PART 16: ARE YOU MY DADA?  11:00 am December 16, 2012

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook That May Not Know About Art, But Knows What God Likes

by Doktor Zoom

A style of art that won a place in the heart of the general publicIt’s Art Depreciation Day for Homeschoolers, as we learn from our 10th-Grade textbook, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective. After polishing off the dangerous liberal fads of “philosphy” and “education” last week, we’re now ready to learn all about how godless liberals tried to wreck culture through their pernicious effects on the arts!

The trouble all started with the Impressionists, you see. Mostly a bunch of Frenchies, they were “influenced by empiricism and positivism” which led them to try to create art that captured

momentary, fleeting “impressions” received by the physical senses; to many impressionist artists, such impressions were the only reality. Trying to show the ever-changing reality of a particular moment, impressionist artists emphasized minute details through the effect of changing light

Astonishingly, the textbook doesn’t quite go so far as to condemn the Impressionists for relying on their human senses instead of the orderly artistic precepts contained in the Bible, possibly because there’s nothing about art in the Bible at all, excepting the ban on graven images. Even so, the editors do work up a good head of steam about those morally suspect cubists and their dangerously subjective versions of reality:

By the 20th century many artists had accepted the liberal philosophies of the age and rejected absolute values; and the works of such artists reflected their attitude. For example, in the style known as cubism, artists such as Spanish painter Pablo Picasso emphasized random geometric forms and perspectives in their works, hoping to create a new “reality” in the viewer’s mind.

Oh, but it gets much worse, children. There’s the craziness of abstract art, with all that chaos and emotion, and even worse!

The liberal philosophies of existentialism and Freudianism held a strong influence over modern art. For example, in the style known as dadaism, artists believed that the universe was controlled totally by chance. Thus, the Dadaists promoted paintings, sculptures, and poetry that delighted in the fantastic, the absurd, and the random; to the Dadaists, God, man, and reason are all dead.

Needless to say, the textbook includes no actual reprints of these decadent insults to order and good sense.

Happily, while Europeans were throwing toilets into art museums, good Protestants know what sells, and so we get this strange explanation of what really counts in aesthetic judgment:

In spite of the many movements in modern art, the general public has been the final judge in art, and the styles of art that have won a place in the hearts of most people have been the traditional forms to which people can easily relate.

Precious Moments™, anyone? Those little statues are just adorable! Strangely, when it comes to art, the book suggests that popularity is equal to decency and quality, a notion it happily abandons if Bad Things become popular, because man’s sinful nature often leads majorities to choose badly.

Illustrators have had an especially strong conservative influence in modern art. For example, British artist Beatrix Potter wrote and illustrated the beloved Tale of Peter Rabbit, the first modern picture book….. French artist Jean de Brunhoff created the delightful “Babar the Elephant,” a character that has entertained children for decades.

World History sadly misses the opportunity to point out that the Babar books showed how beneficial and benign colonialism could be, taking those naked pagan elephants and giving them the delights of modern civilization.

The ultimate conservative artist, of course, was Norman Rockwell, whose

illustrations warmly portrayed those things that are often most dear to people: their homes, their children, their towns. His “homespun” characters and humorous scenes of American life appeared on over 300 Saturday Evening Post covers.

With the strange myopia typical of these guys, the editors make no mention of Rockwell’s dangerously progressive thoughts on race-mixing, or his near-treasonous suggestion that southern American conservatives were sometimes a bit less than Christ-like.

We get a brief discussion of 20th-Century music, learning that “the influence of liberal philosophies” led music to lose “beauty as well as form,” and that jazz, while rhythmically pleasing, also “became associated with those who revolted against traditional standards.” The text appears to consider “conservative” any 20th-century composer whose music sounds pretty — it lists Aaron Copland among “conservative” composers, even though he was gay and his politics were leftish enough that Joseph McCarthy investigated him in 1953. The title and themes of “Fanfare For the Common Man” were inspired by a 1942 speech by super-progressive Henry A. Wallace, who was endorsed by the CPUSA in his run for the presidency in 1948. But Copland’s music had recognizable melodies, so yeah, conservative.

And finally, on to literature. The section heading here describes “liberal” 20th Century writing as a “Flight From Reality,” which is an odd thing to say about fiction anyway. But they do manage to find sinfulness in the very stylistic choices of some writers, let alone the content:

Flight from reality. Like the liberal art and music of the first half of the 20th century, much of the literature of the same period also reflects modern man’s rebellion against God and absolutes and his flight from objective reality toward subjective relativism. For example, many 20th-century writers developed from the theories of Freud a writing technique called “stream of consciousness” — an attempt to forge a spontaneous flow of subconscious thoughts, memories, wishes, and impressions into a single narrative.

As examples, we get Proust and of course Joyce, so good Christian boys and girls will be dissuaded from reading a 7-volume novel or the pun-packed musings of a filthy Irish sex perv. But wait, there’s more!

Freudianism greatly influenced other modern writers, such as D. H. Lawrence of England and Franz Kafka of Germany; many of these writers demonstrated Freud’s influence by revolting against traditional values and writing novels that glorified immoral lifestyles.

Ah, yes, Kafka and his glorifying of immorality. How well we remember looking for all the dirty parts of The Trial with lust in our hearts. And with that, we’re largely finished with 20th Century fiction, apart from some fuming at Sinclair Lewis’s unjust suggestion that conservative religions leaders were ever hypocrites, and a brief mention of the writers who went to Paris out of an ungrateful rejection of “the ‘bourgeoisie’ [sic] morality” of England and America — here, the book redefines a basic term of the era, insisting that these writers

became known as the “Lost Generation” because of their restless rebellion against traditional morality.

How’s that for a flight from reality? The rest of the sins of literary liberals are mostly laid at the feet of early 20th Century writers who were blinded to the awfulness of Stalin, with no mention of any liberals who later changed their views or condemned him from the start, because apparently that never happened. We also get a brief slam of H.L. Mencken, of course, because he “attacked America’s cherished traditional morality” and mocked Christianity.

