Totally asking for itA council on judicial performance has gone and admonished this old Orange County, California, judge, just because he went and said that a woman’s rape — at the hands of an ex-boyfriend/concurrent stalker armed with a “heated screwdriver” and threatening to mutilate her face and vagina with it — was “technical,” and wasn’t “a real live criminal case.” Of course the judicial council is based in San Francisco, because the gay lesbian communists on it also took offense at this:

“I’m not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something,” the judge said, according to documents released Thursday. “If someone doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down. The body will not permit that to happen unless a lot of damage in inflicted, and we heard nothing about that in this case.

“That tells me that the victim in this case, although she wasn’t necessarily willing, she didn’t put up a fight.”.

That’s right ladies. When someone is holding a heated screwdriver against your face and/or vag, you MAKE HIM USE IT. By all means do not shut your eyes and think of England, or try to relax your body so there is not more damage than necessary, because damage is necessary, or you are a common whore. It is called logic, and we know women are not “good” at it (or spatial reasoning), but you could at least try.

How could anyone get admonished for talking such common sense? Fucking feminazis. Hold strong, Orange County Superior Court judge Derek G. Johnson. You’ve got a friend in Jesus. And probably the NRSC.

UPDATE: The commission said they only found out about Judge Johnson’s comments this May, but our old colleague Moxley had the story at the time.


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  • EatsBabyDingos

    He was just akin to put that in an opinion.

    • So you think this judge was waiting for Mourdock-et cases in order to slip it in?

  • Tundra Grifter

    Is that Sabine, Texas?

    • Oblios_Cap

      good eye!

    • eggsacklywright

      Well, I swan.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      That's why I love the Wonkette. People can put their Art History degrees to good use.

      • Oblios_Cap

        No Art History degree here .My Roman eye recognized that picture due to my taking 4 years of Latin in high school.

      • eggsacklywright

        I'm still waiting for the opportunity to remark on the next thread that concerns ethnomusicology.

      • Lit Major Libel!!

    • It is a well known fact that the Sabian women were whores.

      Source: FOX and Friends.

  • dadanarchistmk2

    Has he described his sanction as "just like raping justice and freedom" yet? Because he probably will at some point.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      I'll gladly apply a heated screwdriver to his judicial seat.

      • zerosumgame0005

        an electric drill with a 2 inch wood bit…

    • Toomush_Infer

      It had better be a dry subject…

  • Oblios_Cap

    If someone doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down. The body will not permit that to happen unless a lot of damage in inflicted, and we heard nothing about that in this case.

    Judges are Juris Doctors, aren't they? Is that because of their advanced medical training? And is this judge on the Akin's Diet?

    • Diferro_Biga

      Doctor, judge, politician, scientist…whats the difference anyway? Its not like you need to "know" anything before you make decisions that actually affect people's lives.

      All that book learn' and critical thunk is just a waste of time.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “I’m not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something,” the judge said, "I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "We'll keep the screwdrivers hot for ya." Oh, wait.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well, I'm not a professional pugilist, but I'd still like to technically punch this dipshit in the throat.

      (In an officially sanctioned bout, regulation ring, Marquis de Queensberry rules.)

    • drbill0620

      Correct, judge – you are not a gyn.

      You are, however, an a-hole…

  • prommie

    This contradicts Tex Antoine's advice to just lay back and enjoy the inevitable.

    Which fucking one is it, stupid old sexist fucks? What is it you want the ladies to do? Put up a fight, resist to the death, or lay back and enjoy it? Talk about sending mixed signals.

    • docterry6973

      A woman should do whatever it is that will allow the nearest male to blame her for being raped.

      • bikerlaureate

        Bad decisions strike again.

      • She was jus' askin' fer it. Th' aspirin fell out.

    • James Michael Curley

      I actually saw that. It was especially bad news in that the preceding story was about a pre-teen girl.

