horrible people behaving horribly

A Children’s Treasury Of Sweet And Loving Missives From Your Friendly Neighborhood NRA

we're just going to look at animal pix the rest of the day, ok?You know what? We’ve been trying to write this thing for hours and failing, because there’s no good snark and we are supposed to bring you snark.  But there are 27 dead people in Connecticut, and 20 of them are children. Little kids, too – like kindergartners, like third graders, like fifth graders. Most of you are probably sitting numb at your computer like we’ve been all day, alternating between reading the news obsessively and deciding you can’t read it at all. What you are probably NOT doing is tweeting about how awesome guns are, how many guns you have, and how if we’d just armed teachers and kindergartners, none of this would happen. But hey! NRA types got that covered for you:

yes! more news about people carrying guns everywhere is the BEST type of news.

Today is indeed an awesome day to go over to Facebook and “like” the NRA. Won’t your friends be proud when that shows up in their feed? They’ll probably like them too! Who wouldn’t?

What time is it? Time to fetishize Israel AND call for arming teachers.

The NRA tweeted this before the shooting, but we just thought it was an awesome time to remind you how stone cold great it is to carry guns fucking EVERYWHERE.

Oh conservative pundits, this is probably the time for you to drink a glass of shut the fuck up.

Bryan Fischer would like to remind you that pretty much no one is as big of a dick as he is.


Bryan Fischer would like to add that besides being a massive dick, he is likely the most terrible person imaginable today.

Cool gun, bro. Great time to ask for a retweet from an arms manufacturer to show that bad boy off.

This one is a couple days old, but it is never too early to think about a gun for Christmas. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

We’re going to go watch that video of Bamz again, because somehow it makes us feel both worse and better. And then we might go hug a child, for reals.

[New York Times/Twitter]

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189 comments

      1. Callyson

        What's that line from Kids in the Hall?

        "No, I'm Canadian. We're like Americans, but we have health care and no guns."

        /dammit Canada go colonize a tropical island somewhere so I can move to your country without freezing to death

        1. bibliotequetress

          Given the number of "Je Me Souviens" license plates on Rt 12, the NC Outer Banks have been successfully invaded by Quebec. I eagerly await a lunch of poutine and flounder next time I visit. Perhaps we could all move down & secede, given that's all fashionable nowadays.

    1. finallyhappy

      I keep hoping that intelligent aliens will come and take over our planet- but like Childhood's End- not like V. Spoiler alert- we all die but for a better purpose

    1. Lot_49

      Some of them have been mistakes. The Eighteenth, for instance. We repealed it. Let's raise a glass to repeal of Two!

      1. soeoho

        Thats gunna make the 6th Comandment harder to break though… Then again the worship of guns pretty much "F's" the 1st comandment….

  1. weejee

    OFFS !!

    BTW, Wayne LaPierre was born the same year as I was, and his chickenhawk-hearted self missed the show in Vietnam. But he's a proud warrior doncha know. Probly draft deferred for chronic shitting in his pants.

      1. miss_grundy

        Most of the chickenhawks who think they are muy macho would probably start screaming like girls if they were sent to war besides shitting in their shorts.

  2. RadioBitchFace

    Apparently it's Bryan Fischer's Constitutional right to shoot those puppies, after he has sex with them, because God told him to.

    1. ButthurtWingers2012

      Hey…you forgot strangling orphans and then having his way with the corpses…god told Bryan to do that, too. These assholes give us every reason we'd ever need to hate them, don't they? tone deaf inbred fuckbrains…why is it poor people get to die from problems due to being poor (bad dietary choices from cheap food, not being able to see a doctor, hypertension, etc.) and yet this cockbrain can just keep babbling hate day in and out with not a single health problem as a result

      1. not that Dewey

        And that's just it — he interprets his own financial success as a sign of his own moral superiority. If everyone else were just as holy as he was, we'd all be rich, too. It's pathologically self-reinforcing.

        1. ButthurtWingers2012

          which is also bizare given the affinity for Victorian-era values…their whole fucking identity exists as such. Victorian-era England did NOT think wealth was a sign of moral superiority, they believed it was a sign of decadence (just like poverty was depravity). The only way this twat would be considered superior would be if he were bourgeosie…middle class/educated/churchy mcwinedrink. Given that he gets paid an unfair amount of money for being a caustic jackass his own 'morals' would dictate that he's a rich doucbebag who probably has orgies with little children off the clock…but when have wingnuts ever been consistent with….anything?

  3. PubOption

    So, according to Bryan Fischer, God is a blackmailer. That confirms my desire to have nothing to do with him/her/it.

