Minnesota, Oklahoma, Tennessee GOP Lawmakers Want More Guns In Schools; Utah 6th Grader Decides Not To Wait

  Stand Your Playground

Conflict Resolution 101Good news, everyone! We are having a national dialogue on guns! Unfortunately, it seems to be just about as coherent as our national dialogue on race. In Minnesota, Oklahoma, and Tennessee, GOP lawmakers plan to introduce legislation that would arm public school teachers in those states. Meanwhile, in Utah, a sixth-grade boy brought a handgun to school because he was worried about being a victim of a Newtown-style shooting, then pointed it in the face of other students, threatening “to kill them if they told the teacher.” We at Wonkette urge the President to move forward on authorizing a Federal Department of Jesus Will You People Just Calm The Fuck Down Already, I Mean Really.

So, first, the alleged grownups: In Minnesota, State Rep. Tony Cornish (R-EmptyGesture), who has advocated more guns in educational institutions since at least 2007, plans to introduce an “Armed Defense of Classrooms” law, explaining that

“It’s something that we have to face that all of the laws in the world sometimes aren’t just going to work…The cop can’t be everywhere so the best person to defend yourself is yourself.”

Fortunately, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton has already said that the idea of arming teachers “defies common sense,” and virtually every other bit of give-everyone-a-gun legislation Cornish has symbolically introduced has been defeated.

In Oklahoma, State Rep. Mark McCullough (R-WishfulThinking) wants to go a step beyond merely allowing teachers to carry firearms; while his proposed bill would (for now) only apply to teachers who volunteer to be armed, he would also require these armed teachers to have equivalent training to that provided to law enforcement officers:

“These teachers would be trained at the same level as our law enforcement are currently trained,” he said. “They would be trained in target acquisition, in marksmanship. They would be trained in all of the things that our current police officers are trained in.”

This is very encouraging, as we are all aware that no law enforcement officers ever shoot anyone accidentally or without justification.

Also, too, there’s Tennessee, where State Sen. Frank Niceley (R-JustPilingOnNow) would require that every school have either an armed Resource Officer or at least one armed faculty or staff member. He seems really proud of how well he’s thought out possible scenarios:

“Say some madman comes in. The first person he would probably try to take out was the resource officer. But if he doesn’t know which teacher has training, then he wouldn’t know which one had [a gun],” Niceley said by phone. “These guys are obviously cowards anyway and if someone starts shooting back, they’re going to take cover, maybe go ahead and commit suicide like most of them have.”

Wonkette was unable to confirm whether Sen. Nicely actually acted out the scenario on his desk with action figures and “Pew! Pew!” noises.

[Note: When we began drafting this piece, we only had the story about Minnesota's armed-teacher proposal. The other two were brought to our attention by Your Editrix while we were writing, a literal tripling of Derp. By the end of the day we expect similar GOP proposals for all 50 states, Puerto Rico & Samoa, and the International Space Station -- Doktor Zoom]

Meanwhile, in Kearns, Utah, an 11-year-old boy who said he was worried about the shootings in Newtown brought a .22 handgun with him to school on Monday morning, along with ammunition that may not have matched the gun. School officials and law enforcement are still sorting out exactly what happened, because most of the information is based on the testimony of very frightened 6th-graders, but at least one source also reports that he told other kids that his parents had encouraged him to take the gun for protection. We have not seen any confirmation that the parents actually said that — If they did, they are terrible human beings.

The boy reportedly pointed the gun, which was apprently not loaded, at several kids and told them he would kill them if they told a teacher about the gun; once someone did tell a teacher — near the end of the school day — the boy was taken to the principal, the gun was seized, and the boy was arrested. (Some parents are apparently angry that the school did not go into lockdown, which seems perhaps not exactly called for if the principal had the gun secured and the kid sitting in his office waiting for police.)

No word yet on whether any Utah legislators will argue that an armed teacher should have been allowed to take out the kid, had they seen him waving a gun on the playground. If he was pointing his empty gun at another student, it would have been a clean kill, after all.

More gun-related fuckery is expected to come in the coming days. In the meantime, Your Wonkette would like to present this public service message:

Srsly, peepl

[CityPages / Raw Story / TPM / ABC4]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

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170 comments

  1. Barbara_

    And any child who forgets his gun will be given a cold cheese sandwich and some skim milk. Wait, that doesn't sound right even as a suggestion for a low income kid who has no lunch. We're fucked!

    1. PopeEdgardo

      I'm torn. On the one hand, poor kids without guns would presumably be easier targets than well-armed ones. On the other hand, it would be socialism to just give the poor kids guns. Maybe they could clean out the school toilets in return for their guns. We need creative thinking here, people.

    2. OkieDokieDog

      And rest assured that the cheese has no human fetus bits in it, thanks to OK Rep Ralph Shortey, who has already pondered on that nonsense. He's also a co-signer on arming the Union Thugs… er… teachers.

  2. Come here a minute

    These stories make me so mad I want to punch those kittens. Hey, at least I don't want to shoot them, because safety.

    1. Veritas78

      You DON'T want to shoot them? Sicko.

      Of course, I can barely see them through the surveyor marks stuck all over my screen.

    1. finallyhappy

      I agree! I will drink my one alcoholic beverage- because I won't have to worry about a headache after!

  3. snowpointsecret

    Well, if the other kid had a gun he could have protected himself too, and then both of them would simultaneously shoot each other in the face! Isn't that what Jesus would have wanted when he wrote the Constitution with his pet dinosaur?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm pretty sure I'd rather see little Jimmy, Beth and Tommy have a melodramtic 6th-grade love triangle than a Mexican standoff.

    1. Preferred Customer

      If I smoke my own cigarettes, your second hand smoke can't give me cancer. It is self-defense.

  4. iburl

    Guess what, I'd rather my kid take her chances with a random act than to have 100% certainty that there is some formerly-unemployed George Zimmerman type gun-nut in the school "protecting" the kids.

  5. Mumbletypeg

    require these armed teachers to have equivalent training to that provided to law enforcement officers

    Have any of these elected douchebags actually ever met a kindergarten teacher??

    1. WhatTheHeck

      My teacher taught me the 3 “R’s”: Revolver, Recoil and Reload. An I became a Republican lawmaker.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    I think they should arm the school bus drivers, and the janitorial staff too, especially that young janitor guy with Down's Syndrome.

  7. ElPinche

    Can we take a break now? Any news on Megan McCain's or Chris Christie's tits ? Shit , I'll take a Palin story right about now.

  8. hagajim

    they are terrible human beings

    That's pretty much all that needs to be said about all of these fucking idiots. Yeah – lets send our kids into armed encampments and teach them some larnin'. Fuck me!

  9. Grokenstein

    The GOP doesn't want teachers earning a decent wage, but wants them armed.
    The lemmingosity of the Republican Party never ceases to astound.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      OTOH, when Suzy's mom comes to pick her up after school, and Mrs Feinbein is casually polishing her nickle plated .38 as she mentions to Suzy's mom that she needs a volunteer to bring two dozen cupcakes for the class party on Thursday, you can be damn sure Mrs Feinbein is going to get her cupcakes.

      1. jqheywood

        [Dinsdale voice]: It would be a shame if anything happened to little Suzy because we din-ant 'ave any cupcakes, na wooden it?

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      Yeah, I can't wait until after we arm all of the teachers and then some Republican politician starts bad-mouthing teachers and the school system.

  10. Q_R_DeNameland

    Nothing says "let's have a mutually respectful yet critical dialogue" in the classroom like a Glock.

  11. NorthStarSpanx

    I assume Homeschoolers will have their guns and target practices subsidized also too, separate but equal but probably done so already according to their morals and curriculum?

    1. Negropolis

      I need to get you out of disgruntled mode, because that seems the pre-set setting for mass shooters.

  12. Mumbletypeg

    Washington Post this morning showed a poll wherein respondents increasingly blame underlying causes for mass shootings such as Friday's on societal issues and less on isolated circumstance.
    What if our societal issue/ problem IS increased isolation in our culture?
    I can't even joke about home schooling any more. This kind of fallout ensures they will take on more adherents. Not always a bad thing in & of itself but not exactly the direction I want to see our society going in.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    I guess a teacher with a gun would never flip out; never ever ever. They have such good lives, are so well paid, and no stress at all at their jobs.

  14. coolhandnuke

    The Newton mass murderer was home schooled by his mother, who was also a school teacher. She also had an ample supply of firearms in her home. So, a well-armed teacher can't stop her own son with her own weapons in her own home from turning those weapons on her and heading to a public school to murder 26 others.

        1. Veritas78

          We gotta get that stuff into Wikipedia. Let's wait a week or two until everyone's forgotten about him.

      1. coolhandnuke

        I stand corrected…thanks.
        Knowing she was a Wall St. turd might make it easier for a lock, stock and barrel quip, but I will refrain this once.

      2. Lascauxcaveman

        The version I heard was she was a *former* financial services worker who quit her job (after getting a very nice divorce settlement) so she could stay home to care for her mentally unstable son. So naturally she goes and leaves her large gun collection casually strewn about the place…

        1. johnnyzhivago

          It must be a thing with CPAs, stockbrokers, because every year I tremble when I take our taxes to our accountant -  he has a huge case of guns, including M4's (at least 2-3) – and then behind you as you sit, a 60″ giant TV with Fox News going.

  15. skmind

    If only a teacher were armed, she could have stopped this copycat Lanza by teaching him a lesson in not pointing guns unless he was prepared to shoot.

    And those other kids? Pussies!

  16. Jus_Wonderin

    I had this excellent posting but neglected to not use that word we must not whisper. It rhymes with tripper which, I must say, is very hard NOT to use when posting about…uh…guns.

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    I dunno, a teacher with a gun.
    "You little bastard, that's the third time this month you haven't done your homework!" Blammo!

    And I don't even wanna think about if they armed the sports coaches.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Some of the phys ed teachers I had in school were a bit "off" to begin with. Runnin' laps while they shoot at your heels would be the safest part of their school day.

    2. Veritas78

      Coaches? Pfft! Let's just arm the players. Think of the ratings!

      And bread should be free for everyone. Why hasn't anyone tried this?

  18. widestanceromance

    "Good morning, class. I'm Miss Landers. Let me introduce you to my leetuhl friend."

    All this insane crap would stop really fast if the teachers' unions were to get on board the Packin' Teacher train.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Oh, yeah? Who you gonna join? The raccoons? Those filthy fucking squirrels, maybe? The pigs?

      Cannibal.

    1. MaxUdargo

      Having seen that many times, I've decided I can't accept that he actually said, "I'm the only one professional enough to carry this Glock 40," one second before literally shooting himself in the foot. It had to be intentional. He was making a point.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Welcome to your new libertardian nightmare, where nobody pays taxes and thus everybody has to be ready to perform every government service at any moment. Need a cop, an electrician, a lifeguard, a lineman, an architect, a soldier, a pilot, a computer tech, a cook, a soil technician, a meteorologist, a butcher, an HVAC repairman or anything else? Look in the mirror, because the fuckin' Republicans have dismantled every single service a complex society has developed specialized functions for. Wheeeee.

  20. Jus_Wonderin

    We are not going about this with a clear head. So, here is my plan. We use genetic engineering to produce the most lethal alligator/labador retriever kids the world has ever seen…while they are in the womb. Then we push a Bushmaster up in there and a rack of ammo…and, viola….at birth no one will have the balls to fuck with our kids.

    I can't reason out the birthing part of the plan. It's a bit too tricky to figure. Any help?

  21. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Only in America, where the facts don't matter and everybody loses, do we react to bad things by requesting more bad things.

  22. FakaktaSouth

    So if a secretly armed teacher at that Utah school had just cold shot that gun-pointing misguided lad, it would have been the right thing now, yes? And everyone would be happy about that? Just, shooting up everything always seems to be our only plausible reaction.

  23. Goonemeritus

    The NRA has taken the wise step of STFU right now, you would think these legislators would take a hint.

    1. Guppy

      Now they're saying they'll bring "meaningful contributions."

      Expect them to implement their "Glocks for Grade Schoolers" program by the end of the week.

  24. TootsStansbury

    I think a certain percentage of the US Amurkin population grew up eating lead. Not in the figurative sense either; actual lead paint chips and such.

  25. ChrisM2011

    Why not hire security, Republicans? Oh, that's right. That would cost money.

    Instead, let's train grey haired Ms. Burton from typing class how to fire a weapon.

  26. Botlrokit

    “These guys are obviously cowards anyway and if someone starts shooting back, they’re going to take cover, maybe go ahead and commit suicide like most of them have.”

    Spoken like a true gentleman of the Tennessee Legislature.

  27. CrunchyKnee

    Hey, repubtards, who pays for all this?

    The invisible hand?
    Sky Jesus?
    Taxes on the rich (HAHAHAHA, just kidding).

  28. BaldarTFlagass

    "The boy reportedly pointed the gun, which was apprently not loaded, at several kids and told them he would kill them if they told a teacher about the gun;"

    Why would any of his fellow students want to rat out the guy who is going to save their lives if an armed madman shows up at their school?

    1. Veritas78

      Another disturbing aspect is that, if his parents didn't actually encourage him to take the gun to school, they did not notice it was missing.

  29. BaldarTFlagass

    Ya know, I think they were a little premature when they legislated out the use of the word "lunatic."

  30. mustangsavvy

    "then pointed it in the face of other students, threatening “to kill them if they told the teacher.”

    Absolutely no one could have predicted that that would happen if we just armed every single breathing walking human being in this country.

    For all the people who advocate arming everyone:

    1. I'm simply shocked that your brain hasn't exploded from a Stupidity Stroke;

    2. It's all well and good to figure, hey yeah, if a gunman comes – I'LL have the guns ready….but what happens if the gunman is….the ONE fucker in the school WITH ALL THE GUNS?

    3. And if we have the *perfect* foil to scenario #2 and thus arm EVERYONE – what happens the next time little Johnny or little Susie doesn't feel like finishing their milk and lying down quietly and taking a nap? OK Corral between the teachers and the Kiddie Cowboys Gang behind the lunch boxes?!?!? For fuck's sake.

    In other words: THESE ARE NOT GOOD PLANS, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.

  31. SorosBot

    Somehow though, I suspect that the insane lawmakers who want to turn teachers into trained law enforcement personnel (seriously, what the fuck?) still intend to keep paying them shit.

  32. bikerlaureate

    “These teachers would be trained at the same level as our law enforcement are currently trained,” he said.

    These are the same overpaid union thugs that are destroying our nation's future, right?

  33. kittensdontlie

    I know a certain niece and nephew who will be recieving concealable semi-autos this Christmas! Woe be to the teacher who tries to disarm them!

  34. Wile E. Quixote

    I'm beginning to wonder if the whole "let's arm teachers thing" is a cynical ploy by the gun industry to deal with the problem of market saturation. The way things are in America now anyone who wants a gun or two or three has them and unlike other consumer items, say iPods or cell phones, the gun you buy today is not going to be obsolete in three years, the technology just doesn't change that quickly. So what do you do if you're Bushmaster, Colt, Smith and Wesson, etc? Well you take advantage of the number of massacres that take place because nutjobs have easy access to semi-automatic weapons and advocate that the solution to this problem is for teachers to carry guns. Bada-bing, bada-boom, all of a sudden market saturation isn't a problem any more and you start getting lots of government contracts from the Department of Education and state departments of education to produce educational versions of your guns. When I was younger I would have thoughts like that and think "Jesus, that's dark, cynical and crazy. Only a sick bastard would do something like that." Now I think "Jesus, that's dark, cynical and crazy. Which group of sick bastards is doing that?"

  35. coolhandnuke

    Twenty-four years to the day, the Consumer Product Safety Commission banned a product that was responsible for the deaths of three children due to their hazards as a flying projectile. If we can be ban lawn darts, we can also restrict other lethal flying projectiles.

      1. coolhandnuke

        I thought it was a plot by the Horseshoe Pitching industry–whose product has killed and maimed far more participants and spectators than lawn darts–into diverting attention away from their lethal flying projectiles.

  36. Wile E. Quixote

    In Oklahoma, State Rep. Mark McCullough (R-WishfulThinking) wants to go a step beyond merely allowing teachers to carry firearms; while his proposed bill would (for now) only apply to teachers who volunteer to be armed, he would also require these armed teachers to have equivalent training to that provided to law enforcement officers:

    “These teachers would be trained at the same level as our law enforcement are currently trained,” he said. “They would be trained in target acquisition, in marksmanship. They would be trained in all of the things that our current police officers are trained in.”

    Call me crazy but I'd be more comfortable if we required all police officers to be trained at the same level our teachers are and to be trained in all of the things our current teachers are trained in.

  37. Antispandex

    I have thought it over, and come to the rational decision. I am opting for the explosive vest with dead man switch. If I have to be shot by a-holes, and I can't defend myself, I'm taking everyone with me. See, that's what you call logic.

    Edit: Just so everyone knows I was not serious, and I avoid "hate snark", I am not stupid. I know that the truely logical thing is to refuse to take a job as a teacher. Thank god some do, but they are the crazy brave, and considering what they get paid, the truely altruistic.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Edit: Just so everyone knows I was not serious, and I avoid "hate snark", I am not stupid.

      Dude, you just blew a chance at a lucrative career writing for The Daily Beast.

  38. docterry6973

    It was a long time ago, but I recall several high school teachers who most definitely should not have been armed.

  39. Wile E. Quixote

    Here's my idea to add some fun to the debate. Let's use this as a push to call for smaller class sizes. Think about it. If you've got one teacher in front of a class of 30 kids that's 30 easy targets for a nutjob shooter. But if you had a class size of 15 then it's harder for the nutjob shooter to kill as many people at once because he'll have to go from room to room. Additionally if you decide to arm the teachers then having more teachers in the school will mean that there are more guns in the school, and as we all know more guns = better.

      1. Veritas78

        This is one of those mass/momentum questions, right? I'm pretty sure that's not covered until high school.

        1. Wile E. Quixote

          Ah, but you see, the kinetic energy of a projectile increases linearly with mass but exponentially with velocity. So if we trained these kids to run really fast and get up to say, 65 miles per hour they'd have enough velocity to take out an armed shooter. Plus we'd be training future generations of Olympians and preventing childhood obesity.
          Before we went ahead with this though we'd need to do lots of testing. Does anyone have a couple of spare rooms full of Glibertarians we could test McArdle's theories on?

  40. Wile E. Quixote

    I'm still waiting for one of these fucksticks to put his money where his mouth is and say that legislators should set an example by going armed themselves and forgoing any armed guards or metal detectors on the grounds of the state capital.

    1. Veritas78

      Also, state legislators must be trained to rush the shooter. This will take lots and lots of practice, but start by taping "LOBBYIST" signs to the gunman/trainer.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        You know if you did that the McArdle technique just might work. Does anyone have a spare state legislature we could test this out on?

      2. shelwood46

        Just have the gunman/trainer hold a gun in one hand and a blank check in the other. (We should let him wear one of those padded dog training suits, for safety.)

  41. Jus_Wonderin

    But really, is ONE gun enough? Take out that science book and toss another handgun in the backpack. Replace the SnackPacks with a stick of dynamite. Baby carrots? How bout a gross of tiny orange pipe bombs?

  42. RadioBitchFace

    You know, terrorists were so '00's. We need a new fresh enemy to fuel the Military-Industrial-Socialist complex. What better bogiemen than these kids nowadays?

    GET OFF MY LAWN OR I'LL PUT A CAP IN YOUR LITTLE CODDLED ASSES.

  43. calliecallie

    Forget armed teachers. Arm the school secretaries. They won't take any crap. Of courese, they might START the shooting. They might start shooting parents, actually.

  44. docterry6973

    Should the teacher lay down covering fire while the little tykes rush the shooter, or wait until they get him down and then bust a cap in him, execution-style?

  45. savethispatient

    I'm trying to think of one teacher in my school career that I'd want to be armed. Nope, not one. And for a while I went to the school where my mother taught.

  46. MonkeyMotion

    Given the incredible depth of US stupidity, I'm sensing a real "buy" opportunity in gunmaker stocks!

  47. PinkoPopulist

    I don't know, looks like the smart money is getting out of the gun market under the guise of "taking a stand." Which I'm pretty sure is just the Wall St. way if saying we don't see any profit in this anymore, but we don't want the next guy to know that.

  48. DerrickWildcat

    I've got a gun. I shoot it. I enjoy shooting it. We take out old computers, monitors and large melons out into the country and fuck 'em up good. We have a great time. We don't drink or whatever before, "Blow Shit Up Day." That is a strictly enforced rule. We drink and whatever when we get back and watch the videos. I'm not a gun pussy. I grew up with them. I've hunted with them. I've carried a few in the Army. I have to be aware of them when I go out taking pictures of birds and shit.
    We can talk about our violent society. Talk about our violent Video Games. We can talk about Kids not getting the mental help they need…but there's a common theme…easy access to weapons that are designed to kill a whole lot of people really fucking fast.
    Assault rifles need to be banned now. Then start looking at the bigger picture of prevention.

  49. DahBoner

    "Meanwhile, in Utah, a sixth-grade boy brought a handgun to school because he was worried about being a victim of a Newtown-style shooting, then pointed it in the face of other students, threatening “to kill them if they told the teacher"

    Obviously, middle management material…

  50. Bartleby64

    I am married to a kindergarten teacher. Combat is not part of her skill set. (Probably why I'm still alive.) Arming teachers is stupid beyond belief. Haven't these fools ever met an elementary school teacher? Teachers teach because they want to help people, not fulfill some politician's revenge movie fantasy.

  51. owhatever

    You can have my child's gun when you pry it from the cold, dead fingers of the teacher bitch who tried to take it away.

  52. docterry6973

    It is amazing that all these states decided to do the same thing on the same day. It is almost as if someone, somewhere, had a meeting and decided what the party line would be.

  53. WhatTheHeck

    Dok,
    I looked long and hard at the pic you insisted I look at. My conclusion: Cool cats don’t need guns.

  54. Walkinwiddaking

    Jesus Christ, even in the closing years of the 20th century we had a coherent strategy about the proliferation of nuclear weapons. Here we are in into the second decade of the 21st century and Congressmen are calling for the arming of teachers and college students. Imagine, college students. Binge drinking and firearms, great combination.

  55. shelwood46

    No, this is good. I think every school administrator should put a signup list up for their teachers and staff asking who wants to bring a loaded gun to school. Then fire all the people on that list.

  56. GeorgiaBurning

    Be sure these speeches get posted on YouTube, it will help out next election. Or, when some big corporation is looking for a place to NOT locate a factory.

  57. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "The first person he would probably try to take out was the resource officer. But if he doesn’t know which teacher has training, then he wouldn’t know which one had [a gun],” Niceley said by phone.

    Lemme guess: is it the one with the gun?

  58. Biel_ze_Bubba

    So by the GunTard rationale (I'm gonna trademark that), we want armed guards everywhere kids come together and create a target-rich environment. Pre-school, obviously, and the playground, and the ball field, and scout meetings, and by all means the church choirmaster should have a Bushmaster within reach, just in case.

    The stupidity, it hurts.

  59. Guppy

    he would also require these armed teachers to have equivalent training to that provided to law enforcement officers

    Two, two, TWO jobs for the pay of one!

  60. docterry6973

    Equivalent training to that provided to law enforcement officers.

    Like the one who shot and killed a fellow officer in the locker room at my local police headquarters a couple years back? He said he was sorry, so no problem.

  61. Negropolis

    “These teachers would be trained at the same level as our law enforcement are currently trained,” he said. “They would be trained in target acquisition, in marksmanship. They would be trained in all of the things that our current police officers are trained in.”

    You're going to pay them extra for doing double-duty, right? Of course you aren't.

  62. Isyaignert

    Oh FFS- I remember not that long ago, little kids being expelled for accidentally bringing a GI Joe gun to school.

Comments are closed.