STICK A BORK IN HIM HE'S DONE  4:30 pm December 19, 2012

Robert Bork Finds Out if God Is A Strict Constructionist

by Doktor Zoom

Whereabouts of Icelandic waif unknown at press timeRobert Bork, the partisan hack who finished carrying out Richard Nixon’s “Saturday Night Massacre” in 1973 (after two other men with actual character resigned rather than cooperate), helped to make the intellectually bankrupt notion of Constitutional “originalism” a staple of mainstream conservatism, and went on to fail to win confirmation to the Supreme Court, has died at the age of 85. According to leading experts, the 1987 Senate hearings on Bork’s confirmation marked the crucial point at which modern American political discourse began to irreversibly go into the shitter.

Always more useful to the Right as a symbol of victimhood at the hands of liberal perfidy than for actually accomplishing anything, Bork also made the mistake of writing down many of his opinions about what he believed to be the strict limits on government enshrined in the Constitution, and then stating those opinions during his confirmation hearing. This serious error in planning made it fairly easy for Democrats to whip up opposition to his views by directly quoting them, which helped usher in the modern era of nominating only ciphers like Clarence Goddamn Thomas, whose views are generally in line with the president’s, but not available for quotation or even discussion during confirmation hearings. Any public utterances by SCOTUS appointees must therefore be sifted for portents of judicial madness, such as how Sonia Sotomayor’s “wise Latina” remarks indicated her intent to cede all of Aztlan to Mexico and to enslave all white people.

Bork is also notable in these parts for having won Wonkette accolades for a 2005 letter to the Wall Street Journal in which he took issue with “activist bartenders:”

What counts in mixology is the “original understanding” of the martini’s essence by those who first consumed it. The essence remains unaltered but allows proportions to evolve as circumstances change. Mr. Felten’s “near-perfect martini” is the same in principle as the “original-understanding martini” and therefore its legitimate descendant. Such latter-day travesties as the chocolate martini and the raspberry martini, on the other hand, are the work of activist bartenders.

Then-editrix Ana Marie Cox said that the letter proved “that everyone is allowed at least one redeeming quality,” and we are inclined to agree that this may indeed have been it.

[Reuters]

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter and even on Tumblr. And if the name “Bork” makes YOU think of plastic fast-food eating utensils, Doktor Zoom is on Twitter, also, too.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 203 comments }

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I wonder what his thoughts were on the Tequila Sunrise.

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Mel Gibson was OK, but Goldie Hawn really sucked.

Jukesgrrl December 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Michelle Pfeiffer libel.

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Fuck me, you're right!

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 5:09 pm

just another lonely boy in town?

fawkedifiknow December 19, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Is this a sly reference to the most exquisite martini of all time, the "Gibson"?

Lascauxcaveman December 19, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Tequila Sunrises? I hope he would have the decency to to defer to Sotomayor on that one. (She's the Messican one, right?)

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 19, 2012 at 5:23 pm

He prefers "New Kid in Town" or "Lying Eyes."

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm

I wonder how it ever got this crazy.

viennawoods13 December 19, 2012 at 9:25 pm

I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 9:32 pm

That's it! Get out of my fuckin' cab!Srsly, I can play a mean Lyin' Eyes on my guitar, so don't fuck with me!

Loch_Nessosaur December 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm

According to leading experts, the 1987 Senate hearings on Bork’s confirmation marked the crucial point at which modern American political discourse began to irreversibly go into the shitter.

I remember that day.

ProgressiveInga December 19, 2012 at 4:53 pm

And it's been Groundhog Day ever since…..

carlgt1 December 19, 2012 at 8:51 pm

yeah, the shocking days when politicians were attacked due to their true insane stances; not just made up "Swift Boat" nonsense…..

Negropolis December 19, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Sounds to me like the days Democrats declared "Fuck it, we'll do it live."

Steverino247 December 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Too bad he didn't die on Saturday night.