Among the conservative literary heroes who bravely “expressed the wisdom of maintaining traditional standards and morality,” we get G.K. Chesterton, C.S. Lewis, and J.R.R. Tolkien, whose fantasy trilogy “taught people to long for truth and goodness;” the editors of World History seem not to share most modern Christianists’ fear that reading about a wizard will instantly lead young people to start summoning demons. Malcolm Muggeridge gets a whole sidebar of his own for renouncing his early socialist leanings and embracing Christianity.

And we learn that George Orwell must be ranked with conservative literary heroes because he “graphically portrayed the horrors of the totalitarian state in his novels Animal Farm and 1984,” so the conservative literary pantheon somehow manages to include a writer who fought in the Spanish Civil War with a communist (but anti-Stalinist) militia and remained a socialist all his life, although the book sends these inconvenient facts down the Memory Hole. Lucky for Orwell that he chose the right faction!

Next Week: The 20′s and the Great Depression. We bet all those soup lines resulted from a rejection of Biblical morality!

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{ 270 comments }

AlterNewt December 16, 2012 at 11:04 am

Freudianism greatly influenced other modern writers, such as D. H. Lawrence of England and Franz Kafka of Germany; many of these writers demonstrated Freud’s influence by revolting against traditional values and writing novels that glorified immoral lifestyles.

Yeah. Too bad about that.

sullivanst December 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I can certainly understand why they'd be hatin' on Kafka. After all, The Trial does indicate a certain distaste for an authoritarian system acting arbitrarily, whereas the Christianists absolutely need their little people to be accepting Because I Said So as a definitive answer.

chascates December 16, 2012 at 11:06 am

How's come we never see any depictions of Mary breastfeeding Jesus?

weejee December 16, 2012 at 11:11 am
Guppy December 16, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Leave it to HuffPo to produce venerated sideboob!

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 11:14 am

No naughty bits allowed.

kittensdontlie December 16, 2012 at 11:54 am

Mary's body shut her milkly production down, since it was wholly profane and all.

BTWBFDIMHO December 16, 2012 at 11:59 am

Here, a depiction of the other Mary. https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ex1dUeQbtQk/T5

Beowoof December 16, 2012 at 12:05 pm

You would think pix of milk bar would be okay.

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Yeah, like in Clockwork Orange.

LibertyLover December 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Laws against breast feeding in public, perhaps?

Oh, and La Leche League libel!

BlueStateLibel December 16, 2012 at 11:08 am

What, no shout-out to Thomas Kincaid?!? Blasphemy!

OneDollarJuana December 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

You know, just as Andrew Breitbart does, Thos. Kinkade continues to offend from the grave.

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 11:47 am

I especially like his famous "Stupid Descending a Staircase".

not that Dewey December 16, 2012 at 11:59 am

Goddammit. By the time I get here, all the good Duchamp jokes are taken. I was struggling with "Prudes Defending a Threadbare Case", or something along those lines, but it seems like kind of a reach.

AlterNewt December 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm
not that Dewey December 16, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Okay, not all of them.

"I could never think of anything clever, like a pencil or a can of soup."

-Homer Simpson

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I dunno, I think Prudes Defending a Threadbare Case is pretty good.

Lot_49 December 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Really! This is the art that sells, and must therefore be the best art. Like black-velvet depictions of Elvis, or Hummel figurines. Or The Da Vinci Code.

Hey, wait a minute…

Jimmyone December 16, 2012 at 11:09 am

Ya know Dok…you are incredibly smart and a wonderful writer…I just can't wrap my mind around your article today…what with these false christians spewing their twisted teachings and cruelty…The shootings….can't type through the tears….

Mumbletypeg December 16, 2012 at 11:14 am

Today then might be a good time to take a moment here & there and go look at some fine art.
Naturally there are views available online of the great artists but if you have access to a gallery, musuem, library w/ a gallery etc. I think that's a perfect Sunday avenue for quick escape. But like I observed; not all of us have that access within short drive (or restricted Sunday hours-of-operation for some of these places) — you are in good company here for sure, and you are not alone in what you're thinking.

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 11:22 am

Welcome to the club! I got almost nothing done on Friday myself. Reuben Bolling said it about as well as anyone else after 9/11.

And of course, we can all benefit from Mr. Rogers' advice to "Look for the helpers" in a tragedy like this. Here's one.

Reading those links will bring tears, too, but I'd like to think they're somewhat useful tears.

Jimmyone December 16, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Thanks Dok and Mumbly…I've lost three children over my span as a parent…my 27 yr old daughter left us with a wonderful grandson…who is suffering some sort of depression…we just past THE anniversary on the 12th…it has been six years and it is NOT getting easier and when things like Ct. happen it just gets raw….I would like to point out too, that I hide out here at the Wonkette for the fact that there are quite a few smart and articulate folks here that help me sort through shit…with humor and votes…Mommy blogs have a function….

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm

As I have said before, we're like Callahan's Crosstime Saloon with buttsex jokes. Make a toast and hurl your glass into the fire!

Dr_Zoidberg December 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Need a hug? Why not Zoidberg! *hug*

Jimmyone December 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm

thankx…*hugs back*…
Took a hit and threw the pipe, not quite the same effect as breaking a glass…

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I got to post this after the Clackamas mall shooting a few days ago, and now I get to post it again already! Whoopee!
http://thismodernworld.com/

GeneralLerong December 16, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Stay tuned, he's got an even better one in the pipe – check DailyKos tomorrow.

Or, if you want stuff hot off the drawing board,
Cheap at the Price

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 11:10 am

"Revolting against traditional values…" equals "not agreeing with what I believe."

Charles Ives 4th Symphony would make these ignorant toads run screaming from the room.

