Ted NugentThe not at all paranoid fellows at Prison Planet, previously known for very sane examinations of how Barack Obama is personally chopping up aborted babies for fun and profit, and also lots and lots of stuff about FEMA Camps, have a heartwarming holiday story about people willingly turning in their guns after the Newtown massacre. Wait, did we say “heartwarming”? We meant “baffling.”

What’s particularly baffling about the willingness for law abiding people to relinquish their firearms is the fact that they are ensuring they will be defenseless in their own homes right before Christmas when criminals and burglars are more prone to strike.

Got that, Americans who have decided that in fact having a gun in the home might not be the best way to attain personal safety or be a positive for society at large? You are a fool. A FOOL! Because now you will be robbed and murdered, because “Christmastime.”

This is actually one of the least insane Prison Planet stories we have ever read, since it just warns of robbers and grandma-rapers instead of insisting that the reason you need to keep yourself tactically armed is so’s you can overthrow the government, like a boss, or take on the heathen Chinee, Red Dawn-styley.

[PrisonPlanet, via Wonket superoperative “chascates”]

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  • snowpointsecret

    BREAKING: Some people are apparently still smart enough to use logic. More at 11.

    • JustPixelz

      your news goes up to 11.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I find this particularly baffling.

  • My God, what a fool i've been, enjoying Christmas all my life without a loaded semi-automatic machine gun with a banana clip pointed at the front door.

    • MissTaken

      Get your fucking hands up, Santa!

      • JustPixelz

        HA HA very funny. As if you need shout a warning when you're standing your ground. And God won't help Santa because of gay marriage.

      • SorosBot

        If Santa was real, how many houses would he make it to in the US before some paranoid gun nut blew him away?

        • MissTaken

          Santa isn't real? What?

          • SorosBot

            No, he's just as real as the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Jesus!

    • Let's see that bitch come down my chimney now!

    • Just set tripwired Claymores (DoD mfr. IED). That way you don't have to get up and the red stains here and there will fit with the traditional holiday theme.

    • notgross

      Front door? You don't have a Luger in your loo?

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Right next to the bidet!

        Be careful which one you grab.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      You'll shoot your eye out, kid!

    • PopeEdgardo

      My brother-in-law keeps a gun on all three floors of his house. Because, you know, they might get a really long ladder and come in through the attic window.

      • SigDeFlyinMonky

        Lindbergh baby kidnapper LIBEL!

    • You’re never truly free unless you’re wearing a bullet-proof vest and pair of Depends, loaded weapons at the ready in case those “carolers” (wink wink) are really out to STEAL YOUR SHIT. That, my friends, is Freedom!

      Also, shooting people for stealing your shit? It’s like a video game, only better!

    • Swampgas_Man

      O, like Saint Nick ain't packin' heat.

  • PuckStopsHere

    There's one lady from whom we should be able to pry the goddamn thing from her cold dead fingers before too much longer.

    • OzoneTom

      Is that Irene Ryan?

      • Paul's Grandma?

        • TootsStansbury

          Not dead enough.

      • Wow, Sarah Palin is looking rough.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Nancy Lanza?

    • "Imma bake you some cookies, hon. Or I can blow your head off."

      • Oblios_Cap

        The caption says it's Ted Nugent. I believe that.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Lindsey Lohan? Doesn't that violate the terms of her parole?

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      Phyllis Schlafly?

  • Beowoof

    Alex Jones is always known for calm and thoughtful insight.

    • jakegittes

      And makin' big bucks peddling hate and paranoia. Herbal Survival Kits available now for $149.99.

  • nounverb911

    Is there intelligent life on "Prison Planet"?

    • No.

    • Yes, but they keep it locked away behind the fucking morons that run it.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Probably more intelligent life on Animal Planet & that includes all those guys that wrassle varmints.

      • glasspusher

        I liked Pizza Planet in Toy Story better…

    • PopeEdgardo

      About the same average IQ as on Kolob would be my guess.

    • Edith_Prickly

      Trick question. I doubt any of them can even spell it, so no.

