Whiny Gays Finally Get Day in Court, Keep Whining Anyway

by snipy

we are going to use this drawing until the end of timeHey gay homosexuals! Be happy! The Supreme Court is going to hear your gay cases about all the sick things you gays do, like get married and serve in the military. Wait, what? You’re NOT uniformly happy that the Supreme Court will hear your gay cases because there’s some complex different issues blah blah blah? WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM US?

You have a wide variety of non-Wonkette sources that will actually, you know, explain the cases to you. For some detailed and thoughtful analysis from actual lawyers, go read SCOTUSblog. If you want a non-legalistic summary of what’s going on, try HuffPo. If you want someone to explain to you why one of these cases is cool for the homosessicans and one is bad, you can’t really do better than Mother Jones:

The DOMA case asks the justices to strike down the federal law that dictates which marriages are valid. Even better for supporters of same-sex marriage: Of the several DOMA cases the court could have taken, it decided on Windsor v. United States [4], in which plaintiff Edith Windsor was unable to claim an estate-tax deduction after her female partner died. Between striking down part of a heavy-handed federal statute and helping someone get a tax cut, it’s the kind of same-sex marriage case even a conservative justice could love. Most importantly, from the point of view of getting the requisite five votes, striking down that part of DOMA would not prevent states from banning same-sex marriage.

The Prop. 8 case argues something much broader, however: It claims there is a fundamental right to same-sex marriage in the Constitution, and that any attempt to ban same-sex marriage violates the 14th Amendment. The Ninth Circuit’s ruling was written so narrowly [5] that if the Supreme Court had decided not to take the case, then the Ninth Circuit’s decision would have affirmed the rights of same-sex couples in California alone. But if SCOTUS were to affirm the constitutionality of California’s ban on same-sex marriage, the ruling could well apply to any such law nationwide.

Let’s Wonkettize this for you. DOMA case likely to succeed because states’ rights good and taxes bad. Proposition 8 case is messy because possibly epileptic altar boy John Roberts, swarthy anger bear Antonin Scalia, quietly bloodthirsty Clarence Thomas, and perpetually in a snit Samuel Alito are pretty sure to use the case to find a way to ban teh gays from the marrying forever. So, as always, the whole thing will come down to endless maw of ass-kissing need Anthony Kennedy. Same as it ever was. So, homosexuals and friends, start sending fruit baskets or Porsche Boxsters or epic love poems or erotic chocolates or SOMETHING to Justice Kennedy ASAP.

[SCOTUSblog/HuffPo/Mojo]

 
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{ 98 comments }

Barbara_ December 11, 2012 at 10:02 am

"WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM US?"
I dunno, maybe the same rights afforded to everyone else without having to beg for them?

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 10:04 am

You took the words right outta my mouth, Miss Barbara. We want the same rights as every other US citizen.

Barbara_ December 11, 2012 at 10:05 am

Good morning, Bad Kitty. You get a head butt of approval from me.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 10:08 am

*purrs*

freakishlywrong December 11, 2012 at 10:18 am

You are every other U.S. citizen. There should be no distinction or judgement made against your rights just because some closeted fundies are askeered of their feelings down there. Pisses me right off, it does.

Mojopo December 11, 2012 at 10:08 am

Sure, YOU go ahead and take the high road, and ask him to vote his conscience people. My question is: Does he like Harry and David pears when he's sitting on a Hawaiian beach with his Ikea monkey, or is that too middle class?

widestanceromance December 11, 2012 at 10:09 am

Will it cost extra to just be left alone to live a decent life with the man I love, where do I pay and do they take checks?

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 11, 2012 at 10:22 am

A "decent life"?
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

freakishlywrong December 11, 2012 at 10:27 am

There is arugula involved.

widestanceromance December 11, 2012 at 10:34 am

I think I'm the luckiest man on the planet and you'd agree if you met my guy.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 10:49 am

:0) That makes me smile like dammit.

