THE HAND GOES UP THE MOUTH GOES SHUT  3:55 pm December 12, 2012

Hasn’t Moran’s Jerk Son Suffered Enough Through ‘Embarrassing Situation’ Of Beating Up Girlfriend?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Virginia Congressman Rick Jim* Moran’s jerk son, Patrick, has pleaded guilty to an “embarrassing situation” of slamming his girlfriend’s head into a metal trash can grate. You may remember Patrick from his previous stint embarrassing his (Democrat) dad, for whom he worked, by not recognizing James O’Keefe for some reason, and allowing himself to be taped talking about awesome ways to vote illegally. (Since the raw tape went on for about 500 years, we could not possibly listen long enough to determine whether it was its usual James O’Keefiness, and just assumed that it was.)

After this latest “embarrassing situation,” in which cops said the younger Moran’s girlfriend was “bleeding heavily from her nose and also observed that her nose and right eye were extremely swollen,” Congressman Moran (again, “D”) released a statement describing the young couple as “good kids” and asked for privacy so they could put the “embarrassing situation” behind them.

Moran pleaded down from felony domestic violence assault to simple assault.

*When Dok Zoom called Frank Capra “Robert Capra” today, we almost had him summarily executed. That will show us.

[WashingtonCityPaper]

 
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{ 107 comments }

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:00 pm

No doubt they'll be short-strokin' the shit out of this like it was Tentpunchgate Redux over there at you-know-where.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Typical Librul wimmin-hatin' and how come they won't vote for US, stoopid chicks!

stefanbc December 12, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Of course you know that both sides do it. And by that I mean one side feels it necessary to explain away their assholes or justify their behavior while the other unilaterally condemns the sociopaths in their camp. Same thing really.

GhostBuggy December 12, 2012 at 4:35 pm

The Kehlsteinhaus?

CrunchyKnee December 12, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Virginia is for beaters.

Lucidamente1 December 12, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Coming up: "How Obama won Virginia," a Fox News Special Investigation.

finallyhappy December 12, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I think Son of Sam's parents used to call him a good kid when he was only doing simple assault

GunToting[Redacted] December 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Well, if you don't encourage them, how will they reach their full potential?

stefanbc December 12, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Has anyone ever figured out who that nice man in the picture actually is? I'm pretty sure that he's owed a shit ton in royalties for the use of his image by now.

Either that or he is safely ensconced in the Missouri state legislature and we won't see the likes of him until he tries to re-outlaw interracial marriage or something.

iburl December 12, 2012 at 4:06 pm
ManchuCandidate December 12, 2012 at 4:11 pm

The whole interview is fucking hilarious.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I'm still not convinced it was one of the accidentally best internet trolls of all time, the way that puppy's become a meme.

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 6:01 pm

He's using that picture as his Twitter avatar!

I know the US legal system has appalling problems… but for what is he gonna sue the photog and other "internet people", exactly?

stefanbc December 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

You are fucking kidding. Wasn't that the name of one of the deputies from RENO 911! ?

BONUS: He's on twitter: @BirdsOnBats06

FeloniousMonk December 12, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Oh, beautiful. "I'm in the process of suing that photographer and a bunch of internet people, if I can find a lawyer who'll represent me." It seems he has a problem with tenses as well as spelling. Hey, English Only guys, this is what you're agitating for.

Negropolis December 13, 2012 at 12:23 am

I met Randy at Busch Stadium earlier this season. After some prodding, he agreed to an interview on the condition that I buy him two KFC Famous Bowls™.

ROTFLMAO!

StillGoinGreen December 12, 2012 at 4:08 pm

That's Joe the Plumber. That Cardinals shirt and cheesy Paul Snider mustache doesn't fool me for a second!

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Of all places, a baaseball blog tracked him down:
http://mlb.sbnation.com/2011/7/17/2279239/get-a-b

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Too bad poster dude up there didn't go all phonetic and spell it Morahn.

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

That's how they spell in in Hollywood.

ManchuCandidate December 12, 2012 at 4:02 pm

See liebruls? The Dems are conducting a wah on women, too. Sure it's not about birf control pill or abortion… see?

