WONKETTE FINANCIAL ADVICE SERIES  4:30 pm December 12, 2012

Enterprising Student Gets Paid for Being Offended by Coursework She Chose

by Taylor Huffman

Short on cash? Did you know that some so-called “academic institutions” have outrageous requirements for students in their counseling programs – like they have to actually try to listen to people’s problems, regardless of what they are, sometimes even with empathy? Or that these same institutions don’t want to accept your unrelated beliefs as an excuse for not mastering every aspect of a given subject? Luckily, universities everywhere want to make students learn everything on their curriculum before they hand out degrees – a dumb mistake that can be exploited by YOU!

If you’re as shrewd and exploitative as former Eastern Michigan University student Julea Ward, you can just sue your stupid school for intolerance toward your beliefs after they insist you complete course requirements – since lawyers are so expensive, they’ll probably just give you the money! ($75,000, in Ward’s case.)

Here’s how to get in on Ward’s racket: you will have to join a university counseling program, like Ward did, or perhaps something that leads to another profession with a similar code of ethics. Once in this position, refuse to carry out assignments that demonstrate your ability to adhere to the profession’s code of ethics – maybe, for example, you could counsel some gay to stop being so gay if he wants society to accept him or whatever, and tell him you haven’t any better ideas to offer, ho ho! Gayness may be your best line of attack in baiting the school into reprimanding your ethics violation, since so many religions hate gays and religion is a foolproof shield for people who want to discriminate without being discriminated against. When the school acts against you, you’ll want to get a hold of a crack lawyer team known for expanding the extremely narrow freedoms of Christian Americans.

It is, at this point, crucial that you point out you would have been willing to do the assignment that tramples all over your religious freedoms, just not remotely the way it was assigned.

In a YouTube video for the Alliance Defense Fund, Ward said that she “never refused to counsel homosexuals” but “had simply refused to affirm their lifestyle.”

See, you want to ensure you clarify this point: in the case of counseling, you are totally willing to treat a homosexual patient, as long as you don’t have to address their problems in depth like you would with a heterosexual. After all, you’re the victim here! Remember, this is America, so you really want to lay on the “religious oppression” shtick thick if you want to intimidate your local University into funding life’s next crazy adventure.

How’s that for a recession stimulus?

[Edge on the Net]

 
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{ 134 comments }

finallyhappy December 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm

pretty sure she can get a degree in conversion therapy from Grove City or Regent

Fare la Volpe December 12, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I got mine in the box of Sugar Smacks.

Cleos_Mom December 13, 2012 at 11:12 am

She won't need to. In view of their kowtowing to her demands, the school she currently attends is apparently brain-dead enough.

Barbara_ December 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm

"………….because of my relationship with Christ."
Christ just isn't into you anymore. He's dumping you for a nicer, more tolerant person.

TheGyrus December 12, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Also, given that Christ had 12 male apostles, its pretty clear that he wasn't exactly into the chicks, if you know what I mean.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

MARY MAGDALENE LIBEL!

TheGyrus December 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Dude had more than one kind of beard, you know.

sewollef December 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Yeh, but she was a prozzie, so not sure she counts as a real woman with standards.

MisterCanoehead December 13, 2012 at 10:10 am

She wasn't a prozzie, she was a ginger.

BornInATrailer December 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

No kidding. Like being the fag-hag isn't already lacking enough in the fulfillment department, now she doesn't even get mentioned?

Tommy1733 December 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

His standards are too high; he will probably be single for a long time.

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Or she could "go" to the "University" of Phoenix or DeVry "Institute" and not have to attend classes at all because … too busy.

prommie December 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Oh no, I was driving up Route 1 just the other day, through New Brunswick, and DeVry is a "University" now also!

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Sweet Jeebus, that designation DOES still imply the awarding of advanced degrees, doesn't it?

Jennyjen798 December 12, 2012 at 8:28 pm

I guess it depends on the student at those types of places. One ex of mine went to Devry for game design. He managed to get a nice paying gig making games. His roomate was his classmate and fellow video game graduate. He sorts mail at a law office.