Geminisunmars December 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm

A Saturday night in 1957.

DickWharfinger December 19, 2012 at 10:13 pm

I am sad that he could not gasp for a couple of more days to face whatever the Mayans have up their sleeve.

mmmmm

noodlesalad December 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Ah yes, the asshole who gave us the verb "Borked" or "To bork," which means "to slander a person by correctly representing the insane positions that person has taken." I hope he's drinking Appletinis in the 8th circle with Rehnquist.

Rebootably_Joe December 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm

You forgot the most critical clause, "…if that person is a Republican."

noodlesalad December 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Sorry, I thought the whole "insane" thing made it clear I was talking about the GOP, good catch.

SigDeFlyinMonky December 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Forsooth, vermouth!

corthylio December 19, 2012 at 5:21 pm

In vino veritas!

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I'm sure his funeral will be an understated affair. Except on Fox.

Loch_Nessosaur December 19, 2012 at 4:40 pm

The set will be draped in black crepe.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Robert Bor….excuse me, heroic Robert Bork, has just passed on to his great reward, leaving a legacy of blah of blah of blah of blah of blah of blah of blah

Negropolis December 19, 2012 at 11:25 pm

And Gretchen will be weeping like a widow.

HRH_Maddie December 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I hear they're bringing in professional mourners.

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Coal miners shipped in from Ohio at their own expense.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm

True patriots, even if Bork would frown on them deviating from using picks and shovels only, as god intended the help should work the mines.

elviouslyqueer December 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I'm pretty sure Fox's coverage will go something like this.

smokefilledroommate December 19, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Borkyongyang: Weep or die!

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm

The Swedish Chef is inconsolable right now

corthylio December 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

He'll be okay after he's had a little extra surströmming.

Callyson December 19, 2012 at 4:37 pm

the 1987 Senate hearings on Bork’s confirmation marked the crucial point at which modern American political discourse began to irreversibly go into the shitter.

What, no hate for "segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever"?

ETA: that said, yeah, Bork definitely helped to make things take a turn for the worse…

Doktor Zoom December 19, 2012 at 4:49 pm

The difference, I suppose, is that even after Wallace said that, members of both parties condemned it as the hateful idiocy it was, and there was no 24-hour network dedicated to giving it a positive spin.

Callyson December 19, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Ugh, I hadn't thought of that…(off to visit the local liquor store…)

Come here a minute December 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

As Noël Coward suggested, the ideal Supreme Court is made by filling it with legal minds and waving it in the general direction of Robert Bork.

OneYieldRegular December 19, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Just whisper "originalism" over the glass.

elviouslyqueer December 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Enjoy sucking cocks in hell, you motherfucker.*

*I have been waiting all DAY to say that.

subsum December 19, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Yeah. Bork him.

NellCote71 December 19, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Don't you mean Cox?

Jukesgrrl December 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Bork means derp in German.

HRH_Maddie December 19, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Incidentally, derp means Bork in English.

Antispandex December 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm

See, I thought they were talking about Bjork at first, and I'm like all, well, no wonder she was never on the Court, and then I'm like all, hey, wait a minute, that's not how you spell Bjork, and then I like Googled it and stuff….

HRH_Maddie December 19, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Oh, thank God. For a second I thought that headline said Bjork is dead.

Thurman Munster IV December 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm

It's certainly his swan song.

HRH_Maddie December 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Hey-o!

I<3Radio December 19, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I dropped a Sugarcube in my appletini.

Doktor Zoom December 19, 2012 at 4:40 pm

On one of the crucial issues of our day, many believed that Bork's strict originalism would lead him to like "Generation 1" ponies, but he eventually held that, as owners of the franchise, Hasbro was fully entitled to have Lauren Faust go ahead with the reboot.

Historians are expected to argue for years over the implications of Bork's last words, "[inaduble] … is best pony."

noodlesalad December 19, 2012 at 4:48 pm

He's a total Nightmare Moon guy.

