In Unfamiliar Role, Wonkette Scours Internet for Good News

listicle listicle listicle listicle listicles galoreYr Wonkette, just like everybody else, still stuck in one of the first four stages of the five stages of grief. (“Acceptance” is not on the table. Not now, not ever). In order to get through the day, we’ve been searching the internets for things that are not awful. We have also been drinking but that is nothing new now is it. Presented without comment is Wonkette’s tribute to Buzzfeed listicles: 6 Good Things that Happened on the Internet:

1) The WSJ Reminisces Fondly About Elena Kagan’s Confirmation Hearing:

Justice Elena Kagan rushed Thursday from the solicitor general’s holiday reception to the White House Hanukkah party, and from there to the Sixth and I Historic Synagogue to light the menorah and hear herself introduced with the line that, if nothing else, assures her a place in Supreme Court history.

“Like all Jews, I was probably at a Chinese restaurant,” Justice Kagan said at her 2010 confirmation hearing, responding to Sen. Lindsey Graham’s (R., S.C.) question, “Where were you on Christmas Day?”

2) There Is a Dude Stone Cold Robbing Banks Dressed as Mitt Romney

In what may be the second in a string of robberies undertaken by someone with a bizarre and criminal affection for presidential losers, a Virginia Wells Fargo was hit by a man in a Mitt Romney mask, two years after the same bank was robbed by someone in a Hillary Clinton mask.

3) Matt Damon Plays Gay, Big Ups Liberace:

Damon accepted an offer to be Liberace’s lover Scott Thorson in HBO’s TV movie “Behind the Candelabra“. He stars opposite Michael Douglas who tackles the role as the legendary piano player in the upcoming biopic. “These two men were deeply in love and in a real relationship – a marriage – long before there was gay marriage. That’s not an insignificant thing,” he explained. “Their conversations when they’re dressing or undressing or having a spat or getting ready for bed? That’s every marriage.”

4) Genius Students and Giant Company Combine to Help Veterans Like They Damn Well Should:

Gearheads at Michigan Tech and General Motors have developed three-wheelers specifically designed for wounded veterans who compete in marathons and other endurance events.

The three-wheeled handcycles were designed by students at the university’s medical engineering program and engineers from Chevrolet. They’ll be used by the Achilles Freedom Team of Wounded Veterans in races nationwide.

5) Heroic Tiny Kitten Returns:

Bismarck police haven’t cracked the case into who broke into a Bismarck pet store earlier this week. But, the orange kitten stolen during the caper has been returned to Animal Kingdom.

Baeylie Goetz, 9, of Sterling, transported the kitten in her light blue winter coat to the pet store at 1525 E. Broadway Ave. on Friday afternoon. Her grandfather, Blaine Goetz, had taken in the kitten on Wednesday after learning it was running through a Bismarck grocery store. Kathy Goetz, Blaine’s wife, brought Baeylie and her cousin, Travis Goetz, 9, to Bismarck to return the kitten.

6) HuffPo Reads Reddit, Discovers Best Job in the Universe:

In the latest edition of “How Do I Get That Job?,” a Redditor posted a positively aww-inducing photo of an airline attendant calming down a puppy about to fly by itself.

The picture with the title, “My GF works for an airline. Part of her job is comforting puppies who have to fly alone,” has been viewed more than 1,200,000 times on Imgur and has 25,000-plus up votes on Reddit.

Seriously, people. Hug your children, siblings, friends, parents, families of choice, pets, strangers on the street…you get the picture.

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Hola wonkerados.

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    1. Beowoof

      Vodka worked for me when my teenagers were pissed off, which ran from 1996 through 2005 for the both of them.

        1. Beowoof

          Oh don't I wish I could have given it to them to save my sanity. I am pretty sure the exwife would have been all over child protective for that move.

          1. bikerlaureate

            If vodka already was protective of you[r sanity], and helped protect them from you [going ballistic] – what problem could the authorities possibly have had with giving your surly teens the same direct benefits?

            Dang nanny state.

          1. Weedlord BonerHitler

            Anybody who rly, rly wants to have babies, you know, like those idiot women I work with? Should have to spend three months taking care of surly teenagers. I realized bio-parenting was not for me when the older stepkid stuck his arm through a window during an argument with his mother. The resulting trip to the hospital used up my drama lifetime limits.

            Oh, man! I forgot your Christmas hug!

  1. Mumbletypeg

    Buzzfeed listicles: 6 Good Things that Happened on the Internet

    At the top of my wonkette view under this intro, was what I hoped was #1: Starbucks® products left in the snowy woods to die.
    Sadly it turned out just to be an advertisement.

    1. Weedlord BonerHitler

      ?? The only Starbucks products of which I wot are, like, caffeinated bevs and chocolate, and only a madman would leave *chocolate* out in teh snowy woods to die. Or be consumed by squirrels.

      Ye gods, squirrelz on caffeine!

        1. Weedlord BonerHitler

          I have never stepped into a Starbucks nor knowingly consumed their products. Fortunately, I have at least five terrific purveyors of caffeinated goods of high quality I can patronize instead. No chains for me, heh.

          1. ButthurtWingers2012

            Starbucks has always been a coffee of last resort place. I take my coffee black, no sugar, no cream no anything. Starbucks coffee has always tasted like burned shit to me…I like my local chains and occassionally Dutch Bros.

