IT WAS A PLEASURE TO BURN  10:42 am December 11, 2012

Ohio English Teacher Suspended For … Wait For It … Writing Novel

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

There is more than one way to burn a book. And the world is full of people running about with lit matches.The North Canton City School District takes seriously the shitty, snippy bromide “those who can’t do teach” — so seriously, in fact, that they have suspended a high school English teacher because she wrote a novel. An English teacher writing a novel? Now we have heard everything! But you can kind of see their point: Carol Ann Eastman, writing under the pseudonym Deena Bright, produced a novel where a teacher has sex with people! People who are other teachers, and former students! (Not current students. That would not be legal.) This has led to lots of parents saying “and?” and some other parents screeching their bizarre little faces right off!

Parents complained to the district when they found out about the subject matter of Eastman’s book, and many local parents feel Eastman shouldn’t teach high school English if she also publishes bawdy fiction.

“That’s inappropriate,” opined Sharon Turkall, for example, according to WEWS-TV. “I don’t think I’d write about that whether it was fiction or truth.”

Well, if Sharon Turkall wouldn’t write that about, then it just makes sense that no other people in the entire world should be allowed to write about that either.

What other English teachers should have been suspended for writing smutty novels Sharon Turkall does not like?

  • D.H. Lawrence.
  • Your breasts, your knees and feet! I feel that we
    Are a bonfire of oneness, me flame flung leaping round you,
    You the core of the fire, crept into me.

  • James Joyce.
  • if he wants to kiss my bottom Ill drag open my drawers and bulge it right out in his face as large as life he can stick his tongue 7 miles up my hole as hes there my brown part then Ill tell him I want #1 or perhaps 30/- Ill tell him I want to buy underclothes then if he gives me that well he wont be too bad I dont want to soak it all out of him like other women do I could often have written out a fine cheque for myself and write his name on it for a couple of pounds a few times he forgot to lock it up besides he wont spend it Ill let him do it off on me behind provided he doesnt smear all my good drawers O I suppose that cant be helped Ill do the indifferent I or 2 questions Ill know by the answers when hes like that he cant keep a thing back I know every turn in him Ill tighten my bottom well and let out a few smutty words smellrump or lick my shit or the first mad thing comes into my head then Ill suggest about yes O wait now sonny my turn is coming

  • John Irving.
  • “Doris Wales was a woman with straw-blond hair whose body appeared to have been dipped in corn oil; then she must have put her dress on, wet. The dress grabbed at all her parts, and plunged and sagged over the gaps in her body; a lover’s line of hickeys, or love bites – ‘love-sucks,’ Franny called them – dotted Doris’s chest and throat like a violent rash; the welts were like wounds from a whip. She wore plum-covered lipstick, some of which was on her teeth, and she said, to Sabrina Jones and me, ‘You want hot-dancin’ music, or slow-neckin’ music? Or both?’
    ‘Both,’ said Sabrina Jones, without missing a beat, but I felt certain that if the world would stop indulging wars and famines and other perils, it would still be possible for human beings to embarrass each other to death. Our self-destruction might take a little longer that way, but I believe it would be no less complete.”

  • Kurt Vonnegut.
  • There those girls were with all their private parts bare, for anybody to see. And there in the doorway were Gluck and Derby and Pilgrim-the childish soldier and the poor old high school teacher and the clown in his toga and silver shoes-staring. The girls screamed. They covered themselves with their hands and turned their backs and so on, and made themselves utterly beautiful.

Whatever. What is far more important is that an English teacher has been busted writing novels, just like this other lady did a year ago, to the exact same reaction:

“She is teaching children that are under the age of 18 and definitely the books that she is writing are adult books. I think she needs to make a decision as to what she wants to do. Either be a school teacher or author,” parent Deanna Stepp said.

Wendy Apple said she has a 10th-grade son in Buranich’s class.

“Now my son knows so how is he thinking when he’s sitting in her class knowing what she does on the side,” she said.

Burn her. Burn them all. Then, by all means, turn your attention to that pile of books. What a warm, lovely fire that would be.

[DailyCaller / UPI]

 
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{ 223 comments }

Cleopatriot December 11, 2012 at 10:45 am

How do these people know what's in her book unless they read it? Burn them all. With votes.

Lizzietish81 December 11, 2012 at 10:52 am

Oh come on, do the Harry Potter protestors know what's in the books? They didn't read them themselves but GOD did and told them all about it.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 1:37 pm

"You don't have to try heroin to know that it's destructive."

Ta-dah !

not that Dewey December 11, 2012 at 11:15 am

And how did they know it was her book? She used a pseudonym. Are these parents stalking her? "She's gonna write a smutty book any day now. I just know it."

JustPixelz December 11, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Let them feel the white hot intensity of our snark.