  • Christmas is the time of year everyone worries about a gang of home invaders all armed with assault weapons storming your house in the middle of the night.

    If you don't have at least 2-3 machine guns for every family member you might as well just leave your doors open and put an Obama sign out in your yard.

  • What’s particularly baffling about the willingness for law abiding people to relinquish their firearms is the fact that they are ensuring they will be defenseless in their own homes right before Christmas when criminals and burglars are more prone to strike.

    Because guns are soooooooooooooooo often used to prevent crimes….

  • SorosBot

    Or, you know, some people are not total paranoid racist fools like you guys.

  • nounverb911

    "Don't shoot your eye out".
    –Ralphy's mom

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      "Don't shoot MY eye out!"
      –Lanza's mom

    • glasspusher

      Ralphie's mom was hawt.

  • Kryst on a cracker these fucking people.

    I have just about goddamn had it here in red hell. Gun buying has gone through the roof here – in a metropolitan area of more than 500K people, because "SAFETY" and such. I'm now even more scared shitless to walk amongst my fellow duh-Merkuns.

    • eggsacklywright

      Season's cretins!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Get a new Glock in
      Your Christmas stockin'

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Some Jackass here in SLC was showing his buddy his piece at the Beans and Brew yesterday, dropped the fucking thing on the floor where it discharged.
      Luckily nobody was hit,
      Or shot back.

  • GlowneyHouse

    That's what Christ's birth has always been about, every since the first Xmas when Joseph asked the sheperds to lay down a 50 meter perimeter around the manger to deter incursions.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      And yet those Oriental Kings got through!!
      Just goes to show…..uhhh……..something………

      • PopeEdgardo

        It's not the Orientals you have to worry about, it's the Kenyans and the other coloreds.

        • One of the Magi is traditionally depicted as a blah.

          • PopeEdgardo

            Are you sure? In the cartoons Casper is always extremely white.

          • Well, everyone's the same colour as a ghost, which is why racists like killing so much.

    • sewollef

      Trip wire. You forgot the trip wire.

  • second_gen

    Well, I did learn that both Holmes the Aurora shooter and Lanza the Newtown shooter had parents who knew something about a LIBORG or something or other from Prison Planet. Coincidence!? I THINK NOT!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I have a Facebook friend who keeps reposting that even after being told it's a hoax, so it MUST be true!

  • Just heard a pro-gun caller on my favorite radio program, On Point. She defended her position by saying, "400 thousand Russians are hiding in the hills of North Carolina". She closed her argument with, "Do you know how many kids die from satanic ritual abuse?". The host was speechless.

    • glasspusher

      Sounds like someone isn't taking their medication!

    • MissTaken

      To be fair, do you know how many kids die from satanic ritual abuse? Didn't think so!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      "400 thousand Russians are hiding in the hills of North Carolina."

      I call bullshit because there are that many stills up thar in the hillz and those guys making white lightning know where every possum and pussy is at all times. Unless, of course, those 400,000 Russians are all running illegal distilleries. Is there a shortage of potatoes in North Carolina?

    • SorosBot

      The mid-80s are calling, they want their brand of paranoid lunacy back.

      Did she also warn against subliminal messages on heavy metal albums played backwards, and how playing Dungeons & Dragons leads to Satanism?

      • Not to mention the Rock and Roll. I heard from my non-existent Jehovah's Witness friend that KISS really means Knights In Satan's Service and Rush means Rulers Under Satan's Hell. The latter of which leads to the question, if Hell is down below, what is under Hell? Unless they're talking about a Dantean-type concentric Hell with different levels of punishment depending on your sin.

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          You mean like Satan's basement? Maybe that's where Satan's unemployed brother in law lives.

        • jello_mold

          Huh. What does he say about AC/DC?

          • ANTICHRIST/DEVIL'S CHILD!!! Bisexuals, also too.

    • ProgressiveInga

      Are they Russian models? 'Cause if they are, I'm going orienteering in the N. Carolina hills this Xmas!