SoBeach December 12, 2012 at 4:35 pm

In a YouTube video for the Alliance Defense Fund, Ward said that she “never refused to counsel homosexuals” but “had simply refused to affirm their lifestyle.”

What the…?

In kollege I didn't refuse to take "discrete mathematical structures", I just refused to affirm the subject by passing it. Where's my check?

GunToting[Redacted] December 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Hey! I did the same thing in Bacterial Metabolism! That university owes me some money.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

When I was in the geology program, I refused to affirm plate tectonics or that the earth is a sphere or that our solar system is heliocentric. Magna Cum Laude, mothahfuckahs! Of course, University of Texas.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Magda Came Loudly in my dorm, too, big effin' deal.

Toomush_Infer December 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I had a classmate named Connie Lingus…

ButthurtWingers2012 December 14, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Well shit puddles…you coulda just said thoze rockz come from god makin' the planet 6,000 years ago and they current shape was from the great floodz of Noahz Arc…that would get you a thesis credit at Liberty…

Meathamper December 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm

In all fairness, math is pretty gay too.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm

"Pretty"?

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I always wanted to be a pharmacist that refused to fill Oxycontin prescriptions in Alabama! Now I can get paid not to do it! Thanks, Wonkette!

Boojum December 12, 2012 at 7:45 pm

There is no such thing. I can't even read that sentence without it making my head hurt.

janicket December 13, 2012 at 12:04 am

No, no, no! UR DOIN IT WRONG.

You refuse to fill the BIRTH CONTROL prescriptions. You gladly fill the OXYCONTIN prescriptions, especially if they're for an obese radio ranter.

Not_So_Much December 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

She's going to be a real asset to Dr. Bachmann's practice.

(Har — just kidding. She's not within the approved color spectrum for anything to do with that family.)

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Housekeeping?

sewollef December 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

She's not within the approved color spectrum for anything to do with that family

Exactly. She has a look of Pantone 133 to me. Trust me, I'm a designer…. it's not a good colour on a human asshole, sorry, republican theologist fundamentalist christian-type person.

Cleos_Mom December 13, 2012 at 11:14 am

But every Gawd-fearin' white family needs at least one "black friend". Maybe the Bachmanns will hire her as a housekeeper.

EatsBabyDingos December 12, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Like the lady at Gallaudet University in DC last fall, they both seem a little tone deaf to society.

Tundra Grifter December 12, 2012 at 4:59 pm

ISWYDT.

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 5:10 pm

IHWYDT.

GunToting[Redacted] December 12, 2012 at 4:37 pm

It's like a Scientologist psychologist telling someone with major depression to cheer the fuck up and get on with their lives.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

From a Simpsons episode, if memory serves:

Marge: Yes, Homer, I think I do have a gambling problem. I should get some counselling.
Homer: Counseling costs a lot of money. Just stop gambling.

doloras December 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm

It's like a Scientologist psychologist telling someone with major depression to pay $15,000 to the Church of Scientology to audit out their traumatic memories of being on the losing side of a laser-gun battle in some insane space empire 3 billion years ago.

/fify

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm

So awesome. (How well you put that and how ridiculous it is.)

sewollef December 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

That's been done…. but you don't get no monez, the Scientologists empty your bank accounts.

Negropolis December 13, 2012 at 12:02 am

No, no, silly. You have to get rid of the thetans, first, and then you can cheer the fuck up.

mavenmaven December 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

"she could not affirm their relationship because of her relationship with Christ"
Because Jesus explicitly spoke out against homosexuality in, um, I'm sure there's a source somewhere.

HateMachine December 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I'm pretty sure when they were nailing him to the cross, Jesus was heard to complain "This is so gay!"

Toomush_Infer December 12, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I'm not sure about that, but I know at some supper party he said: "Eat me"….

sewollef December 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm

So, this dipshit has a "relationship" with a fictitious sky fairy….. and she's complaining about the gheys?

Biel_ze_Bubba December 12, 2012 at 5:07 pm

If there's any counseling going on, this dingbat is on the wrong side of the couch.

oenspiek December 12, 2012 at 6:29 pm

"…Her relationship with Jesus"[?]

Is Julea Ward the one who broke up Jesus and Judas? If so, for shame, harlot!