HRH_Maddie December 11, 2012 at 10:45 am

Come on now. I'm still all hot and bothered from Miss Lindsay's rant.

noodlesalad December 11, 2012 at 10:46 am

“Now my son knows so how is he thinking when he’s sitting in her class knowing what she does on the side,” she said.

Which is what, writing? If she wrote a murder mystery, would they be arresting her for murder? Actually, strike that, before these pod people get any ideas.

Preferred Customer December 11, 2012 at 11:03 am

Also, too, having once been a teenage boy, I can pretty much guarantee that I know what her son is thinking about sitting in class, and that this train of thought is going to be the same whether or not his teacher writes smutty books on the side.

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:10 am

Really. I wasn't exactly thinking of "math" in Miss Lucharelli's math class. She knew how to wear a sweater, that's for sure.

Cicada December 11, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Are you implying that teen boys have impure thoughts, regardless of their teacher's novel writing?

*clutches pearls *
*faints*

Preferred Customer December 11, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Let's just say that "pearl necklace" has a very different meaning to a teenage boy.

Secluded Compound December 11, 2012 at 12:45 pm

And for every guy on the planet, for that matter.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 1:42 pm

YES.

I want to know if Ms. Apple has any older sons.

Or if she's figured out how to tie her shoes without assistance.

If the notion of a modern teacher having a fantasy life is so unbearable, you'd think the pearl-clutchers could come up with at least one coherent objection that doesn't rely on moralistic precognition.

Terry December 11, 2012 at 11:43 am

Maybe her son will pay attention in class finally.

boobookitteh December 11, 2012 at 11:48 am

One of my HS teachers actually wrote a series of mysteries. When the first one came out, the other teachers encouraged us to read it. Even though there were swear words in it. Of course this was around the same time one of the other teachers was arrested for cocaine trafficking, so it probably seemed like a good distraction.

HogeyeGrex December 11, 2012 at 12:19 pm
PDA December 11, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I'm not sure even how to parse that.

“Now my son knows, so how is he thinking when he’s sitting in her class: knowing what she does on the side?” He is unable to think. How is he thinking?

“Now my son knows, so WHAT is he thinking when he’s sitting in her class knowing what she does on the side?” He has an erection. (Or he doesn't, so he must be gay.)

“Now my son SO knows how he is thinking when he’s sitting in her class knowing what she does on the side,” he so knows it.

"grbleffragghhh ghghgh mmph." I am belatedly realizing that none of my son's teachers are nuns.

Lizzietish81 December 11, 2012 at 10:46 am

One of my high school teachers was a former Playboy Bunny. Everyone knew. Nobody cared. Some people have too much time on their hands.

kyeshinka December 11, 2012 at 10:57 am

This school was in rural Ohio. Trust me, there's not much else going on.

BaldarTFlagass December 11, 2012 at 10:47 am

I don't get it. Did she make the book required reading for her students? I know several college profs who did that…

Lizzietish81 December 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

My brother in law wrote a book for his dad who then required it for his class.

It was a computer book though, and was only relevant for a brief time.

PugglesRule December 11, 2012 at 11:29 am

One of my college profs made us read Under the Volcano by Malcolm Lowry. We had to read it because Prof did his Ph.D. dissertation on it. Six hundred pages to cover ONE day in the life of an alcoholic who's wasted his life. I never managed to finish it and eventually found some Cliff's Notes. All this for a pass/fail class. Good thing the rest of the books we read were less… Underthevolcanoish.

Lot_49 December 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

Didja see the movie? Also tiresome, but you do get to look at Jacqueline Bisset for a while.

Terry December 11, 2012 at 11:44 am

Yeah, don't you love when they make you BUY their books? I knew one selling his self-published book to the students directly as their text.

BaldarTFlagass December 11, 2012 at 11:50 am

It's an old scam. My dad said they did the same to the students when he went to college back in the late 50s.

finallyhappy December 11, 2012 at 1:55 pm

buying the new edition each year- which rarely has anything new.

eggsacklywright December 11, 2012 at 10:47 am

Hot for teacher. Shame on her, having a life and all…

pdiddycornchips December 11, 2012 at 11:04 am

They could take their kids out of public school and enroll them in Catholic school where this kind of thing never happens.

PugglesRule December 11, 2012 at 11:30 am

Is Ms. Eastman also playing some Van Halen as background music?

liar and scoundrel December 11, 2012 at 10:47 am

Great. Now I'm thinking of my former English teachers writing "bawdy" fiction.

*shudder*

SoBeach December 11, 2012 at 10:52 am

Well I'm thinking of my former Spanish teacher…yowza.

liar and scoundrel December 11, 2012 at 10:57 am

Oh lordy. The student teacher in my 11th grade Spanish class…

… Let's just say I'd lick salsa off of those abs.

hagajim December 11, 2012 at 11:21 am

My former english teacher had big ol' fake boobies…I can imagine the book she would have written.