      • jodyleek

        If you have a real purty mouth, I would advise against it.

    • PopeEdgardo

      "400 thousand Russians are hiding in the hills of North Carolina". Probably from all the gun nuts in North Carolina.

    • nirrti_rachelle

      That's a Newtonian Law of Physics-worthy formula for radio talk show callers: "_____are hiding in ______" or "Do you know how many ____ die from ____?"

      • TheGyrus

        The Seattle Seahawks are hiding in my pants. Do you know how many spider monkeys die from diphtheria?

    • kyeshinka

      Well, there are a few places in Russia worse than rural North Carolina.

    • BoroPrimorac

      I was listening to NPR when that crazed woman called in. Her insanity completely derailed a caller from South Carolina who had some very progressive views on gun control.

  • hagajim

    I knew that fat old bastard was stealing my beers! Ho ho ho mutha fucka!!!

    • Come here a minute

      Yeah, I'm pretty sure I had a couple left last night! WTF?!!

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    From a comment on the linked article:

    "The study is deeply flawed, having a gun will not make any impact on safety or health,"

    "In short, explaining everything with statistics is not good science"

    Yeah, statistics like

    Lethal assaults were 2.7 times more likely to occur if a gun was present, suggesting that the idea of guns being used for protection is evidently mostly a myth.

    • snowpointsecret

      Math they do as Republicans… Yeah, you all know the rest.

      • NellCote71

        This campaign won't be dictated by fact checkers.'

  • Question – should shopping mall Santa's carry concealed – or should they wear it on their belt?

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      The elves should be replaced with Reaper drones.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Oh, definitely, on the belt – a lovely, polished holster makes such a nice addition to that 4 inch wide black belt…Santa, baby…

    • This is an OPEN CARRY country, motherfuckers!

    • PopeEdgardo

      Hey, the libruls' war on Christmas is nothing to laguh about. Of COURSE they should be armed and have it on their belts for quick access.

  • I'm sure most people turning in guns just figured they could get by as easily with ten guns as with eleven. Nevertheless it resembles rational thought, so — progress.

  • MissTaken

    ensuring they will be defenseless in their own homes right before Christmas when criminals and burglars are more prone to strike.

    I like to place a little ceramic criminal burgling the manger on my mantle's Nativity scene. Helps me remember the reason for the season.

    • jodyleek

      If your baby Jesus ain't packin' heat then he's just asking for it.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I wonder if the NRA sells nativity scenes with chalk outlines?

  • Estproph

    We wish you a merry robbery
    we wish you a merry robbery
    we wish you a merry robbery
    and a happy home invasion!

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    There's no time of year inappropriate for obsessing over a penis substitute at Prison Planet.

  • Xmas is all about material shit and protectin' that shit, goddamn it!

  • StealthMuslin

    Those meter readers aren't gonna shoot themselves, y'know!

  • elviouslyqueer

    With recent Black Friday gun sales hitting all time highs, the Obama Administration and Democrats have moved swiftly to exploit the wave of anti-gun rhetoric in the aftermath of the shooting to prepare draconian gun control legislation.

    Um, it's not just Democrats, you fucking dumbass.

    • And banning high-capacity clips isn't exactly draconian. Of course all the liberals are gonna catch hell when some innocent sportsman (another one of those euphemisms) is out hunting with his Mac-10 and is killed by a stampeding herd of deer because he didn't have enough ammo to stop them all.

      • those deer started it!

      • Dudleydidwrong

        I still believe in the right to arm bears. It is in the constitootian, damn it!

    • bikerlaureate

      That draconian gun control legislation has been in the works since Inauguration Day, and it'll be reversing this President's actual track record of expanding gun rights Any Day Now.

  • How many people are thinking of handing in all their guns to one of those "buy back" programs so they can get some bigger, newer guns.

  • SorosBot

    Wasn't the Prison Planet where Alien 3 took place? Damn that one sucked; and the way they just unceremoniously killed off Newt and Hicks off-screen was just awful.

