KNOCK US OVER WITH A FEATHER  6:15 pm December 12, 2012

The Fairy Tale Crumbles: Tarp Palin Divorcing That Chick He Knocked Up

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

A love that burned too hot to lastWoe be this day, for the fairy tale romantic love of Sarah Palin’s eldest princeling son and his once-preggers bride have filed to dissolve their holiest shotgun union.

For reasons unknown, the TMZ post that broke this BREAKING NEWS does not mention Tarp Palin’s alleged juvenile pranks, his purported Oxi-ness, or the amount of time the couple were married before birthing former half-term governor Sarah Palin’s second (acknowledged) grandchild. (Three months.) It does, however, say this:

Track is an Army reservist and served time in Iraq. He’s a commercial fisherman and plans to go back to college.

We have never seen people plan to go back to college so much as Palin spawn and their beloveds. Really, honestly, there’s community colleges everywhere. You don’t have to get in, you just go sign up.

Anyway, mazel tov, you crazy kids. Go forth and be total assholes probably.

[TMZ]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 361 comments }

Gratuitous World December 12, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Will he retain visitation rights in order to ensure the child knows all its gay slurs?

corthylio December 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I wonder if Palin spawn even need to be taught discrimination, or if this is innate behavior?

starfanglednut December 12, 2012 at 9:54 pm

They are homozygous for the trait.

CivicHoliday December 13, 2012 at 12:56 pm

homozygous recessive, one would hope. otherwise that shit is going to start spreading through the populous like wildfire

Negropolis December 12, 2012 at 10:17 pm

Baby, they are born this way.

DaveJ December 12, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Well you know Gratuitous World, maybe if our good Wasilla families had role models to look up like they do in Chicago, with Bill Ayers and Saul Alinsky pallin' around with us and teaching our young people to look down upon great role models that we've got here in the great state of Alaska, it wouldn't be so hard, too.

Sparky McGruff December 12, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Also, too. They have a great appreciation of all forms of role models, when Putin rears his ugly head. All of 'em, Katie.

greenloner December 13, 2012 at 2:32 am

I see from a later comment of yours that you've stumbled into the wrong neighborhood here. I'm sure you'd be happier reading some other blog and commenting with people who think like you.

viennawoods13 December 13, 2012 at 7:48 am

pssst…there's such a thing known as parody.

mavenmaven December 12, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Now he can make good money lecturing about abstinence!

memzilla December 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

With guns! For Freedom!

ibwilliamsi December 12, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Abstinence is for GIRLS, silly! Wait, that makes Track an advocate for teh gayz. He can't be both… Maybe he'll get into a small massage therapy business, like his dad.

Terry December 13, 2012 at 9:24 am

Or better money selling oxy, if he doesn't use up all his product.

Not_So_Much December 12, 2012 at 6:20 pm

That clan is stone cold killing the whole fambly values thing!

actor212 December 13, 2012 at 7:02 am

For Palins, babbies are like Alaskan king crabs. They just leave another Trapp out and voila, more!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Why should he take his wedding vows any more seriously than Sarah took her pledge to serve her term in office as governor?

SorosBot December 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm

He learned to quit from watching his mom.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:25 pm

I don't know if quitting can be taught…

ChapterUndVerse December 13, 2012 at 12:02 am

Seems like an aptitude thing, really.

mormos December 12, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Who knew half-assing it was genetic?

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Oaths are so libtard.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 9:50 am

Unless it's a Grover Norquist Oath.

bikerlaureate December 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm

That's not affirmative. It's a "Noath" in oath's clothing.

Terry December 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

Recall that Track is the reason his parents had to get married, so he was just carrying on a family tradition.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 6:23 pm

One families loss is another meth lab's gain.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 6:24 pm

This is clearly the result of all the gay marriage we have here in Washington now.

finallyhappy December 12, 2012 at 6:37 pm

I think that is correct- 4 states passing marriage equality is destroying straight marriages- left and right(Myaim Bialik for the left and Track for the far right)

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Obviously.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 8:59 pm

I don't know, em, but if these two crazy kids can't make it, what chance do we have? I mean, I haven't even knocked you up yet.

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 9:05 pm

BITE YER TONGUE.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Get a room, you two!

HistoriCat December 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

Kinky …

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 12, 2012 at 9:52 pm

You two better start thinking about what name brand you want to name your kids after. Dyson? Honda? Les Shwab has a nice ring to it.

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Nah, something classy like Perrier or Cartier.

PS I'm old… any kids I might have at this point would probably be r*t@rd-d, so we could just name them T-r_i*g II.

docterry6973 December 12, 2012 at 7:37 pm

And do teh geyz care about the marriages they are destroying? No they do not.

kittensdontlie December 12, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Once straights see how grandly the gays marry, they realize how pathetic their marriages are,…or it might be the marijuana cigarettes.

ShiftyParadigm December 12, 2012 at 6:24 pm

It occurs to me that the Palins "plan" to go to college in much the same way people "plan" what to do with their lottery winnings.

kittensdontlie December 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

They also handle family "planning" the same way.

Tundra Grifter December 12, 2012 at 8:11 pm

They plan to plan – and life happens in the meantime.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:34 pm

All part of the plan!

ChickTract_Fil_A December 12, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Yeah. and I plan to get back on diet and exercise on Jan01.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Exercise works best when you're hungover as fuck (so I've heard)

HistoriCat December 13, 2012 at 10:18 am

Plus if you're vomiting it's not bulimia.

CivicHoliday December 13, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Plan: education. Reality: hookers and blow

Lucidamente1 December 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

The cause endures, the hope still lives, and the grift shall never die.

Tommy1733 December 13, 2012 at 12:21 pm

We shall grift them on the beaches.

YasserArraFeck December 13, 2012 at 2:19 pm

"Nevah, in the field of human endeavor, has so much been grifted from so many, by so few"
Sing it, Winston.
On a slightly related note – watched The Kings Speech last night – my upper lip is still stiff.