          2. Weedlord BonerHitler

            Unless it's that crucial first cup of DownloadingWakefulness in the morning, I'd rather walk or drive the extra mile to avoid a chain-store product. I will not contribute to the murder of this country. Self-righteous, I know, but I'm feeling mighty preachy today.

          3. Callyson

            Yeah–it's one thing to go to a Starbucks that's located somewhere that independent coffeehouses are unlikely to be (airports, highway rest stops and such.) Quite another to go to one that intentionally set up shop right down the street from an already established indie.


  2. JustPixelz

    "There Is a Dude Stone Cold Robbing Banks Dressed as Mitt Romney"

    AS IF! Banks are more likely to rob Romney because, as Willie Sutton said, that's where the money is.

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      Or, the modern version from J. William "Mitt" Sutton, IV, "that's where the couch change is. And the car elevator remote."

  3. fatbob54

    Giving pissed off teenagers vodka may not be the best solution, but what the hell, if Dr. Spock says it's ok who am I to argue…

      1. Weedlord BonerHitler

        Thanks. That's what my cats look/act/sound like most of the time. And no, I do not try that "kitty kitty" shit with them either. Oh, no. I hold 'em down, squash 'em as flat as they get and LOOM over them all predator-like till they remind me who's boss as they make their getaway.

    1. Lot_49

      But it cannot surpass the value of Susan Rice's scalp on his belt. What an asshole this man has become. To think he was once respected….

    2. JohnnyQuick

      To really be "Mitt", that guy should've robbed thousands of ordinary Americans and gone to a bank to split the proceeds with them. And then partied with the bank dudes while giving a speech about how lazy the people he robbed were.

  4. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I finally trained my cat to shake paws and stand on his hind legs when politely asked and bribed with treats. That's good news I think.

        1. Weedlord BonerHitler

          Dood. (Regards M_G reproachfully)

          I guess it's better than a clawed swat, which is what I usually get when I try that. Although lately Madu has taken to patting me gently on the face as if I were a *particularly* stupid young kitten …

          1. Weedlord BonerHitler

            To be fair, darling, not *all* of them do. I had Mephisto when I was raising a houseful of birds. I used to worry myself sick about him attacking them, since I had sort of gotten stuck with him as an emergency rescue. He never hurt a single feather on their downy little selves, although the canaries raised two clutches, and the little birdlets got out and flew (clumsily) all over the place. I let the budgie fly loose too, and he never bothered it.

    1. OKthennext

      My cat trained me to give her a treat when she scratches on the scratching post and not the dining table.

  5. JustPixelz

    Damon on teh ghey: “Their conversations when they’re dressing or undressing or having a spat or getting ready for bed? That’s every marriage.”

    Gingrich responds: "I support traditional spats between one man and one woman when she is getter ready for her hospital bed."

    (Ya gotta love how Damon's embraced his Private Ryan persona.)

    1. Mumbletypeg

      inspirational quotes?

      "Those who say, cannot know;
      And those who know, cannot say."

      For some reason I'm having trouble locating this classic quip on any holiday greeting cards — but I haven't given up!

        1. gullywompr

          That's very similar to an inspirational ditty that people on Facebook are always quoting to me: "STFU".

      1. SigDeFlyinMonky

        I didn't know you wanted to play "the monk and the choir boy! How many costumes do you think I can pack?

    1. finallyhappy

      I know the story to which you refer. However, I saw my first mini donk last week- actually a team of them. Lisbon Maryland holds a Christmas Horse Parade(ok, I"m Jewish but who doesn't love a horse dressed up as the Grinch) and there was a winning team of mini-donkeys. What the hell is wrong with that guy? Too bad, a Belgian Draft Horse didn't come at him from behind and then step on him

  6. Mumbletypeg

    things that are not awful

    Awright, for you male libidos libtards, here's some good news:
    "Kortney" has decided she's one of us, one of us.

    (excuse the Social Worker baby's inclusion but I had grown kind of attached to the little fella, he'd become like family)

  7. Barbara_

    Wonkette's own Steverino247 is in town and is going to land on my doorstep here soon. The dealer just got my new car in and I am going to run and pick it up. I'm changing my "screw Christmas" attitude and I am going to put up a tree tonight. Today has to be a better day than yesterday.

    1. Steverino247

      To the Barbmobile!!!

      If we can get out of this fabulous bed (that would be Mrs. Steverino, not Barb) we're going to take you to breakfast before leaving to see Zappa Plays Zappa again (!!!) tonight in Flagstaff.

    1. malsperanza

      "This berk on the bench wasn't worth my time" is Mitt Romney's epitaph. Also too, Gingrich and a few others.

    1. Fun w/ Cthulhu

      How does one get to be the film reviewer at Scientific American. Good gig – I wonder if the Porn Inspector position has been filled yet?

  8. HarryButtle

    RE: The Romney story. Did anybody ask Gary Busey about it? Because he was in this bureau while you were still popping zits on your funny face and jacking off to the lingerie section of the Sears catalog.

  9. Fun w/ Cthulhu

    “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
    –Fred McFeely Rogers (March 20, 1928 – February 27, 2003)

    Like most cynics, I am a romantic who wants to think the best of humans and is constantly disappointed. This quote I like, because it is true.

