oh good this again

Former Pizza Kingpin Does Not Want To Pay For Your Whore Pills

Pizza Tigers Goes Rwwr!Tom Monaghan, founder of Domino’s Pizza, terrible baseball team owner, and a guy so Catholic that probably even the Pope thinks he needs to give it a rest, is very upset that this Obamacare thing will allow his employees to make their own health care decisions without his input. So, he’s suing. After all, Tom Monaghan knows what’s best. His decisions to let Kirk Gibson and Jack Morris sign elsewhere really paid off for the Tigers back in the late-1980s. His employees clearly need to rely Monaghan’s wisdom and judgement when making deeply personal medical decisions with their doctors.

Monaghan offers health insurance that excludes contraception and abortion for employees. The new federal law requires employers to offer insurance including contraception coverage or risk fines.

Monaghan says the law violates his rights, and is asking a judge to strike down the mandate. There are similar lawsuits pending nationwide.

What a fun legal precedent this could set! If the man who fired beloved old baseball announcer Ernie Harwell wins this case, he’ll be allowed to impose his moral values on employees through non-monetary compensation. It stands to reason that he could also impose his moral values on his employees through monetary compensation.

Eating meat on Fridays is, like your whore diaphragms and slut pills, “gravely immoral” so you should not be allowed to spend any of your Tom Monaghan paycheck on an end-of-the-week steak. It would violate Tom Monaghan’s rights.

You know what totally doesn’t violate anyone’s rights? The USDA’s “Dairy Management” program. They used your money to help Monaghan’s old company–he still owns the headquarters, Domino’s Farms, which is listed as a plaintiff in this lawsuit–put more cheese on their pizza shingles.

Then help arrived from an organization called Dairy Management. It teamed up with Domino’s to develop a new line of pizzas with 40 percent more cheese, and proceeded to devise and pay for a $12 million marketing campaign.

Consumers devoured the cheesier pizza, and sales soared by double digits. “This partnership is clearly working,” Brandon Solano, the Domino’s vice president for brand innovation, said in a statement to The New York Times.

But as healthy as this pizza has been for Domino’s, one slice contains as much as two-thirds of a day’s maximum recommended amount of saturated fat, which has been linked to heart disease and is high in calories.

Isn’t gluttony still kind of a sin? Apparently not. Government-subsidized pizza and its contribution to our national obseity problem are things the Founding Fathers clearly intended. Personal privacy for individuals making health care choices, not so much.

[WWJ Radio]

About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

View all articles by Jeff Wattrick

Comments

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  • Come here a minute

    Ernie Harwell made the rookie mistake of getting an abortion during the playoffs.

    • hagajim

      I kind of thought the Tigers were the abortion in this years World Series, didn't they get underrug swept?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      That was a pre-existing condition, in that Harwell pre-existed the Tigers.

  • snowpointsecret

    Domino's is the new Papa John's is the new Applebee's is the new Red Lobster is the new Chick-Fil-A.

    I'm getting dizzy.

    • northernbassist

      I have to thank the CEOs of all these crappy places for giving me even more reasons to never, ever, eat there again.

      • tessiee

        Or wouldn't, if I could afford to.

      • kyeshinka

        For me, it was the increased risk of diabetes and hundreds more hours in the gym per shrimp scampi entree. And giving my money to a bunch of right wing assholes was up there too.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Red Mobster/Oily Garden caved to public pressure and reversed course. Now if they could just get the goddam food right.

    • Callyson

      And that's why I'm glad I learned how to cook.

      • tessiee

        Seriously!
        I made spaghetti with gravy (a/k/a tomato sauce) last night. 2 bucks for the spaghetti, another buck and a half or so for the tomatoes and tomato sauce, and it works out to about 6 servings.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          I'm gonna start posting recipes on the blog again …

    • Crank_Tango

      I think we can all just eat costco pizza, and shop at costco, and get our abortions at costco.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        My only problem with this is the speculum check at the exit.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        But would I have to buy my abortions in bulk?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          Well, you could get on the plan, you know, one a month, or something. For the low, low price of $11.99.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Does that include a complimentary subscription to Good Housekeeping? You know we wimminz cant read books.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            For you laydeez we haz zee AudioBooks! In ze voice of your Lord & Master!

            Sorry. Watching bad movies wiv teh fake Frainch ack-sontz.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Ugh, I have a stomach ache.

    • cybermoe

      When I got dizzy my Mom told me to eat something.

    • Spider-Jerk

      "I'm getting dizzy."

      That's just the all the saturated fat reducing the bloodflow to your brain.

