'DOODLE'  4:31 pm December 14, 2012

Let’s Decompress With A Sweet Story About A Mini-Donkey And The Boy Who Loves Her

by Evan Hurst

In all seriousness, Wonkette people, today has been awful when it comes to The News. America’s every-other-day massacre was particularly horrible and heartwrenching today, as news came out that twenty-seven people, mostly kids, were gunned down in an elementary school in Connecticut. Gun rights enthusiasts are, of course, screaming TOO SOON and THE BODIES ARE STILL WARM and WON’T YOU ALL PLEASE THINK OF THE (dead) CHILDREN, because in trigger-happy America, they know that by the time it’s not too soon and the bodies are not warm and stuff, there will be a new TOO SOON, etc. But anyway, it is Friday afternoon, and this day sucks, so let’s all warm our collective hearts with a sweet story about a donkey named “Doodle” and the boy, Carlos, who loves her just so much:

A Florida man accused of having sex with a miniature donkey named Doodle is protected by the United States Constitution, his lawyers say.

Oh fucking hell, this is not a sweet story at all, and our hearts go out to the family and friends of “a miniature donkey named Doodle.” It is, of course, TOO SOON to talk about reforming our man-mini-donkey sex laws to make sure that people like this get the treatment/therapy they need while also protecting the sanctity of Doodle’s diddleparts, SO DON’T EVEN START, commenters.

Carlos, what is your explanation for this little incident?

The accusations stem from an August incident in which a witness reportedly saw Romero with his pants down “up against the rear of the donkey,” according to the Smoking Gun.

Romero reportedly stepped away from the donkey

Step away from the donkey.

and pulled up his pants when he saw the witness.

But, when Marion County detectives questioned him about the incident, he allegedly admitted that, when the donkey is in heat, he will stand behind her, scratch her withers and masturbate. He says he “likes the way her fur feels on his privates,” according to WSTP-TV.

Okay. First off, who that is older than twelve refers to his down-theres as his “privates?” Second of all, do we even know what Doodle was wearing at the time, because in White Male GOP ‘Murka, SHIT LIKE THAT MATTERS, and besides if Doodle didn’t want it, the minidonkey body has ways to shut that whole thing down, and the people said, “Amen.”

Third, in what universe are we pretending that this is not commonplace in that part of the country? This happened just south of the area this particular Wonket’s brother not affectionately at all refers to as “Flor-gia,” and it is very much The South. This seems to remind us of another Doodlefuck incident from a few years ago where a certain Neil Horsley (haw haw) was running for governor of Georgia and caused quite a little kerfuffle when words about his own love life started to leak:

Last night, anti-abortion extremist Neal Horsley was a guest on The Alan Colmes Show, a FOX News radio program. The topic was an interesting one – whether or not an internet service provider should allow Horsley to post the names of abortion doctors on his website. Horsley does that as a way of targeting them and one doctor has been killed. In the course of the interview, however, Colmes asked Horsley about his background, including a statement that he had admitted to engaging in homosexual and bestiality sex.

At first, Horsley laughed and said, “Just because it’s printed in the media, people jump to believe it.”

“Is it true?” Colmes asked.

“Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like I…”

AC: “You had sex with animals?”

NH: “Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”

AC: “I’m not so sure that that is so.”

You see? In that part of the country, your first girlfriend is sometimes a mule, your second girlfriend is a big melon of some sort, and once you’ve gone through that break-up, you graduate to mini-donkeys. This is because there are no girls in Flor-gia, and really we should just be glad that Doodle wasn’t a boy mini-donkey, because this is a Christian nation after all.

I hope this story warmed your hearts and distracted you from today’s horror for like five minutes, so anyway, bye. [Huffington Post]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 118 comments }

IncenseDebate December 14, 2012 at 4:34 pm

All he wanted was a little piece of ass.

Or a piece of a little ass.

Beowoof December 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm

He could take that on the road, Groom of the Burrow.

iburl December 14, 2012 at 4:57 pm

He wanted to get some of that sweet Ba-donk-a-donkey.

iburl December 14, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I'm not sure this is what Taco Bell had in mind with it's Stuffed Burrito campaign.

Aridzona December 14, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Talk about taking it in the ass!

Dr_Zoidberg December 14, 2012 at 4:35 pm

That donkey was probably asking for it, what with dressing like a slut and all.

shelwood46 December 14, 2012 at 4:41 pm

She was in heat. If that's not asking for it, I don't know what is.

mrpuma2u December 14, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Hey if it was legitimate bestiality the donkey has a way of shutting that whole thing down, which would be donkey kicking dude in the balls.

