THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE YOU AWAY  12:30 pm December 19, 2012

Prison Planet ‘Baffled’ By Stupid Citizens Turning In Their Guns After Newtown

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Ted NugentThe not at all paranoid fellows at Prison Planet, previously known for very sane examinations of how Barack Obama is personally chopping up aborted babies for fun and profit, and also lots and lots of stuff about FEMA Camps, have a heartwarming holiday story about people willingly turning in their guns after the Newtown massacre. Wait, did we say “heartwarming”? We meant “baffling.”

What’s particularly baffling about the willingness for law abiding people to relinquish their firearms is the fact that they are ensuring they will be defenseless in their own homes right before Christmas when criminals and burglars are more prone to strike.

Got that, Americans who have decided that in fact having a gun in the home might not be the best way to attain personal safety or be a positive for society at large? You are a fool. A FOOL! Because now you will be robbed and murdered, because “Christmastime.”

This is actually one of the least insane Prison Planet stories we have ever read, since it just warns of robbers and grandma-rapers instead of insisting that the reason you need to keep yourself tactically armed is so’s you can overthrow the government, like a boss, or take on the heathen Chinee, Red Dawn-styley.

[PrisonPlanet, via Wonket superoperative "chascates"]

 
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{ 188 comments }

snowpointsecret December 19, 2012 at 12:31 pm

BREAKING: Some people are apparently still smart enough to use logic. More at 11.

JustPixelz December 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

your news goes up to 11.

SuspectedDemocrat December 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I find this particularly baffling.

iburl December 19, 2012 at 12:32 pm

My God, what a fool i've been, enjoying Christmas all my life without a loaded semi-automatic machine gun with a banana clip pointed at the front door.

MissTaken December 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Get your fucking hands up, Santa!

JustPixelz December 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

HA HA very funny. As if you need shout a warning when you're standing your ground. And God won't help Santa because of gay marriage.

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

If Santa was real, how many houses would he make it to in the US before some paranoid gun nut blew him away?

MissTaken December 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Santa isn't real? What?

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

No, he's just as real as the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Jesus!

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Let's see that bitch come down my chimney now!

weejee December 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Just set tripwired Claymores (DoD mfr. IED). That way you don't have to get up and the red stains here and there will fit with the traditional holiday theme.

notgross December 19, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Front door? You don't have a Luger in your loo?

SuspectedDemocrat December 19, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Right next to the bidet!

Be careful which one you grab.

SuspectedDemocrat December 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

You'll shoot your eye out, kid!

PopeEdgardo December 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

My brother-in-law keeps a gun on all three floors of his house. Because, you know, they might get a really long ladder and come in through the attic window.

SigDeFlyinMonky December 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Lindbergh baby kidnapper LIBEL!

Southern Beale December 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

You’re never truly free unless you’re wearing a bullet-proof vest and pair of Depends, loaded weapons at the ready in case those “carolers” (wink wink) are really out to STEAL YOUR SHIT. That, my friends, is Freedom!

Also, shooting people for stealing your shit? It’s like a video game, only better!

Swampgas_Man December 19, 2012 at 3:57 pm

O, like Saint Nick ain't packin' heat.

PuckStopsHere December 19, 2012 at 12:32 pm

There's one lady from whom we should be able to pry the goddamn thing from her cold dead fingers before too much longer.

OzoneTom December 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Is that Irene Ryan?

kittenbomb December 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Paul's Grandma?

TootsStansbury December 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Not dead enough.

La_Cieca December 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Wow, Sarah Palin is looking rough.

RedneckMuslin December 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Nancy Lanza?

smokefilledroommate December 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

"Imma bake you some cookies, hon. Or I can blow your head off."

Oblios_Cap December 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

The caption says it's Ted Nugent. I believe that.

SuspectedDemocrat December 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Lindsey Lohan? Doesn't that violate the terms of her parole?

SigDeFlyinMonky December 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Phyllis Schlafly?

Beowoof December 19, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Alex Jones is always known for calm and thoughtful insight.

jakegittes December 19, 2012 at 3:02 pm

And makin' big bucks peddling hate and paranoia. Herbal Survival Kits available now for $149.99.

nounverb911 December 19, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Is there intelligent life on "Prison Planet"?

ChillBill December 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

No.

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Yes, but they keep it locked away behind the fucking morons that run it.

