SILVER LININGS  6:24 pm December 14, 2012

Breaking: More Than 79 Million Children Come Home From School

by Rich Abdill

So many of these were full of kids!In an incredible stroke of almost unanimous nationwide good luck, students of 67,139 of the country’s 67,140 elementary schools got to go home after school today, to their parents, or guardians, or whoever is in charge of them, and they didn’t really have a bad time when they got there. They may have been hungry, and there is a 19 percent chance they are in poverty, but children in every single state in the union got to go home today.

Children on both coasts and in the middle and all the way out in the weird foreign parts like Hawaii came home from school, and ate dinner, and ice cream, and got hugs, and whined about their homework, and got more hugs, and they didn’t necessarily know why.

And that’s OK, because they came home, and it’s the best news anybody’s heard all day.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 74 comments }

HouseOfTheBlueLights December 14, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Just called my son, who is a public school teacher, to tell him I loved him. In the middle of the phone call, I got to hear him going all Alpha Male on some student who was giving him grief. Good times.

OzoneTom December 14, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Wow, what are the chances?

God truly is a merciful god, even for a country which has turned it's back on Her.

stefanbc December 14, 2012 at 6:27 pm

They still have school in Mississippi? I'm pretty sure that juvenile chain gangs do not count as vocational training.

HRH_Maddie December 14, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Best headline I've read in a long time. Thanks!

edgydrifter December 14, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Definitely a case of the shot-up, broken glass being half-full of blood, but at least it's half full. Still, a valiant effort to salvage something positive from this colossal pile of fuck of a Friday. Hats off to you, Rich.

Weedlord BonerHitler December 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm

And there I was, feeling all shitty-like, until I read your comment. Truly, this is why I come to Teh Wonketz. Also too Rich, also.

Goonemeritus December 14, 2012 at 6:30 pm

You can’t really be sure of that because in our sick gun obsessed culture incidents where only a few are shot don’t rate national mention. Odds are pretty good that some poor tyke got mowed down in a drive by somewhere.

Weedlord BonerHitler December 14, 2012 at 8:00 pm

I understand it's routine in neighbourhoods filled wiv Poors and BLAH.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 15, 2012 at 4:51 pm

12,000 gun homicides a year in the good ol' USA, that's a thousand a month, or roughly 33 citizens shot to death every fucking day. (An entire Iraq war's worth of dead, every 4 months.) Any day when none of 'em are kids is a good day in America.

Norway, home of the infamous massacre, has on average five (5) gun killings per year — about what we kill in 3-1/2 hours.

Oh, and we have 18,000 gun suicides a year, on top of the 12,000 homicides. All so a bunch of paranoid nutters can play at being patriots, pretend-defending us against imaginary tyrants. I'm sure they think it's worth it.

Sharkey December 14, 2012 at 6:30 pm

This seems pretty harsh on the homeless.

memzilla December 14, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Posted to FB parent-friends this PM: "It's not my place to tell you what to do, but you should go home now and hug the living daylights out of your beautiful (son/daughter (plural))."

They all did.

There's something in my eye.

Weedlord BonerHitler December 14, 2012 at 8:01 pm

C'mere, lemme get that for ya. (Hugs memzilla)

northernbassist December 14, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Don't get to say it often, but today:

Wonkette!! Fuck Yeah!!

Thanks, Rich.

mcrummett December 14, 2012 at 8:00 pm

What do you mean? I say that almost every day!

chascates December 14, 2012 at 6:33 pm

They can't fight our resource wars overseas if they get killed here. People will make reasonable suggestions about maybe thinking about gun violence and the NRA will scream it's a plot to confiscate your shotguns and deer rifles. And nothing will change.

Being an exceptional nation isn't always a plus.

Weedlord BonerHitler December 14, 2012 at 8:02 pm

We still have to do our best to fix it. We owe it to the kids who were murdered today.

