BECAUSE WE SAY SO  11:22 am December 13, 2012

Get Well Soon, Jerry Brown!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Mmm, big black micABC News reports that California Governor Jerry Brown is undergoing treatment for prostate cancer, OH NO! News of Governor Brown’s illness came courtesy of an ABC News alert right to our inbox (VIP Y’ALL), and was under stories about Chris Christie being fat, Hillary Clinton being too old in 2016 to run (your Wonkette is afraid that this is so, same goes for our much-loved Old Handsome Joe Biden, as he has “Old” right there in his name), and Hillary Clinton’s hair. Let’s read about Hillary Clinton’s hair some, shall we?

From Dana Hughes report – “It’s longer than it has been previously, and that, Clinton told Walters, is by design. “I do not travel with any hairdresser, or anybody, to help me do that, and I’m not very competent myself. I’ve been admitting that for years, which should be obvious to everyone,” Clinton joked. “And so it became simpler to just grow it so that I can pull it back, and I can stick rollers in,” said Clinton calling the conversation “girl talk” between her and Walters.

Rather than being annoyed by all the talk about her hair and appearance Clinton said she finds it amusing. “It’s fascinating to me how people are so curious about it. Because after a while, it just got to be really burdensome to try to find a hairdresser in some city, somewhere, oftentimes not being able to speak English, that at least I could communicate with,” she told Walters. “So, I said enough, we’re just going to try to go with as simple as possible.”

Shut the fuck up, ABC News.

ANYWAY, California old man governor Brown, who is much loved in our Golden Dream by the Sea (vomit) for being sort of an older, in-shape version of crotchety New Jersey gov Chris Christie, except with a ton of interesting ideas and not yelling at teachers, is having some localized radiation treatments and should be in ship-shape shape before you know it, because that is just how it is going to be.

Sorry hot piece Gavin Newsom, you will stay lieutenant governor forever because Ol’ Moonbeam is not going nowhere no how.

[ABC]

 
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{ 91 comments }

nounverb911 December 13, 2012 at 11:24 am

I loved it when he sang duets with Linda Ronstadt.

Feel better soon Governor Moonbeam.

PubOption December 13, 2012 at 11:30 am

It sounds like Jerry has recently had other things to do at night.

hagajim December 13, 2012 at 11:25 am

Hillary's hair is news…good God how far we've fallen. Hopefully Jerry didn't get his cancer from Moonbeams being shot outta his butt back in the day.

noodlesalad December 13, 2012 at 11:26 am

I must have missed the ABC News expose on Mitt Romney's hairdressing ensemble and how they kept him looking like a well-oiled skunk regardless of the time of day or location throughout the campaign. I'm sure that article was written, right? Because librul bias.

PS Get better soon, Jerry.

PubOption December 13, 2012 at 11:33 am

Someone needs to find out why he had the gray stripe at the back of his neck. Were they afraid the dye would rub off on his collar?

Lizzietish81 December 13, 2012 at 11:38 am

that was his access port

nounverb911 December 13, 2012 at 11:33 am

Is Mitt's hair the reason oil prices spiked over the summer?

Lizzietish81 December 13, 2012 at 11:34 am

Well there was a lot of press about his use of fake tan…to appear darker for Hispanics in a shameless attempt to appear more like one of them.

noodlesalad December 13, 2012 at 11:40 am

Really? I mean, there were some jokes about that on the Daily Show and here, but did that really get out into the "Mainstream Librul" Media? I don't think so.

Lizzietish81 December 13, 2012 at 11:51 am

Now that you mention it, I only saw on Gothamist really.

commiegirl99 December 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm

WE BROKE THAT STORY.

James Michael Curley December 13, 2012 at 11:41 am

That was when I knew he lost the election. Thus I went to bed early on election night. Also, Hurricane Sandy and day 8 of 12 with no lights, heat, hot water or gas. (Actually we had a lot of gas from eating up all the frozen burritos before they went bad.)

Sharkey December 13, 2012 at 11:26 am

But Barbara Walters' hair is far more interesting.

AddHomonym December 13, 2012 at 11:29 am

Ask me about my hair!

Sharkey December 13, 2012 at 11:31 am

Because "girl talk"!

orygoon December 13, 2012 at 11:31 am

People who were around when I was young keep getting sick, or worse. I know what that means (to me, which is the whole point, at least most of the time)–"out of the batter's box, up at the plate!"

Goonemeritus December 13, 2012 at 11:32 am

It’s not easy to live up to Wonkette’s ideal of sexual vigor for every 70 year old male politician.

sundaytrucker December 13, 2012 at 11:33 am

I think I masturbated to that article on the next vietnam

JackDempsey1 December 13, 2012 at 11:33 am

I thought our stated policy is that we have our hair fixed here so we don't have to have our hair fixed over there. Or is this another sensible foreign policy that we have abandoned because it belongs to George Bush?