Of course, the sad truf is that being an asshole is not limited to GOPers.

iburl December 12, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Is he embarrassed enough to hold a press conference wearing a bow tie and sweater vest?

CrunchyKnee December 12, 2012 at 4:04 pm

"One of the ambulance technicians who transported her to Howard University Hospital told police that Moran appeared to have broken her nose and given her a skull fracture under her right eye."

So, that is an embarrassing situation in Virginia? I'd hate to see what is considered mildly serious.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:07 pm

"Mildly serious" is when someone farts in church.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Say, wasn't Harry Whittington shot in Virginia by Cheney?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm

That was in Texas, where shooting at people is just part of their lifestyle.

gullywompr December 12, 2012 at 4:28 pm

No, in the face.

Texas, also too.

mavenmaven December 12, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Karie Kardasheman is not impressed. Like, other people get their heads smashed in, too.

Pookums December 12, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Back when I was young I had to save my money and buy a courtin' buggy and prove my honorable intent.

Kids these days have it so much easier, they can just beat the shit out of their love interest. I'm surprised it didn't get pled down to simple "she fell".

littlebigdaddy December 12, 2012 at 4:54 pm

And we have heard about the onion on the belt.

SayItWithWookies December 12, 2012 at 4:06 pm

One of the ambulance technicians who transported her to Howard University Hospital told police that Moran appeared to have broken her nose and given her a skull fracture under her right eye.

Doesn't anybody just fuckin' walk away anymore? Jesus fuckin' Christ.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Not meaning to defend him, or her, but it's possible he finally just snapped. This might have been the first violence he's committed against her.

SayItWithWookies December 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm

First of all, it's not relevant — you shouldn't get a pass for breaking your girlfriend's nose and fracturing her skull just 'cause it's the first time.

Second, if you reach the point where smashing your girlfriend's head into a trashcan grate and breaking her nose and fracturing her skull seems like a reasonable option, then you should not be going out with said girlfriend, period. Boyfriend too, also. Just fuckin' break up. There are better ways to go through life than on the verge of violence at someone you allegedly love.

Chet Kincaid_ December 12, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I can't believe you guys are having a fucking debate about this.

FeloniousMonk December 12, 2012 at 8:18 pm

This is the second time in three days I've read a post five or six times trying to figure out whether or not I'm missing the sarcasm. The first was Rebecca's article about the 14 year old actor saying something silly, and she came by and yelled at us about it, so I could rest my feeble brain. In this case:
In the red corner, actor212, weighing in at 137p.
In the blue corner, SayItWithWookies, weighing in at 130p.
I want a clean fight, and no hitting below the belt.

Vecchiojohn December 12, 2012 at 9:59 pm

"I want a clean fight, and no hitting below the belt."

You've come to the wrong place.

axonneuron December 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Being a douche bag he probably cornered her and administered the beating, or, as it's known in some circles, a "Home Correction". ….or maybe "Attitude Adjustment".

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I'm still sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck a "trash can grate" is.

gullywompr December 12, 2012 at 4:10 pm

The trash cans themselves are just plastic, mass-produced items. On the streets of DC, they are placed inside holders made out of steel slats, and painted a tasteful shade of hunter green. They're really quite nice.

Dashboard Buddha December 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Well…at least he loved her enough to slam her into the very best.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Thanks. I was thinking, "A grate on a trash can? Down here that's what we call a 'bar-b-q pit.'"

Jus_Wonderin December 12, 2012 at 4:28 pm

In Louisana it's the makin's of a high class outhouse.

sullivanst December 12, 2012 at 4:13 pm

"A useful weapon when your woman's outta line"
– Patrick Moran.

finallyhappy December 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Trash can cage is what the article says- that way he couldn't pick up the whole trash can and hit her with it. Actually, I know what it is- they are locked around trash cans but I think to keep the cans from falling over.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 12, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Women are for hugging not punching.
Monsieur Grumpe

Baconzgood December 12, 2012 at 4:06 pm

ahhhhhhh. Woman beating. When I hear this shit it drains my snark.

iburl December 13, 2012 at 2:03 am

Snark's energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the snark around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Note to Patrick Moran: You never go full Rollerball.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:07 pm