    1. Weedlord BonerHitler

      As a deeply cynical bitter old curmudgeon, I couldn't agree more.

      My new strategery, however, is to think the best of the fuckers and hope they'll live up to my high opinion of them. Hasn't failed yet, and if it did, I would simply pull the Real Scotsman trope and refuse to believe it.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Heh. A neighbor of ours made these for us for Christmas last year. She had recently divorced. I did not know that they could also be called "cookie boobs"? Did she? If she did, was she suggesting something? Partner and I have lived together since 2007. You'd think she'd know by now…

    1. ElPinche

      Yeah, all is dandy until he rips your face off and eats it like a SexySmurf face fruit roll up!!1!

      Seriously though, what kind of monster dumps a monkey at IKEA! ?

      1. SexySmurf

        Yeah, all is dandy until he rips your face off and eats it like a SexySmurf face fruit roll up!!1!

        Yeah, but look at his little coat!

      2. shelwood46

        Aw, they didn't dump him. He got out of his cage in their car, drawn by the irresistible lure of lingonberries. Turns out you can't keep monkeys as pets in Toronto, so the authorities took him away.

        1. viennawoods13

          And she is DESPERATE to get him back. She loves that little guy and has an awesome Xmas outfit for him to wear.

          1. Weedlord BonerHitler

            Yabbut. He really needs to live in a warmer climate, with friends. It's cruel to keep wild animals as pets. We don't know enough about the ways they socialize with their fellows and the environment.

            I feel for the little guy. When I first got here, I think I sat on the heater for six months. Even my *snot* changed because of the cold. Or maybe my upper lip just got numb, because I would walk around with snail trails of snot on my face. Jeezus, it's a miracle I actually, you know, got a job, and made friends, and all that shit.

          2. Negropolis

            I've seen her, and perhaps she'd have been better of leaving him at home instead of giving him the chance to get out of her car. If you're going to have something illegally, best to be discreet about it. Dressing up your pet monkey in its finest and taking him to IKEA with you – even just to leave him in the car, and honestly, that's irresponsible by itself – is kind of the opposite of that.

          3. viennawoods13

            Oh I agree that she's not a responsible pet owner. Just because she loves him doesn't mean she knows how to take care of him.

  10. LibrarianX

    "You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."
    Ralph Waldo Emerson

      1. Geminisunmars

        The only one (I believe) that you were an asshole to was Mittborg. You made him lose the election. The rest of us are awed. Chappy Chanukah.

          1. Geminisunmars

            I'm going to a 5 oclock vigil. There seems to be so little any of us can do. If enough if us show up, maybe we can take heart and find support to fight the NRA.

            Your hugs mean so much to me. Hope you are well.

          2. Weedlord BonerHitler

            (Hugs you some more) We will fight them, and we will win. I'm well in body but pretty sick in spirit and this gloomy gray damp weather does not bode well. We will fight this fight. We owe it to those poor kids.

  11. ElPinche

    I hugged a stranger today. She yelled at me at the grocery store; she thought I was cutting in line. I said, "I'm sorry…after you .. hug? !" And she gave me a hug. Then Wilson Phillips played on the intercom and we freeze framed as we twirled around.

  12. ttommyunger

    I guess I'll have to post this article on FB. It will fit right in among those who are thoughtful enough to share with me what they are fucking eating or what music they are listening to….

    1. Biff

      What the fuck IS it about FB, anyway? People I know and thought to be sane in real life really get their freak on when they post shit to FB. I wish I'd have resisted the pressure to join up, but one old friend who suffered a traumatic brain injury has difficulty communicating by any other means, and I don't want to lose touch with him again…

      1. ttommyunger

        I force myself to visit it every couple of days. It is a real slice of life, but not an appetizing one. Sort of like a baloney sammich seasoned with rat turds.

      1. Weedlord BonerHitler

        There are now over 300 million guns in the hands of American citizens. While in theory this would sound as if the entire populace was armed, in fact a very small number of mentally unsound persons account for a disproportionate number of these little devices of death and destruction. In deference to the Constitutional rights of these yobbos, we have permitted unconscionable limitations upon the Constitutional rihts of everyone else. There were three other attempted mass murders yesterday. They didn't get much media attention because the murders of those little children had left us all so numbed.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          I honestly don't know how any gun dealer, in good conscience, would still stay in business if they knew, or even suspected, that the weapons they sold were used in these shootings.
          I know that you can't really blame them. They didn't actually do the shooting…but still…
          Maybe I'm just thinking about what thoughts would be going through my head if I were a gun seller.
          Then again, I'm different that way, I guess. Maybe it's all about the $$ with 'em.

          1. Weedlord BonerHitler

            But do they have *a* conscience, let alone a good one? I can't get the kids out of my head. I know there are shootings every day in the ghetto and lots of little brown kids die in cities all around the world of violence, hunger, starvation. We've become so inured to the horror of life in our world that we treat those as *expected* killings and murders. So that when it walks into our protected colour-coded or money-gated enclaves, we finally have to face the truth that we all have some responsibility in this. Unless we want to educate our kids in fortresses and live in some Octavia Butler fantasy, we'd better get off our collective ass and do something about this now. (Hugs you)

          2. Butch_Wagstaff

            Hugs right back at ya. I've got insomnia again tonight…ugh. Anyhoo…yeah…it's like this country can easily slide into some sort of Octavia Butler dystopian novel. I definitely felt that way when W was farting in the chair in the Oval Office. And at least our current President actually doesn't show some flippant attitude about this shit.