PugglesRule December 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

I doubt if Sister Francine (the nun who made us write a paper on Macbeth every night for a month) ever wrote bawdy fiction. Unless it was Nuns Gone Wild.

Lascauxcaveman December 11, 2012 at 11:56 am

Actual conversation I had with a high school friend about his mom.

"Max, I saw your mom at the library today. I didn't know she worked there."

"Yup, part time. She writes, too."

"Cool. Anything I've read before?"

"I dunno; do you read a lot of porn?"

finallyhappy December 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm

when I went to school- the philadelphia public school Shakespeare plays were censored editions(this was in the 60s). So we were asked to buy the Folger paperback editions- wow, that Queen Mab speech- I've never been the same

richmx2 December 11, 2012 at 2:01 pm

My English teachers were nuns… let's not go there.

Come here a minute December 11, 2012 at 10:48 am

School teachers should also not be mothers, because you know what that means they did (the sex). Some of the kids might figure this out, although they certainly didn't learn it in a North Canton City School District classroom.

pdiddycornchips December 11, 2012 at 10:59 am

Any science teachers that have actually conducted experiments in the past should be fired post haste

kittensdontlie December 11, 2012 at 11:25 am

North Canton until recently was a dry town, so I don't know how much sexying was going on.

Texan_Bulldog December 11, 2012 at 10:48 am

Oh, please. You know these bitches were standing in line to buy that Fifty Shades of Grey crap.

Fare la Volpe December 11, 2012 at 11:00 am

And they're all "Twilight Moms."

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 11:02 am

*waves fiercely at Fare* Long time, no see!

PugglesRule December 11, 2012 at 11:32 am

Which was obviously NOT written by an English teacher, because jacked-up fanfiction!

Corrugated Palin December 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

I prefer to believe that Fifty Shades of Grey was a literary hoax that spun wildly out of control. The "author" decided to take terrible Twilight fanfic, strip out all the copyright infringement, and submit it for publication in hopes of proving just how shitty you can write and still sell books if there's enough sex. (Turns out, pretty fucking shitty.)

Basically, Erasure meets Naked Came the Stranger.

doloras December 11, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Hey, Erasure were a great gay synth-pop band.

Corrugated Palin December 11, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I meant the book by Percival Everett. It's actually a pretty good read — it's about an African-American author who gets no respect because his books are generally highbrow, so he writes an over-the-top parody of ghetto-chic exploitation that gets taken at face value and earns widespread critical acclaim.

ManchuCandidate December 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

Better to write a novel then sex their kids.

Texan_Bulldog December 11, 2012 at 10:52 am

Pam Smart libel!!!!1!!!! (who also has the distinction of her having her teenage boyfriend kill her husband).

Lizzietish81 December 11, 2012 at 10:56 am

As much as I love To Die For, Pamela Smart did not deserve that portrayal. She's a whiner.

Lascauxcaveman December 11, 2012 at 11:13 am

Yeah, well, when you get Nicholle Kidman on the cast, you run with it.

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:18 am

I would have been A-OK with Ms. Kidman being my high school teacher, or weathergirl…

Toomush_Infer December 11, 2012 at 11:24 am

Here's one of those times when spelling makes such a difference….you did mean "than", right?…

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Is there an "either/or" requirement I'm failing to see, here?

These fearful parents have to be imagining a torrid "if/then."
Or maybe "then/if/then, then, oh then, then, oh yeah, then, then, then, THEN!".

SoBeach December 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

She is teaching children that are under the age of 18 and definitely the books that she is writing are adult books.

Trust me lady, your kids aren't any more likely to read this (or any other) book than you are. Unpucker.

ChillBill December 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

Fifty Shades of Retard.

Esteev December 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

I'd read that.

ChillBill December 11, 2012 at 11:48 am

I believe the alternate title is "Going Rogue."

Esteev December 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

How about "Going Retard"?

x111e7thst December 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

She is obviously a slut. I would not be surprised to learn that she has ladyparts like sluts do.

chicken_thief December 11, 2012 at 11:25 am

I bet she touches those parts sometimes, also, too. HARLOT!!!

Esteev December 11, 2012 at 11:54 am

She assumably reads, too. She's dangerous.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I envy my grandparents, who could go decades without thinking once about those newfangled "nasty bits".

TaggWatchesYou December 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

As per No Child Left Behind, all newly hired teachers must be board certified eunuchs.

not that Dewey December 11, 2012 at 10:51 am

Haha — the Daily Caller used the word "trashy" to describe something other than the Daily Caller.

mrblifil December 11, 2012 at 10:52 am

"Again and again he kept plunging it inside her until all she was capable of was to utter through clenched teeth, 'For god's sake my temperature's normal!'"

flipdraw December 11, 2012 at 10:52 am

God forbid someone fails to think of the childrens! Won't someone think of them?!?