DaveJ December 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Well that's very funny, Rebecca, you and the folks here at the Wonkette and the rest of the drive by media seem to delight in spreading all sorts of stories and allegations about people like Track who for fighting in this country's military and I want to especially salute those military families who know for if we provide freedom and liberty for people throughout this country, also.

SorosBot December 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm

T

#tcot December 12, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Well said, $arah! That is you, isn't it?

DaveJ December 12, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Well I'm sure you'd like that #tcot, and I know that your name is about a hashtag or whatever it is called on the Twitter, but my goodness folks out here in Nebraska and every other flyover country state in this great nation of America aren't always on Twitter and don't have the same information that you there on the internet seem to know about and I'm so very proud of everyone here who has taken the time to protect and honor this country, and to do it with flags flying and waving and patriotism being the best gift they could ever receive. All of 'em, #tcot.

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 9:01 pm

That went down smooth. Mmmmmmm.

VodkaGoGo December 12, 2012 at 10:32 pm

I need a cigarette now…

Toomush_Infer December 13, 2012 at 8:50 am

No intertubes in Nebraska? Pity, we have 'em up here in the tip of the Mitt…

Tio_Doidinho December 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

You're quite fluent in Idiot Hillbilly Grifter, I see. Where did you study?

memzilla December 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Golf clap on misusing the #tcot hashtog, also too.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I thought it was Lou.

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Should have ended "also, too."

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 12, 2012 at 8:18 pm

The "my goodness!" was a nice touch though.

starfanglednut December 12, 2012 at 9:58 pm

It was a parody, right? I haz a confused.

AncienReggie December 12, 2012 at 6:54 pm

SkoalRebel?

You're going to need to try breaking that out into two or more sentences if you really want to hurt my feelings.

SuspectedDemocrat December 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

You can tell the libunatics are afraid of this young power couple, it upsets the cultural elite the way this entire family of hard ass workers danced their way into America's heart.

Tequila Mockingbird December 12, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Yeah, if this is how the offspring of a good Christian pro-gun mother like Sarah Palin wind up, I can’t even imagine what a mess draft-dodging Bill and Hillary must have made of their child. I forget, what was her name, again? Chelsea? Isn’t she living in a trailer or something, trying to break a heroin addiction?

Jennyjen798 December 12, 2012 at 8:16 pm

With 5 children, all with different daddies. Also. Too.

Vecchiojohn December 12, 2012 at 8:38 pm

I hear she weighs 400 pounds and "warshes herself with a rag on a stick."

Veritas78 December 12, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Who knew that Alaska was so blah?

Terry December 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

…and getting a check from the government.

#tcot December 12, 2012 at 9:30 pm

I just saw her working the phone bank for the 121212concert.org Sandy relief, which everyone should be watching and donating money to…

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Right after I get my paycheck on 12/14, Biff. How do you like the new tag?

Strange, I'm from NJ and my only relative left there is my sister Sandy. Her power was out for 10 days but other than that…

#tcot December 12, 2012 at 10:56 pm

#tcot has run it's course, I shall return to Biff tomorrow. I've got one good friend in Edison NJ; haven't heard from her at all. Probably not storm-related, though.

docterry6973 December 12, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Authentic Alaskan gibberish.

Maybe Track loves America too much. I understand that can be hell on a marriage.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Nothing a few whore diamonds can't fix…with the new mistress.

Barrelhse December 12, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Pico and Alvarado are still out on patrol.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:38 pm

NO RESPONSE!

FraAnima December 12, 2012 at 10:25 pm

I want you to get out there and k-k-k-k…..

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:39 pm

I ain't goin' up Pork Chop Hill. Pigs ain't kosher.

Negropolis December 12, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Bitch, you better redneckognize!

noodlesalad December 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

It's not a divorce, he's just resigning from husbanding to concentrate on saving our Americuh.

memzilla December 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm

What could be more Jeebus-y than dumping your baby momma two weeks before The Holiday Which Must Not Be Named?

Now this is the real War On Christmas.

corthylio December 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm

If you use a shotgun to get married, what sort of weaponry is used for the divorce?

DaveJ December 12, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I'm pretty sure it involves a snow machine and a helicopter.

oenspiek December 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Traditionally, a woodchipper is involved, at that stage.

corthylio December 12, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Fargo libel!

WhatTheHeck December 12, 2012 at 7:04 pm

The bride usually uses a can of whup-ass

memzilla December 12, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Fragmentation grenade.

rickmaci December 12, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Very well played.

Caradeloca December 12, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Trash can grate?

TootsStansbury December 12, 2012 at 7:14 pm

So that's where the phrase 'nuclear family' comes from!

LibertyLover December 12, 2012 at 8:38 pm

An cast-iron frying pan?

Steverino247 December 12, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Usually sexual or substance abuse allegations…

Negropolis December 12, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Family court.

LakeLucilleLoon December 12, 2012 at 11:36 pm

Dog poop, on the shoes.

eggsacklywright December 13, 2012 at 6:53 am

I used a trebuchet. Worked rill good.

SorosBot December 12, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Who could have expected a couple that gets married in their early 20s because of a pregnancy might not last? Besides everybody, that is.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 6:31 pm

If only they had been gay, they might have had a chance.

Fare la Volpe December 12, 2012 at 10:51 pm

That was an awkward convo to have with the parents, I tell you what.

Hallmark really doesn't make enough "We're Having a Butt Baby!" cards.

trampndirtdown December 13, 2012 at 12:25 am

Snort!

johnnyzhivago December 12, 2012 at 6:27 pm

It's sad we have the Obamas in the White House with their boring upper middle class lifestyle instead of true American Royalty like the Palins.

corthylio December 12, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Yes, it is heartbreaking.

finallyhappy December 12, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Because Snowbilly's family (extended- I include Levi and whoever he is doing) has real family values-none of this stay married, keep studying, keep working crap

rickmaci December 12, 2012 at 7:14 pm

They will doubtless send those girls to college. Ivy League no doubt. The infamy. Dead Breitbart weeps.

