knock us over with a feather

The Fairy Tale Crumbles: Tarp Palin Divorcing That Chick He Knocked Up

A love that burned too hot to lastWoe be this day, for the fairy tale romantic love of Sarah Palin’s eldest princeling son and his once-preggers bride have filed to dissolve their holiest shotgun union.

For reasons unknown, the TMZ post that broke this BREAKING NEWS does not mention Tarp Palin’s alleged juvenile pranks, his purported Oxi-ness, or the amount of time the couple were married before birthing former half-term governor Sarah Palin’s second (acknowledged) grandchild. (Three months.) It does, however, say this:

Track is an Army reservist and served time in Iraq. He’s a commercial fisherman and plans to go back to college.

We have never seen people plan to go back to college so much as Palin spawn and their beloveds. Really, honestly, there’s community colleges everywhere. You don’t have to get in, you just go sign up.

Anyway, mazel tov, you crazy kids. Go forth and be total assholes probably.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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        1. CivicHoliday

          homozygous recessive, one would hope. otherwise that shit is going to start spreading through the populous like wildfire

    1. DaveJ

      Well you know Gratuitous World, maybe if our good Wasilla families had role models to look up like they do in Chicago, with Bill Ayers and Saul Alinsky pallin' around with us and teaching our young people to look down upon great role models that we've got here in the great state of Alaska, it wouldn't be so hard, too.

      1. Sparky McGruff

        Also, too. They have a great appreciation of all forms of role models, when Putin rears his ugly head. All of 'em, Katie.

      2. greenloner

        I see from a later comment of yours that you've stumbled into the wrong neighborhood here. I'm sure you'd be happier reading some other blog and commenting with people who think like you.

    1. ibwilliamsi

      Abstinence is for GIRLS, silly! Wait, that makes Track an advocate for teh gayz. He can't be both… Maybe he'll get into a small massage therapy business, like his dad.

    1. Terry

      Recall that Track is the reason his parents had to get married, so he was just carrying on a family tradition.

    1. finallyhappy

      I think that is correct- 4 states passing marriage equality is destroying straight marriages- left and right(Myaim Bialik for the left and Track for the far right)

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          You two better start thinking about what name brand you want to name your kids after. Dyson? Honda? Les Shwab has a nice ring to it.

          1. emmelemm

            Nah, something classy like Perrier or Cartier.

            PS I'm old… any kids I might have at this point would probably be r*t@rd-d, so we could just name them T-r_i*g II.

          2. YasserArraFeck

            When you're not sure who the father is, what else are you going to call the kid? (apart from "Oops", "Who the fuck are you?" etc)

    2. kittensdontlie

      Once straights see how grandly the gays marry, they realize how pathetic their marriages are,…or it might be the marijuana cigarettes.

  1. ShiftyParadigm

    It occurs to me that the Palins "plan" to go to college in much the same way people "plan" what to do with their lottery winnings.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        "Nevah, in the field of human endeavor, has so much been grifted from so many, by so few"
        Sing it, Winston.
        On a slightly related note – watched The Kings Speech last night – my upper lip is still stiff.

  2. DaveJ

    Well that's very funny, Rebecca, you and the folks here at the Wonkette and the rest of the drive by media seem to delight in spreading all sorts of stories and allegations about people like Track who for fighting in this country's military and I want to especially salute those military families who know for if we provide freedom and liberty for people throughout this country, also.

      1. DaveJ

        Well I'm sure you'd like that #tcot, and I know that your name is about a hashtag or whatever it is called on the Twitter, but my goodness folks out here in Nebraska and every other flyover country state in this great nation of America aren't always on Twitter and don't have the same information that you there on the internet seem to know about and I'm so very proud of everyone here who has taken the time to protect and honor this country, and to do it with flags flying and waving and patriotism being the best gift they could ever receive. All of 'em, #tcot.