I think Nancy Reagan <shudder> had a life lesson for the childrens: Just Say No. Now if those nice teachers wrote more about Just Saying No, then we wouldn't all be forced to burn them, now would we?

Toomush_Infer December 11, 2012 at 10:52 am

Aren't our university education departments still removing the genital parts from prospective teachers? I know they did in my day….

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

I wanted to date Ms. Pearson, not because she was beautiful on the outside, but because she was hot because she was smart. Who says I didn' t learn stuff in high school English?

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 1:49 pm

And yet I came into existence.
I'd ask my dad about this, but I was raised better than that.

Apparently.

Some things are Just Not Nice.

RadioBitchFace December 11, 2012 at 10:53 am

Union Witch: BURN HER!!1!

Biff December 11, 2012 at 11:53 am

If it quacks like a duck…

freakishlywrong December 11, 2012 at 10:53 am

What's the over/under on these assholes outrage just stone liquidating them? (With votes). How can you be so prudish and judgmental, ALL the time? It's exhausting pointing and laughing at them.

Toomush_Infer December 11, 2012 at 11:26 am

Yeh, it kind of puts the lie to the idea of "spontaneous combustion", don't it – 'cause if there was ever a time….

BaldarTFlagass December 11, 2012 at 10:53 am

The Story of O for fuck's sake.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 10:54 am

Jeez, waddaya think this is, a free country or something?

BaldarTFlagass December 11, 2012 at 10:54 am

I bet they'd be happy if she had written The Turner Diaries or some shit like that.

DaSandman December 11, 2012 at 10:54 am

Writing books? That slut. Everyone knows that books are for burning. It was in the Republican Party 2012 platform.

EatsBabyDingos December 11, 2012 at 10:54 am

Jim Bouton, "Ball Four:" "Shit-fuck was one of his two favorite phrases. The other was fuck-shit."

Seems pretty apt here.

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:33 am

What's our record, Larry?

Disassembly December 11, 2012 at 10:55 am

The true horror is that these kids might take an interest in literature. (Sidenote: you'd better have a doctor check out that 7 mile hole.)

HogeyeGrex December 11, 2012 at 12:34 pm

(Sidenote: you'd better have a doctor check out that 7 mile hole.)

It's ok if it's 8 miles wide, though.

Disassembly December 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Thanks for turning me on to that. Let's not tell my wife that I made it her ringtone.

Lizzietish81 December 11, 2012 at 10:55 am

This is what happens when people have no lives and/or can't stand themselves. They make their problems everyone else's.

CleverSobriquet December 11, 2012 at 10:55 am

How did she become unfortunate enough to both to teach in North Canton OH, and also have only 10th grade class in the entire country made up entirely of literate virgins?

decentcitizen December 11, 2012 at 10:57 am

And so continues the tradition of faux moral outrage because it's easier than being a good parent.

JustPixelz December 11, 2012 at 12:08 pm

ABsolutely! Parents should prove their morality before sending their children to school. Do they drink? Sex before or outside marriage? Watch internet porn? Let their kids watch internet porn? Throw stones but not be without sin?

How would we get answer to these questions? Perhaps Sharia Law has some guidelines.

OneDollarJuana December 11, 2012 at 10:57 am

Doesn't matter what her 10th grader's teacher does on the side. Shoot, I was a 10th-grade boy once, and I could get hot just opening a book and running my finger down the crease.

FNMA December 11, 2012 at 10:58 am

In my crime novel, Don't Be Cruel, (shameless plug), I have someone being killed with fried chicken.
I must be doing something wrong because I have yet to hear from KFC. If I could get KFC pissed off at me, that'd be great for sales.

Geminisunmars December 11, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Try having your ingenue being fucked with a chicken leg. Maybe that will get KFC's attention.

Guppy December 11, 2012 at 12:21 pm

If I wanted to read about people killed by fried chicken, I'd crack open an HHS report.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 1:50 pm

To be fair, their Extra Crispy recipe is dangerously hard to force down.

They probably don't want the jury on a libel case taking your side.

lefty74 December 11, 2012 at 10:58 am

Would not the same people take paint, brushes, and flowers away from Georgia O'Keefe.
Those weren't flowers she was painting.

freakishlywrong December 11, 2012 at 11:11 am

Shhh..they'll be "outraged" and soon we'll have a Million Moms marching on high end Tex Mex joints.

secanonymous December 11, 2012 at 10:59 am

We should get rid of all these pornographic teachers and replace them with Catholic priests.

chicken_thief December 11, 2012 at 11:28 am

Jerry S, that you?

LakeLucilleLoon December 11, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Leave no child's behind.

Dr. Matt December 11, 2012 at 11:00 am

Apparently none of these parents have been "concerned" enough to check the cache on their son's and husband's computers.

PugglesRule December 11, 2012 at 11:54 am

Or clicked on the links with the letters M I L F in them.

