All Your Christmas Shopping In One Place, Unless You Have To Buy Stuff For Your Stupid Kids

  give us all your moneys

Every vagina needs teethYou will have to go elsewhere for your creepy Elmo dolls (in fact, you probably want to just click that Amazon box in the righthand sidebar so that when Amazon forces your local mom and pop store out of business, at least your local mom and pop website gets a cut). We we do not have a single item for your stupid kids. What do we have? Hats, coffee cups, gift wrap, some other stuff, some more other stuff, and scary underwear.

Your editrix thought this scary underwear, with its vagina teeth, was hilarious. Apparently, no one else agrees, because it is crashing and burning like the Romney campaign, although we didn’t spend quite as much money. So we have dropped the prices on our scary underwear from whatever they were to a much more reasonable $12.99. Don’t worry, we will make it up in the price-gauging shipping and handling! (It is not actually price-gauging. You are subsidizing the shipping and handling of people who buy coffee cups. UNFAIR! SOCIALISMS! That’s right, deal with it.) For the one millionth time, that is not your editrix’s cameltoe. Your editrix was the one taking the (HOT! GIRL-ON-GIRL!) pictures.

Here are some hats! That is your Editrix. Please note the distinct lack of cameltoe. They also come in “black” and “beanie” for the aging punks in your life.

Here are coffee cups. You guys have been doing a good job buying these. Good job, you! You have not been buying very many of our “The One” cups, and we do not really blame you. We fucked up the design a little bit so you really can’t see B. Barry Bamz’s face very well, in the sky, as he appears to the shepherds or Romans or thieves or whatever. You could buy it anyway if you like things that are a little fucked up, like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, or a girl with one leg. Or you could just be like everyone else, and buy the Old Handsome Joe cups and the Smokin’ Joe cups. Those are perfect. Sheeple.

Oh my gosh, look at these adorable girls! They are the daughter and daughter’s friend of devoted reader “Allen” or “William” or something, who knows. They are in our V-neck Kitten tees, which we are almost completely out of, but you can still give it a try. What are we not almost out of?

Our crewnecks! We are not almost out of those!

There is some other stuff too, you could click around! And then you will write us and say EDITRIX! We cannot figure out how to actually BUY the scary underwear! That is because our bazaar is poorly designed, and we do not know how to fix it. What you have to do is scroll alllll the way down to the bottom, and that is when it is going to say “choose an option” like size or beanie, and then after you “choose an option,” THEN it will let you buy it.

Orders received by this Thursday will get to you in time for Christmas. (#WAR)

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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70 comments

  1. Goonemeritus

    Considering the average age of the typical Wonketteer you might want to consider adding some logoed “Spanks” or other similar supportive under garments. Some nice low elastic socks would be helpful for the older gents with gout as well.

    1. Lot_49

      This "masterbation" of which you speak—is it anything like "masturbation," a.k.a., fapping? Or is it some new advanced technique with bondage overtones? Just wonderin…

    2. Mittens Howell, III

      Right handed fappers always spell masturbate with an 'e' instead of a "u" because it's on the left hand side of the keyboard.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        So here's an interesting factoid. On a QWERTY keyboard the word "dexter", meaning "right-handed", is entirely typed with the fingers of the left hand.

  2. Beach_Bubba_Tex

    Good luck with this capitalism thing.

    Remember, when in doubt, to take every opportunity to slash staff salary (particularly over the holidays) and always make up your margins through obscure charges. Do this until you can say "I sincerely regret that Romney did not get his chance to be president" aloud.

        1. glasspusher

          Man, kittie, I should know that one…all my dad taught me were swear words and holidays. Христос родился?

          1. glasspusher

            Yeah, I know enough Cyrillic that I could sound it out, but that was not a word I heard my dad use…ha fucking ha.

  3. noodlesalad

    Any hoveround bumper stickers? I'm too old to wear a t-shirt with a dominatrix on it, even if she is a librul.