Mumbletypeg December 13, 2012 at 11:33 am

Gov. Brown needs to order up a lunch date with George Takei, stat. Laughter is the best medicine.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 11:33 am

Hope he took a lesson from Frank Zappa. Early detection, prostate people!

Steverino247 December 13, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Do the (finger) wave!

freakishlywrong December 13, 2012 at 11:34 am

Nobody asks Nancy about HER hair, amirite?
Get better Jerry. Old school is good school.

fuflans December 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm

so true. old school dems are WAYYYY better at taking on the right.

smellypossum December 13, 2012 at 11:34 am

Slightly OT: I love me some Sam the Eagle, even though I suspect he may be a republitard.

James Michael Curley December 13, 2012 at 11:43 am

He's definitely a Republican also probably gay and a mean top.

mrpuma2u December 13, 2012 at 11:47 am

Yeah ol Jim Henson had the neocons pegged from wayback.

Secluded Compound December 13, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I don't know, I envision myself being pretty much like Sam the Eagle when I'm old, and I'm a pinko.

Just sayin', nobody likes all those stupid teenager rats running around the hallway.

Blueb4sinrise December 13, 2012 at 11:35 am

Rumor: Jerry Brown for Secretary of State.

nounverb911 December 13, 2012 at 11:35 am

I don't remember, did Baba Wawa ever ask Condominium Rice why she parted her teeth in the middle?

chicken_thief December 13, 2012 at 11:59 am

Dubya hated it when she didn't part the teeth, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

MegPasadena December 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm

No, that would be totally racist!
Oh, I thought you meant her hair. Never mind.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 11:35 am

Whatever became of George Bush's Secret War in Peru?

Ruhe December 13, 2012 at 11:39 am

Sadam Hussein.

James Michael Curley December 13, 2012 at 11:44 am

They (Bush I and II) bought Peru.

Biff December 13, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I think he won ALL the marching powder.

doloras December 13, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Chairman Gonzalo is still in jail, I think.

Sharkey December 13, 2012 at 11:36 am

He needs medical marijuana, not radiation.

James Michael Curley December 13, 2012 at 11:45 am

Even a good sized blunt shoved up all the way to the prostate won't solve the problem.

Toomush_Infer December 13, 2012 at 12:20 pm

A lot of guys who did drugs 50 or 60 years ago are having trouble with their/our prostates – this is why marihuana is so dangerous!!!! We need to shoot drug users, not decriminilize them/us!!!!

Barbara_ December 13, 2012 at 11:36 am

On the other hand, GOP politicians never get prostate cancer. All that time spent with their heads up their asses is the best means of early detection.

Get well Jerry!

AlterNewt December 13, 2012 at 11:37 am

Leave Jerry Brown ALONE!! You're lucky he even talks semi-coherently for you BASTARDS!!!1!!!.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 11:37 am

Hey, I remember that issue! They printed my letter in the Forum!!!

joobajooba December 13, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I bet you never believed you'd be writing to the Forum.

Lot_49 December 13, 2012 at 11:38 am

Aside from death if it isn't successful, the only potentially bad side effects from prostate surgery are incontinence and impotence, so not to worry. Jerry will sign bills on the crapper if need be, one can be sure.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 11:41 am

And fap when the "need" "arises?"

Lot_49 December 13, 2012 at 11:45 am

Which it won't, on account of Side Effect 2, as listed above. Prostate-specific antigen tests for all!

Steverino247 December 13, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I once heard him say he had a landline installed in the bathroom, so there is no "rest" in the restroom for Jerry.

Lot_49 December 13, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Goobernor Jerry's awesomeness is beyond dispute.

Lizzietish81 December 13, 2012 at 11:38 am

Didn't Hillary snap at a reporter for asking about her hair or clothes or something?

ChillBill December 13, 2012 at 11:41 am

She dick-slapped him.

ChillBill December 13, 2012 at 11:40 am

How come nobody talks about Sarah Palin's hair anymore? (or Sarah).

chicken_thief December 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm

After hearing she'd been Riced, all the conservatard cocks shrivelled in sure embarrassment so they moved on. They're back to fapping over Miss Lindsey's moobs.

Biff December 13, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Who?

ChillBill December 13, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Exactly.

fuflans December 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm

no one feels comfortable talking about ague victims.

RadioBitchFace December 13, 2012 at 11:42 am

Cancer is like the worst bad hair day evah.

Smithboy December 13, 2012 at 11:43 am

And while we're on the subject…not really….three more soldiers died this week for nothing in that drug infested third century goat farm known as Afghanistan. What the hell did the Taliban, who poses no threat to our country, ever do to us that we are willing to sacrifice our soldiers and spend over a half trillion dollars to defeat? Oh, almost forgot. Lots of war profiteers are raking it in by supplying fuel to the tune of $400 per gallon to our military.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 11:44 am

"I can stick rollers in,”

For some reason, now I've got this mental image of Hilz in a terrycloth robe, fuzzy bunny slippers, hair in curlers, sitting on the crapper with a ciggy hanging on her lip.