Ruhe December 11, 2012 at 12:25 pm

"Honey, have you ever noticed this "new incognito window" button on the browser?"
"Why no, dear, I haven't. I have no idea what that is. Probably best not to touch it."

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm

We men are animals.

BEASTS, I tells ya.

School teachers are hired because their purity is impeccable, and that's why you don't see as many male teachers.

doloras December 11, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Man, best not to tell that to the school teacher I used to date. She was better than a bowling ball, if you get my drift and I think you do.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 5:31 pm

If someone told me that I was worse than a bowling ball… I'd have to take a good, hard look at my bias against recreational sports.

doloras December 11, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Well, see, you can only put three fingers in a bowling bal.

widestanceromance December 11, 2012 at 11:01 am

The Bible is the only novel these students should be reading.

sewollef December 11, 2012 at 11:12 am

Problem is they can't find it. Stupid kids keep looking in the non-fiction section.

Lizzietish81 December 11, 2012 at 11:15 am

Except the Bible is FULL of sex. And rape. And violence. And drugs.

widestanceromance December 11, 2012 at 11:25 am

Nevermind all that. Just obey.

Esteev December 11, 2012 at 11:44 am

Funny, OT story: I got thrown out of Barnes & Noble for putting all the Bibles in the fiction section.

widestanceromance December 11, 2012 at 11:56 am

Good work, Esteev. It's also fun to re-configure nativity scenes to make them more 'interesting.'

Lascauxcaveman December 11, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Extra points if you put them in the "Sci-Fi/Fantasy" subsection within Fiction.

finallyhappy December 11, 2012 at 1:59 pm

really, I once covered over a Rush Limbaugh book at Borders in Silver spring- but no one cared.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Song of Solomon presents a problem, since you're in deep shit if you remove so much as a word from the Bible…

This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.

I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine…

ETA – Oops, Lot_49 beat me to this, with a different excerpt. I haz a sad.

widestanceromance December 11, 2012 at 2:09 pm

It's OK. I pride myself on my biblical ignorance and did not see the other.

Blueb4sinrise December 11, 2012 at 11:01 am

They call it Guangzhou now.

SayItWithWookies December 11, 2012 at 11:03 am

Better to blow out a candle than to curse the light. Motherfuckers.

Fare la Volpe December 11, 2012 at 11:03 am

And I bet when she goes home and takes off her bra, her bare nipples are completely exposed! What will our little boys think if they somehow find out that their teacher has nipples?!

Has she no shame?

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:23 am

Uh, excuse me furaminnit…

Ruhe December 11, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Reminds me of that Young Fresh Fellows song, "Amy Grant":

"She comes home from church
She takes off her pants
That's what I like about Amy Grant
When she come home from church
She gotta take off her pants
That's what I like about Amy Grant"

Lascauxcaveman December 11, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Gah! Earworm time.

Those guys were great. And Scott used to always turn me on to the best power pop albums in stock when he worked at the U-District Cellophane Square store down on the Ave.

Man, the early 80's was a magical time.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm

It really depends on the nipples.

I know it's not really your thing, but darn it, we need more information to… uh… arrive at a reasoned… What were we talking about, again?

Biff December 11, 2012 at 11:03 am

I would add Peggington Nooninghamshire, but I don't think she even speaks English, let alone capable of teaching…

CrunchyKnee December 11, 2012 at 11:04 am

In Ohio, they have sex with the lights out for a few seconds then lots of shame. No need to talk about it. At least that's what I imagine by looking at videos of Joe the Dumber and Mean Jean Schmitt, also too.

JackDempsey1 December 11, 2012 at 11:05 am

North Canton is the home of the Hoover Vacuum Company, which means the whole town sucks.
oh, and my older brother lives there.

sewollef December 11, 2012 at 11:06 am

Wait a minute. So Wonkettes is telling me only four authors in the world have written smutty stuff?

I'm sure I read more than that last year.

commiegirl99 December 11, 2012 at 12:36 pm

No, those were just hte English teachers we could find real fast with a cursory Google.

sewollef December 11, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Aah. Cursory's good.

I can't recall if there are any 'racy' scenes in Lord of The Rings, but Tolkein was a professor of Linguistics.

And of course there was 'musician' Gene Simmons [yes, THAT Gene Simmons], William Golding [Lord of the Flies] and even Sting were teachers. I'm sure some of them have talked/written about sex, right?

Not forgetting Stephen King, author of Carrie — written while he was a teacher up in Maine. Now that's pretty depraved!

OkieDokieDog December 11, 2012 at 11:06 am

Everbody knows S-E-X outside the God ordained holy matrimony blah blah NO gheys allowed in the club cause something about our children is a SIN!!!1

el_donaldo December 11, 2012 at 11:07 am

Um, speaking of libidinous excess, it's not so much that I keep getting distracted by the pooch and camel toe advertising Wonkette gear, but that I am fairly certain that it is Editrix's pooch and camel toe advertising Wonkette gear.

