because 'florida'

Customer Stands Pizza Joint’s Ground

no avoiding the noidGuess where this was. No, guess! Did you guess? YAY you WIN because it was of course in Florida, the state that has decided to outsource the use of lethal force to its people (unless they are wearing hoodies, we assume).

Police said the incident unfolded about 4 p.m. inside [a] Little Caesars…after Randall White, 49, got mad about [the] service…This “prompted them to exchange words and it became a shoving match,” said police spokesman Mike Puetz.

White raised a fist. Jock, a concealed-weapons permit holder, pulled out a .38 Taurus Ultralight Special Revolver.

He fired one round, hitting White in the lower torso. The men grappled and the gun fired again, hitting White in roughly the same spot, police said.

How do you get a concealed carry permit in Florida, you might be wondering. Do they just give them out to any asshole? Yes, kind of, so long as the asshole is a US Citizen, has never been charged with felony, been arrested for drunk and disorderly, renounced his citizenship, or been caught beating his wife.

For the purposes of critical analysis, we can maybe compare the stringency of this background check to those required in Japan, where gun license applicants must pass a mental health exam and account for every round used at target practice or while hunting. And! You have to attend an all-day class, pass a written exam, pass an exam at a shooting range class, and pass a background check for criminal behavior AND association with criminal and extremist groups. When you finally get your new gun, you have to tell the police where in your home you’re keeping it, store it separately from the ammo, and take that safety class again in three years.

Also too, here is my favorite part of the Little Caesar’s shootout story:

After the shooting, both men went outside and waited for police.

Were they still fighting? Was the one guy — the one who was shot TWICE in the stomach — was he bleeding all over the place? Was it like when you’re a kid and you and your siblings are like WHEN MOM GETS HOME I’M GONNA TELL, or whatever? This is the part where we could have used more detail. Anyway, the police determined that “stand your ground” didn’t apply here, and arrested the shooter.

Which is sad, because shooting people who are yelling in pizza joints is exactly what the Tea Party Nation says you are supposed to do, to stop gun violence.

[Tampa Bay Times]

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
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    1. SorosBot

      At least it's better than the shit made at Domino's or Papa John's, and not owned by hate-filled wingnut bigots.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        The pizza is shite, but Illitch seems to be a stand up guy. Although a little nutty for willingly owning that many Detroit based sports teams.

        1. Negropolis

          But the Tigers and Red Wings are actually pretty good teams and valuable brands. Now, why the Ford family doesn't just fold the Lions organization is beyond me.

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, it seems that Stand Your Ground could have been invoked only if the guy was trying to cut in line.

  2. Callyson

    Florida's "stand your ground law" says people are not required to retreat before using deadly force.

    1. Oh, for fuck's sake.

    2. Every expert on self defense will tell you that the first thing to do is to back away from a confrontation before it escalates.


    1. YasserArraFeck

      Euro-faggy experts, maybe – not good red-blooded 'Murkin experts – they say "Bring it on!!"

    2. JustPixelz

      The duty to retreat was always part of self-defense. Until the NRA decided Americans needed more legal reasons to shoot each other. What the fuck that has to do with the Second Amendment is beyond me. (just kidding. it has nothing to do with the Constitution's big number 2.)

    1. sewollef

      Did they get their pizzas?

      Exactly. This is such a half-arsed story. How did it end? Did Randall get his pizza and was it Jock who served him [along with the lead surprise]? Did they make friends and share while waiting for the coppers?

      There is so much left to know. Damn.

  3. BlueStateLibel

    Next you libtards will be calling for a ban on pizza! (Seriously, fighting over shitty pizza…?)

    1. finallyhappy

      I would never fight over shitty pizza- now whole wheat thin crust with ripe pears and gorgonzola- yes, i would exchange a few sharp words about that

  4. Crank_Tango

    Papa John released a statement that he would have to pass along the cost of ammunition to restaurant patrons.

    1. BadKitty904

      *ahem* Speaking as a native, I like to think there are exceptions.

      And please bear in mind that our government has been corrupt and incompetent since 1565 – we have way more shit to deal with than most of y'all do.