Spider-Jerk December 12, 2012 at 8:41 pm

It must have been in that same sermon where he also crapped on poor people, derided social programs as tools of the communist devil, said to disregard his earlier statements about not throwing stones or murdering others, praised predatory capitalism, and finished up by telling everyone to get themselves a bunch of guns.

ManchuCandidate December 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I hope this leads to other precedents because I was offended by the low grades I got (and well earned, but that's NOT THE POINT) so I can sue my skule too.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Is this a law school she is attending? If so, they have their valedictorian.

EatsBabyDingos December 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I do not believe blah people exist, so how can I ride a unicorn, if you know what I mean.

Schmannnity December 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I wish I had known this sooner. I have very strong religious beliefs that do not comport with inorganic chemistry.

mull_man December 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Okay, Eastern Michiganders, just what is that GIANT phallus in the background at 2:33?

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I Felta Thi fraternity house.

GhostBuggy December 12, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Why, I believe that's the Ypsilanti water tower!

Ypsi is kind of a strange place. I've only visited, though, so maybe it's not.

Fare la Volpe December 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZecuV4s-1c

True story: I know a guy who knows the guy in this video. The entire town is bugfucking crazy.

Negropolis December 13, 2012 at 12:04 am

It's a strange place. It's the poor man's Ann Arbor or the Blah Ann Arbor, and maybe with an even more liberal edge.

GhostBuggy December 13, 2012 at 1:34 am

All I know is, when I visit my friend that lives there, we either hang out at his place or go to Ann Arbor. I think there's also a big beer festival in Ypsi that I somehow have never been to.

Fare la Volpe December 12, 2012 at 5:14 pm

The Kilpatrick Monument.

Mahousu December 12, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Don't worry about her job prospects; I understand Marcus Bachmann has an opening.

What's that, you say? Already filled? Repeatedly?

smellypossum December 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm

She wouldn't even tell her patients to pray away the gay?

Dang, there's a missed opportunity to fuck up someone's life under the guise of professional help.

But here's a pile of cash for you… you know, for your trouble and stuff.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Why? She got the school to pay away the gay!

Welfare queen…

Jus_Wonderin December 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Geez, it is Xmas. I could use 75K.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Bah! Not even enough for hookers and coke. Humbug!

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

You need to learn to drop your standards a bit, my friend.

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

I rent 'em by the gross.

Botlrokit December 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Let's say I'm a Christian doctor. If I cure gay AIDS, I am affirming their lifestyle.

Naturally, I refuse, because Jesus.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

But doesn't this raise the larger question of why a homosexual would go to Eastern Michigan University?

rickmaci December 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Because they are everywhere?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Eastern Michigan Universities?

Wile E. Quixote December 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

When did "religious freedumb" become an excuse for not doing your fucking job? I'm sick and tired of jackoffs like Ward, or the pharmacists who don't want to dispense Plan B or other birth control claiming that they don't have to because it would interfere with their religious freedumb. Talk about an entitlement mentality, the Jesus squeezers believe that they're entitled to whatever job they want, and if their moronic religious beliefs conflict with the duties of the job they believe that they're entitled to fuck off and still get paid.

sewollef December 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Jesus squeezers — I love it…. may I steal this phrase to use elsewhere?

And thanks for the post, spot on!

rickmaci December 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

They give hypocrisy a bad name.

MosesInvests December 12, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Yeah, it would be like me going to work at Burger King and refusing to make or serve bacon cheeseburgers because I keep kosher. Hello, that's one reason why I *don't* work at Burger King. Idiots.

Cleos_Mom December 13, 2012 at 11:18 am

Jesus told the 'rich young ruler' to sell all he had and give it to the poor. Imagine the reaction if he said that to the Gawd-fearin' Real Amurrcns contingent today. Their reaction would make their hatred for Pres. Obama look like mild annoyance in comparison.

LesBontemps December 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

I would counsel Ms. Ward to go fuck herself.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Many women have refused to affirm my heterosexuality. Can I sue them?

LesBontemps December 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Stop trying to cram your heterosexual lifestyle down their throats!

GhostBuggy December 12, 2012 at 5:08 pm

But that's the second best place to cram it! Or third, if you're into it.

