A Wonkette Farewell To Joe Lieberman, With Traditional Advice Re: Door, Ass

  worst farewell concert tour ever

Lo, Wonkettians, the day you have either neither dreaded nor anticipated, but instead have felt a collective “meh?” about has finally arrived. Yes, the not-at-all-beloved Joe Lieberman, America’s droopiest senator, after announcing close to two years ago that he would leave the Senate after the 2012 elections, has thank god finally left the Senate. Let’s visit that not-even-remotely-fateful day when Droopy announced his leave-taking, complete with whining about how hard it is out there for a nonpartisan:

Along the way, I have not always fit comfortably into conventional political boxes—Democrat or Republican, liberal or conservative. I have always thought that my first responsibility is not to serve a political party but to serve my constituents, my state, and my country, and then to work across party lines to make sure good things get done for them. Whatever the partisan or policy differences that divide us, they are much less important than the shared values and dreams that unite us and that require us to work together to make progress for all. To me, that is what public service and leadership is all about.

Blah blah blah. Non-smokin’ Joe’s goodbye announcement also listed some of his grandchildren, but only those who were able to attend his retirement announcement. Screw you, other grandkids!

With neither heavy nor light heart, we listened to Joe’s farewell speech to the Senate yesterday (TOTAL LIE. We just read short articles about it because the Editrix does not pay us enough to listen to Joe Lieberman for 20 minutes. We’ve embedded the whole thing for you up top. Have at it, masochists.) Apparently none of his colleagues wanted to listen to Joe either:

With only a few of his Senate colleagues in attendance and the gallery sparsely filled, Mr. Lieberman, 70, expressed gratitude for the opportunity he had to serve, and then vividly recalled how much the world had changed since he was sworn in on Jan. 3, 1989.

Oh guess what he also yammered on again about being nonpartisan or bipartisan or something.

Now that Joe is shaking the dust from his feet and leaving the Senate, it is time for Wonkette to look back at his least boring moments NOW WITH PICTURES.

Remember when Joe ran for Vice-President and actually showed pleasant emotions? hello cleveland!

OK actually we are not sure if he is laughing or crying there, but nonetheless!! What about his exciting run for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2004? Admit it you do not remember that at all even a little bit. Let us refresh your memories: he invented his own catchphrase:

Writing off speculation that he may make a poor showing in New Hampshire and drop out of the race, Lieberman told CNN’s Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer that his campaign is picking up, as he put it, “Joementum.”

can you feel the excitement?

It wasn’t all sad panda for Joe, though. He found joy in his deep manlove for Republicans, all in the name of, you guessed it, bipartisanship. Who can forget his embrace, literal and figurative, of Dubya?

you must remember this

Or his deep, abiding, ongoing love for John McCain, a love that will transcend time:

i never knew love like this before

You know the rest, people. There was the decision to be an independent (BECAUSE HE GOT HIS ASS KICKED IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY BIPARTISANSHIP. PAY ATTENTION) and the endlessly boring, but ultimately victorious, run against Ned Lamont in 2006. There were the predictable attempts to threaten Democrats with defection:

What might get him to change his tune?: If the Dems seek to enforce party discipline (heavens forbid!) or if the GOP offeres to keep him as a committee chairman and respect his seniority.

Lieberman added: “I am going to Washington beholden to no political group except the people of Connecticut and, of course, my conscience.”

Joe’s finest moment (if by finest you mean “most pathetic attempt at attention-seeking relevance ever) was his thrilling aisle-crossing (BIPARTISAN 4EVER!) to support John McCain in the 2008 elections:

Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, a Democrat who ran as an independent last election after losing his primary re-election, endorsed Republican Sen. John McCain on Monday.

Lieberman, who ran for vice president in 2000 alongside Al Gore, said McCain possessed the greatest ability to break gridlock in Washington.

Yes, Joe was a tireless force for faux-bipartisanism, petulance, and drooping. His farewell has been endless and boring. We will not miss him, because we will probably not remember him after about a month or so.

[New York Times/Lieberman Senate Homepage]

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164 comments

    1. mormos

      I often wonder if Gore would have won without him, or if the supreme court hadn't exceeded its authority, or if Florida hadn't purged its voter roles, or if etc. etc… *sigh* sad panda…

    1. Lizzietish81

      He's still got McCain, even though he likes to role play that he's still in a war camp in Vietnam and Lindsey is his "Good cop"

      1. ButthurtWingers2012

        McCain does seem to have grown balls near his chin over the years…that's probably what attracted ole' fancy to him in the first place; they have so much in common.

  1. Barbara_

    Sorry that Sarah Palin got picked and you didn't, Joe. You clamped your lips to McCain's wrinkly old ass cheeks for NOTHING!

    1. Ruhe

      What are the chances that when Joe got the news from Walnuts, instead of reacting indignantly as McCain thought he would, Joe was all "Bro-like" and cool, just saying "dude, don't sweat it. She's hot. Obvious choice. No worries man." Yeah, that's probably how it went down.