This is a very different Mommy blog, I must say.

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:35 am

This is not your mother's mommyblog

commiegirl99 December 11, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Nope, not my pooch and cameltoe. It is the pooch and cameltoe of a friend who shall remain unidentified to the end of time. But I'd love it if it were my pooch and cameltoe. Adorbs!

el_donaldo December 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Shh. Don't break the spell yet.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 11, 2012 at 1:07 pm

OK, but does she have a sister? I'm asking for a friend.

fatbob54 December 11, 2012 at 11:07 am

It's high time we banned the alphabet. Without all those dirty letters, we wouldn't have dirty words, and without dirty words we wouldn't have dirty thoughts, and without dirty thoughts we wouldn't have mouths printed on undergarments, moist undergarments, with full bulging crotches, that talk to me, that tease me, that tell me they want me….UNGGGHH!

kittensdontlie December 11, 2012 at 11:42 am

There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one hacking at the roots.

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:09 am

Celsius 232.8?

HistoriCat December 11, 2012 at 11:27 am

Metric? What are you – some sort of Euro-commie fag?

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:32 am

Fag? I don't smoke, but if I did, I'd walk 1.609 kilometers for a Camel.

Lot_49 December 11, 2012 at 11:09 am

Yah-Weh (speaking through Solomon):

Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.
Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.
Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.
Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.
Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies….
O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.
His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

EatsBabyDingos December 11, 2012 at 11:13 am

And the only part of God that Moses ever saw was his "hindquarters."

Rebootably_Joe December 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

Because if he had seen Him from the front and looked upon God's "glory" directly, God would have stricken him down.

But yes, clearly they were just talking about God's face there.

Tundra Grifter December 11, 2012 at 11:18 am

Onan! Are you alone in your room again?

Lot_49 December 11, 2012 at 11:25 am

Eating shellfish!

widestanceromance December 11, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatevs, just skip to where he says thine branch is beer can-thick and uncut and shall flood greatly in your singing hole. I love that part.

Veritas78 December 11, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I've had mornings when my teeth were like a flock of sheep.

southernboyman December 11, 2012 at 11:12 am

Fiction or truth, doesn't make a difference? Must be all Republicans then…

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:13 am

I dated a girl from that area when I was in grad school. She took me to her 5000+ member mega church a couple of times. Fascinating. I felt like I was an anthropologist. Needless to say, they didn't know what to do with someone like me from a coast, who was capable of independent thought and critical thinking…

CrunchyKnee December 11, 2012 at 11:19 am

My cousin dwells in that certain area as well. While visiting I went to his mega-church with him once. The looks I got when I dared ask questions to the carnival barker while he was giving his sermon. How was I supposed to know that the "conversation" was one way? Needless to say they weren't too happy with questions.

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:29 am

It's a fucking blast, isn't it? They had me go to the “college and career” group before the service. They've got a place for you every step along the way! They're like “Tammy has a friend, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?”. “OK, sure- I was raised Catholic, but right now I pretty much don't believe in anything. I don't know if anything's on the other side, and if I die and cease to exist, I'm cool with that”*stunned silence*Good times.

finallyhappy December 11, 2012 at 2:01 pm

We always have discussion and questions after the sermon/talk at my synagogue- but then who doesn't?

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Uh, the Catholic church I grew up with (and escaped).

Biel_ze_Bubba December 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

"Thinking in church" is practically a misdemeanor in those parts. No wonder you got the old stink-eye.

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:54 am

After going toe to toe with my fundamentalist sister for 15+ years, I was well prepared to walk into that joint. Maybe I should have thanked her.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 2:02 pm

It rocks the boat.

You don't want to rock the boat…

Aridzona December 11, 2012 at 11:16 am

Pay teachers a crap wage then act shocked when they seek additional sources of income.

DahBoner December 11, 2012 at 11:17 am

English Literature.

A whole academic discipline for people who don't realise they're just making up shit…

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 11, 2012 at 11:18 am

But the football coach who beats his wife and kids? Well that's just none of our business.

glasspusher December 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

goddamn right. The football coach at my high school was such the asshole, and that was in NJ. I think it's a job requirement. It was an open secret that our school quarterback got his position because his dad paid for the coach's son to go to football camp in the summer.

Goonemeritus December 11, 2012 at 11:19 am

I am willing to support any movement that seeks the retroactive firing of D. H. Lawrence.

kittensdontlie December 11, 2012 at 11:54 am

Mitt Romney approves of this message.

An_Outhouse December 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

This is almost as bad as the time I found out my parents do 'it'.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I'm sorry, but my parents have NEVER done "it." My brother and I were delivered by the stork.

finallyhappy December 11, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Didn't you have sex ed? Girls are found under rose bushes and boys in cabbage patches- that stork thing is so silly

GeneralLerong December 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Saw something nasty in the woodshed, did ya?