Negropolis December 13, 2012 at 12:07 am

A hear that a woman's body has a way of shutting that whole process down.

emmelemm December 12, 2012 at 5:04 pm

If I attest to your heterosexuality, will you pay ME?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

You said you were running a tab.

JadedPreppy December 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

She needs to affirm that her eyebrows need to grow in and that Ronald McDonald is not an appropriate role model for plucking them. Meanwhile, she might enjoy learning homosexual counseling from Alexyss K. Tylor on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wM-pW0yEzFc

SayItWithWookies December 12, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Seventy-five grand to keep her from counseling elementary school students? Sounds like we all got a bargain.

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Exactly my thought.
I'm broke but I would find a dollar to donate to EMU to help offset this expense.
It stings up front, sometimes… but the emotional damage that would be done by the diabolically calculating Julea Ward can now avoided by any mental health administrator with principles above those of La Marcus.

And you know EMU and every other grad level will tighten up their prescreening procedures, if needed…

Monsieur_Grumpe December 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

She just wants to help people without any problems.

Jus_Wonderin December 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I do get it. I have always wanted to release an AAA game while sleeping late, napping, and then drinking myself to sleep again. Who can I sue that denied me that dream??

I think I am been damaged to the tune of several millions!

hollyrocks209 December 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm

This is like a bartender refusing to serve people drinks because it goes against his religious beliefs that people shouldn't drink alcohol. Hey, he can make great drinks… they just can't have booze in them.

Botlrokit December 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm

And here I wait, for the avalanche of evidence that sits in multilingual, accessible academic halls around the world to irrevocably prove to assholes like her, once and for all, that her religion may exist — but the god she worships doesn't.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I guess she was working on her PhD, because it's pretty obvious that she already has a Master's Degree from Grifter U.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Ah yes, Marvin the Mormon Barkeep.

sewollef December 12, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Or possibly, Malcolm the Muslim barkeep.

HistoriCat December 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Brian the Baptist barkeep?

MosesInvests December 12, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Three religious truths:
1. Jews don't recognize the divinity of Jesus.
2. Protestants don't recognize the authority of the Pope.
3. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2012 at 7:57 am

Wouldn't it be "Mahmoud?"

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm

In all seriousness, how do you choose counseling as a career and not contemplate the likelihood that you're going to be dealing with people's sexuality, and particularly, sexuality that has to be closeted because society frowns upon it and that you personally find offensive?

WTF?

memzilla December 12, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Furthermore, where's the counter-lawsuit from the homosexual she counseled?

bikerlaureate December 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

It's a good thing child molesters never need counseling. Prayer works!

FakaktaSouth December 12, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I wanna be a teacher, but I hate kids. Pay me. I wanna be an OB-GYN but think ladies having babies are gross. Pay me. I wanna be a lawyer but I hate being judged. Pay me.

Just, go away lady, you're dumb. Why is it some of the craziest fuckers always wanna be in some kind of psychiatric field?

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:58 pm

If you say, "I wanna have sex, just not with you," I'll know we were married.

sewollef December 12, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I'm guessing there might be a story to be told there, perchance….

prommie December 12, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I wanna achieve and prosper, but I don't want to work! I wanna be a Romney!

FakaktaSouth December 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Fuck that, I wanna be rich, dumb as shit and still able to get drunk. I wanna be a Bush.

Fare la Volpe December 12, 2012 at 5:28 pm

The cocaine's a nice incentive.

Toomush_Infer December 12, 2012 at 5:31 pm

'cause lawyers…..

Tio_Doidinho December 13, 2012 at 9:51 am

Why is it some of the craziest fuckers always wanna be in some kind of psychiatric field?

I think you just answered your own question there.

coolhandnuke December 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Didn't Julea Ward write "The Battle Him Who Tries to Marry Him of the Republic."

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 4:53 pm

And here I thought you were so butch!

*runs off crying*

memzilla December 12, 2012 at 4:55 pm

So of course, she'll be donating this $75K she won to the nearest Christian Church. Yup.

Ironically, her anti-homosexual behavior happened in a state which looks like a giant hand grabbing upwards towards a giant phallus.

