Virginia Congressman Rick Jim* Moran’s jerk son, Patrick, has pleaded guilty to an “embarrassing situation” of slamming his girlfriend’s head into a metal trash can grate. You may remember Patrick from his previous stint embarrassing his (Democrat) dad, for whom he worked, by not recognizing James O’Keefe for some reason, and allowing himself to be taped talking about awesome ways to vote illegally. (Since the raw tape went on for about 500 years, we could not possibly listen long enough to determine whether it was its usual James O’Keefiness, and just assumed that it was.)

After this latest “embarrassing situation,” in which cops said the younger Moran’s girlfriend was “bleeding heavily from her nose and also observed that her nose and right eye were extremely swollen,” Congressman Moran (again, “D”) released a statement describing the young couple as “good kids” and asked for privacy so they could put the “embarrassing situation” behind them.

Moran pleaded down from felony domestic violence assault to simple assault.

*When Dok Zoom called Frank Capra “Robert Capra” today, we almost had him summarily executed. That will show us.


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  • BaldarTFlagass

    No doubt they'll be short-strokin' the shit out of this like it was Tentpunchgate Redux over there at you-know-where.

    • Typical Librul wimmin-hatin' and how come they won't vote for US, stoopid chicks!

    • stefanbc

      Of course you know that both sides do it. And by that I mean one side feels it necessary to explain away their assholes or justify their behavior while the other unilaterally condemns the sociopaths in their camp. Same thing really.

    • GhostBuggy

      The Kehlsteinhaus?

  • CrunchyKnee

    Virginia is for beaters.

  • Lucidamente1

    Coming up: "How Obama won Virginia," a Fox News Special Investigation.

  • finallyhappy

    I think Son of Sam's parents used to call him a good kid when he was only doing simple assault

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Well, if you don't encourage them, how will they reach their full potential?

  • stefanbc

    Has anyone ever figured out who that nice man in the picture actually is? I'm pretty sure that he's owed a shit ton in royalties for the use of his image by now.

    Either that or he is safely ensconced in the Missouri state legislature and we won't see the likes of him until he tries to re-outlaw interracial marriage or something.

      • The whole interview is fucking hilarious.

        • I'm still not convinced it was one of the accidentally best internet trolls of all time, the way that puppy's become a meme.

        • bikerlaureate

          He's using that picture as his Twitter avatar!

          I know the US legal system has appalling problems… but for what is he gonna sue the photog and other "internet people", exactly?

      • stefanbc

        You are fucking kidding. Wasn't that the name of one of the deputies from RENO 911! ?

        BONUS: He's on twitter: @BirdsOnBats06

      • FeloniousMonk

        Oh, beautiful. "I'm in the process of suing that photographer and a bunch of internet people, if I can find a lawyer who'll represent me." It seems he has a problem with tenses as well as spelling. Hey, English Only guys, this is what you're agitating for.

      • Negropolis

        I met Randy at Busch Stadium earlier this season. After some prodding, he agreed to an interview on the condition that I buy him two KFC Famous Bowls™.


    • StillGoinGreen

      That's Joe the Plumber. That Cardinals shirt and cheesy Paul Snider mustache doesn't fool me for a second!

    • Of all places, a baaseball blog tracked him down:

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Too bad poster dude up there didn't go all phonetic and spell it Morahn.

    • That's how they spell in in Hollywood.

  • See liebruls? The Dems are conducting a wah on women, too. Sure it's not about birf control pill or abortion… see?

    Of course, the sad truf is that being an asshole is not limited to GOPers.

  • Is he embarrassed enough to hold a press conference wearing a bow tie and sweater vest?

  • CrunchyKnee

    "One of the ambulance technicians who transported her to Howard University Hospital told police that Moran appeared to have broken her nose and given her a skull fracture under her right eye."

    So, that is an embarrassing situation in Virginia? I'd hate to see what is considered mildly serious.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Mildly serious" is when someone farts in church.

    • Say, wasn't Harry Whittington shot in Virginia by Cheney?

      • That was in Texas, where shooting at people is just part of their lifestyle.

      • gullywompr

        No, in the face.

        Texas, also too.

  • mavenmaven

    Karie Kardasheman is not impressed. Like, other people get their heads smashed in, too.

  • Pookums

    Back when I was young I had to save my money and buy a courtin' buggy and prove my honorable intent.

    Kids these days have it so much easier, they can just beat the shit out of their love interest. I'm surprised it didn't get pled down to simple "she fell".

    • littlebigdaddy

      And we have heard about the onion on the belt.

  • One of the ambulance technicians who transported her to Howard University Hospital told police that Moran appeared to have broken her nose and given her a skull fracture under her right eye.

    Doesn't anybody just fuckin' walk away anymore? Jesus fuckin' Christ.

    • Not meaning to defend him, or her, but it's possible he finally just snapped. This might have been the first violence he's committed against her.