Toomush_Infer December 14, 2012 at 4:58 pm

So, you're saying the donkey must have liked it…..

jello_mold December 14, 2012 at 4:35 pm

When you grow up on a farm in Georgia you might be a…aw fuck it.

dennis1943 December 14, 2012 at 7:05 pm

I was told, by a reliable source,that hip boots were not used for fishng where she came from…….

Calapine December 15, 2012 at 4:05 am

What were they used for?

Honest question.

dennis1943 December 17, 2012 at 6:00 pm

To hold the rear legs of non-consenting sheep………….

Calapine December 17, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Now my next question would be why you know such details, but I don't want to cause you any emberassment. ;)

OzoneTom December 14, 2012 at 4:36 pm

At least no one can accuse him of in-breeding.

Also, Horsley?

Botlrokit December 14, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Old news. Ass-sex has been legal since Lawrence v. Texas.

Beowoof December 14, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Wile E. Quixote December 17, 2012 at 3:24 am

And do you know what, we didn't have an anti-bestiality law in Washington until after Kenneth Pinyan's ill-fated romantic evening in Enumclaw. Talk about locking the barn door after the horse's massive cock has destroyed your anal sphincter and ruptured your intestines.

Beowoof December 14, 2012 at 4:37 pm

A donkey fucker from Florida, Rick Scott is that you.

Antispandex December 14, 2012 at 4:37 pm

If donkeys don't want to have sex, their bodies have a way of shutting that down…or so I read.

flipdraw December 14, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Awaiting erudite discourse on this topic from Santorum. I just know it'll be worth hearing.

Citizen Kitteh December 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm

If I ever need a new Wonkette handle, I think it will be StepAwayFromTheDonkey .

One_who_wanders December 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm

OT
But is everyone else seeing the Wonkville link on the right. Cause for me it is MIA.

Botlrokit December 14, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Yeah, missing for me, too. Maybe we're flooding someone's inbox today…

fuflans December 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm

me too.

Crank_Tango December 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Today, we celebrate the right to ram burros.

Mumbletypeg December 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm

"Flor-gia." How, how did I miss that one before..
Thanks, Evan — I think?

Meathamper December 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Florida never fails to deliver, even in times of national crisis.

MrsConclusion December 14, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Florida IS the national crisis.

Citizen Kitteh December 14, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I imagine gals seeing the picture and thinking "Kinda cute for a mug shot", and then reading the story and going "Eeeeww!".

jello_mold December 14, 2012 at 4:56 pm

He seems to think he's getting some kind of award.

GeneralLerong December 14, 2012 at 4:39 pm

"…but fuck just one pig…"

Callyson December 14, 2012 at 4:40 pm

All this guy is missing is a bumper sticker spotted in San Diego:

"Democrats are sexy – who ever heard of a hot piece of elephant?"

(What? I need some tasteless humor after reading about the CT shootings…)

noodlesalad December 14, 2012 at 4:40 pm

The Great Doodle Diddle?

Fred_Wertham_Jr December 14, 2012 at 4:41 pm

On days like this, it's nice to be reminded that life is, after all, good.

One_who_wanders December 14, 2012 at 4:41 pm

And the Horsely thing -> that is one of classic "Even if it was true I wouldn't admit it!" statements.

Hammiepants December 14, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Man, Neal Horsely, TMfuckingI much???

Naked_Bunny December 14, 2012 at 4:43 pm

he “likes the way her fur feels on his privates,”

This line doesn't work as well as you might expect.

Toomush_Infer December 14, 2012 at 5:01 pm

He really meant to say: "I'll take it out early, honest."….

Naked_Bunny December 14, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Planned Parenthood is going to get involved? Now that's scandalous!

CrunchyKnee December 14, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Today we are all mini donkeys, or some such shit. Pass the bourbon.

GoodDogThor December 14, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Doodle diddle.

GeneralLerong December 14, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Shall we guess how many times from now on the new meme Neal "Mulefucker" Horsley is gonna have to be deleted from just about site where it's possible to post it?

iburl December 14, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Neigh

mavenmaven December 14, 2012 at 4:46 pm

And, of course, this being America, next thing you know, this guy shoots up a stable full of young mules and donkeys.

An_Outhouse December 14, 2012 at 9:52 pm

2 soon. stop it.

Veritas78 December 14, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Wow, so Santorum was right. First, gay marriage, then this. What else did he predict?

iburl December 14, 2012 at 5:04 pm

That he would become president.

redarmyzombie December 14, 2012 at 4:47 pm

So, what does Bessie have to say on the matter?

