they're coming to take you away

Prison Planet ‘Baffled’ By Stupid Citizens Turning In Their Guns After Newtown

Ted NugentThe not at all paranoid fellows at Prison Planet, previously known for very sane examinations of how Barack Obama is personally chopping up aborted babies for fun and profit, and also lots and lots of stuff about FEMA Camps, have a heartwarming holiday story about people willingly turning in their guns after the Newtown massacre. Wait, did we say “heartwarming”? We meant “baffling.”

What’s particularly baffling about the willingness for law abiding people to relinquish their firearms is the fact that they are ensuring they will be defenseless in their own homes right before Christmas when criminals and burglars are more prone to strike.

Got that, Americans who have decided that in fact having a gun in the home might not be the best way to attain personal safety or be a positive for society at large? You are a fool. A FOOL! Because now you will be robbed and murdered, because “Christmastime.”

This is actually one of the least insane Prison Planet stories we have ever read, since it just warns of robbers and grandma-rapers instead of insisting that the reason you need to keep yourself tactically armed is so’s you can overthrow the government, like a boss, or take on the heathen Chinee, Red Dawn-styley.

[PrisonPlanet, via Wonket superoperative "chascates"]

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188 comments

  1. iburl

    My God, what a fool i've been, enjoying Christmas all my life without a loaded semi-automatic machine gun with a banana clip pointed at the front door.

      1. JustPixelz

        HA HA very funny. As if you need shout a warning when you're standing your ground. And God won't help Santa because of gay marriage.

      2. SorosBot

        If Santa was real, how many houses would he make it to in the US before some paranoid gun nut blew him away?

    1. weejee

      Just set tripwired Claymores (DoD mfr. IED). That way you don't have to get up and the red stains here and there will fit with the traditional holiday theme.

    2. PopeEdgardo

      My brother-in-law keeps a gun on all three floors of his house. Because, you know, they might get a really long ladder and come in through the attic window.

    3. Southern Beale

      You’re never truly free unless you’re wearing a bullet-proof vest and pair of Depends, loaded weapons at the ready in case those “carolers” (wink wink) are really out to STEAL YOUR SHIT. That, my friends, is Freedom!

      Also, shooting people for stealing your shit? It’s like a video game, only better!

  2. PuckStopsHere

    There's one lady from whom we should be able to pry the goddamn thing from her cold dead fingers before too much longer.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Probably more intelligent life on Animal Planet & that includes all those guys that wrassle varmints.

  3. johnnyzhivago

    Christmas is the time of year everyone worries about a gang of home invaders all armed with assault weapons storming your house in the middle of the night.

    If you don't have at least 2-3 machine guns for every family member you might as well just leave your doors open and put an Obama sign out in your yard.

  4. actor212

    What’s particularly baffling about the willingness for law abiding people to relinquish their firearms is the fact that they are ensuring they will be defenseless in their own homes right before Christmas when criminals and burglars are more prone to strike.

    Because guns are soooooooooooooooo often used to prevent crimes….

  5. BlueMonkeh

    Kryst on a cracker these fucking people.

    I have just about goddamn had it here in red hell. Gun buying has gone through the roof here – in a metropolitan area of more than 500K people, because "SAFETY" and such. I'm now even more scared shitless to walk amongst my fellow duh-Merkuns.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      Some Jackass here in SLC was showing his buddy his piece at the Beans and Brew yesterday, dropped the fucking thing on the floor where it discharged.
      Luckily nobody was hit,
      Or shot back.

  6. GlowneyHouse

    That's what Christ's birth has always been about, every since the first Xmas when Joseph asked the sheperds to lay down a 50 meter perimeter around the manger to deter incursions.

  7. second_gen

    Well, I did learn that both Holmes the Aurora shooter and Lanza the Newtown shooter had parents who knew something about a LIBORG or something or other from Prison Planet. Coincidence!? I THINK NOT!

    1. SuspectedDemocrat

      I have a Facebook friend who keeps reposting that even after being told it's a hoax, so it MUST be true!

