You can all put away your theories about there being too many or too few guns, because Heavenly Megaphone Mike Huckabee knows why unhinged sociopaths keep using military equipment to decimate fellow humans in everyday settings. Huck’s got his eye on you, over 99% of sexually active women of child-bearing age who’ve used contraceptives! Oh, and gays too. Don’t think we’re not well aware of your role in all of this.

Appearing Friday on Fox News, Huckabee took a break from his duties as stunt-double for the cucumber in Veggie Tales to explain to the nation why all it’s godless, raucous frolicking is responsible for the recent, ghastly collection of mass murders in America. Why are people even surprised? You people turned your back on God, and since locusts are a little too Old Testament we now all have to deal with newer Jared Lee Loughner/James Holmes style punishments.

“We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools,” Huckabee said on Fox News. “Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?”

So, mystery solved. You wanna start talking funny monkey and dinosaur talk in schools? Fine, but you have to expect what’s coming. And yes, this may sound like basically the same argument made by the Westboro Baptist Church without the “and we’re glad it’s happening, too” packaging, but before you become biased against it for being watered down, consider the much more hateful message behind all that already hateful sounding code.

For example, when the Huckster took to the teevee again on Saturday to explain the horrors our society has inflicted in god –

“…we’ve escorted Him right out of our culture and we’ve marched Him off the public square, and then we express our surprise that a culture without Him actually reflects what it’s become.”

– you have to poke around a little at that code word “God,” because Huckabee isn’t talking about any old god, no siree. God hasn’t been removed from the public conversation any more than the public has – or the conversation, even – because with exception of a handful of rapscallions, the vast majority of Americans believe in some form of celestial or spiritual force. God is still very much part of the equation, only his/her form and message are more open to interpretation. What we really have is a multi-religious, global sampler-plate culture, so this must be the culture he’s referring to – the one that reflects its true self through the murder of innocent children. All of this is somewhat soothing, since Yr. Wonkette worried for a brief moment that this might actually be some sincere reflection on the moral direction of the country instead of another much needed cry for a whiter, more Judeo-Christian past. Dodged a bullet there!

Luckily, there are a few tangible lessons we can take away from Huckabee’s wise analysis:

1) We have to let the Judeo-Christian back into American society. If your city or town has only erected one Ten Commandments monument on government property, demand they construct a second! Above all else, we as Americans must remember and pay tribute to god at all times. Huckabee puts it best:

“We’ve created an atmosphere in this country where the only time you want to invoke God’s name is after the tragedy.”

It’s important for this nation to invoke God’s name before tragedies – then at least the deaths are more like sacrifices and we might get some rain out of the whole thing.

2) Ungodly behavior must not be tolerated in America any longer. Remember your code words – ungodly behavior is really any behavior deemed offensive by Mike Huckabee’s God. Consider the way we’re conducting ourselves:

“Churches and Christian-owned businesses are told to surrender their values under the edict of government orders to provide tax-funded abortion pills. We carefully and intentionally stop saying things are sinful and we call them disorders. Sometimes, we even say they’re normal.”

Did you chat up a gay while checking out at American Apparel yesterday? Next time, try a curb stomp. Have you been popping taxpayer-funded abortion pills like Tic-Tacs? Kick the habit, sister! Little by little we can all appease God’s righteous wrath and end the bloodshed, if only everyone does his/her individual part. With time, we CAN heal, if only we take Mike Huckabee’s prescription and divide ourselves further.


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  • Hey, um, Huck?

    Maybe God's message from Newtown was "Would you fucking cut it out with the guns already????????"

    • Botlrokit

      Damned right, Actor.

    • Redgyal

      Yes and have you ever noticed that in their minds He always happens to agree with them and give them what they want? It is as if they believe only their prayers can be heard.

  • flipdraw

    Mike Huckabee is such a fucking gas bag.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      He's starting to give the narcissistic self-importance of formerly elected people a bad name.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Who knew that every process had stages. He's in Level 5?

      • tessiee

        A Mr. Gingrich on Line One…

  • these idiots continue to miss the fact that this murderer was homeschooled for a considerable period of time.

    but keep the faith, champ. If anyone knows what it's like to have a psychopath animal-torturer for a son, it's you.

    • After being withdrawn mid year from catholic school. It boggles the mind why that might have happened

  • hagajim

    That might make sense – if it wasn't complete and total bullshit. I believe almost every European country has a much lower level of belief in God than we USA Americans do – and I believe (now I didn't actually fact check this – and more than Huckster fact checked his horse hockey) that they have much lower levels of gun violence than we do. Sort of shoots a big ol' Jesusy hole in that theory.

    • SorosBot

      But it certainly can't have anything to do with the fact that European countries don't have our lower access to guns, because according to the NRA gun control actually increases violent crime!

    • sullivanst

      The ironic thing is that whilst Europeans have a lower rate of actual belief in God, they have a much higher rate of parochial schooling.

      Also, not just gun violence, but murder in general.

    • But the United States of Amerikkka is special (or exceptional, if you will) so our god is also special and needs to be worshiped by everyone all the time or he will kill you dead.

      • When my wife was a child her dad would cook Sunday breakfast while bellowing "The Lord God is a Jealous God and is King Above All Gods!", throwing in the occasional verse of "Mary was a Hebrew lass; and no one ever got her ass…".

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Oh, you're so cute, you and your facts and your examples of how what the Right says is the complete opposite of actual reality. You just keep doing that, it's adorable.