  • hagajim

    Just another example of a fine Christian type picking and choosing which sins are appropriate. I'm sure if he had founded Domino's IUD's he'd be fine with the new health care law.

  • hagajim

    They all pretty much suck.

  • Geminisunmars

    Well, to be fair, not getting contraceptives can make you put on weight too.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      And make you crave things you'd never be caught dead eating, like Domino's pizza

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    I guess I'll have to pay for my whore pills the old-fashioned way – by whoring!

    • Callyson

      Just don't take Tom Monaghan as a client. Prostitutes have standards too, ya know…

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

        On the upside if he doesn't come within 45 minutes the pizza is free!

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Ewwwwwww!!

    • JustPixelz

      Whoreders … new episodes start Tuesday on TLC.

    • HempDogbane

      My GF said just this morning "I pay for the birth control, you can pay for the Astroglide". She could maybe do some consulting for Monaghan.

  • One_who_wanders

    I don't want to pay for our latest set of killing brown people wars but I am pretty sure I get to go to jail if I refuse to pay taxes based on this.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Tommy has the right to not have an abortion, but I'm willing to give him one anyway. Can I substitute a fire hydrant for a coat hanger?

    • Tommmcatt_Again

      Use a traffic cone, easier to hose off.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Or just ram the fire hose up in there and be done with it.

        The enema of my enemy is my friend.

  • Lizzietish81

    I say this every fucking time, but if your religious convictions prevent you from treating employees and customers with equal respect and dignity then you should not be in any kind of business.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Well put.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I stopped eating Domino's when they switched their menu from Latin to English.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Greasiosae Domino.

    • tessiee

      At which point, you could actually understand what they were passing off as "food"?

    • tessiee

      Helpful hint: "Carpe diem" has nothing at all to do with fish.

    • Negropolis

      Damn Vatican II. It even ruined pizza.

  • DahBoner

    Then help arrived from an organization called Dairy Management.…

    Free Golf Calendars???

  • MissTaken

    Most of the preggers ladies I've known have devoured many a pizza during their cravings. Just simple Marketing 101.

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    I'm thinking maybe I'll just not patronize any national chain of any kind. This ensures that my moral standards are not compromised, and also apparently keeps me from funding wingnuttery.

    Also, life is too short to eat shitty pizza.

    • sewollef

      Let's start a "who's got the best pizza in the country" post.

      Of course that excludes all the country except New York City and maybe, maybe…. Chicago. Amirite?

      Ok, I'll go first:

      Di Fara's pizza, run by Dominic DiMarco in Midwood, Brooklyn is the best pizza on the eastern seaboard.

      Top that!

      • MissTaken

        Bay Area: Zachary's

        Yummy Chicago-style. Yum yum! And 100% employee-owned.

        • SorosBot

          That place was good, yeah. Especially after so many years without any good Chicago-style places around; just a few shitty Uno's chain places and they were all way out in suburban malls.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            TOLD you you'd like it here, dood.

          • glasspusher

            Giovanni's on Lawrence in Sunnyvale- but the guys who run it are from Brooklyn and NJ.

      • Tommmcatt_Again

        Joe's Pizza out here in La-La Land. Mozzo Pizzaria if you want to pay about $60 a plate.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Rebootably_Joe

        YOU LIE!

        -From the neighborhood of the actual original Patsy's.

      • snowpointsecret

        This thread is going to remind me that the most popular pizza here tastes like cardboard. And yes, even most of the non-chain stuff.

      • tessiee

        Old joke that I didn't really get until I moved away from the NYC metro area:
        People in heaven talking about the people on the cloud next door:
        "Their accents are terrible, and they keep complaining that the pizza here isn't as good"

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          You can *make* a better pizza at home than you'll ever get from Domino's!

      • jqheywood

        Pacci in Silver Spring, MD, has a nice Neapolitan pizza, and Palermo's in Hamilton, NJ, has the best damn tomato pie I've ever had.

      • 216stitches

        Satchel's pizza in Gainesville FL. Mostly because he pays his employees a living wage w/benefits and only has one small pizza shop.

    • shelwood46

      I recently visited my mother in Alabama (I live in NJ). One night she insisted we get pizza for dinner, even though she admitted all the pizza choices were shitty (basically, chains or gas stations). We ended getting it from Dominos. I had cheesy bread and chicken nuggets, because I just couldn't.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Do I need pizza penicillin for my pizza shingles?

    • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Pizza Shingles sounds like a delicious new snack – individually wrapped Pizza product slices with a crispy outer crust and a tart, tangy taste!

