flotus files

Michelle Obama Becomes Transsexual Magazine Star, As Mayans Probably Predicted

lookin' goodYou are of course familiar with Candy magazine, America’s first and most beloved “transversal style” periodical. (Not to be confused with Candy magazine, the magazine dedicated to Filipino youth.) Previous Candy covers have featured James Franco and Chloe Sevigny in drag because hey, why not? Those people are super boring, though, compared to this month, which stars our famous FLOTUS, Michelle Obama! No, not actual Michelle Obama, although we must acknowledge the excellent wardrobe (note sleevelessness!). The cover reads, “THE CANDYDATE,” so we guess Michelle Obama is running for office and didn’t bother to tell anyone except our nation’s first transsexual magazine.

They say that being represented by a famous transsexual model is the sincerest form of flattery!

Brad Goreski, who styled trans model and ’90s “It” girl Connie Fleming for the shoot, channeled all-around amazing person who we’d like to be one day/political fashion icon Michelle Obama, hitting the usual marks — the structured, elegant dresses which show off her arms as well as her perfectly coiffed hair — while serving some over-the-top patriotic realness.

We noticed that she is being “sworn in” by someone wearing some sort of lumberjack shirt, so it’s even more exciting to wonder what political office Transsexual Michelle Obama is taking over now.

Candy publisher Luis Venegas told Dazed Digital (via the Fader) that he’d actually wanted to do this cover since the 2007 presidential election, when a black candidate and a female candidate were called “controversial” nominees. Reflecting on the future of politics, Venegas asks: “When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?'”

Not to worry, Luis Venegas! We are with you, Mr. Venegas! But we’ll probably want to start electing some non-felon transgender people to lower offices first.

[Papermag]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

Comments

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  • UnholyMoses

    We noticed that she is being “sworn in” by someone wearing some sort of lumberjack shirt, so it’s even more exciting to wonder what political office Transsexual Michelle Obama is taking over now.

    Queen of a Subaru dealership?

    • Lizzietish81

      Clearly that's a lesbian holding the Bible, which means that the country has been taken over by the Queers.

      I for one welcome our fabulous new overlords.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Fabulous =/= flannel, I'm afraid

        • Lizzietish81

          pfft, that's cause you're doing it wrong

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I'm not about to Bedazzle my flannel.

          • Gayer_Than_Thou

            You'll Bedazzle your flannel, or you'll be sent to re-education camp. A fabulous re-education camp, where you'll learn all the lyrics to every Donna Summer song ever.

        • glasspusher

          Hmm. Never seen that used as an inequality sign.

          Try <> or != instead.

          …your friendly Wonkette programming syntax brigade.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Say, you sound like one them "scientitians"…

          • glasspusher

            I am the English department's worst nightmare! I'm a scientist who can write well!

          • elviouslyqueer

            Unpossible!

          • glasspusher

            Exactly. Two of my favorites:”Me fail English? That's unpossible!” -author unknown”You got a question for Mr. Language Person?” – Dave Barry

          • Oblios_Cap

            =/= is pretty much how I have always written it longhand. Don't let them IT types intimidate you.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I wasn't about to start! :-)

          • gullywompr

            Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

          • Lot_49

            ≠ ≠ ≠ ≠ ≠ ≠ ≠ ≠

            The "insert symbol" menu in MS Word has many, many typo funzies.

          • glasspusher

            I'm sure it does, but I don't use Word to edit code- I'm pretty sure nobody does. Has to be from the ascii character set.”ascii shall receive”

          • qwerty42

            ASCII????

            no UTF? at least EBCDIC is defined for 256

          • glasspusher

            Hey, I program on a mac, and they're all cool with Unicode, but for string literals you have to use ascii, so \u2012 if you want to go for the full set. Lowest common denominator…a bit lame, if you ask me.Also, if you're writing code, what would you use for an inequality operator?

          • qwerty42

            Well, back in the days of 327x stuff, you could use ¬= … I believe this is not so standardized; I have seen ^=, !=, <> and others. Oh yeah ne …

          • glasspusher

            The first thing I programmed on, low in the old days of 1978, took <> as an inequality operator. I don't know what machine it was. It didn't have a screen, only a teletype printer. Most stuff I do these days uses !=.

          • Lot_49

            I don't use it either; I just clipboard the characters into an ascii file I keep on the desktop. There're probably better ways.

        • Lot_49

          Here: ≠
          Save it in your html text file.

          Do I have to do all the typographical heavy lifting around here? Hardly leaves any time for das Buttßechs.

      • chicken_thief

        Fuck me. Now I have to start shopping at LL Bean.

    • prommie

      Subaru did some market analysis a few years back, to try to figure out how to increase their market share, but in the end they concluded that there just weren't that many more lesbians in the US.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        I owned a Subaru Outback for 13 years, and I'm not a lesbian, last time I checked. From what I've seen, Subaru's are mostly owned by U of C-associated yuppies and academics in Hyde Park, and silver-haired old couples in the hinterlands of the midwest, on the Interstates.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I went up to Maine this past summer and I swear that every third new car dealer I saw was a Subaru dealer, and it seemed like 30 or 40% of the cars with Maine tags were Subarus. I guess they're pretty good for driving in shit climates. However, down here in South TX where there are 5 or 8 bad-driving-weather days per year, they really are popular among the lesbian wimmen. I think they even come with the rainbow sticker and "=" bumper stickers from the dealers.

          • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

            don't forget the ☪☮e✡i☯✞ sticker.. (thanks wingdings!)

          • qwerty42

            well, cripes. I was going to put
            Wovon man nicht sprechen kann, darüber muss man schweigen.
            in one of those fraktur fonts (unicode) but it won't display that way. darn.

        • not that Dewey

          You wouldn't believe how many freakin' geology professors around here drive those things. You'd almost think they had some utility beyond making a fashion statement with an automobile.

      • gullywompr

        They should use Clint Howard in their commercials. That ought to at least get some of them off the fence.

      • UnholyMoses

        I would LOVE to have me a WRX, but they're either too damn expensive, or were driven into the ground by some teenage tuner douchebag.

        So … Volvo it is, then! (Unless I can find a Caddy CTS-V coupe that was driven by someone's grandma and only to church. Then that.)

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          When the Outback crapped out last year, I bought a used Volvo V70. Volvos are just Subarus with a 75% surcharge for Urpeen Socializm, so I couldn't afford a new one. EDIT: Actually, Volvo is owned by — you guessed it — the Chinese now.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    For whatever reason, the GOPers will always feel like they're in the "Crying Game."

  • Fairtackle

    Michelle has better guns.

    • I<3Radio

      She also grew some nice melons.

    • Biff

      This gun control issue has gotten out of hand.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Yeah, but the model has a better rifle.

  • snowpointsecret

    Clearly she's running for governor of Vermont with that shirt. Though to be fair, Vermont's still nicer than many states.

    Edit: I think that's a dress now that I look more closely.

    • chicken_thief

      Why I like Vermont.

      ~ by Chicken-Thief

      Micro-breweries. And micro-breweries. And also, too, micro-breweries.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        BEN & JERRY'S LIBEL!

  • Lizzietish81

    Someone should get that model an appointment with Tyra so she can teacher her smizing.

    Or at least not looking so dead in the eyes.

  • Beowoof

    Oh no, now Michelle will be getting hit on by lots of republicans that like a lady with a surprise.

  • glasspusher

    Hey, my dad wore flannel shirts like the swearing in person all the time, and he was no lumberjack! Although he did have fun with a chainsaw now and then…

    • chicken_thief

      Your dad was Jesse James Dupree?!

      • glasspusher

        Dupree? From the 8063?You made me laugh. If you knew what my old man looked like…

        • chicken_thief

          JJ Dupree, frontman from Jackyl. I no be knowin nuffin bout no "the 8063".

    • bikerlaureate

      There's a Monty Python "lumberjack sketch" joke hiding somewhere around here…

      • glasspusher

        This is a transsexual mag, though? Would bringing up transvestites be bad form?

        • bikerlaureate

          I'm sorry to say I didn't even think it through that far.

          Saw you use the l-word and my love for all things Cleese overran any last traces of common sense.

          • glasspusher

            I don't know one way or the other, but I can understand your enthusiasm.

  • flipdraw

    I think the cover girl is just a little too cheekbone-contoured as compared to our beloved FLOTUS.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Do I detect a surplus of botox in those lushus lipz?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    She looks more like Patrick Ewing, to be honest

    • glasspusher

      What, her team never won the NBA championship?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        She got elbowed out of the paint by Hakeema Olajuwon

        • glasspusher

          I'd give you a 3 pointer for that. Well played.

    • snowpointsecret

      That line reminds me of this: http://youtu.be/dX_1B0w7Hzc

      Warning that it's a joke "rap battle", Barack Obama vs Mitt Romney with a special guest later on in there. Probably not for everybody but hilarious to me at least.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Isn't that the guy that shot JR?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      I'm seeing more Carl Lewis.

  • Lizzietish81

    Pussy, my dad took apart a fallen three with no shirt on, using a machete.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Your dad's Danny Trejo?

      • Lizzietish81

        If Danny Trejo was pale white with a bit of a flab suddenly, sure.

    • glasspusher

      My dad could out-garden your dad with one hand tied behind his back! Of course, I'd have to dig him up first…

  • Come here a minute

    My version of Candy magazine features hot centerfolds of Snickers and M&M's.

    • Lizzietish81

      mmmmmmReece's…show me your peanut butter baby…

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        BowchickaNOMNOM

  • noodlesalad

    Not terribly unrelated, and funny, in the Philippines, a woman is called a "pina" (Phillipino men are pinoys). So there are all these hilarious tourist shirts which say "I LOVE PINAS." I bought like 30 on one visit for all of my friends who never wear them. I guess they would be appropriate for either Candy Magazine.

    • DahBoner

      I once had a shirt that said "I want a Japanese Girlfriend" in Japanese. Lots of blank stares from Japanese men….