          1. bikerlaureate

            I transplanted from the left coast eight years ago, but I tell you why the "many people" really fits. More than anywhere else I've been, in the South or Midwest or wherever, there's generally a more defiant pride in being a dick here in central FL.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        I try to tell people there are exceptions in Arizona, where I live, but they don't usually believe me.

        ¿Quién es más macho? ¿Rick Scott o Jan Brewer?

  5. hagajim

    And this is what the schools with guns would turn into. Little Johnny shooting little Billy because they got into a fight over who got to pull little Sally's hair.

  6. Blueb4sinrise

    So………..shove a Union guy and he hits you = Hitler
    shove a pizza customer and he shoots you = Jesus.

    1. mormos

      So………..shove a Union guy and he hits you = Hitler
      shove a pizza customer and he shoots you = Reagan


    2. chicken_thief

      Everyone knows Jesus gave us the "Stand your Ground" law in the 10 Commandments of the Constitution.

      Also, too, he loved him some S&W .357 action. No Euro pussy 9mm shit for Jeebs!

  7. weejee


    Mrs. weejee would like the Lame Stream to get on the alt text wagon. She said the Wonkette Editors have spoiled her forever, and ever amen, thus making the Lame Stream even more annoying that it would be otherwise. Waaaah, too, also.

    Hopefully, got that right or I'm in deep doo doo.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "weejee has not yet written a personal description."

      May I suggest an appropriate starting place?

    2. MissTaken

      I cannot tell you how many times I've hovered my little cursor over pics on MSNBC and felt that pang of disappointment at missing my little alt-text. This is why I assume Jim Newell runs the lamestream.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Well, if your avatar is anything like my avatar, it will let you know it's preference tonight, while you are asleep.

      1. HistoriCat

        I may have to go to Seattle for training sometime next year (possibly February) . If you have a get together while I am there, first round is on me.

  8. Grokenstein

    Gutshot! Gutshot! (Sorry, I couldn't help it and I am a horrible person.)

    "You have to attend an all-day class, pass a written exam, pass an exam at a shooting range class, and pass a background check for criminal behavior AND association with criminal and extremist groups."

    Well, that'll never work in America. They think Idaho militia is an extremist group!

    "When you finally get your new gun, you have to tell the police where in your home you’re keeping it, store it separately from the ammo"

    AW HELL NO. What if a Government Negro Squad comes in their Blah helicopters to take my daughter to a rapebortion death panel? This is why Japan's part of Communist Russia now! UAAVURURIIIIINUZU!!!

    1. SigDeFlyinMonky

      "It's colder than a gut-shot bitch wolf dog with nine sucking pups pulling a number-four trap up a hill in the dead of winter in the middle of a snowstorm with a mouthful of porcipine quills."

  9. noodlesalad

    If only we could have armed the cartoon caricature of Caesar, this could have been prevented. Et tu, Randall?

    1. finallyhappy

      I can help with that as I have a bottle of ativan- but I do not want to have to shove it in anyone's ass.

  10. Mumbletypeg

    My mind reflexively fills in the missing detail that these choads were blaring at each other each from his own respective hoverround, then motorized themselves out the door to wait for the police.
    ALthough a quick chase around the fast food joint on said wheels I wouldn't object to either, to make the comedic value of this story complete~

  11. prommie

    See, an armed society is a polite society! Hey, wait a minute, doesn't that slogan presume everyone will be polite because they are scared shitless that everyone around them is packing heat and will cap their ass if they get out of line? Kinda like how, white people who get lost on Martin Luther King Boulevard tend to be very very quiet and polite, and hardly ever get all racist, because, well, they are too busy shitting their pants? Hey, that does not sound like a pleasant way to live at all. Huh, who would think, that a conservative pro-gun slogan would really be so fucking god damned stupid as fuck?

    1. finallyhappy

      I shop places where I am often the only white person – frequently in places where everyone else is probably a first generation immigrant-except for the kids. I feel so much better there than in any Walmart ever. I have not been in a Walmart for some time but the ones along or right off of route 40 In Maryland and Delaware scared me. And the worse person in America today is that whiter than White piece of shit Huckabee

  12. glasspusher

    I dunno, the guy who was shot twice and then waited for police? Sounds like he's pretty badass.