    • snowpointsecret

      No, but you might need good home insurance in case the cheese starts oozing off the roof and into the rest of the house.

      Oh wait, wrong shingles.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Say! You know what else gets served on a shingle?

      • ProgressiveInga

        Mexicans?
        Oh, wait. I thought you said who works hard laying shingles. My bad..

    • MosesInvests

      Pizza interferon-it's a virus.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Pizza Insulin maybe too.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Wow, it's almost like we're supposed to give our money to someone besides people that make shitty pizza….

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    What's wrong – you mean you don't consult your boss and/or your pizza shop owner on your health care questions?

  • PuckStopsHere

    Murdering children with an assault rifle is against my religious beliefs, but you don't see me suing anybody.

    • PennyDreadful

      This does spark an idea, though.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    And if you don't know you're pregnant within 30 minutes or less, no abortions.
    (your move, MI GOP)

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think AZ has this wrapped up already.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So lemme see….employer offers health insurance that basically dictates employee behavior off-hours, before any harm has come to the company reputation, like, I dunno, running up a $35,000 tab on the company credit card at a strip joint, and this is somehow "freedom"?

  • cousinitt

    A pie between your knees is all you needz to prevent pregnancy, hold the sausage.

    • MissTaken

      Do I smell anchovies?

      • NellCote71

        You bad. I like that in a person.

      • tessiee

        Another reason to keep one's knees together.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Be careful when handling the sausage, so as to prevent any "juice" from getting on you.

    • tessiee

      "hold the sausage"

      That's what HE said!
      *ba dum tish*

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        I think ID has just unilaterally decided I like your comments. I never even get to click on them any more without a finger-wagging "You already voted on that!"

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Rebootably_Joe

      Holding the sausage is also a sin, in Catholicism.

      • PubOption

        Not for altar boys.

    • Guppy

      Pizza pie, maybe. Cream pie, not so much.

  • Callyson

    Monaghan says the law violates his rights

    His right to…what, exactly? Because if there is one thing I am completely over, it is the wingnuts' yammering about how they should not have to pay for birth control. Excuse me, but access to contraception is a basic healthcare need that should be included in basic coverage in the first place, and would be if not for self righteous judgmental pricks like Tom Monaghan. Stop ripping us off in the name of your "right" to impose you particular version of religion upon us!

    /FFS

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      His right to…what, exactly?

      To not pay for free contraceptives, of course.

    • SorosBot

      His right to punish female employees for being slutty slut sluts, or what most people would call having a normal healthy sex life.

      • tessiee

        Granted that an awful lot of the GOP/right wingers seem to be closeted gheys, I don't think that they've thought this through very carefully.
        I mean, "We don't want the wimmenfolks to have sex"? I don't think they'd be very happy if they got their wish.

    • PubOption

      If it was claimed that the fetus was a demon, would he pay for an exorcism?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Snark off (which it is practically every day lately … sigh). Where did this numbnuts get legal standing in this case? In 1998 he sold majority ownership in Domino's to Bain Capital. Yeah, that one. For ONE BILLION clams. According to Wikipedia (I know, I know) he doesn't any longer even have an office in company HQ (a fake Frank Lloyd Wright building in Michigan).

      After he got all that money, he read a C.S. Lewis book and supposedly had a vision about doing "good works," Catholic style. Which is not Gagnam style, sexy laideez.

      Among those "good works": hanging around with Rick Santorum and founding Ave Maria University and Ave Maria Law School, which apparently are akin to Regent, Liberty, and Bob Jones, with an even weirder mother fixation. A graduate of Ave Maria Law School is lead counsel in the suit filed by something called the Thomas More Law Center (motto: Battle Ready to Defend America). In every press release I read about this case, Monaghan is identified as the FOUNDER of Domino's, not the owner or chief stockholder. So how is he being damaged?

      Named as Defendants in the lawsuit are Kathleen Sebelius, Hilda Solis, Timothy Geithner (what the hell could he have to do with it), and their respective departments. Just in case you thought our tax dollars weren't being wasted on enough other crap. It won't cost Thomas More all that much because in addition to St. Monaghan's pizza dough, their website is soliciting for pro bono counsel to help with the law suit.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        In the last graduating class from Ave Maria Law School, 11 (out of 23) flunked the state bar exam. By that measure, it's the worst law school on the planet, so I don't expect the next Clarence Darrow to emerge from the Thomas More Law Center.

        I also have this comical image in my head of St. Thomas More, up there in heaven, complaining to God about this defamation of his reputation (he was a lawyer, after all): "Come on, you gotta do something about this!"