  8. american__mutt

    Just heard a pro-gun caller on my favorite radio program, On Point. She defended her position by saying, "400 thousand Russians are hiding in the hills of North Carolina". She closed her argument with, "Do you know how many kids die from satanic ritual abuse?". The host was speechless.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      "400 thousand Russians are hiding in the hills of North Carolina."

      I call bullshit because there are that many stills up thar in the hillz and those guys making white lightning know where every possum and pussy is at all times. Unless, of course, those 400,000 Russians are all running illegal distilleries. Is there a shortage of potatoes in North Carolina?

    2. SorosBot

      The mid-80s are calling, they want their brand of paranoid lunacy back.

      Did she also warn against subliminal messages on heavy metal albums played backwards, and how playing Dungeons & Dragons leads to Satanism?

      1. Pres.Beeblebrox

        Not to mention the Rock and Roll. I heard from my non-existent Jehovah's Witness friend that KISS really means Knights In Satan's Service and Rush means Rulers Under Satan's Hell. The latter of which leads to the question, if Hell is down below, what is under Hell? Unless they're talking about a Dantean-type concentric Hell with different levels of punishment depending on your sin.

    3. ProgressiveInga

      Are they Russian models? 'Cause if they are, I'm going orienteering in the N. Carolina hills this Xmas!

    4. PopeEdgardo

      "400 thousand Russians are hiding in the hills of North Carolina". Probably from all the gun nuts in North Carolina.

    5. nirrti_rachelle

      That's a Newtonian Law of Physics-worthy formula for radio talk show callers: "_____are hiding in ______" or "Do you know how many ____ die from ____?"

      1. TheGyrus

        The Seattle Seahawks are hiding in my pants. Do you know how many spider monkeys die from diphtheria?

    6. BoroPrimorac

      I was listening to NPR when that crazed woman called in. Her insanity completely derailed a caller from South Carolina who had some very progressive views on gun control.

  9. Fukui-sanYesOta

    From a comment on the linked article:

    "The study is deeply flawed, having a gun will not make any impact on safety or health,"

    "In short, explaining everything with statistics is not good science"

    Yeah, statistics like

    Lethal assaults were 2.7 times more likely to occur if a gun was present, suggesting that the idea of guns being used for protection is evidently mostly a myth.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Oh, definitely, on the belt – a lovely, polished holster makes such a nice addition to that 4 inch wide black belt…Santa, baby…

    2. PopeEdgardo

      Hey, the libruls' war on Christmas is nothing to laguh about. Of COURSE they should be armed and have it on their belts for quick access.

  10. MissTaken

    ensuring they will be defenseless in their own homes right before Christmas when criminals and burglars are more prone to strike.

    I like to place a little ceramic criminal burgling the manger on my mantle's Nativity scene. Helps me remember the reason for the season.

  11. Estproph

    We wish you a merry robbery
    we wish you a merry robbery
    we wish you a merry robbery
    and a happy home invasion!

  12. elviouslyqueer

    With recent Black Friday gun sales hitting all time highs, the Obama Administration and Democrats have moved swiftly to exploit the wave of anti-gun rhetoric in the aftermath of the shooting to prepare draconian gun control legislation.

    Um, it's not just Democrats, you fucking dumbass.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      And banning high-capacity clips isn't exactly draconian. Of course all the liberals are gonna catch hell when some innocent sportsman (another one of those euphemisms) is out hunting with his Mac-10 and is killed by a stampeding herd of deer because he didn't have enough ammo to stop them all.

    2. bikerlaureate

      That draconian gun control legislation has been in the works since Inauguration Day, and it'll be reversing this President's actual track record of expanding gun rights Any Day Now.

  13. SorosBot

    Wasn't the Prison Planet where Alien 3 took place? Damn that one sucked; and the way they just unceremoniously killed off Newt and Hicks off-screen was just awful.

    1. glasspusher

      I heard it sucked and have never watched it- thanks for reinforcing my conviction. I knew to stop at 2.

      1. nirrti_rachelle

        Even Ridley Scott said he'd rather imagine "Alien 3" never actually happened in-universe and it was just a product of some bad dream Ripley had while in hyper-sleep.