  • Seriously, Huck, think about this: if God was pissed about promiscuity and teh abortion, why would he kill innocent little non-aborted fetii?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      If God's Plan is to bring us all back into the fold and love him by killing innocent children, I don't think it's going to work.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        When they tell me "God works in mysterious ways…" I say "Boy Howdy!" but think, "Yeah, so do all psychos."

    • Yeah, I got two things out of his quiet, loving, condescending, smug, Christian analysis:

      God allowed 20 little kids to be murdered the other day to teach our society a lesson for allowing atheists to file lawsuits.

      God DID show up eventually. A little late and a dollar short, as usual. He's responsible for the good things that happened that day, like teachers acting heroically and cops showing up and doing their jobs.

      It's good to be God. What a job. You get all the credit for anything that goes right and anything that goes wrong is always somebody else's fault. I wish I could get a job where my performance was measured using those standards.

      Seriously, all snark aside, it makes me wonder how any rational adult could ever entertain traditional religious feelings. How stupid do you have to be to fall for this shit?

      • All weekend I kept hearing people say they were "praying" for the victims and their families. And I kept thinking, "And what the hell good will it do?" If god can't stop a child from being murdered, why would he take time to make a grieving parent feel better?" Not to mention he was probably busy this weekend helping football players make touchdowns.

      • drbill0620

        A very thoughtful and accurate analysis.

        What irks me the most about "god's will," is the BS about how the dead are in a "better place" and we are all going to "meet in heaven" when our time if finished here.

        I'm not counting on it..

        • tessiee

          I don't know whether there's an afterlife, but I'm *definitely* not counting on heaven.
          $>: – ]

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    Is it just me or are Conservatives standing in the kitchen, blueberry pie stains on their hands and face, shouting "It's not us! It's not our fierce opposition to gun control! The liberals ate it!"

    (Thanks to Al Sharpton for the excellent metaphor).

    • miss_grundy

      Today, they are pushing the idea that if people could openly carry, Newtown wouldn't have happened. These jerks live at the OK Corral bubble, in which they are all Clint Eastwood. I bet if a shooter pointed a gun barrel at them, they would probably shit their pants and squeal like a pig.

  • emmelemm

    That reminds me, I need a refill on my slut pills.

    • This is something I highly endorse!

      Probably should check on your BCPs also.

    • Antispandex

      No need. Aspirin between the knees, just as effective, and with less psycho school shooter side effects!

      • Biff

        Could cause Lionel Hutz to become rather shooty, however.

      • I've discussed the use of aspirin with em, but she is a women, and prone to making bad choices when it comes to men.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          And you are proof?

          • Well, she hasn't armed herself yet. Or at least she hasn't told me that she has.

    • RadioBitchFace

      Thank God I got them boner pills.

    • Gayer_Than_Thou

      Do those work? Because I haven't had much luck finding sluts. And you'd think, given that I'm looking for mansluts, that it wouldn't be that difficult.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        Have you tried looking in the South Carolina? They just appointed a total manslut to replace Jim DeMint, and he's chocolate too! But if you're not into darker meat Miss Lindsey Graham is still there too!

  • Baconzgood

    He's right you know. There is absolutly no carnage in the bible.

  • docterry6973

    I can't say what I want to say about Huckabee because rulz, so I will just say I think he has a very thick head and a very, very large amount of hate.

    • drbill0620

      I'd say he's a self-righteous pig, but nobody asked me…

  • SexySmurf

    Adam Lanza's mother had used the abortion pill, there wouldn't have been a shooting.

    • Stevola

      Beat me to it

    • miss_grundy

      And if she hadn't been such an enthusiastic gun collector. Really, your child displays mental and emotional problems and you decide to keep guns in the house. This from the woman who warned the babysitter not to turn his back on the kid.

    • Redgyal

      You forgot the word "if". Wonkette snark police.

  • Mike's having too much fun sodomizing Gomorrah.

    • PubOption

      And probably the next day, as well.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      What? He's into fucking giant Japanese lizards as well as being a run-of-the-mill Republican goatfucker? Oh wait, sorry, I thought you said "Godzilla", not Gomorrah. Gomorrah was that giant flying turtle thing, right?

      • tessiee

        Rodan was the big scary sculptor.

        • Baconzgood

          Hey hey…. let's leave Tojo films outta this o.k.? Let's have some respect for the Godzilla films.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    When we will evolve beyond needing idiots like Huckabee?

    • Kitty_Sanchez

      We won't. But I hope we at least evolve beyond having idiots like him having a prominent public voice.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      We never needed people like him. However, we got stuck with them anyway.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Isn't a better question whether idiots like Huckabee ever evolve beyond the level of poo-flinging monkeys?

  • Huck the fuck.

    • Geminisunmars

      What the Huck.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Fuck the Huck?

  • Pat_Pending

    Moar gunz in churches!

    • Botlrokit

      Especially in the Pastor-Parish Relations Committee. Some of those people can be really testy and obstinate.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      You jest, but this is exactly what they're proposing. You wouldn't believe my FB feed.

  • Veritas78

    The only silver lining to this tragedy (and it is a fat one) is that Mike Huckabee will now never be President.

    • Nostrildamus

      Kind of a pork lining.

  • gullywompr

    Huckabee is doing a lot of deflection… Does have an alibi for his whereabouts at the time of the shooting? It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • The shooter was probably under his control in Arkansas and Huck sent him to Connecticut. They would explain a lot.

    • Botlrokit

      Probably helping Glenn Beck bury that girl he possibly murdered.

      • tessiee

        While hiking the Appalachian trail.