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          Aww, that one extra grad had to sneak through to make it more than 50%. Better luck (to us) next year.

    • Roger_of_Arabia

      If I'm a Jehovah's Witness business owner can I refuse pay for blood transfusions and can Christian Scientists only cover prayer and massages?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Yeah? Well what about my right to edible pizza? Jerk.

    • Botlrokit

      You can eat it, but you might not digest it.

    • NellCote71

      The right to edible pizza would cover all sorts of sins. Do I seen a 28th Amendment on the horizon, or does that fall under the "cruel and unusual" section of the 8th Amendment.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    But little blue Boehner pills are okay

    • Stevola

      Boner pills are blue, Boehner pills are orange

  • Exhausted66

    Does Dominos only sell cheese pizzas on Fridays during Lent?

    Oh that's right, morality is only job one when it cuts into profits. Gotcha.

    • emmelemm

      Exactly. If he was really true to his convictions…

  • Beowoof

    Well Tommy I will not eat your pizza even when it is the only game in town. Although, where I live there are pizzerias run by real Italians who actually learned how to make it in Italy. The shit your peddling is like ketchup on a cracker.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Hey Tom — I don't give a fuck about your religious beliefs and neither does the Constitution. And that's all the fuckin' sympathy I can muster for you and your sissyass religion today.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      We're saving our 'sympathy' for religion til "Rapture 2012, Mayan Style" this Friday, right?
      Drink specials — Solstice-inspired — film at eleven viewed from the bar at O'Toole's.
      (Don't forget to bring your camera)~

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        And Quetzalcoatl can eat his heart out. Oh, wait…

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          (rolls red eyes, hands Wooks the blowsha)

          • jqheywood

            How, exactly, do you "hand" someone a "blowsha" ? http://tinyurl.com/c68h7qn

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            But in Uganda it refers to TheNobleWeed. Also, jaguar, because "it sneaks up on you."

  • Botlrokit

    With all the owners of these food companies getting all bent over these things they don't like, I have noticed something in my morality-driven abandonment of their products:

    I'm losing weight, and getting healthier!

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    However much Joe Scarborough is no longer a dick, just add that much to this guy's dickitude.

    • LibertyLover

      Dickishness can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only change form.

  • SorosBot

    This bullshit again? Ugh. There is no "right" to force other people to abide by your own religious rules, assholes; and the rule against birth control is a religious rule, NOT a moral one; stop confusing the two.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It's the defining characteristic of religious nuts that the rules of their religion are "moral" rules, which everbody else is obliged to observe.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I thought the pizza guy was going to build the perfect city with perfect people living in it somewhere in Florida. Whatever happened to that?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        According to that it is 3 feet above sea level, so at least they will all die in a flood soon.

        • JustPixelz

          Seems almost like Biblical justice.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        Looks kind of empty.
        http://goo.gl/maps/yEka6

        I drove the google man around the area. It looks like a ghost town only newer.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          Seems the Catholics aren't flocking to Monaghan's religious paradise. Wonder why.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Maybe this is why?

            OR, even more creepily, maybe this is why.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            Dear ghod, Biely. You're not setting Monaghan *up* for anything, are you?

            What a bunch of ignorant, brick-thick, hick dumbo fuckaloons.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "The development of the town was made possible when the Florida legislature created the Ave Maria Stewardship Community District, a limited local government whose purpose is to provide community infrastructure, including community development systems, facilities, services, projects, and improvements."

        I wonder how many millions he spread around to get that useful bit of legislation through. And how many taxpayer dollars are supporting his super-catholic "university" and fifth-rate law school.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          He's expecting county police to take care of his crime problem and had the gall to suggest the taxpayers fund Jackson Labs' move to his "town."

  • PuckStopsHere

    It's a fast-food pizza chain. How many employees do you think actually qualify for the company's health care benefit? Like, four?

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    My understanding of the pizza delivery business, based upon porn, would lead me to believe that people delivering pizza are in constant need of birth control.

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ Rufus T. Firefly

      I'm here to fix der Kabel.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Hey, asshole, I don't want to pay for your floppy dick pills either.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      I don't want to pay for his quad-bypass or coral snake antivenin or anything else he needs. If he's so tight with Big G, Junior and Casper why should he need health care at all?

      • Isyaignert

        "…Big G, Junior and Casper…." Now, that's FUNNY!