  4. Mumbletypeg

    by Thursday…[shipped] in time for Christmas

    Keep in mind the Mumblety method as befitting one's procrastination handicap when it comes to delivering your gifts at holiday-time. Per year-to-year routine: It helps to keep a set of "Happy New Year" cards for when you don't reach all of your (esp. long-distance) Xmas designatees in time.
    So don't be disappointed if Thursday comes and goes and you still haven't gotten your sad act together (I speak as one who knows). Keep ordering as the pay pittance allows.. Sending a belated wonk-merchandise-y gift to tell someone "I'm glad it's another year and you're still here!" could mean even more to the recipient than a mere "Here's your thing I'm sending you in the name of Jesus Miracle Hour" or whatever.

  5. AlterNewt

    As a rule, coffee mugs are a better gift than big panties with teeth. That being said, Editrix has a wonderful smile.

  6. chascates

    Dress up your little tykes in bullet-proof clothes this Christmas! Or maybe give them tattoos to aid in victim identification!

    Or call/write/fax/email your local, state, and national legislatures and flat-out demand they act on gun violence or that lump of 'clean coal' won't be found in their stocking but upside their heads..

    1. finallyhappy

      I plan to write to Chris Van Hollen- no GOP person will ever beat him here(given as a supposed reason that even Dems won't stand up for what is right) and if he can't stand up for serious gun control- maybe we need a more progressive Dem in ever ore progressive Montgomery County,

  7. memzilla

    I wonder if the manufacturing process could be made agile enough to react quickly to news events. IOW, buy the stock, but print the message on a just-in-time basis.

    Because I'm guessing that "F**K THE NRA" merchandise would move especially well right now. Without asterices.

  8. DahBoner

    Crewnecks? Ever wondered why they're called'crewnecks'? Where's the crew?

    //the 90's called. Seinfeld is cancelled

  9. memzilla

    Wonkette™ Brand Genuine Bunchable Panties + NRA Sarcasm Overprint (i.e., running them through the silkscreen (?) process again).

    Message: "You Can Have My Cameltoe When You Pry My Hot Live Fingers Off Of It"

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      Aruba, Jamaica ooo I wanna take you
      To Bermuda, Bahama come on pretty mama
      Key Largo, Montego baby why don't we go
      Down to Cameltoe.

  10. glasspusher

    My kid is smart. I will buy something for him as well, when we get back from our winta wundaland weekend…

  11. BTWBFDIMHO

    My poodle will be in Santa Fe next week and needs a small wife-beating t-shirt. Which floor is your pet department?

  12. sullivanst

    And then you will write us and say EDITRIX! We cannot figure out how to actually BUY the scary underwear! That is because our bazaar is poorly designed, and we do not know how to fix it.

    Seems to me the assumption of your eCommerce solution is that you'll put the images in the images collection, and not in the description. Keep the description short so you don't have to scroll forever to get to the actual buying part.

  13. ttommyunger

    How much more to you charge for the "Gently Used and unwashed" Panties and do they come in "open crotch"?

  14. Wile E. Quixote

    For the one millionth time, that is not your editrix’s cameltoe. Your editrix was the one taking the (HOT! GIRL-ON-GIRL!) pictures.

    Well when will we get some pictures of our editrix's cameltoe? Inquiring minds want to fap know?

  15. sullivanst

    Right your are, I see now the big pix are coming after the wrapping tag for the description. I have to say, their documentation leaves something to be desired, but if I were you I'd start by looking in your theme probably at single-product.php and see if there's anything shoved between the do_action calls for the short description and the variations.But hey, not sure how much benefit you'll get from listening to me, who's never used WordPress ;)

  16. Wile E. Quixote

    So I was wondering, could you model the Wonkette™ T-shirt like you are in that picture where you're holding the beer but pour some water all over the T-shirt while you're wearing it so we can see if the Wonkette™ logo is colorfast?

Comments are closed.