    1. boobookitteh

      I would use the word 'asshole' to describe a deity that kills children to make us pray to him more frequently.

      I mean, that's really the only conclusion I can draw from Fischer's remarks.

      1. GhostBuggy

        “We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing, all-powerful god who creates faulty humans and then blames them for his own mistakes.” -Gene Roddenberry.

    2. mayor_quimby

      It is quite extortionary. Why just not have angels "guard" people such as kindergarteners from shit like this.
      Angels are real, right? No? Well, then we're fucked. Proper fucked as Turkish would say.

  4. dadanarchistmk2

    I know that it would probably upset the families of the victims, but we really need to start publishing crime scene photos after mass shootings. Faced with scenes of blood-soaked carnage, maybe then Americans will get a sense of the reality of what guns do to people.

    Fuck, who am I kidding?

    I'll just go back to drinking whiskey now…

    1. miss_grundy

      I agree with you, let's see these photos on billboards on the highways, on buses, on trains, in the newspaper, on the Internet. Perhaps it would shame the gun twats if we would stand with these photos next to them while they spouted their shit on some news magazine show. Perhaps if enough people freak out we might get some solid legislation passed.

      1. dadanarchistmk2

        Yeah, I know, that's why I feel queasy about it. Of course, I'm not saying feature photos of the actual victims, just the scene afterwards.

  5. not that Dewey

    The top seven petitions at the White House petition site are calling for stricter gun laws, or at the very least, discussions about stricter gun laws. I know they're just stupid online petitions and we're never going to get a Death Star or Punch Grover Norquist in the Dick or anything, but a little cathartic petition-jamming can't hurt.
    https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petitions

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Naturally, some dickwad created a "gun in every classroom" petition. He's being outvoted by a 10-1 margin.

    1. GhostBuggy

      Didn't you know? That's the old, antiquated part of the amendment the Founders meant to have fade away. The rest of it, the Founders totally meant to include any person with the scratch to buy automatic weapons.

  6. CrunchyKnee

    One place that shouldn't have 1 million people toting guns around with them 24/7 is Flo'duh, where crazy is normal. But, then again, sure, have it Florida, evolution is a grand thing sometimes.

  7. Hammiepants

    Oh for fucks sake. Just. SHUT. UP. ALREADY. There are 20 BABIES, motherfuckers, laying on the floor of their goddamn KINDERGARTEN classroom, getting colder. You need TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. Jesus.

  8. mirrorballdc

    I don't know if anyone is asking Santa Claus for a new gun this year, but I guarantee you any fat guy who tries to enter a house in Texas or Florida through the chimney is going to get his head blown off.

  9. Botlrokit

    Can we go back to the donkey sex now?

    Famous dead man Bill Hicks (and my Lord and Savior — have you heard of him?) once said: "The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourselves off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one."

    I love you all. Not just today, but yesterday. And tomorrow. I love you so much, I want to hold you each, and tell you that we're going to get through this.

    Hallelujah, Bill.

  10. Mojopo

    Snipy, thanks for trying. I really, really appreciate the effort because this is a terrible awful day. Sending virtual hugs, which is something I never do. Mean it.

  11. johnnyzhivago

    No snark here, but in 2012 there must be a technical solution to this problem – ie to make guns or bullets not work or inert or something in certain places. I mean every frigging cellphone has GPS in it now, I can't believe you can't make guns that don't work in schools or shopping malls.

    Unless of course you consider it your RIGHT to shoot people in a school?

  12. Callyson

    Rules for Radicals prohibit me from saying what I would like to do to Bryan Fischer.

    /FFS, first of many I am sure…

  13. RadioBitchFace

    Some unpaid commentor at Breitbart:

    No biggie, as far as the Left is concerned.
    Happens all the time inside the Planned Parenthood Corporation abortion mills, as a matter of fact.
    It helps desensitize the Left to the gross immorality of killing defenseless children.

    You see libtards, it's YOUR fault.

    1. Callyson

      Yeah, that's why we liberals aren't upset at all about this…

      …and now my tears of sorrow are tears of rage…

      /FFS forever to that asshole who wrote that

    2. memzilla

      So:

      Killing Unborn Fetuses: Pass Constooshnul 'Menment to stop it.
      Killing Actual Born Children: Keep Constooshnul 'Menment that allows it.

  14. Newsriffs

    Bryan Fischer's "God" sounds like a crazy hostage taker, issuing a demand: "Have your children praise me aloud, daily, in their schools, or I'll send someone to shoot them."

