FLOTUS FILES  11:00 am December 19, 2012

Michelle Obama Becomes Transsexual Magazine Star, As Mayans Probably Predicted

by Blair Burke

lookin' goodYou are of course familiar with Candy magazine, America’s first and most beloved “transversal style” periodical. (Not to be confused with Candy magazine, the magazine dedicated to Filipino youth.) Previous Candy covers have featured James Franco and Chloe Sevigny in drag because hey, why not? Those people are super boring, though, compared to this month, which stars our famous FLOTUS, Michelle Obama! No, not actual Michelle Obama, although we must acknowledge the excellent wardrobe (note sleevelessness!). The cover reads, “THE CANDYDATE,” so we guess Michelle Obama is running for office and didn’t bother to tell anyone except our nation’s first transsexual magazine.

They say that being represented by a famous transsexual model is the sincerest form of flattery!

Brad Goreski, who styled trans model and ’90s “It” girl Connie Fleming for the shoot, channeled all-around amazing person who we’d like to be one day/political fashion icon Michelle Obama, hitting the usual marks — the structured, elegant dresses which show off her arms as well as her perfectly coiffed hair — while serving some over-the-top patriotic realness.

We noticed that she is being “sworn in” by someone wearing some sort of lumberjack shirt, so it’s even more exciting to wonder what political office Transsexual Michelle Obama is taking over now.

Candy publisher Luis Venegas told Dazed Digital (via the Fader) that he’d actually wanted to do this cover since the 2007 presidential election, when a black candidate and a female candidate were called “controversial” nominees. Reflecting on the future of politics, Venegas asks: “When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?’”

Not to worry, Luis Venegas! We are with you, Mr. Venegas! But we’ll probably want to start electing some non-felon transgender people to lower offices first.

[Papermag]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 117 comments }

UnholyMoses December 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

We noticed that she is being “sworn in” by someone wearing some sort of lumberjack shirt, so it’s even more exciting to wonder what political office Transsexual Michelle Obama is taking over now.

Queen of a Subaru dealership?

Lizzietish81 December 19, 2012 at 11:07 am

Clearly that's a lesbian holding the Bible, which means that the country has been taken over by the Queers.

I for one welcome our fabulous new overlords.

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

Fabulous =/= flannel, I'm afraid

Lizzietish81 December 19, 2012 at 11:10 am

pfft, that's cause you're doing it wrong

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 11:13 am

I'm not about to Bedazzle my flannel.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

Hmm. Never seen that used as an inequality sign.

Try <> or != instead.

…your friendly Wonkette programming syntax brigade.

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 11:15 am

Say, you sound like one them "scientitians"…

Lot_49 December 19, 2012 at 11:47 am

≠ ≠ ≠ ≠ ≠ ≠ ≠ ≠

The "insert symbol" menu in MS Word has many, many typo funzies.

Lot_49 December 19, 2012 at 11:46 am

Here: ≠
Save it in your html text file.

Do I have to do all the typographical heavy lifting around here? Hardly leaves any time for das Buttßechs.

chicken_thief December 19, 2012 at 11:12 am

Fuck me. Now I have to start shopping at LL Bean.

prommie December 19, 2012 at 11:33 am

Subaru did some market analysis a few years back, to try to figure out how to increase their market share, but in the end they concluded that there just weren't that many more lesbians in the US.

Chet Kincaid_ December 19, 2012 at 11:41 am

I owned a Subaru Outback for 13 years, and I'm not a lesbian, last time I checked. From what I've seen, Subaru's are mostly owned by U of C-associated yuppies and academics in Hyde Park, and silver-haired old couples in the hinterlands of the midwest, on the Interstates.

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 11:49 am

I went up to Maine this past summer and I swear that every third new car dealer I saw was a Subaru dealer, and it seemed like 30 or 40% of the cars with Maine tags were Subarus. I guess they're pretty good for driving in shit climates. However, down here in South TX where there are 5 or 8 bad-driving-weather days per year, they really are popular among the lesbian wimmen. I think they even come with the rainbow sticker and "=" bumper stickers from the dealers.

smokefilledroommate December 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

don't forget the ☪☮e✡i☯✞ sticker.. (thanks wingdings!)

not that Dewey December 19, 2012 at 12:08 pm

You wouldn't believe how many freakin' geology professors around here drive those things. You'd almost think they had some utility beyond making a fashion statement with an automobile.

gullywompr December 19, 2012 at 11:44 am

They should use Clint Howard in their commercials. That ought to at least get some of them off the fence.