    "You shot me, man, but I'm bleedin' cool…"

  13. edgydrifter

    Guns aren't the solution to the Little Ceasar's problem. Arson is the solution to the Little Ceasar's problem.

  14. edgydrifter

    Guns aren't the solution to the Little Ceasars problem. Arson is the solution to the Little Ceasars problem.

      1. not that Dewey

        …When you stagger down the street
        With a pool of blood at your feet, you're in Florida…

  15. christianmuslin

    This what guns are good for: why run the risk of a black eye or a broken bone when a couple of rounds to the stomach allows one to appear in public with no explaining to do to the boss, girlfriend or priest as to "what happened to you"?

  16. SorosBot

    Florida will issue concealed weapons permits to anyone who "has never been charged with felony, … or been caught beating his wife". Having those as two separate categories is rather disturbing, since shouldn't beating your wife be a fucking felony already?

  17. Antispandex

    "How do you get a concealed carry permit in Florida, you might be wondering. Do they just give them out to any asshole?"

    Well…when that's all you've got, who else are you going to give them to?

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    "In Japan blah blah blah gun safety blah."

    Yeah, but you can buy bad whiskey, airbrushed porn, and samurai swords out of vending machines on the street 24/7.

  19. Allmighty_Manos

    Getting shot in the stomach over a fight at a pizza restaurant. Some call it horrible, even stupid. I call it American exceptionalism.

  20. Lot_49

    Japan also registers swords, and will take you to jail for having unregistered one, even cheapie souvenir samurai swords. No kidding.

  21. Oblios_Cap

    from the story, it sounds like the gunman was the one doing hte shoving, waiting for a chance to shoot the guy. What an asshole.

  22. snowpointsecret

    This reminds me of that time, in my town, when someone didn't get their 99 cent taco order right at taco bell, the guy raged, ran his car through the entrance, and then drove to his home in my neighborhood. They found him by following a trail of leaking oil.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru, okay? They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru! They know you're gonna be miles away before you find out you got fucked! They know you're not gonna turn around and go back, they don't care.

  23. mormos

    My parents response to the Newtown shooting was to go out and buy handguns, then sign up for classes to get concealed carry permits, for safety.

    They also want to start training my 12 year old sister to use firearms. I've tried to fight this insanity for as long as I can, my own mother refers to me -humorously she thinks- as "that damn liberal." I don't know what to do anymore.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I hope that at least they buy your sister one of those Hello Kitty pink assault rifles. Only because they don't make a My Little Pony brand. Yet.

    2. PugglesRule

      I would say "Move to Wisconsin!" but we have concealed carry now too, which makes me really nervous. I prefer to know which morons (or cops, hopefully not commingled) are packing.

      1. Queer4Christ

        I grew up in Wis. I haven't lived there in 20 years, but I still love the place. What the fuck has happened there? 20 years ago if you would have told me that Scott Walker would be governor and his fascist policies would have the support they do, I would have laughed in your face!

      2. Queer4Christ

        One more thing… When did the Cheese-heads start considering jobs at Walmart, Cabelas, and Bass Pro Shop to be the jobs of the future? Talk about "Diminished Expectations!" Fucksakes! I can just hear the conversations around the dinner table:

        Son: "Pa, when I grow up I'm fixing to use my edjamacation and work for Walmart my whole life."

        Father: "Boy, you make yer mama/sister and me so proud a ya!"

  24. Loch_Nessosaur

    Concealed carry classes in Florida typically last a half day, lunch included. Shooting the guy next to you – optional but encouraged.

  25. BoroPrimorac

    Thanks assholes from Tallahassee, for passing stand your ground laws and turning daily life in Florida into a Quentin Tarantino flick. .

  26. HRH_Maddie

    THIS. This is why there shouldn't be concealed weapons, or weapons PERIOD. Some moron at a pizza place readies a fist and the other moron SHOOTS A BULLET. For fucks sake!!

    1. sewollef

      Hey Botlrokit, I've just been to your name sake – Bottle Rocket in Manhattan, round the corner from my office on West 19th St.