    • Fuck Toad

      "If a woman is raped, she should go to her owner (husband and/or father) and have him take care of it the old fashioned way. No need to get the courts involved. Plus she probably liked it anyway. *hawk* *ptui*"

      — the GOP platform, probably

  • hagajim

    Holy hell! Reading this makes me long for some Akin. Do old people just get stupid – or is there some specific disease that is addling the elderly?

    • James Michael Curley

      It is more of a syndrome which usually manifests when that thirty something slacker moves into the basement.

    • Mittaplasia

      Don't blame the olds. When it comes to willful ignorance, he built that.

  • noodlesalad

    "I'm not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something" – at this point, the brain should just shut the whole talking thing down, but yet it doesn't.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Apparently the truism that anyone who opens a statement with the phrase "I'm not a racist, but…" is actually a racist doesn't have a corollary in re gynecology.

      • noodlesalad

        Now a not-racist, not-gynecologist would have some really interesting observations. Particularly if s/he was not a homophobe. (Who am I kidding, it's a he. Women aren't this dumb).

  • CrunchyKnee

    Orange county is in Mississippi right?

    • Terry

      The Mississippi State motto is "Thank God for Orange County…and Ohio"

    • Callyson

      Don't we wish…

  • eggsacklywright

    Jesus Fucking Christ. As if Orly wasn't proof already, one can get through law school while absolutely stupid.

    • Tequila Mockingbird

      The good judge was clearly being assaulted by reason – and therefore his brain shut down.

    • Or Glenn Reynolds. Or Ann Althouse. Or that asshole who runs Legal "Incorrect"ion…

    • drbill0620

      He/s not fit to clean Orly's teeth – but then, neither is she…

      Both are corn holes…

  • Barbara_

    Close your eyes and think of England?
    It's just a warm and toasty Prince Phillips-head and not a hot piece of metal in my royal tool box.

    And gentlemen, when you do this to us, don't think of it as our cutting your dick off while you nap. Just think of it as a game of "got your nose" gone horrible awry.

  • Goonemeritus

    I think the learned Justice should volunteer to determine if similar protections are available to orifices in male rape victims.

    • emmelemm

      I think we can be pretty sure babby won't be formed.

  • Lady Justice should kneecap that old toad with her scales.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Scales? I thought she carried a sword in some depictions. OFF WITH HIS EMPTY HEAD

  • Sue4466

    I've tried really hard, but I can't find any snark on this. This fucker is still on the bench.

  • edgydrifter

    I'm not a psychiatrist but I can tell you this guy is a damned imbecile.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Maybe her body was being all Kayne West – "Imma let you finish, but this shit ain't right"?

  • Botlrokit

    That, right there, is a vagina expert.

  • Beowoof

    Even stupid people can become judges. Really stupid, people can get to the Supreme Court, Antonin and Clarence I am looking at you.

  • “I’m not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something,” the judge said, according to documents released Thursday. “If someone doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down."

    I'm not a gynecologist either, but I've played one in various straight-to-DVD films and even I can assure you this judge is full of shit.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Hey, I think I've seen some of your work!

      • I was nominated for an AVN for my work in Faptastic Voyage

    • Terry

      Did those films have bad, 70's style, jazz sound tracks?

      • British, yes.

        How did you know?

  • “That tells me that the victim in this case, although she wasn’t necessarily willing, she didn’t put up a fight.”

    At least hit him with your big iron skillet! If there are no frying pans involved, you want it. Very simple.

    • But that would make the rapist the victim!

    • sundaytrucker

      If she put up a fight that would just mean she was being a tease.

  • DixvilleCrotch

    The body has a way of shutting down when mutilated with a heated screwdriver. I.e. dying, probably.

    • drbill0620

      Beyond stupid – way beyond stupid

  • Lot_49

    In defense of the monster rapist, it is a bit hard to imagine the scene of the crime. "Now stand over there, bitch, while I hold this #2 Philips screwdriver over the left front burner of the stove. Hey, which one of these knobs turns it on?"