UnholyMoses December 19, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I would LOVE to have me a WRX, but they're either too damn expensive, or were driven into the ground by some teenage tuner douchebag.

So … Volvo it is, then! (Unless I can find a Caddy CTS-V coupe that was driven by someone's grandma and only to church. Then that.)

Chet Kincaid_ December 19, 2012 at 12:13 pm

When the Outback crapped out last year, I bought a used Volvo V70. Volvos are just Subarus with a 75% surcharge for Urpeen Socializm, so I couldn't afford a new one. EDIT: Actually, Volvo is owned by — you guessed it — the Chinese now.

ManchuCandidate December 19, 2012 at 11:04 am

For whatever reason, the GOPers will always feel like they're in the "Crying Game."

Fairtackle December 19, 2012 at 11:04 am

Michelle has better guns.

I<3Radio December 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

She also grew some nice melons.

Biff December 19, 2012 at 12:17 pm

This gun control issue has gotten out of hand.

Fare la Volpe December 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Yeah, but the model has a better rifle.

snowpointsecret December 19, 2012 at 11:05 am

Clearly she's running for governor of Vermont with that shirt. Though to be fair, Vermont's still nicer than many states.

Edit: I think that's a dress now that I look more closely.

chicken_thief December 19, 2012 at 11:15 am

Why I like Vermont.

~ by Chicken-Thief

Micro-breweries. And micro-breweries. And also, too, micro-breweries.

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 11:22 am

BEN & JERRY'S LIBEL!

Lizzietish81 December 19, 2012 at 11:05 am

Someone should get that model an appointment with Tyra so she can teacher her smizing.

Or at least not looking so dead in the eyes.

Beowoof December 19, 2012 at 11:07 am

Oh no, now Michelle will be getting hit on by lots of republicans that like a lady with a surprise.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 11:07 am

Hey, my dad wore flannel shirts like the swearing in person all the time, and he was no lumberjack! Although he did have fun with a chainsaw now and then…

chicken_thief December 19, 2012 at 11:16 am

Your dad was Jesse James Dupree?!

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

Dupree? From the 8063?You made me laugh. If you knew what my old man looked like…

chicken_thief December 19, 2012 at 11:31 am

JJ Dupree, frontman from Jackyl. I no be knowin nuffin bout no "the 8063".

bikerlaureate December 19, 2012 at 11:19 am

There's a Monty Python "lumberjack sketch" joke hiding somewhere around here…

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

This is a transsexual mag, though? Would bringing up transvestites be bad form?

bikerlaureate December 19, 2012 at 11:54 am

I'm sorry to say I didn't even think it through that far.

Saw you use the l-word and my love for all things Cleese overran any last traces of common sense.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I don't know one way or the other, but I can understand your enthusiasm.

flipdraw December 19, 2012 at 11:08 am

I think the cover girl is just a little too cheekbone-contoured as compared to our beloved FLOTUS.

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 11:08 am

Do I detect a surplus of botox in those lushus lipz?

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 11:08 am

She looks more like Patrick Ewing, to be honest

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 11:13 am

What, her team never won the NBA championship?

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 11:15 am

She got elbowed out of the paint by Hakeema Olajuwon

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 11:20 am

I'd give you a 3 pointer for that. Well played.

snowpointsecret December 19, 2012 at 11:15 am

That line reminds me of this: http://youtu.be/dX_1B0w7Hzc

Warning that it's a joke "rap battle", Barack Obama vs Mitt Romney with a special guest later on in there. Probably not for everybody but hilarious to me at least.

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 11:16 am

Isn't that the guy that shot JR?

Chet Kincaid_ December 19, 2012 at 11:52 am

I'm seeing more Carl Lewis.

Lizzietish81 December 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

Pussy, my dad took apart a fallen three with no shirt on, using a machete.

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 11:12 am

Your dad's Danny Trejo?

Lizzietish81 December 19, 2012 at 11:14 am

If Danny Trejo was pale white with a bit of a flab suddenly, sure.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 11:13 am

My dad could out-garden your dad with one hand tied behind his back! Of course, I'd have to dig him up first…

Come here a minute December 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

My version of Candy magazine features hot centerfolds of Snickers and M&M's.