Lot_49 December 14, 2012 at 4:47 pm

And Florida pulls into the lead again in the race to Crazytown. Suck it, Alabama.

And Connecticut? Gimme a break! Joe Lieberman's from Connecticut.

coolhandnuke December 14, 2012 at 4:48 pm

If he can also master the ping pong balls in the pooper thing, a lucrative career awaits him in Tijuana.

emmelemm December 14, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Hee-HAW!

Doktor Zoom December 14, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Members of the Brony community were quick to distance themselves from Romero's actions, emphasizing that the infamous Lyra plushie was "just an online joke." (Link may be NSFW depending on how weird your workplace is)

emmelemm December 14, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I have my own office, yo.

Fare la Volpe December 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I hate everything about today.

Everything.

Biff December 14, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Oh for fuck's sake!

Grokenstein December 14, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I was hoping this was your article, because there are plenty of images of Cranky Doodle Donkey you could've used and it would've been so perfect because Doodle.

…Well, that was my smile for the day. Back to hating this f***ing universe for the next several hours.

Doktor Zoom December 14, 2012 at 9:06 pm

As a relative n00b who mostly just follows the pony meme thing, I was unaware of this Cranky character. (Yes, I've finally given in and started watching the thing on Netflix. It's awesome. But I'm only on Season 1).

Biff December 14, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Hey, at least it weren't no sheep!

glasspusher December 14, 2012 at 4:55 pm

You know, you can get wool from them, too!

coolhandnuke December 14, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Dudley Doodle Right of the Royal Florida Mounties.

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2012 at 4:51 pm

"Is it in yet?"
– Doodle

dadanarchistmk2 December 14, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Is a "mini-donkey" the Pocket Rocket of fuckable farmyard animals?

glasspusher December 14, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Moar donkey fucking, less guns, pleezzee?

Callyson December 14, 2012 at 4:54 pm

OT, somewhat, but Jezebel has an article some of you might like:

Fuck you, guns

http://jezebel.com/5968540/fuck-you-guns

Personally, I would write "Fuck you, NRA," since I know some decent and civilized people who happen to own guns, but this works for me too…

HempDogbane December 14, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Waiting to see what Justice Scalia thinks…

Toomush_Infer December 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm

You know that lump under his robe is his replacement manhood….

Biel_ze_Bubba December 17, 2012 at 7:53 am

Evidently, he thinks that the kids were killed by a well-regulated militia.

savethispatient December 14, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Reminds me of the story of the Welshman, who complained:
"See those fences, I built those. But do they call me Jones the Fence-builder? No."
"See those roofs in the village, I repaired those. But do they call me Jones the Roofer? No."
"See the villagers' cars, I fix them all the time. But do they call me Jones the Mechanic? No."
"But they catch me with a sheep that ONE time…"

iburl December 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Pack Mule, indeed.

fuflans December 14, 2012 at 5:01 pm

ok time to go to lolcats or 'awkward family photos'.

love you all.

anniegetyerfun December 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Sex with a melon – at least only one (maybe) sentient being is involved.

Mittens Howell, III December 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Today, we are all butt-hurt donkeys.

ElPinche December 14, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Oh ok, beastiality is bad blah blah. I guess you people have never seen a mini donkey up close with its long sexxy eyelashes.

Doktor Zoom December 14, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I think you just scared Fluttershy

Mittens Howell, III December 14, 2012 at 5:04 pm

NH: “Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”

AC: “I’m not so sure that that is so.”

#awkward conversations

littlebigdaddy December 15, 2012 at 6:42 pm

The alternative is a member of your extended family.

johnnyzhivago December 14, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Go do this now! Or I'll shoot you!
https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/immedia

calliecallie December 14, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Keep your sparkle ponies away from that guy.

Doktor Zoom December 14, 2012 at 5:11 pm

This is NOT Assfucking We Can Believe in!

not that Dewey December 14, 2012 at 5:13 pm

I'll never be able to look at a Nativity scene the same way again.

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Really — it's nice to know at least one of the characters in the creche might be getting some.

Barrelhse December 14, 2012 at 6:42 pm

The Caganer was enough.

TootsStansbury December 14, 2012 at 5:23 pm

If it had been a chicken, I just might have laughed.

Barrelhse December 14, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Or cackled.

TribecaMike December 14, 2012 at 5:25 pm

You know what they say — little donkey, big doodle.