Terry December 11, 2012 at 10:38 am

But it's not like gay people are corporations or anything.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 10:49 am

True. We pay more taxes and have fewer rights.

elviouslyqueer December 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

Oh, I want to make hot, sweet, sweaty love to this comment. And then turn it over and do it frontways.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 12:04 pm

BAY-bee! *BadKitty swoons*

Nopantsmcgee December 11, 2012 at 11:05 am

'zactly.

I'm so tired of having to explain why I should be treated like every other tax payer. Goddammit.

Ruhe December 11, 2012 at 10:05 am

I'm booking a trailer now for delivering a Boxter full of chocolates to Kennedy.

Severen13 December 11, 2012 at 10:05 am

Yeah, you gotta keep an eye on those pesky, sneaky gays. They might break into your house and redecorate it.

HRH_Maddie December 11, 2012 at 10:13 am

"Hello 911? There's toile and ambient flowers everywhere!"

Joshua Norton December 11, 2012 at 10:33 am

Use of toile should be a hanging offense.

I'm offended that I even know what toile is. I think I must have od'd on BBC's "Changing Rooms" reruns.

vulpes82 December 11, 2012 at 10:54 am

Oh, Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen and your sleeves! And you're shocking heterosexuality!

LibertyLover December 11, 2012 at 10:37 am

I would pay to have some redecorating work done. (Being a femi-nazi and all, I have no built in talent for it.) ;-)

ChillBill December 11, 2012 at 10:06 am

First Lindsay throwing a hissy fit and now this. What's up with all the Gay whining today?

TaggWatchesYou December 11, 2012 at 10:13 am

You could say people seem to have a hard-on for gay whining.

HRH_Maddie December 11, 2012 at 10:07 am

"Erotic chocolate" was Clarence Thomas's nickname in high school.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 10:08 am

Ew.

HRH_Maddie December 11, 2012 at 10:10 am

Sorry I'm not sorry.

ManchuCandidate December 11, 2012 at 10:13 am

I thought it was Coke Can.

thatsitfortheother1 December 11, 2012 at 10:21 am

Repubelican.

EatsBabyDingos December 11, 2012 at 10:15 am

Just don't take the curly black dental floss off the Coke can if he offers it.

HRH_Maddie December 11, 2012 at 10:20 am

Talk about "ew"

Nostrildamus December 12, 2012 at 12:22 am

Short Dong Silver.

noodlesalad December 11, 2012 at 10:07 am

Lemme break this down for you.

Right to own a gun and use it against a "threatening" brown person > Right to be racist and not get fired from your job as a bloviating talk radio schmuck> States rights> Rights of white straight Christianists> Rights of fetuses > everyone else.

shelwood46 December 11, 2012 at 1:45 pm

If you want to feel bad about America, go to the IMDB page for Lincoln (the movie, without the Vampire Hunting). Scroll down to the featured user review. (Spoiler: he doesn't like it because not enough states' rights. Also too, all the white people look ugly but the black people are pretty. No, really.)

noodlesalad December 11, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Yowsah. It's gone from the top featured review for me, but it's pretty high up when you open them all up.

FlownOver December 11, 2012 at 10:07 am

We may hear from Clarence Thomas from the bench for the first time in years.

His contribution to oral argument, however, will be:

"Ewwww!"

Guppy December 11, 2012 at 10:15 am

I don't know: lesbians are involved.

thatsitfortheother1 December 11, 2012 at 10:31 am

Nobody doesn't like lesbians.

Biff December 11, 2012 at 11:42 am

Also, oral.

Katydid December 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

Maybe someone should sneak a pubic hair onto his Coke can, to calm him down a bit.

outragedcitizen December 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm

"Ewwww!" as he flicks a pubic hair from his can of Coke. Fixed!

mrblifil December 11, 2012 at 10:07 am

This will be the first Supreme Court case argued on the pages of Craigslist.

SigDeFlyinMonky December 11, 2012 at 10:09 am

Well, to quote Rodney King (RIP): Ow, ow, ow, ow,ow…..

Baconzgood December 11, 2012 at 10:11 am

I'm cheering for the fags on this one. You go girls. Good luck.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 10:11 am
Lot_49 December 11, 2012 at 10:12 am

Kennedy wants a 911. The Boxster is too cramped, even though it has better handling on account of its mid-engine layout—kinda gay, in other words.