"Lord save us from 'difficult' music." — Laurie Anderson

Lot_49 December 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm

That's the one with the competing bands at the 4th of July picnic, right? Gotta confess I find it a bit difficult myself.

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Well, no, it's not exactly "easy listening", the layers and textures are a challenge, but a worthwhile one, to me. I find it haunting and beautiful. Not daily listening, certainly.

Pres.Beeblebrox December 16, 2012 at 12:18 pm

How about some Schoenberg twelve-tone compositions?

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm

The only music the Christers should be allowed to play is 4'33".

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Favorite anecdote from Cage's Silence:

When Vera Williams first noticed I was interested in wild mushrooms, she told her children not to touch any of them because they were all deadly poisonous. A few days late she bought a steak and decided to serve it smothered in mushrooms. When she started to cook, the children all stopped whatever they were doing and watched attentively. When she served dinner, they all burst into tears.

MosesInvests December 16, 2012 at 11:11 am

How about the pinnacle of conservative "art": the black velvet Elvis?

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 11:18 am

I hear Trump has an extensive collection. Black and gold go so well together, confirming his anal personality.

Wile E. Quixote December 16, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Which Elvis are we talking about here? Young, hot, pre-draft Elvis, young, hot post-draft Elvis who went to Hollywood or old fat, bloated and dying on a toilet Elvis.

ButthurtWingers2012 December 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm

That one and the velvet paintings of Jesus carrying a sawed off shotgun to go take care of some unbelievers. Then of course there's Thomas Kincaid and the pinnacle of modern conservative art: Red Dawn. By the way, I noticed a distinct lack of bitching over graven images and iconography or that many Renaissance artists who started this whole sea of sin cut their teeth painting didactic Christian art…because there would be too much nuance to discuss Leonardo for instance…

AlterNewt December 16, 2012 at 11:12 am

Have you seen some of the the art foisted on the world by Christianity?

Of course you have.

sewollef December 16, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Part of the problem with art from mediaeval times is that was often the only way a struggling artist could earn a living, by taking religious commissions.

Remember, the christian church back then had [and still does], obscene amounts of wealth to go along with the enormous amount of political and military power. If you wanted to eat and earn a living, you often had to bow to the church's will, although powerful families such as the Medici were big patrons of the arts too.

That was partly true for Da Vinci, but certainly true for Michaelangelo, Donatello, Giotto and Brunelleschi and probably many other lesser names of that period.

weejee December 16, 2012 at 11:13 am

Needz moar Woody Guthrie playing his fascist-killing guitar and Guernica extolling the virtues of modern warfare.

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 11:14 am

Glad to hear 1984 is a good, Christian novel.

weejee December 16, 2012 at 11:21 am

Would have thought the Xtianists would have loved "Lord of the Flies."

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 11:43 am

And family fare like Blood Meridian.

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 12:07 pm

"Poisonwood Bible" lible!

ButthurtWingers2012 December 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm

hah…yeah, I know…they probably do love that book given the themes of it including the killing of the "christ-like" child. What makes me laugh about conservative 'art' is how they grasp at straws to find such art…take Tolkein for instance. While his books are apparently Manichean in their depiction of a war between light and shadow the bad guys are all industrialists and the good guys are hippies who love nature. Not exactly the kind of work you'd see your average global warming denying, pollution ignoring, cheerleading whore for industry conservative would be reading, anyway…

bikerlaureate December 16, 2012 at 1:25 pm

When you put it that way…

Smoking, drinking, fornication.
The teachers probably have to explain what those things are to their students, who wouldn't encounter such behavior in conservative Pleasantville.

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm

"Glad to hear 1984 is a good, Christian novel."

Too bad they think it's an instruction manual.

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Because what could be more sacred than two people not married to each other having sex in a church's bell tower?

doloras December 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

"Do you belive in God, Winston?"
"No."

O'Brien was right to torture the ungoodthinkful sexcrimer.

Guppy December 16, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Thereby justifying my never-ending struggle against the Anti-Sex League!

Wile E. Quixote December 16, 2012 at 9:47 pm

And in the end he loved Big Jesus.

Negropolis December 17, 2012 at 1:41 am

WIN, win, win.

gullywompr December 16, 2012 at 11:15 am

You know who else condemned degenerative art in preference for art that spoke of the ideal society?

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 11:20 am

That Schickelgruber fellow?

MosesInvests December 16, 2012 at 11:27 am

That Dzugashvili fellow, also, too?

Tommmcatt_Again December 16, 2012 at 11:42 am

Toppo Giggio?

Lot_49 December 16, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Oh Eddie!

not that Dewey December 16, 2012 at 11:54 am

Aristotle?

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Jon McNaughton, DUH!

smokefilledroommate December 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Bob Ross?

Veritas78 December 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Well, at least his clouds were happy.

HogeyeGrex December 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Fred Rogers?

Fare la Volpe December 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Stalin!

Oh God…

MosesInvests December 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm

AKA, that Dzugashvili fellow….

chascates December 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Princess Diana?

bikerlaureate December 16, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Hieronymus Bosch?

RadioBitchFace December 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm
glamourdammerung December 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I always thought it was funny that the Nazis had the "approved" art and "degenerate" art displays and shut the latter down because no one was going to the former.

gullywompr December 16, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Whoa! Why did you have to go and throw Godwin's Law onto this? Damn, man…

billy_reuben December 17, 2012 at 7:48 am

GG Allin?

kittensdontlie December 16, 2012 at 11:19 am

God also prefers art to be functional, that's why I decorate my life with Chia™ figurines.

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 11:51 am

And those little Hummer ceramic thingies.

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 12:08 pm

*perks up with interest*
They have ceramic thingies for that??