          3. Guppy

            I honestly don't know how any gun dealer, in good conscience, would still stay in business if they knew, or even suspected, that the weapons they sold were used in these shootings.

            The NRA has made sure that nobody knows which gun dealers supply such guns. Before the NRA managed to shut them up, data published by the feds indicated that a disproportionate amount of guns used in crimes come from a relative few dealers.

      2. Isyaignert

        It's the lack of mental (and other) health care. Sane people don't generally want to off a bunch of strangers, esp. children. They're fukked-up in the head. Reagen threw all of the crazies out on the street in the 1980s and we've been reeling ever since.

        1. Weedlord BonerHitler

          Hey there! Haven't seen you for donkey's years, here's a hug. I was thinking about how much I hated my mother when I was a kid, and how utterly mean and rotten she was to all of us. There were many times I wished her dead, and a few times when I even feared that I would snap and kill her if she kept picking on me. But she died at a ripe old age in her bed after I spent the past 20 years taking care of her obnoxious spiteful ass. What kind of kid *actually* kills their fucking mother?

          I mean, mine specialized in throwing knives, furniture, anything at hand, really, violent physical demonstrations of the unfriendliest sort, constant verbal abuse, and unbelievable emotional abuse. Not one of us ever laid a hand on the bitch.

  13. mustangsavvy

    Alright Wonkers, you got me with the puppy and the kitty, I'm feeling better.

    Last night, as I climbed wearily into bed I prayed for the parents who were having the worst night of their fucking lives ever. I prayed for God to be there with them and their torn souls and wrenched out hearts. It was all I could do. I wish I could have gone personally to each and every home and….I dunno….washed their dishes and took out the garbage so they didn't have to deal with that shit as well as piece together their shattered lives.

    There's a lot of fucking shootings in this country. And each time, I cry and it's horrific but there is a special kind of demon fuck evil damn wretched feeling when it is kindergarteners. There was only one truly awful mass shooting in Australia – in 1996 a gunman killed 35 people in Port Arthur, Tasmania. I was just out of high school and I'll never forget it. The Aust government said fuck that for a laugh and tightened gun laws – nothing else like that has happened since.

    Why can't America do that? Just some sane gun controls so that fucking kids, and olds, and poors, and just cold fucking any idiot walking down the street or cruising like a douche bag thru the mall trying to catch chicks doesn't get SHOT. Even douche bags don't deserve to get shot. Please America – no one is gonna take guns from responsible licensed and registered hunters and sportsman but come the fuck on, NO ONE EVEN REMOTELY CRAZY SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET A GUN, EVER. Or under the age of 21. Just something. For the children. LITERALLY.

    I think I need a little more puppies and kitties to calm me the hell down……SIGH.

    1. not that Dewey

      Here you go.

      We're all on the same page. I'm lucky, because I'm watching my five-year-old run and play and sing around the house, (thankfully) oblivious to all this hellish nonsense, but wonder how long it can possibly stay that way.

    2. Weedlord BonerHitler

      Puppies and kitties are a good way to take needed sanity breaks from the horrible reality. Just tell yourself you will do one thing each day in memory of those kids. Call a Congresscritter. Write a letter to your local fishwrap. Read your Congresscritter's position on gun laws. Join an organization that works for reasonable sensible gun laws. Talk to a paranoid friend or relative and try to persuade them to rethink their position. All these things could make a difference. Do one a day, or come up with your own list, or see if someone else has a list you can adopt. We have to DO something.

      Meanwhile, puppies and kitties may be enjoyed at

  14. njstore

    In the last month my best friend died, my friend's mother died and my uncle died. As heart-breaking as that was, yesterday was soul crushing.

    1. sharethegrief

      "Those whom we love and lose are no longer where they were before. They are now wherever we are."
      St. John Chrysostom

      These words have comforted me lately. May they comfort you as well.

      1. njstore

        Thanks. They lived long lives. The children did not.I am so angry I am posting every liberal FB story I have received and smacking my so-called friends which I never do but I have had enough.Sent from my phone

  15. Pithaughn

    So, proof positive not all flight attendants are shall we say, nearing retirement age, and just phoning it in.
    And, let's all take a spoonful of honesty, are we really reaching out to the emotionally wounded we see every day, or are we instead averting our gaze lest we make eye contact and rush on by. A kind word or greeting may make all the difference.

  16. ttommyunger

    Obviously, you don't know that you are dealing with a moron here. The only parts is this exchange I “get” are tacos and up skirts.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  17. Tommmcatt_Again

    “These two men were deeply in love and in a real relationship – a marriage – long before there was gay marriage. That’s not an insignificant thing,”

    Um, guys? We appreciate the help but just to let you know, there have been intense, lifelong gay relationships- marriages in all but law- for thousands of years. They didn't start happening because straight people became aware of them. While I'm at it, you think you could pick a better example than Liberache and his creepy boy toy? When you require your lover to get plastic surgery to look like you it just may not be the healthiest relationship.