      Got me a nice Ramsay Pinot Noir and a Champagne for Christmas dinner.

  27. Mumbletypeg

    Bet *these* employees can't wait to volunscarily work the counter on Christmas Day, when absolutely NO ONE of the looney stripe will be out populating the fast food haunts at all, no sir

  28. sewollef

    Oh here we go, a fucking pizza story again.

    Can we have some ponies and fairies please… I'm putting on weight just reading these stories?

    Wait. Whaa…. the hell you say? Someone was shot while waiting for a Little Caesar's pizza? See, that's why I don't go to chain pizza joints. The crust is never right and you have to shoot someone. Anyone.

  29. PugglesRule

    Owning a gun should be made at least as difficult as adopting a newborn (correction, non-blah newborn). BT/DT etc. I often say that if people had to jump through as many hoops as adoptive parents do, the world's population would be 7 million instead of 7 billion. So I say make future gun owners have to deal with social workers, have background checks, have friends, relatives and employers write letters about what a great person they are, and especially have a SW come and inspect their home to make sure it is safe to own and keep a gun there. That in itself ends up being a waiting period of several months.

    Remember, guns don't kill people. But people who shouldn't be let near a gun end up killing a lot of people. Oh yeah, and $5 a bullet.

  30. rickmaci

    Guns don't kill Little Caesars pizza patrons, Little Caesars pizza kills Little Caesars pizza patrons.

  31. Allmighty_Manos

    If only the other guy had been armed. Then we would have had two guys shot in the stomach at a Little Caesars

    1. SorosBot

      And that stupid saying basically claims that, in an armed society, people will be extra-polite out of fear some stupid asshole will just shoot them if they get pissed off. That's not exactly the sort of society I, or any sane person, would want to live in, to say the least.

      1. Rebootably_Joe

        Honestly, living your life in constant terror of being murdered for saying the wrong thing or looking at someone the wrong way doesn't sound an awful lot like the "liberty" all those guns are supposed to be defending, either.

        1. SorosBot

          In fact, it kind of sounds like the opposite; but then, these are the people who think "tyranny" is having to pay taxes.

        2. Negropolis

          Unfortunately, that's how I live. I've seen folks throw trash out of their cars, and it's too risky to say anything though I'm screaming in sad. I've been thinking about this in the last year or two, and it really makes me sad. :(

  32. BaldarTFlagass

    "After the shooting, both men went outside and waited for police."

    Well, dude probably has a huge gut and the projectiles got lodged in the fat before reaching any vital organs.

  33. smashaduck

    Chris Rock was right. Tax bullets enough so that they cost 5k. No one could afford to Stand Their Fucking Ground.

    1. Rotundo_

      Bleed here often? If you say it was an accident, I'll throw in free cheesy bread? Do you want to fill out a customer satisfaction card? You can win a Wal-Mart gift card if you do. Your pizza is up now, asshole! I would imagine it was relatively cordial since he only shot the guy twice *in* the store, and didn't finish him off outside.

  34. Wadisay

    I have been to Florida. Some people there could have a clip emptied into their stomachs and still make it home for Three's Company reruns.

  35. DesertTed

    I would never take a gun to Little Caesars because if I had to eat that crap I'd want to shoot myself.

  36. Guppy

    Anyway, the police determined that “stand your ground” didn’t apply here, and arrested the shooter.

    If he's white, he'll be acquitted.

  37. ttommyunger

    Taking two in the Five-Zone and walking away from it? Now that's impressive. The rest of the story? Well shit, it IS Florida.

  38. drbill0620

    This is the truth – my sis and I went to a wake tonight. In the funeral home entrance – a framed sign – "By state law – food and beverages are not allowed in the funeral home."

    Looked at her and said 'yea, but you can bring a concealed weapon."

    "Sick," she said.

  39. docterry6973

    I think that millions of blah people in Florida should start lining up, every day, to request an application for a concealed carry permit. Just to fuck with those fine white citizens of that fine, fine state.

  40. fitley

    What are the odds of a hillbilly being armed buying shitty pizza and being a legal expert all at the same time? Wow.

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