    If, as they say, this "God" is universal and infinite, it exists whether or not he's "invited in" with prayer. So this "God" must have been watching the gunman load up, and start shooting, without intervening on behalf of the little victims. That hardly sounds like a holy entity worth praying to, to me.

    1. GhostBuggy

      Hmm, it seems as though there's a bit of a hole in this whole "God" story, doesn't it? That maybe we'd be better off trying take care of each other instead of shoving it off on some cosmic underachiever who couldn't seemingly give two shits for the most defenseless of his creations?

      No, that can't be right.

    2. CommieLibunatic

      Once again, the USS Merika has run aground on the Problem of Evil.

      Honestly, it'd make me feel less bad if we were worshiping a demon. At least then it'd make sense.

    3. Barrelhse

      It's astounding how incredibly devoted these zealots are, to an over-dressed figment of the imagination.

  15. Pragmatist2

    This is a moral moment and we should treat it as such. The moral thing to do is pick a time – step out onto the streets as a people and insist that the legislatures stop paying attention to the factless crazies of the NRA and their ilk. Shutting down America for an hour or two and calling shame on the GOP would be a good start.

    1. Biff

      Knowing us, though, as a Nation, we'll go outside and shoot our Glocks in the air. You know, to mourn the dead, or something.

    2. MaxNeanderthal

      Hey there USA, I haven't seen you for years! Shit, what happened to you- kinda let yourself go, haven't you?

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      If only the cowardice was limited to the GOP.

      Maybe, just maybe, in 2014, the NRA's cash will work as well as the Koch Bros' and Adelson's cash worked this year. We just need candidates with a minimal amount of fucking spine to go up against them. Certainly at this point, any candidate who just says it publicly, "Fuck the NRA", should win handily in any remotely sane district.

      1. fuflans

        i'm going to try… something. i don't know what. but i'm educated, middle class, and most importantly blond.

        i have skills.

        i'm going to try and make a difference this year.

  16. Texan_Bulldog

    I'm surprised the NRA response isn't: Why weren't those Kindergarteners armed? They could have mowed that bastard down.

    Oh, and add Mike Huckabee to the 'if we could pray in school this shit wouldn't happen' crazy train. He must have gotten jealous of all the publicity Bryan Fischer is getting.

      1. Callyson

        Thank you for this–I seriously needed it. Think I'll bookmark it so that I can refer to it when the next senseless shit goes down…

    1. SayItWithWookies

      I'd like to burn a Bible every time some jackassanine pastor says some completely dumbshit inhumane thing that's morally repugnant to the principles this country was founded on — maybe it would get them to think before they suckled at the teat of their sick, twisted religion. Unfortunately I don't have a couple million dollars lying around, which would be enough to cover the last six months or so, but it's a pleasant thing to think about at times like this.

    2. miss_grundy

      If you want to drink far into the night go to the Mother Jones web site and look at an article that has tweets from conservatives in which they call for more guns. It makes you want to either cock punch or twat kick gun owners who respond to this tragedy this way.

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Where was Huckleberry when someone shot up that Xtian university in Oakland? All that prayin' and swayin' to Jeebus doesn't seem to impress a nut with a gun.

  17. edgydrifter

    Let's test Bryan Fischer's theory out. How about we lock him in a room with the parents of the deceased–sure, make it the church of his choice, why the fuck not–and we'll time how long it takes for God to intercede on his behalf. Votes, surveyor marks, blah blah whatever.

  18. shelwood46

    You left out Mike Huckabee saying that this happened because "we removed God from the schools."

    But today's Twitter winner is clearly this one:

    Legalizehazing ‏@legalizehazing

    Whose idea was public schools? Blame them for this and take responsibility for your own. #nra #guns #tcot #tlot

    1. RadioBitchFace

      I blame it on child labor laws. Those kids should have been working at poetry factories or Walmart or Whatnaught.

  19. BadKitty904

    How long will the NRA be allowed to hold this nation hostage?

    How long before our elected officials rout this vicious organization's infamous lobby and protect the lives of Americans?

    1. poorgradstudent

      How long until someone on a news network points out that the Second Amendment says "well-regulated militia" right there? (Seriously, that's always driven me nuts…).

      1. PubOption

        There is one strand of wingnut thought that believes that 'militia' refers to the army, and 'well regulated' means kept in line (by armed citizens). It does appear to make sense in the context of the 2nd amendment, and the authors of that amendment are not in a position to deny it.

        1. Negropolis

          I'm sure the wingnut thought on this and its difference to the literal interpretation is that most of us read it as one, coherent sentence, and they read it as if there's a semi-colon in it. You know:

          "No Money Down!"

          as opposed to:

          "No; Money Down!"