[Cold Comfort Farm]

Baconzgood December 11, 2012 at 11:21 am

I didn't know Joyce taught English. Learn somthing new everyday on Wonkette.

red_kira December 11, 2012 at 11:21 am

She's gonna sell a lot of books, now.

hagajim December 11, 2012 at 11:24 am

God forbid we have a teacher, teaching English, who can actually fucking write. Ban her ass now!

Guppy December 11, 2012 at 12:24 pm

She can fucking write and write fucking.

gingerland62 December 11, 2012 at 11:24 am

I miss Kurt Vonnegut.

BZ1 December 11, 2012 at 11:24 am

On the dedication page, Eastman wrote, "This work is a work of fiction, fabricated in the author's mind. Names, characters, places, and events are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual occurrences or people, living or dead, is purely coincidental." Not good Enuf!

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Those words didn't mean what they say – they mean what the reader thinks they say.

This should be obvious even to a secularist humanist collectivist libertine "teacher."

oenspiek December 11, 2012 at 11:26 am

Illogical. "Those who can't do, teach!" != "Those who teach can't do!"

fatbob54 December 11, 2012 at 11:56 am

Those who can't do, teach
Those who can't teach, teach gym
Those who can't teach gym, become administrators.

and now,
Those who can't adminstrate, become priggish church ladies who can only get "moist down there" by judging others' moral failings.

hagajim December 11, 2012 at 11:28 am

Maybe us Wonketeers ought to support Ms. Bright by buying her book…it's only $2.99 on the Amazon – assuming you have a Kindle or reader on your I-pad. I will purchase later just for shits and giggles.

Lizzietish81 December 11, 2012 at 11:46 am
sundaytrucker December 11, 2012 at 11:29 am

The english teacher's book doesn't worry me as much as Rebecca's ability to produce, seemingly at will, the dirty parts of classic literature.

sewollef December 11, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I know…. that's sooo scary.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 2:06 pm

"Worry" ?

I guess we come from very different worlds.

Toomush_Infer December 11, 2012 at 11:30 am

I blame it on the parents: if they hadn't been having all that sexy time, they wouldn't have those kids to watch….

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 12:14 pm

It IS the parent's fault! For example, this whole "gay rights" thing would be resolved if those people would just stop having gay kids.

BaldarTFlagass December 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

Hope they don't pick up any of Lynne Cheney's early lezbo work.

Veritas78 December 11, 2012 at 8:43 pm

Cuz that was some sick shit.

glamourdammerung December 11, 2012 at 11:35 am

Someone needs to show these morons certain passages from a certain book and not bother to tell them it is their Holy Bible until after they toss it in the fire.

chicken_thief December 11, 2012 at 11:37 am

Fucking teachers need to learn how to grift the good ole 'Merikun way – have unwed kids that poop out kids, have ghost writers write books for you, quit your day job, and pretend to run for POTUS.

Jeez. Buy 'em books and buy 'em books and all they do is eat the covers….

Sharkey December 11, 2012 at 11:39 am

A part of me has just been ripped
The pages from my mind are stripped
Oh no, I can't deny it
Oh yea, I guess I gotta buy it

GhostBuggy December 11, 2012 at 11:39 am

Quite a post. BRB.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 11, 2012 at 11:42 am

Wanna bet that every copy of the book within driving distance of North Canton has sold out? Only so the screechers know what to screech about, of course.

Biff December 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Research, ya unnerstand…

qwerty42 December 11, 2012 at 11:44 am

The Daily Caller. Of course it's the Daily Caller.

mrpuma2u December 11, 2012 at 11:44 am

These drooling ingrates should be happy that this teacher is giving their children the skills to read, which they may (or may not) eventually utilize.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

More vile smut please.

Toomush_Infer December 11, 2012 at 11:51 am

Ummm….More vile smut, please, sir???….

Guppy December 11, 2012 at 12:26 pm

There's enough vile smut on the internet, I prefer good smut.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Vile Smut – Aisle 3
Good Smut – Aisle 4
"Good" Good Smut – endcap of Aisle 4
Good Vile Smut – curtained area in back.

Rayn_And December 11, 2012 at 11:56 am

Let's just skip over Chaucer this semester.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Lord knows, Chaucer and Shakespeare are filthy enough, in their own archaic way…

sewollef December 11, 2012 at 1:26 pm

And I'd be guessing Henry Fielding is right out of the running.

finallyhappy December 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm

yeah but if you read it as he wrote it no one knows what it says anyway

not that Dewey December 11, 2012 at 12:01 pm

The Story of OH

scionkirk December 11, 2012 at 12:03 pm

damnit, there's something in the upper right corner of this site thats making it impossible to actually read articles. Not quite sure what it is, but I have this strange urge to buy it an iPad.