Beowoof December 14, 2012 at 10:14 pm

When I hear exceptional anymore, I keep thinking exceptionally stupid.

Callyson December 14, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I'm finding this oddly comforting:

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young – Teach Your Children

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkaKwXddT_I

TootsStansbury December 14, 2012 at 6:38 pm

I would melt down afresh if I listened to that.

BerkeleyBear December 14, 2012 at 8:37 pm

Hell, I just conjure up the hook and the waterworks start.

viennawoods13 December 14, 2012 at 10:25 pm

I'm thinking about Clapton's Tears in Heaven, but I don't dare listen to it. Not today.

FeloniousMonk December 15, 2012 at 12:01 am

Old hippy. You probably haven't figured out what's so funny about peace, love and understanding.

RadioBitchFace December 14, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Must be the 67,139 schools where they pray for God to protect them and deliver them home safe.

Mojopo December 14, 2012 at 6:39 pm

I think I love you.

Thurman Munster IV December 14, 2012 at 6:39 pm

According to the NRA, 26 is an acceptable level of megadeath. It's not like we wouldn't get our hair mussed.

Rotundo_ December 14, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Not much has gone right or well today, but for those of us who made it home and had our loved ones make it home in one piece, we should be relieved to have done so. No snark here, sometimes we tend to take simple things like coming home for granted. Stay safe, appreciate the mundane joy of having made it through another day and hug someone you love. Appreciate the moment.

Weedlord BonerHitler December 14, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Tomorrow we work to ensure that no more little kids are murdered in their schools. (Hugs you) Thanks. Will do.

snowpointsecret December 14, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I knew I could count on Wonkette to find something to cheer me up after hearing about that shooting on every channel.

TootsStansbury December 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Back in the day we had a jeep. It was named "the jeep that dripped blood" on account of all the pinko stickers on it. One was "you can't hug your children with nuclear arms", maybe we should change that to "firearms".

Butch_Wagstaff December 14, 2012 at 6:59 pm

You should submit that idea to Northern Sun Merchandising. http://www.northernsun.com/

TootsStansbury December 14, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I just did this thing.

rickmaci December 14, 2012 at 6:59 pm

YES!!!

snowpointsecret December 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

By the way, fuck the NRA. And fuck Mike Huckabee.

Sorry, needed to get that one out, we can get back to the good news now.

StillGoinGreen December 15, 2012 at 1:12 am

And fuck Ted Nugent.

As you were.

facehead December 14, 2012 at 6:45 pm

The Onion has an interesting take on all this:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/right-to-own-han

chascates December 14, 2012 at 8:13 pm
viennawoods13 December 14, 2012 at 10:28 pm
christianmuslin December 14, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Yes, but we have truly failed when it comes to no child, that is no child, left behind.

Texan_Bulldog December 14, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I picked my two up today after school, took the boy to get his hair cut & went to the store to let them pick out their annual Christmas tree ornaments. It's the simple things that I know those parents will miss the most. God bless them.

MinAgain December 14, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Wonkette made me cry today. That's never happened before.

chascates December 14, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Here's some link titles from good old FreeRepublic on today's horror:

Obama promises 'meaningful action' after Newtown school shooting (Obama's Reichstag Fire?)

Left Mobilizes to Politicize School Shooting

(Flashback)1927 Bath Michigan School Massacre….38 children killed (no guns used)

CT Shooting- MNSBC playing up gun control minutes after shooting

And 3 posts about the school stabbings in China so if nuts couldn't get guns they'd use knives.

TootsStansbury December 14, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Gross. Gross. Gross. I am ashamed to admit I have relatives who are Freepers.

fuflans December 15, 2012 at 12:00 pm

course the key difference is 22 were WOUNDED in china. not dead.

