Are there no workhouses?

Here Is Your Heartwarming 2012 ‘Throw A Poor Family Out In The Snow’ Christmas Miracle, America!

Why can't OUR paupers be more picturesque?Just in case you were feeling hopeful about humanity or anything, we thought we’d nip that right in the bud. Yep, it looks like the Iconic Christmas Story for 2012 has arrived! In Grand Junction, Colorado, a single mother and her three children are going to be evicted from their apartment just in time for Christmas, because the woman’s son shoplifted a pair of shoes, and the apartment complex’s “zero tolerance” lease agreement states that “any criminal activity on or near the premises is grounds for immediate eviction.”

Tanya Abbey and her three children face eviction from their Section 8 rent-assisted housing after her son Oran, 13, was caught shoplifting a pair of shoes from a local K-Mart. The family is uncertain whether they will be able to find a place in a shelter.

The boy said that he stole the shoes because his old shoes were worn out and his feet were cold, a claim which anonymous commenters on the internet derided as calculated to tug at the heartstrings of knee-jerk liberals. Other commenters were quick to note that Ms. Abbey is obviously a drug addict — just look at her!! — who is a drain on society and never should have had children. In addition, there is no father in the picture, and maybe now these lowlifes will learn a lesson about stealing (especially the toddler and the preschooler).

Several commenters, citing their “instincts” and certain that no landlord would evict a family over petit theft, argued that the shoplifting incident was obviously the last straw in a long string of imagined infractions that the family was almost certainly guilty of, including being likely Obama voters, haw-haw.

After typing their heartfelt condemnations of the family of takers, it is believed that several of the commenters made plans to join their own families later in the month to celebrate the birth of Christ.

[CBS4 Denver / Huffpo]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  • Boojum

    My heart is warmer. Can we agree to burn all the fossil fuel and end the species now?

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      No need. The Mayans say it's all over next Wednesday anyway, and these fucktards can all burn in hell for the rest of eternity.

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ Rufus T. Firefly

      That's going to happen anyway. I assume that 20 years from now I'll be wandering a hellish post-apocalypse wasteland, cursing the ChiComs and Soviets while trying to open tin cans with my teeth.

      Enjoy the ride down!

  • Barbara_

    WWJVD? What would Jean Valjean do?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Sing for about three hours?

      • Barbara_

        Good one, Lionel.

        • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Thanks Barb.

    • rickmaci

      Sing Les Mitts

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ Rufus T. Firefly

      Remain miserable.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Force out his adamantium claws and slice up somebody? Oops, wrong franchise.

  • gullywompr

    For want of a shoe the home was lost.

    • Baconzgood

      Nike don't fuck around yo!

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    OT: Maybe it's already been mentioned, but who is this lady with the smiley crotch? Is the bottom half the reason the video has been banned?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I keep assuming that is your award if your tip is used by dear ol' Wonkette.

      • HistoriCat

        Just the tip?

        • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

          I would demand more if they use more than the tip.

        • Vecchiojohn

          Probably depends on how big a tipper you are.

    • el_donaldo

      Becca's claiming it's not her but some anonymous friend modeling Wonkette gear out of sheer generosity.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        It's Ken Layne, obvs.

        • Guppy

          That's one serious tuck he's got going on.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          Tee-hee!

    • mull_man

      Needs more camel toe… On the other had, having that up there makes it exceeding difficult to scroll down to the comments.

    • HarryButtle

      I've lost my train of thought twice today because of that damn ad. I have my comment sites and my fap sites…and this is blurring the line!

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    None of this would have happened if Romney was president.

  • ph7

    And to think if the boy had grown some weed to pay for those shoes, all would be good.

  • HRH_Maddie

    ♫ It's the most wonderful time of the year ♫

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But the good news is that with legal marijuana, they will not care that they are homeless, right?

  • Crank_Tango

    Can we just kill all internet commenters?

    • emmelemm

      First they came for the internet commenters….

      And then I was in a camp and didn't care about anybody else anymore anyway.

      • glasspusher

        Can we get course credit for our reëducation?

    • HarryButtle

      Wait…what?

    • poorgradstudent

      Many a time have I cried out for the final solution for Yahoo News commenters.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Grand Junction is the fucking Alabama of Colorado. Gateway to the Utahs.

    And what the fuck is a zero tolerance lease? We really do live in a fucked up teatarded society.

    • ph7

      Grand Junction has a wagon wheel in the in the ditch
      And a wheel on the track

    • Baconzgood

      I wrote a great comment regarding owner/renter section 8 agreements. CO to PA (because I and my family know the pit falls of section 8 and know the rights both parties lose). It was a well thought out argument that deserves discussion. Instead my phone wouldn't post it so I'll make fart noises.

      FAaaaaaaAaaaaAAAAAAAARRRRRT
      FAAAAARRRRT…FARRRRRRRRTTTTTTT

      (Oh! That tast one had lumps in it)

      • VodkaGoGo

        That drives me fucking insane when that happens (which has been often lately) and it's always on the comments you actually put time and thought into. I swear to god my comment history shouldn't look as simple minded as it does.