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 12:29 pm

tee hee

Tommmcatt_Again December 16, 2012 at 11:58 am

So, off-thread but interesting: Do you consider the Obama Chia head racist? I'm very nonplussed on the subject.

shelwood46 December 16, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I can't believe you made me look up the history of the Chia Thingies. I'd say it was a bit problematic, since prior to the Obama Chias (apparently, there were two), the only non-generic Chia Head was a Mr. T one. OTOH, it seems they had a Hillary head in the works, pending election results, and also went on to release Chia Heads for Washington, Lincoln, and later Romney, Gingrich and Paul. I kind of want a bunch of those last three for skeet shooting. And we're back to problematic.

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I draw the line at giving Chia head.

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I think it's okay as long as you don't spill the seeds.

Geminisunmars December 16, 2012 at 12:36 pm

If you wait long enough there will be elucidation on every topic at Wonkette. Thanks.

shelwood46 December 16, 2012 at 2:58 pm

It seems important (although it isn't) to note that the two Obama heads introduced in April 2009 were called Obama (Determined) and Obama (Happy). They dropped Obama (Happy) and now the only Chia Obama you can buy is Obama (Determined).

Also too, they never planned a Chia McCain. Because he'd look silly with green or any hair, I'm guessing. I do mourn the fact that there were never any plans for a Chia Palin. Again, for skeet.

kittensdontlie December 16, 2012 at 2:37 pm

By putting Chia 'hair' on a variety of hairless heads, the Chia makers are more guilty of baldism. The bald head being the new Virgin Mary breast.

Fare la Volpe December 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Very racist.

It's a well known fact that slaves in the old south had to grow all their vegetables out of their heads when times were tough.

Tommmcatt_Again December 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Hence the per unit term for lettuce.

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Hedda Hopper libel!

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Which for some reason reminds me of a line in an Ed Abbey essay where he mentions sitting down during a river trip and just gnawing on a whole head of iceberg lettuce, "like Ugolino and Ruggieri."

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm

If only they had a Bob Ross Chia, it would be the perfect merging of art, meta-humor, and greenery.

gullywompr December 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

win.

Goonemeritus December 16, 2012 at 11:19 am

I sit in my Eames chair, Miles Davis "Workin'" is on the stereo, several photos by Man Ray are on the walls and a Joseph Conrad novel is open on my knee. It occurs to me that the fact that I didn’t go to church this morning may prove his point.

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 11:28 am

Elitist pinko.

Dr_Zoidberg December 16, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Here, I have your handbasket to hell ready.

starfanglednut December 16, 2012 at 3:22 pm

The horror!

Wile E. Quixote December 16, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Admit it, it was the Eames chair that led you away from God, wasn't it.? Charles and Ray Eames are going to have a lot to answer for in the afterlife, their modern, attractive, functional and understated designs have led more people into Satan's clutches than pornography, gay marriage and legalized weed combined.

Wile E. Quixote December 16, 2012 at 9:56 pm

And if you lived in Washington State you could be doing all of this and taking hits off of your vaporizer while your husband was in the kitchen preparing something fabulous for dinner.

Rotundo_ December 16, 2012 at 11:24 am

So, like so much covered in this "educational" work, art that makes you think is bad, art that makes you feel warm and squishy is good. Art that challenges you is bad, art that reinforces established (very conveniently so) belief systems is good. Next week will be Jesus bringing about the great depression to slap us for flappers and booze. Looking forward to it.

Mumbletypeg December 16, 2012 at 11:24 am

In spite of the many movements in modern art, the general public has been the final judge in art, and the styles of art that have won a place in the hearts of most people have been the traditional forms to which people can easily relate.

In spite of the many movements in modern Christianity, the general public has been the final judge in moralizing standards, and the styles of ministry that have won a place in dumbed down the wisdom of most people have been the traditional [read: cheapened] forms to which unfeeling automatons can easily relate.

/fixt

not that Dewey December 16, 2012 at 11:55 am

I don't think you can emphasize that enough.

Mumbletypeg December 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm

: )

sewollef December 16, 2012 at 12:53 pm

the styles of art that have won a place in the hearts of most people have been the traditional forms to which people can easily relate

Taken literally, that would mean Thomas Kinkade's mass-produced shit masquerading as 'art' would be it since it sells by the bucketload.

Of course, there are probably a million and one art historians who would laugh out loud at the thought.

But for me the likes of a Vermeer, or an Ansel Adams, or a Monet, or a Doisneau, Brassai or Atget, or a Lichtenstein, or a Gaudí would be it.

I guess that's differing taste for you.

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I read somewhere years ago that Gaudí was a conservative Catholic fellow, not at all interested in mescalin. Weird.

Biff December 16, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I just had a movement, too!

SexySmurf December 16, 2012 at 11:29 am

When it comes to art, I like that Georgia O'Keeffe. I don't know why I like her paintings. There's something about them, but I just can't put my finger in it.

Dr_Zoidberg December 16, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Or any other body part, you degenerate.

proudgrampa December 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Have you noticed that everything she does looks like a vagina???
http://www.prints.com/prints.php/Georgia_O_Keeffe

HouseOfTheBlueLights December 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Yes, everyone has noticed that. :)

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 3:31 pm

The deuce you say!

RadioBitchFace December 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I particularly enjoy her scratch and sniff period.

sewollef December 16, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I had that conversation with the missus only this morning. We both came to the conclusion that art is a visceral thing. It's difficult to say why you like something, but you know it just speaks to you.

I had an ex-girlfriend who while we visited the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam stopped and cried in front of one of his paintings. Literally cried at the beauty she found in it. She couldn't explain why.

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Years ago, I dragged my sister to the Museum of Modern Art in New York, where they had "Starry Night" on display. The elevator door opened and there it was in front of us.
Bessie [awe-stricken]: He painted that.
Me [not getting what she meant]: Of course he did. God help the museum if he didn't.
Bessie: No, he started with a blank page, and ended up with… [gestures] THAT!