Texan_Bulldog December 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Probably more intelligent life on Animal Planet & that includes all those guys that wrassle varmints.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I liked Pizza Planet in Toy Story better…

PopeEdgardo December 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

About the same average IQ as on Kolob would be my guess.

Edith_Prickly December 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Trick question. I doubt any of them can even spell it, so no.

johnnyzhivago December 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Christmas is the time of year everyone worries about a gang of home invaders all armed with assault weapons storming your house in the middle of the night.

If you don't have at least 2-3 machine guns for every family member you might as well just leave your doors open and put an Obama sign out in your yard.

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

What’s particularly baffling about the willingness for law abiding people to relinquish their firearms is the fact that they are ensuring they will be defenseless in their own homes right before Christmas when criminals and burglars are more prone to strike.

Because guns are soooooooooooooooo often used to prevent crimes….

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Or, you know, some people are not total paranoid racist fools like you guys.

nounverb911 December 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm

"Don't shoot your eye out".
–Ralphy's mom

SuspectedDemocrat December 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

"Don't shoot MY eye out!"
–Lanza's mom

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Ralphie's mom was hawt.

BlueMonkeh December 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Kryst on a cracker these fucking people.

I have just about goddamn had it here in red hell. Gun buying has gone through the roof here – in a metropolitan area of more than 500K people, because "SAFETY" and such. I'm now even more scared shitless to walk amongst my fellow duh-Merkuns.

eggsacklywright December 19, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Season's cretins!

Dudleydidwrong December 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Get a new Glock in
Your Christmas stockin'

Native_of_SL_UT December 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Some Jackass here in SLC was showing his buddy his piece at the Beans and Brew yesterday, dropped the fucking thing on the floor where it discharged.
Luckily nobody was hit,
Or shot back.

GlowneyHouse December 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

That's what Christ's birth has always been about, every since the first Xmas when Joseph asked the sheperds to lay down a 50 meter perimeter around the manger to deter incursions.

Blueb4sinrise December 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

And yet those Oriental Kings got through!!
Just goes to show…..uhhh……..something………

PopeEdgardo December 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

It's not the Orientals you have to worry about, it's the Kenyans and the other coloreds.

doloras December 19, 2012 at 5:53 pm

One of the Magi is traditionally depicted as a blah.

PopeEdgardo December 19, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Are you sure? In the cartoons Casper is always extremely white.

sewollef December 19, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Trip wire. You forgot the trip wire.

second_gen December 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Well, I did learn that both Holmes the Aurora shooter and Lanza the Newtown shooter had parents who knew something about a LIBORG or something or other from Prison Planet. Coincidence!? I THINK NOT!

SuspectedDemocrat December 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I have a Facebook friend who keeps reposting that even after being told it's a hoax, so it MUST be true!

american__mutt December 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Just heard a pro-gun caller on my favorite radio program, On Point. She defended her position by saying, "400 thousand Russians are hiding in the hills of North Carolina". She closed her argument with, "Do you know how many kids die from satanic ritual abuse?". The host was speechless.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Sounds like someone isn't taking their medication!

MissTaken December 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

To be fair, do you know how many kids die from satanic ritual abuse? Didn't think so!

Dudleydidwrong December 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

"400 thousand Russians are hiding in the hills of North Carolina."

I call bullshit because there are that many stills up thar in the hillz and those guys making white lightning know where every possum and pussy is at all times. Unless, of course, those 400,000 Russians are all running illegal distilleries. Is there a shortage of potatoes in North Carolina?

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

The mid-80s are calling, they want their brand of paranoid lunacy back.

Did she also warn against subliminal messages on heavy metal albums played backwards, and how playing Dungeons & Dragons leads to Satanism?

Pres.Beeblebrox December 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Not to mention the Rock and Roll. I heard from my non-existent Jehovah's Witness friend that KISS really means Knights In Satan's Service and Rush means Rulers Under Satan's Hell. The latter of which leads to the question, if Hell is down below, what is under Hell? Unless they're talking about a Dantean-type concentric Hell with different levels of punishment depending on your sin.

SuspectedDemocrat December 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

You mean like Satan's basement? Maybe that's where Satan's unemployed brother in law lives.

jello_mold December 19, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Huh. What does he say about AC/DC?

doloras December 19, 2012 at 5:56 pm

ANTICHRIST/DEVIL'S CHILD!!! Bisexuals, also too.