    1. AncienReggie


      You're going to need to try breaking that out into two or more sentences if you really want to hurt my feelings.

    2. SuspectedDemocrat

      You can tell the libunatics are afraid of this young power couple, it upsets the cultural elite the way this entire family of hard ass workers danced their way into America's heart.

    3. Tequila Mockingbird

      Yeah, if this is how the offspring of a good Christian pro-gun mother like Sarah Palin wind up, I can’t even imagine what a mess draft-dodging Bill and Hillary must have made of their child. I forget, what was her name, again? Chelsea? Isn’t she living in a trailer or something, trying to break a heroin addiction?

      1. #tcot

        I just saw her working the phone bank for the Sandy relief, which everyone should be watching and donating money to…

        1. glasspusher

          Right after I get my paycheck on 12/14, Biff. How do you like the new tag?

          Strange, I'm from NJ and my only relative left there is my sister Sandy. Her power was out for 10 days but other than that…

          1. #tcot

            #tcot has run it's course, I shall return to Biff tomorrow. I've got one good friend in Edison NJ; haven't heard from her at all. Probably not storm-related, though.

          2. glasspusher

            Huh. My sister's in Dunellen, not far from there. We grew up in Piscataway.As long as you have the Joe Cool and Woodstock avatar, it's all good.kkkk

    4. docterry6973

      Authentic Alaskan gibberish.

      Maybe Track loves America too much. I understand that can be hell on a marriage.

  3. memzilla

    What could be more Jeebus-y than dumping your baby momma two weeks before The Holiday Which Must Not Be Named?

    Now this is the real War On Christmas.

  4. SorosBot

    Who could have expected a couple that gets married in their early 20s because of a pregnancy might not last? Besides everybody, that is.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        That was an awkward convo to have with the parents, I tell you what.

        Hallmark really doesn't make enough "We're Having a Butt Baby!" cards.

    1. finallyhappy

      Because Snowbilly's family (extended- I include Levi and whoever he is doing) has real family values-none of this stay married, keep studying, keep working crap

    2. rickmaci

      They will doubtless send those girls to college. Ivy League no doubt. The infamy. Dead Breitbart weeps.

    3. Tio_Doidinho

      One thing I'll give the Socialist Marxist Kenyan in the WH, dude has got one conventional, normal functional family.

      Perhaps the House can use that as grounds for impeachment.

  5. rickmaci

    One child, one marriage, one year to divorce. Sounds like most of the marriages over at the trailer park down the highway from where I grew up.

    1. DaveJ

      In fairness, he should be commended for not having knocked anyone ELSE up in that one year. That's a rare feat among the Wasilla cognoscenti.

      1. glasspusher

        If three Palins can divorce three times in three years, how long would it take one Palin to divorce once?

          1. glasspusher

            Life usually boils down to electrochemistry or buttsechs. Since he got this girl pregnant, it couldn't be the latter, so…

      2. YasserArraFeck

        That we know of. I imagine fatherless babbies drop like rain up in them there Wasilla trailer parks.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      They say "Family Values" but they don't say "what" value.

      Obviously, there are high values and low values. The Palin Brand is a remarkably low value – at any price.

        1. CthuNHu

          After the "collecting lots of munniez for the precious neediez" part, but before the "sending the precious munniez out to the moochers" part.

        2. YasserArraFeck

          1 – Quit right between the "Raise money" part and the "Give out the money" part
          2 – Head for the hill with suitcase full of small bills
          3 – hookers, blow, blackouts, etc etc
          4 – "Dear Friends, Ah have sinned. Good People, please send what you can to the address at the bottom of your screen, so Ah may atone for my weakness, in Jesus' name, Amen"
          5 – Repeat as necessary

    1. bikerlaureate

      Are you talking about some kind of self-installing condom or self-ingesting pill?

      Because otherwise, uh… no.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      She should have married that dreamy hunk of manmeat Levi, instead.