    • Where would she go? Maybe she's tried to run away before, and gotten clobbered worse for it? Maybe she can't drive, or she's new to the area and has few friends whom she trusts?

      That's the key part: the shame of being beaten by a husband or boyfriend is self-reinforcing and prevents her from seeking help.

      • Lot_49

        Of course. Just thought there might be a little laugh here, but was probably wrong.

        • My error, in that case. I'm coming down with something and having a devil of a time focusing closely.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Previously OT. [did not know that…..]


      1885–90; < French, orig. brou, ha, ha! exclamation used by characters representing the devil in the 16th-cent. drama; perhaps < Hebrew, distortion of the recited phrase bārūkh habbā ( beshēm ădhōnai ) “blessed is he who comes (in the name of the Lord)” (Ps. 118:26) </i>

      • Brouhaha?


        • Lot_49

          "Come in out of the cornstarch and dry your mukluks by the cellophane."

          • Are those my cues?

          • eggsacklywright

            Foley libel!

          • And here I split a key with the sounds effects man!

      • Is that you, Melanie… er, Audrey… Susan… Betty Jo?


  • Judge Derpp.

  • docterry6973

    Another conservative expert on how the female body can shut the whole thing down. A real scientist.

    I can suggest some self-experiments he could try with a heated screwdriver. For science.

    • Terry

      This is the logical outcome of the fundies "fixing" science education.

  • LibrarianX

    What do women know about rape, anyway?

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Sweet zombie Jesus, what century are we living in?! Speaking as a proud owner of ladyparts, this bullshit has got to stop.

    • How did you come about owning lady parts? Did you buy them or lease?

      I'm in the market, you might say.

      • Dr_Zoidberg

        I came by them naturally – I was born with them! But I could set you up with a supplier I know.

        • Not that Jame Gumb guy again…

        • HistoriCat

          You have a supplier? I assume these are "gently used" parts.

  • Wilcoxyz

    If only the laws were written down somewhere or there were other cases that could help this judge figure out what to do. Instead he's slobbering over the used gyno textbooks (Hustler mags) he collects.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    "I'm not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something…"

    Stop right there, man. Just full stop.

    If your "opinion" begins with a sentence that would appear on a joke T-shirt that college kids buy in Miami on spring break, then you need to shut the fuck up and reexamine.

    • glasspusher

      I'd settle for him shutting the fuck up, and maybe retiring from the bench.

    • Shirt seen on hot girl at pride parade: "I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look"

  • Heated screwdriver

    See now, I've wondered for some time if this whole Dr. Who craze wasn't getting out of hand.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I think my Christmas shopping is done!

    • CommieLibunatic

      It does everything else, so I wouldn't be surprised if it had an "orgasm" setting somewhere between "unlock forcefield door" and "actually drive screws."

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Why are there so many people in positions of authority who have no fucking idea how the human female body works?

    • glasspusher

      Because they're channeling their frustration of not being able to get near a woman's body by getting into positions of authority? It truly boggles my mind.

    • Because we're too busy having great sex to serve.

    • kakotechnia

      They all have merit badges in amateur gynecology.

      • Football match tomorrow noon against the Long John Silver Impersonators. Don't be late!

    • JohnyEdge

      They're men. Duh!

  • Mittaplasia

    I hope his wife, er, blow-up doll has vagina dentata.

    • TootsStansbury

      We should all mail him the Wonkette panties!

  • Shypixel

    Rape is the new black.

  • gullywompr

    Was she carrying a gun? No? Then she didn't take the proper steps to defend herself. Case dismissed.

  • freakishlywrong

    Gross rapey old goat. Jesus.

  • DahBoner

    I'm not a gynocologist, but…


    • CommieLibunatic

      "Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day. Screaming."

  • TootsStansbury

    Shouldn't this Judge be de-benched or dis-robed or whatever?

  • So is Orange County Superior Court judge Derek G. Johnson's side job as a scoutmaster or a priest?