Fare la Volpe December 19, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Borky likes Derpy.

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Rosebud?

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Probably Rarity, since she thinks her good luck in being born a unicorn makes her superior to everypony else.

Doktor Zoom December 19, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Confession: I originally typed "Rarity" precisely for that reason. She's like White Privilege Pony.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 19, 2012 at 5:46 pm

But can't you only get White Privileged Pony in a set with Ghetto Black Pony?

Doktor Zoom December 19, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Confound these affirmative action ponies.

elviouslyqueer December 19, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Rafalca?

Tommy1733 December 20, 2012 at 10:16 am

(distant voice calling across the foggy moors) "…Ra-fal-caaaa?"

snowpointsecret December 19, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Generation 1 ponies? What, like Ponyta or something?

Doktor Zoom December 19, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Just don't make Twilight Sparkle angry.

snowpointsecret December 19, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I guess you could say Twilight Sparkle was borked.

Tommmcatt_Again December 19, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I missed this whole pony thing, you know. I have no idea what they are from or why you guys worship and fap to them.

It's because I'm old, right?

Doktor Zoom December 19, 2012 at 10:51 pm

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/subcultures/my-litt

A brief explainer (ignore the lame video. These people use record-scratch sound effects to suggest a sudden interruption or "WTF?" This is not funny, and should not be tolerated)

BerkeleyBear December 19, 2012 at 11:05 pm

I am now more deeply disturbed than ever by this meme. And I liked Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends and thought the artwork in Powerpuff was interesting.

Tommmcatt_Again December 19, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Oh! Thanks Doc! Now I get it! It's like being a furry without the sex and drugs!

Tommy1733 December 20, 2012 at 10:14 am

Never too old to fap.

HRH_Maddie December 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Bork: the other white meat.

An_Outhouse December 19, 2012 at 7:11 pm

bjork is the other white meat.

Rebootably_Joe December 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

And the republican whiny pissy-pants backlash led them to use the filibuster as a weapon for the next 30 years and counting, and also got us justices Thomas and Alito, because God forbid another right-wing adherent to a fringe legal theory ever be challenged by the logical application of said ideas to actual jurisprudential precedent.

On the other hand, Bork himself would have undoubtedly unravelled as much of the 20th century as he possibly could, had he gained the bench. We know this, because he kept on fucking saying as much, loudly, and repeatedly, to anyone who would listen, until yesterday. Not that we can actually hold his views against him!!!

I dunno, kinda lose-lose all around, in retrospect.

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Considering that Roe v Wade would have been overturned in Planned Parenthood v Casey back in 1992 had Bork been in the court instead of Kennedy, I'd say that's a win; and giving in on Bork would not have somehow made it easier to block the later crazies.

Rebootably_Joe December 20, 2012 at 9:53 am

Kennedy's been killing Roe by a thousand cuts for nearly half that time, though, and having the consequences of Bork's ideology out in the open for everyone to see might well have been the only vaccination for the subsequent Borklets.

I'm not saying it's a certainty, and I'm definitely not saying we didn't make the best decision we possibly could have at the time, but it does seem like a more complicated retrospective than I'd personally have liked.

Veritas78 December 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Oh thank goodness—I needed a "feel-good" story to finish off the week.

HRH_Maddie December 19, 2012 at 4:42 pm

This is a tasty morsel, and I'll take it. But I keep waiting for the "Cheney Dies" headline.

frostbitefalls December 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm

The undead don't die.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 19, 2012 at 5:47 pm

That which is dead can never die.

TavariousChinaSmith December 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm

You realize of course that that could never happen.

HistoriCat December 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

And yet far more likely than the much more satisfying "Cheney trial opens at The Hague" headline.

CrunchyKnee December 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I'm pretty sure Cheney died a long time ago.

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 4:52 pm

"…Head on Pike to Make Whistle-Stop Tour of Nation."

HRH_Maddie December 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Talk about feel good. Is it too much to ask?