        Reminds me of my shit-for-brains elderly mother saying it was fine for her to drive after a major seizure, even though it's against the law to drive for six months, and her doctors told her not to, because, you see, all she needs to do is to pray harder and she'll be fine. So you lousy, rotten kids and grandkids and your offers to drive her everywhere can go fuk yourselves. She's got a plastic Jeezuz on the dashboard to protect her ass and doesn't need her stinkin' family.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          Maybe you should tell us where she drives, so we can be sure to, you know, avoid the area.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Yeah! Why can't he just heal himself like Tim Tebow does.

        What? He doesn't?

  • kittensdontlie

    Gluttony….may happen in five ways: too soon, too expensively, too much, too eagerly, too daintily.—New Advent Encyclopedia

    Starve the gey, feed the angels.

    • tessiee

      Too daintily?
      Does that mean that when I'm separating my food into teensy little piles, and eating a teensy little bite of each, until everything is all gone and it comes out exactly, mathematically even; I'm sinning, in addition to annoying the fuck out of my dining companions?

      • kittensdontlie

        Sorry to say, but yes. REPENT(or not).

  • Baconzgood

    His pizza is lame.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I prefer my pizza in non shingle form, created locally by some dude claiming to make "New York style" pizza in a small shop several blocks from my house. Yeah, the dude who delivers is a little sketchy, but I'm sure he makes a decent wage and doesn't get told where to buy his old lady's birth control, yo. Or that he can't smoke weed while making deliveries.

  • freakishlywrong

    Monaghan says the law violates his rights
    What "rights" would those be, fuckwit? The right to impose your religious beliefs on your employees?

    • tessiee

      Yes.
      See also, "war on Christmas".

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Yes, on all six of the employees who actually HAVE health insurance.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It's a least as important as his right to close Dominos Pizza shops on Sundays. Wait, what???

  • HRH_Maddie

    I happily boycotted Walmart, Papa Johns and McDonald's because they are evil and their food is gross. But damnit, I love Dominos. This one will be hard.

    • Isyaignert

      Learn to make your own. It's as easy as pie.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        Hahaha … you're not kidding are you?

        Of course not.

        I actually make my own pizza, except once or twice a year I crave Zachary's deep-dish Chicago style.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    More of the butthurt CEOs???

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    In other news, the substance they blast into the stuffed crust ain't cheese…

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      It's artery plaque. Why waste good cheese?

  • Oblios_Cap

    gawd-botherers violate my rights not be be pestered by them.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Dominos bullshitscum!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Eat some shitty goo to go.

  • mavenmaven

    Why are all the fast food chain owners so creepy? Is there something inherently appealing to fascist types about bad food?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      YES! Goddammit, yes, yes, yes! That's what I've been preaching for fucking years. There's a huge difference between taking the bounty of the Earth and using it to nourish the creatures that live thereon – and turning that beautiful bounty into "food product" that is fit for neither man nor beast nor particularly unpicky bacteria. Except maybe salmonella and E. coli. Eat sparingly of food that is prepared by someone you don't know. Food is love. People you don't know treat your food as a product. Someone who loves you teases your tastebuds, cares for your every cell's needs, nourishes your soul, with their food.

  • LibrarianX

    The Christian Books of Leviticus and Deuteronomy forbid the consumption of the flesh of "unclean animals." Has Domino's stopped serving pork?

    • CrunchyKnee

      They are one of those pick and choose bible-readers – old testament says pork is bad, nah, ok because Jesus; old testament says the homosexuality is bad, Jesus who?

    • CalamityJames

      No worries, it's not like any of that shit is real meat.

    • Roger_of_Arabia

      It's also an abomination, like homosexuality, to eat shrimp. Does he have shrimp pizza?

  • docterry6973

    Are the purveyors of hobo beans still good guys? 'Cause I gotta eat something.

  • SorosBot

    He wants people to use the old-fashioned form of birth control; eating nothing but shitty chain pizza, insuring that they are too fat and greasy to be fuckable.

    • MissTaken

      Does Pizza Perfume make you more, or less fuckable?

      • SorosBot

        Ew. That sounds even more stinky disgusting than Axe Body spray; I wouldn't want to sit next to someone wearing that on the train (though it would still be better than a super-stinky homeless guy with no shoes).

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        Bacon. EV'body loves Teh Bacon.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I worked at Domino's to get through college, and we would consume some of the pizza late at night, because we were college students and it was a bit of a step up from salt-bomb ramen noodles. But it was a mostly a survival technique, like when Steve McQueen crushed a giant centipede in a cup of his own urine and consumed it in "Papillon."

    • Oblios_Cap

      I'm not sure if it was worse than Pizza Hut; though we did have pasta of sorts.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        And salad, if I recall.

    • CrunchyKnee

      Still sounds better than Dominoes "pizza."