  • decentcitizen

    What this Judge needs is some sweet Bubba to crank the Judge's arm behind his back and become "familiar". I am sure his body has a way of shutting that whole thing down.

  • glasspusher

    Your move, Central Valley…

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I think that judge is asking for it if you know what I mean.

  • BlueStateLibel

    “If someone doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down." WTF? Is he trying to say rape victims go into a coma before they're raped?

  • A judge said those things? On the record? A college-educated human with power over people's lives said those things?

    It is far too early in the day for me to have reached my outrage quotient.

    • rickmaci

      It's Orange County, or more truthfully Orange GOTeaP county. The only coastal country in California that did not go for President Obama. What can I say except the demographics there are changing too and soon, about the same time Texas goes blue, so will the OC.

  • sullivanst

    Ironic thing is, when Claytie Williams was busy gifting the Texas Governors race to Ann Richards, this asshat probably was thinking "Right on, man, she really might as well enjoy it"

  • To know how the vagina works you have to have dealt with one or two. Up close and personal. Know what I'm sayin'?

  • kakotechnia

    "I'm not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something" basically sums up the entire Republican platform.

    • CommieLibunatic

      "I'm not a gynecologist, but I will tell you something"

      *dusts off his hands* Fixed.

  • christianmuslin

    Now, if only I could find the page from my old high school biology book that talks about a woman's body shuting down in the event of attempted rape, maybe I could find the paragraph that talks about how my man parts also would shut down if I attempted to rape someone. This would save us all the trouble of ever having to worry about judges hearing these impossible situations in the first place.

  • mavenmaven

    I think a good rule for success in life is that if you are about to make any kind of statement that begins with "I’m not a gynecologist, but…", shut up quickly.

  • LibertyLover

    This bozo judge also said this: that the "worth" of this rape was only "worth" 6 years in prison instead of 16 years in prison.

    I didn't realize that rape came in degrees of rape.

  • Serolf_Divad

    WTF… no, let me spell it out WHAT THE FUCK?

    I mean, was this guy lost at sea for the past 4 months, and rescued just in time to preside over this case?

  • StarsUponThars

    Voice your opinion on whether this shithead should continue to warm a judicial bench:

    California Commission on Judicial Performance
    455 Golden Gate Avenue, Suite 14400
    San Francisco, CA 94102
    Telephone: (415) 557-1200
    FAX: (415) 557-1266

    • mormos

      done, and thank you.

    • calliecallie

      They only accept comments in writing. Good. This will give me something satisfying to do on a Friday afternoon at work.

  • kittensdontlie

    Why should men be penalized if their natural instincts are to stalk, hunt, kill, and build things with screws?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    As a male of the same species as the judge (assumption) I am completely at a loss to explain how someone can go through life being that stupid. How the hell can he go through all of the education (another assumption) necessary to be a judge and still remain non-empathetic fool? HOW?????

  • glasspusher

    It's going to come as a shock to my friend with the master's in mechanical engineering that she's not good at spatial reasoning. Wait, what?

  • notanncoulter

    Oh for fuck's sake where have all these cavemen been hiding for the past ten-fucking-thousand-fucking years?!
    I really used to love reading WONKETTE because it made me laugh at the insanity… it now makes me angry and I don't like being the angry guy.
    Can someone please "hipmotyze" me so I think I'm someplace else?
    I don't think I want to be here anymore.
    So… Please?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Okay, you're a frog…better?…

      • notanncoulter

        Can you make that a toad… it would make licking myself more rewarding and give me an excuse other than, you know, just licking myself because I can…

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Chopin – Complete Mazurkas

      • notanncoulter

        That does help… thanks much!
        I think I might try some Erik Satie – it has a drug-like effect on me…

  • Close_Read

    Bozo Judge probably looking forward to traveling to San Francisco for his appeal, because highway rest stops on the I5 have the best bathrooms.

  • sundaytrucker

    Dont most harlequin romances involve a stalker with a heated screwdriver?