  • Maybe someone should erect a private building where anyone who wants to talk freely about their god can attend. Maybe they should signify what this building is for by putting, maybe, a symbol, – say a cross – on top if it.

    Gee, if only there were appropriate places like that to go and worship instead of city parks and public buildings.

    • But who will make the public attend if not at gunpoint

      • Biff

        Oh, they have ways of guilting you into it.

    • Rotundo_

      And to promote these private gatherings we can exempt them from having to pay any taxes on any financial activities taking place there and ensure their viability by declaring no preferential treatment for any individual or group of them. Wow! what a concept!

    • Redgyal

      I have heard of these places. They are called hospitals.

  • Poindexter718

    We're one of the most religious of all developed countries in the world and prolly the most violent, Gov. Hucklebee. I'm not going to assert some sort of bullshit causality there, but unlike your little brainchild at least it would stand the most basic logic test!

  • Huck is just one colorful, all-caps sign away from the Westboro Church nutcases.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Anonymous has posted contact info of all the Westboro/Phelps Family Cult members. I looked at it. It was sickening to see how many young people are a part of it now. And it seems like the whole clan breed like rabbits.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I want Wayne LaPierre's home address.

    • bearperney

      Hey Fred Phelps! Satan's tailors called, your suit of flame is ready. Hurry on down!

  • CrunchyKnee

    God damnit.

  • bumfug

    Jesus, Huckabee, calm down. Take a pill.

    • widestanceromance

      Or 10.

    • ImSorryButUmNo

      Why? Is he pregnant?

    • Sparky McGruff

      Or a side of bacon.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Yes! When are the parents of those poor, poor murdered babies going to apologize to MIke for pushing God out of the public square?

    Huckabee is a fat fucking self-loathing putrid asshole.

  • finallyhappy

    Now if he was hit by a car tomorrow or lightning struck him, I might believe in God's will

  • I'm picturing Mike Huckabee sitting next to Mohamed Atta in Hell saying "What the fuck.. I thought I was doing God's work?" and Atta saying "You and me both brother".

    • tessiee

      Then Atta could turn to Lucifer and say, "So YOU'RE the Great Satan. Guess I was wrong".

  • Antispandex

    Fuckin' A! I was wondering how long it would take the wingers to blame people who had NOTHING to do with it (or the womens), for this tragedy! Well played sir, well played! It just shows that the Christians will NOT be outdone by the Muslins at putting the blame squarely where it belongs…somewhere between the vagina, and the boobs.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Why is it that I fell to invoke God's name whenever this man speaks? He must be holy as hell. Whenever I hear him I say, "Jesus Fucking Christ."

  • FakaktaSouth

    Mike Huckabee has not stopped using this tragedy for his own personal platform since the moment these people were murdered. He cannot stop begging for more and more attention on the souls of these dead people and I wish this whore untold suffering. He is an evil prick of the highest order and makes me hope he is right about a hell. He deserves a fucking eternity of that shit.

    • prommie

      I used to be disgusted, so then I tried to be amused, but really, that "amused" thing is a pose, and I cannot keep it up, because it hurts. Shit like this is an affront to me, a constant fucking assault, and I have been mad and sad and everything else but lately it just makes me so fucking tired.

  • Say Huck, wasn't your kid a dog torturer?

    Why, yes he was.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "David, who was named Arkansas State University’s 2001 Homecoming King, is now married and sometimes lists his occupation as a mortgage broker."

      I suppose that sometimes looks better on a resume than dog torturer.

      • Not after 2008 when dog torturer is the better choice.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Oh, right, you have a point there.

  • Well that don't sound right.

  • kingofmeh

    so, by this logic, there's probably never any mass shootings at religious schools, right?

    probably then, there will never be a shooting at Oikos University, in Oakland, California, whose mission is "to demonstrate a comprehensive knowledge of the Bible and an understanding of Christian doctrine"? perhaps the reports of a student killing 7 people there with a gun in April were just liberal media fabrications?

  • gullywompr

    Ideological right wingers like Huckabee bear the primary responsibility for how a family member of one of their own community committed this horrible act.

    There, I said it.

    • Biff

      He'll just draw a distinction between the Babtists and the Papists.

  • Kitty_Sanchez

    Mike's "nice-guy" costume is in tatters and continues to wear away. Soon he''ll just be totally naked Jerry Falwell.

    • He's passing dead Falwell, and hard on the heels of Phelps.

  • Botlrokit

    When God shows up at the town hall meetings, we'll ask him questions. Until then, his invisible, neutral and muted ass can stay invisible, neutral and mute.

  • Come here a minute

    Fat fuck is fat. (Again.)

    In the same way that weight loss supposedly predicted Al Gore's running for president, this clearly implies the Reverend Governor Huckabee is clearly the frontrunner for Falwell.

    • Swampgas_Man

      If he's running in front of Falwell in the pits of Hell, I'll accept it.

  • Confession: I used to think Huck was one of the slightly more likable and sane Republicans (cared some about the poorz, didn't aggrandize when the state gov-residence was remodeling, like Perry with his little 15K/month rental unit), in spite of that down-South religion stuff. But I was just wrong. Oops!

    • sullivanst

      This is why I used to consider Huckabee probably the most dangerous Republican. He had a media brand of being somehow compassionate, and if all you saw was a couple of minutes of him on The Daily Show, you could believe it.

  • Or the three kids killed at Heath High in Paducah, KY….while in a prayer circle.