SigDeFlyinMonky December 19, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I prefer hanging the body in chains from a bridge until the ravens pick it clean then throwing the bones in a lime pit.

CheneysOldHeart December 19, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Me too! I have been super mad at him ever since he tossed me away like a bad piece of meat. I will have my revenge!

Come here a minute December 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm

It's only Wednesday, but if you insist. *sound of ice cubes clinking*

Veritas78 December 19, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Oh shit. Well, it must be Friday somewhere…. sigh…

HRH_Maddie December 19, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Australia. I've never been good with timezones, but Australia sounds right,

LesBontemps December 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Well, in other feel-good news, Andrew Breitbart is still dead, also too. ♫♪♪♫♫♪♫♪

MLHencken December 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm

The earth has been unBorked.

Apologies.

valthemus December 19, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Robert Bork is gone. Obama is Time's Person of the Year. It's a bad day in Wingnutistan.

PopeEdgardo December 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Yes, let's all spend the next 1/1000th of a second feeling their pain.

valthemus December 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Oh, stop. You'll make me laugh. And that would just be tres tacky.

(TeeHee)

GeorgiaBurning December 19, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Nah- in their twisted way it's redemption. When you revel in being a victim it's hard to lose.

Not_So_Much December 19, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Well, he may have been a complete asshole. But you have to acknowledge the fashion risks he was willing to take in the facial hair department.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 5:04 pm

a neckbeard ahead of his time?

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 5:34 pm

You must admit — he rocked it on the old Batman TV series.

orygoon December 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm

A long while back, I taught American history to college freshmen, and I always was flummoxed when I went over my notes on the Saturday Night Massacre. I even watched a lot of the Watergate hearings as a youngun, but it still defies–everything– that guy was such a terrible bastard. And this morning on NPR they played some confusing old interview where Bork was saying HOW MUCH he wanted Watergate investigated. I don't know if that in itself is enough to send a man to hell, but it ain't gonna impress Saint Pete.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 19, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Yeah, I heard that. I had to translate for my daughter: "Wanting the investigation to proceed" is not the same as "Wanting the truth to be told."

malsperanza December 19, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Dan Inouye is waving a cheerful buh-bye as Bork goes down and Dan floats up to the special heaven that awaits war heroes and Watergate investigators.
http://nbcpolitics.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/12/17/1

frostbitefalls December 19, 2012 at 4:45 pm

As soon as he is credited with the requisite three miracles, Pope Ratziger will elevate him to sainthood.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I heard two were card tricks…

An_Outhouse December 19, 2012 at 7:14 pm

the third is that he lived so long.

Joshua Norton December 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Clarence Darrow said it best:

“I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

elviouslyqueer December 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

"They say you shouldn't say nothin' about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good!"

–Moms Mabley

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 4:46 pm

"the 1987 Senate hearings on Bork’s confirmation marked the crucial point at which modern American political discourse began to irreversibly go into the shitter."

He didn't really die. He got into his time machine and went back to the 18th century, and was quoted as saying "My work here is finished!"

HouseOfTheBlueLights December 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm

So if Bork had gotten confirmed to SCOTUS, Obama would now have an opening. Damn.

ProgressiveInga December 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm

But the 13th Amendment would have been repealed during bork's first term, so….

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 19, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Plus Bork would have found the Democratic Party unconstitutional in Bush v. Gore.

Negropolis December 19, 2012 at 11:32 pm

And we'd have a Republican Senate since he'd have repealed the direct election of Senators.

OurHoboSenator December 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Take THAT, libtards!!!1!!one!!!

Thurman Munster IV December 19, 2012 at 4:47 pm

On the other hand, Obama would had a chance to pack the court with another wise jewess or Latina or heaven forbid a person of the gay persuasion.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

How fabulous can you look in one of those robes?

fatbob54 December 19, 2012 at 5:18 pm

I vote for Jewish Latina lesbian!

Geminisunmars December 19, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I think Freida Kahlo is dead.