ProgressiveInga December 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Are they Russian models? 'Cause if they are, I'm going orienteering in the N. Carolina hills this Xmas!

jodyleek December 19, 2012 at 1:49 pm

If you have a real purty mouth, I would advise against it.

PopeEdgardo December 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

"400 thousand Russians are hiding in the hills of North Carolina". Probably from all the gun nuts in North Carolina.

nirrti_rachelle December 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

That's a Newtonian Law of Physics-worthy formula for radio talk show callers: "_____are hiding in ______" or "Do you know how many ____ die from ____?"

TheGyrus December 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

The Seattle Seahawks are hiding in my pants. Do you know how many spider monkeys die from diphtheria?

kyeshinka December 19, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Well, there are a few places in Russia worse than rural North Carolina.

BoroPrimorac December 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I was listening to NPR when that crazed woman called in. Her insanity completely derailed a caller from South Carolina who had some very progressive views on gun control.

hagajim December 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I knew that fat old bastard was stealing my beers! Ho ho ho mutha fucka!!!

Come here a minute December 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I had a couple left last night! WTF?!!

Fukui-sanYesOta December 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

From a comment on the linked article:

"The study is deeply flawed, having a gun will not make any impact on safety or health,"

"In short, explaining everything with statistics is not good science"

Yeah, statistics like

Lethal assaults were 2.7 times more likely to occur if a gun was present, suggesting that the idea of guns being used for protection is evidently mostly a myth.

snowpointsecret December 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Math they do as Republicans… Yeah, you all know the rest.

NellCote71 December 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

This campaign won't be dictated by fact checkers.'

johnnyzhivago December 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Question – should shopping mall Santa's carry concealed – or should they wear it on their belt?

Fukui-sanYesOta December 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

The elves should be replaced with Reaper drones.

Toomush_Infer December 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Oh, definitely, on the belt – a lovely, polished holster makes such a nice addition to that 4 inch wide black belt…Santa, baby…

Pres.Beeblebrox December 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

This is an OPEN CARRY country, motherfuckers!

PopeEdgardo December 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Hey, the libruls' war on Christmas is nothing to laguh about. Of COURSE they should be armed and have it on their belts for quick access.

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I'm sure most people turning in guns just figured they could get by as easily with ten guns as with eleven. Nevertheless it resembles rational thought, so — progress.

MissTaken December 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

ensuring they will be defenseless in their own homes right before Christmas when criminals and burglars are more prone to strike.

I like to place a little ceramic criminal burgling the manger on my mantle's Nativity scene. Helps me remember the reason for the season.

jodyleek December 19, 2012 at 1:53 pm

If your baby Jesus ain't packin' heat then he's just asking for it.

SuspectedDemocrat December 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I wonder if the NRA sells nativity scenes with chalk outlines?

Estproph December 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

We wish you a merry robbery
we wish you a merry robbery
we wish you a merry robbery
and a happy home invasion!

randcoolcatdaddy December 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

There's no time of year inappropriate for obsessing over a penis substitute at Prison Planet.

smokefilledroommate December 19, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Xmas is all about material shit and protectin' that shit, goddamn it!

StealthMuslin December 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Those meter readers aren't gonna shoot themselves, y'know!

elviouslyqueer December 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

With recent Black Friday gun sales hitting all time highs, the Obama Administration and Democrats have moved swiftly to exploit the wave of anti-gun rhetoric in the aftermath of the shooting to prepare draconian gun control legislation.

Um, it's not just Democrats, you fucking dumbass.

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 12:52 pm

And banning high-capacity clips isn't exactly draconian. Of course all the liberals are gonna catch hell when some innocent sportsman (another one of those euphemisms) is out hunting with his Mac-10 and is killed by a stampeding herd of deer because he didn't have enough ammo to stop them all.

BlueMonkeh December 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

those deer started it!

Dudleydidwrong December 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I still believe in the right to arm bears. It is in the constitootian, damn it!

bikerlaureate December 19, 2012 at 1:46 pm

That draconian gun control legislation has been in the works since Inauguration Day, and it'll be reversing this President's actual track record of expanding gun rights Any Day Now.

johnnyzhivago December 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

How many people are thinking of handing in all their guns to one of those "buy back" programs so they can get some bigger, newer guns.