…down into an open door.

smellypossum December 12, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Good thing Boehner and Company are killin' the Violence Against Women Act… that way felony domestic violence charges against asshat can be smoothly shifted to felony clumsiness (or bad decision-making) charges against his girlfriend.

finallyhappy December 12, 2012 at 4:08 pm
actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:14 pm

::blink::

Well, I mean, it's only the second divorce in that family, but still…

Dashboard Buddha December 12, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Britta…his wife's name was Britta? Was she unable to filter out the Palin spawn gene?

finallyhappy December 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm

and she had a baby in 3 months. I mean she wouldn't have gotten pregnant before marriage, right! a full size miracle baby in 3 months.

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm

The couple married in May 2011 and they have a 16-month-old daughter.

Goldarn it, you're right. August birth…
I want to hear Mama Grifter lecture us some more about abstinence, and instilling traditional Amercian values in your kids, and the importance of two-parent homes!

BornInATrailer December 12, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I'd forgotten the wife was named after a tap water treatment device.

LesBontemps December 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

It was a May-December romance. May 2011 to December 2012.

LesBontemps December 12, 2012 at 4:28 pm

I'm still disappointed they didn't name their daughter Toolshed.

Dashboard Buddha December 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Or, after Grandma's voice – Bandsaw.

mavenmaven December 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

At least no one wasted a lot of money on wedding gowns or a reception.

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Her minister father, who was so happy to have his clan joined in holy matrimony with the Palins, must have a confused.

And, by the way, Associated Press, everyone in Alaska knows that 9/11 had nothing to do with Track Palin's enlistment. Unless it meant something to the judge who gave him the Army or Juvie choice for vandalizing school buses. Nevah forget.

bobbert December 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm

"The 9/11 attacks prompted Track Palin to enlist in the Army and he spent a year deployed in Iraq. When his mother was the GOP vice presidential candidate in 2008, she spoke at his deployment ceremony in Fairbanks,"

Yeah, the 9/11 attacks that happened when he was 12 prompted him to enlist.

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I didn't even bother to calculate that. LOL!

Dashboard Buddha December 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Britta should be thankful there aren't any trash grates nearby.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:08 pm

She put horseradish on Patick's sandwich. He hates horseradish.

LesBontemps December 12, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Wow, I didn't even know you could plead a felony domestic violence charge down to "embarassing situation." Now everyone is gonna want that deal.

prommie December 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Its enough to make you lose faith in the integrity and impartiality of the justice system here in these United States, that such a travesty could be allowed to occur.

calliecallie December 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm

She needs to make better decisions.

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Yes, Dana Perino said so.

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Such as granting an interview to Madame Perino, the Heartless Misogynist – after she's discharged?

BlueStateLibel December 12, 2012 at 4:11 pm

OT: John Boehner has just proposed a wonderful Fiscal Cliff "deal": make the Bush tax cuts for the rich permanent. While he's at it, why doesn't he just add in that the election be overturned and Romney be sworn in immediately as POTUS, oh, and make Christian fundamentalism the state religion?

prommie December 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Well, you have to admit, its a totally reasonable and bi-partisan proposal!

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm

And a last-ditch effort to get him reelected speaker?

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 5:54 pm

The loons are right – the President is totally in the wrong for not cooperating with these magnanimous patriots!

Wile E. Quixote December 12, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Congressman Moran (again, “D”) released a statement describing the young couple as “good kids” and asked for privacy so they could put the “embarrassing situation” behind them.

Does this sort of thing work for people who aren't members of Congress? If so it would be damned convenient, "Yes your honor, I was jacked up on Adderall and Southern Comfort when I blew through that school zone at 135 MPH, but I'm a good guy and would like some privacy so I can put this embarrassing situation behind me."

Jus_Wonderin December 12, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Well, at 135 MPH, I bet that situation was a good bit behind him before (if) he stopped.

Tundra Grifter December 12, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Felony domestic violence probably doesn't require the party who got beaten up to press charges. Chances are the DA can just go with it based on the available evidence.

On the other hand, "simple" assault probably does. (I am not an attorney and I do not play one on tv.)