      [/checks to make sure Levi isn't any closer to her in relation than 1st cousin.]

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        "[/checks to make sure Levi isn't any closer to her in relation than 1st cousin.]"

        Like they care.

  6. hagajim

    I wonder if the kids can't stay married because they are all insufferable assholes like their mommy….nah.

  7. SorosBot

    It's sad for his ex, because with what family could a woman named Britta seem to have a normal name other than the Palins?

    1. Veritas78

      In some circles, it's good luck to name a child after the first thing you see upon learning of your parenthood. I go by 'Cuffs.

      1. shelwood46

        I had a friend whose parents swore up and down they never had premarital sex. Their anniversary: August 1. His birthdate, same year: August 10. Medical miracle!

  8. JustPixelz

    I'm sure the Palins will engage in some deep introspection about their values, the changing nature of families, and how they can overcome this set back. Then blame the media, ACORN, Santa Claus and skewed poles.

  9. Texan_Bulldog

    Can't wait to read her tell-all book, "My Life with the World's Craziest Harpie Mother-in-Law".

    When does Snowbilly ask for privacy for her family to get through this emotional time? Oh, wait, look who I'm talking about.

      1. FeloniousMonk

        They pick names that make you think "how is that poor child going to make it through kindergarten?" You're right, it is their most charming quality.

  10. christianmuslin

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have found the perfect weather spokesperson for the Shreveport television station..He is perfect for their .media market of Louisiana, East Texas and Arkansas and his hairstyle conforms to their hlgh standards. Can he point and read NOAA weather forecasts?

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Hey, I was born six months after my parents were married and weighed almost eight pounds. It's a good thing that I was so premature because there's no way my mother, who was all of 5'2" tall and 100 pounds would have been able to carry me to term.

      1. trampndirtdown

        I threw my parents a 50th anniversary party a few years ago, and was standing next to my brother, who had turned 51 the day before. I said " Hey wait a second if you're 51…." and he said " Nice catch moron, that only took you 40 years too figure out?"

  11. kittensdontlie

    TMZ needs to jazz up their headlines a la Daily Caller style, for example:

    Sarah Palin's Son Twig Twat Twack (Headed) Hurdles for Divorce Court

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      Why don't you spend that on somebody who committed genocide or atrocities or something? In this precious season, you could thank her for her part in Obama's '08 victory.

  12. Barbara_

    He was married 18 months to his high school sweetheart? Wow, the marriage lasted longer than any of the Palin clan lasted in high school.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      If she's read the directions, she would've known that it wouldn't work when worn on your finger, but then, reading and all that fancy stuff isn't really big in 'Laska.

  13. chascates

    The worst person I know
    Now she worries me so

    If she would leave us alone
    We'd have a happy home
    Sent from down below
    Mother-in-law, ha ha ha
    Mother-in-law, ha ha

    Satan should be her name
    Mother-in-law (she's a mother)
    (A mother-in-law)

    1. Guppy

      She thinks her advice
      Is the Constitution
      But if she would leave
      That should be the solution

      And never come back no more

  14. coolhandnuke

    Didn't the Feds fork over mega billions to TARP back in 2007. It sounds good in theory, yet I don't think you can throw money at or cure a Troubled Asshat Republican Progeny.

  15. corthylio

    Crikey- is that the wedding photo? They must have saved a bundle on the florist bill.

    I reckon they spent it all on ammo for the shotgun. And the helicopter…

  16. dadanarchistmk2

    "We have never seen people plan to go back to college so much as Palin spawn and their beloveds. Really, honestly, there’s community colleges everywhere. You don’t have to get in, you just go sign up."

    The university (a real, accredited, brick n' mortar) I teach at offers numerous online courses toward the B.A. in a number of fields, so they could still sit on their couch/snowmobile/moose and drink Keystone Light/paint-thinner/Fermented Wolf Jizz while snorting Crank/Oxy/Powdered Seal Taint, with their idiot spawn crawling around like lemurs, and still be working to a degree.