ProgressiveInga December 19, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Oy vey, que mas!

Negropolis December 19, 2012 at 11:33 pm

You know, everybody's saying it, but we probably have all of those on the court and more than one of those in the same persons…

Thurman Munster IV December 21, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Clarence Thomas?

nounverb911 December 19, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I hope St Peter borks Bork at the Pearly gates.

weejee December 19, 2012 at 4:50 pm

If he had won nomination B. Barry Bamz would be replacing the seat held by swing voter Kennedy. Can maybe Scalia take a hint? Not likely, Aunt-tony the Tiger will likely live longer that Methuselah.

Lascauxcaveman December 19, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Not a real huge fan of Kennedy, but I think Bork would have done more damage than Kennedy could even dream about in the long time he's been there.

weejee December 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Agreed. Hopefully, Barry is not done by half with his two-term SCOTUS appointments.

mavenmaven December 19, 2012 at 4:50 pm

The swan dress was totally cool.

Loch_Nessosaur December 19, 2012 at 4:50 pm

As bad as Bork was, Nixon was so corrupt and reprehensible that Bork wasn't even the worst or most dangerous person to come out of the Nixon administration. That award will probably go to Roger Ailes, President, Fox News Corp.

mycofiend December 19, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Ah, Cheney.

I<3Radio December 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Yes.

Rotundo_ December 19, 2012 at 6:00 pm

There were so many corrupt little toadies working for Biggus Dickus that Bork wouldn't even make the top five, maybe even ten. Roger definitely is a must-mention though.

edgydrifter December 19, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Bork was Bolton in a black robe. Fuck him all the way to oblivion.

I<3Radio December 19, 2012 at 5:15 pm

You know who else had creepy facial hair?

snowpointsecret December 19, 2012 at 5:18 pm

John Bolton?

Geminisunmars December 19, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Ted Nugent?

Negropolis December 19, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Prince?

jethrotoll December 20, 2012 at 12:16 am

C. Everett Coop?

Wadisay December 19, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Has Jennifer Rubin blamed Obama for Bork's death yet?

I<3Radio December 19, 2012 at 5:16 pm

No, but Palin was discussing SCOTUS and "originalism" on Innanity.

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Who?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 19, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Some Grifter. Possibly from Russia.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 4:52 pm

About fucking time. My protest worked! God might not listen but the Editrix does!

Edit: Not to take anything away from the Good Doktor

SaintRond December 19, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Bork arrived in Hell at 7:46 this morning, taking his place in the 8th Circle (the Circle of Shit), next to Torquemada, to begin his eternal punishment. The end.

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 4:59 pm

And that was just for wearing a shitty beard.

SaintRond December 19, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I hated that shitty beard. I hope it gets cremated.

Antispandex December 19, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I agree. Not making it as an ultra-conservative Court member, may be his single greatest success. Look how many have suceeded at making it to the exclusive club, from which you can never be removed, and then been injected with the zombie drugs! It's like the Hotel California, but for ideologues!

DahBoner December 19, 2012 at 4:54 pm

But "originalism" was just a THEORY.

What the hell did he actually do in his life besides judging people PROHIBITED BY THE BIBLE and making up crazy shit in his classes and stink tanks?

I got nothing…

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Robert Bork — a man who considered it his personal mission to bring the logic, order and restraint of Biblical fundamentalism to the interpretation of the Constitution. I would've said long may he rot, but in honor of his humorous comments on the martini, I'll amend that to wish he be preserved in a barrel of gin. Not the good gin, mind you — the Bowman's Virginia Gin (I shit you not). Even better, it comes in a large shatterproof bottle.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Cotton gin?

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 5:16 pm

No — nothing good comes out of Bowman's Virginia Gin.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Not even a good hangover?

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Worse than a cheap champagne hangover — one of those where your head feels like a cinderblock and your teeth are like old sandpaper and your skin is a dry gray parchment and you spend the morning contemplating what it feels like to be dead.