Lizzietish81 December 19, 2012 at 11:10 am

mmmmmmReece's…show me your peanut butter baby…

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

BowchickaNOMNOM

noodlesalad December 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

Not terribly unrelated, and funny, in the Philippines, a woman is called a "pina" (Phillipino men are pinoys). So there are all these hilarious tourist shirts which say "I LOVE PINAS." I bought like 30 on one visit for all of my friends who never wear them. I guess they would be appropriate for either Candy Magazine.

DahBoner December 19, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I once had a shirt that said "I want a Japanese Girlfriend" in Japanese. Lots of blank stares from Japanese men….

Gratuitous World December 19, 2012 at 11:10 am

A long way to go to beat out Lindsey Graham – Candydate of the Year 1998-2003; 2005-2011

chicken_thief December 19, 2012 at 11:23 am

Marcus is feeling so left out right about now.

elviouslyqueer December 19, 2012 at 11:10 am

“When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?’”

Oooh! OOOH! *waves hands frantically* I know the answer to this one!

christianmuslin December 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

You, sir, are the man.

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 11:10 am

Lola for President?

That's L-O-L-A Lola.

Aridzona December 19, 2012 at 11:19 am

Kinks reference is soooo apropos for this post. Ray Davies is smiling.

UnholyMoses December 19, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Well, girls will be boys and boys will be girls. It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world …

Toomush_Infer December 19, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Not sure he's not the world's most passionate guy…

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

"Our nation's first transsexual magazine?" Sounds like someone's never heard of Ministry Today.

PugglesRule December 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

I never heard of Ministry Today. Apparently it has to do with churches. Not sure what this has to do with transsexuals?

SayItWithWookies December 19, 2012 at 11:45 am

You're right — clergy have never been known to look like freaks in petticoats. I don't know what I was thinking.

Fuck Toad December 19, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I think it's insulting to trans people to compare them to the clergy. Shame on you.

BaldarTFlagass December 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

“When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?’”

Maybe a black transsexual woman can be Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho's running mate.

Lizzietish81 December 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

Rupaul for President!

elviouslyqueer December 19, 2012 at 11:18 am

And Sharron Needles as Veep, hunty!

JustPixelz December 19, 2012 at 11:12 am

Venegas asks: “When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?’”

According to James Corsi at WND, the answer is Jan 21 2009.

Tommmcatt_Again December 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

Lies! True Corsi fans know that the so-called "president" isn't really black…

chicken_thief December 19, 2012 at 11:26 am

Oily Taint is the one more likely to have his hand on the pulse of what's happening with this particular group.

Gayer_Than_Thou December 19, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I will never stop giggling when I read "Oily Taint."

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

Well of course she's being sworn in by a lumberjack; after all, you know what they do. They are lumberjacks and they're OK; they sleep all night and they work all day, they cut down trees, they skip and jump, they like to press wild flowers; they put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars.

Toomush_Infer December 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Also, they don't care….

freakishlywrong December 19, 2012 at 11:23 am

She is history's greatest transsexual monster.

I<3Radio December 19, 2012 at 11:25 am

So, is she a giver or a taker?

Tio_Doidinho December 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

All of 'em, Katie!

SorosBot December 19, 2012 at 11:26 am

Author unknown? That was Ralph Wiggum you Philistine!

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 11:46 am

Well, now I know!

gullywompr December 19, 2012 at 11:27 am

I'm confused.

Baconzgood December 19, 2012 at 11:28 am

Its a man baby.

-international Man of Mystery-

HRH_Maddie December 19, 2012 at 11:29 am

Cue Fox News reporting that Michelle Obama is a transsexual in 3…2…1…

prommie December 19, 2012 at 11:31 am

The fundamental thing about this first lady, once you get past the 5 seconds of attention that her muscular arms are worth (just enough time to say "hey, she has muscular arms," unless you like to show off your slang skills, and you just keep on saying over and over whenever she appears "look at those guns") is that she is utterly and completely un-interesting. I just could not give less of a shit, about anything she does or anything about her.

Lizzietish81 December 19, 2012 at 11:40 am

She's an absolute blast compared to Bush's Stepford Wife.

prommie December 19, 2012 at 11:48 am

Nah, she is too normal to be as interesting as Bush's bizarre wierdo wife was. With Bush's wife you could always speculate what drugs she was on, how she got away with killing that boyfriend, whether she ever regretted selling her soul to the devil and becoming part of the Bush crime family, etc. etc.