    • glasspusher

      I heard it sucked and have never watched it- thanks for reinforcing my conviction. I knew to stop at 2.

      • nirrti_rachelle

        Even Ridley Scott said he'd rather imagine "Alien 3" never actually happened in-universe and it was just a product of some bad dream Ripley had while in hyper-sleep.

  • smellypossum

    Alex Jones: turning paranoia into a profession. This assumes that his wingnut sponsors provide enough money for him to make a living being paranoid.

    (I used to listen to Alex on the radio. He's entertaining for about 10 minutes.)

  • Lizzietish81

    If someone's coming down your chimney,
    you better load your gun and shoot to kill!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Let nothing you dismay….

  • larrykat

    My guns r for fightin the Celestials.

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      Almond eyed celestials?

  • Breaking news, which I have not seen anywhere except on HuffPost – buried inside – is that Nancy Lanza was petitioning the court to commit Adam to a psychiatric hospital and he was not happy with the idea.

    • slithytoves

      Petitioning the court for commitment whilst teaching him to handle an assault weapon. Hmmm…. I haz cognitive dissonance.

  • JustPixelz

    "Home Alone 9mm"
    Mary and Joseph picked the wrong house

    In theaters Dec 25. But you won't be. You'll be home guarding the tree, kept awake by coffee, adrenaline and amphetamines. Jesus can't save you.

    • "They said there was no room at the inn…"

      • Jus_Wonderin

        "…the ox and lamb kept time…"

  • sullivanst

    Wow, since they started pushing those ads suggesting hoarding stuff, the time it takes for stores to run out of the stuff that they're telling people to exhaust stores' stocks of has dropped from 3 hours to 2. I guess the ads are "working", or at least "lying".

  • mrpuma2u

    So jeebus is not the reason for the season, it's robbery, and robber killing with your AR-15 or AK. Good to know.

  • Guns are the Linus blankets of Bitter US Amercia… except when you cuddle them too closely the safety might pop and then you're missing part of your ear (and hearing.)

    • PopeEdgardo

      Happiness IS a warm gun.

  • MacRaith

    The only solution to this terrible problem, obviously, is to make it illegal for people not to have guns. Because of freedom.

    • bikerlaureate

      Society will become more Polite.
      The cause of the current dearth of Politeness is a lack of guns.

      Nothing about this reasoning could possibly be flawed.

  • DahBoner

    you will be robbed and murdered, because “Christmastime.”

    Ye Olde Christian Tradition. You've been EGG NOGGED…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm building a moat around my house, just to be safe. It'll be stocked with alligators and piranha. Don't know how long my dogs will last, though.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Using Capital One…?

  • GorzoTheMighty

    Janie's got a gun

    • SorosBot

      Yet somehow, a teen girl shooting her (abusive? rapist?) daddy is, while more common / realistic than their "shooting the negro home invader" fantasies, probably not the form of self-defense that these assholes approve of.

      But man, he had it comin'. The man was such a sleeze. He ain't never gonna be the same.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Killing Chinre commies and home invaders all Red Dawny like a bau5! I think that will be the name of my new band.

  • Troubledog

    More FEAR OF TEH BROWNS PLEASE I'm not feeling scared yet

  • …As visions of luger guns danced in their heads.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Fuck all…I'm tired of being broke. I'm going to start writing Gun Porn. My first novel…a man kills an intruder and is strangely excited by it. After that he can only get hard if he fantasizes how he defended his home from an intruder. Soon, he can't get off on just the thinking of it so he buys expensive consumer goods and leaves his doors unlocked. Then that's not enough. He starts going to bars where he talks to young toughs about a house that would be so easy to knock off.

    • DahBoner

      Advertise in Guns And Ammo, and you're in the money….

    • Blueb4sinrise

      That sounds like a good story actually.

    • bikerlaureate

      Judge, Jury, and Homeowner

    • shelwood46

      I think that was an episode of Criminal Minds.