Doktor Zoom December 14, 2012 at 5:29 pm

he “likes the way her fur feels on his privates”

This is the inevitable result of the bikini waxing industry.

HistoriCat December 14, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Oh fucking hell, this is not a sweet story at all, and our hearts go out to the family and friends of “a miniature donkey named Doodle.”

Thanks Evan – I needed that.

Chet Kincaid_ December 14, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I know a mule is the offspring of a donkey and a horse, but what do we call the offspring of a donkey and a dumbfuck? Bronkey?

Barrelhse December 14, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Republican voter?

imissopus December 14, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Ann Coulter?

Barrelhse December 14, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Hitler??

CthuNHu December 14, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Senator?

Doktor Zoom December 14, 2012 at 11:50 pm

And Mrs. Blutarsky?

Wile E. Quixote December 17, 2012 at 3:02 am

Bryan Fischer?

Chow Yun Flat December 14, 2012 at 5:59 pm

From The Smoking Gun:

After recalling that he masturbated with the donkey “5 or 6 times,” Romero “stated Florida is a backwards state and people frown on zoophilia here.”

When Carlos Romero, mini-donkey pervert, thinks you are a backward state, you should listen.

SuspectedDemocrat December 14, 2012 at 6:00 pm

What a nice young man.

Chet Kincaid_ December 14, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Has NAMDLA released a statement? Or at least a tweet?

Barrelhse December 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm

I got a mule, her name is Doodle
Hey la-de, la-de lo
She just craves my lovin' noodle
Hey la-de la-de lo

dennis1943 December 14, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Take comfort that procreation probably will not occur………..

Biel_ze_Bubba December 17, 2012 at 7:56 am

I thought it was mules that were sterile.

christianmuslin December 14, 2012 at 7:26 pm

If any of you change your on-line name to donkeyfucker we will think twice if you ask if we want to go to the county fair.

Guppy December 14, 2012 at 8:37 pm

When we at Wonkett demand more "ass-fucking," this is not what we have in mind.

Most of us.

Usually.

chascates December 14, 2012 at 9:34 pm

When one jackass loves another.

MilwaukeeKent December 14, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Two retired British Army Majors were sitting around the club one day and one said to the other, "Did you hear the news about Carruthers? Seems he was caught having relations with his horse."
"Why, that's terrible!" the other replied and after a pause, asked "Mare or stallion?"
"Stallion of course, nothing queer about Carruthers."

Barrelhse December 14, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Bang away on Doodle
Bang the whole day through
Bang away on Doodle
She's the mule for you.

Rich girl does it on the bed
Poor girl on the floor
Doodle does it in the stall
And gets four inches more.

Rich girl uses Vaseline
Poor girl uses lard
Doodle uses axle-grease
And packs it twice as hard.

ttommyunger December 14, 2012 at 11:14 pm

But I do find it difficult to fault a man who loves animals…..

Troglodeity December 15, 2012 at 12:01 am

"… Doodle do or die!"

Negropolis December 15, 2012 at 12:09 am

A Florida man

Why yes, of course.

Keep fuckin' that donkey! Actually, on second thought, let go of that donkey, and don't make me tell you again.

Negropolis December 15, 2012 at 12:18 am

Oh god, please don't read the rest of the police report. It gets quite graphic.

Wile E. Quixote December 17, 2012 at 3:10 am

Probably not as graphic as the police report from the death of Kenneth Pinyan

DahBoner December 15, 2012 at 8:55 am

I'm not a farmer, but I thought it was the rooster that went "Cock a Doodle do"….

littlebigdaddy December 15, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Yeah, but here's what Doodle was singing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMaFjEH1B0g

awwalk56 December 15, 2012 at 10:30 pm

What's the big deal? Maybe it was gods will. There's no chance of the donkey getting pregnant, pregnancy from "illegitimate donkey fucking" is "really rare" because "the donkey's body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

DesertTed December 17, 2012 at 2:20 am

Didn't Pat Robertson say that legalizing gay marriage would lead to legalizing bestiality? I hate it when that guy's right—except when it has to do with weed.

Nostrildamus December 17, 2012 at 2:46 am

Dude doodled Doodle.

Wile E. Quixote December 17, 2012 at 3:07 am

Man things have gone downhill. Sure, this sort of thing used to happen on the set of Mr. Ed, but they kept it out of the media.

dennis1943 December 17, 2012 at 8:15 pm

My reliable source was a 50 year old female co-worker………..that conversation was 35 years ago and i do not recollect how we got on the subject…..

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