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Wasn't the Prison Planet where Alien 3 took place? Damn that one sucked; and the way they just unceremoniously killed off Newt and Hicks off-screen was just awful.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I heard it sucked and have never watched it- thanks for reinforcing my conviction. I knew to stop at 2.

nirrti_rachelle December 19, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Even Ridley Scott said he'd rather imagine "Alien 3" never actually happened in-universe and it was just a product of some bad dream Ripley had while in hyper-sleep.

smellypossum December 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Alex Jones: turning paranoia into a profession. This assumes that his wingnut sponsors provide enough money for him to make a living being paranoid.

(I used to listen to Alex on the radio. He's entertaining for about 10 minutes.)

Lizzietish81 December 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t039p6xqutU

If someone's coming down your chimney,
you better load your gun and shoot to kill!

Toomush_Infer December 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Let nothing you dismay….

larrykat December 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

My guns r for fightin the Celestials.

SigDeFlyinMonky December 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Almond eyed celestials?

johnnyzhivago December 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Breaking news, which I have not seen anywhere except on HuffPost – buried inside – is that Nancy Lanza was petitioning the court to commit Adam to a psychiatric hospital and he was not happy with the idea.

slithytoves December 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Petitioning the court for commitment whilst teaching him to handle an assault weapon. Hmmm…. I haz cognitive dissonance.

JustPixelz December 19, 2012 at 12:44 pm

"Home Alone 9mm"
Mary and Joseph picked the wrong house

In theaters Dec 25. But you won't be. You'll be home guarding the tree, kept awake by coffee, adrenaline and amphetamines. Jesus can't save you.

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

"They said there was no room at the inn…"

Jus_Wonderin December 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"…the ox and lamb kept time…"

sullivanst December 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Wow, since they started pushing those ads suggesting hoarding stuff, the time it takes for stores to run out of the stuff that they're telling people to exhaust stores' stocks of has dropped from 3 hours to 2. I guess the ads are "working", or at least "lying".

mrpuma2u December 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

So jeebus is not the reason for the season, it's robbery, and robber killing with your AR-15 or AK. Good to know.

ManchuCandidate December 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Guns are the Linus blankets of Bitter US Amercia… except when you cuddle them too closely the safety might pop and then you're missing part of your ear (and hearing.)

PopeEdgardo December 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Happiness IS a warm gun.

MacRaith December 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

The only solution to this terrible problem, obviously, is to make it illegal for people not to have guns. Because of freedom.

bikerlaureate December 19, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Society will become more Polite.
The cause of the current dearth of Politeness is a lack of guns.

Nothing about this reasoning could possibly be flawed.

DahBoner December 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

you will be robbed and murdered, because “Christmastime.”

Ye Olde Christian Tradition. You've been EGG NOGGED…

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I'm building a moat around my house, just to be safe. It'll be stocked with alligators and piranha. Don't know how long my dogs will last, though.

Toomush_Infer December 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Using Capital One…?

GorzoTheMighty December 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Janie's got a gun

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Yet somehow, a teen girl shooting her (abusive? rapist?) daddy is, while more common / realistic than their "shooting the negro home invader" fantasies, probably not the form of self-defense that these assholes approve of.

But man, he had it comin'. The man was such a sleeze. He ain't never gonna be the same.

CrunchyKnee December 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Killing Chinre commies and home invaders all Red Dawny like a bau5! I think that will be the name of my new band.

Troubledog December 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

More FEAR OF TEH BROWNS PLEASE I'm not feeling scared yet

deanbooth December 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

…As visions of luger guns danced in their heads.

Dashboard Buddha December 19, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Fuck all…I'm tired of being broke. I'm going to start writing Gun Porn. My first novel…a man kills an intruder and is strangely excited by it. After that he can only get hard if he fantasizes how he defended his home from an intruder. Soon, he can't get off on just the thinking of it so he buys expensive consumer goods and leaves his doors unlocked. Then that's not enough. He starts going to bars where he talks to young toughs about a house that would be so easy to knock off.

DahBoner December 19, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Advertise in Guns And Ammo, and you're in the money….

Blueb4sinrise December 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

That sounds like a good story actually.

bikerlaureate December 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Judge, Jury, and Homeowner

shelwood46 December 19, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I think that was an episode of Criminal Minds.

imissopus December 19, 2012 at 2:36 pm

As someone who has written novels and attempted to publish them, I suggest you think of a more lucrative money-making scheme, like begging in a subway station.

