flotus files

Michelle Obama Becomes Transsexual Magazine Star, As Mayans Probably Predicted

lookin' goodYou are of course familiar with Candy magazine, America’s first and most beloved “transversal style” periodical. (Not to be confused with Candy magazine, the magazine dedicated to Filipino youth.) Previous Candy covers have featured James Franco and Chloe Sevigny in drag because hey, why not? Those people are super boring, though, compared to this month, which stars our famous FLOTUS, Michelle Obama! No, not actual Michelle Obama, although we must acknowledge the excellent wardrobe (note sleevelessness!). The cover reads, “THE CANDYDATE,” so we guess Michelle Obama is running for office and didn’t bother to tell anyone except our nation’s first transsexual magazine.

They say that being represented by a famous transsexual model is the sincerest form of flattery!

Brad Goreski, who styled trans model and ’90s “It” girl Connie Fleming for the shoot, channeled all-around amazing person who we’d like to be one day/political fashion icon Michelle Obama, hitting the usual marks — the structured, elegant dresses which show off her arms as well as her perfectly coiffed hair — while serving some over-the-top patriotic realness.

We noticed that she is being “sworn in” by someone wearing some sort of lumberjack shirt, so it’s even more exciting to wonder what political office Transsexual Michelle Obama is taking over now.

Candy publisher Luis Venegas told Dazed Digital (via the Fader) that he’d actually wanted to do this cover since the 2007 presidential election, when a black candidate and a female candidate were called “controversial” nominees. Reflecting on the future of politics, Venegas asks: “When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?'”

Not to worry, Luis Venegas! We are with you, Mr. Venegas! But we’ll probably want to start electing some non-felon transgender people to lower offices first.


About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke
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  1. UnholyMoses

    We noticed that she is being “sworn in” by someone wearing some sort of lumberjack shirt, so it’s even more exciting to wonder what political office Transsexual Michelle Obama is taking over now.

    Queen of a Subaru dealership?

    1. Lizzietish81

      Clearly that's a lesbian holding the Bible, which means that the country has been taken over by the Queers.

      I for one welcome our fabulous new overlords.

          1. Gayer_Than_Thou

            You'll Bedazzle your flannel, or you'll be sent to re-education camp. A fabulous re-education camp, where you'll learn all the lyrics to every Donna Summer song ever.

        1. glasspusher

          Hmm. Never seen that used as an inequality sign.

          Try <> or != instead.

          …your friendly Wonkette programming syntax brigade.

          1. glasspusher

            Exactly. Two of my favorites:”Me fail English? That's unpossible!” -author unknown”You got a question for Mr. Language Person?” – Dave Barry

          2. glasspusher

            I'm sure it does, but I don't use Word to edit code- I'm pretty sure nobody does. Has to be from the ascii character set.”ascii shall receive”

          3. glasspusher

            Hey, I program on a mac, and they're all cool with Unicode, but for string literals you have to use ascii, so \u2012 if you want to go for the full set. Lowest common denominator…a bit lame, if you ask me.Also, if you're writing code, what would you use for an inequality operator?

          4. qwerty42

            Well, back in the days of 327x stuff, you could use ¬= … I believe this is not so standardized; I have seen ^=, !=, <> and others. Oh yeah ne …

          5. glasspusher

            The first thing I programmed on, low in the old days of 1978, took <> as an inequality operator. I don't know what machine it was. It didn't have a screen, only a teletype printer. Most stuff I do these days uses !=.

          6. Lot_49

            I don't use it either; I just clipboard the characters into an ascii file I keep on the desktop. There're probably better ways.

        2. Lot_49

          Here: ≠
          Save it in your html text file.

          Do I have to do all the typographical heavy lifting around here? Hardly leaves any time for das Buttßechs.

    2. prommie

      Subaru did some market analysis a few years back, to try to figure out how to increase their market share, but in the end they concluded that there just weren't that many more lesbians in the US.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        I owned a Subaru Outback for 13 years, and I'm not a lesbian, last time I checked. From what I've seen, Subaru's are mostly owned by U of C-associated yuppies and academics in Hyde Park, and silver-haired old couples in the hinterlands of the midwest, on the Interstates.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          I went up to Maine this past summer and I swear that every third new car dealer I saw was a Subaru dealer, and it seemed like 30 or 40% of the cars with Maine tags were Subarus. I guess they're pretty good for driving in shit climates. However, down here in South TX where there are 5 or 8 bad-driving-weather days per year, they really are popular among the lesbian wimmen. I think they even come with the rainbow sticker and "=" bumper stickers from the dealers.