    1. AlterNewt

      I know a gay couple who are always complaining that their relationship has lasted thousands of years.

    1. chascates

      Good news! Whenever I have to take one of my cats to the vet I end up being the one who needs the most care! But once they're well and we're all back home there's no other place I'd rather be.

    2. ProgressiveInga

      So glad for you and your bird. ♡

      I used to raise birds and when they got sick we took them to the vet. Her name was Dr. Kitty. True story.

        1. Weedlord BonerHitler

          A panza is good for birdies, kitties, puppers, and people to rest on. Screw that six-pack ab shit, it might look nice but it ain't comfortable.

          He is one cheeky-looking little birdie. Totes cute, tho. Makes me wish I had birds again.

  18. SaintRond

    My girlfriend tapped out a line of coke on my penis this morning before work and snorted it.

    That's the only thing good that's happened in my life in months.

    1. Guppy

      Try going Pavlov on her: each morning gradually reduce the amount of coke until she gets excited just nuzzling your bare penis every morning.

        1. chascates

          Thanks! I needed that. Soon to start raising rabbits and will get 400 chickens in a few months. A recent freeze wiped out about an acre of vegetables we sell at the market but I was ready for a break. Just finished a greenhouse for our aquaponic system-raising vegetables in the water that also has freshwater fish.

          1. Weedlord BonerHitler

            How cool is that? Someday if I can, I will be doing at least the aquaponic-fish-veg part. If I was there, I'd give you a back rub as well, my friend. You work so damn hard. Hope you have a nice relaxed warm pleasant little time. I'll be thinking of you (believe it or don't) as I roast Christmas dinner!

          1. Biff

            Indeed I will be. Going there this Wednesday, which is also her birthday, and staying until the 26th.

            Lost your encrypted email address you gave me before you went walkabout–tried it back then, but got no response. Figured I did something stupid, as usual.

          2. Weedlord BonerHitler

            It's my blogname, as in MyBlogName at Gee, Male dot et cetera. Which said blogname is on my ID account and evuhthang.

            Wish your pretty lady a happy birfday for me, and have a great Christmas, fella!

    1. mayor_quimby

      Those look like some noble, fun loving dogs. Are they any specific breeds, or glorious mutts?
      enjoy ÿour goggies, and yes, you're a good person for not putting antlers on them.

      1. Weedlord BonerHitler

        Aww, but antlers are so fun on dogs! And dogs are such good, goofy little souls that they thoroughly enjoy (mostly) you bugging them with that hoomin shit.

        Try putting antlers on *cats.* Now, there's an exercise for ya.

        Christmas hugs, mayor_quimby.

      2. Troubledog

        Left to right are

        Boston (mostly Lab, 4.5 years old),
        Cody (half Lab plus something houndy, maybe Ridgeback, 1.5 years old)
        and Bailey (Chow mix, 10.5 years old)

        Boston got rescued by my oldest son while he (son, not dog) was a freshman in college. He lived in the freshman dorms as a puppy for a couple months, drinking beer and hiding in laundry hampers. Predictably, he had a happy childhood and is very well adjusted.

        Cody was part of an unexpected litter from a friend of a girl I was dating. He is very mischievous and also very handsome and fit despite eating twice the food the other dogs get. It's not fair.

        Bailey had slim chances to make it through face cancer surgery a couple months back. They called me while he was on the table and asked if they should let him wake up. While I was thinking it over, things improved and they closed and woke him up, saving me that awful decision.

        So we're also grateful he's still with us and doing ok. There's a lot to be thankful for.

  19. cousinitt

    A voice of sanity over at TPM:
    From TPM Reader JB …

    Getting drunk and driving 100 miles an hour is also fun, but it’s still illegal. Same with crystal meth. The point is there is a social cost to allowing recreational gun ownership, and gun owners need to acknowledge we are all paying a certain price for their entertainment. For those of us who never have and never will own a gun, it is most definitely not worth it.

    1. Guppy

      If you get caught driving 100 mph, you get punished and potentially lose your right to operate a car, regardless of whether you've hurt someone yet.

      Guns, on the other hand, pretty much require blood to be drawn before someone can take it away.

  20. TootsStansbury

    I went to a news site to check the traffic report (Mr. Stansbury was late) and saw a list of the names and ages of those poor kids. Goddamnit! Fuck fuck fucking hell. I am so sad and pissed off. Babies! My granddaughter is close to that age. Fuck you NRA.

  21. gullywompr

    I'm engaged in a Facebook thread (I know, I know…) with a woman who keeps asserting that mental illness, and not guns, is the issue. I keep asserting: nah, it's guns. She said that murderers will always find a murder weapon, be it a rock, anthrax, or a nuclear bomb. I reminded her that the medical examiner determined the cause of death to be none of these, but rather was trauma from multiple gunshot wounds. She then revealed what I suspected, that she owned guns, and was a good person who never killed anybody, and was trained to handle them responsibly. I reminded her Lanza's mother was as well, but now she's a victim. She then revealed that she has a child with Asbergers, and knows that mental health must be managed, to which I replied that there is every indication that Lanza's mother did likewise. Then of course the accusation was the the guns should have been locked up, which we don't know about yet, but I'll bet they were.