    I'll even send them the information.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      The key mistake you've made is assuming that these shitty semi-sentient shaven apes actually want to learn something. Oh gosh, no – far easier to claim to want to learn since that might half-scam you into a reality TV show or some grifting bullshit like that. Actual knowledge or education? That's for weird people.

      1. dadanarchistmk2

        Much higher, actually, because it's a real university and not a diploma mill. We actually graduate slightly better than the institution as a whole, but they do take longer.

    2. BlueStateLibel

      "idiot spawn crawling around like lemurs" – I'm going to have to remember that description next time I visit the family.

    3. Steverino247

      "Fermented Wolf Jizz" and "Powdered Seal Taint"

      Now, there's two products you don't hear much about…

  17. Blunderthing

    Well, you can't shake the snowbilly grifter tree and expect a community-college-going-boy named after an all purpose outdoor covering to fall out. Oh wait. Yes you can.

  18. dadanarchistmk2

    Track could go to college, dropout, and sue for $75,000 when he objects to being taught in either Sociology or Biology that your sister's secret shame-baby is your nephew, not your brother.

    (Sully libel!)

  19. memzilla

    Completely O/T, but Elizabeth Warren has been appointed to the Senate Banking Committee by Harry Reid.


    Who wants to bet me that bank stocks will fall by 5% on tomorrow's open?

        1. glasspusher

          Thanks for the link. Loved the comments. One of my favorites was:

          The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.

    1. fuflans

      and you know what, if they hadn't been such short-sighted dicks, she would have been a bureaucrat for likely 2 to 4 years.

      now she's a senator from MA, a true blue FDR libtard and she's never going away.

  20. TootsStansbury

    Sheeeeit. I had to work all day and miss all the goodness on my Wonkette and I'm stuck with a Palin post? So who gets custody of l'il Tweeker?

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      Wrote a song fer ya…………………….

      A Day in the Wonkette

      The day began with Taylor
      'bout Bamz the tokin prez
      He's a Marxist, needs a teleprompter
      and a Muslin in a fez

      All I get is a Palin post, Palin post.
      Grifters on the loose
      All I get is a Palin post, Palin post
      blowjobs for a moose.

      Kris then told of vouchers
      and the poorz who need them sent
      A 'speriment in Minnesota
      Buy a pill or pay the rent.

      All I get ………..etc

      The boss told of a weatheratrix
      short hair and mocha hue
      fired for a facebook post
      sensible and true.

      All I get ………..etc.

      Rich called up a monster
      not Nessie, Gojira or Grendel
      From the website Daily Caller
      The horror of Bobby Jindal

      All I get ………..etc

      The bright spot of the day
      was weed and Jimmy Carter
      Everyone torched a ……uh….
      uh……uh……..something…..fergit the rest
      doesn't rhyme either

      All I get ………..etc

      Then there was a crashing set
      and shoes flying through the air
      Romney Advisor and Fiscal Cliff
      and no one even cared.

      All I get ………..etc

      Dok dove into metaphors
      Incoherent obfuscation
      You know 'em, you hate 'em
      The Heritage Foundation

      All I get ………..etc

      Snipy grossed us out
      With Senatorial 3-Way
      Senile, Crazy and Asshole
      None of them are gay.

      All I get ………..etc

      Felony Assault is a topic
      often stifling snark
      Fucker should die-in-a-fyre
      Who's got the spark?

      All I get ………..etc

      Taylor returns to inform
      that academic requirements are passe
      Don't have to listen to problems
      if the subject is gaii

      All I get ………..etc

      Jeff told of a Detroit pundit
      and the smoke that he was blowin
      non-opinion, false equivalency, feigning neutrality
      the poor man's Richard Cohen

    2. Veritas78

      I am so wicha, Toots. I personally work all day, sixteen tons, deeper in debt, company store, same ol', same ol', and when I gits home, Wonkette done took all de funny, as "they" say.