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    A long way to go to beat out Lindsey Graham – Candydate of the Year 1998-2003; 2005-2011

    • chicken_thief

      Marcus is feeling so left out right about now.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?’”

    Oooh! OOOH! *waves hands frantically* I know the answer to this one!

    • christianmuslin

      You, sir, are the man.

  • SorosBot

    Lola for President?

    That's L-O-L-A Lola.

    • Aridzona

      Kinks reference is soooo apropos for this post. Ray Davies is smiling.

    • UnholyMoses

      Well, girls will be boys and boys will be girls. It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world …

    • Toomush_Infer

      Not sure he's not the world's most passionate guy…

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    "Our nation's first transsexual magazine?" Sounds like someone's never heard of Ministry Today.

    • PugglesRule

      I never heard of Ministry Today. Apparently it has to do with churches. Not sure what this has to do with transsexuals?

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        You're right — clergy have never been known to look like freaks in petticoats. I don't know what I was thinking.

    • Fuck Toad

      I think it's insulting to trans people to compare them to the clergy. Shame on you.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?’”

    Maybe a black transsexual woman can be Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho's running mate.

  • Lizzietish81

    Rupaul for President!

    • elviouslyqueer

      And Sharron Needles as Veep, hunty!

  • JustPixelz

    Venegas asks: “When [will] these archaic walls break down and the White House will be occupied by, for example, a black, transsexual woman?’”

    According to James Corsi at WND, the answer is Jan 21 2009.

    • Tommmcatt_Again

      Lies! True Corsi fans know that the so-called "president" isn't really black…

    • chicken_thief

      Oily Taint is the one more likely to have his hand on the pulse of what's happening with this particular group.

      • Gayer_Than_Thou

        I will never stop giggling when I read "Oily Taint."

  • SorosBot

    Well of course she's being sworn in by a lumberjack; after all, you know what they do. They are lumberjacks and they're OK; they sleep all night and they work all day, they cut down trees, they skip and jump, they like to press wild flowers; they put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Also, they don't care….

  • freakishlywrong

    She is history's greatest transsexual monster.

  • I<3Radio

    So, is she a giver or a taker?

    • Tio_Doidinho

      All of 'em, Katie!

  • SorosBot

    Author unknown? That was Ralph Wiggum you Philistine!

    • glasspusher

      Well, now I know!

  • gullywompr

    I'm confused.

  • Baconzgood

    Its a man baby.

    -international Man of Mystery-

  • HRH_Maddie

    Cue Fox News reporting that Michelle Obama is a transsexual in 3…2…1…

  • prommie

    The fundamental thing about this first lady, once you get past the 5 seconds of attention that her muscular arms are worth (just enough time to say "hey, she has muscular arms," unless you like to show off your slang skills, and you just keep on saying over and over whenever she appears "look at those guns") is that she is utterly and completely un-interesting. I just could not give less of a shit, about anything she does or anything about her.

    • Lizzietish81

      She's an absolute blast compared to Bush's Stepford Wife.

      • prommie

        Nah, she is too normal to be as interesting as Bush's bizarre wierdo wife was. With Bush's wife you could always speculate what drugs she was on, how she got away with killing that boyfriend, whether she ever regretted selling her soul to the devil and becoming part of the Bush crime family, etc. etc.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      guns, magazine……….can't we take a day off from that stuff.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Oh, you.

    • TavariousChinaSmith

      I was so incensed by your trashing of MO that I went and found a "50 things you didn't know about her" listicle. Check it:

      23. She watches reruns of The Dick Van Dyke Show.
      24. For breakfast she likes fruit, eggs and bacon.

      Ha, "un-interesting" you say! Ball's in your court, Prommie!

      • prommie

        Wow, that shit's fascinating, now I see what all the hype is about!

        • TavariousChinaSmith

          Oh, I could go on…

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Michelle, the FLOTUS, danced in a video with Beyonce, and did push-ups with Bishop Tutu [corrected]. I rest my case.

  • christianmuslin

    The world's first transexual magazine, which stores carry them? I know, all of them Katie.

  • DahBoner

    "We noticed that she is being “sworn in” by someone wearing some sort of lumberjack shirt…"

    With jeans with no knees in them? The 90's are officially "retro".

    HELLO OLD PEOPLE!

  • TootsStansbury

    Those eyes. Looks more like one L.

  • mavenmaven

    Until now I thought Condi Rice was the highest ranking black transsexual woman.

  • ttommyunger

    Meh! I got nothin.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Respectfully, the FLOTUS has too fulsome a caboose to be accurately portrayed by any drag queen — and that's the way I like it!

  • GoodDogThor

    Candy publisher Luis Venegas told Dazed Digital (via the Fader)…

    Ummm, wut?

    • Fuck Toad

      Who are any of these people

  • Toomush_Infer

    Aren't there any transgender folks that look more like Boehner?…what's so fabulous about a reversed scrotum?…

  • TribecaMike

    Can we do that "2007 presidential election" over again, cuz I missed it.

  • Angry_Marmot

    And where do you hide your candy?