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Short on cash? Did you know that some so-called “academic institutions” have outrageous requirements for students in their counseling programs – like they have to actually try to listen to people’s problems, regardless of what they are, sometimes even with empathy? Or that these same institutions don’t want to accept your unrelated beliefs as an excuse for not mastering every aspect of a given subject? Luckily, universities everywhere want to make students learn everything on their curriculum before they hand out degrees – a dumb mistake that can be exploited by YOU!

If you’re as shrewd and exploitative as former Eastern Michigan University student Julea Ward, you can just sue your stupid school for intolerance toward your beliefs after they insist you complete course requirements – since lawyers are so expensive, they’ll probably just give you the money! ($75,000, in Ward’s case.)

Here’s how to get in on Ward’s racket: you will have to join a university counseling program, like Ward did, or perhaps something that leads to another profession with a similar code of ethics. Once in this position, refuse to carry out assignments that demonstrate your ability to adhere to the profession’s code of ethics – maybe, for example, you could counsel some gay to stop being so gay if he wants society to accept him or whatever, and tell him you haven’t any better ideas to offer, ho ho! Gayness may be your best line of attack in baiting the school into reprimanding your ethics violation, since so many religions hate gays and religion is a foolproof shield for people who want to discriminate without being discriminated against. When the school acts against you, you’ll want to get a hold of a crack lawyer team known for expanding the extremely narrow freedoms of Christian Americans.

It is, at this point, crucial that you point out you would have been willing to do the assignment that tramples all over your religious freedoms, just not remotely the way it was assigned.

In a YouTube video for the Alliance Defense Fund, Ward said that she “never refused to counsel homosexuals” but “had simply refused to affirm their lifestyle.”

See, you want to ensure you clarify this point: in the case of counseling, you are totally willing to treat a homosexual patient, as long as you don’t have to address their problems in depth like you would with a heterosexual. After all, you’re the victim here! Remember, this is America, so you really want to lay on the “religious oppression” shtick thick if you want to intimidate your local University into funding life’s next crazy adventure.

How’s that for a recession stimulus?

[Edge on the Net]

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