      Might I suggest that we chaps form something akin to a "union!" Might we wear placards and such? With slogans such as "Hold your bon mots, comrades! We've a commute home to make!" It is a bother to fit one's Wonkettiasma in between a day at the hedge fund and sherry with the lads, in whatever mode of deshabille they might be.

      Rest assured, your "l'il Tweeker" is safe with me!—if you catch my drift and I think you do. Martini?

    3. TootsStansbury

      I don't usually post until I am fully coffeed up but the replies to my yawp are so full of teh awesomes. I'm out on my porch drinking coffee and laughing my head off!

  21. GortRay

    Track and his brothers Trudge and Turd are starting up a new meth lab in Wasilla and there ain't no gurls allowed!

  22. cousinitt

    Fractured Fairy Tale.

    "Meanwhile, Mercede Johnston, younger sister of Bristol Palin's baby daddy, Levi Johnston, recently joined the family businesses: posing nude and trashing the Palins.

    After Levi paved the way in Playgirl, demurely keeping his naughty bits to himself, Mercede has stripped for Playboy. The four-page photo spread, due Friday, is reportedly accompanied by an interview in which the 19-year-old calls Bristol a "sociopath" and alleges her brother and his future ex-fiancée planned to have a baby and were in fact "trying to conceive for months."

    1. docterry6973

      I wish I weren't an atheist, so I could pray that God will make all these people just go away and live their sad, sorry lives in silence.

    1. poorgradstudent

      I used to work for a small town newspaper for about three years. In those years among the staff of about eleven people, there were two having an affair with each other, one who was having an affair with someone outside the office, one who had an affair with someone outside the office which resulted in a pregnancy and was embezzling ad revenue and got off easy because the boss has a weird and apparently unrequited crush on her, and one who was an alcoholic and drug addict who stole petty cash from the front register to buy beer and brag about it.

      But for the most part they were really nice people, which is more than I can say for the Palins.

  23. anniegetyerfun

    You have to take tests to get into my local community colleges. That's why I never take classes there – I know I'd be thrown back to remedial math.

  24. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Obvs their marriage was undermined by all of those total fags in the next closest state getting married last Sunday. Way to go Washington!

  25. Limeylizzie

    Oh noooooooooooooooo! That is so sad and you are being mean , all of you, these are religious people, good Christians, well except for Mama Palin and she is just a downright, filthy, lying, cheating, ignorant, addlepated cunt.

    1. Tundra Grifter


      You were missed! How the heck are ya? Welcome back and all that! The party just hasn't been the same since you left.

      Everything else is pretty much the same, of course.

        1. Tundra Grifter

          Peachy – thanx for asking. Busy jumping the snark here on Wonkette.

          Pickin' cotton, raisin' Hell, and bailin' hay. The usual.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      "I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. "

      1. gullywompr

        My parents found my weed when I was a teen, and of course had to be responsible and confiscate it. I later found out they never actually disposed of it, except maybe in the sense that they consumed it.

        Then I had teens of my own, and what can I say, history repeats itself. Goddamn that chronic shit is strong.

        1. Biff

          My experience ended differently. My sister found mine, gave it to my brother to verify, and he gave it to my mother who in turn gave it to Officer Stadanko who gave me a ride to juvenile hall forever, the end.

          1. HistoriCat

            Well, thank goodness. You might have ended up jumping from a building or listening to that heathen rock and roll music or … or taking up with a fallen woman!

          2. Biff

            The story is a lot more convoluted than that, since dear old mother once sent me away for a spell to the Lagunitas compound of Big Brother and the Holding Company to experience gawd-knows-what at their somewhat more experienced hands, and later in life when she was dying of cancer she started smoking dope herself, but that's all fodder for another post, some other time…


    Thanksgiving's dinner was beyond the limit for Britta, when her mother-in-law cut the turkey's head with a guillotine while comparing Obama with Roberspierre.