    • As someone who has written novels and attempted to publish them, I suggest you think of a more lucrative money-making scheme, like begging in a subway station.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Ahhh, but wait until you read the sex scenes. hot cha cha

    • HarryButtle

      Dude, I think Charles Bronson already did that movie…

  • This is actually one of the least insane Prison Planet stories we have ever read, since it just warns of robbers and grandma-rapers instead of insisting that the reason you need to keep yourself tactically armed is so’s you can overthrow the government, like a boss, or take on the heathen Chinee, Red Dawn-styley.

    Agreed. The idea that all of the n-words are coming to home invasion you and rape your white daughters to death is not only an especially pedestrian sort of paranoid delusion, it's been basically the mainstream NRA position for years.

    See, these guys get it.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Personally, I do all my robbing and murdering around Christmastime. I know with everything else going on, it's kind of hectic and all, but I just get into the spirit this time of year.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Though it's difficult to decide which of the gifts under the tree to steal, them bein' wrapped up and all.

    • DahBoner

      I find the holidays too stressful. Much more relaxing to rob and murder in the summer, on vacation…

    • Toomush_Infer

      I know where you've been hiding
      I know what you have bought…
      Just thought you'd see me packing
      and shit your pants a lot…

  • gullywompr

    Their coalition is collapsing from within. Seems that even some of their own are parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. They're toast.

  • LibrarianX

    I live in a small town in NM where I assume that most of the residents are armed. I am not, but just let them assume the same of me.

    • not that Dewey

      So do I. Believe me, they know that you're not. They can smell it.

    • LibrarianX

      Also – I am very happy with the size of my penis.

  • smashedinhat

    Dear Playboy letters: My penis is small. Please give me an AR 15 for ChristMaus. Thanx in advance.

  • criticaldragon

    The thing that's really baffling actually is Alex Jones and his Prison Planet.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It's not that baffling. I'm sure that they're exchanging their guns for Claymores. The mines, not the blades.

    Remember, make sure they face away from you!

  • not that Dewey

    Gun Companies HATE This!

    • glasspusher

      …try this one little trick, discovered by a single mom…

    • glasspusher

      Maybe we should devote one post a week to riffing on the "around the web" ads? Are they confused that we're not clicking on them?

  • I don't bother with a locked and loaded Armalite for home defense anymore since I got my shipment of M18 Claymore mines.

  • Antispandex

    You had me at "FEMA camps".

  • gullywompr

    And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

  • glasspusher

    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.


    • Toomush_Infer

      Down, Dancer, Down Vixen, Down Comet and Cupid, and Donner goes Blitzen..

      • glasspusher

        Donner Down!

      • viennawoods13

        Assume reindeer dead.


  • smellypossum

    Slightly off topic:

    This morning it occurred to me that reality has shifted and that we're in something akin to an marco- Aadams Family episode, where the odd and macabre is assumed by the family to be normal. Granny with the AR-15 up there in the photo reminded me again… we're hearing absurd ideas that some people actually think will address the mass killing problem the US has, and there's a chunk of the population that thinks this shit is normal.

    When I hear ideas like "we should train children to gang rush the heavily armed mentally ill gunman, because why not… and don't take away my assault rifle. " Cue the laugh track. It's so absurd as to be an attempt at humor. Pathetic, not funny, and really just infuriating.

    I really want to change the channel off this episode… People wouldn't actually suggest something as morally bankrupt as having children trained to do that sort of thing. Or having armed teachers in classrooms in an effort to balance with the people who want their 2nd amendment "rights" untouched. It's fucking nuts.

  • Goonemeritus

    I am still way more scared of my wife then any potential house invader. Why the hell would I want to arm her, she is already mean as a snake without a gun.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Do you keep the kitchen knives locked up, or do you just never sleep?

      • Goonemeritus

        The best I can do is keep them sharp, there is nothing worse then being stabbed with a dull knife.