  14. smellypossum

    Alex Jones: turning paranoia into a profession. This assumes that his wingnut sponsors provide enough money for him to make a living being paranoid.

    (I used to listen to Alex on the radio. He's entertaining for about 10 minutes.)

  15. johnnyzhivago

    Breaking news, which I have not seen anywhere except on HuffPost – buried inside – is that Nancy Lanza was petitioning the court to commit Adam to a psychiatric hospital and he was not happy with the idea.

    1. slithytoves

      Petitioning the court for commitment whilst teaching him to handle an assault weapon. Hmmm…. I haz cognitive dissonance.

  16. JustPixelz

    "Home Alone 9mm"
    Mary and Joseph picked the wrong house

    In theaters Dec 25. But you won't be. You'll be home guarding the tree, kept awake by coffee, adrenaline and amphetamines. Jesus can't save you.

  17. sullivanst

    Wow, since they started pushing those ads suggesting hoarding stuff, the time it takes for stores to run out of the stuff that they're telling people to exhaust stores' stocks of has dropped from 3 hours to 2. I guess the ads are "working", or at least "lying".

  18. mrpuma2u

    So jeebus is not the reason for the season, it's robbery, and robber killing with your AR-15 or AK. Good to know.

  19. MacRaith

    The only solution to this terrible problem, obviously, is to make it illegal for people not to have guns. Because of freedom.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Society will become more Polite.
      The cause of the current dearth of Politeness is a lack of guns.

      Nothing about this reasoning could possibly be flawed.

  20. DahBoner

    you will be robbed and murdered, because “Christmastime.”

    Ye Olde Christian Tradition. You've been EGG NOGGED…

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm building a moat around my house, just to be safe. It'll be stocked with alligators and piranha. Don't know how long my dogs will last, though.

    1. SorosBot

      Yet somehow, a teen girl shooting her (abusive? rapist?) daddy is, while more common / realistic than their "shooting the negro home invader" fantasies, probably not the form of self-defense that these assholes approve of.

      But man, he had it comin'. The man was such a sleeze. He ain't never gonna be the same.

  22. CrunchyKnee

    Killing Chinre commies and home invaders all Red Dawny like a bau5! I think that will be the name of my new band.

  23. Dashboard Buddha

    Fuck all…I'm tired of being broke. I'm going to start writing Gun Porn. My first novel…a man kills an intruder and is strangely excited by it. After that he can only get hard if he fantasizes how he defended his home from an intruder. Soon, he can't get off on just the thinking of it so he buys expensive consumer goods and leaves his doors unlocked. Then that's not enough. He starts going to bars where he talks to young toughs about a house that would be so easy to knock off.

    1. imissopus

      As someone who has written novels and attempted to publish them, I suggest you think of a more lucrative money-making scheme, like begging in a subway station.

  24. Rebootably_Joe

    This is actually one of the least insane Prison Planet stories we have ever read, since it just warns of robbers and grandma-rapers instead of insisting that the reason you need to keep yourself tactically armed is so’s you can overthrow the government, like a boss, or take on the heathen Chinee, Red Dawn-styley.

    Agreed. The idea that all of the n-words are coming to home invasion you and rape your white daughters to death is not only an especially pedestrian sort of paranoid delusion, it's been basically the mainstream NRA position for years.

    See, these guys get it.

  25. Lascauxcaveman

    Personally, I do all my robbing and murdering around Christmastime. I know with everything else going on, it's kind of hectic and all, but I just get into the spirit this time of year.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Though it's difficult to decide which of the gifts under the tree to steal, them bein' wrapped up and all.

    2. DahBoner

      I find the holidays too stressful. Much more relaxing to rob and murder in the summer, on vacation…

    3. Toomush_Infer

      I know where you've been hiding
      I know what you have bought…
      Just thought you'd see me packing
      and shit your pants a lot…

  26. gullywompr

    Their coalition is collapsing from within. Seems that even some of their own are parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. They're toast.

  27. LibrarianX

    I live in a small town in NM where I assume that most of the residents are armed. I am not, but just let them assume the same of me.