  • mormos

    sounds like a "technical" asshat… oh wait, that's the same thing as a regular asshat.

  • JustPixelz

    Roshoman in the O.C.

    She: "He held a heated screwdriver to my face and said he'd burn my face and genitals if I didn't cooperate."

    He: "All I did was grab my crotch and said 'Hey baby, I gotta hot screwdriver for ya right here! Badda bing. Chicks love that kinda thing."

    Judge: "As the defendant explained in chambers. 'Hey judge, I have a heated screwdriver and I'll burn your face and genitals if you don't cooperate. Also I'm not a gynecologist. "

  • glasspusher

    OT, but WTF? A gunman in a grade school in Connecticut? So very sad.

  • HarryButtle

    How 'bout a Fresca?

    Jeezus jumping Christ on a skillet! How can ANY human be this fucking stoopid? And it would be bad enough if he was some doddering old fool in a nursing home, but he's a fucking judge! ARGH!

  • jello_mold

    Today we are all gay lesbian communists.

  • OT: Jim Treacher is without a doubt the single stupidest living room gibbon on the planet. Go check out his Twitter feed. He's getting his ass handed to him, and not just by yours truly.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Also I'm not a gynecologist. Okay, I am not a licensed gynecologist. Any takers? I have vodka hands, if ya know what I mean.

    • Numb and icy?

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Shaking. Not stirred.

  • Lizzietish81

    My vagina acts like Gaia's when a man tries to impregnate me one of the children he shoved back up there cuts his dick off.

    this has led to sea foam forming a goddess of love a couple of times

    • *crossing Lizzie off the list*

  • Callyson


    California judges may be removed in one of three ways:

    Judges may be impeached by the assembly and convicted by two thirds of the senate.

    Judges are subject to recall election.

    The commission on judicial performance investigates complaints of judicial misconduct and incapacity and may privately admonish, suspend, censure, retire, or remove a judge. The commission's decisions are subject to review by the supreme court.

    Any of these three methods works for me…


  • Lizzietish81

    "Its ok, I'm a doctor…well I'm a gynecologist, but I'm on my lunch break."

  • CommieLibunatic

    Holy fuck. There's gotta be tentacle monsters out there more sensitive than this piece of human waste.

  • calliecallie

    The trial where he said this was in 2008. According to the article, the commission did not learn of the judge’s remarks until May 2012. And they only just now go around to reprimanding him? I know the court systems are overloaded, but Jesus, what the hell?

    He gave the guy a six year sentence. Hope some helpful felon near his prison cell has helped him understand why there is no such thing as legitimate or even technical rape. Hope also that the poor woman has moved to a new state by now, because he'll be out in two years.

  • jello_mold

    It's a refreshing that the panel voted to admonish him 10-0. If only admonish = get this bastard off the bench.

  • Close_Read

    Anyone who can ace the Crazy-Uncle-at-Thanksgiving test should not be allowed on the bench.

  • LibertyLover

    My husband says this all the time: “I’m not a gynecologist…but I will be happy to take a look."

  • wanna bet ole judge holden here has some kiddie porn or equally unsavory vice in his background.

  • rickmaci

    His 6 year term is up in 2014. In 2008 he ran unopposed. You can bet that won't happen again.

  • jethrotoll

    I'm not a gynecologist — just a plainspoken judge who's raped a bunch of people.

  • ttommyunger

    Apparently common sense and human empathy have a way of shutting down when some people ascend to the Bench.

  • Negropolis

    Excuse me, but WTF? They are STILL using that "the body shuts down" pseudo-science? I thought we'd laughed these people into non-existence when Todd Akin pulled this shit.

  • The story says that the judge was rebuked. Personally, I'd like a few more specifics than that. Rebuked. Is that code for a slap on the wrist? A stern talking to? Perhaps something a little more concrete? They probably just told him to duck until the next news cycle.

    OK, I just read the PDF of his "public admonishment". Slap on the wrist it is, then.

    To me, this makes every one of his rulings suspect.

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