ChickTract_Fil_A December 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm

I mean really, who looks more like Rob & Laura Petrie? The First Family or Mook&Sarah?

Chet Kincaid_ December 12, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I saw Barry skip around a hassock on the way to the podium at a press conference once!

docterry6973 December 12, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Those Obammer girls will never make it. You know how those people are.

LetUsBray December 12, 2012 at 8:42 pm

American Royalty, or American Aristocrats?

johnnyzhivago December 12, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Gilbert Gotfried version?

FeloniousMonk December 13, 2012 at 2:02 am

Sarah Silverman is prettier. And better at tossing salad.

LakeLucilleLoon December 12, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Royalty. Inbred but with no papers.

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 9:02 pm

"True Americans" would've been sufficient.

Negropolis December 12, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Real Americans, more like it.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Real Pro – Americans = amateurs.

Tio_Doidinho December 13, 2012 at 9:32 am

One thing I'll give the Socialist Marxist Kenyan in the WH, dude has got one conventional, normal functional family.

Perhaps the House can use that as grounds for impeachment.

rickmaci December 12, 2012 at 6:28 pm

One child, one marriage, one year to divorce. Sounds like most of the marriages over at the trailer park down the highway from where I grew up.

DaveJ December 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm

In fairness, he should be commended for not having knocked anyone ELSE up in that one year. That's a rare feat among the Wasilla cognoscenti.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:45 pm

If three Palins can divorce three times in three years, how long would it take one Palin to divorce once?

bobbert December 13, 2012 at 1:29 am

Is this electrochemistry?

glasspusher December 13, 2012 at 10:37 am

Life usually boils down to electrochemistry or buttsechs. Since he got this girl pregnant, it couldn't be the latter, so…

shelwood46 December 13, 2012 at 3:50 am

I was told there would be no math.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 8:09 am

And a word problem to boot.

glasspusher December 13, 2012 at 10:39 am

If we were honest about every course description, nobody would sign up for anything.

Toomush_Infer December 13, 2012 at 8:55 am

Remains to be seen…

YasserArraFeck December 13, 2012 at 2:22 pm

That we know of. I imagine fatherless babbies drop like rain up in them there Wasilla trailer parks.

OneYieldRegular December 12, 2012 at 6:43 pm

One less bell jar to answer.

fitley December 13, 2012 at 1:01 am

Who's going to get custody of their child " Lugnut".

orygoon December 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

That's two. Next!

Hammiepants December 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

So you can bloviate about "family values", you just aren't good at PRACTICING "family values".

rickmaci December 12, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Very Christiany.

Tundra Grifter December 12, 2012 at 8:14 pm

They say "Family Values" but they don't say "what" value.

Obviously, there are high values and low values. The Palin Brand is a remarkably low value – at any price.

Negropolis December 12, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Truly, the Palins are the Walmart of families. Everyday low values. Always.

gullywompr December 12, 2012 at 10:55 pm

My God, it's full of win!

trampndirtdown December 13, 2012 at 12:28 am

So are you saying Trapperkeeper is rolling back brides?

HistoriCat December 13, 2012 at 10:25 am

Or what family – Manson, Addams, Corleone?

coolhandnuke December 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Who gets custody of the meth lab?

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Is that the name of their dog?

Tio_Doidinho December 13, 2012 at 9:33 am

All of them, Katie!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Maybe we should start a charity to ship condoms to Wassillia. Or at least Plan B.

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Wassail Wassillia!

AlterNewt December 12, 2012 at 8:15 pm

We could at least plan to start a charity.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 9:04 pm

And then quit when we get it about half way done?

AlterNewt December 12, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Seems poetic.

CthuNHu December 12, 2012 at 10:08 pm

After the "collecting lots of munniez for the precious neediez" part, but before the "sending the precious munniez out to the moochers" part.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:48 pm

How dare you! No Palin ever pulls out, let alone a veteran like Track!

HistoriCat December 13, 2012 at 10:25 am

They never cut and run!

Toomush_Infer December 13, 2012 at 8:57 am

Just after the money comes in…oops, sorry, CthuNHu…yours was better, anyway..

YasserArraFeck December 13, 2012 at 2:29 pm

1 – Quit right between the "Raise money" part and the "Give out the money" part
2 – Head for the hill with suitcase full of small bills
3 – hookers, blow, blackouts, etc etc
4 – "Dear Friends, Ah have sinned. Good People, please send what you can to the address at the bottom of your screen, so Ah may atone for my weakness, in Jesus' name, Amen"
5 – Repeat as necessary

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Are you talking about some kind of self-installing condom or self-ingesting pill?

Because otherwise, uh… no.

CthuNHu December 12, 2012 at 10:09 pm

That's how mini-robots really wind up wiping out humanity.

SayItWithWookies December 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

So much for their dream of being unhappy together forever.

Lascauxcaveman December 12, 2012 at 7:53 pm

She should have married that dreamy hunk of manmeat Levi, instead.

[/checks to make sure Levi isn't any closer to her in relation than 1st cousin.]

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 8:38 am

"[/checks to make sure Levi isn't any closer to her in relation than 1st cousin.]"

Like they care.

docterry6973 December 12, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Together or apart, I fear that they have years of unhappiness ahead of them.

hagajim December 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I wonder if the kids can't stay married because they are all insufferable assholes like their mommy….nah.

SorosBot December 12, 2012 at 6:32 pm

It's sad for his ex, because with what family could a woman named Britta seem to have a normal name other than the Palins?

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Don't feel bad, I think she's heir to the water filter fortune.

ManchuCandidate December 12, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Britta Perry's family?

Veritas78 December 12, 2012 at 9:36 pm

In some circles, it's good luck to name a child after the first thing you see upon learning of your parenthood. I go by 'Cuffs.

