because we say so

Get Well Soon, Jerry Brown!

Mmm, big black micABC News reports that California Governor Jerry Brown is undergoing treatment for prostate cancer, OH NO! News of Governor Brown’s illness came courtesy of an ABC News alert right to our inbox (VIP Y’ALL), and was under stories about Chris Christie being fat, Hillary Clinton being too old in 2016 to run (your Wonkette is afraid that this is so, same goes for our much-loved Old Handsome Joe Biden, as he has “Old” right there in his name), and Hillary Clinton’s hair. Let’s read about Hillary Clinton’s hair some, shall we?

From Dana Hughes report – “It’s longer than it has been previously, and that, Clinton told Walters, is by design. “I do not travel with any hairdresser, or anybody, to help me do that, and I’m not very competent myself. I’ve been admitting that for years, which should be obvious to everyone,” Clinton joked. “And so it became simpler to just grow it so that I can pull it back, and I can stick rollers in,” said Clinton calling the conversation “girl talk” between her and Walters.

Rather than being annoyed by all the talk about her hair and appearance Clinton said she finds it amusing. “It’s fascinating to me how people are so curious about it. Because after a while, it just got to be really burdensome to try to find a hairdresser in some city, somewhere, oftentimes not being able to speak English, that at least I could communicate with,” she told Walters. “So, I said enough, we’re just going to try to go with as simple as possible.”

Shut the fuck up, ABC News.

ANYWAY, California old man governor Brown, who is much loved in our Golden Dream by the Sea (vomit) for being sort of an older, in-shape version of crotchety New Jersey gov Chris Christie, except with a ton of interesting ideas and not yelling at teachers, is having some localized radiation treatments and should be in ship-shape shape before you know it, because that is just how it is going to be.

Sorry hot piece Gavin Newsom, you will stay lieutenant governor forever because Ol’ Moonbeam is not going nowhere no how.


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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  1. hagajim

    Hillary's hair is news…good God how far we've fallen. Hopefully Jerry didn't get his cancer from Moonbeams being shot outta his butt back in the day.

  2. noodlesalad

    I must have missed the ABC News expose on Mitt Romney's hairdressing ensemble and how they kept him looking like a well-oiled skunk regardless of the time of day or location throughout the campaign. I'm sure that article was written, right? Because librul bias.

    PS Get better soon, Jerry.

    1. PubOption

      Someone needs to find out why he had the gray stripe at the back of his neck. Were they afraid the dye would rub off on his collar?

    2. Lizzietish81

      Well there was a lot of press about his use of fake tan…to appear darker for Hispanics in a shameless attempt to appear more like one of them.

      1. noodlesalad

        Really? I mean, there were some jokes about that on the Daily Show and here, but did that really get out into the "Mainstream Librul" Media? I don't think so.

      2. James Michael Curley

        That was when I knew he lost the election. Thus I went to bed early on election night. Also, Hurricane Sandy and day 8 of 12 with no lights, heat, hot water or gas. (Actually we had a lot of gas from eating up all the frozen burritos before they went bad.)

  3. orygoon

    People who were around when I was young keep getting sick, or worse. I know what that means (to me, which is the whole point, at least most of the time)–"out of the batter's box, up at the plate!"

  4. Goonemeritus

    It’s not easy to live up to Wonkette’s ideal of sexual vigor for every 70 year old male politician.

  5. JackDempsey1

    I thought our stated policy is that we have our hair fixed here so we don't have to have our hair fixed over there. Or is this another sensible foreign policy that we have abandoned because it belongs to George Bush?

    1. Secluded Compound

      I don't know, I envision myself being pretty much like Sam the Eagle when I'm old, and I'm a pinko.

      Just sayin', nobody likes all those stupid teenager rats running around the hallway.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      A lot of guys who did drugs 50 or 60 years ago are having trouble with their/our prostates – this is why marihuana is so dangerous!!!! We need to shoot drug users, not decriminilize them/us!!!!

  6. Barbara_

    On the other hand, GOP politicians never get prostate cancer. All that time spent with their heads up their asses is the best means of early detection.

    Get well Jerry!

  7. Lot_49

    Aside from death if it isn't successful, the only potentially bad side effects from prostate surgery are incontinence and impotence, so not to worry. Jerry will sign bills on the crapper if need be, one can be sure.

    1. Steverino247

      I once heard him say he had a landline installed in the bathroom, so there is no "rest" in the restroom for Jerry.

    1. chicken_thief

      After hearing she'd been Riced, all the conservatard cocks shrivelled in sure embarrassment so they moved on. They're back to fapping over Miss Lindsey's moobs.

  8. Smithboy

    And while we're on the subject…not really….three more soldiers died this week for nothing in that drug infested third century goat farm known as Afghanistan. What the hell did the Taliban, who poses no threat to our country, ever do to us that we are willing to sacrifice our soldiers and spend over a half trillion dollars to defeat? Oh, almost forgot. Lots of war profiteers are raking it in by supplying fuel to the tune of $400 per gallon to our military.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    "I can stick rollers in,”

    For some reason, now I've got this mental image of Hilz in a terrycloth robe, fuzzy bunny slippers, hair in curlers, sitting on the crapper with a ciggy hanging on her lip.

    1. Lizzietish81

      She's got a cell phone in the other hand, yelling at some right wing asshole who is trying to shut her out or something.

  10. TaggWatchesYou

    Under the article on Hillary Clinton's hair, you can read about John Boehner's tanning booth faux pas followed by tips from Paul Ryan on how to get those killer abs you've always dreamed of. The email is rounded off by Lindsey Graham's tips for how to make your man go wild.

  11. Close_Read

    Jerry Brown's nads will survive us all, and their owner will run for governor again in another thirty years.

  12. HRH_Maddie

    Remember when Barbara Walters asked Mitt Romney about his hair do? ME NEITHER. Barbara WaWa has outlived her usefulness.

    1. shelwood46

      Well, she did ask Chris Christie if he is too fat to be president, so she does know how to be offensive to men and/or Republicans, also too.

      1. HRH_Maddie

        I'm sure I'm about to open a Pandora's Box here, but I think that's a legitimate question. "Are you so fat that your heart could give out and make your VP the President thus throwing the chain of succession into a tizzy."

  13. SayItWithWookies

    I'm not surprised Jerry Brown has prostate cancer — didn't he spend about twenty years soaking in a bathtub full of formaldehyde after his first stint as governor before he decided to reignite his political career? That can't be good for you in the long term.

  14. Pragmatist2

    Mitt should have tried the same thing as Hillary. Big ponytail instead of having to get coiffed each morning. Probably would have captured the Youth vote.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    When I was young, they didn't put pictures of politicians on the cover of Penthouse magazine. I guess that's why you don't see Penthouse magazine anymore?

  16. Biff

    The librul media did waste a lot of time on John Edward's perfectly coiffed 'do, and the cost to maintain it, so perfectly fair.

      1. Secluded Compound

        Libruls = fancy men = women.

        Doesn't happen to your Thune or Rubio, because, duh, real men.

        So in a sense it's sexist even when they do it to the men because it's meant to make the men look more womanly, i.e., less worthy.

        I graduated from Jezebel U.

  17. christianmuslin

    The Wonkette Style and Sports Sections. After Ryan and his abs does it feature Barbara Mikulski and Chris Christie in Atlantic Ocean swimwear?. Even the thought makes me want to reach for the eye bleech.

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