  20. Callyson

    Dear NRA/gun wingnuts:

    If you are going to continue to oppose restrictions on access to guns, at the very least, support something that would help prevent these tragedies. Because no, Goddammit, arming teachers/the mass public is *not* the fucking answer. Not everyone is comfortable with guns, and even for those who are, it is not particularly easy to fire a weapon with any accuracy (if you've never held a gun, it actually requires some skill to hit the target you are trying to shoot,) And don't even get me started on the risk that the law abiding citizen who attempts to intervene in this situation could be mistaken for the criminal by the cops or by another person with a gun…

    …oh God, why even bother?

    Shorter version: Fuck you, NRA.

    /FFS

    1. CommieLibunatic

      For the possibility of an armed citizen nearly shooting the wrong person, look no further than the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      I'm putting my money on a .454 Cassel with bullets jacketed in silver melted off a cross beneath the Vatican.

  21. Chi_town_Vinny

    In a 2-1 decision that is a major victory for the National Rifle Association, the U.S. Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals said the Illinois state ban on carrying a weapon in public is unconstitutional.

    Stupid.

    1. Callyson

      I am getting tired of my signature line already…and it's still too early to drink because I have to drive soon.

      /FOR FUCK'S SAKE

  22. stefanbc

    The fact that Bryan Fischer hasn't contracted ALS is all the proof that I need that God never existed

  23. rocktonsam

    "Just one more kid that will never go to school, never get to fall in love, never get to be cool"

    stick those guns up your asses you limp dick NRA assholes. deep down they're all a bunch pussies hiding their penis envy.

    hug your kids and grandkids today Wonkados,also!

  24. Callyson

    JFC, I am going through the photos on HuffyPo's article on this. Those tears that I was on the verge of all day are here…

    /please someone stop me before I read the comments there if I see one fucking troll go on about how the teachers should have been armed I will lose it…

  25. Toomush_Infer

    Look, I've said it before: the NRA is a nonprofit lobbiest (501c4?). The only thing Wonkettes are good at, really good at (some of us not as good at) is snark. We need a non-profit to really hard-time make fun of the NRA, its' staff, board, members. I'm an old retired exec from the non-profit world, and lazy, but if someone other than me could start something like this, I'd serve in some snarky capacity…btw, nice puppies….

  26. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    " …conservative pundits, this is probably the time for you to drink a glass of shut the fuck up."

    This, except screamed at the top of my voice. Tonight, when I light the candles, I did not say a Shabbat prayer, or a Hanukkah prayer. I begged G*d, if she is there, to please stop killing children.

  27. Mumbletypeg

    Ah, I am "praying" for you Anne Britton — because plain common sense got dislodged from your noggin, and no quantity of stockpiled weapons & ammo will help you get it back.

  28. MaxNeanderthal

    Gun owners are simply inadequates, vainly seeking the power and kudos they crave, but will never acquire. As they sit in their basements, masturbating yet again into their semen crusted shorts, they need to know that they are truly and for ever, slaves. Slaves to an undefined fear, slaves to a gross ignorance of the world beyond their walls, slaves to a lonliness they will never escape. They fondly believe they are free, but chillingly, they truly have nothing to fear. They need to fear the nothingness of their empty, feeble, lonely, loveless lives that yawn before them. They are pitiful losers in the lottery of love and life. Turn your face away from them, and walk on by….

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Nor the Washington sniper.
          100% men, though — one of those elephant-in-the-room facts that nobody wants to touch.

          1. not that Dewey

            Except for Brenda Ann Spencer. But back then, it was so rare, and there were so few overall school shootings, and many years passed before the next one, that even if anyone were looking for a common thread, he/she wouldn't have found it.

          2. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Nothing in the 33 years since. And before Spencer, who? Lizzie Borden? The correlation is undeniable.

          3. not that Dewey

            Yes — many, many 9s in the correlation. There have been plenty of female killers, but they tend towards different MOs.

  29. HarryButtle

    The last couple of years haven't been a picnic for me, and the holiday seasons haven't been especially joyful. Honestly, they've been kinda depressing and stressful. But this year, I really was feeling just a tiny spark of Christmas spirit again…and a little hope for the future.

    How wonderful to find that there's always somebody out there somewhere, just waiting to snuff that spark out with insane acts of horrifying violence.

  30. glamourdammerung

    At least no one brought up that whole "lack any sort of functional mental health care system in this country" thing.