  28. Oblios_Cap

    It's not that baffling. I'm sure that they're exchanging their guns for Claymores. The mines, not the blades.

    Remember, make sure they face away from you!

    1. glasspusher

      Maybe we should devote one post a week to riffing on the "around the web" ads? Are they confused that we're not clicking on them?

  29. glasspusher

    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
    Then I STONE COLD SHOT THOSE BASTARDS.

    THE END

  30. smellypossum

    Slightly off topic:

    This morning it occurred to me that reality has shifted and that we're in something akin to an marco- Aadams Family episode, where the odd and macabre is assumed by the family to be normal. Granny with the AR-15 up there in the photo reminded me again… we're hearing absurd ideas that some people actually think will address the mass killing problem the US has, and there's a chunk of the population that thinks this shit is normal.

    When I hear ideas like "we should train children to gang rush the heavily armed mentally ill gunman, because why not… and don't take away my assault rifle. " Cue the laugh track. It's so absurd as to be an attempt at humor. Pathetic, not funny, and really just infuriating.

    I really want to change the channel off this episode… People wouldn't actually suggest something as morally bankrupt as having children trained to do that sort of thing. Or having armed teachers in classrooms in an effort to balance with the people who want their 2nd amendment "rights" untouched. It's fucking nuts.

  31. Goonemeritus

    I am still way more scared of my wife then any potential house invader. Why the hell would I want to arm her, she is already mean as a snake without a gun.

      1. Goonemeritus

        The best I can do is keep them sharp, there is nothing worse then being stabbed with a dull knife.

  32. SayItWithWookies

    And in another disturbing shift towards reality-based reality, The Discovery Channel has suddenly made a feint towards sanity:

    In addition to cancelling its popular “American Guns” reality show, The Discovery Channel confirmed to Raw Story on Tuesday that firearms enthusiast Ted Nugent will also not be returning to the channel in any form or fashion.

    1. SuspectedDemocrat

      He did say he would be dead or in jail within a year. This may be where the depression kicks in, when he finds himself at home alone with all his guns.*

      Umm… with votes?

      *Not that I would wish this on anyone. Now I has a sad. My Christmas wish upon him is to live a long and irrelevant life.

      1. glasspusher

        Take a gander at the alt-text. Clearly, the years have not been kind to Ted. No wonder he's off the air.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Ted's probably going to be the subject of a "Where Are They Now" segment on VH1 sometime in the next year or so.

  33. glasspusher

    Sad but true around here, there have been thieves following the UPS guy around and grabbing packages they've been leaving at houses where nobody's home. I'm home today with a wicked cold…time for some vigilante justice? "Stop, or I'll moisten you with my humidifier!"

    1. GeneralLerong

      I know someone whose boxes of colostomy bags are delivered by UPS, because I see these boxes sitting by their mailbox upon occasion and rescue them. [UPS driver apparently doesn't like to climb the mountain of steps to their house]

      Wouldn't that be a nice surprise it-fell-off-the-back-of-a-truck holiday gift?

  34. docterry6973

    I don't even have a gun. I hope I am not robbed and murdered this Christmas.

    Actually, if we abolish Christmas then our safety goes way up. War on Christmas!

  35. GeorgiaBurning

    Bad enough to have the relatives over, arguing and knocking stuff down; without worrying about who'll grab the Glock. It scares the kids, and those chalk marks on the floor are hell to clean.

  36. Disassembly

    I loved this comment. Beware, it may sway you: "The shooting happened BECAUSE THE SCHOOL WAS IN A GUN FREE ZONE!!!!! Response by fluoridated dumbed-down gullible public? TURNING IN GUNS & HELPING TO MAKE ALL OF AMERICA A GUN FREE ZONE!!!!! Anyone spot a PROBLEM here?! These IDIOTS turning in their guns are worse then lemmings – as they should know better. America is dead."

  37. ElPinche

    I know AJ. You can make his head bloat up x4 and make him turn beet red by pointing out that a bunch of middle aged paranoid douchebags with AR-15s will not stop a US military invasion. Diabetics with Bushmasters who can't run 22 minute mile to save their life are no match to MOABs and tactical nukes.

Comments are closed.