  27. ProgressiveInga

    What, no live-blogging the Sandy 121212 concert? Wake up, sheeple! You're missing aging rock stars with their surgically-augmented teeth trying to look relevant while doing something honorable.

  28. glasspusher

    Wow, I have something in common with the Palins? I, too am planning on going back to college in the spring…only it'll be to teach graduate electrochemistry…

          1. glasspusher

            Thanks. I'm just an adjunct. My mom loves the bragging rights, though. I tell my classes the first day: I'm pretty informal, but I'll fail you just the same!

  29. Negropolis

    If these two kids can't make it, what hope is there for us?! I just don't know what to believe, anymore. That said, this can't come as a complete surprise. Palin's are famous for quitting things halfway through, except fucking.

  30. Aquarianne17

    Sarah, why should anyone listen to your drivel? Your children, Toenail and Liverpool, don't even listen.

  31. VodkaGoGo

    Damn, tried to make a t r i g joke and got shut down cold. The punchline was "Nothing, he's [redacted]."

  32. bobbert

    Tell you the truth, this gives me kinda sad. I don't know if either or both of these kids is a reactionary asshole, and that's kind of important — it means they've mostly kept their mouths shut, unlike GrannyTwat.

    As sorosbot pointed out, it's not surprising for a pregnancy-assisted post-teen marriage to fail, but it's still sad.

    1. Negropolis

      You don't want to see a marriage break up with a child involved, for sure, but Track has his own issues, which have been documented, and he sounds like he has quite a bit more growing up to do and a purpose to find. What's sad is that they both decided to bring a child into all of this.

      You know, maybe I'm judgemental on this issue, but I think society would be better off if immature 20-somethings without stable employement we're bringing pregnancies to term. They often think babies are stabilizing forces that bring couples closer. Well, they simply aren't if you aren't stable, yourself. In fact, they can excerbate issues with couples, and then the children are harmed in more ways than one. I've seen this happen far too often.

  33. dopper0189

    I know the GOP wants to be the big tent party, but isn't naming your kid "Tarp" taking that a little too literally?

  34. not that Dewey

    Attention, Wonketteers who use WordPress accounts to login to intensedebate and/or don't use Gravatard for yer Avatard (I can't tell which): your avatar pics all look like that weird green mosaicky thing, and your user profiles lead to dead links. At first I thought it was a one- or two-off glitch, but it seems to be a pattern. Hopefully it's just a glitch and I'm being alarmist for no reason. Because the alternative is that some peoples' entire comment histories are gone.

    Another piece of the puzzle: some users have "intensedebate/people/blahblahblah" and others have "intensedebate/profiles/blahblahblah". It seems to affect the latter.


    I'm sane, everyone else is crazy.

  35. BaldarTFlagass

    Does anyone else get this earworm when they read this post?

    ♫ Soy un perdedor
    I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? ♪
    (I'm a driver, I'm a winner; things are gonna change, I can feel it.)

  36. BaldarTFlagass

    "He’s a commercial fisherman and plans to go back to college."

    Well, we can certainly use more commercial fishermen who have associate's degrees.

  37. bearperney

    My wife and I traveled up from Missouri to tour Alaska a couple of years ago. Beautiful country up there, but, we were both amazed at how the people there were virtually identical to the people in our neighbor state to the south (Arkansas). I mean right down to old major appliances and dead cars laying around the property and etc. Uncanny!

  38. NinjaCat_Baba

    He will fit in, just right, at clown college. Track will continue the aPAuLIN family tradition as Publicity assClowns.

  39. mustangsavvy

    OMG I never saw this coming =( =( =(
    What a terrible never expected surprise for my Thursday morning!
    Are you gonna tell me next that Britney and K-Fed are getting a divorce too?!?! That will end my world.
    *rends garments* *gnashes teeth*

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