    • FNMA

      Is that also the "secret" ingredient in Domino's sauce?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        Wut, giant centipedes macerated in Steve McQueen's urine?

        • Isyaignert

          Weedlord – you beat me to it!!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            (Bows deeply) I live to serve, babycakes. (Hugs you)

  • tessiee

    *sigh*
    So let's see, within the past week or two, Michigan (or more to the point, Michigan's hateful idiot of a governor) has passed a "right to work" law, a "right to carry guns everywhere" law, and now they're working on a "right to force your employees to get pregnant" law?
    Dang, at least Florida has good beaches.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      MI's chicken gov has now said he is "rethinking" signing that "mandate guns in day-care centers" law.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        The GOTPees could save themselves all that rethinking if they'd just thing the first time.

    • Guppy

      "Everywhere?" When Florida passed a "guns everywhere" law, the legislators were sure to install panic buttons in their offices.

    • Negropolis

      The "guns everywhere" bill has not be signed by the governor, yet, and he's seriously hinting that he won't sign it.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Is there a discernable difference between eating a Domino's Pizza and eating the box it came in?

    And does anyone else remember all those lawsuits over car accidents caused by his pizza delivery drivers trying to avoid taking more than 15 minutes and the customer getting the pie for free?

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Rebootably_Joe

      Is there a discernable difference between eating a Domino's Pizza and eating the box it came in?

      Greasy corrugated cardboard is healthier for you.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      The box is usually warmer.

      • tessiee

        And has more cheese on it.

    • SorosBot

      Those lawsuits are why they no longer have the "30 minutes or free" policy. The way that worked is the company took the price of the pizzas from the delivery guy's pay if they were late; strangely that lead to a lot of them driving recklessly. Nobody could have predicted that!

  • tessiee

    Also, Domino's is shitty pizza and always has been.

    • RadioBitchFace

      What, ketchup and glue on cardboard isn't to your tastes?

      • tessiee

        My grade school cafeteria used to serve "pizza" that was ketchup and white American cheese on half an english muffin, but at least they didn't try to take away the lunch ladies' insurance.

        • emmelemm

          Yeah! I remember that "pizza" from my own school days.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Herman Cain agrees.

      (And so do I)

  • JustPixelz

    There are a lot of reasons why health insurance should be decoupled from employment. This is near the top of the list. In the decoupled world, the employee would get their insurance from any provider, perhaps keep the coverage they had from their old job. The employer can kick in some dough (pizza dough! get it?) to help they employees pay, but have NO SAY WHATSOEVER in the coverage.

    • PubOption

      And having a single-payer system with simplify things further.

  • kakotechnia

    Strong talk from a fella whose company had to run a "we know our pizza sucks" ad campaign.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And made the giant leap to asking "Why does our pizza suck?" Such self-awareness is indeed rare.

  • pinkocommi

    Of course, this asswipe doesn't recognize that paying people the current minimum wage , which is not enough to raise kids on with decent housing, health and dental care and a chance at a college education, has anything to do with people's willingness to have children. Just another example of Republicans loving fetuses, but fucking over people who have been born.

    • CrunchyKnee

      Being a godless liberal myself, I was wondering if these fetus pizzas are readily available?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, no "Avoid the Embrynoid" for his female employees.

  • asterixaverni

    Tommyboy doesn't even own Domino's anymore… I think Bain bought it in the 90's or 00's. So what is he suing about?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I keep asking that question. He sold it to Bain in 1998 for approximately one BILLION dollars. Which he then spent founding the Supercatholic law school that is providing he lawyers for this case. Log rolling in our time, as Spy used to say.

  • tessiee

    "V1agra? No problem, Sir!"
    "Birth control? Get lost, slut!"
    — This Modern World

  • godhatesmedotcom

    If the cost for providing healthcare by him for his employees is the same with or without contraception, he is a tyrant. And another example of why we need to separate healthcare from employment.

  • godhatesmedotcom

    Just want to point out that the crust of his "pizza" is worse for heart health than the cheese.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Bad pizza crust should be punishable by jail time.

  • ButthurtWingers2012

    To be fair Monaghan is an EPIC level Christian douche so this all does make sense; what I'm waiting for is like with other 'conscience' cases this dildo will be found to have been covering contraception all along which he'll then rush to get rid of so he can sue. These idiots are about little more than forwarding the cause of the GOP and until this became a manufactured controversy to attempt to legally defeat Obama care they probably couldn't give a shit about what the health plans offered so long as they are cheap.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I live to read the friend of the court brief by Rick Santorum. And if we ask Santa, maybe we'll get one from Oily Taint, too. It's about time those two discharges got together on something. Why shouldn't it be bad pizza-related?