Yellerdawg December 11, 2012 at 12:05 pm

OT, but OMG…I just got a "Happy Holidays" e-mail from a vendor. Should I screech at them and tell them I will NEVEREVER buy another sensor pack from them, or even look at their damn DAQ boards, or just rant incoherently and fling spittle until they GODDAMMED WELL wish me a NOODLY SPAGHETTI DAY, and put the sauce back into the season where it belongs?

Biff December 11, 2012 at 12:10 pm

'kin Buckeyes, man…

johnnyzhivago December 11, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Is is a good argument for home schooling – where you can be certain that NOBODY has been tainted by the evils of sexual temptations…

Antispandex December 11, 2012 at 12:16 pm

So this is what they mean by "christian taliban". Huh. See, I thought we were fighting them over there so we didn't have to fight them over here. Just so I understand, the serious contention here is that you aren't allowed to make shit up? Wow. Well, anyway, I never thought something like this would happen to me, but when it did, I knew I just had to write in to Wonkette forum…..

Ruhe December 11, 2012 at 12:18 pm

How did that previous case turn out because I'm thinking that your head-line should be changed to read "Ohio School Teach Hits Lottery as Local School District Agrees to Subsidize her Fiction Writing Career"…by losing a huge settlement in the inevitable (and justified) law suit.

Guppy December 11, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I think she needs to make a decision as to what she wants to do. Either be a school teacher or author.

I'm sorry, but you don't pay teachers anywhere near enough money to dictate their private lives.

zippy_w_pinhead December 11, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Wait until they find out what she watches on TV at night…

littlebigdaddy December 11, 2012 at 12:36 pm

But I hear you have to get the fire up to 451 degrees.

Redhead December 11, 2012 at 12:40 pm

"“Now my son knows so how is he thinking when he’s sitting in her class knowing what she does on the side,” she said."

Hmmm… thinking about the sexy sexy-time in his teacher's novels now instead of thinking about possible sexy sexy-time with that cheerleader in the next seat, or that class president in front of him, or that quiet girl behind him, or that actress he saw on TV last night, or the cute girl in the gas station this morning, or the hottie hot ladies' soccer players practicing after school or that cashier at whatever McBurgerChickenHell place he got his lunch, or his own hand…

owhatever December 11, 2012 at 12:47 pm

The North Canton City School District has now solved the problem of teenaged boys thinking about their boners in class all the time.

sewollef December 11, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Yeh…. I can certainly remember my boner from being 14-years-old and lusting after the new girl in class.

I was reading Anton Chekhov at the time. That's how I can remember it so well.

Damn that cherry orchard.

Severen13 December 11, 2012 at 12:50 pm

***“Now my son knows so how is he thinking when he’s sitting in her class knowing what she does on the side,” she said.***

Holy shit! Her precious pure-as-the-driven-snow son knows his teacher has a second job!!! *runs screaming into traffic*

Slim_Pickins December 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm

WWID "What Would I Do?" The guiding principle of prigs, everywhere.

bikerlaureate December 11, 2012 at 5:29 pm

And not all of the christianist taliban progress to "What Would I Make You Do?"

RalphCrown December 11, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Now, see, this is what happens when you teach the little ones to read. They can get ideas in their heads, and you have no idea where they got those ideas. Better to skip the whole reading thing. Or skip the whole school thing entirely.

OneYieldRegular December 11, 2012 at 1:08 pm

"An art magazine, sir, an art magazine."

"Called…Stop Press Nudes."

"But may I remind you gentlemen that not so very long ago James Joyce and even Lady Chatterley herself were considered obscene."

"Simpson, the penalty for terrorism is death."

Egregious644 December 11, 2012 at 1:20 pm

…and then there is Lynne Cheney's lesbian book: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisters_(Lynne_Chene

Smitros December 11, 2012 at 1:55 pm

In the words of Cosmo Kramer, "I'm out." With what I've written in the last decade I'll never get to teach again.

ttommyunger December 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm

The width,depth and breadth of the moronic tendencies in this Country is breathtaking.

La_Cieca December 11, 2012 at 2:27 pm

See, this is why charter schools are such a keen idea. Two or three of these nutbag parents jump to the wrong conclusion of just stone cold make some shit up because their kid got a "C" on a midterm, and the next thing you know, the teacher is being escorted off the campus by security guards and the principal is hiring someone with an associate degree in sports marketing to teach quadratic equations and Jesus Science.

Smitros December 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm

"Deena Bright" may be getting the last laugh: http://www.amazon.com/Schooled-ebook/dp/B009OV5TX

lochnessmonster December 11, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Ahhh…. The naive parents who think their teens know nothing about sex. If they only knew what the did and watched!

Schmegeg December 12, 2012 at 12:28 am

She should now write a teleplay where asshats from a small Midwestern town are occupied by the Sons of Anarchy and gang raped for three seasons. And shoot it on location.

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