My point is the difference here could be huge.

prommie December 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Yes indeedy, criminal charges are not the "prioperty" of the victim, it is the State representing society that has the interest in punishing misdeeds and promoting a safe and peaceful society.

Guppy December 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm

What part of "Daddy is an MC" are you failing to grasp?

gullywompr December 12, 2012 at 4:12 pm

If she had been carrying a gun, this could have been avoided.

LesBontemps December 12, 2012 at 4:12 pm

This never would have happened if she had just shut the fuck up and made him a sammich.

Shypixel December 12, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Who has a metal grate on their garbage can in the kitchen anyways, right?

prommie December 12, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Apparently congenital redneckery just cannot be denied; no matter how much you try to dress it up, its gonna break out sometime, somehow.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I'm sure that if this story is reported on Yahoo, at least 40% of the commenters will say she probably had it coming, unless they caught the Democrat part.

Mojopo December 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

About once a month I peep at Yahoo comments. Could it be more hateful and ignorant there? I think no, not possible.

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm

In which case, DEATH PENALTY.

fawkedifiknow December 12, 2012 at 4:15 pm

You'd know it was a Republican if his explanation was: "She asked for it."

Shypixel December 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm

We here in Montana fondly remember our last Governer, Judy Martz(R).

She once famously said, while addressing a group of women against domestic abuse:

"My husband has never raised a hand to me, but then I've never given him a reason to."

There is just no place in today's world for such timeless wisdom. *sigh*

b[redact]opple December 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Who is Rick Moran? My congressman's name is Jim.

gullywompr December 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Wasn't he Dark Helmet in Spaceballs?

finallyhappy December 12, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Rick Moranis- but close

StillGoinGreen December 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I started to bring that up, then I saw who wrote the piece and decided I didn't really want the stripes on my back today. Now, politely get on your knees with your shirt pulled over your head. It hurts a little less if you bite a wooden spoon.

Rebootably_Joe December 12, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Never thought I'd be saying this, but Get a Brain, Morans, indeed. That teabagger was a true prophet.

Mumbletypeg December 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I blame public schools and the day they took prayer and the ten commandments and mandatory "Amen"'s away from em.

God-fearin' principles, had they stayed in place, would ensure our kids today know right from wrong way to treat each other.
And if you don't agree I'll rap you across the knuckles with this ruler til you "get the spirit" of my message.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Is it really Patrick Moran's fault that his girlfriend doesn't know when to shut up? I mean, he wouldn't hurt her if he didn't love her, right? That's the Southern way.

Negropolis December 13, 2012 at 12:48 am

How dare that broad have the nerve to confront her husband for flirting with another woman right in front of her. The gall!

pdiddycornchips December 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Asshole son of privilege needs his ass kicked and not with votes.

Mojopo December 12, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Embarrassing situation? No. An embarrassing situation is lurking on Grindr with your pal "Juan" and then you see your old boss. Assault is still assault, Virginia!

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Maybe Young Moran is part of the War on Christmas. Ever think of that, HUH?!

Mojopo December 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Maybe this is just way to crazy to consider, for the South, but gee – doesn't he deserve to be completely humiliated for this dick move?

DahBoner December 12, 2012 at 5:27 pm

….so he said you have acute angina.

WHAT THE HELL?

rickmaci December 12, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Are you sure he wasn't talking about Frank Zappa?

rickmaci December 12, 2012 at 6:03 pm

They wouldn't be messing with the Morans if Bugs were still alive.

Vecchiojohn December 12, 2012 at 10:21 pm

“Embarrassing situation” is such a harsh phrase. Can't we just all agree that this was a minor faux pas?

BZ1 December 12, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Just how far does Redneckville extend?

Negropolis December 13, 2012 at 12:18 am

Classy.

One of the ambulance technicians who transported her to Howard University Hospital told police that Moran appeared to have broken her nose and given her a skull fracture under her right eye.

Moran was arrested for felony domestic violence assault, but pleaded the charge down to simple assault today. He was sentenced to probation.

I can't snark about this. Probation? Really?

ttommyunger December 13, 2012 at 7:22 am

I blame Obama.

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