      • Doktor Zoom

        I hate when that happens.

        Uh, I mean, the phone thing.

        OK, both, truth be told.

      • Stevola

        I smell bacon

  • Callyson

    "Oh, for fuck's sake."

    -Jesus Christ

  • DahBoner

    WHAT WOULD JESUS STEAL?

    Why, a little ass, of course…

    Luke 19:29-34 http://mobile.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lu

    • Botlrokit

      It always seems that two of the Most Wanted look like Jesus.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        But, but, doesn't the State usually give horse thieves dancing lessons?

        • Botlrokit

          Vinnie, Chapter 60:

          13 You would string him up to the nearest tree,
          14 Unless there was a cross available,
          15 And… isn't that a coincidence?

    • sullivanst

      Wow, that's some pedestrian prose right there.

    • An_Outhouse

      that bastard!

  • sati_demise

    Even though I have not set foot in a Walmart in over 25 years, can I just fucking give Walmart the cash for the shoes right now? Would they drop the fucking charges? If the fucking police drop the charges will the family be able to stay in their apartment?
    Fuck those fucking fuckers!

    • An_Outhouse

      kmart

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Grand Junction Conservetards recommend the I-70 Hilton.

    • glasspusher

      Looks like happy hour.

  • Baconzgood

    This makes baconz sick. I don't want to read/see this link but I feel I must. C'mon Colorado, you were doing soooooo good with the Boulder and the pot. Sure Aspen sucks but you can't have it all.

    • http://www.fruitvalegazette.com editor

      same here. didn't get through all the comments. so awful, "13-year-old does something stupid." how rare is that? and all of a sudden: hate! slut raising criminals! multiple fathers, no doubt! obama to blame, somehow!

      ugh. late, time for bed.

    • Callyson

      Dude, totally off topic, but if you didn't catch this you HAVE to see this:

      30 Gifts For Bacon Lovers (PHOTOS)

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/12/30-gifts

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Did our Wonket lift this story from Hans Christian Andersen?

    • rickmaci

      Victor Hugo lives!!

    • Doktor Zoom

      I was thinking Lemony Snickett, but he always drew on the classics, anyway.

      • Negropolis

        I was thinking Dickens.

  • Not_So_Much

    I think this is happening because some of us (you know who you are) are saying 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas'.

  • Naked_Bunny

    If I hadn't noticed that my Wonkette RSS feed went missing over the weekend and re-subscribed earlier today, I would have missed this story entirely and been jonesin' for the regular dose of "wanting to kill myself" that I get here. Thanks!

    • An_Outhouse

      hey, put some clothes on. this is a family, pony filled, mommy blog

      • Naked_Bunny

        Is it okay if I get a colorful ass tattoo like the ponies have?

  • Veritas78

    Butbutbut… he's white! There must be some mistake.

  • bikerlaureate

    Dok, what does "near the premises" mean in this context? Same area code?

  • finallyhappy

    How is it that commenters on these stories always know the "rest of the story"? It's like the people who comment about all of the people they see cheating on SNAP(food stamps). None of these people know anything about the facts but are so ready to condemn a kid or a family whose circumstances are not known to them at all. I don't know the NT too well but I think it does say " make the little children suffer" and "the poor will not inherit anything so screw them".

    • shelwood46

      I saw some jackass the other day saying, I'm a grocery store cashier so I know that Ohio gives $500/person to people on SNAP. Actual per person grant in Ohio: $137. I shudder to think how much that dude thinks a gallon of milk sells for.

  • Doktor Zoom

    So here's a WTF update of sorts to the story: http://www.9news.com/rss/story.aspx?storyid=30432

    Coleen Simpson, manager of Garden Village apartments, tells KJCT-TV that any criminal activity on or near the property is grounds for immediate eviction. But Tuesday, she said that a minor shoplifting charge does not usually mean eviction.

    "There's no way we would evict anyone on a minor shoplifting crime," she told 9NEWS.

    She said there is more to the story but could not go into details, citing privacy concerns.

    So, there's grist for the "there had to be more to it (though we have no idea what, but we bet it was BAAAAD)" perspective. Or for that matter the "manager was looking for an excuse to bounce them" perspective. Or even the "manager is sick of getting called a heartless jerk so she said there's more to it but she can't go into detail" perspective.

    According to records pulled by 9NEWS, Tanya Abbey does have a criminal history.

    In February of 2007, she was arrested for vehicle theft and driving under the influence. In 2003, she was found guilty of third-degree assault.

    Yeah, those are excellent reasons why she should never be allowed to rent ever again.

    • Redgyal

      Imagine if people had to sign agreements like that to live in one of those master planned gated communities.

      Also, I think it is reason number two, the landlord did not like the renter and wanted an excuse to kick them out.

      • #tcot

        You mean like Darrell Issa, right?

      • Guppy

        Frequently indicted, never convicted.

