Breaking: More Than 79 Million Children Come Home From School

In an incredible stroke of almost unanimous nationwide good luck, students of 67,139 of the country's 67,140 elementary schools got to go home after school today, to their parents, or guardians, or whoever is in charge of them, and they didn't really have a bad time when they got there. They may have been hungry, and there is a 19 percent chance they are in poverty, but children in every single state in the union got to go home today.

Children on both coasts and in the middle and all the way out in the weird foreign parts like Hawaii came home from school, and ate dinner, and ice cream, and got hugs, and whined about their homework, and got more hugs, and they didn't necessarily know why.

And that's OK, because they came home, and it's the best news anybody's heard all day.