Loch_Nessosaur December 14, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Here's a list of some federal 2012 candidates who received contributions from the Fucking NRA. Time to start hammering them.

finallyhappy December 14, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Roscoe Bartlett(R- asshole- MD) lost here in Maryland- his support from the NRA was hardly his biggest problem(made a remark about rape hardly ever causing pregnancy and something about Pell grants leading to the Holocaust)

PuckStopsHere December 14, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Has one of those motherfuckers on Fox News suggested that none of this would have happened if the kindergartners been armed yet? Fuck, fuck, and fuck. I think I hate this country right now.

mormos December 14, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Many manly tears were shed.

but seriously, thank you.

rickmaci December 14, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Might want to hold on for a bit. Schools are still open in Alaska and Hawaii.

Nothingisamiss December 14, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Thank you, Rick Abdill.

TootsStansbury December 14, 2012 at 7:19 pm

The news is reporting this as a tragedy. Isn't that an awful accident or natural occurrence? That's not what this is.

orygoon December 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I'm making a picture site of school photos of Goon family people who made it through all those years at school. It's my "blogsite" or whatever. Really, Picasa.

We are an adorable lot, but so are all the others.

PubOption December 14, 2012 at 7:48 pm

While the headline makes sense, it reminds me of an article in Pravda, celebrating a factory exceeding its quota of parts for a tractor which was out of production.

SnarkoMarx December 14, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Well, I've managed to keep the tears back all day just barely. Until now.

Weedlord BonerHitler December 14, 2012 at 8:12 pm

(Hugs you) It's OK to cry about this. If you can't weep for the massacre of children, then you probably should join the NRA or something.

SnarkoMarx December 14, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Somehow the fact that it's just a short distance from where I live makes it even more surreal. Not that children getting killed far away is any less horrific, it's just extra strange when the images on teevee look so much like your own neighborhood.

Weedlord BonerHitler December 14, 2012 at 9:12 pm

I know. It's natural and human to feel more deeply when you can identify with the victims of the crime. That's why this shooting hurts us more than the numerous killings of kids in Gaza or Afghanistan or Somalia or South Africa. Those are abstract. This is real.

Keep your snark up, tho! You'll need it when the RWNJ trolls show up determined to kick all our Lib asses for ghoulishly "politicizing this tragedy." I'm being attacked by at least 20 dolts simultaneously for opining as how this was a fucked up way to end my week, the killing of 22 little kids.

thebeatgoeson December 14, 2012 at 8:26 pm

Watching Obama having trouble getting the words out and wiping his eyes, and then reading this – I feel better and worse at the same time. Some days I wonder how we ever let our loved ones out of our sight. Or how we even manage to crawl out of bed most days…

Dashboard Buddha December 14, 2012 at 8:39 pm

I'm sure, like me, most of you have friends on FB that have started the handwringing. I read this (from a friend of a friend) just a few minutes ago:

"this is the worst thing that can happen to anyone."

Jesus wept. I wanted to post a comment about how 79 million kids got home safe and sound, but really…what's the point?

Weedlord BonerHitler December 14, 2012 at 9:14 pm

(Hugs you) The thing is, these are the same vague, well-meaning dolts who can't bring themselves to do doodly-squat about this ruinous insane shit because they're too busy watching football or Kim Kardashian's ass.

BerkeleyBear December 14, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Amen to the many, many confusing hugs. I'm afraid my daughter's going to be bruised when I finally get done squeezing her tonight.

Weedlord BonerHitler December 14, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Just tell her you did it because someone reminded you today that she was the most wonderful, beautiful, special thing in your life, and you love her so much sometimes you can hardly breathe. I wish I could hold my girl right now, but she's too grown-up for that shit.

Doktor Zoom December 14, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Well, thanks, Rich, you got me AND Kid Zoom crying here, damn you.

And I mean that as the compliment it is.

Guppy December 14, 2012 at 8:53 pm

The good news is that the Tea Party has already shown us what happens when you put ideological purity above all else: you lose influence and thereby make it easier for your opponents to succeed.