Toomush_Infer December 13, 2012 at 8:59 am

So that's why my dad always called me Two Dogs Fucking….

YasserArraFeck December 13, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Future father-in-law's knuckles?

Secluded Compound December 12, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Holy hell, I hope she runs in 2016.

Maman December 12, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Well, have a premie does put a strain on a new marriage.

finallyhappy December 12, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Medical science miracle- born at 3 months and yet the same size as most 9 month babies!!!

MissTaken December 12, 2012 at 7:21 pm

It's amazing how many first children are preemies. Especially in the Palin clan.

Chet Kincaid_ December 12, 2012 at 8:37 pm

All of them, Katie! (My God, that's the first time I've stooped that low.)

Steverino247 December 12, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Welcome to the bottom, my friend! LOL

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:40 pm

One of us! One of us!

shelwood46 December 13, 2012 at 3:58 am

I had a friend whose parents swore up and down they never had premarital sex. Their anniversary: August 1. His birthdate, same year: August 10. Medical miracle!

AlterNewt December 12, 2012 at 8:18 pm

They named it Premie?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Yes, but mostly because he couldn't pull out in time.

JustPixelz December 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm

I'm sure the Palins will engage in some deep introspection about their values, the changing nature of families, and how they can overcome this set back. Then blame the media, ACORN, Santa Claus and skewed poles.

Troglodeity December 12, 2012 at 6:35 pm

Fast Track.

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Furiously applauding you.

Hit it and quit it.

Spurning Beer December 12, 2012 at 10:37 pm

If you read the Oxy link in the post, you'll learn that Track's middle name is "Mark."

Texan_Bulldog December 12, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Can't wait to read her tell-all book, "My Life with the World's Craziest Harpie Mother-in-Law".

When does Snowbilly ask for privacy for her family to get through this emotional time? Oh, wait, look who I'm talking about.

smokefilledroommate December 12, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Trick got caught in a Trarg Trap. But maybe the Trarg trigged Trick!
Goddamn, I hate those friggin' names.

corthylio December 12, 2012 at 6:49 pm

I blame the meth.

Oh, and Obama, of course.

not that Dewey December 12, 2012 at 11:22 pm

"Meth is hard"

-Caribou Barbie

Guppy December 12, 2012 at 7:08 pm

I'm waiting for one named "Tarp."

corthylio December 12, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I'm waiting for Triscuit. Or Brisket. If someone has twins, they could use both.

Fukui-sanYesOta December 12, 2012 at 7:18 pm

or "derp"

AlterNewt December 12, 2012 at 8:19 pm

or DARPA.

smokefilledroommate December 13, 2012 at 1:30 am

never TARDIS, though.. perhaps unintentionally.

docterry6973 December 12, 2012 at 8:07 pm

No snark, I think that their fondness for unique names is their most charming quality.

FeloniousMonk December 12, 2012 at 11:24 pm

They pick names that make you think "how is that poor child going to make it through kindergarten?" You're right, it is their most charming quality.

smokefilledroommate December 13, 2012 at 1:34 am

Wasilla kindergarten is making your way through the day without shitting your pants and eating it.

Sharkey December 12, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Jack Steuf approves of this comment!

christianmuslin December 12, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have found the perfect weather spokesperson for the Shreveport television station..He is perfect for their .media market of Louisiana, East Texas and Arkansas and his hairstyle conforms to their hlgh standards. Can he point and read NOAA weather forecasts?

Jerri December 13, 2012 at 10:10 am

That depends. Do you want him to point and read at the same time?

Joshua Norton December 12, 2012 at 6:44 pm

So the kid was 6 months premature and weighed like 12 pounds. Hey, it could happen.

Wile E. Quixote December 12, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Hey, I was born six months after my parents were married and weighed almost eight pounds. It's a good thing that I was so premature because there's no way my mother, who was all of 5'2" tall and 100 pounds would have been able to carry me to term.

trampndirtdown December 13, 2012 at 12:44 am

I threw my parents a 50th anniversary party a few years ago, and was standing next to my brother, who had turned 51 the day before. I said " Hey wait a second if you're 51…." and he said " Nice catch moron, that only took you 40 years too figure out?"

bobbert December 13, 2012 at 1:31 am

Ha. Congrats to your folks, and it was easy for your bro to figger out.

OneYieldRegular December 12, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I suspect that if this family ever left Alaska the glaciers would come back.

starfanglednut December 12, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Yeah, all the methane they produce is melting them.

kittensdontlie December 12, 2012 at 6:45 pm

TMZ needs to jazz up their headlines a la Daily Caller style, for example:

Sarah Palin's Son Twig Twat Twack (Headed) Hurdles for Divorce Court

corthylio December 12, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Palins' Dissolution-ment: No Track Suit Needed!

Spurning Beer December 12, 2012 at 10:48 pm

PALIN D-I-L: PREGNANT AGAIN? I'M NOT KEEPING TRACK!

johnnyzhivago December 12, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Looks like a candidate for a regular on Truck Stop Crack Hoes on the Weather Channel.

SuspectedDemocrat December 12, 2012 at 6:51 pm

This certainly sets up Track for a shot at the 2016 Republican nomination.

johnnyzhivago December 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

I don't know about that, but he's certainly Congress material.

weejee December 12, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Wouldn't that be 2024, since he has to be 35? Or is it you have to have an IQ of 35 to be Prez and Shrub just cleared the bar?

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 8:14 am

No he didn't, but the Supreme Court gave him a waiver.

karen503 December 12, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Or an invite to Dancing with the Stars.

kyeshinka December 12, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Sarah Palin should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

weejee December 12, 2012 at 7:02 pm

/ slow clap

Barrelhse December 12, 2012 at 8:29 pm

That's the worst kind.

Chet Kincaid_ December 12, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Why don't you spend that on somebody who committed genocide or atrocities or something? In this precious season, you could thank her for her part in Obama's '08 victory.