Dashboard Buddha December 19, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Ahhh, but wait until you read the sex scenes. hot cha cha

HarryButtle December 19, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Dude, I think Charles Bronson already did that movie…

Rebootably_Joe December 19, 2012 at 12:51 pm

This is actually one of the least insane Prison Planet stories we have ever read, since it just warns of robbers and grandma-rapers instead of insisting that the reason you need to keep yourself tactically armed is so’s you can overthrow the government, like a boss, or take on the heathen Chinee, Red Dawn-styley.

Agreed. The idea that all of the n-words are coming to home invasion you and rape your white daughters to death is not only an especially pedestrian sort of paranoid delusion, it's been basically the mainstream NRA position for years.

See, these guys get it.

Lascauxcaveman December 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Personally, I do all my robbing and murdering around Christmastime. I know with everything else going on, it's kind of hectic and all, but I just get into the spirit this time of year.

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Though it's difficult to decide which of the gifts under the tree to steal, them bein' wrapped up and all.

DahBoner December 19, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I find the holidays too stressful. Much more relaxing to rob and murder in the summer, on vacation…

Toomush_Infer December 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I know where you've been hiding
I know what you have bought…
Just thought you'd see me packing
and shit your pants a lot…

gullywompr December 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Their coalition is collapsing from within. Seems that even some of their own are parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. They're toast.

LibrarianX December 19, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I live in a small town in NM where I assume that most of the residents are armed. I am not, but just let them assume the same of me.

not that Dewey December 19, 2012 at 12:58 pm

So do I. Believe me, they know that you're not. They can smell it.

LibrarianX December 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Also – I am very happy with the size of my penis.

smashedinhat December 19, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Dear Playboy letters: My penis is small. Please give me an AR 15 for ChristMaus. Thanx in advance.

criticaldragon December 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

The thing that's really baffling actually is Alex Jones and his Prison Planet.

Oblios_Cap December 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm

It's not that baffling. I'm sure that they're exchanging their guns for Claymores. The mines, not the blades.

Remember, make sure they face away from you!

not that Dewey December 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Gun Companies HATE This!

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:07 pm

…try this one little trick, discovered by a single mom…

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Maybe we should devote one post a week to riffing on the "around the web" ads? Are they confused that we're not clicking on them?

Chow Yun Flat December 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I don't bother with a locked and loaded Armalite for home defense anymore since I got my shipment of M18 Claymore mines.

Antispandex December 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

You had me at "FEMA camps".

gullywompr December 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:04 pm

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Then I STONE COLD SHOT THOSE BASTARDS.

THE END

Toomush_Infer December 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Down, Dancer, Down Vixen, Down Comet and Cupid, and Donner goes Blitzen..

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Donner Down!

viennawoods13 December 19, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Assume reindeer dead.

Mumbletypeg December 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

WAR ON CHRISTMASS WARRIORS!!1!

smellypossum December 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Slightly off topic:

This morning it occurred to me that reality has shifted and that we're in something akin to an marco- Aadams Family episode, where the odd and macabre is assumed by the family to be normal. Granny with the AR-15 up there in the photo reminded me again… we're hearing absurd ideas that some people actually think will address the mass killing problem the US has, and there's a chunk of the population that thinks this shit is normal.

When I hear ideas like "we should train children to gang rush the heavily armed mentally ill gunman, because why not… and don't take away my assault rifle. " Cue the laugh track. It's so absurd as to be an attempt at humor. Pathetic, not funny, and really just infuriating.

I really want to change the channel off this episode… People wouldn't actually suggest something as morally bankrupt as having children trained to do that sort of thing. Or having armed teachers in classrooms in an effort to balance with the people who want their 2nd amendment "rights" untouched. It's fucking nuts.

Goonemeritus December 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I am still way more scared of my wife then any potential house invader. Why the hell would I want to arm her, she is already mean as a snake without a gun.

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Do you keep the kitchen knives locked up, or do you just never sleep?

Goonemeritus December 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm

The best I can do is keep them sharp, there is nothing worse then being stabbed with a dull knife.

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

And in another disturbing shift towards reality-based reality, The Discovery Channel has suddenly made a feint towards sanity:

In addition to cancelling its popular “American Guns” reality show, The Discovery Channel confirmed to Raw Story on Tuesday that firearms enthusiast Ted Nugent will also not be returning to the channel in any form or fashion.