RadioBitchFace December 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I <3 this story tessie.
Especially considering he was in a insane asylum at the time.
And here's my funny Van Gogh/museum story.
We were in the National Gallery one day about twenty years ago in the Impressionistic Wing. And you know how you get in the same rhythm in viewing as another group of people? Well, there was this family in cadence with us. Future Föx viewers no doubt. Anyshizzle, we get to the Van Gogh and the dad says to the teenage boy, "they said he was a nut case."
No further comment.

Wile E. Quixote December 16, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Not much of a Georgia O'Keeffe fan myself, it's the obvious phallic imagery that turns me off.

Negropolis December 17, 2012 at 1:46 am

Well, you could put your finger on it, but you have to ask, first.

Cleopatriot December 16, 2012 at 11:30 am

But I like Beatrix Potter!

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 11:34 am

Anyone who can come up with a title like "The Story of a Fierce Bad Rabbit" is OK in my book, too. I'm sure a lot of the people they celebrate would be aghast at the thought that these jerks think they're on the same side.

Dr_Zoidberg December 16, 2012 at 12:23 pm

You ever read 'The Tale of One Bad Rat' by Bryan Talbot?

PubOption December 16, 2012 at 12:32 pm

"Fierce Bad Rabbit' sounds like something a teenager would have said, about 20 years ago.

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Or an unpublished John Updike novel.

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Or a Monty Python sketch.

Biff December 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

There is nothing funny about the Rabbit of Caerbannog, I assure you!

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

One of my favorite writers, Alison Lurie, has a book about children's literature called, "Don't Tell the Grownups!". It's a fascinating read about the books we all loved as children, and includes a chapter devoted to Beatrix Potter and her writing and illustrations. It's too long to go into any detail here, but I'll mention two things:

1. Beatrix, a shy and plain girl, was interested in drawing and studying all aspects of nature — plants, animals, etc. Her Peter Rabbit books started out as drawings that she sent to children of friends and family, and then self-published, with the goal of having a children's book that most families could afford, and that a child could easily fit into a pocket.

2. The author notes that "when I asked a class of students which character in the book they would have preferred to be, they voted unanimously for Peter, recognizing the concealed moral of the story: that disobedience and exploration are more fun than good behavior, and not really all that dangerous, whatever Mother may say".

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I freakin' LOVE this book. Let's also add Bruno Bettelheim's The Uses of Enchantment to the list!

Anyone who dismisses art solely because it's "made for children" should be slapped with a large fish.

MosesInvests December 16, 2012 at 2:10 pm

While dancing?

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Or in the Pike Place market.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrLE3Wr6oLs

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:15 pm

"I freakin' LOVE this book. Let's also add Bruno Bettelheim's The Uses of Enchantment to the list! "

Yes! They're next to each other on one of the many bookshelves at Casa di Tessie.

sewollef December 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Last time I was in Oxford my wife [who's American] and I [a Brit], went on a Lewis Carroll hunt around the town. We're grown ups [biologically that is], but have Alice in Wonderland pop-up books and virtually every other thing written by Charles Dodgson under his pseudonym.

Dodgson's work was or rather, IS spectacular and I wouldn't be surprised if I heard it was undertaken while on acid. His books might be for children, but wow, they are brilliant.

PubOption December 16, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Add 'The Mousehole Cat' to the list. Book or video. http://vimeo.com/42079212

Unfortunately, part 3 is missing.

Vecchiojohn December 16, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Extra thumbs up for mentioning Alison Lurie. One of the most under-appreciated writers of our time. "The Language of Clothes" is great, too.

HouseOfTheBlueLights December 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm

These folks have apparently not read The Tale of Two Bad Mice, wherein a couple of landless peasant mice take over and destroy the home of the Master (i.e. the dolls' house)

swordfis December 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Beatrix Potter was a Fabian Socialist and friends with Karl Marx's daughter.

docterry6973 December 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

You know, it actually is horrifying that children are being taught this stuff, and might actually grow up believing it.

Dr_Zoidberg December 16, 2012 at 12:24 pm

And will raise their children that way, and so on and so on….

gullywompr December 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

In Doc's discussion of art, I can't help but feel like a particular type of imagery is missing…

What could it be… what could it be…

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 11:41 am
gullywompr December 16, 2012 at 11:49 am

You had these in your back pocket, knowing all along, didn't you?

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Nah, just like to show off my Google Fu when I can.

Also, I think I need to take that first one and add it to Guernica.

proudgrampa December 16, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Wow. You ARE good!

RadioBitchFace December 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Next week he will be discussing "Pubism."

Dr_Zoidberg December 16, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Needz moar Pinkie Pie!

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 12:37 pm

If I had any actual drawing talent, I would want to do "Pinkie Pie Descending a Staircase"

Fare la Volpe December 16, 2012 at 1:04 pm

"Girl with the Pearl Cutie Mark"

Chichikovovich December 16, 2012 at 2:38 pm

"Stable of Earthly Delights"

Edit: and don't forget "The Sleep of Reason Produces Ponies"

ttommyunger December 16, 2012 at 11:44 am

Art? A nice set of tits, well-turned ankles, shapely calves, full hips topped by a defined waist. I know all the art I ever need to know; others can get all excited about the rest.

LibertyLover December 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

So, Playboy for you, then?

ttommyunger December 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I've always preferred the real thing to graphic reproductions or fantasy. A woman, sunset, tree or hawk in flight.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

Beowoof December 16, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Always my sentiment, because Playboy models, don't look like Playboy model when you see them in real life.

ttommyunger December 16, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I would not have any way of knowing that, so I will take your word for it.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

fartknocker December 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

My favorite moment is when she's walking towards the sun wearing a thin skirt and the sunlight illuminates her legs and posterior.

ttommyunger December 16, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Yowza!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Roy Blount mentions a loose-fitting blouse, and he hopes that a parade will pass by, so the woman wearing it will salute the flag.

PubOption December 16, 2012 at 11:47 am

What would they make of Evelyn Waugh? Outwardly a Conservative, religious (albeit Catholic), but fond of writing about the gays.

