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Every vagina needs teethYou will have to go elsewhere for your creepy Elmo dolls (in fact, you probably want to just click that Amazon box in the righthand sidebar so that when Amazon forces your local mom and pop store out of business, at least your local mom and pop website gets a cut). We we do not have a single item for your stupid kids. What do we have? Hats, coffee cups, gift wrap, some other stuff, some more other stuff, and scary underwear.

Your editrix thought this scary underwear, with its vagina teeth, was hilarious. Apparently, no one else agrees, because it is crashing and burning like the Romney campaign, although we didn’t spend quite as much money. So we have dropped the prices on our scary underwear from whatever they were to a much more reasonable $12.99. Don’t worry, we will make it up in the price-gauging shipping and handling! (It is not actually price-gauging. You are subsidizing the shipping and handling of people who buy coffee cups. UNFAIR! SOCIALISMS! That’s right, deal with it.) For the one millionth time, that is not your editrix’s cameltoe. Your editrix was the one taking the (HOT! GIRL-ON-GIRL!) pictures.

Here are some hats! That is your Editrix. Please note the distinct lack of cameltoe. They also come in “black” and “beanie” for the aging punks in your life.

Here are coffee cups. You guys have been doing a good job buying these. Good job, you! You have not been buying very many of our “The One” cups, and we do not really blame you. We fucked up the design a little bit so you really can’t see B. Barry Bamz’s face very well, in the sky, as he appears to the shepherds or Romans or thieves or whatever. You could buy it anyway if you like things that are a little fucked up, like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, or a girl with one leg. Or you could just be like everyone else, and buy the Old Handsome Joe cups and the Smokin’ Joe cups. Those are perfect. Sheeple.

Oh my gosh, look at these adorable girls! They are the daughter and daughter’s friend of devoted reader “Allen” or “William” or something, who knows. They are in our V-neck Kitten tees, which we are almost completely out of, but you can still give it a try. What are we not almost out of?

Our crewnecks! We are not almost out of those!

There is some other stuff too, you could click around! And then you will write us and say EDITRIX! We cannot figure out how to actually BUY the scary underwear! That is because our bazaar is poorly designed, and we do not know how to fix it. What you have to do is scroll alllll the way down to the bottom, and that is when it is going to say “choose an option” like size or beanie, and then after you “choose an option,” THEN it will let you buy it.

Orders received by this Thursday will get to you in time for Christmas. (#WAR)

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