The gun lobby puts ideological purity above all else.

Weedlord BonerHitler December 14, 2012 at 9:16 pm

From your lips to the ears of any life-form sufficiently advanced as to hear and DO something about it. Like melt all the guns and cannons, when we try to shoot them. That would be a nice touch.

glasspusher December 14, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Picked up my kiddo today, and we talked about those who didn't make it home.

I'm donating to the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence now.

Edit: annual NRA membership is $35. I pumped in more than this to try to counteract them…

HarryButtle December 14, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Thank you.

ttommyunger December 14, 2012 at 11:06 pm

As I tweeted a few minutes ago: disgusting watching the NewsGhouls console EACH OTHER while extracting every possible ounce of misery from this horrific event.

Negropolis December 14, 2012 at 11:11 pm

I feel bad, because while I know it's meant to be comfort – I'm guessing the meaning is that we should be thankful for our own everyday – the way it's written still comes across as crass in how I'm processing it at the moment, and I bet I'm probably the only one. It's like one of those workplace accident tallies "Only twenty workers lost a limb, this year!".

StillGoinGreen December 15, 2012 at 1:20 am

I appreciate his attempt at normalcy, but I'm afraid that the new normal is this constant pit in my stomach. I tried to be mad at the NRA, I tried to be mad at the media for vulture tactics, I even tried to pin it on the republicans somehow – but I'm finding I'm just too sad to be mad today.

Negropolis December 15, 2012 at 2:11 am

I've become hyper-sensitive to this stuff. One death is too many. One death from a school shooting is a failure. 20 fuckin' babies gone at the drop of a dime is a catastrophic failure, as far as I'm concerned, and that the rest of America's children made it home is but the littlest comfort to me.

You're right. I feel the same thing. I wake up wondering if I'm going to turn on the news and hear about another mass shooting, and this is on top of pit already in my stomach realizing how many people were killed over the night in our urban areas due to the drug wars.

You know, all day the world Third World kept rolling through my mind concerning the conditions this rich-assed nation lives in, but I kept having to tell myself that that's insulting the Third World, because this shit doesn't happen even in most of these nations. They are too busy rising. What will it take to get us to realize that gun fetishization isn't normal? That we don't have to put up with this ridiculously high level of gun violence and violence in general? This isn't just a problem with our inner-cities. You take them out of the equation and America is still many times more violent than comparable nations. I' m tired of us throwing our hands up in the air with an "Oh, well." as if this is unavoidable and acceptable part of life. It's not.

Steverino247 December 14, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Another true story from the past. When I was politically active, I got at least one postcard per day from a member of some pro-gun organization that had taken the trouble to print out the card with my name and address on it so that their members in my district could harass me on the subject. I can't recall if said group (and it wasn't the NRA even) paid for the postage, but it was possible. Gun nuts are intolerable anywhere, but they're incredible assholes when you run for any office in the United States. I can't imagine what they must be like if you actually win an election (something I was obviously unable to accomplish…).

EvanHurst December 15, 2012 at 1:55 am

Goddammit, Rich. Somebody else said it above, and I'm a fucking Wonkette writer, but Wonkette made me cry tonight. Actually several times. When I first saw this post earlier, and then when I read it to my roommate, and just now when I told my ex about it and now I've gone to ALL THE FUCKING TROUBLE to create a new password so I can log in and talky talk with the folks in the comments section.

And also, well done, sir. The tone you struck here is exactly the tone that needed to be, er, stricken.

All silliness aside, to those of our readers who have babies and kiddos that you've hugged tonight, well…I'm glad you got to. I don't have any yet, but I want to and so many of my friends do and I've just watched them all day, the feelings they've been experiencing. Love to all of you.

On Monday I will start abusing people again, I promise.

DahBoner December 15, 2012 at 8:47 am

Home is wherever YOU are.

fuflans December 15, 2012 at 12:06 pm

thank you rich.

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