Lizzietish81 December 13, 2012 at 11:50 am

She's got a cell phone in the other hand, yelling at some right wing asshole who is trying to shut her out or something.

Biff December 13, 2012 at 12:07 pm

And you-know-who supplied her with the phone! INPEACH!!1!

TaggWatchesYou December 13, 2012 at 11:44 am

Under the article on Hillary Clinton's hair, you can read about John Boehner's tanning booth faux pas followed by tips from Paul Ryan on how to get those killer abs you've always dreamed of. The email is rounded off by Lindsey Graham's tips for how to make your man go wild.

MegPasadena December 13, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I want to know about Ron Paul's eyebrow toupee.

Gleem McShineys December 13, 2012 at 4:14 pm

No mention of Christine O'Donnell's crotch parachute. LIBRAL BIAS

Close_Read December 13, 2012 at 11:47 am

Jerry Brown's nads will survive us all, and their owner will run for governor again in another thirty years.

HRH_Maddie December 13, 2012 at 11:47 am

Remember when Barbara Walters asked Mitt Romney about his hair do? ME NEITHER. Barbara WaWa has outlived her usefulness.

shelwood46 December 13, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Well, she did ask Chris Christie if he is too fat to be president, so she does know how to be offensive to men and/or Republicans, also too.

HRH_Maddie December 13, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I'm sure I'm about to open a Pandora's Box here, but I think that's a legitimate question. "Are you so fat that your heart could give out and make your VP the President thus throwing the chain of succession into a tizzy."

DahBoner December 13, 2012 at 11:48 am

The field should be WIDE OPEN in 2024 after Hillary serves two terms…

GET WELL SOON GUVNUH MOONBEAM

Sharkey December 13, 2012 at 11:49 am

Why can't Ron Paul get prostate cancer?

Because he's anti-state.

Sharkey December 13, 2012 at 11:55 am

Why won't they let Jerry Brown on a plane?

Because he's a brown.

TootsStansbury December 13, 2012 at 11:53 am

Get well Gov. Moonbeam. The world needs people like you.

SayItWithWookies December 13, 2012 at 11:54 am

I'm not surprised Jerry Brown has prostate cancer — didn't he spend about twenty years soaking in a bathtub full of formaldehyde after his first stint as governor before he decided to reignite his political career? That can't be good for you in the long term.

Blueb4sinrise December 13, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Carbonite?

Pragmatist2 December 13, 2012 at 11:55 am

Mitt should have tried the same thing as Hillary. Big ponytail instead of having to get coiffed each morning. Probably would have captured the Youth vote.

chicken_thief December 13, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Mitt's hair is just the right length.

Secluded Compound December 13, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Just long enough to cover up the power switch.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm

When I was young, they didn't put pictures of politicians on the cover of Penthouse magazine. I guess that's why you don't see Penthouse magazine anymore?

sullivanst December 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Not a good week to be called Jerry Brown.

Biff December 13, 2012 at 12:09 pm

The librul media did waste a lot of time on John Edward's perfectly coiffed 'do, and the cost to maintain it, so perfectly fair.

BerkeleyBear December 13, 2012 at 12:35 pm

And Bill's haircuts, too, so equal time.

Secluded Compound December 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Libruls = fancy men = women.

Doesn't happen to your Thune or Rubio, because, duh, real men.

So in a sense it's sexist even when they do it to the men because it's meant to make the men look more womanly, i.e., less worthy.

I graduated from Jezebel U.

Callyson December 13, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Governor Moonbeam will be fine–Jerry Brown is a tough old bastard. Which is why we love him here.

christianmuslin December 13, 2012 at 12:50 pm

The Wonkette Style and Sports Sections. After Ryan and his abs does it feature Barbara Mikulski and Chris Christie in Atlantic Ocean swimwear?. Even the thought makes me want to reach for the eye bleech.

joobajooba December 13, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Is Hillary going to get fired for 'splaining her hair? Or does that only happen to black ladies?

sati_demise December 13, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Hey Jerry Brown, here is some advice for all you cancer patients:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZfWglJ2wmU&f

BZ1 December 13, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Someone once said it, "You're likable enough, Hillary."

fishwharf December 13, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Get well soon Governor. Keep us safe from that narcissistic twit Gavin Newsom. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_persona

HistoriCat December 13, 2012 at 12:07 pm

That's why I get all my news from Wonkette.

Lizzietish81 December 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm

And I wasn't frequenting here then.

noodlesalad December 13, 2012 at 1:11 pm

That's what I thought! PULITZERS NOW FOR EVERYONE.

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