    • vtxmcrider

      Or the numerous killings that have taken place right in churches … God must have left his house that day to attend an orgy or something. Certainly no one forced him out of his own home.

      • Biff

        Hey, it's football season. He ain't like Santa, he can't be everywhere…

        • So the real fault lies with…


  • Boredw/Gravitas

    But what does Huckabee think about rape?

    • His own or somebody elses?

    • gullywompr

      What kind of rape?

      • Boredw/Gravitas

        Legitimate, illegitimate, celebratory, whatever.

      • Geminisunmars


    • Didn't you see Blazing Saddles?

  • jaytingle

    I get the impression that this Hucksterbee guy is hooked on abortion pills.

  • Gov. Huckabee has a point, and I would suggest that we start placing large flaming "T"s in front of all our schools and in our public squares in support of tolerance. I'm sure Gov. Huckabee would support the symbolism.

  • mrpuma2u

    So called "men of gawd" spewing crap like this are why am an agnostic.

  • smellypossum

    I'm an atheist and I've yet to shoot anyone. I don't even advocate shooting anyone, if you can believe THAT coming from a godless hell-bound librul.

    I sure as shit don't need to listen to Fuckabee's re-tread screed about turning our backs on jeebus.

    Just how many people have died at the hands of the god-fearing shitheads anyway?

    • woolmyn

      I rarely discuss religion but when I have mentioned my atheism, two people on two separate occasions responded with "Well, what keeps you from killing people?" My answer depends on my mood. "Oh, I kill people all the time!" or I ask them if their religion is the only reason they don't kill. I'm really afraid that the fear of hell IS the only reason a lot of people don't kill.

      • That's always a terrifying moment that you realize that your "religious" friends are only kept from murder by the reassuring stories they tell themselves about the eye in the sky.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Billions. Religion is the largest cause of murder ever. And those fanatics always have their particular "god" on their side — from ancient times, through Inquisition, Reformation, to Northern Ireland, to Shia-Sunni, etc. And for a contemporary (Mormon) example read John Krakauer's "Under the Banner of Heaven."

  • christianmuslin

    At least he did not point directly to the fact that we have a black president, so there is that.

    • Biff

      "Godless" implies that, duh!

  • SorosBot

    If Huckabee's god were real, then he would be a complete monster who no decent human being could worship.

    • My Godzilla Is An Awesome Godzilla

  • Cleopatriot

    Thanks, Mike, but we don't need to be reminded you're a mean-spirited fuck.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      No, I want these guys to just keep talking, so the Great Uninformed can keep hearing how insane the Far Right is. Their idiocy got Obama elected twice, and I'm still holding out for Hilz.

  • Callyson

    So, this all happened because God threw a temper tantrum.

    • smellypossum

      Yep, that's the message…

      And it's exactly that kind of message that had me walking away from the church at age 14 thinking, "what the fuck???"

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "Oh, are you one of those 'critical thinkers'? I'm afraid there's no room in the church for you."

    • The Church of the Holy Hissy, – M. Huckwad, pastor

    • Ya know, if God were great, you'd think he would have already finished off all the sinners via Katrina, Sandy, and about a million fires and mudslides he started out California way. God's lookin like a fail to me.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Wouldn't be the first time. (source- the Bible)

  • mavenmaven

    Huckabee with these comments has certainly brought God back into the conversation. Usually with a face palm and the phrase "Oh God, what did this idiot just say?".

  • Callyson

    “Churches and Christian-owned businesses are told to surrender their values under the edict of government orders to provide tax-funded abortion pills. We carefully and intentionally stop saying things are sinful and we call them disorders. Sometimes, we even say they’re normal.”

    "Oh, for fuck's sake."

    – God

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      So, that's code for Huckabee's gay and ashamed of it, am I reading that right?

      • Callyson

        You got it.

  • cousinitt

    American Wingnut™ What the well-dressed professional Christian loon is wearing this year: and no gheys in line with you to make you feel icky.

    thx wikipedia

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Don't we wish.

  • SheriffJoeBiden

    Wow, Mike Huckabee's God is REALLY needy! Use a condom, kid gets shot. Do gay stuff, kid gets shot. Forget to talk and think about God every goddamn waking moment, kid, shot. Who put this God in charge anyway??

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Must be the same asshole god who's in charge of Afghanistan and Pakistan. Won't the Xtards be surprised!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Fat stupid fuckface is fat, stupid.

    • proudgrampa

      And a fuckface.

  • jolpaj

    I wonder if he could possibly be an asshole?

    • widestanceromance

      I wonder if he could possibly be more of an asshole.

    • proudgrampa

      Well, fersure he's a fuckface.

  • And to think – a LOT of people believe he could have been the ONE to beat Obama!

  • Wait a DARNED MINUTE!!!! If we build TWO 10 commandment monuments that means 20 COMMANDMENTS!!!

    That could get into things like chew'in, and spit'n and driving too fast when there's no cops around.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      They'd just be like Xerox copies, only made of granite.

  • smellypossum

    The simple-mindedness of Huck's argument is really offensive AND it gives cover to the right wingers clinging to their guns and religion.

    If we all just believed in jeebus like Mike does, and do what Mike tells us is right, then these bad things won't happen anymore.

    Self righteous mother fucker.

  • snowpointsecret

    “We carefully and intentionally stop saying things are sinful and we call them disorders. Sometimes, we even say they’re normal.”

    Mike Huckabee's right. Being a hyper-conservative is too often considered normal.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      As is being an evangelical Christian.