Biff December 16, 2012 at 1:10 pm

That Cheney woman, too.

Meathamper December 16, 2012 at 11:49 am

Wait till they find out about modern art. $$$ for a blank canvas and they call it "art"? Even God must be scratching his head at that one.

BTWBFDIMHO December 16, 2012 at 11:56 am

Art? I can barely distinguish between a Picasso painting and a car crash.

not that Dewey December 16, 2012 at 11:57 am

Dok, there you go again with that whole "communist, but anti-Stalinist" distinction. Would Gen. Jack T Ripper make that kind of distinction? I think not.

Beowoof December 16, 2012 at 12:01 pm

If art contains an element of chance, those chaos theory guys have a lot of explaining to do.

ManchuCandidate December 16, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Xtian Art is to Art as Xtian Heavy Metal is to Heavy Metal. I've seen less cheez ooze from a barrel of melted Cheez Whiz than Xtian "entertainment."

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Up With Feeble!

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Hank Hill on "Christian Rock":

"You're not making Christianity better, you're making rock and roll worse!"

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:23 pm

One of my favorite Hank Hill quotes.
Here's another one just for chuckles:
Hank [barging into Luanne's room where she's in bed with her boyfriend]: Luanne! Buckley! Have you seen Bobby?
Luanne and Buckley: EEEK! [then] No.
Hank: Well, if you see him, tell him I'm looking for him and to come straight home. it's an emergency! [then, turning back to them with one hand on the door] Oh, and kick each other's asses for me, will you?

Blueb4sinrise December 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Nuthin on Vincent!!!!!!!!!!! Pretty religious dude, but not so much in the art.

Pony sketch!!!!!!!!!!!!!! http://uploads7.wikipaintings.org/images/vincent-

edit: Is that Van Gogh's self portrait postcard- style on the right?

weejee December 16, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Downright earie eerie.

Dr_Zoidberg December 16, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Oh, I love Van Gogh. While 'Starry Night' is gorgeous, my personal favorite is 'Wheatfield with Crows' There is something so ominous about that painting.

Blueb4sinrise December 16, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Yeah, lotta stuff not really 'cheery'.

starfanglednut December 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm

He sketched crows as he lay on his deathbed, smoking a pipe.

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I'll just leave this here.

<condescending remark about G3 ponies>

Blueb4sinrise December 16, 2012 at 12:41 pm

<sigh>

RadioBitchFace December 16, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I'll take my McNaughton, Lawrence Welk and the Left Behind series any day over Van Gogh, Rock'n'Roll, and Twain.

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 12:08 pm

By the way, I am rather proud of my mad MS Paint skillz in that NR pic. As far as I can tell, nobody's thought to throw Beast Jesus into that particular work yet. I may need to go ahead and get some cheap downmarket version of Photoshop — there are some things that would be a lot easier to do with layers.

(like keep on fucking that chicken…)

BTWBFDIMHO December 16, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Excellent job, Dr. Zoom.

johnnyzhivago December 16, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Very nicely done!

Lucidamente1 December 16, 2012 at 12:20 pm
Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Yes, I WAS fishing for compliments! (God, I'm so transparent!)

Blueb4sinrise December 16, 2012 at 12:36 pm

That is the BEST IMAGE EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bikerlaureate December 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm

It's one of the more accessible examples of Zoomianism.

Blueb4sinrise December 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm

There's freeware called GIMP
http://www.gimp.org/

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Oh myyyyy. Thanks! I will never get any real work done again.

Bring out the GIMP!

not that Dewey December 17, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Wait, so it's okay to say "gimp", but not those other words? I'll never understand how this thing works.

RadioBitchFace December 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Keep fucking that pony.

GeneralLerong December 16, 2012 at 3:00 pm

You did that in MS Paint? Jeezus. I'm impressed. And here I thought I'm a cheapass retrograde hold-out for doing technical drawings in PowerPoint.

That's the trouble with mad skilz – they're hard to toss aside.

Veritas78 December 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I was looking for a post to compliment both the concept and the execution. Both are beyond inspired: they're brilliant.

And not a pony in sight! See what you can do when you let your fetishes go?

Wile E. Quixote December 17, 2012 at 2:40 am

That is something to be proud of.

johnnyzhivago December 16, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Face it, you can't be an artist unless you're either liberal, gay or foreign.

sewollef December 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Two out of three. Thanks.

HouseOfTheBlueLights December 16, 2012 at 1:56 pm

That's why American artists have to go to Paris. They're foreign there.

smokefilledroommate December 16, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole.. until now.

sewollef December 16, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Is that you Jonathan?

RadioBitchFace December 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Rich, man. Rich.

smokefilledroommate December 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Thoroughly modern as well.

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:25 pm

What would Brando do?

OkieDokieDog December 16, 2012 at 12:13 pm

That Jeebus re-painting still makes me LOL.

deanbooth December 16, 2012 at 12:22 pm

"We aim to please." — R. Mutt

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Heh….heheheheh…..HAWWWW!

(at first I was liek…and then I LOLd)

Lucidamente1 December 16, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I would love to have the authors to listen to Stravinsky's Requiem Canticles, and then stand back and watch their heads explode.

LibertyLover December 16, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Hey, Hey, Hey… now you've gone too far and mocked my Precious Moments figurine. (Ok, so I only have one, but still.) They may not be the standard of drawings of pretty pink ponies, but just leave them alone, ok?

deanbooth December 16, 2012 at 12:34 pm
PubOption December 16, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Or, to put it more simply, Blah, Blah, Blah.

Rufus T. Firefly December 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Good thing Barack HUSSEIN NOBAMA didn't install the Four Freedoms in the White House.

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 1:23 pm

That's some weapons-grade projection going on there.

HouseOfTheBlueLights December 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Dear god.

Veritas78 December 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Oh, my—how DO they do that?