Negropolis December 12, 2012 at 11:02 pm

That doesn't even make any sense.

Tequila Mockingbird December 12, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Where were you on the day love died?

#tcot December 12, 2012 at 6:54 pm

12/12/12, nevar forget!

FeloniousMonk December 12, 2012 at 11:33 pm

In my Chevy on the Levi.

Barbara_ December 12, 2012 at 6:54 pm

He was married 18 months to his high school sweetheart? Wow, the marriage lasted longer than any of the Palin clan lasted in high school.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:43 pm

It's what's long and hard on a Palin.

Tequila Mockingbird December 12, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Is Britta going to return the engagement NuvaRing®?

YasserArraFeck December 13, 2012 at 2:32 pm

If she's read the directions, she would've known that it wouldn't work when worn on your finger, but then, reading and all that fancy stuff isn't really big in 'Laska.

chascates December 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

The worst person I know
Mother-in-law
Now she worries me so
Mother-in-law

If she would leave us alone
We'd have a happy home
Sent from down below
Mother-in-law, ha ha ha
Mother-in-law, ha ha

Satan should be her name
Mother-in-law (she's a mother)
(A mother-in-law)

Guppy December 12, 2012 at 7:10 pm

She thinks her advice
Is the Constitution
But if she would leave
That should be the solution

And never come back no more

Biel_ze_Bubba December 12, 2012 at 6:55 pm

She's had more luck getting the Palins out of her life than the rest of the country.

rocktonsam December 12, 2012 at 6:56 pm

once again, Walnuts gift to the world keeps on giving.

coolhandnuke December 12, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Didn't the Feds fork over mega billions to TARP back in 2007. It sounds good in theory, yet I don't think you can throw money at or cure a Troubled Asshat Republican Progeny.

weejee December 12, 2012 at 6:58 pm

The blatherskite does not fall far from its family tree.

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Blatherskite is a word that needs to be used more often.

weejee December 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Particularly in this age of political word salads.

ChickTract_Fil_A December 12, 2012 at 7:44 pm

The trailer doesn't fall far from the park.

corthylio December 12, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Crikey- is that the wedding photo? They must have saved a bundle on the florist bill.

I reckon they spent it all on ammo for the shotgun. And the helicopter…

dadanarchistmk2 December 12, 2012 at 7:00 pm

"We have never seen people plan to go back to college so much as Palin spawn and their beloveds. Really, honestly, there’s community colleges everywhere. You don’t have to get in, you just go sign up."

The university (a real, accredited, brick n' mortar) I teach at offers numerous online courses toward the B.A. in a number of fields, so they could still sit on their couch/snowmobile/moose and drink Keystone Light/paint-thinner/Fermented Wolf Jizz while snorting Crank/Oxy/Powdered Seal Taint, with their idiot spawn crawling around like lemurs, and still be working to a degree.

I'll even send them the information.

Fukui-sanYesOta December 12, 2012 at 7:07 pm

The key mistake you've made is assuming that these shitty semi-sentient shaven apes actually want to learn something. Oh gosh, no – far easier to claim to want to learn since that might half-scam you into a reality TV show or some grifting bullshit like that. Actual knowledge or education? That's for weird people.

dadanarchistmk2 December 12, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Just calling their bluff.

Naked_Bunny December 12, 2012 at 7:39 pm

That didn't stop their mom from putting in a little effort, dammit!

trampndirtdown December 13, 2012 at 12:49 am

Rawr! like the new avatar.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Exactly. Watching and enjoying The History Channel != ability to get a degree in history.

Guppy December 12, 2012 at 7:11 pm

And the completion rate is what, 12%?

dadanarchistmk2 December 12, 2012 at 7:13 pm

Much higher, actually, because it's a real university and not a diploma mill. We actually graduate slightly better than the institution as a whole, but they do take longer.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Awesome.

BlueStateLibel December 12, 2012 at 7:43 pm

"idiot spawn crawling around like lemurs" – I'm going to have to remember that description next time I visit the family.

Steverino247 December 12, 2012 at 9:41 pm

"Fermented Wolf Jizz" and "Powdered Seal Taint"

Now, there's two products you don't hear much about…

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 9:54 pm

It's a dessert topping, and a floor wax!

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I see it shimmering in the distance…

dadanarchistmk2 December 12, 2012 at 10:21 pm

You can buy both by the oz. under the second off-ramp to the Bridge to Nowhere.

Blunderthing December 12, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Well, you can't shake the snowbilly grifter tree and expect a community-college-going-boy named after an all purpose outdoor covering to fall out. Oh wait. Yes you can.

Guppy December 12, 2012 at 7:13 pm

I hope she's not currently working as an Alaska State Trooper…

dadanarchistmk2 December 12, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Track could go to college, dropout, and sue for $75,000 when he objects to being taught in either Sociology or Biology that your sister's secret shame-baby is your nephew, not your brother.

(Sully libel!)

memzilla December 12, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Completely O/T, but Elizabeth Warren has been appointed to the Senate Banking Committee by Harry Reid.

MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA….

Who wants to bet me that bank stocks will fall by 5% on tomorrow's open?

Fukui-sanYesOta December 12, 2012 at 7:23 pm

super. awesome.

I love that woman.

memzilla December 12, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Is that the sound of a slavering watchdog I hear?

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Thanks for the link. Loved the comments. One of my favorites was:

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Really. Bank stocks may fall, but something of mine is rising…

fuflans December 12, 2012 at 11:21 pm

and you know what, if they hadn't been such short-sighted dicks, she would have been a bureaucrat for likely 2 to 4 years.

now she's a senator from MA, a true blue FDR libtard and she's never going away.

trampndirtdown December 13, 2012 at 12:58 am

^ This!

Negropolis December 13, 2012 at 3:00 am

EXACTLY.