    So, a long-winded argument with a woman who is in IDENTICAL living circumstances, yet feels that she should keep her guns. This is classic cognitive dissonance, and a textbook example of why nothing less than a ban on handguns and assault rifles is the only meaningful action to take, and that discussing it is futile.

    Now, I'm willing to concede that statistical probability predicts that her own family members probably won't become murderers of six-year-olds, but how many families like this are there? Millions…

    1. LibertyLover

      I have never felt unsafe enough to need a gun.

      40% of all gun sales are not subject to background checks.

      1. Weedlord BonerHitler

        More than 40%. That's just the figure for those that are sold at gun shows. Private owners can sell to anyone at all.

        Some would say we can't track the sale of private guns. We don't have any problem at all regulating the sale of private *vehicles* which also have a tendency to kill people when poorly managed.

        1. not that Dewey

          "can't track the sale of private guns" — that sounds suspiciously like the Fast & Furious Conspiracy crap that the RWNJs are continually in a lather about. I'm sure Darrel Issa will be all over this problem on Monday.

          1. Weedlord BonerHitler

            I bet you've been hugging the kid a lot extra. I just want to hug everyone right now, in a kind of frenzied reaction against yesterday. I have something like 20 folks attacking me right now on Twitter for saying we need to do something about this shit.

          2. not that Dewey

            Oh yeah. Lotsa hugs. My biggest worry on Friday was not a copy-cat, which are remotely rare and over-sensationalized, but that someone (teacher, principal, 'grief counselor', older kid) was gonna tell her about it, thereby taking both the delivery of the news and the guidance of her reaction to it out of my hands.

            She knows about war, unfortunately, at the age of 5. And she knows what "killed" means. But war is distant, and abstract, at least to her, at least for now, and I'm really hoping to delay having to explain why kids her age are being killed at school.

        2. starfanglednut

          I was at a flea market a few months ago, and could have bought a little gun for like $10, no background checks, nothing. And this was in liberal hippy faggy Massachusetts. I can't imagine what it's like in Florida or Oklahoma or Texas or whatever. I was horrified.

    2. cousinitt

      fwiw, gun people have a kind of fetish, like those who fetishize abortion. The power of owning and firing is akin to an addiction that rewires the brain. Culturally, Americans have been taught that guns solve problems in a way that knives or nukes do not or can not. They are quick and remorseless, their power is simple and makes even the most fearless tremble in its presence. Culture + Addiction = A self-reinforcing loop of fear and power.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        That's what I think, too. The reasoning (or lack thereof) you read from the people who are all over the internet this weekend UTTERLY DESPERATE to retain their private arsenals is beyond belief.

    3. Guppy

      … trained to handle them responsibly…
      … the guns should have been locked up…

      Two things that are strictly voluntary, thanks to the NRA.

      Hell, if mom hadn't herself been killed, I don't believe that she could even have been held civilly liable for not securing her weapons against her son, thanks to NRA-backed state and federal laws.

      1. Weedlord BonerHitler

        We're working on changing that. You in? Diane Feinstein (whom I mostly abhor but every now and then she justifies her wealthy existence) has pledged that the AWB is #1 on the Congressional agenda when the new Congress is sworn in.

        1. Guppy

          AWB is counterproductive; if nothing else, it adds to the weapons' bad-boy mystique. I'd rather start with revoking the liability shields on manufacturers, dealers, and negligent owners. "Personal responsibility" and whatnot.

          If Glock has the money to pay for product placement in movies and TV, they have the money to pay for the logical outcomes of the use of their products.

    4. Negropolis

      I'm tired of this being tossed off on the backs of mental illness. I'd eventure a guess that even in murders committed with legally bought firearms that the perpatrator is not mentally ill. There is this silly conventional widsom that to perform such even that one must be mentally ill. It's a fucking cop out. People are killed in domestic situations every single day of the year in America over petty bullshit that had nothing to do with mental illness.

      We need to do more on issues of mental illness, but that's not the problem, here. The problem is simply the sheer amount of guns and their availability. Period. We are far from the only nation to underfund programs for mental health, and the prevalence for mental illness can not be the worst on the globe. The difference is the firearm, plan and simple. In other nations these things turn into stabbings or fights of domestic situations, and very, very rarely do they turn into mass shootings. These nations make their ass murderers really work for their terror. In America, anyone can become a mass terrorists with ease of walking down to your local gun show. A "gun show"; what an absolutely insane, unnnatural concept.

      1. gullywompr

        Yep. And what's becoming increasingly clear is that mom was one of their own – a gun nut. So brace yourself, they will double down on the mental illness cop out like we've never seen before. It's going to be quite the distraction.

        But who knows? Perhaps the right will semantically paint themselves into such a corner, that not only will increased gun control come out of this tragedy, but improved mental health care as well.

        1. Negropolis

          You know what takes my hope away? Even if by some miracle Congress decideds to do something right by the American people for once, we still have to get it by the Supreme Court. The hole we've dug ourselves into – and by we I mean the cult that is the NRA – is so deep, that's it's pretty tough to see the light above.

          But, really, if we can't find something to even begin trying to turn this evil to some good, it becomes quite discouraging. We have to find someway to translate our political wins into policy wins. God knows the Republicans from the state level on up seem to know how to do this. I think the problem is that we don't have the guts to go to the levels the Republicans go to speak to the people.