Blueb4sinrise December 19, 2012 at 11:46 am

guns, magazine……….can't we take a day off from that stuff.

Chet Kincaid_ December 19, 2012 at 11:55 am

Oh, you.

TavariousChinaSmith December 19, 2012 at 11:58 am

I was so incensed by your trashing of MO that I went and found a "50 things you didn't know about her" listicle. Check it:

23. She watches reruns of The Dick Van Dyke Show.
24. For breakfast she likes fruit, eggs and bacon.

Ha, "un-interesting" you say! Ball's in your court, Prommie!

prommie December 19, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Wow, that shit's fascinating, now I see what all the hype is about!

TavariousChinaSmith December 19, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Oh, I could go on…

Chet Kincaid_ December 19, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Michelle, the FLOTUS, danced in a video with Beyonce, and did push-ups with Bishop Tutu [corrected]. I rest my case.

christianmuslin December 19, 2012 at 11:39 am

The world's first transexual magazine, which stores carry them? I know, all of them Katie.

DahBoner December 19, 2012 at 11:41 am

"We noticed that she is being “sworn in” by someone wearing some sort of lumberjack shirt…"

With jeans with no knees in them? The 90's are officially "retro".

HELLO OLD PEOPLE!

TootsStansbury December 19, 2012 at 11:44 am

Those eyes. Looks more like one L.

mavenmaven December 19, 2012 at 11:45 am

Until now I thought Condi Rice was the highest ranking black transsexual woman.

ttommyunger December 19, 2012 at 11:56 am

Meh! I got nothin.

Chet Kincaid_ December 19, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Respectfully, the FLOTUS has too fulsome a caboose to be accurately portrayed by any drag queen — and that's the way I like it!

GoodDogThor December 19, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Candy publisher Luis Venegas told Dazed Digital (via the Fader)…

Ummm, wut?

Fuck Toad December 19, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Who are any of these people

Toomush_Infer December 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Aren't there any transgender folks that look more like Boehner?…what's so fabulous about a reversed scrotum?…

TribecaMike December 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Can we do that "2007 presidential election" over again, cuz I missed it.

Angry_Marmot December 19, 2012 at 7:53 pm

And where do you hide your candy?

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 11:19 am

I am the English department's worst nightmare! I'm a scientist who can write well!

Oblios_Cap December 19, 2012 at 11:22 am

=/= is pretty much how I have always written it longhand. Don't let them IT types intimidate you.

elviouslyqueer December 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

Unpossible!

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 11:26 am

Exactly. Two of my favorites:”Me fail English? That's unpossible!” -author unknown”You got a question for Mr. Language Person?” – Dave Barry

actor212 December 19, 2012 at 11:29 am

I wasn't about to start! :-)

gullywompr December 19, 2012 at 11:39 am

Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I'm sure it does, but I don't use Word to edit code- I'm pretty sure nobody does. Has to be from the ascii character set.”ascii shall receive”

Gayer_Than_Thou December 19, 2012 at 12:09 pm

You'll Bedazzle your flannel, or you'll be sent to re-education camp. A fabulous re-education camp, where you'll learn all the lyrics to every Donna Summer song ever.

qwerty42 December 19, 2012 at 12:34 pm

ASCII????

no UTF? at least EBCDIC is defined for 256

Lot_49 December 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I don't use it either; I just clipboard the characters into an ascii file I keep on the desktop. There're probably better ways.

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Hey, I program on a mac, and they're all cool with Unicode, but for string literals you have to use ascii, so \u2012 if you want to go for the full set. Lowest common denominator…a bit lame, if you ask me.Also, if you're writing code, what would you use for an inequality operator?

qwerty42 December 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Well, back in the days of 327x stuff, you could use ¬= … I believe this is not so standardized; I have seen ^=, !=, <> and others. Oh yeah ne …

glasspusher December 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

The first thing I programmed on, low in the old days of 1978, took <> as an inequality operator. I don't know what machine it was. It didn't have a screen, only a teletype printer. Most stuff I do these days uses !=.

qwerty42 December 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

well, cripes. I was going to put
Wovon man nicht sprechen kann, darüber muss man schweigen.
in one of those fraktur fonts (unicode) but it won't display that way. darn.

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