TootsStansbury December 12, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Sheeeeit. I had to work all day and miss all the goodness on my Wonkette and I'm stuck with a Palin post? So who gets custody of l'il Tweeker?

Blueb4sinrise December 12, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Wrote a song fer ya…………………….

A Day in the Wonkette

The day began with Taylor
'bout Bamz the tokin prez
He's a Marxist, needs a teleprompter
and a Muslin in a fez

All I get is a Palin post, Palin post.
Grifters on the loose
All I get is a Palin post, Palin post
blowjobs for a moose.

Kris then told of vouchers
and the poorz who need them sent
A 'speriment in Minnesota
Buy a pill or pay the rent.

All I get ………..etc

The boss told of a weatheratrix
short hair and mocha hue
fired for a facebook post
sensible and true.

All I get ………..etc.

Rich called up a monster
not Nessie, Gojira or Grendel
From the website Daily Caller
The horror of Bobby Jindal

All I get ………..etc

The bright spot of the day
was weed and Jimmy Carter
Everyone torched a ……uh….
uh……uh……..something…..fergit the rest
doesn't rhyme either
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA

All I get ………..etc

Then there was a crashing set
and shoes flying through the air
Romney Advisor and Fiscal Cliff
and no one even cared.

All I get ………..etc

Dok dove into metaphors
Incoherent obfuscation
You know 'em, you hate 'em
The Heritage Foundation

All I get ………..etc

Snipy grossed us out
With Senatorial 3-Way
Senile, Crazy and Asshole
None of them are gay.
Really!!

All I get ………..etc

Felony Assault is a topic
often stifling snark
Fucker should die-in-a-fyre
Who's got the spark?

All I get ………..etc

Taylor returns to inform
that academic requirements are passe
Don't have to listen to problems
if the subject is gaii

All I get ………..etc

Jeff told of a Detroit pundit
and the smoke that he was blowin
non-opinion, false equivalency, feigning neutrality
the poor man's Richard Cohen

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Well done!

Blueb4sinrise December 12, 2012 at 9:11 pm

thanks. Wish I had counted how many posts there were first, though.

Mumbletypeg December 13, 2012 at 9:16 am

fapfapfapfapfapfap
#winning

Veritas78 December 12, 2012 at 9:54 pm

I am so wicha, Toots. I personally work all day, sixteen tons, deeper in debt, company store, same ol', same ol', and when I gits home, Wonkette done took all de funny, as "they" say.

Might I suggest that we chaps form something akin to a "union!" Might we wear placards and such? With slogans such as "Hold your bon mots, comrades! We've a commute home to make!" It is a bother to fit one's Wonkettiasma in between a day at the hedge fund and sherry with the lads, in whatever mode of deshabille they might be.

Rest assured, your "l'il Tweeker" is safe with me!—if you catch my drift and I think you do. Martini?

trampndirtdown December 13, 2012 at 1:02 am

Where do I send my dues?

RadioBitchFace December 13, 2012 at 1:44 am

This is a "Right to Snark" state!

TootsStansbury December 13, 2012 at 7:20 am

I don't usually post until I am fully coffeed up but the replies to my yawp are so full of teh awesomes. I'm out on my porch drinking coffee and laughing my head off!

Naked_Bunny December 12, 2012 at 7:33 pm

This must be the fault of those Washington State ghays somehow!

Wile E. Quixote December 12, 2012 at 8:18 pm

I know, and isn't it just fabulous?

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Did anyone bring up the opening scene of Idiocracy yet? Just wondering.

BlueStateLibel December 12, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Well, with a mother-in-law like that…

GortRay December 12, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Track and his brothers Trudge and Turd are starting up a new meth lab in Wasilla and there ain't no gurls allowed!

cousinitt December 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Fractured Fairy Tale. http://youtu.be/xXC66yMe3ao

"Meanwhile, Mercede Johnston, younger sister of Bristol Palin's baby daddy, Levi Johnston, recently joined the family businesses: posing nude and trashing the Palins.

After Levi paved the way in Playgirl, demurely keeping his naughty bits to himself, Mercede has stripped for Playboy. The four-page photo spread, due Friday, is reportedly accompanied by an interview in which the 19-year-old calls Bristol a "sociopath" and alleges her brother and his future ex-fiancée planned to have a baby and were in fact "trying to conceive for months."

docterry6973 December 12, 2012 at 7:54 pm

I wish I weren't an atheist, so I could pray that God will make all these people just go away and live their sad, sorry lives in silence.

BarackMyWorld December 12, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Gah…didn't Playboy used to have standards???

Tundra Grifter December 12, 2012 at 8:17 pm

"A four page spread" – two of them will probably be her caboose.

dadanarchistmk2 December 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm

On a somewhat (but classier) related topic, have I missed the Wonkette reporting that Dubya is gonna be a grand pappy? [Until Cheney shoots in the face and harvests its organs?]

docterry6973 December 12, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Is she married? Just curious.

Negropolis December 12, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Yes.

Walkinwiddaking December 12, 2012 at 7:48 pm

"You can actually see my grandchild from Alaska".

No shit.

BarackMyWorld December 12, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Remind me again how awesome and superior people from small towns are, someone, please.

poorgradstudent December 12, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I used to work for a small town newspaper for about three years. In those years among the staff of about eleven people, there were two having an affair with each other, one who was having an affair with someone outside the office, one who had an affair with someone outside the office which resulted in a pregnancy and was embezzling ad revenue and got off easy because the boss has a weird and apparently unrequited crush on her, and one who was an alcoholic and drug addict who stole petty cash from the front register to buy beer and brag about it.

But for the most part they were really nice people, which is more than I can say for the Palins.

VodkaGoGo December 12, 2012 at 11:53 pm

"Salt of the earth types. You know, morons."

anniegetyerfun December 12, 2012 at 7:59 pm

You have to take tests to get into my local community colleges. That's why I never take classes there – I know I'd be thrown back to remedial math.