    • sullivanst

      Mike Huckabee could be the poster child for the Anne Lamott quote:

      You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

  • Meanwhile, even the pastoral set has had it:

    "Mr. Huckabee, please stop using tragedies like this as a platform for espousing your particular political vision of church-state relations. The problem isn't that our public culture isn't Christian enough; the problem is that your theology isn't Christian enough. "

    • Callyson

      God approves that message.

  • Honestly, can we encourage the Red States to secede, please???

  • Wile E. Quixote

    So let me see if I have this straight, if I'm not constantly down on my knees and publicly praying to fag evangelical Jeebus or whatever asshole deity Mike Huckabee worships (and isn't it amazing how many evangelicals are ignorant lumps of shit who never read the book of Matthew, chapter 6) fag evangelical Jeebus or whoever it is I've offended by my lack of toadying is going to send a fucking psycho nutjob to murder children in elementary schools?

    • Biff

      You've been paying attention!

  • Walkinwiddaking

    Sure Mike, whatever. As in whatever youfatasspieceofhypocriticalshit.


  • Baconzgood

    "Alotta people thought last summer game's was Huckibees last big show but he's here today."

    "Not an easy jump either Chet. Its rated at a 9.5 in difficulty"

    "Here he comes..he hits the vault. Goes over America's sorrow, uses the death of children to pander to the religious right, twists into health care, deflects nation wide conversation about lax gun laws into prayer in school and…..OH MY GOD HE STICKS THE LANDING!!! HE STICKS THE LANDING!!!"

    "AMAZING CHET! I don't think anyone one team Romania has the experience to pull that off. Just a great spin Dr vault for Mike."

  • Wile E. Quixote

    So what did Mike Huckabee do that pissed God off so badly that he sent a psycho to murder Huckabee's cousin.

    • RadioBitchFace

      Awesome find.

  • glamourdammerung

    Remember when that "liberal media" kept pushing Huckabee as a moderate Republican that was sane (as though that type exists anymore)?

    • anniegetyerfun

      My mom keeps telling me that he's really "a good guy" because he doesn't actually froth when he speaks.

      • glamourdammerung

        That is only because he does not want his kid mistaking him for a dog, and then hanging and stoning him.

    • not that Dewey

      He was gonna play bass from the White House portico, Jimi Hendrix or something. Wouldn't that TOTALLY make up for all this misogynistic anti-humanist psychopathy?

  • So how come there are basically none of these mass killings in comparatively Godless Europe? Kinda sounds like Satan or the Antichrist or whoever it is that runs the EU really looks out for his folks over there.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Don't forget Anders Brevik and the murders in Norway. (Would that we could forget such horror.)

      • Right, but part of the reason it was a big deal was that it's the sort of thing that is a super-rare, once-in-more-than-a-generation sort of occurrence. Over here, in God's own US America, where Jesus wrote the Second Amendment along with the rest of the Constitution, it's an average Tuesday.

  • Ok. So that explains the shootings in the public schools. But what did the Amish do to piss off his nibs?

  • RadioBitchFace

    I like how he says the left wing media (whatever the fuck that is) misinterpreted his statements about this being the result of not having school prayer. "That's not what I said." Then he goes on to explain that he meant the massacre was a result of "god being escorted out of the public square." And condoms, and birth control, and the ghey, and then I stopped listening.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      "god being escorted out of the public square."

      Someone else pointed this out but isn't it kind of amazing how an omnipresent, omnipotent and an omniscient deity can so easily be escorted out of schools and other public places.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I bet a yummy pie or a tasty all you can eat breakfast would do it.

  • Biff

    I may be wrong, but based on information supplied me by the librul media, the murderer was a member of the calf-lick church there in Newtown. So based on Huck's "logic", maybe he was just trying to bring god to the skool? Suffer the little children, and all that…

    • tessiee

      There are a lot of Protestant assholes who think that Catholics aren't "Christian".

  • Baconzgood

    And this, my friends, was one of the "sane" ones in the primary.

  • I thought it was weird when Sarah Palin had lip-liner tattooed on her, but check this out — this Huckabee motherfucker has an asshole tattooed on his face.

  • Blueb4sinrise
  • Huck, you shameless spokespimp for easy moralizing: you're giving sluts a bad name in more ways than one.

  • LibrarianX

    It's a good thing the poor, innocent little children are still safe in church, in the care of their priest, where God will protect them. Wait – what???

  • sullivanst

    Fox News did this country a huge favor when it gave Huckabee a platform from which we could all see what a nasty little turd he is beneath that affable exterior.

    • tessiee

      Romney and Ryan, too.

  • Botlrokit

    Why do this shameful "in for a penny, in for a pound" dance all the time, like we have with Israel? Why can't Christians stand up and loudly declare, "Okay, we need to back out of this for a little while, fire up a joint together, and get seriously introspective about our relationship to all this fucked up shit."?

    This is not asking a lot, Christians. Frankly, we'd respect you a shitload more if you would.

  • LibrarianX

    This God sounds like a whiny and hormonal co-dependent teenaged girl.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      He needs to be grounded.

    • That's why his followers made him up — so they wouldn't sound that way and they could pretend their stupid utterances were from someone other than themselves.

    • Teenage girl libel.

    • tessiee

      "This God sounds like a whiny and hormonal co-dependent teenaged girl."

      *runs up stairs*
      *slams door*
      *blares "Ave Maria"*

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    God is angry because a hot piece of lead that can fly faster than the speed of sound in order to kill his creations was never part of his plan.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      But, but, but…doesn't HE know all and everything??