        It's amazing what happens when you can afford better lawyers than the state.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      "manager is sick of getting called a heartless jerk"

      I complained about a boy who had no shoes until I met a manager without any heart.

  • rickmaci

    Does not pass the smell test here. What kind of low income apartment complex would have a K-Mart, "on or near the premises…?" First year legal aid lawyer could drive a large truck through that hole.

  • dadanarchistmk2

    God Bless Us, Everyone!

  • Doktor Zoom

    Presumably it's the kid bringing the stolen shoes home, or intending to, or some such fuckery.

    • Redgyal

      Still does not sound right.

  • christianmuslin

    Section 8 tenants often have housing vouchers allowing them to live in market rate rental housing so story is plausable. What is not, however, is where have all of the outstanding Christians gone that if they only knew this family needed shoes they would certainly give from their hearts via their wallets and take the whole family to Target and buy each one at least two pair of shoes, a heavy coat and gloves. All of these nice conservative Christians would do nothing less. After all it is the season for giving to those in need not the season for those in greed. My Jewish friends and my Muslem friends know that, so I am sure my Christian friends must have heard by now too.

    • Stevola

      Hahahahahaha!

  • VodkaGoGo

    Besides porn, what else is the Internet for if it's not for demonizing total strangers who are already in a weaker position than you in real life? See, a little suffering isn't enough, they have to be fucking CRUSHED for their sin of weakness and the Internet is the way to do that.

    • not that Dewey

      Wait, I thought you said besides porn.

      • Guppy

        Seriously, half the porn out there blurs that line…

        "Come see videos of my ex-girlfriend!"

  • KotBR

    Steal from a Kmart, lose your apartment.

    Steal from a government pension fund, buy a third mansion.

    America!

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      All you need to do is get to be too big to fail!!!!!
      And then …. fail!
      *profit*

  • jello_mold

    Suffer the little children, indeed.

  • glasspusher

    Those anonymous commentards would probably also deny this woman access to contraception, because slut, obvs., then deny her an abortion before railing about her using up Section 8 funds with her brood. Seconds on that cognitive dissonance?

  • Negropolis

    I mean, to steal from a Kmart should be a capital offense given that Kmart all but gives away their merchandise. Had he asked nicely, some teenaged clerk would have probably been all like "I don't give a shit, this place has already gone to hell" as she filed her nails and popped her chewing gum.

  • glasspusher

    Fuck them. What have they done for you?

  • HarryButtle

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpkI7GW2V34

    But what if his momma was goin' to see Jeebus?

  • decentcitizen

    "More to the story" is the facile justification of scoundrels.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    The incredulity of the comments is absolutely stunning, the mother is meth addict, used a sperm donor, was a welfare abuser, and worse of all, an Obama supporter, yet the family is white?? In one spurt, a commentator spewed: Concepts such as decency, honesty, and integrity are alien to such a creature. They thrive on deceit, envy gluttony, lust, and all other unwholesome forms of behavior. I think the submitters were also good Christians.

  • Naked_Bunny

    This sort of wisdom is why I stalk you with Intense Debate.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Now I'll always wonder when someone says they've started typing with one hand after chatting with me.

  • local242thug

    take that, christmas!

    wait. this is a victory in the war on christmas, right? i mean, we're supposed to be ignoring poors just like we do the rest of the year. right?

    or is this a false flag incident like that tent collapse that killed thousands of teabaggers in michigan today?

    confused.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    So how come an arrest for juvenile shoplifting of a non-leaseholder is even an issue? The landlord — and it doesn't matter if that's the government — has no right to a minor's record, especially if it's not something dangerous to his neighbors, like assault or molestation, so they shouldn't even have known about it. How does the state get away with violating the rules it makes everyone else live by?

    Or maybe the idea is that if the poor only accepted their station in life and were grateful to their betters for giving them abominable circumstances to rise above, and accepted the punishment of a whole family's homelesness, starvation and possible death due to the transgressions of a 13-year-old, we'd accept a miserable present for a reward in heaven?

    Even the American people won't put up with that much bullshit — if the election taught the Republicans nothing else, it should've taught them that. Not that it did.

    • HistoriCat

      the poor only accepted their station in life and were grateful to their betters for giving them abominable circumstances to rise above, and accepted the punishment of a whole family's homelessness,

      Sounds Dickensian.

  • wolvenwood13

    "The boy said that he stole the shoes because his old shoes were worn out and his feet were cold."

    Serves him right for having feet, how dare he?

  • DixvilleCrotch

    It's the shoe that broke the camel's toe, or something.

  • LibrarianX

    This is O'Reilly's doing.

  • mustangsavvy

    Grand Junction, CO. Been there, never want to go back but unfortunately my in-laws live near there so I will some day be back. This story does not surprise me in the least and the comments? Par for the course.

    Dear Poors – you are cursed by God because you are clearly stupid and born to be criminals. Quit yer whining. Praise the Lord etc.

  • ttommyunger

    Naturally, I blame Obama.