to cancel a planned trip to the Middle East and North Africa. The virus also hit other members of her staff, who were returning with her from a European trip, and was described as uncomfortable, but not medically serious.

So let’s get this straight. Hillz faked a stomach virus, had her staff fake a stomach virus (or gave it to them because she has no soul and killed Vince Foster), then faked her fainting so that she could cry “concussion!” and avoid debunking conservative nonsense about Benghazi? What the hell kind of Rube Goldberg scheme is this supposed to be?

Jesus. This is like being stuck at Christmas dinner until the end of time, your racist uncle sitting next to you regaling you with his “edgy” humor intermingled with conspiracy theories.


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  1. Oblios_Cap

    The State Department’s Victoria Nuland lashed out at Bolton for his remarks, labeling them “wild speculation based on no information.”

    So these remarks are the same as every other shitty thing Bolton has ever uttered?

    1. ButthurtWingers2012

      Pretty much sums up his entire career as a conservative "intellectual". Herman Cain has in so many ways aside from his hilarious campaign summed up the GOP's rigor in discussing the opposition: "I don't have facts to back this up, but…(insert wild, ridiculous speculation)"

  2. Citizen Kitteh

    If your art department (intern with Photoshop?) put in a little more work, you could of had a cross-eyed Hillary.

      1. noodlesalad

        A comical lump that rises above the hairline would have also been a nice touch, but the bird is a solid addition.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            Your Editrix has made it quite clear that Pony images are embargoed from any articles other than my own. The Pony Revolution must remain on hold.

          2. BaldarTFlagass

            The Ponies can be your very own visual signature, the Wonkette version of George Burns' (or General Ripper's) cigar.

  3. Oblios_Cap

    I'm tempted to break my "No More Clintons or Bushes" rule and vote for Hils if she runs just to watch these bastards' heads explode when she wins.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        Jesus, what evidence is there for that tired fucking meme, on her part or his? I wish you guys would make up your minds whether he has no balls or a dick the size of an ICBM. Also, Hillary failed miserably at passing any kind of health care; Obama didn't. So his balls must be bigger.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          You're right, Bamz didn't really deserve that bit o' snark; it's just fun to talk about Hil's balls.

          My apologies to you and the the Prez (who I still see more as a brainy chessmaster than a ballsy pugilist.)

        2. ButthurtWingers2012

          Pretty true…not to mention Hillary was the PRESUMPTIVE Democratic nominee in 2007 and couldn't even come close to sealing the deal. She buddied up with the insurance industry after they funded some of the anti-Clinton garbage that tarnished her and her husbands reputations. As if that wasn't bad enough she went from vocally supporting the horseshit Iraq war to 5 years later when Bamz had her back against the wall (again over a nomination she was the overwhelming favorite to attain the moment Bush cheated Kerry in 2004) she suddenly repudiates her previous support at the eleventh hour which nobody bought. I don't get where the Clinton mystique for toughness came from, Hillary to me has shown a disturbing capability to reverse her own positions when challenged whereas Obama's negotiater tendencies might be occassionally irritating, but he hasn't signed NAFTA, or Graham-Leach-Bliley like big daddy Bill did (he made them signature legislation, too).

        3. ButthurtWingers2012

          Second off (to continue my sort of rant) Obama has been saddled with an opposition so ideologically bound, corrupt and stupid and has stared into that abyss of stupid and taken them to the limit time and again. His comprimises have always occured because he's unwilling to allow Republicans to ritualistically fuck over this entire country and he gets served kettles of shit from his own side for it. Not only that, but he's been unflappable in spite of the constant stream of withering abuse and racially-tinged antagonism from the GOP while trying to negotiate for the benefit of all of us. If there is a Democrat who can stand in the way Bamz has against this torrent of bullshit and totally succeed in getting they want passed, I haven't seen one…maybe that hippy Jesus could…but that's about all.

        4. ButthurtWingers2012

          Oh and one more thing to wrap this up….Christopher Ruddy one of the wingnut daily ass goblins who continuously dredged up the worst attacks against Clinton has previously decided the Clinton era was actually really good for wingnuts policy-wise. If that doesn't give my fellow libtards pause when discussing the Clinton's supposed gravitas, I don't know what will.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            Eh, you know what? Let's see who else shows up in 2016.

            I'm pretty open-minded. But we don't have very much to go with at teh moment. Bamz needs to start grooming a protege, and well, Old Handsome Joe is pretty freaking old.

          2. Negropolis

            You know, not every thing has to be an essay with elipses. Just sayin', you know, for the future and such as.