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I kinda got the message at an early age that church and religion were bogus when the head elder/deacon would sit in the back of the church and point at the clock if the Reverend went over the one hour mark.

    Yeah, this is an important use of my time!

    Thanks God it wasn't mandatory after Dad died.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      "Most people can't bear to sit in church for more than an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?" Mark Twain

  • TootsStansbury

    Huck you, Mike Fuckabee.

  • MonkeyMotion

    Yeah, Huck — explain how much good praying in school has done for those hundreds of Catholic kids molested by priests over the last few decades. Huck?

    • MosesInvests

      Papists, duh.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    So was it the lack of God in American life that caused Huck's son to be a fat, psycho dog-torturer and caused Huck to let Wayne Dumond out of jail so he could rape and kill again and let Maurice Clemmons out so he could kill?

    • emmelemm

      Oh, man. I had forgotten about the Huckabee – Maurice Clemmons connection.

  • proudgrampa

    "Mark my word, if and when these preachers get control of the [Republican] party, and they're sure trying to do so, it's going to be a terrible damn problem. Frankly, these people frighten me. Politics and governing demand compromise. But these Christians believe they are acting in the name of God, so they can't and won't compromise. I know, I've tried to deal with them.
    The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom…. I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' and 'D.' Just who do they think they are?… I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of "conservatism."

    – Barry Goldwater, (1909–1998), five-term US Senator, Republican Party nominee for President in 1964*, Maj. Gen., US Air Force Reserves, author of The Conscience of a Conservative.

    I cannot believe how prescient Barry Goldwater was.

    • Goldwater was just leery of others honing in on his fascism.

    • tessiee

      I can't believe how left-wing Barry Goldwater was, at least by today's standards.

      • proudgrampa

        I truly believe that Goldwater's "conservatism" is today's "liberalism" or whatever you want to call it.

        He wouldn't recognize the sick, twisted, monster that conservatism has become today.

        • Negropolis

          Well, besides the wholesale rejection of the Civil Rights movement.

          I mean, Barry was ridiculously consistent, so I guess he gets kudos for that, but with that comes all of the historical and social baggage of the libertarian movement in America, and it's not exactly kind to minorities to say the very least. That's the thing about American libertarianism, when it's on, it's really on, but when it's wrong, boy is it ever wrong.

          I wouldn't call Barry of those that have followed him liberals in the modern-day American sense of the word; they just happen not to be Christers.

          • proudgrampa

            Well, I gotta agree, somewhat, with that. My understanding is that he believed (yeah, maybe he had blinders on) that the Constitution already guaranteed equal rights. Well, nobody's perfect, I guess.

  • Biff
    • Wile E. Quixote

      I think that this is the best account of Inouye's World War II service that I've ever read.

      • Biff

        Excellent, thanks.

      • emmelemm

        Dude, what the what?

        Where's this guy's movie?!!?

    • Geminisunmars

      Now, why was God mad at Sen. Inouye?

      • Guppy

        Not white enough.

        • Geminisunmars

          Oh silly me. Of course.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I just heard Sheer InSannity use the fake George Washington "liberty teeth" quote to justify private gun ownership.

    Be on the lookout for the right wing nutz to keep draging this one out!

  • DahBoner

    I find these giant douchebag hard to believe without an accompanying unrelated photo of Lenny Kravitz in a giant scarf.

    Weird, but true!

  • calliecallie

    I am so ready for the Rapture to come and take these people away.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      No kidding, Jesus has really fallen down on his deliverables with the the Rapture™ project. Someone needs to take him aside and point out that, son of God or no son of God, that if he doesn't get his shit together we're going to fire his ass and replace him with that new kid who spells his name the same way but pronounces it "Hay-soose". Whatever, as long as he gets the job done on time.

      • He's just kicking back with a joint, waiting for the Mayans to finish up here.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Yeah, maybe if we were all indoctrinated at gunpoint the way Mike Huckabee wants us to be then God would stop murdering innocent school children.

  • barto

    Not sure why Stewart gives that asshat such a major pass on his show. People of his ilk are truly sick fucks who need therapy, stat.

  • bravo_sierra

    I'll make Huckabee a deal: if he stops blaming the mass murder of children on gays and abortion enthusiasts, I'll stop blaming religion for murder, low IQ, divorce and poverty even though the data ARE TOTALLY ON MY SIDE:

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Is that His message? That God dude is one obtuse/subtle motherfucker.

  • dcjdjay

    And innocent children all over the world go to bed hungry because Mike Huckabee and his fat brood of fat fatties are eating all the food.

  • Hey, we are the shining city on the fucking hill so be careful about how you refer to god and his messengers like Huckleberry.

  • mustangsavvy

    Yeah Huck, that's it. It's because there isn't enough Jesus and God talk in our public discourse! It's not like it's basically an implicit test of CHARACTER to INSIST that one is a Christian to even be considered for the highest office in the land, or anything.

    (Not just a person of faith, mind you – a Christian, thank you very much. No fucking pagans Wiccans or atheists or Hindoos and Muslins for President in this country. Mormons? Yeah sure. Even though Evangelicals would rather spit on a Mormon than break bread with them but sure, Romney wasn't black so hugs all round.)

    It's not like the current President hasn't been hounded since before he even got elected about being the "right" kind of Christian. But sure, yeah, Christ has been *excluded* from every facet of public life. Except during the NATIONAL Prayer Breakfast every SINGLE year. And during every public memorial of a national tragedy where it's basically expected that there will be some form of prayer by a Christian clergy. And oh yes, the inauguration of the PRESIDENT. Prayers. Every time.