  • rocktonsam

    Whore pills. Perfect!

    In a text to my girlfriend…

    Me- Did you take your whore pill this morning, I want sex tonight?

    Her-Fuck you!

    Yes, fuck you indeed

    • tessiee

      Yes! Yes, fuck you, too! Good morning, my friends and neighbors! FUCK YOU, TOO!
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Chdtqy5uns0

    • Isyaignert

      I've always thought that it you really wanted to diss someone, you would say "unfuk you" instead of "fuk you" because fukkin's usually a good thing and therefore, you wish for them to be deprived of it.

      It's akin to people saying, "I could care less" which implies there is still caring left; however, if one says "I couldn't care less" it implies there is no caring at all – it packs a bigger zinger, if that's your objective.

      Class dismissed.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        "I couldn't care less" is the original expression. How it became such a completely stupid statement is a mystery to me. I mean, how do you even make that mistake in the first place? The fact that it spread everywhere, with nobody noticing that it's stupid, is mind-boggling.

  • An_Outhouse

    Authoritarian strong man takes his orders from a guy in a dress.

  • tessiee

    If I'm to understand correctly:
    No birth control, because babbies.
    No abortion, because babbies.
    No maternity leave, because fuck the babbies.
    No day care, because fuck the babbies.
    Guns everywhere, because fuck the babbies.

    So that's [does math], two AGAINST and three FOR letting the human race die out?

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Rebootably_Joe

      You forgot let's No action on climate change, because fuck the babbies.

      In other words, Supermajority!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      Hey, you're good at this math shit.

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    "You mean I'm mega-rich and I still can't do whatever I want and maintain absolute control over the lives of peasants? THIS COUNTRY'S GOING TO HELL!!!"

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      He got slave-master delusions as the "owner" of baseball players.

  • tessiee

    "I'm docking employees' paychecks for the amount of money they'd be likely to spend on pork and shellfish" — said no Jewish employer, ever

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Rebootably_Joe

      On the other hand, so said every Muslim employer, ever, in Pamela Gellar's fevered booze-dreams.

  • RadioBitchFace

    I heard that afterbirth makes a great little personal pan pizza.

  • Geminisunmars

    OK, I'm not taking his side, but what kind of unAmericun thing is that, that he even provides health benefits?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Good point. I have yet to read anywhere how many employees are the beneficiaries of his largess.

  • LibertyLover

    I am running out of Pizza vendors to buy from. I guess I will have to cook my own pizzas from here on out.

  • LibertyLover

    Why are Pizza Barons such dicks?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Could someone explain to me again why anyone who isn't some sort of deranged, schizophrenic retard should care about how a bunch of child-molesting old queers in black robes interpret the contents of a book that was written down by a bunch of shit-ignorant desert savages two thousand years ago?

    • Isyaignert

      "Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them that paint is wet and they have to touch it to be sure." — George Carlin

  • Wile E. Quixote

    You know what totally doesn’t violate anyone’s rights? The USDA’s “Dairy Management” program. They used your money to help Monaghan’s old company–he still owns the headquarters, Domino’s Farms, which is listed as a plaintiff in this lawsuit–put more cheese on their pizza shingles.

    Remember, when conservatives like Tom Monaghan get down on their knees and wrap their lips around a big, greasy government cock and suck like there's no tomorrow it's totally not gay.

  • Isyaignert

    WTF is it with crazy, greedy fukheads owning pizza companies? First it was Godfather's (Herman Cain), then Papa John's, and now Domino's. Glad I know how to make my own pizza; it's waaaay cheaper and waaaay more awesome!!

  • tessiee

    "Then help arrived from an organization called Dairy Management"

    I like this.
    I like it a LOT.
    Unemployment Office [on phone]: Fuck you, Tessie; no munniez for you.
    Me [hanging up phone]: Shit. NOW what am I supposed to do? [looking out window] What the hell is that?
    Ice cream truck with neon "Dairy Management" logo comes tearing around the corner with jingly music playing double time, and screeches to a halt in front of my house.
    Campy Eddie Izzard type cow in a pink tutu, rhinestone tiara, gauzy wings, and high heels minces up the walkway.
    Me: Who are YOU?
    Cow: I'm your Dairy Godmother, bitch! [squirts milk from udder in my face; hits me with wand with sparkly star on end] MOOYAH!!
    Dairy Godmother runs back to ice cream truck, which takes off with squealing brakes, on to next emergency.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Uh, about this "squirts milk from udder in my face…" When does that truck show up?