Barrelhse December 12, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Does the local CC have a short bus?

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 12, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Obvs their marriage was undermined by all of those total fags in the next closest state getting married last Sunday. Way to go Washington!

Limeylizzie December 12, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Oh noooooooooooooooo! That is so sad and you are being mean , all of you, these are religious people, good Christians, well except for Mama Palin and she is just a downright, filthy, lying, cheating, ignorant, addlepated cunt.

Tundra Grifter December 12, 2012 at 8:19 pm

2L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You were missed! How the heck are ya? Welcome back and all that! The party just hasn't been the same since you left.

Everything else is pretty much the same, of course.

Limeylizzie December 12, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Oh I have been around, just been really busy, how the hell are you?

trampndirtdown December 13, 2012 at 1:06 am

Did you get a gig? crossing fingers.

Tundra Grifter December 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

Peachy – thanx for asking. Busy jumping the snark here on Wonkette.

Pickin' cotton, raisin' Hell, and bailin' hay. The usual.

docterry6973 December 12, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Dang it, I was rooting for those two crazy kids to make it.

Tundra Grifter December 12, 2012 at 8:25 pm

"I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. "

Barrelhse December 12, 2012 at 8:26 pm

It goes to show you never can tell.

gullywompr December 12, 2012 at 8:54 pm

C'est la vie.

FeloniousMonk December 13, 2012 at 2:26 am

"My ding-a-ling" was more dignified than this lot.

Tundra Grifter December 13, 2012 at 9:54 am

Maybe you can't tell, but you can always suspect.

BTWBFDIMHO December 12, 2012 at 8:34 pm

They are all Methodists now.

ProgressiveInga December 12, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Chin up, Trog. Grandma always said "there's a lid for every pot". Keep looking.

Spurning Beer December 12, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I got a lid of pot from my grandma, too.

gullywompr December 12, 2012 at 11:16 pm

My parents found my weed when I was a teen, and of course had to be responsible and confiscate it. I later found out they never actually disposed of it, except maybe in the sense that they consumed it.

Then I had teens of my own, and what can I say, history repeats itself. Goddamn that chronic shit is strong.

trampndirtdown December 13, 2012 at 1:07 am

Try the diesel.

Biff December 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

My experience ended differently. My sister found mine, gave it to my brother to verify, and he gave it to my mother who in turn gave it to Officer Stadanko who gave me a ride to juvenile hall forever, the end.

HistoriCat December 13, 2012 at 10:41 am

Well, thank goodness. You might have ended up jumping from a building or listening to that heathen rock and roll music or … or taking up with a fallen woman!

BTWBFDIMHO December 12, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Thanksgiving's dinner was beyond the limit for Britta, when her mother-in-law cut the turkey's head with a guillotine while comparing Obama with Roberspierre.

HistoriCat December 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

SP probably thinks Robespierre is a large piece of furniture.

ManchuCandidate December 12, 2012 at 8:47 pm

I'm sure Track is playing "Getting Rid of Britta." on an endless loop.
"She's a no good B!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCXzuYyym2Y

dennis1943 December 12, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Even the miniister's daughter has had enough…………

ProgressiveInga December 12, 2012 at 8:56 pm

What, no live-blogging the Sandy 121212 concert? Wake up, sheeple! You're missing aging rock stars with their surgically-augmented teeth trying to look relevant while doing something honorable.

Barrelhse December 12, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Gotta love the lip "syncing".

cousinitt December 12, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Track is free; moose are nervous.

SheriffRoscoe December 12, 2012 at 9:03 pm

It's the Palin mantra: "Until something better comes along, do we part."

decentcitizen December 12, 2012 at 9:13 pm

"Til death do us par…aw, fuck it!

TRDMC December 12, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Blame teh gheys…obviously.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Way to kill the spontaneity of going to college, Track.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Wow, I have something in common with the Palins? I, too am planning on going back to college in the spring…only it'll be to teach graduate electrochemistry…

BadKitty904 December 12, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Showboater… ;0)

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Just like the Palins, it's a cry for help.

BadKitty904 December 12, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Joshing aside, *congrats*, Prof!

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Thanks. I'm just an adjunct. My mom loves the bragging rights, though. I tell my classes the first day: I'm pretty informal, but I'll fail you just the same!

Steverino247 December 12, 2012 at 9:57 pm

This is good news for John McCain (She's a blonde).

Negropolis December 12, 2012 at 10:03 pm

If these two kids can't make it, what hope is there for us?! I just don't know what to believe, anymore. That said, this can't come as a complete surprise. Palin's are famous for quitting things halfway through, except fucking.

Aquarianne17 December 12, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Sarah, why should anyone listen to your drivel? Your children, Toenail and Liverpool, don't even listen.

BadKitty904 December 12, 2012 at 10:14 pm

OT: Head's up, Teabaggers!

Census: White Population Will Lose Majority in U.S. by 2043 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/12/census-hispanic...?

gullywompr December 12, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Not to worry – gerrymandering will keep them in the virtual majority forever.

VodkaGoGo December 12, 2012 at 10:14 pm

I wonder how they'll split the double-wide in the settlement.

Blueb4sinrise December 12, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Vegas is on it

hacksaw 3-1
chainsaw 5 -1
axe 7-1
oxy torch 10-1
butane torch , finish with axe 2-1

HistoriCat December 13, 2012 at 10:44 am

What are the odds for "chaining one half to the truck and pulling it away"?

Biff December 13, 2012 at 10:19 am

One winter without shoveling the roof should take care of it.

gingerland62 December 12, 2012 at 10:20 pm

I'm not saying he's a cheating wife beater, but he's been known to pal around with a couple of them.

Negropolis December 12, 2012 at 10:21 pm

This is good news for Honey Boo Boo. I mean, she's practically an old maid in Georgia.

JackObin December 12, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Track? Is that a biblical name? Or perhaps a community college dropout's mind at work.