    2. EdBradly7

      With only a few of his Senate colleagues in attendance and the gallery sparsely filled…………… There is a God!

    3. ButthurtWingers2012

      I'm not sorry…had McNasty picked Lieberman it would have been the most boring, non-compelling candidacy in American history (until Lieberman picks Ben Stein for 2016 that is)….giving us the grifter has been the comedy gift that keeps on giving…could ya'll imagine her giant bundle of stupid-crazy-sleazy-bitchy still penned up in Alaska? I mean, I have one word for you then: "starbursts" that is all

  2. Biel_ze_Bubba

    But Joe's famous for such legislative triumphs as … ummm … errr … yeaaaah.
    Joe who, did you say?

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Actually, his Big Idea was the unmanagable monlithic Department of Homeland Security. A D. Bachel.

      1. Negropolis

        Yeah, no shit. No, literally, no shit. His head would be so far up your ass you'd never have to clean it out, again.

    1. Lot_49

      Yer just sayin that cuz United Techmologies, which makes the many, many helicopters the military buys, is in Connecticut. But Vinegar Joe is a much more promiscuous whore than that since he created DHS and put himself on top of the oversight committee. Now every airport in America has many more federal employees thanks to Joe, and everybody owes him big time, plus the scanner manufacturers and luggage-content-tray manufacturers and gun makers who benefit from DHS pork distributions to local law enforcement.

      It's a beautiful thing. Why would he quit?

    1. vulpes82

      It's an insult to Palpatine to compare Joe Lieberman to him. Palpatine was an evil genius who executed an intricate and audacious plan for galactic domination over decades. Lieberman's just a Droopy Dog-looking motherfucker/pile of rate feces who got his fee-fees hurt whenever he wasn't being paid enough attention to.

      1. Negropolis

        I don't know. I've always got the feeling that Joe was Karl Rove in disguise. We won't know until the GOP has a coup.

  3. CindynEncinitas

    I've always been afraid that if I got too close to him he would stick to me. Le-bow, le-wow. That's who he reminds me of. Pepe LePew. Only without any secksy whatsoever.

      1. HRH_Maddie

        I'm thrilled. Obama (and the Senate) should have appointed her head of her Consumer Protection Bureau. Now, she'll have real power. Three cheers for Senator Warren!

    1. HogeyeGrex

      What about Franken? And I'll take Sherrod Brown over anyone else likely to warm that chair.

      As far as my own pair go, DiFi can choke on a bag of rat dicks, but Babs is usually a-ok.

      So yeah. 94 at best.

      1. SuspectedDemocrat

        And Ol' Droopy Dog never spent a year "researching" college sororities for his sexytime book.

  4. slithytoves

    We will not miss him, because we will probably not remember him after about a month or so.

    I had already forgotten him some time ago.

  5. Lizzietish81

    I have always thought that my first responsibility is not to serve a political party but to serve the Israelies, Israel and Israel

    Fixed that for you Joe

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Senator Joseph Lieberman, (D/R/I ed up, Jerusalem) today retired from doing nothing of value for the nation he allegedly agreed to represent. Bye, Joe. Bye, bye, bye. Just keep going.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    "how much the world had changed since he was sworn in on Jan. 3, 1989."

    …and how much he contributed to the further fucking up of said world since that date.

  7. Texan_Bulldog

    " I have always thought that my first responsibility is not to serve a political party but to serve my constituents, my state, and my country, …"

    Don't worry, Joe. Your constituents, state and country don't give a rat's ass about you. You can go to your pharma lobbying job (I presume) with a clean conscience.

    1. HistoriCat

      Insurance industry or Israel. Hmmm – they're both "I" terms. Probably not a coincidence for the most narcissistic member of the most narcissistic group in this country.

  8. SexySmurf

    OT Did anyone see my new favorite show, Amish Mafia, last night? Do not fuck with the Amish. They are some hardcore motherfuckers.

    1. mayor_quimby

      I saw it for 5 minutes, and got confused. They're allowed to drive cars if they are enforcers against heretics or something? Seemed like it was almost satirical. Should I give it a second chance?

      1. Negropolis

        Same thing happened to me. All of the cameras and the cars and aviator shades and cellphones and the use of English teenage slang gave me whiplash.

  9. freakishlywrong

    We will not miss him, because we will probably not remember him after about a month or so.

    Oh, Mon Chere', if only that were so. He'll be on every Sunday. On every show that Miz Pittypat or Grumpy Mc.Pantload is not.

    Thank God I don't watch that shit any more

    1. greenloner

      I love Calvin Trillin for many reasons, not the least of which is he calls the Sunday am shows the Sabbath Gasbags.

  10. Biel_ze_Bubba

    It must suck to realize that the next time his name appears in the NY Times, it'll probably be his obituary. That's what happens when you're "already dead" to liberals.

