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You can all put away your theories about there being too many or too few guns, because Heavenly Megaphone Mike Huckabee knows why unhinged sociopaths keep using military equipment to decimate fellow humans in everyday settings. Huck’s got his eye on you, over 99% of sexually active women of child-bearing age who’ve used contraceptives! Oh, and gays too. Don’t think we’re not well aware of your role in all of this.

Appearing Friday on Fox News, Huckabee took a break from his duties as stunt-double for the cucumber in Veggie Tales to explain to the nation why all it’s godless, raucous frolicking is responsible for the recent, ghastly collection of mass murders in America. Why are people even surprised? You people turned your back on God, and since locusts are a little too Old Testament we now all have to deal with newer Jared Lee Loughner/James Holmes style punishments.

“We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools,” Huckabee said on Fox News. “Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?”

So, mystery solved. You wanna start talking funny monkey and dinosaur talk in schools? Fine, but you have to expect what’s coming. And yes, this may sound like basically the same argument made by the Westboro Baptist Church without the “and we’re glad it’s happening, too” packaging, but before you become biased against it for being watered down, consider the much more hateful message behind all that already hateful sounding code.

For example, when the Huckster took to the teevee again on Saturday to explain the horrors our society has inflicted in god –

“…we’ve escorted Him right out of our culture and we’ve marched Him off the public square, and then we express our surprise that a culture without Him actually reflects what it’s become.”

– you have to poke around a little at that code word “God,” because Huckabee isn’t talking about any old god, no siree. God hasn’t been removed from the public conversation any more than the public has – or the conversation, even – because with exception of a handful of rapscallions, the vast majority of Americans believe in some form of celestial or spiritual force. God is still very much part of the equation, only his/her form and message are more open to interpretation. What we really have is a multi-religious, global sampler-plate culture, so this must be the culture he’s referring to – the one that reflects its true self through the murder of innocent children. All of this is somewhat soothing, since Yr. Wonkette worried for a brief moment that this might actually be some sincere reflection on the moral direction of the country instead of another much needed cry for a whiter, more Judeo-Christian past. Dodged a bullet there!


Luckily, there are a few tangible lessons we can take away from Huckabee’s wise analysis:

1) We have to let the Judeo-Christian back into American society. If your city or town has only erected one Ten Commandments monument on government property, demand they construct a second! Above all else, we as Americans must remember and pay tribute to god at all times. Huckabee puts it best:

“We’ve created an atmosphere in this country where the only time you want to invoke God’s name is after the tragedy.”

It’s important for this nation to invoke God’s name before tragedies – then at least the deaths are more like sacrifices and we might get some rain out of the whole thing.

2) Ungodly behavior must not be tolerated in America any longer. Remember your code words – ungodly behavior is really any behavior deemed offensive by Mike Huckabee’s God. Consider the way we’re conducting ourselves:

“Churches and Christian-owned businesses are told to surrender their values under the edict of government orders to provide tax-funded abortion pills. We carefully and intentionally stop saying things are sinful and we call them disorders. Sometimes, we even say they’re normal.”

Did you chat up a gay while checking out at American Apparel yesterday? Next time, try a curb stomp. Have you been popping taxpayer-funded abortion pills like Tic-Tacs? Kick the habit, sister! Little by little we can all appease God’s righteous wrath and end the bloodshed, if only everyone does his/her individual part. With time, we CAN heal, if only we take Mike Huckabee’s prescription and divide ourselves further.


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