SuspectedDemocrat December 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

He did say he would be dead or in jail within a year. This may be where the depression kicks in, when he finds himself at home alone with all his guns.*

Umm… with votes?

*Not that I would wish this on anyone. Now I has a sad. My Christmas wish upon him is to live a long and irrelevant life.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Take a gander at the alt-text. Clearly, the years have not been kind to Ted. No wonder he's off the air.

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Ted's probably going to be the subject of a "Where Are They Now" segment on VH1 sometime in the next year or so.

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Come on now; VH1 like MTV before it stopped having shows about music over a decade ago.

Sir_Fartz_Alot December 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Xmas-time, the Reaping, coming to a theater near you

DixvilleCrotch December 19, 2012 at 1:14 pm

They came and took my slingshot, and now I'm wasting away in a FEMA camp. Avenge me!!!!

SuspectedDemocrat December 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

EAT LEAD, WASSAILERS!!!!

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Sad but true around here, there have been thieves following the UPS guy around and grabbing packages they've been leaving at houses where nobody's home. I'm home today with a wicked cold…time for some vigilante justice? "Stop, or I'll moisten you with my humidifier!"

Toomush_Infer December 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Nog the guy….

Dudleydidwrong December 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Shoot 'em all and let FedEx sort 'em out.

GeneralLerong December 19, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I know someone whose boxes of colostomy bags are delivered by UPS, because I see these boxes sitting by their mailbox upon occasion and rescue them. [UPS driver apparently doesn't like to climb the mountain of steps to their house]

Wouldn't that be a nice surprise it-fell-off-the-back-of-a-truck holiday gift?

ttommyunger December 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Oh yeah, we are definitely through the Looking Glass here, folks.

Tommy1733 December 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

If I hear any goddam "click-click-click" up MY housetop, I'm gonna be standing my ground.

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Christmas carolers should be armed, too.

docterry6973 December 19, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I don't even have a gun. I hope I am not robbed and murdered this Christmas.

Actually, if we abolish Christmas then our safety goes way up. War on Christmas!

smitallica December 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I've fucked a grandma before, and it was not all what CumGuzzlingGILFS.com had led me to expect.

ElPinche December 19, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Yeah, instead of squirters and big tit fucking, it was mostly urinary incontinence and hot flashes.

chascates December 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

WND: Train the Militia and halt the massacres
by Christopher Monckton of Brenchley

GeorgiaBurning December 19, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Bad enough to have the relatives over, arguing and knocking stuff down; without worrying about who'll grab the Glock. It scares the kids, and those chalk marks on the floor are hell to clean.

mavenmaven December 19, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Now the UN will take over Newtown…

Maman December 19, 2012 at 2:29 pm

You can be robbed and murdered because of Christmastime? Is this the war on Xmas they keep yammering about?

LibertyLover December 19, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Grandma got plowed down by a reindeer AK-47?

jolpaj December 19, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Note that the author does not regard burglars as criminals.

Disassembly December 19, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I loved this comment. Beware, it may sway you: "The shooting happened BECAUSE THE SCHOOL WAS IN A GUN FREE ZONE!!!!! Response by fluoridated dumbed-down gullible public? TURNING IN GUNS & HELPING TO MAKE ALL OF AMERICA A GUN FREE ZONE!!!!! Anyone spot a PROBLEM here?! These IDIOTS turning in their guns are worse then lemmings – as they should know better. America is dead."

jello_mold December 19, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Not to be smug or anything but I got all my robbing and home invasion done before Thanksgiving.

jello_mold December 19, 2012 at 3:54 pm

"I'll be home for Christmeth…"

ElPinche December 19, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I Wordled the text from that Prison Planet piece and all I got was "SHEEPLE. "

ElPinche December 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm

I know AJ. You can make his head bloat up x4 and make him turn beet red by pointing out that a bunch of middle aged paranoid douchebags with AR-15s will not stop a US military invasion. Diabetics with Bushmasters who can't run 22 minute mile to save their life are no match to MOABs and tactical nukes.

TribecaMike December 19, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Isn't that Granny from The Beverly Killbillies?

doloras December 19, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Well, everyone's the same colour as a ghost, which is why racists like killing so much.

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