And if he had picked either of the other Rockwell paintings she suggested, we all know she'd have found a reason to object.

gullywompr December 16, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Stay within the lines.

Blueb4sinrise December 16, 2012 at 12:49 pm
eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Hay Zeus Christos.

weejee December 16, 2012 at 12:56 pm

And paint by their numbers.

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Flowers are red. And green, the leaves are green.

smitallica December 16, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Yes, people certainly have rejected modern, non-traditional art. That's why no one ever pays millions of dollars for a single painting. Especially not Picasso, Van Gogh, or Basquiat. Sotheby's can't give that crap away.

Also, Kafka was from Prague, not Germany, you fucking Bible-thumping idiots.

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:33 pm

All I know about Basquiat is that in the movie about him, Andy Warhol was played by David Bowie, which is just… so perfect.

PubOption December 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Are the wingnuts aware that Muggeridge skewered the USA with his comments about Gas, Food, Drugs and Beauty?
I can't find the original, it could have been part of radio broadcast, but the link refers to it. http://books.google.com/books?id=ra_Li1zNZ54C&amp

smitallica December 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Also, the Lost Generation kinda rejected "traditional values" because the arbiters of "traditional values" had just uselessly scattered unidentifiable pieces of millions of their young men all over Flanders. For God, King and Country.
Fuck these people and their ignorant horseshit.

LibertyLover December 16, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I am surprised that Thomas Kinkaid and Jon McNaughton weren't included as the newest warriors for conservative paintings at least in the latest edition of this "textbook."

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 12:51 pm

And Keane would make a holy trinity.

deanbooth December 16, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I actually made some Christiany art this week.

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm

That is SO worth the trip to Hell!

Lot_49 December 16, 2012 at 12:49 pm

OT, but crazy Louie Gohmert does not fail to adhere to his name.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/16/louie-go

MosesInvests December 16, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Surprise, surprise, surprise! (Not surprised)

christianmuslin December 16, 2012 at 12:57 pm

JeeUS with a fro, dark skin and a trimmed beard, cool.

MosesInvests December 16, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Jewfro!

smokefilledroommate December 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm

TaterChrist!

LibertyLover December 16, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Even so, the editors do work up a good head of steam about those morally suspect cubists and their dangerously subjective versions of reality

As if the Christianists don't have a subjective version of reality?

sullivanst December 16, 2012 at 1:01 pm

The rest of the sins of literary liberals are mostly laid at the feet of early 20th Century writers who were blinded to the awfulness of Stalin, with no mention of any liberals who later changed their views or condemned him from the start, because apparently that never happened.&lt;/blockquote

What delicious irony that they attempt to flush 1984 down the memory hole.

ETA: Bah, should've read the whole piece. I'm guessing The Road To Wigan Pier is not on their approved reading list.

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I can't wait till they get to William Burroughs.

christianmuslin December 16, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I can't remember reading the tags, but perhaps I will start. Are you my Dada? Priceless!

eggsacklywright December 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Hoosier Dada?

TribecaMike December 16, 2012 at 1:06 pm

As usual, Sluggo had it right… http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-G1ieSJgp4BI/UM0z8fEayaI

Biff December 16, 2012 at 1:19 pm

What–no mention of my precious card-playing dogs on velvet, or my Xiamen monkeys?

malsperanza December 16, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Ah, I love it when the Christers and Teabaggers get confused about art styles. Abstraction = Radical Politics! Rockwell = Conservative! Fuckin illiterates.

Norman Rockwell: lifelong, ardent progressive. Painted impassioned artworks about civil rights and racial equality when the aesthetic avant-garde was stone silent.

Jackson Pollock: Created an art style that to the not-so-illiterate Cold Warriors handily embodies the concepts of freedom of expression, liberty, rejection of state authority over ideas, and other Things the Soviets Were Against. http://gizmodo.com/5686753/how-the-cia-spent-secr

HouseOfTheBlueLights December 16, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Back before reality came crashing down in the form of children and a mortgage, I was a working artist making abstract images based on the Bible. I used to have a lot of shows at small midwestern Christian college, where I would inevitably be attacked for my commie abstract art. At which point I would ask them what the heck they thought "make no graven images" meant, exactly. Blew a lot of little Christian minds.

malsperanza December 16, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Also: Best. Photoshop. Evar.

TribecaMike December 16, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Agreed x12.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Aesthete, atheist — who can tell the difference? And why would homeskoolers need to know?

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

It's impressive how the writers of this text manage to cobble together doctrinally correct microrealities out of the constant swirl of complex themes that make up the larger whole, and take these littlte illusions whip each one into conformity with their idea that adhering to Christian doctrine is the sole historical force at work, ever. Marx, with his reductivist interpretation of history as class warfare would be impressed.

But the really most starkly wrong feature of their interpretation is the literature bit — first of all, "flight from reality" is probably the poorest possible description of modernist literature — from Crane to Drieser to Erich Maria Remarque, the progression has been to embrace reality entirely, especially the ugly and the horrible that pollyanna morality play enthusiasts avoided.

And nobody's fiction has come closer to reality than Joyce, who managed to depict an entire day in intimate and excruciating detail in Ulysses.

The fortunate thing about this tome is that it's soooo wrong that students raised on it who get the slightest exposure to art history will have no choice but to wonder if everything they've learned up till that moment is wrong.

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:43 pm

"But the really most starkly wrong feature of their interpretation is the literature bit — first of all, "flight from reality" is probably the poorest possible description of modernist literature"

Also, like fundie nutcakes are opposed to flight from reality.

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 3:24 pm

the writers of this text manage to cobble together doctrinally correct microrealities out of the constant swirl of complex themes that make up the larger whole, and take these littlte illusions whip each one into conformity

It's really quite postmodern, isn't it?

Alan December 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

great piece; you all are terrific!

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Thanks! We all like being terrific!