  4. GunToting[Redacted]

    I heard when they did a CAT scan of Hillz' head they found Vince Foster's body in her frontal lobes!

  5. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Nobody in the world should ever start a sentence with the words "I'm not a doctor, but …"

    1. Rotundo_

      If we had a Bullshit-English translator I believe it would come out as " I am completely pulling this one out of my ass, but…". Both Bolton and West have done enough of this that there must be one hell of a vacuum built up in there.

    2. zippy_w_pinhead

      the good news is, in a few days he'll be able to start his sentences with "I'm not a Congressman, but…"

  6. calliecallie

    "I'm not a doctor, but…"

    We've heard this more than once lately, and it seems to me that anybody who prefaces their comment in this way should just shut the fuck up before they finish the sentence.

  7. Joshua Norton

    The State Department’s Victoria Nuland lashed out at Bolton for his remarks, labeling them “wild speculation based on no information.”

    If it wasn't for “wild speculation based on no information.”, Fox wouldn't even be on the air.

  8. SexySmurf

    In related news, Monica Lewinsky suffered a concussion after bumping her head on the bottom of Bill Clinton's desk.

  9. calliecallie

    I wonder if Faux News is thinking of giving Allen West his own show, a la La Palin? Maybe they could co-host. Between them they might have half a brain.

  10. EatsBabyDingos

    When Secretary of State helmets are outlawed, only outlaw Secretaries of State will wear helmets.

  11. prommie

    The dog ate her embassy security report. I know, I know, can you believe it? But its true. And her little brother tore up the threat assessment, what fucking bad luck, huh?

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I still don't understand exactly what it is they want for her to say – I suppose it will be whatever they need to prove that Barack was in cahoots with the AlQaeda's? I am still confused as to what the actual scandal is beside FOUR DEAD AMERICANS!! THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!! Or something.

      And also, because I am a sorta gross, i am trying to figure the logistics of the head injury. She totally hit her head on the side of the toilet didn't she? Just sorta pitched forward puking and bam! Concussed.

      1. prommie

        Fuck now I have a visual of Hilz passing out puking in the toilet. Kankles, jowls, vomit, giant eyebrows, lying in a pool of earnest, plodding, grinding, gotta-please-daddy overachieving mediocrity, ewwwww, damn thats not a pretty scene.

  12. Beach_Bubba_Tex

    So she couldn't just "shut it down"? I keep forgetting which female organs have special powers and which are inferior to white men.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Fresh from their victorious unskewing of the polls, Allen West and other soon-to-be ex-Representatives are busily unskewing the facts. And I'm sure they're studiously avoiding the State Department's report about the Benghazi incident since they don't want to be corrupted by the actual events and recommendations.

  14. noodlesalad

    In Hillary's defense, I'm in a job that often results in jet lag, and I pass out all the time, too. It might be the whiskey, but I'm pretty sure it's the travel.

    Never forget how the State Department stovepiped intelligence that led to a war and the deaths of 4000 Americans!

    1. corthylio

      I was thinking it sounded like a pub for pretentious losers- "let's go down to the Duck & Bear & have a craft brew, everyone!"

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    I thought she got that concussion when she was sacked by Clay Matthews last week at Soldier Field.

    1. Theywontlisten

      I heard it was a delayed reaction from bumping her head on a low hanging tree limb when she was moving Vince Foster's body in that park

  16. edgydrifter

    It's been said before and needs to be said again–you want to know how I know all the wingnut bullshit conspiracy theories about the New World Order, and re-education camps in the desert and Agenda 21 are total crap? Because Fox is still on the air and guys like Bolton and Kristol haven't mysteriously disappeared. Be careful what you wish for, neocon apocalypse fetishists, because by your own admission you're ones in the surveyor marks.

  17. TootsStansbury

    This Benghazi thing. So much moar evildoery than that whole "Terrorists determined to strike U.S." thing.

  18. Lascauxcaveman

    This is like being stuck at Christmas dinner until the end of time, your racist uncle sitting next to you regaling you with his edgy humor intermingled with conspiracy theories.

    Or, as the call it in the Fox News programming office, Thursday.

  19. arihaya

    Anyone saw Dick Morris lately?

    Me neither, which lead us to an unchallenged and solid conclusions : Hillary is kidnapping Dick Morris and torturing him in secret chamber to relieve her work stress and for the fun of it.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    Allen West: “I’m not a doctor, but it seems as though…

    …I could probably fix her concussion by firing an M-9 pistol next to her head."

