GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEYS  9:30 am December 17, 2012

All Your Christmas Shopping In One Place, Unless You Have To Buy Stuff For Your Stupid Kids

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Every vagina needs teethYou will have to go elsewhere for your creepy Elmo dolls (in fact, you probably want to just click that Amazon box in the righthand sidebar so that when Amazon forces your local mom and pop store out of business, at least your local mom and pop website gets a cut). We we do not have a single item for your stupid kids. What do we have? Hats, coffee cups, gift wrap, some other stuff, some more other stuff, and scary underwear.

Your editrix thought this scary underwear, with its vagina teeth, was hilarious. Apparently, no one else agrees, because it is crashing and burning like the Romney campaign, although we didn’t spend quite as much money. So we have dropped the prices on our scary underwear from whatever they were to a much more reasonable $12.99. Don’t worry, we will make it up in the price-gauging shipping and handling! (It is not actually price-gauging. You are subsidizing the shipping and handling of people who buy coffee cups. UNFAIR! SOCIALISMS! That’s right, deal with it.) For the one millionth time, that is not your editrix’s cameltoe. Your editrix was the one taking the (HOT! GIRL-ON-GIRL!) pictures.

Here are some hats! That is your Editrix. Please note the distinct lack of cameltoe. They also come in “black” and “beanie” for the aging punks in your life.

Here are coffee cups. You guys have been doing a good job buying these. Good job, you! You have not been buying very many of our “The One” cups, and we do not really blame you. We fucked up the design a little bit so you really can’t see B. Barry Bamz’s face very well, in the sky, as he appears to the shepherds or Romans or thieves or whatever. You could buy it anyway if you like things that are a little fucked up, like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, or a girl with one leg. Or you could just be like everyone else, and buy the Old Handsome Joe cups and the Smokin’ Joe cups. Those are perfect. Sheeple.

Oh my gosh, look at these adorable girls! They are the daughter and daughter’s friend of devoted reader “Allen” or “William” or something, who knows. They are in our V-neck Kitten tees, which we are almost completely out of, but you can still give it a try. What are we not almost out of?

Our crewnecks! We are not almost out of those!

There is some other stuff too, you could click around! And then you will write us and say EDITRIX! We cannot figure out how to actually BUY the scary underwear! That is because our bazaar is poorly designed, and we do not know how to fix it. What you have to do is scroll alllll the way down to the bottom, and that is when it is going to say “choose an option” like size or beanie, and then after you “choose an option,” THEN it will let you buy it.

Orders received by this Thursday will get to you in time for Christmas. (#WAR)

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 70 comments }

PubOption December 17, 2012 at 9:36 am

The original text was 'So Many Panties', looks like it should have been 'Too Many Panties'.

Goonemeritus December 17, 2012 at 9:38 am

Considering the average age of the typical Wonketteer you might want to consider adding some logoed “Spanks” or other similar supportive under garments. Some nice low elastic socks would be helpful for the older gents with gout as well.

actor212 December 17, 2012 at 9:49 am

TEDS LIBEL!

CrunchyKnee December 17, 2012 at 9:39 am

Let the war on white tees begin.

eggsacklywright December 17, 2012 at 9:46 am

New Black Panther Party libel!

actor212 December 17, 2012 at 9:49 am

Did. Saw.

Baconzgood December 17, 2012 at 9:41 am

Unrelated to this post.

Happy 9th b-day Baconz Jr. Part II.

Lizzietish81 December 17, 2012 at 9:41 am

Probably don't have them in plus sized.

DOWN WITH YOUR FASCIST BEAUTY STANDARDS!

Guppy December 17, 2012 at 10:38 am

They're tailored for the socialist figure of asparagus-eating Michelle.

Baconzgood December 17, 2012 at 9:41 am

I find this easy to masterbate too.

Lot_49 December 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

This "masterbation" of which you speak—is it anything like "masturbation," a.k.a., fapping? Or is it some new advanced technique with bondage overtones? Just wonderin…

Baconzgood December 17, 2012 at 12:33 pm

You don't need to spell it right to do it right.

Mittens Howell, III December 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Right handed fappers always spell masturbate with an 'e' instead of a "u" because it's on the left hand side of the keyboard.

Wile E. Quixote December 17, 2012 at 2:19 pm

So here's an interesting factoid. On a QWERTY keyboard the word "dexter", meaning "right-handed", is entirely typed with the fingers of the left hand.

el_donaldo December 17, 2012 at 11:15 pm

That's because the right hand is the knife-holding hand.