  • And in another disturbing shift towards reality-based reality, The Discovery Channel has suddenly made a feint towards sanity:

    In addition to cancelling its popular “American Guns” reality show, The Discovery Channel confirmed to Raw Story on Tuesday that firearms enthusiast Ted Nugent will also not be returning to the channel in any form or fashion.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      He did say he would be dead or in jail within a year. This may be where the depression kicks in, when he finds himself at home alone with all his guns.*

      Umm… with votes?

      *Not that I would wish this on anyone. Now I has a sad. My Christmas wish upon him is to live a long and irrelevant life.

      • glasspusher

        Take a gander at the alt-text. Clearly, the years have not been kind to Ted. No wonder he's off the air.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Ted's probably going to be the subject of a "Where Are They Now" segment on VH1 sometime in the next year or so.

      • SorosBot

        Come on now; VH1 like MTV before it stopped having shows about music over a decade ago.

  • Sir_Fartz_Alot

    Xmas-time, the Reaping, coming to a theater near you

  • DixvilleCrotch

    They came and took my slingshot, and now I'm wasting away in a FEMA camp. Avenge me!!!!

  • SuspectedDemocrat


  • glasspusher

    Sad but true around here, there have been thieves following the UPS guy around and grabbing packages they've been leaving at houses where nobody's home. I'm home today with a wicked cold…time for some vigilante justice? "Stop, or I'll moisten you with my humidifier!"

    • Toomush_Infer

      Nog the guy….

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Shoot 'em all and let FedEx sort 'em out.

    • GeneralLerong

      I know someone whose boxes of colostomy bags are delivered by UPS, because I see these boxes sitting by their mailbox upon occasion and rescue them. [UPS driver apparently doesn't like to climb the mountain of steps to their house]

      Wouldn't that be a nice surprise it-fell-off-the-back-of-a-truck holiday gift?

  • ttommyunger

    Oh yeah, we are definitely through the Looking Glass here, folks.

  • Tommy1733

    If I hear any goddam "click-click-click" up MY housetop, I'm gonna be standing my ground.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Christmas carolers should be armed, too.

  • docterry6973

    I don't even have a gun. I hope I am not robbed and murdered this Christmas.

    Actually, if we abolish Christmas then our safety goes way up. War on Christmas!

  • smitallica

    I've fucked a grandma before, and it was not all what had led me to expect.

    • ElPinche

      Yeah, instead of squirters and big tit fucking, it was mostly urinary incontinence and hot flashes.

  • chascates

    WND: Train the Militia and halt the massacres
    by Christopher Monckton of Brenchley

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Bad enough to have the relatives over, arguing and knocking stuff down; without worrying about who'll grab the Glock. It scares the kids, and those chalk marks on the floor are hell to clean.

  • mavenmaven

    Now the UN will take over Newtown…

  • You can be robbed and murdered because of Christmastime? Is this the war on Xmas they keep yammering about?

  • LibertyLover

    Grandma got plowed down by a reindeer AK-47?

  • jolpaj

    Note that the author does not regard burglars as criminals.

  • Disassembly

    I loved this comment. Beware, it may sway you: "The shooting happened BECAUSE THE SCHOOL WAS IN A GUN FREE ZONE!!!!! Response by fluoridated dumbed-down gullible public? TURNING IN GUNS & HELPING TO MAKE ALL OF AMERICA A GUN FREE ZONE!!!!! Anyone spot a PROBLEM here?! These IDIOTS turning in their guns are worse then lemmings – as they should know better. America is dead."

  • jello_mold

    Not to be smug or anything but I got all my robbing and home invasion done before Thanksgiving.

  • jello_mold

    "I'll be home for Christmeth…"

  • ElPinche

    I Wordled the text from that Prison Planet piece and all I got was "SHEEPLE. "

  • ElPinche

    I know AJ. You can make his head bloat up x4 and make him turn beet red by pointing out that a bunch of middle aged paranoid douchebags with AR-15s will not stop a US military invasion. Diabetics with Bushmasters who can't run 22 minute mile to save their life are no match to MOABs and tactical nukes.

  • TribecaMike

    Isn't that Granny from The Beverly Killbillies?

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