Doktor Zoom December 19, 2012 at 5:13 pm

whoops, replied in main thread. Damn "work" computer.

docterry6973 December 19, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Shatterproof bottle? What's the point of that? If I can't bust the bottle then I need to buy a gun.

Rotundo_ December 19, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Is it a squeeze bottle so you can use it suppository style for a quick intense buzz?

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 6:46 pm

On the other hand, if you're too drunk to get the bottle off the shelf it just bounces around harmlessly on the kitchen floor with the limes.

Doktor Zoom December 19, 2012 at 5:00 pm

to bring the logic, order and restraint of Biblical fundamentalism to the interpretation of the Constitution.

Oh, that's EXCELLENT. I plan to steal this.

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 5:05 pm

You're welcome to them — my words belong to the people.

elviouslyqueer December 19, 2012 at 5:10 pm

SOCIALIZMZ!

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 5:00 pm

In more good news, like Bork Andrew Breitbart is still dead.

LesBontemps December 19, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Hey, I just said that up there! But I was whistling a happy tune, too.

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 5:15 pm

You just said that up there 11 minutes ago, while at the moment this is 15 minutes ago- so ha ha, I win! :P

Pat_Pending December 19, 2012 at 5:00 pm

"Fleer de floorn de fishy-fishy. Fleer di floorn de Boom-Boom…" Thank you for that image!

sewollef December 19, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Is that image the pizza 'chef' from two stories down, by any chance?

Estproph December 19, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Bork was a dork. Stick a fork in that pork.

OK, I'll stop now.

I<3Radio December 19, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Cork it!

TribecaMike December 19, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Now all he needs is some mezcal to go with those worms.

snowpointsecret December 19, 2012 at 5:12 pm

According to leading experts, the 1987 Senate hearings on Bork’s confirmation marked the crucial point at which modern American political discourse began to irreversibly go into the shitter.

1987? That explains why I had no idea who he was.

ProgressiveInga December 19, 2012 at 5:28 pm

You should. Borkdom is what the current group of retro-tea-party-ers believe America should be. To quote Senator Kennedy at the time of the bork confirmation hearings:

“Robert Bork’s America is a land in which women would be forced into back-alley abortions, blacks would sit at segregated lunch counters, rogue police could break down citizens’ doors in midnight raids, schoolchildren could not be taught about evolution, [and] writers and artists would be censored at the whim of government.”

Geminisunmars December 19, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I don't like to make comments on peoples' appearances, but I don't mind saying that that guy was one ugly fucking motherfucker, on the inside.

elviouslyqueer December 19, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Now darling, all you need is a simple "Bless his heart," whereupon you can commence to ripping the old hirsute pigfucker.

Geminisunmars December 19, 2012 at 5:32 pm

“Bless his heart” doesn't work for unadulterated evil. Which is why you can't say “Bless his heart” about Cheney. Or maybe there is some other reason…

BelleSC December 20, 2012 at 6:22 am

That is *one* good thing about living in the South. "Bless his heart he couldn't help being ugly as a turd worm but he could have stayed home."

TootsStansbury December 19, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Bork! Bork! Bork! Heehee. Sorry.

LesBontemps December 19, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Bork was a devotee of the lemon peel and rejected olive anything in a martini.

Aridzona December 19, 2012 at 5:32 pm

This isn't about that goofy girl from Iceland who can't sing? Bummer.

keepwalkin December 19, 2012 at 5:35 pm

I think more likely is Bork finds out if Beelzebub has thorns in his cock which he'll be sucking from now uhhhhhhhhh……on!!

I<3Radio December 19, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Bottom of the thread. I have no original snark to offer.

jolpaj December 19, 2012 at 5:43 pm

I assume he was eaten by his beard?

Doktor Zoom December 19, 2012 at 5:44 pm

No one has asked her.

jolpaj December 19, 2012 at 5:46 pm

snap

Barrelhse December 19, 2012 at 5:53 pm

See? It's true. Only the good die young.