Alan December 16, 2012 at 4:21 pm

wow; I can't believe you replied! I think you all need a tv show; Ana Marie as host, no? :) Your observations are so on point, i.e., the right combination of humor, snark, and ridicule.

Alan December 16, 2012 at 4:32 pm

btw, I am a retired legal editor with a JD [worked at Cal/Berkeley for 20 years] living in Bay Area [Oakland]; I would be more than happy to do some editing for you all, as they say, pro bono. Am a relatively happy [ I have, shall we say, first world problems] old hippy radical just chilling. Let me know if you all want some help as I have a small pension, health care, SS, and just listen to music, organize around various political issues, and read books all day–other than parental stuff with my kid a sophomore at a UC. If you want to see an example of the my skills, please forward me a piece to nosh on..:) ; but whatever, keep up the good work; you all crack me up…

smokefilledroommate December 17, 2012 at 1:33 am

I doubt you have a small pension… (because who has pensions nowadays, amirite?!) Good to have you here, Alan. Welcome!

Alan December 18, 2012 at 3:45 am

2k/ month pension…lol

mbobier December 16, 2012 at 2:14 pm

For Christians, these folks sure are good at being Philistines.

fartknocker December 16, 2012 at 2:15 pm

This posting was enlightening. I now understand why my odd neighbor who advocates home skooling believes that a Paula Dean cookbook and the latest edition of Field and Stream constitutes her interpretation of coffee table books.

starfanglednut December 16, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Hahahaha, that is excellent! 'Cause if you can't get diabetes while reading 'bout fishin' and huntin', what is life worth?

BlueStateLibel December 16, 2012 at 2:24 pm

This article is good, but it has a grave omission, it doesn't mention George Bush's favorite painting, a horsethief running bravely away, a metaphor for the entire Bush administration: http://eyeteeth.blogspot.com/2008/01/george-w-bus

Dashboard Buddha December 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Wait a minute…wasn't dadaism a response to a war where Christians on both sides were ground to a powder while their Christian generals and politician declared god was on their side?

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Shhhhh!!!

Biff December 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Señor Coconut had a hit called Da Dada years ago, but wonket won't let me link to it.

tessiee December 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

"Precious Moments™, anyone? Those little statues are just adorable!"

"You should read a cartoon called "Love Is…". It's about two naked children who are married." — Homer J. Simpson*

*ps. If you've never seen this cartoon, it's at the perfect intersection of cutesie and mega-creepy.

smokefilledroommate December 16, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I was going to make a "love is.." reference earlier as it goes along with Precious Moments, Hummels, and beloved Christian garbage– as in, "those 'love is…' mofos are naked children and they don't have a problem with that!"

SigDeFlyinMonky December 16, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I drove my future spouse to distraction covering the refrigerator with "Love Is…." Everything from aroma therapy to chemotherapy!

Baconzgood December 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I'm supprised they didn't touch upon The Beat poets.

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm

They're trying to stick to the early 20th Century in this section; doubt they actually mention the Beats, though, even when they get to the 50's…

Baconzgood December 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

asphinkter saiz-what!

zedbot December 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Today I am doing my part to bring down civilization by framing a dozen abstract mixed media drawings for an upcoming show. You are welcome. *holds out tip jar*

starfanglednut December 16, 2012 at 3:03 pm

So punk rock is completely out, I take it.

smokefilledroommate December 16, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Not Christian punk, I'd assume.

starfanglednut December 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Gah! There's such a thing?!

starfanglednut December 16, 2012 at 3:13 pm

These people must never, ever have any fun.

SigDeFlyinMonky December 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Shout out for Mikhail Bulgakov & Egon Schiele. Give the brains of these members of retrograde culture a charlie horse. "Heart of a Dog" is an all time favorite. They are just a different stripe (tripe?) of authoritarianism. Social realism was used in painting in the service of communist ideology. Just swap out the ideology and presto, social realism in the service of authoritarian fascist theocracy. Critical thinking bad… blind acceptance of dogma good.

glamourdammerung December 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I am a pretty big fan of "The Master and Margarita" myself.

valthemus December 16, 2012 at 5:28 pm

"… the editors of World History seem not to share most modern Christianists’ fear that reading about a wizard will instantly lead young people to start summoning demons."

Every time I hear about a fundamentalist parent who won't let their children read Harry Potter, my inner child wants to pee on their food.

And, yes, if you read the last two books, Dumbledore being gay totally makes sense.

vulpes82 December 16, 2012 at 5:47 pm

A performance of 4′33″ would probably send these people into fits as the silence, THE SILENCE, drove them mad, unleashing the full force of their cognitive dissonance to wreak havoc on their psyches.

TheGyrus December 16, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Illustrators have had an especially strong conservative influence in modern art. For example, British artist Beatrix Potter…

Ha! Beatrix Potter was a goddamn Unitarian!

Negropolis December 17, 2012 at 1:13 am

It takes a really fucked up and frivilous person to try and criticize Impressionism through an inappropriate religious/moral lense.

Negropolis December 17, 2012 at 1:28 am

Wait, I know that Kafka wrote in German, but wasn't he a Jewish Czech born in the Austria-Hungarian empire? Seems kind of weird to refer to him as "German" without any kind of qualification. Do the German's even claim him as one of their own?

Wile E. Quixote December 17, 2012 at 2:43 am

You know who else was born in the Austro-Hungarian Empire and who the Germans don't claim as one of their own?

not that Dewey December 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Arnold Schwartzenegger?

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Maybe just Derpy with"The Persistence of Muffinry"

Doktor Zoom December 16, 2012 at 3:52 pm

And here you are at Wonkette, for more hunting of the Snark…

Beowoof December 16, 2012 at 8:22 pm

I have seen one or two in real life bopping around Vegas and honestly they have all the same flaws as others air brushed away.

ttommyunger December 16, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Beer goggles or blue balls will make them invisible.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

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