          1. qwerty42

            well, cripes. I was going to put
            Wovon man nicht sprechen kann, darüber muss man schweigen.
            in one of those fraktur fonts (unicode) but it won't display that way. darn.

        2. not that Dewey

          You wouldn't believe how many freakin' geology professors around here drive those things. You'd almost think they had some utility beyond making a fashion statement with an automobile.

      2. gullywompr

        They should use Clint Howard in their commercials. That ought to at least get some of them off the fence.

      3. UnholyMoses

        I would LOVE to have me a WRX, but they're either too damn expensive, or were driven into the ground by some teenage tuner douchebag.

        So … Volvo it is, then! (Unless I can find a Caddy CTS-V coupe that was driven by someone's grandma and only to church. Then that.)

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          When the Outback crapped out last year, I bought a used Volvo V70. Volvos are just Subarus with a 75% surcharge for Urpeen Socializm, so I couldn't afford a new one. EDIT: Actually, Volvo is owned by — you guessed it — the Chinese now.

  2. snowpointsecret

    Clearly she's running for governor of Vermont with that shirt. Though to be fair, Vermont's still nicer than many states.

    Edit: I think that's a dress now that I look more closely.

    1. chicken_thief

      Why I like Vermont.

      ~ by Chicken-Thief

      Micro-breweries. And micro-breweries. And also, too, micro-breweries.

  3. Lizzietish81

    Someone should get that model an appointment with Tyra so she can teacher her smizing.

    Or at least not looking so dead in the eyes.

  4. glasspusher

    Hey, my dad wore flannel shirts like the swearing in person all the time, and he was no lumberjack! Although he did have fun with a chainsaw now and then…

        1. bikerlaureate

          I'm sorry to say I didn't even think it through that far.

          Saw you use the l-word and my love for all things Cleese overran any last traces of common sense.

    1. glasspusher

      My dad could out-garden your dad with one hand tied behind his back! Of course, I'd have to dig him up first…

  5. noodlesalad

    Not terribly unrelated, and funny, in the Philippines, a woman is called a "pina" (Phillipino men are pinoys). So there are all these hilarious tourist shirts which say "I LOVE PINAS." I bought like 30 on one visit for all of my friends who never wear them. I guess they would be appropriate for either Candy Magazine.

    1. DahBoner

      I once had a shirt that said "I want a Japanese Girlfriend" in Japanese. Lots of blank stares from Japanese men….

  6. elviouslyqueer

    “When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?’”

    Oooh! OOOH! *waves hands frantically* I know the answer to this one!

    1. PugglesRule

      I never heard of Ministry Today. Apparently it has to do with churches. Not sure what this has to do with transsexuals?

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    “When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?’”

    Maybe a black transsexual woman can be Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho's running mate.

  8. JustPixelz

    Venegas asks: “When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?’”

    According to James Corsi at WND, the answer is Jan 21 2009.

    1. chicken_thief

      Oily Taint is the one more likely to have his hand on the pulse of what's happening with this particular group.

  9. SorosBot

    Well of course she's being sworn in by a lumberjack; after all, you know what they do. They are lumberjacks and they're OK; they sleep all night and they work all day, they cut down trees, they skip and jump, they like to press wild flowers; they put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars.

  10. prommie

    The fundamental thing about this first lady, once you get past the 5 seconds of attention that her muscular arms are worth (just enough time to say "hey, she has muscular arms," unless you like to show off your slang skills, and you just keep on saying over and over whenever she appears "look at those guns") is that she is utterly and completely un-interesting. I just could not give less of a shit, about anything she does or anything about her.

      1. prommie

        Nah, she is too normal to be as interesting as Bush's bizarre wierdo wife was. With Bush's wife you could always speculate what drugs she was on, how she got away with killing that boyfriend, whether she ever regretted selling her soul to the devil and becoming part of the Bush crime family, etc. etc.

    1. TavariousChinaSmith

      I was so incensed by your trashing of MO that I went and found a "50 things you didn't know about her" listicle. Check it:

      23. She watches reruns of The Dick Van Dyke Show.
      24. For breakfast she likes fruit, eggs and bacon.

      Ha, "un-interesting" you say! Ball's in your court, Prommie!

  11. DahBoner

    "We noticed that she is being “sworn in” by someone wearing some sort of lumberjack shirt…"

    With jeans with no knees in them? The 90's are officially "retro".


  12. Toomush_Infer

    Aren't there any transgender folks that look more like Boehner?…what's so fabulous about a reversed scrotum?…

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