  22. amoamas

    I received an email from a former student this morning — she's away in law school now — and she reflected on her undergraduate experiences in such a way that gives me hope.

    I'll take what I can get!

  23. Misty Malarky

    My better half called home and left a message for our dog Saffy. He howled into the machine, and when I played it back for her she howled right along.

    1. finallyhappy

      How come people like that exist? Like Huckabee- another moron- people who claim Christian, godly ideas and are so so far from those. Anyway, I had a basically good day- went to services- where my rabbi did not come up with banal ideas about what we need to do(although he mentioned gun control) or that prayer is the answer. He basically said it is impossible to fathom what happened but that we do have to take action- just what action will work isn't clear yet. Then I ate chocolate.

      1. Weedlord BonerHitler

        (Hugs you) That's good. I'm so glad you're safe and here to talk to, still.

        I'm trying contacting all the legislative people, local, state, federal, and media folks. Reading about various proposed solutions. Join the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence, they're working on the issue nationwide.

  24. Blueb4sinrise

    Neşet Ertaş (1938 – 25 September 2012) was a Turkish folk music singer, lyricist, and virtuoso of the traditional Turkish instrument the bağlama. His profession in Turkish is known as halk ozanı, which literally means "folk bard". Yaşar Kemal gave Ertaş his nickname, "Bozkırın Tezenesi" (literally: "Plectrum of the Steppe"), writing it in a book he gave him as a gift.

    Shredding !

      1. Blueb4sinrise

        Hey Weed!
        Nah. The internet is turning me into a nerd and I'm SHARING, GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!. Like a lotta things, once you start tugging at a string, turns out there's a thousand others.

        Will see what comes up with Japanese Folk.

  25. MosesInvests

    I had a really nice, mellow day with my 7-year-old daughter today, and didn't think about guns. Thank you, God (or the Universe, if that's your preferred idiom).

  26. ffredpalakon

    All I want to read right now are "The 6 Ways The NRA Fears For Its Existence" and "The 7 Ways This Crap Will No Longer Tolerated". I'm just Michael Corleone now, playing with my lighter, at the very end of my patience over this. I want this to be the last one. I want the NRA to learn to abide by the wishes of citizens, rather than the other way around. If a group of people committed enough can drop an anvil on Rush Limbaugh, drop an anvil on Komen, they can change this.

    I don't care what the media have to say about what can and cannot be done – the only thing they bring to the table these days is making us laugh at Richard Cohen. I want things to change, and I want to read a year from now, "The Ten Ways The NRA Finally Got Beat". I know this piece was intended to lighten the mood, so delete this post if it's out of line.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Agree 100% but it won't happen and cannot happen.

      I've been watching my idiot box today over at free republic. There is no way to prevent this kind of thing. It's an unintended consequence of the 2nd. Guns are, actually, fine, imho.

      This kind of godawful bullshit is the price a society pays for your founding law.

  27. Fukui-sanYesOta

    That shooter could have least have worn a father crimbo costume and hummed "santa claus is coming to town"

  28. Negropolis

    Gearheads at Michigan Tech and General Motors have developed three-wheelers specifically designed for wounded veterans who compete in marathons and other endurance events.

    A Yooper with a soldering iron and good intentions is a beautiful thing.

  29. Biff

    If any of y'all got AXS TV, turn it on–there's a benefit concert for Habitat for Humanity, String Cheese Incident is ripping it up right now. Wish I'd known it was on 5 hours ago!

  30. DustyBowlBlues

    Here's some good news: after a long, exhausting day in a string of them, I sat down for a few minutes with my wonket. Except fucking ATT wouldn't let it load properly then it did, so now I am here.

  31. DustyBowlBlues

    I'm not as depressed as everyone else because I haven't been watching any news about this bad, bad, every-synonym-for-bad thing. I know few details. For now, it's better that way for me and my husband. Still, once or twice a day one of us blurts out something. But . .

    here's some more good news: I am so tired because I am the most awesome fucking mother on earth. To help my daughter, (long story short, she's stressed right now but not in sad way) I volunteered to make up goodie gifts for her to give to friends at the office and at church. The amount of sugar that has been spread around my kitchen is monumental. I am a great baker. Or at least, a busy one.

    And because I am such a good fucking Xian, I took time out to cook a giant pan of candied yams (from scratch–no cans) and a marinated salad (three cans) for a church potluck tomorrow.

    In fact, some gun-loving ersatz Xians (it's in the Bible, you know, we are to have guns) should follow me around for a few days and find out what a real Xian is like.

    Why, yes. I'm often complimented on my humility.

    1. Weedlord BonerHitler

      You know what? Sing your own damn praises. You're doing a lot of good stuff, and it makes me feel better to know there are good people out there doing good, because some days it sure as fuck looks dark and dreary. Thank you for doing what you do.

  32. DustyBowlBlues

    Because of my newz blackout, I don't know if the NRA has issued a statement yet. They're like that horrible mine owner in Utah, the one who got several miners killed. The first words out of that asshole's mouth were, "We don't need any UMW goons around here." And, oh yeah, about the men who died . . .