  21. prommie

    Bolton is the one they pull out of their assholes (no hyperbolic figure of speech, he literally lives up inside the rectums of a rotating series of GOP bigwigs and muckty-mucks, Bill Cristol, mostly, though) to say the things so fucking revoltingly low down and shitty that they can't bring themselves to say themselves. Like Mikey, and the Life Cereal, "Hey, lets pull Bolton out of George Will's ass to fling this pooh, he'll say anything!"

  22. Lot_49

    Watched "Hyde Park on Hudson" the other day, and was reminded that people (including the filmmakers, apparently) used to hate Eleanor Roosevelt in the same vicious, unreasoning way they do Hillary. Don't know why.

    Save your $18, BTW.

  23. corthylio

    Benghazi = Americans dying because Congress wouldn't fund needed security upgrades. Any further questions?

  24. MissTaken

    There’s still a very countless amount of unanswered questions

    I have one! What the fuck does 'very countless' mean?

  25. Steverino247

    What really pisses me off about this Benghazi thing is the fact that we're even talking about it. Morons like Bolton and Issa are talking about stuff no one is supposed to know about!

    Morons: "Hey everybody! The CIA had this big compound in Benghazi and somebody told them to stand down and not protect the ambassador nearby!!!"

    Bad Guys around the world: "Hmmm. Better make sure there's no CIA operation in my area."

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    OT, but this just came in an email from the base:
    "In accordance with DOD Directive 1005.06 and beginning immediately, the flag of the United States shall be flown at half-staff in honor of Senator Daniel K. Inouye of Hawaii, President of Pro Tempore of the Senate. The flag shall be flown at half-staff from 20 December 2012 through his internment, sunset 23 December 2012. The flag shall be flown at half-staff on all DOD buildings, grounds, and naval vessels throughout the United States and abroad."

    We got one of these this past Monday for the shootings, too. Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking flags only halfway up these motherfucking staffs! This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, not the most horrible.

  27. sullivanst

    Hills should totes testify while still suffering the concussion, so she can actually tell the truth when she repeatedly whips out the Republicans' favorite answer to any and every question:

    I don't recall.

  28. actor212

    Co-host Greg Gutfeld went on to ask, “How can she get a concussion when she has been ducking everything [related to Benghazi]?”

    I dunno, Greg. How can you suck one more cock when you're filled to overflowing?

  29. StillGoinGreen

    Did Allen West pause, look directly into the camera, and demurely smile after dropping the "Bengazi Flu" line?

  30. oldswede

    If Hillary Clinton decides to run for President in 2016, the GOPpies will be ready. This slander is part of the preparation.

    1. Negropolis

      Ready? They've already done it. That's the good thing about her; she's so thoroughly vetted it's ridiculous. She'd be one of the most thoroughly vetted presidential candidates in recent memory.

  31. RedneckMuslin

    So when are they going to drag Geo Schultz's ass in front of congress to find out when and what he knew about the truck bombing in Lebanon that killed all those US Marines. Why do they let this Al Quadisist slide by?

  32. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    I'll buy it. The other day, since the choice was "poke sharp sticks in my eyes" or "read wingnut Why We Are Just Like Nazi Germany" sites, I discovered that these guys are absolutely stunningly creative consipiracy theorists/history revisionists. Hillary-concussion conspiracies are child's play.

    I'm now going to go refresh my collection of sharp sticks.

  33. Antispandex

    "What the hell kind of Rube Goldberg scheme is this supposed to be?"

    See, the wingnuts pull crap like this all of the time, which is why they suspect some kind of a lie or fraud everywhere they look. Plus, they have intellectual giants like Ms. Bachmann and Misters Bolton and West making this shit up so…

  34. LibertyLover

    Can't wait to hear about what they thought of Bush Sr. getting the stomach flu and throwing up on that Asian dude a few years back just so he could get outta testifying about Iran-Contra. Oh wait, he never did testify, did he?

  35. shelwood46

    I learned from my last boss (before I "retired" with a chronic illness) that no one's illness is real except one's own. Everybody else ever is faking it, even with a doctor's note, because that doctor is in on it.

  36. docterry6973

    I fell on a flight of stairs at Penn State in 1971, and we still haven't met about that problem with my Algebra final.

  37. mbobier

    There is "a very countless amount" of stupid amongst these WIngnuts, but you don't see me making a federal case of it.

  38. deliman4

    Fox news is a clown car inside another clown car,infinity, almost like one of those Russian nesting dolls!!

  39. Negropolis

    Wait, former First Lady of San Francisco Kimberly Guilfoyle? What the huh? Was she always a conservative or did the divorce turn her into one?

  40. Negropolis

    Wait, so the woman they accuse of doing in Vince Foster can't come up with a better conspiracy than a stomach-flu induced concussion? Really?

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