  31. Biff

    I gotta go to the hardware store to pick up something I ordered earlier in the week. Next door is a gun shop. Lard forgive me, I'm going in. Just because I'm so sure they are so sure Obama's gonna be coming for their guns this time for real, I want to see what I can get for one. See how willing they are to put their money where their mouth is.

      1. Biff

        It didn't go quite as planned. The shop owner was polite and helpful, despite his anti-Obama bumper-stickers on display. I'm not sure if he remembers me from the range, where I heard his audible gulp when he saw my pro-Obama bumper-sticker on the back of my truck…

  32. MonkeyMotion

    Bryan Fischer's "god" sounds like a vain, hyper-sensitive, fkg asshole.
    Interesting — just like Bryan Fischer.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        ♪♫ Rake the hall with hollow-point volleys
        Fa-la-la-la-la, la la la la.
        Kill and maim with mindless folly
        Fa-la-la-la-la, la la la la. ♪♫

  33. Mumbletypeg

    Oh and, Media: for once restrain yourselves and keep your grubby cameras out of the bystander children's faces?? The last thing a grieving classmate needs or your audience wants is to make a bad situation worse. Your exploitative photos and video captures of the least defensive & most vulnerable of ours ultimately says nothing about their pain and everything about your own greedy chops.

  34. orygoon

    I keep thinking of those gap-toothed school photos of us all. Found one of myself, and it's here for now instead of the ass-end of the Orygun flag. Oh, shit, think of those kids. And their families. Who can think of anything else? Oh, the gun nuts can, I guess; they're thinking of their goddam fucking guns.

  35. Naked_Bunny

    Oh, please. If teachers started carrying firearms into the classroom, these people would be the first to freak out about unionized, socialist educators teaching their kids about gay marriage and evolution at gunpoint.

  36. jolpaj

    To test Fischer's hypothesis that school shootings happen because there is no prayer in school, and God does not protect anyone in places where he is not welcome, let's see whether anyone has opened-fire on a morning school prayer group. Yes. In Kentucky. The hypothesis fails to explain the evidence.

    1. feminazipenishrinker

      There was a mass shooting in Brookfield, WI at a church service, by one of its parishioners in 2005 as well.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      Third graders aren't obsessing over the size of their penises yet, so they lack the incentive to own firearms.

      1. viennawoods13

        Ok, this is totally off-topic, but I MUST share. My 2 year old (now 19) was frolicking around the back yard au naturel, and I said something along the lines of how funny he looked with his little penis hanging out. He was quite indignant and said "No mommy! Big penis!" Two years old.

  37. Schmegeg

    Here's a recipe:

    A busload of people
    All carrying blunt instruments
    Pull up at NRA HQ and let's have at it.

  38. ChickTract_Fil_A

    Since the first drunk driving fatality in Sept 1897, Drudge Report still has alerts of McKinley taking our booze away.

  39. ttommyunger

    As long as some men are born with small peens, there will be this pathological and hysterical need for guns on the part of these fellows. I see no way to solve this problem.

  40. Negropolis

    Teabaggers won't ever call for gun control until liberals start shooting back…with or without votes. Jus' sayin'.

    It's days like these when you see all of the inappropriate gloating upon the gunning down of 26 human beings – 20 of them small children – that makes you want to go to the dark side and lower yourself to their level and be just as nasty and just as against the laws of nature. And, I guess you just have to fight it.

    1. mayor_quimby

      Fuck yes, puppies! Today we need a bit of creatures whose first instinct is 'feed me, cuddle me!' not 'what you lookin at, wanna fight about?' Throw in a little bit of that goat who uses his siblings as climbing rocks and I'll feel better.

  41. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Frankly, I'm all in favor of repealing the fucking Second Amendment. We don't need it, paranoid fantasies of the wingtards notwithstanding. If the fucking gun nuts want to shoot it out with the government, well … natural selection could use some help in this country.

  42. bibliotequetress

    Adams Lanza kills his mother with her own legal gun, then uses it to slaughter 20 small children and 8 adults. Two weeks ago, Jovan Belcher murdered his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins with the legally purchased gun that both Kasandra and Jovan frequently used, together, on a target range. Owning a legal gun not only does not protect you from being killed, it does not prevent you from being killed by your own gun. And, apparently, our current gun laws are not enough to protect anyone, despite what the shitbrains in the Michigan Legislature. http://www.freep.com/article/20121214/NEWS06/1212

    I'm going off to take a shower and cry now.

  43. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Guns are needed for self-protection" is complete and utter bullshit.

    Lanza's mother had three guns in the house — has anyone asked the gun nuts how well that worked out?

    1. gullywompr

      If I'm hearing things correctly, it's starting to sound like she was something of a gun nut herself.

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