      • First of all, it's not relevant — you shouldn't get a pass for breaking your girlfriend's nose and fracturing her skull just 'cause it's the first time.

        Second, if you reach the point where smashing your girlfriend's head into a trashcan grate and breaking her nose and fracturing her skull seems like a reasonable option, then you should not be going out with said girlfriend, period. Boyfriend too, also. Just fuckin' break up. There are better ways to go through life than on the verge of violence at someone you allegedly love.

        • I can't believe you guys are having a fucking debate about this.

      • FeloniousMonk

        This is the second time in three days I've read a post five or six times trying to figure out whether or not I'm missing the sarcasm. The first was Rebecca's article about the 14 year old actor saying something silly, and she came by and yelled at us about it, so I could rest my feeble brain. In this case:
        In the red corner, actor212, weighing in at 137p.
        In the blue corner, SayItWithWookies, weighing in at 130p.
        I want a clean fight, and no hitting below the belt.

        • Vecchiojohn

          "I want a clean fight, and no hitting below the belt."

          You've come to the wrong place.

    • axonneuron

      Being a douche bag he probably cornered her and administered the beating, or, as it's known in some circles, a "Home Correction". ….or maybe "Attitude Adjustment".

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm still sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck a "trash can grate" is.

    • gullywompr

      The trash cans themselves are just plastic, mass-produced items. On the streets of DC, they are placed inside holders made out of steel slats, and painted a tasteful shade of hunter green. They're really quite nice.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Well…at least he loved her enough to slam her into the very best.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Thanks. I was thinking, "A grate on a trash can? Down here that's what we call a 'bar-b-q pit.'"

        • Jus_Wonderin

          In Louisana it's the makin's of a high class outhouse.

    • sullivanst

      "A useful weapon when your woman's outta line"
      — Patrick Moran.

    • finallyhappy

      Trash can cage is what the article says- that way he couldn't pick up the whole trash can and hit her with it. Actually, I know what it is- they are locked around trash cans but I think to keep the cans from falling over.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Women are for hugging not punching.
    Monsieur Grumpe

  • Baconzgood

    ahhhhhhh. Woman beating. When I hear this shit it drains my snark.

    • Snark's energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the snark around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes.

  • Note to Patrick Moran: You never go full Rollerball.

  • …down into an open door.

  • smellypossum

    Good thing Boehner and Company are killin' the Violence Against Women Act… that way felony domestic violence charges against asshat can be smoothly shifted to felony clumsiness (or bad decision-making) charges against his girlfriend.

  • finallyhappy
    • ::blink::

      Well, I mean, it's only the second divorce in that family, but still…

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Britta…his wife's name was Britta? Was she unable to filter out the Palin spawn gene?

      • finallyhappy

        and she had a baby in 3 months. I mean she wouldn't have gotten pregnant before marriage, right! a full size miracle baby in 3 months.

        • bikerlaureate

          The couple married in May 2011 and they have a 16-month-old daughter.

          Goldarn it, you're right. August birth…
          I want to hear Mama Grifter lecture us some more about abstinence, and instilling traditional Amercian values in your kids, and the importance of two-parent homes!

    • BornInATrailer

      I'd forgotten the wife was named after a tap water treatment device.

    • LesBontemps

      It was a May-December romance. May 2011 to December 2012.

    • LesBontemps

      I'm still disappointed they didn't name their daughter Toolshed.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Or, after Grandma's voice – Bandsaw.

    • mavenmaven

      At least no one wasted a lot of money on wedding gowns or a reception.

    • Her minister father, who was so happy to have his clan joined in holy matrimony with the Palins, must have a confused.

      And, by the way, Associated Press, everyone in Alaska knows that 9/11 had nothing to do with Track Palin's enlistment. Unless it meant something to the judge who gave him the Army or Juvie choice for vandalizing school buses. Nevah forget.

      • bobbert

        "The 9/11 attacks prompted Track Palin to enlist in the Army and he spent a year deployed in Iraq. When his mother was the GOP vice presidential candidate in 2008, she spoke at his deployment ceremony in Fairbanks,"

        Yeah, the 9/11 attacks that happened when he was 12 prompted him to enlist.

        • I didn't even bother to calculate that. LOL!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Britta should be thankful there aren't any trash grates nearby.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    She put horseradish on Patick's sandwich. He hates horseradish.

  • LesBontemps

    Wow, I didn't even know you could plead a felony domestic violence charge down to "embarassing situation." Now everyone is gonna want that deal.

    • prommie

      Its enough to make you lose faith in the integrity and impartiality of the justice system here in these United States, that such a travesty could be allowed to occur.

  • calliecallie

    She needs to make better decisions.

    • Yes, Dana Perino said so.

    • bikerlaureate

      Such as granting an interview to Madame Perino, the Heartless Misogynist – after she's discharged?