Barrelhse December 19, 2012 at 5:56 pm

The tennis world will never be the same.

Nostrildamus December 19, 2012 at 6:18 pm

That's the other guy with a wooden racket.

chascates December 19, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Whereas Bork was a wooden guy with a rightwing racket.

Negropolis December 19, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Yes, that was the snark, Nostril.

rickmaci December 19, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Thank god there is one less righty asshat spewing wingshit.

chascates December 19, 2012 at 6:27 pm

What the hell is keeping 'Nino' Scalia alive?

Barrelhse December 19, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Not MY prayers, that's for sure.

Tommmcatt_Again December 19, 2012 at 6:49 pm

He's broken his soul into pieces and hidden them throughout Wingnuttia, Pieces can be found in:

One of Limbaugh's sub-folds
The jar that houses Ann Coulter's old testicles
Michael Savage's "brain" pan
K-Lo's battery-operated crucifix
The Emmy that Kelsey Grammar will never get

If ai could just find the last piece we could end this horror forever.

ProgressiveInga December 19, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I believe it is laying right next to Obummer's college transcripts….

Wile E. Quixote December 19, 2012 at 7:11 pm

The fact that he has managed so far to avoid being exposed to direct sunlight or having a wooden stake driven through his heart and then being buried at a crossroads at midnight with his mouth stuffed with garlic and his head cut off and stuffed behind his knees.

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Not so much alive as undead; and it's the same mix of pure hate and bile with the blood of the innocent that keeps the shambling corpse of Dick Cheney animated.

Negropolis December 19, 2012 at 11:38 pm

A mixture of bald eagle essence, childrens' tears, and victory gin.

ttommyunger December 19, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I honestly believe this asshat will be most remembered for his innovative use of a Merkin as a beard toupee.

malsperanza December 19, 2012 at 8:01 pm

He has been Assimilated.

Negropolis December 19, 2012 at 11:39 pm

After all, resistence is futile.

Guppy December 19, 2012 at 8:25 pm

everyone is allowed at least one redeeming quality

Gin truly brings us all together.

GeneralLerong December 19, 2012 at 8:34 pm

WIN by Jeff Toobin:

Robert Bork, who died Wednesday, was an unrepentant reactionary who was on the wrong side of every major legal controversy of the twentieth century. The fifty-eight senators who voted against Bork for confirmation to the Supreme Court in 1987 honored themselves, and the Constitution. In the subsequent quarter-century, Bork devoted himself to proving that his critics were right about him all along.

viennawoods13 December 19, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Speakin of beards… check out the face fungus on the guy sitting behind him.

proudgrampa December 19, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Well, I will raise a Sapphire martini tonite. He did get that right!

Misty Malarky December 19, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I must agree with Bork: chocolate martinis and their ilk are pure undiluted crap.

TribecaMike December 19, 2012 at 9:58 pm

The New Yorker mazagine has a pithy Nobel Oscar-deserving piece on Bork today… http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/20

MilwaukeeKent December 20, 2012 at 12:57 am

H. L. Mencken on William Jennings Bryan, Hunter S. Thompson on Richard Nixon, now Toobin on Bork, the scathingly accurate obituary is a thing of rare beauty. Well done!

viennawoods13 December 20, 2012 at 6:18 am

And let us never forget- that guy (what was his name?) who lost the election last month would have let this man select Supreme Court nominees.

Negropolis December 19, 2012 at 11:14 pm

You know, Wonkette creates some excellent titles, and this one definitely has to be up there.

SnarkoMarx December 20, 2012 at 11:06 am

I understand Bindy is inconsolable.

viennawoods13 December 19, 2012 at 9:37 pm

S'okay… I confess that "Heartache Tonight" is one of those songs I crank up and sing along with.

Tommmcatt_Again December 19, 2012 at 11:27 pm

So, Tuesday, then.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: