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A Helpful Taxonomy Of Who Should Be Carrying Guns Around Children

we're iffy about asians, but we're open to reasonIn these heady days after a man committed a horrific mass murder of innocent children, it’s easy to think, “We would all be safer if everyone carried around big-ass rifles to protect against crime.”  And it’s easy to think that because you’re a fucking AMERICAN who knows about every citizen’s right to presume that everyone else is trying to kill him.

But there’s a small catch to this.  America has police (for some reason), and they’re licensed to not only carry weapons, but can arrest you!  And not in the cool citizen’s arrest way where you draw on a guy and spout one-liners until a hapless fat cop shows up covered in powdered sugar to fumblingly snap handcuffs on the guy, but in the put you in jail way.  One Arkansas town is taking advantage of this, and is arming all of its officers with AR-15s so they can demand IDs.

“[Police are] going to be in SWAT gear and have AR-15s around their neck,” Stovall said. “If you’re out walking, we’re going to stop you, ask why you’re out walking, check for your ID.”

Stovall said while some people may be offended by the actions of his department, they should not be.

“We’re going to do it to everybody,” he said. “Criminals don’t like being talked to.”


“They may not be doing anything but walking their dog,” he said. “But they’re going to have to prove it.”

I don’t like being talked to, either, but that’s because I’m a lippy minority.  So, since it is Really Very Bad to have police officers trained in the use of firearms walking around with big-ass rifles, it is now incredibly confusing as to who should be armed at all times and who should basically have a safety whistle.  Your Wonkette is here to help you, particularly if you need to know whether to save up for a 12-gauge shotty.

School teachers

Should they be armed with big-ass rifles? Yes.  They must protect our children from rampaging shooters.  They should preferably be armed at all times, because when you’re around emotionally immature, irresponsible young people, you want to be able to shoot whatever marauder they’re all screaming about like he’s fucking Justin Bieber, with murder.

Union Members

Should they be armed with big-ass rifles? Fuck no.  They punched a Fox News guy in the face after he started pushing them.  They’re too violent for polite society.

Black People

Should they be armed with big-ass rifles?  No, but they can teach the rest of us how to hold them sideways like gangsters.

Random Paranoid White People With No Sense Of Proportion And Who Are Way Too Entitled

Should they be armed with big-ass rifles? They should actually be given those Robocop leg holsters and permitted into all public and private spaces at all times.

Police Officers

Should they be armed with big-ass rifles?  Around everyone else but the people in the prior category, yes.

Your Wonkette

Should we be armed with big-ass rifles? Please vote in comments, but only vote yes.

[The Blaze]

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  1. hagajim

    “They may not be doing anything but walking their dog,” he said. “But they’re going to have to prove it.”

    Wouldn't the fact that the dog is on the fucking leash and with them prove it? Jesus what assholes.

    And Yes Wonketteers should carry around big ass rifles, but only if they have a problem relating to people because of their small penii.

    1. Callyson

      Seriously–WTF does this even mean? How the hell am I supposed to "prove" that when I am walking a dog, I am not secretly casing a place or contemplating beating someone up?


      1. SorosBot

        Based on the full article, basically; it looks like they want to demand anyone out after a certain time in certain neighborhoods (and gee, I wonder what skin tone the majority of residents in those neighborhoods have?) prove that they're not casing the place for burglaries or other crime. What the fuck is wrong with people?

        1. sullivanst

          Seriously deficient understanding of SCOTUS precedent surrounding the fourth amendment, and what constitute "specific and articulable facts" which would lead "a man of reasonable caution in the belief" "that the person has committed, is committing or is about to commit a crime"?

          1. CommieLibunatic

            Well, the problem there is that all those words are bigger than "AR-15" and should thus be ignored.

        2. ButthurtWingers2012

          Too much to list…but essentially if the idea is to EASE the level of violence down…this is the butt ass wrong way to do it. So the problem is Americans are endlessly threatened by their neighbors (which is how many shootings occur) and therefore the solution is to…make them…MORE…paranoid? Good call Arkansas, we can all see you'll continue to lead the country in at least four areas: illiteracy (yes, the South rewards on an inverse), missing teeth, cousin-wives and of course, easily preventable shootings caused by small misunderstandings…good show!

      2. Lascauxcaveman

        Ah, well, if you studied philosophy, you would know that Hobbes and Descartes, working independently, each came up with an elegant proof of dog-walking. Both of them rely of course on the acceptance of the legitimacy of "Je pense donc je suis" and proceed logically from there.

        I'm sure the cops of Paragould, AR, are well-versed enough to accept either proof.

      3. Wile E. Quixote

        Well the dog might not be a dog, it might be a couple of really short Mexican guys in a dog costume who are helping you case the place. They do that you know, I read about it in one of those WND articles that Wonkette conveniently provides links to.

      4. MaxUdargo

        Be sure to bring your long-form dog-walking certificate.

        Look, I don't want to make a big deal about this, Wonkette, but the link you provided took me to The Blaze, which wasn't very nice of you. Moreover, the article you linked to at The Blaze was clearly critical of this plan to force random people to prove their innocence at gunpoint, which means I found myself in agreement with the editors of The Blaze, which was very disturbing.

        But the little plastic table on top of this pizza was seeing this headline in the sidebar: "Fox’s Gretchen Carlson Breaks Down Again After Asking Neurosurgeon If the Children Killed in CT Will Remember What Happened ‘in Heaven’."

        Are you people trying to kill me?

      5. Biel_ze_Bubba

        "How the hell am I supposed to "prove" that when I am walking a dog, I am not secretly casing a place or contemplating beating someone up?"

        By being white, doh!

    2. YasserArraFeck

      You better have a plastic bag full of warm dogshit swinging from your clammy paw, otherwise BAM!!

      1. ButthurtWingers2012

        can you fake it with a big bag of bullshit? that way all you have to do is engage Huckabee in conversation for like…5 minutes and you have all the bullshit you'll ever need.

  2. Jus_Wonderin

    “If you’re out walking, we’re going to stop you, ask why you’re out walking, , check for your ID.”

    I wonder what that cute, and eternally upbeat Minneapolis resident, Mary Richards would have to say about this.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        I love that story. If it is the one I am thinking of where the little Martian would change form for everybody it met?

        1. Swampgas_Man

          No, it's the one where they arrest a guy for walking around, because obviously if you're not driving, or sitting on your ass at home watching TV, you're a dangerous nut.

    1. SorosBot

      Well you have to admit, walking is un-American; we drive our fat asses everywhere, even if it's just a block away.

      (Oh and what's the reference; who is Mary Richards?)

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        She could turn the world on with a smile. She is into power walking and throwing her beret in the air at the start of each episode. (I know, its lame).

  3. Lizzietish81

    You know during the Civil War the Confederacy occasionally talked about arming the slaves since they were so outnumbered. Then they remembered that they were fighting a war to keep them as slaves so decided that probably wasn't a good idea.

    1. ButthurtWingers2012

      really? I always figured since the Confederates knew slavery was so good to the slaves they'd arm them and let them defend ole' massa out of pure self interest. At least that's what many Republican officials in Alabama, Mississippi and South Carolina tell me and it's impossible for them to be wrong see because they aren't racist…only Democrats are racists.

        1. ButthurtWingers2012

          By the way…that is one epic level beer gut on your avatar there. A gut that size makes me think maybe it's carrying one of those full-sized Xenomorphs inside like the one at the end of Prometheus…either that or its own microbrewery…

      1. ButthurtWingers2012

        But really if you think about it…aren't all dildos (owned by women, not counting Republican women who claim them to cover for their husbands…BACHMANN!) all hello kitty toys….you know because, okay I'll shut up now.

      1. SorosBot

        Or implant us all with tracking chips! But wait, I think they're already doing that with fluoridated water.

      1. CommieLibunatic

        Like they could afford that. The average citizen (outside the showpiece capitol, at least) are so poor, they're forced to eat grass and use beer bottles as IVs in their hospitals.

  4. MacRaith

    "Prove that you're just out here walking your dog, punk!"
    "Well, there's the dog right there…"
    "That's not good enough!" Blam! Blam!

  5. Terry

    “[Police are] going to be in SWAT gear and have AR-15s around their neck,” Stovall said. “If you’re out walking, we’re going to stop you, ask why you’re out walking, check for your ID.”

    Isn't this pretty much textbook police state?

    1. SorosBot

      It's only a police state if they're asking white people for IDs, that's why it's OK to ask the browns for them in Arizona.

      1. sewollef

        Didn't some moran in a uniform from Alabama arrest a Volkswagen executive who, when stopped could only produce an international drivers' license?

          1. sewollef

            Aah, a Mercedes Benz exec, from Germany. Probably a German to boot [perhaps that should be das boot].

            Carry on.

        1. CommieLibunatic

          And don't forget the Honda guy a week later. Take it away, Jack Hitt:

          A week later, another auto executive was stopped at a police checkpoint, this one from Honda. He was carrying an international driver's license, a passport, and a work permit. But it wasn't enough. The governor, Robert Bentley, freaked out. He held a press conference to let foreign executives know that they were still welcome in Alabama. "People just need to calm down," he said. "Everything's going to be OK."

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Black People? No, but they can teach the rest of us how to hold them sideways like gangsters.

    Sorry, holding sideways only works with handguns. And it doesn't work at all if your intent is to actually hit your target. And I thought it was Hong Kong kung fu movie guys that started this trend…

    1. Rebootably_Joe

      Yes and yes. There was a, umm, "cute" case a few years back where one of those aggressive scam artists in Times Square tried to get into a shootout with the police to disasterous effect, only to have his MAC-10 jam on the third shot because he was an idiot and held it sideways like they do in the movies.

    2. CommieLibunatic

      I've only heard of one scenario where holding a gun sideways is a good idea, and it's not with handguns.

      If you have a big gun like an assault rifle with a huge clip, it makes sense to turn it sideways if you lay down. Makes it easier to aim and reload since you're not bumping into the ground as much.

      Otherwise… well, why don't you explain, Frank?

      1. Mandorlin

        I can imagine one for holding a pistol sideways: You're crouching behind something–a car, e.g.–for cover, and you're holding your hand over the top of the car, blindly returning fire. If you turn the gun sideways, your hand presents less of a target.

        Sure, it ruins your aim, but you were shooting blindly anyway: how much worse could your aim get?

  7. mrpuma2u

    Everyone should have to use clubs if they wanna try and take some one out. Gotta get close enough to hit 'em and get stuff on you. Thom Hartmann on Air America says everyone should be able to have muskets. Bayonets optional.

  8. Wilcoxyz

    Well, they're pretty level-headed and restrained when armed with pepper spray and tasers. So I don't see what could go wrong.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    "Why are you out walking? Don't you have a pickup truck you can drive around? Or a hoverround? With trucknutz? And your dog can ride in the back of the pickup, you don't need to walk it."

  10. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    So how do I prove I am just walking my dog and not up transporting a highly trained ninja terrorist dog assassin in my pajamas?

  11. TootsStansbury

    It might be ok if the fashion police did this but not the fascist police.

    And why did I click the linky to looneyville?

  12. SorosBot

    Try reading the comments; you have people decrying that this is a police state being created – by liberals. Yeah, liberals, in a small town in Arkansas. Right. Oh, and last I checked, LIBERALS OPPOSE POLICE STATE TACTICS WHILE CONSERVATIVES SUPPORT THEM, you morans.

      1. SorosBot

        And liberalism supports whatever you're against; that's why the far-right-wing fascists were actually really liberals, because they were bad, so they must have been liberal, facts be damned.

    1. sullivanst

      Haven't you heard, the Arkansas CLU is the one and only conservative, totally anti-liberal state CLU.

  13. Fare la Volpe

    I bet that nice lady's daughter will have a real blast when she spies mommy's pretty pink Hello Kitty toy in the closet and takes it out to play with it.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    I think everybody should be required to take 8-12 adorable puppies with them at all times, and the adorable puppies should be trained to rush any shooter who comes along. No shooter could possibly withstand the assault of 8-12 adorable puppies.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      And we could give amnesty to the illegals so they could follow us around and pick up all the dogshit.

      1. sewollef

        What time Friday?

        I've got a case of wine being delivered on Thursday, and I don't think I can drink all twelve fucking bottles in 2 days.

        Shit, why didn't somebody tell me? Do I read the wrong newspapers or something?

  15. SexySmurf

    Also people who have a personal score to settle (like their entire family was murdered in front of them so now they have nothing to lose) should carry big-ass rifles, but only if they're able to do cool shit like say witty one-liners while blowing away a scum bag or walking away from an explosion in slow motion.

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      I have it on good authority that in fact it is not the armed militants who are the Nazis, it's the gun-hating liberals trying to take away their freedumz. (source- my oldest friend who is a hateful FB SOB and I'm trying really hard not to ban him, with votes, but he's making it really really difficult)

  16. Rebootably_Joe

    “[Police are] going to be in SWAT gear and have AR-15s around their neck,” Stovall said. “If you’re out walking, we’re going to stop you, ask why you’re out walking, check for your ID.”

    Goddamn. Basil Marceaux was completely wrong about traffic stop slavery. Apparently it's the pedestrians who really need to fucking worry.

    1. sewollef

      Jesus fucking christ…. what buffoon thought up that ad campaign I wonder.

      Why didn't the copywriter just put, "Dick too small? Feeling inferior?" Then you need a Bushmaster AR 15 to set the world straight. Order one today and become a real man!"

  17. StillGoinGreen

    Every criminal I know has an ID – and I know A LOT OF THEM. Now, those little joggy girls in the little, tight panty pants running around my neighborhood – probably no ID. So, SHOOT EM!!

  18. Lazy Media

    No, officer, I'm not walking my dog. I'm just here because I really enjoy interacting with law enforcement. Thanks for asking!

  19. HRH_Maddie

    Why not make all the non-gun owners wear yellow stars? I think that proved an effective system last time it was used.

  20. coolhandnuke

    “They may not be doing anything but walking their dog,” he said. “But they’re going to have to prove it.”

    This a yoyo officer, I'm doing a trick….please don't shoot me.

  21. missannthropethefirst

    It's going to be fun on garbage night when people are going to get interrogated for wheeling their garbage cans to the curb.

  22. Blueb4sinrise

    Teh Power of teh Wonkette. johhnyzhivago single-handedly rushes Cerberus and takes them down

    johnnyzhivago 120p · 17 hours ago
    Hey guess who owns BUSHMASTER???? Well – Dan Qualye for starters!….

    Hopefully these scumbags will get their faces dragged in the mud over this.

    US private equity firm Cerberus is to sell its stake in Freedom Group, owner of gunmaker Bushmaster, following the Newtown school shootings.

    1. Nostrildamus

      Given that guns sales boom for any model involved in a major tragedy, this is probably just profit taking.

  23. gullywompr

    Virginia governor Bob McDonnell was on the radio this morning. The public safety budget for next year includes an increase to build new prisons. As for schools, no extra money, but allowing teachers to carry guns is all good.

    Virginia is going to be a battleground in this fight.

    1. SorosBot

      Considering that they were the ones who started the whole requirement to stick a metal rod up a woman's vagina before she can get an abortion, I don't have a lot of trust in Virginia under its' current leadership.

      1. gullywompr

        Yep. And the guns shows, OH MY GOD the gun shows. Did you know that VA is so restrictive, you can't buy more than 4 handguns per month? Tyranny!

        1. SorosBot

          Well it's not like the ease of getting a gun in Virginia, even for those diagnosed with serious mental illness, has ever directly resulted in a giant tragedy like a murder spree at one of their colleges or anything.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Well the police are trying to add the personal touch to their interactions with the public, which is why they prefer an old fashioned beat down with nightsticks to more modern methods such as tasers, pepper spray or just shooting people. It's part of a move to make police work more artisanal.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      and the military. Some of the guys I was in the Army with are the last people on earth I want to have access to guns.

  24. Wadisay

    “They may not be doing anything but walking their dog,” he said. “But they’re going to have to prove it.”

    Ausweiss. It makes more sense in the original German.

    1. gullywompr

      I heard a congressman from VA say that AR-15s are really just hunting rifles that are made to look badass on the outside, and that hunting rights must be defended at all costs, so you can see where the VA GOP is headed on this. It's going to be trench warfare (with votes, of course).

  25. JustPixelz

    “They may not be doing anything but walking their dog,” he said. “But they’re going to have to prove it.”

    CSI: Paragould
    Detective Earl Harrison: HALT! State your business.
    Mrs. O'Malley (played by Betty White, of course): Just walking my dog, Earl. And how is your lovely wife Louise?
    Harrison: Show me some ID scumbag.
    O'Malley: Goodness, such language. Let me get my license. (reaches in purse)
    Harrison: (aims his AR-15) FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER!!!
    O'Malley: But you asked for my ID. You seem a little tense Earl. Just let me finish walking Doodles. (points to her pekingese)
    Harrison: You assert you are walking your dog. PROVE IT YOU COCKSUCKER.
    O'Malley: (befuddled look) Are you demanding sex from me?
    Harrison: I wouldn't give you the satisfaction you whore
    BANG! Harrison drops to the ground, dead.
    Ms Gibson (played by Tina Fey): I saw this punk threatening your with bodily harm so I stood my ground.
    O'Malley: Thanks. Notice the policemen are dying off around here.
    Gibson: Soon it will be just us girls left.
    O'Malley : (winks) That will be sooo nice.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    I guess if your doggy has already pooped and you bagged it, you would be free to be on your way, provided your ID was legitimate.

  27. docterry6973

    The mayor and police chief did clarify that they would only do this in 'high crime areas'. I wonder what portion of the citizenry lives in those?

  28. SayItWithWookies

    You know what the great state of North Louisiana really needs? A five-day waiting period on ideers. Oh wait, it's been five days already — okay, make it twenty years, just to be safe.

  29. SuspectedDemocrat

    OMFG, the combination of irony and lack of self awareness in the comments is staggering.

    They say they will arrest people for refusing to show ID’s. Does Arkansas law require citizen IDs? This is a violation of rights and an attempt to criminalize all the citizenry.

    Watch their heads explode as they wonder if those darn liberals passed some kind of "show your ID" law while they weren't looking.

  30. LibertyLover

    “They may not be doing anything but walking their dog,” he said. “But they’re going to have to prove it.”

    Perhaps the doggie poo in a bag that I will be carrying might just give them a clue? Perhaps they might offer to do a public service and take said doggie poo away for me?

  31. LibertyLover

    I think I have a problem with teachers carrying guns all the time. I mean, sometimes I forget that I have taken my cell phone in the bathroom with me and I leave my cell phone in the bathroom…and sometimes you might just have to put the gun down and teach something with two hands.

    …and it's would be awfully inconvenient to wear a gun on a rope around their necks.

  32. Botlrokit

    Some have also expressed concern over the officers carrying AR-15s. This, the police department said, is nothing new for some of their officers who already carry such a rifle.

    The article is right… an AR-15 isn't much different than a hunting rifle. But it is intimidating and fearful-looking in close settings, and will turn your head into a pink mist from a distance.

  33. Zango Crudmonger

    I'm a little light on my understanding of Islam, but doesn't it forbid dog ownership? Isn't this just a backdoor method of keeping Muslims indoors at all times?

  34. Botlrokit

    This place needs some serious civil disobedience.

    Should an individual not produce identification, Stovall said his officers would not back down. Individuals who do not produce identification when asked could be charged with obstructing a governmental operation, according to Stovall.

    "I'm hoping we don't run across [any] of that," Stovall said. "Will there be people who buck us? There may be. But we have a right to be doing what we're doing. We have a zero-tolerance. We are prepared to throw your hind-end in jail, OK? We're not going to take a lot of flack."

    Now I want to go to Paragould and go walk around. Just because I fucking can.

  35. Biff

    I have no doubt that this action is intended to stop the George Zimmermans of this world, and not the Trayvon Martins.


  36. YasserArraFeck

    If the NYPD managed to shoot 9 bystanders while taking down one shooter, with pistols, imagine the carnage when a posse of AR15-totin' Arkie goons descend on a hapless dogwalker.

    "Wut kind of a dawg you got there?"
    "It's a Shih-Tzu"
    "You fuckin' disrespectin' me Boy?!" BAM!!!!!

    "Don' you point that dawg at me, Boy!!"
    "But it's a pointer – that's what it doe-" BAM!!!!!

  37. Weenus299

    A BAR would help me relocate kitties stuck in trees, and would also help me to make every day an episode of CSI, NCIS or whatever alphabet show.

  38. Schmegeg

    Busboys. Yes. And you better tip right.

    Movie Attendants. Definitely Yes. When something threatening happens, they can spray bullets around a dark theatre, for Freedom.

    Sunday School Teachers, Salvation Army Santas,. All Disney World Employees. Why ask.

  39. PubOption

    It sounds like it could soon be more hazardous to try to walk home after a few drinks, than it would be if you tried to drive, at least in Paragould.

  40. Cleopatriot

    A lot of teachers, who we should arm, are also union members, who we should not arm.

    How do we solve that?

  41. bravo_sierra

    People who have concealed carry permits commit crimes at a lower rate than police. Which actually makes me feel worse about the whole cops committing crimes thing. But sure, let's give them bigger guns and more authority to harass people without cause.

  42. BlueStateLibel

    So, the very thing wingnuts hate and fear the most, a police state, they are actively working to bring to reality.

    Also, how does one "prove" one is walking their dog when they are in fact walking their dog?

  43. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Wonkette should be armed, but only with a sexy clutch piece around its (her? his? their?) ankle. I promise I won't tell anyone about the Glock you already have tucked into the small of your back.

  44. rickmaci

    Is there going to be a Wonkette Bushmaster AR-14 for sale in the Wonkette on line panty store? 69 round clip?

  45. nylund

    The "funny" thing about the "black people" entry is the truth behind it. It was only after the Black Panthers started following the police around while carrying loaded shotguns that California decided to make it illegal for private citizens to walk around in public with loaded weapons. It was signed into state law by then-Governor Ronald Reagan. I can't find the interview right now, but when he talked to reporters about it right after signing the Mulford Act into law, he said something along the lines of, "There is no reason why a sensible person would ever need to carry a loaded weapon in public," and something about how civilized people don't rely on guns.

    Now when it came to white people? Reagan was little more "pro 2nd ammendment." (although he supported the Brady Bill).

  46. HarryButtle

    "Officers will be working to identify residents in the affected area so that we can better serve our affected neighborhoods. Most often, this identification process will be nothing more than making contact with a subject, handing them a business card, and asking if they live in the area and if there’s anything we can do for them."

    Hey, rednecks! This used to be called community policing and it generally works better if you aren’t in full riot gear, toting a fucking machine gun and being all confrontational and demanding ID from people who are obviously out walking their fucking dogs!

  47. chascates

    I'd like to see a report of how often police officers (highly trained and experienced) empty their Glocks or Berettas into someone. Generally they keep blastin' away until they're out of 'patriot petals'.

    The Sturm Ruger company makes a large array of rifles, handguns, and a few shotguns. They're noted for their 'No. 1' rifle, a single-shot used for hunting and target shooting. Because one well-placed shot usually seals the deal. They also are famous for the Mini-14, a plinking/target/predator rifle, which accepts a clip that can range up to 40 rounds or even a bizarre looking device that holds 100 rounds of its .223 cartridge. Because you have to cater to the marketplace.

  48. mustangsavvy

    Yes! Rifles for everyone! Mexican stand-off at my place – I'll bring the chips and salsa, you bring the carnage!

    (Seriously, I am really hating America right now. Sorry Yankees but this Aussie is really missing her home country today)

  49. Gayer_Than_Thou

    It'll be totes glamorous — just like in Casablanca! We'll all be looking for letters of transit and stuff. I can't wait.

  50. MrDorkbutt

    I am already carrying around a big-ass gun, but if I pull it out, I get put (back) on the sex offender list.

    Aw yeah.

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