    The fact that Mike fucking Huckabee is still considered credible is all the evidence God needs that the *actual* message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not getting thru. You know the one about Loving Others as Ourselves and Loving God? Yeah – not so much in today's America. In today's America, we are one election away from having GOP candidates duke it out, gladiator style, on who is the MOST CHRISTIAN of them all, all the while spitting on the Cross and their fellow man with their utter hypocrisy & depravity. In Huck's America – it's religious freedom for Christians ONLY and FOREVER.

    • tessiee

      "(Not just a person of faith, mind you – a Christian, thank you very much. No fucking pagans Wiccans or atheists or Hindoos and Muslins for President in this country. Mormons? Yeah sure. Even though Evangelicals would rather spit on a Mormon than break bread with them"

      "If the system were different, every state in the US would have two Jewish senators, one a lawyer and the other a doctor. The world would be run by the Jews and the Chinese, and we'd have nothing but aggravation on our hands. So take it and welcome, goyim" — Louise Blecher Rose

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hey Huck, gods not down with glutony either.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Mike Huckabee and Bryan Fischer, working hard to confirm H.L. Mencken when he said

    "…Evangelical Christianity, as everyone knows, is founded upon hate, as the Christianity of Christ was founded upon love."

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Nothing bad could possibly happen in a church? Zombie Sir Thomas More begs to differ.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Thomas Becket, too.

    • So does George Tiller, and also those Unitarians in Knoxville. But of course those weren't "real" churches, which is why it's not even worth mentioning that shooting at that Sikh temple, also too.

  • In other cleric news:

    Rev Al just slipped up on the air and referred to a "lame dick session." True.

    • Aridzona

      In fairness, he had just finished talking about John Boehner.

    • proudgrampa

      Somehow, I don't think that was a slip up.

      Good for him!

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Why is it that whenever Mike Huckabee or Bryan Fischer opens their mouths and tells us that we all need to worship fag, evangelical Jeebus or he's going to get pissed and murder more children that I'm remind of the prayer from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.

    CHAPLAIN: Let us praise God. O Lord,…
    CHAPLAIN: …ooh, You are so big,…
    CONGREGATION: …ooh, You are so big,…
    CHAPLAIN: …so absolutely huge.
    CONGREGATION: …so absolutely huge.
    CHAPLAIN: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
    CONGREGATION: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.
    CHAPLAIN: Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and…
    CONGREGATION: And barefaced flattery.
    CHAPLAIN: But You are so strong and, well, just so super.
    CONGREGATION: Fantastic.

    CHAPLAIN and CONGREGATION: [singing]
    O Lord, please don't burn us.
    Don't grill or toast Your flock.
    Don't put us on the barbecue
    Or simmer us in stock.
    Don't braise or bake or boil us
    Or stir-fry us in a wok.
    Oh, please don't lightly poach us
    Or baste us with hot fat.
    Don't fricassee or roast us
    Or boil us in a vat,
    And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord,
    In a Rotissomat."

    • DahBoner

      Do Lord, did ya remember to marinate me?

  • docterry6973

    So it's the abortion pills. You women and your sexybits, always ruining it for good Christian men.

    • emmelemm

      Have you been talking to Lionel Hutz? Because that's his line.

  • obfuscator2

    so. after god was "removed" from our schools, his absence resulted in the massacre of 22 children. i'm somewhat familiar with the old testament and i don't think former pastor huckabee's assertion is biblically sound. of COURSE god would never have allowed those kids to be harmed if he we hadn't kicked him out of our classrooms. god would positively WEEP at very idea of violence against children…

    except that time when he used a flood to wipe out the world's population.

    and that other time when he burned sodom & gomorrah to the ground.

    and that time he ordered abraham to prove his loyalty to god by murdering his own son.

    and that time he killed all the firstborn sons of egypt in that charlton heston movie.

    if pastor mike wanted to truly go full metal jacket and follow this idea through to its logical conclusion, he'd admit that his hardass vengeful god didn't ALLOW those kids to be slaughtered. huckabee's angry old testament god more likely saw how faggy and abortiony his subjects had become and decided to murder a bunch of babies, using lanza as the instrument of his will.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      You forgot about the time God sent two bears to murder 42 children because they made fun of the prophet Elisha for being bald.

      • Mandorlin

        And the multiple instances of commanding his armies to rip babies from their mothers' wombs (but abortion is WRONG!) and dash their children's heads against the stones.

  • cousinitt

    The Huckster at 2:10 sez that "God did show up, in the lives of teachers who put their lives between the gunman and their students…" Nice of God to show up AFTER THE FUCK. And then when HE does, he makes the teachers die protecting the kids because the all-important KING of the freaking Universe can be bothered to get up out of a hissy and smite the gunman because HE made sexytime too sexy. Way to go there, god–time to take away your tenure and your union rights in the Federation of Cosmic Spirits and Entities.

    Bad god, no biscuit.

  • sundaytrucker

    If only those slut-pills didn't work, those kids could've used the never-born kids as human shields. When will we learn america…when will we learn?

  • Pithaughn

    Hey Mikey, if I thought frog marching your sky friend out of the public square was possible, believe you me I'd be first in line. But you know what, there are no supernatural beings who do or do not give a shit about this universe much less the little bags of organic chemicals we call Christians.

  • Pithaughn

    Oh dear, makes you wonder if humans will make it long enough for reason and rational thinking to make a difference in the survival of the species and an environment that supports life as we know it. Seems like these "religious" leaders just can't wait for the end times, and if they get a chance just might nudge things along.