Beach_Bubba_Tex December 17, 2012 at 9:42 am

Good luck with this capitalism thing.

Remember, when in doubt, to take every opportunity to slash staff salary (particularly over the holidays) and always make up your margins through obscure charges. Do this until you can say "I sincerely regret that Romney did not get his chance to be president" aloud.

Guppy December 17, 2012 at 10:39 am

They'll start with halving the pay of the commentariat.

Lascauxcaveman December 17, 2012 at 11:05 am

She does that and I'm going back to Gawker. Just like Newell. That's where the money is.

thatsitfortheother1 December 17, 2012 at 9:42 am

NOT SHEER ENOUGH!

BadKitty904 December 17, 2012 at 9:44 am

Where are the commie cat toys?

eggsacklywright December 17, 2012 at 9:48 am

The mousies come in red or pink.

actor212 December 17, 2012 at 9:51 am

Mousie Tongue?

BadKitty904 December 17, 2012 at 9:51 am

Спасибо!

eggsacklywright December 17, 2012 at 9:57 am

Gesundheit.

thatsitfortheother1 December 17, 2012 at 10:01 am

Goesintight.

Comes out loose.

glasspusher December 17, 2012 at 11:22 am

Man, kittie, I should know that one…all my dad taught me were swear words and holidays. Христос родился?

BadKitty904 December 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

= Spasiba! = "Thank you!"

noodlesalad December 17, 2012 at 9:44 am

Any hoveround bumper stickers? I'm too old to wear a t-shirt with a dominatrix on it, even if she is a librul.

Mumbletypeg December 17, 2012 at 9:50 am

by Thursday…[shipped] in time for Christmas

Keep in mind the Mumblety method as befitting one's procrastination handicap when it comes to delivering your gifts at holiday-time. Per year-to-year routine: It helps to keep a set of "Happy New Year" cards for when you don't reach all of your (esp. long-distance) Xmas designatees in time.
So don't be disappointed if Thursday comes and goes and you still haven't gotten your sad act together (I speak as one who knows). Keep ordering as the pay pittance allows.. Sending a belated wonk-merchandise-y gift to tell someone "I'm glad it's another year and you're still here!" could mean even more to the recipient than a mere "Here's your thing I'm sending you in the name of Jesus Miracle Hour" or whatever.

AlterNewt December 17, 2012 at 9:53 am

As a rule, coffee mugs are a better gift than big panties with teeth. That being said, Editrix has a wonderful smile.

Guppy December 17, 2012 at 10:40 am

She just said it's not her in the…

Oh, you didn't mean that as a euphemism.

kittensdontlie December 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

More importantly, is she a biter???

AlterNewt December 17, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I was actually referring to her smile in the cap photo and also I am a terrible writer, also.

Misty Malarky December 17, 2012 at 9:54 am

For absolutely no reason at all, here's the singing vagina from 1977's CHATTERBOX performing Wang Dang Doodle.

NorthStarSpanx December 17, 2012 at 9:55 am

So those are what thighs are supposed to look like?

chascates December 17, 2012 at 9:57 am

Dress up your little tykes in bullet-proof clothes this Christmas! Or maybe give them tattoos to aid in victim identification!

Or call/write/fax/email your local, state, and national legislatures and flat-out demand they act on gun violence or that lump of 'clean coal' won't be found in their stocking but upside their heads..

finallyhappy December 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I plan to write to Chris Van Hollen- no GOP person will ever beat him here(given as a supposed reason that even Dems won't stand up for what is right) and if he can't stand up for serious gun control- maybe we need a more progressive Dem in ever ore progressive Montgomery County,

southernboyman December 17, 2012 at 10:01 am

No toothless utrou for us Southerners?

memzilla December 17, 2012 at 10:01 am

I wonder if the manufacturing process could be made agile enough to react quickly to news events. IOW, buy the stock, but print the message on a just-in-time basis.

Because I'm guessing that "F**K THE NRA" merchandise would move especially well right now. Without asterices.

BadKitty904 December 17, 2012 at 10:03 am

Again with the NewsMax headlines???

memzilla December 17, 2012 at 10:10 am

Selecting the links = Munniez for Editrix, and your clicks for free.

Aridzona December 17, 2012 at 10:37 am

We are all in Dire Straits now.