  • BlueStateLibel

    OT: John Boehner has just proposed a wonderful Fiscal Cliff "deal": make the Bush tax cuts for the rich permanent. While he's at it, why doesn't he just add in that the election be overturned and Romney be sworn in immediately as POTUS, oh, and make Christian fundamentalism the state religion?

    • prommie

      Well, you have to admit, its a totally reasonable and bi-partisan proposal!

      • And a last-ditch effort to get him reelected speaker?

    • bikerlaureate

      The loons are right – the President is totally in the wrong for not cooperating with these magnanimous patriots!

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Congressman Moran (again, “D”) released a statement describing the young couple as “good kids” and asked for privacy so they could put the “embarrassing situation” behind them.

    Does this sort of thing work for people who aren't members of Congress? If so it would be damned convenient, "Yes your honor, I was jacked up on Adderall and Southern Comfort when I blew through that school zone at 135 MPH, but I'm a good guy and would like some privacy so I can put this embarrassing situation behind me."

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Well, at 135 MPH, I bet that situation was a good bit behind him before (if) he stopped.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Felony domestic violence probably doesn't require the party who got beaten up to press charges. Chances are the DA can just go with it based on the available evidence.

    On the other hand, "simple" assault probably does. (I am not an attorney and I do not play one on tv.)

    My point is the difference here could be huge.

    • prommie

      Yes indeedy, criminal charges are not the "prioperty" of the victim, it is the State representing society that has the interest in punishing misdeeds and promoting a safe and peaceful society.

    • Guppy

      What part of "Daddy is an MC" are you failing to grasp?

  • gullywompr

    If she had been carrying a gun, this could have been avoided.

  • LesBontemps

    This never would have happened if she had just shut the fuck up and made him a sammich.

    • Shypixel

      Who has a metal grate on their garbage can in the kitchen anyways, right?

  • prommie

    Apparently congenital redneckery just cannot be denied; no matter how much you try to dress it up, its gonna break out sometime, somehow.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm sure that if this story is reported on Yahoo, at least 40% of the commenters will say she probably had it coming, unless they caught the Democrat part.

    • Mojopo

      About once a month I peep at Yahoo comments. Could it be more hateful and ignorant there? I think no, not possible.

    • In which case, DEATH PENALTY.

  • fawkedifiknow

    You'd know it was a Republican if his explanation was: "She asked for it."

  • Shypixel

    We here in Montana fondly remember our last Governer, Judy Martz(R).

    She once famously said, while addressing a group of women against domestic abuse:

    "My husband has never raised a hand to me, but then I've never given him a reason to."

    There is just no place in today's world for such timeless wisdom. *sigh*

  • b[redact]opple

    Who is Rick Moran? My congressman's name is Jim.

    • gullywompr

      Wasn't he Dark Helmet in Spaceballs?

      • finallyhappy

        Rick Moranis- but close

    • StillGoinGreen

      I started to bring that up, then I saw who wrote the piece and decided I didn't really want the stripes on my back today. Now, politely get on your knees with your shirt pulled over your head. It hurts a little less if you bite a wooden spoon.

  • Never thought I'd be saying this, but Get a Brain, Morans, indeed. That teabagger was a true prophet.

  • I blame public schools and the day they took prayer and the ten commandments and mandatory "Amen"'s away from em.

    God-fearin' principles, had they stayed in place, would ensure our kids today know right from wrong way to treat each other.
    And if you don't agree I'll rap you across the knuckles with this ruler til you "get the spirit" of my message.

  • Is it really Patrick Moran's fault that his girlfriend doesn't know when to shut up? I mean, he wouldn't hurt her if he didn't love her, right? That's the Southern way.

    • Negropolis

      How dare that broad have the nerve to confront her husband for flirting with another woman right in front of her. The gall!

  • pdiddycornchips

    Asshole son of privilege needs his ass kicked and not with votes.

  • Mojopo

    Embarrassing situation? No. An embarrassing situation is lurking on Grindr with your pal "Juan" and then you see your old boss. Assault is still assault, Virginia!

  • Maybe Young Moran is part of the War on Christmas. Ever think of that, HUH?!

  • Mojopo

    Maybe this is just way to crazy to consider, for the South, but gee – doesn't he deserve to be completely humiliated for this dick move?

  • DahBoner

    ….so he said you have acute angina.


  • rickmaci

    Are you sure he wasn't talking about Frank Zappa?

  • rickmaci

    They wouldn't be messing with the Morans if Bugs were still alive.

  • Vecchiojohn

    “Embarrassing situation” is such a harsh phrase. Can't we just all agree that this was a minor faux pas?

  • BZ1

    Just how far does Redneckville extend?

  • Negropolis


    One of the ambulance technicians who transported her to Howard University Hospital told police that Moran appeared to have broken her nose and given her a skull fracture under her right eye.

    Moran was arrested for felony domestic violence assault, but pleaded the charge down to simple assault today. He was sentenced to probation.

    I can't snark about this. Probation? Really?

  • ttommyunger

    I blame Obama.

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