  11. Terry

    Lieberman, soon to be a massively overpaid lobbyist for the insurance industry. They've always written him checks, now they can do so more openly.

  12. JustPixelz

    As a resident of Connecticut, I'm happy he's leaving. Some days the Joementum made it hard to cross the street. Or maybe I'm just getting old so it's hard to walk around. Nah. It's the Joementum that slows me down.

  13. SorosBot

    Now who's gonna stand up for sending our military over to blow up shitloads of brown people for no reason?

  14. MC5

    Oh Jilted Joe, you were just as mediocre as your New Hampshire primary "three-way tie for third place" suggested.

  15. Goonemeritus

    With some people nostalgia helps us remember the good times and forget the bad. If I live 50 more years I suspect I will still reflexively say fuck him every time Senator Liebman’s name is mentioned.

  16. asterixaverni

    What is worse? Pictures of Joe or Ponies?

    Sweet baby jebus, what a choice. Ponies, I guess. At least they don't make me puke.

    Now that whiny-baby quit, he is coming back to CT. Can't some other state take him? Haven't we suffered enough? Isn't there some "think tank" that could pay him alotta money to stay the hell out of CT?

    Please, Santa Baby, keep Joe in DC!

  17. Graham Cracker

    I'd like to say we"ll miss ya, Joe… but there is no way I could say that with any kind of a straight face.

  18. Lizzietish81

    While we're looking at Joe's greatest hits, I have to wonder for the millionth time…why did Gore pick him as a running mate?

    1. Negropolis

      I think Gore wanted to differentiate himself as much from Clinton as possible.

      I actually wished they would have won, because it'd have neutralized Joe for the rest of his career, and there is no way in hell he'd have won a presidential nomination.

  19. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Why is that one old man kissing and holding hands with all those other old men? I think someone took my wonkette and replaced it with gross old dude gay porn.

  20. Tundra Grifter

    "Nonpartisan?" Is that what he calls it?

    Poor Joe's finger is chapped from checking which way the wind is blowing every five minutes.

  21. lulzmonger

    How very sad … I thought for sure the gimlet-eyed little fucker was already Purina Worm Chow by now.

    Not checking out his swan song ,,, I don't want to spoil this magic moment.

  22. sundaytrucker

    Only in Washington could a man of almost pathological selfishness be regarded as a bi-partisan role-model. See-ya Joe and don't let door hit you in the ass unless there's something in it for you.

  23. malsperanza

    Joe Lieberman: inventor of the use of blackmail as a legislative negotiating technique. Thanks, Joe, that's quite a legacy!

  24. greenloner

    I find it heartwarming that so many of you here, the most respected commenters on the state of the world, appear to dislike, not to say abhor, Joe Lieberman even more than I do.

  25. actor212

    ♫ Half my life's in books' written pages
    Live and learn from fools and from sages
    You know it's true
    All the things you do, come back to you ♪

    Bye, shithead!

  26. dadanarchistmk2

    Obama should reward Senator Palpatine's long years of service and appoint him ambassador to Fucky-Fucky-You-Stan-Stan

  27. Mojopo

    Now we come to the end of a really and truly unremarkable career. He was involved with the following committees:

    Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs – Chairman, June 2001 (oops!)
    Environment and Public Works (Clean Air, Wetlands and Private Property) – oops, oops, oops, oops, and oops
    Blah blah, some more stuff he made NO positive impact on, blah blah blah…

    And he hated free speech. The end. Bye!

  28. weejee

    Huzzah, looks like the WordPress gang is back. Not sure what kinda pissing contest they were having with IntentsDebased.

    / dances off to fix a cup of coffee

  29. smellypossum

    Apologies in advance, but:

    There once was a wonk from Connecticut
    Who bore a resemblance to Marmaduke
    He once was a Dem
    Then decided, "I'm with THEM!"
    Soon retired to play hide and go fuck yourself.

    (struggled with the second line, but liked the Marmaduke reference so much I had to go with it…)

  30. carlgt1

    Since this right-wing asshat was VP candidate for the Dems, for balance Noam Chomsky should be VP next time?

  31. moseszd

    Let me fix that for you, Joe:

    I have always thought that my first responsibility is not to serve a political party but to serve Israel, Israel, and Israel, and then to work across party lines to make sure good things get done for Israel.

  32. glasspusher

    Late to the party here, but I just wanna say, in that pic with Gore, Joe's hair is the same color as his teeth(eyuck!), and Gore looks like Steve Jobs.

  33. Negropolis

    I always here his defenders yap about "well, he voted with us on most things" totally missing the fact that on many (maybe most?) of the most important issues in the last decade or two he didn't just vote his conscience, but went out of his way to be a dick about it. Truly, he ended up being a horrible senator and an example of everything that is wrong with the Senate and modern American politics. To call him a disappointment would be kind.

  34. dopper0189

    On a serious note why haven't more Democratically controlled states passes "sore (Joe) looser" laws? If a guy get's defeated in a party primary do we really want them to play spoiler?

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