DahBoner December 17, 2012 at 10:04 am

Crewnecks? Ever wondered why they're called'crewnecks'? Where's the crew?

//the 90's called. Seinfeld is cancelled

Misty Malarky December 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

Ovaltine? Why don't they call it Roundtine?

Botlrokit December 17, 2012 at 10:04 am

I just want to know if Ken Layne modeled them britches.

Misty Malarky December 17, 2012 at 10:08 am

It's certainly not Anthony Weiner.

DahBoner December 17, 2012 at 10:05 am

P.S. What about "Commando" panties for the minimalist in us?

//wait. That's a trick question

memzilla December 17, 2012 at 10:07 am

Wonkette™ Brand Genuine Bunchable Panties + NRA Sarcasm Overprint (i.e., running them through the silkscreen (?) process again).

Message: "You Can Have My Cameltoe When You Pry My Hot Live Fingers Off Of It"

thatsitfortheother1 December 17, 2012 at 10:20 am

Aruba, Jamaica ooo I wanna take you
To Bermuda, Bahama come on pretty mama
Key Largo, Montego baby why don't we go
Down to Cameltoe.

Beowoof December 17, 2012 at 10:51 am

The mouth on those panties appears to be pointed in the wrong direction.

An_Outhouse December 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

Fine. I bought one of your stupid mugs. Its for someone for Xmas. It better get here in time.

MissNancyPriss December 17, 2012 at 11:16 am

No one looks good in crewnecks, and I mean nobody.

glasspusher December 17, 2012 at 11:20 am

My kid is smart. I will buy something for him as well, when we get back from our winta wundaland weekend…

BTWBFDIMHO December 17, 2012 at 11:35 am

My poodle will be in Santa Fe next week and needs a small wife-beating t-shirt. Which floor is your pet department?

docterry6973 December 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

How many pPoints do I have to trade in to get a free coffee mug?

Oh.

mrpuma2u December 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

What kinda brew is the Editrix drinking? Cuz I wanna get soused just like her.

sullivanst December 17, 2012 at 12:35 pm

And then you will write us and say EDITRIX! We cannot figure out how to actually BUY the scary underwear! That is because our bazaar is poorly designed, and we do not know how to fix it.

Seems to me the assumption of your eCommerce solution is that you'll put the images in the images collection, and not in the description. Keep the description short so you don't have to scroll forever to get to the actual buying part.

scionkirk December 17, 2012 at 12:41 pm

You need more scarves to cover up my droopy jowls Santa has brought me for Christmas.

ttommyunger December 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm

How much more to you charge for the "Gently Used and unwashed" Panties and do they come in "open crotch"?

Crank_Tango December 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I'd much rather see a camel toe everyday than those stupid fucking ponies, I know that much.

Wile E. Quixote December 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

For the one millionth time, that is not your editrix’s cameltoe. Your editrix was the one taking the (HOT! GIRL-ON-GIRL!) pictures.

Well when will we get some pictures of our editrix's cameltoe? Inquiring minds want to fap know?

emmelemm December 17, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Done! Fine! I ordered some panties.

(Heads up, Lionel.)

sullivanst December 17, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Right your are, I see now the big pix are coming after the wrapping tag for the description. I have to say, their documentation leaves something to be desired, but if I were you I'd start by looking in your theme probably at single-product.php and see if there's anything shoved between the do_action calls for the short description and the variations.But hey, not sure how much benefit you'll get from listening to me, who's never used WordPress ;)

Wile E. Quixote December 17, 2012 at 7:32 pm

So I was wondering, could you model the Wonkette™ T-shirt like you are in that picture where you're holding the beer but pour some water all over the T-shirt while you're wearing it so we can see if the Wonkette™ logo is colorfast?

fuflans December 17, 2012 at 9:59 pm

the fuck.

everything in CA looks better.

TribecaMike December 17, 2012 at 11:19 pm

That reminds me, where'd I put that camel toe… It's around here somewhere…

mush2 December 18, 2012 at 12:45 am

Hate to shit on your snark, but how's about cool it with the "stupid kids" for a bit eh?

commiegirl99 December 18, 2012 at 11:59 am

Oh Jesus.

Arkoday December 18, 2012 at 9:21 am

Such a delicate mons veneris! Makes me want to shop.

glasspusher December 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Yeah, I know enough Cyrillic that I could sound it out, but that was not a word I heard my dad use…ha fucking ha.

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