VodkaGoGo December 12, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Damn, tried to make a t r i g joke and got shut down cold. The punchline was "Nothing, he's [redacted]."

BZ1 December 12, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Britta, run, run now, run far away.

Negropolis December 12, 2012 at 11:37 pm

That's going to be hard with a husband whose name is Track.

fuflans December 13, 2012 at 12:04 am

obama's fault.

Schmegeg December 13, 2012 at 1:07 am

Terp's daughter is named Kyla Grace, which is actually kind of nice. How do we explain that?

LibertyLover December 13, 2012 at 1:11 am

Aw shucks, and they had such a promising start, too.

bobbert December 13, 2012 at 2:03 am

Tell you the truth, this gives me kinda sad. I don't know if either or both of these kids is a reactionary asshole, and that's kind of important — it means they've mostly kept their mouths shut, unlike GrannyTwat.

As sorosbot pointed out, it's not surprising for a pregnancy-assisted post-teen marriage to fail, but it's still sad.

Negropolis December 13, 2012 at 3:04 am

You don't want to see a marriage break up with a child involved, for sure, but Track has his own issues, which have been documented, and he sounds like he has quite a bit more growing up to do and a purpose to find. What's sad is that they both decided to bring a child into all of this.

You know, maybe I'm judgemental on this issue, but I think society would be better off if immature 20-somethings without stable employement we're bringing pregnancies to term. They often think babies are stabilizing forces that bring couples closer. Well, they simply aren't if you aren't stable, yourself. In fact, they can excerbate issues with couples, and then the children are harmed in more ways than one. I've seen this happen far too often.

dopper0189 December 13, 2012 at 2:20 am

I know the GOP wants to be the big tent party, but isn't naming your kid "Tarp" taking that a little too literally?

ttommyunger December 13, 2012 at 7:01 am

Trying to give a fuck……trying………trying……….FAIL!

not that Dewey December 13, 2012 at 7:29 am

Attention, Wonketteers who use Wordpress accounts to login to intensedebate and/or don't use Gravatard for yer Avatard (I can't tell which): your avatar pics all look like that weird green mosaicky thing, and your user profiles lead to dead links. At first I thought it was a one- or two-off glitch, but it seems to be a pattern. Hopefully it's just a glitch and I'm being alarmist for no reason. Because the alternative is that some peoples' entire comment histories are gone.

Another piece of the puzzle: some users have "intensedebate/people/blahblahblah" and others have "intensedebate/profiles/blahblahblah". It seems to affect the latter.

-or-

I'm sane, everyone else is crazy.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 8:13 am

Does anyone else get this earworm when they read this post?

♫ Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? ♪
(I'm a driver, I'm a winner; things are gonna change, I can feel it.)

LibrarianX December 13, 2012 at 8:30 am

My plans? To be an astronaut.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 9:04 am

"He’s a commercial fisherman and plans to go back to college."

Well, we can certainly use more commercial fishermen who have associate's degrees.

Tundra Grifter December 13, 2012 at 9:58 am

About that plan there is certainly something fishy.

DahBoner December 13, 2012 at 9:55 am

Tarp Palin

What's he trying to coverup?

She got stuck on his brother Ductape?

mrblifil December 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

I plan to not give a shit about any of them for the duration of my brief span on Earth.

bearperney December 13, 2012 at 10:49 am

My wife and I traveled up from Missouri to tour Alaska a couple of years ago. Beautiful country up there, but, we were both amazed at how the people there were virtually identical to the people in our neighbor state to the south (Arkansas). I mean right down to old major appliances and dead cars laying around the property and etc. Uncanny!

sundaytrucker December 13, 2012 at 10:53 am

Is Alaska the Inuit word for trailer park?

NinjaCat_Baba December 13, 2012 at 11:05 am

He will fit in, just right, at clown college. Track will continue the aPAuLIN family tradition as Publicity assClowns.

mustangsavvy December 13, 2012 at 11:39 am

OMG I never saw this coming =( =( =(
What a terrible never expected surprise for my Thursday morning!
Are you gonna tell me next that Britney and K-Fed are getting a divorce too?!?! That will end my world.
*rends garments* *gnashes teeth*

taylormattd December 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Oh come on.

Is this the ret**ded one?

TribecaMike December 13, 2012 at 1:19 pm

"served time in Iraq" is a funny, yet apt, way to put it.

OldRedneck December 13, 2012 at 2:39 pm

So — any word on who gets the single-wide?

OldRedneck December 13, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I sense a reality show in the making.

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 12, 2012 at 10:18 pm

I've decided it will be named Jordache.

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Eh, I like it.

trampndirtdown December 13, 2012 at 12:19 am

Not Guess?

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 10:29 pm

It's in the genes.

glasspusher December 12, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Huh. My sister's in Dunellen, not far from there. We grew up in Piscataway.As long as you have the Joe Cool and Woodstock avatar, it's all good.kkkk

BadKitty904 December 12, 2012 at 11:46 pm

"My son, the genius!"

trampndirtdown December 13, 2012 at 1:09 am

Any extra credit for being "a nice drunk" and being a good tipper?

Redgyal December 13, 2012 at 9:14 am

Brazilians again?

glasspusher December 13, 2012 at 10:10 am

Always! That's the only extra credit I allow any more.

Biff December 13, 2012 at 11:52 am

The story is a lot more convoluted than that, since dear old mother once sent me away for a spell to the Lagunitas compound of Big Brother and the Holding Company to experience gawd-knows-what at their somewhat more experienced hands, and later in life when she was dying of cancer she started smoking dope herself, but that's all fodder for another post, some other time…

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 13, 2012 at 12:44 pm

What are you implying?

emmelemm December 13, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Nicely played.

YasserArraFeck December 13, 2012 at 2:14 pm

When you're not sure who the father is, what else are you going to call the kid? (apart from "Oops", "Who the fuck are you?" etc)

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