      (Oh, crap! You said "Eddie Izzard type cow…" Forget it. I've dealt with enough cow udders, and now I'm udderly confused. Is this on Youtubez?)

  • pdiddycornchips

    It would stand to reason that eating a pizza from any of the well known nationally advertised chains is bad for your health, bad for women, and bad for the country. Stop it right now,

    • shelwood46

      Also, bad for the reputation of pizza as an edible.

  • rickmaci

    Sheesh. Now I need to find a new place that delivers pizza.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Move to Pittsburgh. You are never more than 100 yards from a family-owned pizza joint. Ya want delivery? They'll just walk it over.

  • Biff

    I want 40% moar gummint cedar cheese on my pizza!

  • valgal2342

    WTF is it with the Pizza guys?

  • Schmegeg

    I resolve to never eat his shitty pizza ever. and so far so good. Maybe their personal pan pizza could double as a diaphragm

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    So you can't get pepperoni on your Domino's pizza on a Friday, right? Right?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Bingo!!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And they're closed on Sundays, of course.

        (PubOption beat me to it…)

  • Walkinwiddaking

    "Monaghan says the law violates his rights, and is asking a judge to strike down the mandate. There are similar lawsuits pending nationwide."

    Maybe I should have used this tactic back in the early 90's when I thought my rights were violated when I thought I was buying pizza instead of a piece of burnt cardboard shmeared with ketchup from a local Dominos.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    So, Monaghan pays employee, employee buys contraceptives with Monaghan's money, no problem.
    Pay insurance company, insurance company buys contraceptives with pooled money from thousands of customers, VIOLATION OF RELIGULOUS FREEDUMBS!!!!!

    Monaghan is such an asshat, it's really a shame I can't reduce my patronage below its present nonexistent level. My only hope is that he spends millions on this boneheaded lawsuit.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      The Thomas More Law Center is providing the lead counsel and it is soliciting on its webpage for pro bono assistant attorneys. Why pay for something you can get for free? Rick Santorum isn't doing anything these days either. He will probably help.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        A billionaire wants pro bono legal beagles to help him out. That's rich.

  • PubOption

    Isn't there something in the bible about working on Sundays?

  • christianmuslin

    The Morman Marriotts have no problem selling iced cola flavored soda, alcohol, or providing for gambling in states where it is legal, even though all of these are against their religion. One of Egypts main exports is pork and we know those that subscribe to the Islamitic faith do not eat pork. But when it comes to an employer providing decent health care to employees they balk. Oh, I get it. The one brings in revenue while the other may add to expenses. How silly of me!

  • jello_mold

    What the fuck is it with pizza and rightwingers anyway? Pizza and I have gotten along all these years yet you don't see me turn into a raving nutbag.

  • NinjaCat_Baba

    Cheeser Pizza, Cheeser CEO, thier pizza really sucks!

  • cybermoe

    I'll have extra sausage on mine Tom.

  • ttommyunger

    You know, if these rich fucks paid more in taxes they wouldn't have so much discretionary income to piss away on attorneys and frivolous law suits. Am I getting through? Rich fucks need to pay more in taxes, they have way too much extra money!

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    meh. domino's has been on the boycott list (because of this asshat) since like 1978.

    also, the pizza is an absolute abortion.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I've never even tasted Domino's pizza because NARAL told me not to when I was but a young pup. Is it as bad as Pizza Hut (which I have tasted but since boycotted)?

  • Negropolis

    I love when Tom wanted to expand Ave Maria College (now University) in suburban Ann Arbor, the township told his ass to take a hike. The guy wanted to put up a crucifix 25-stories tall on the campus. You know, because 24-stories just wouldn't be enough.

    BTW, if you want to support another Detroit-based pizza magnate, buy Little Caesars. Their owners give to mostly Democratic causes and candidates. Sure, their pizza is even worse than Tom's, but it's a social alternative. lol

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I believe he packed up, and moved his whole Jesus Circus to Floriduh, where religious nutters are as thick as mosquitoes.

      • Negropolis

        Yep, Ann Arbor Township told him he could go fuck himself with his 25-story crucifix, basically, so he took his ball and went down to the swamp.

  • nanooknw

    What is it with these Pizza guys? Here's another place where I will never go again.
    I'm sure we could put him out of business in a few weeks. Just go out for a better
    pizza.

  • Roger_of_Arabia

    Does this mean that Jehovah's Witnesses don't have to pay for blood transfusions and the Christian Science Monitor only has to pay for prayers and massages?