  • jello_mold

    God's gettin' warmed up for 12/20/12.

  • chascates

    Your comment must be approved by the site admins before it will appear publicly.


  • deliman4

    The same man who was a spokesman to repeal Obamacare, heard he made a half a million doing that.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Maybe the reason this happened is because God was in on it. Remember, Mike Huckabee's God is the sick and twisted fuck who sent two bears to murder 42 children for making fun of the prophet Elisha and who also wrote "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." Yeah, Mike Huckabee's God is a sick fuck, just like Mike.

    • chascates

      My comment above was kicked out for some reason but I mentioned how God treated Job, almost forced Abraham to kill his son Isaac, and all the times he ordered the Jews to kill everyone (including children and animals) in a town they conquered. Eat an apple that allows you to see you're naked and untold billions are punished.

      Talk about a cosmic sociopath! And look at his followers!

  • NinjaCat_Baba

    Please explain it again Mike. But this time, tell to the family who lost thier children why they didn't belief your version of Christ or belief in christ hard enough. By then, Fox will have to find another idiot to replace your god awful show. Go back making psudo-history or what ever for home schoolerz.

  • TribecaMike

    And I thought it was because Lady Chatterley's Lover can be sold legally. The culture war ain't what it used to be.

  • GeneralLerong

    The religious belief that was hardest for me to give up when I became an atheist was the notion that there exists an afterlife in Hell, Capital H, where evildoers roast, reaping their just reward for the torture they've inflicted upon everyone else. Raining down upon the fiery pits like dead leaves in autumn…

    Sigh. Good times.

  • BarackMyWorld

    To the people, such as Mike Huckabee, who are saying the Connecticut shooting happened because there isn't enough religion in schools, I need to publicly disagree. Did it occur to anyone that the reason there have been so many mass shootings isn't because we "took God out of school" but because automatic weapons haven't always been so easily available to the public? We are talking about weapons that didn't even exist for most of this country's history. There are dozens and dozens of countries in the world less religious than hours that do not have the mass shooting epidemic that we do. Having every child pray every morning before class or read Bible stories would not cure mental illness. There is absolutely no connection between public religiousness and this act of insanity, and trying to link the two isn't going to help solve this problem.

  • blogmomme

    Maybe Huckabee should join Fred Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church. And, then he could picket the Sandy Hook funerals and say it was all caused by the GAYS!

  • One of the side effects of gastric bypass surgery is something called "dumping syndrome," which causes nausea, vomiting, bloating, cramping, diarrhea, dizziness, and fatigue. Isn't that nice to think about?

  • ttommyunger

    God was on hand about five thousand years ago when all those Egyptian and Philistinian men, women and children were being slaughtered by the thousands by Moses and later by Joshua. That would be covered in the book of Exodus in the Bible, though. I doubt the Huckster has read that one.

  • tessiee

    I didn't give two shits about anything Mike Huckabee had to say during the fifteen minutes that he was running for President. How much do I care now?

  • tessiee

    So, this God, or the Boogeyman, or whoever, has to be the center of attention every second, and if we take a break from kissing his ass, he'll get all pissy and slaughter a bunch of kindergarteners?
    Welp, sounds deserving of worship to ME, how about you guys?

  • tessiee

    That's probably why there are never any shootings in churches or temples, huh?

  • tessiee

    Fat, bible-thumping, and stupid is no way to go through life, Mikey.

  • jello_mold

    Huck is the creepiest rightwinger of them all, I think. I half-expect his faceplate to fall off any second, a la Westworld.

  • Negropolis

    You know, only tangentially related, but I think we need to call out these public gun nuts on television and publically ask them if they are carrying and if not, when and where they do. Because, I think we'll find a lot of these "tough guys" are fuckin' phonies who've never shot a gun in their life, or at least don't carry yet want everyone else to.

    Does Huckabee carry in the studio? Produce the goods muthafucker.

  • Negropolis

    If the school had had a Tabernacle, this would have never happened. This all started happening when we took the Tabernacles out of the schools.

  • ElPinche

    Huck needs to shove more chic fil A in his piehole and STFU.

  • Severen13

    Birth-control pills cause the shootings carried out by… Huh. Who woulda thunk?

  • feminazipenishrinker

    Ugh…. FUCK these assholes and there 'Jeebus wasn't allowed in schools' message. Can you imagine how terrifying that message is to children or, frankly many 'God-fearing' adults? That God is such a douche, you'd better publicly praise him every moment or he will send/allow a monster to gun you down while you make macaroni necklaces and learn to read?

    What. The. Fuck?

    I miss The Hitch so very very very much.

  • Lizzietish81

    Oh come on Wonkette, no mention of Victoria Jackson's contribution to the debate?

    I am disappoint.

  • Botlrokit

    It would make sense that a preacher would say "We need more Bible."

    Just like a professional welder would say "This needs more solder."

  • Dumbedup

    It is a good time to see who actually has a heart out there and who is an irredeemable piece of shit. Huckabee is a POS. If there is a god, he should smite him for his callous opportunism and total lack of christian compassion.

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    If those children had been praying instead of learning to read none of this would have happened.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    If nobody captions a 7.62 mm bullet with the phrase "Taxpayer funded abortion pill", I will be disappointed.

  • anteater

    Shouldn't this god be thrilled that some fat-ass cracker loves him with all his might?

  • Vyqxn James

    So Mike is done believing Newtown never happened?

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