    I'm not sure I want to know what the initial statement is from the fucking gun nut lobby. According to Mother Jones, the NRA is almost wholly funded by–wait for it–gun manufacturers (yeah, I was surprised, too) and since they've got the USA pretty much sewn up, they're spreading their NRA poison internationally.

    1. Biff

      Good to see you, Dusty! Don't fret about what the NRA has to say, they've pretty much lost all credibility, if not sway. Like Westboro Baptist. Fuck 'em all…

        1. Negropolis

          Why is it always the children, and never Westboro..?

          I don't care if I'm going to hell for that. Just find me a comfortble residence with scenic views of the Lake-O-Fire and call it a day.

          1. Weedlord BonerHitler

            Biely will be right by to discuss details.

            Srsly, tho. Ppl are calling for volunteers to make a wall of bodies between them and the families. Looks like it's in the process of being organized. Anybody here want to go?

        2. Biff

          Yeah, funny fuckin' guys. I got some friends in the Patriot Guard, who protect military funerals from those evil fucks. They might make an exception here, though it's not within their mission to do so…

          1. gullywompr

            Wow, check out those hyphenated last names – that's some kind of inbreeding right there. Also too, one of the male progeny is named Barak? Wow, just wow.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      Keep up the news black out, dear. You don't wanna know …

      As for your good works, I want you to know that, as a non-believer, it gives me great happiness to understand that there are Christians (including some members of my own family) who actually DO devote themselves to good works. So feel free to keep talking about it. Blessings on you and your family. And the opposite to Mike Huckabee and those Westboro whackjobs.

  33. Negropolis

    You know, I wish Occupy Wall Street was still arouond, or at least the organizational memory of it. It really warmed my heart to see the people in front of the White House, today. I'd like more of that, and more of it everywhere else in the country.

    This whole nation can be shipped to Afghanistan; everyone has lost everything. :(

    1. Weedlord BonerHitler

      OWS IS still around! Who do you think organized relief work in the wake of Sandy? They've been out there doing shit every day, bringing food and clothes to people, harassing Bloomie to get heat to freezing residents, organizing drives to raise munnies. They're around and they're active, they're just not getting much press coverage. The press has a shiny new toy.

      1. Negropolis

        Where I live, they were all but hounded into dissolution. Their (local branches) relative absence at the Right-to-Work (attack on the middle class) protests in Michigan was notable.

        1. Weedlord BonerHitler

          Well, THAT sucks. Dang. They just held a vigil here last week, so I know they're still active. In fact, the guys here are pretty much taken over by the anarchistic black flag types. If they don't stop smashing shop windows, we're gonna have to do something about *them.*

  34. Isyaignert

    MEMO to Weedlord Bonehitler: I couldn't find the thread to properly respond; 'cos I'm just an old hippie chick. Good to talk to you too, tho. Been busy with Christmas 'n' stuff 'n' stuff. Yipee, the world's gonna end on my birthday! What a thrill! Thank you Jeesus, thank you Lorrd. Place your heads between your knees and kiss your asses g'bye.

    1. cousinitt

      "Place your heads between your knees and kiss your asses g'bye."

      Ah memories, good times. What I heard was "duck n' uncover" when I was in school. Who among us back then really understood why people would want to do something so heinous as to incinerate most of the world's life forms with nuclear radiation to settle a matter of power and influence between two of all the world's countries. Because well, those two were the ones which mattered. Because they said so and btw, they have The Bomb, so then it's ok to destroy most other people everywhere even if they didn't know about nuclear wars and Cold Wars.

      Even if they were innocent.

      Is this really the world in which we live?

    1. Weedlord BonerHitler

      I read an interview in which she called him her son, and said that when Barack is away, Bo gets to sleep in the bed. He is the CUTEST fucking dawg. I just want to smooch those intelligent brown eyes. Reminds me of my old pupper.

  35. PurgedVoter

    Important tip for animal lovers,

    Most salt water aquarium pets are not so happy about being hugged.

    Who knew?

    1. not that Dewey

      I'll take your kitties, thank you very much, but there's no fucking way I'm going to watch political gasbags today. Sunday morning teevee — Report from Santa Fe, right now, is interviewing John de Graaf, co-author of Affluenza: the All-Consuming Epidemic, which is awesome, and then Charles Osgood CBS Sunday Morning comes on at 9. After that, the teevee GOES OFF.

  36. Steverino247

    OK. Here's my happy thought for Sunday morning. We're going to institute a fee/tax/surcharge/whatever for every firearms purchase in this country with the exception of active duty law enforcement and then only for weapons necessary for their employment. Everyone who purchases a firearm under any circumstances (especially you gun show fuckers) will pay a fee which will go toward restitution and victims of firearms related violence. You will also be required to complete a firearms safety program before purchasing said weapons and be able to demonstrate that you have the ability to secure said weapons to prevent their misuse by others. All firearms advertising will have a safety warning similar to that required for tobacco products, if not more stringent.

    We should treat this problem like any other social ill that plagues us (domestic violence, DUI convictions, etc.). You can keep your guns, boys, but you're going to pay for the treatment your guns make necessary. If I've left anything out, by all means submit your amendment.

      1. Steverino247

        We already have those sentencing enhancements in CA. Got a guy ten years for gun use in a DV case I once had. Made my decade… Snort!

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