Steverino247 December 12, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Yeah, but it's wearing an oven mitt, so don't get excited.

CrunchyKnee December 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Minor league Palin. No biggie.

stefanbc December 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm
Biel_ze_Bubba December 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Is this $75,000 per course, or per semester? Imagine how much a Christian Scientist could make at med school!

rickmaci December 12, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Is it malpractice if I am a Christian Scientist physician and I don't treat you because I go all Mary Baker Eddy if you come to me and are sick?

Negropolis December 13, 2012 at 12:10 am

WIN

Mojopo December 12, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Should I want to hurl insults because she's being obtuse, or be glad that we can pay to shut people up? Decisions, decisions… If I really thought she would take the money and not impose her skewed POV on innocent, damaged people, it would be money well spent. But what are the chances she's going to stop here?

actor212 December 12, 2012 at 5:08 pm

I'll not interrupt this thread for a pound.

Blunderthing December 12, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Americans: Finding new and better ways to suck the money teat of fearful deep pocketed spineless litigation-shy institutions constantly. Amen.

rickmaci December 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Add: tax payer supported.

Baconzgood December 12, 2012 at 5:18 pm

The punchline is that she was going to school to be a Credit Counselor.

DahBoner December 12, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Student to Gays: I CAN'T SEEEEEEEEEE YOU

HogeyeGrex December 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm

From a different article,

"Public universities shouldn't force students to violate their religious beliefs to get a degree," said Jeremy Tedesco, senior counsel for the Alliance Defending Freedom

Of course. So a Quaker who wanted a degree from West Point shouldn't have to do any of that fighty-killy stuff.

Also, too: Fuck these people. Fuck them in the neck.

LibertyLover December 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Damn Liberal Arts program! How dare they be intolerant of her intolerance!

Guppy December 12, 2012 at 5:55 pm

I'm thinking the same trick won't work with the licensing board, though.

Hope she minored in homeopathy!

Troglodeity December 12, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Step 1: We enroll in community college.
Step 2: We register for a geology class.
Step 3: We take the final exam and answer every question with "Because God created it that way" or "The Earth is six thousand years old."
Step 4: After we get an "F" on the exam, we sue, and before you can say
Step 5: We quit school, settle our lawsuit for $75K each, and go to Rio!

#tcot December 12, 2012 at 8:04 pm

There is literally nothing I will not do for money!

docterry6973 December 12, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Empathy is a lie from the pit of hell.

prommie December 12, 2012 at 9:15 pm

So then contempt and derision are healthy and appropriate responses to our fellows? I am just relieved to hear it, is all.

DocChaos December 12, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Learn this one neat trick to get paid to go to college.

BZ1 December 12, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Ward, who was training to be a grade school counselor and would never expect to find any of those unmentionables in schools?

shelwood46 December 13, 2012 at 2:56 am

Well, duh, there aren't any gay kids in grade school. The Gays don't start recruiting until high school at the earliest, but mostly in college. That's when They turn 'em.

Negropolis December 13, 2012 at 12:15 am

Julea, I'd love to counsel you, really, I would. But, I can't affirm your lifestyle choice as a greedy, intolerant bitch; it's against my philosophy.

Good luck becoming a star in circles with people who will fucking hate your guts beneath their smiles because of your color.

ttommyunger December 13, 2012 at 7:18 am

"………….because of my relationship with Christ." Reached for comment, Christ responded: "
Oh Hell no!"

comrad_darkness December 13, 2012 at 10:42 am

She is going to have to make a career out of suing, because no organization will hire a litigious employee. None.

bibliotequetress December 13, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Can she counsel divorcees? Women who refuse to marry their brothers-in-law when widowed? Is she okay counseling folks who wear two different fabrics at once?

And given the ubiquity of christian schools out there, why the hell is she suing a public school? Why not go to some unaccredited bible college academic turd flop and get her "degree" from "teachers" who will not "affirm" homosexuality?

And what the HELL does it mean to "affirm homosexuality?" Does that just mean acknowledging it exists?

Soooo many questions. Too bad I don't have a degree in counseling so I could help myself understand this twit.

joeyblau December 14, 2012 at 2:09 pm

we need to talk to the body of christ…. man you stink!!

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