ProgressiveInga December 11, 2012 at 10:12 am

"Same as it ever was."

"You may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful wife.
Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground…."

ManchuCandidate December 11, 2012 at 10:14 am

Shorter Wingnut: You ghey can't use those wurds (states rights, low taxes, smaller gubbiment)!! They's OUR WORDS.

oenspiek December 11, 2012 at 10:45 am

Low tax. That is worship word — Yang worship word. You will not say it!

FlownOver December 11, 2012 at 6:41 pm

E PLEBNISTA LIBEL!

freakishlywrong December 11, 2012 at 10:15 am

Wait. Whiny Gays? Didn't we just have a Lindsey post?

Goonemeritus December 11, 2012 at 10:15 am

Well I have my fingers crossed, but based on the vein constantly bulging out of Scalia’s forehead shouldn’t just wait a few months?

Joshua Norton December 11, 2012 at 10:15 am

Activate hind brain implants in Reptilian footsoldiers…..

Transmitting…..

“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

End Transmission.

Cleopatriot December 11, 2012 at 10:48 am

Oh pul-eeze. That's Adam and Stephen.

not that Dewey December 11, 2012 at 10:18 am

Which one is the goat-fucker again?

MosesInvests December 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

AOT,K (it had to be said).

RadioBitchFace December 11, 2012 at 10:19 am

FYI people, HELLO, that panty shot has made The Wonkette NSFW.
fap fap fap fap

thatsitfortheother1 December 11, 2012 at 10:28 am

It would be a public service to at least tell us who's in them.

PubOption December 11, 2012 at 10:19 am

I could believe in Janet Reno coming out, but not in her coming out of Scalia.

mavenmaven December 11, 2012 at 10:19 am

Sex, sex, sex. Why can't all you liberals just give up sex for most of your life, and just drool and lech at strip clubs like we Conservatives do?

eggsacklywright December 11, 2012 at 10:20 am

Scaly-a is a Supreme Cunt.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 10:23 am

"Each man must decide for himself where beauty lies and surely the more affection in this world, the better."

~ Dr. Don Esteban Maturin y Domanova, 1812

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 11, 2012 at 10:24 am

"Please sir, may we please have some rights? Please?"

TaggWatchesYou December 11, 2012 at 10:28 am

So basically gay marriage might maybe possibly be approached through a sneaky constitutional reach-around, but straight up propositioning is ridiculous and can't be openly accepted.

Sounds like every Republican trip to Brazil.

pinkocommi December 11, 2012 at 10:32 am

What are the chances the Supremes will stand on the side of love, and not bigotry? (Sigh)

freakishlywrong December 11, 2012 at 10:40 am

Per the haters: ♫You can't hurry love♫

glamourdammerung December 11, 2012 at 10:54 am

What are the chances the Supremes will stand on the side of love, and not bigotry?

4 to 5.

Disassembly December 11, 2012 at 10:36 am

I'm disappointed by the sincerity in this comment section.

Chet Kincaid_ December 11, 2012 at 11:48 am

Earnest Bullshit!!

LibertyLover December 11, 2012 at 10:39 am

Who is Lindsey Graham going to marry when he gets primaried out of his Senate seat? Inquiring minds want to know.

Texan_Bulldog December 11, 2012 at 10:46 am

Mebbe he can borrow Charlie Crist's 'wife'….

Aridzona December 11, 2012 at 11:08 am

Alas, Barney Frank is already taken.

SayItWithWookies December 11, 2012 at 10:46 am

The Prop. 8 case argues something much broader, however: It claims there is a fundamental right to same-sex marriage in the Constitution, and that any attempt to ban same-sex marriage violates the 14th Amendment.

Uh-oh. Scalia's one of those so-called (because it isn't a real thing) strict constructionalists who believe for some reason that the Constitution, which sets limits on how government can impose on its citizens, doesn't allow gay marriage because it's not explicitly affirmed. Nevermind that heterosexual marriage isn't either, but for some reason these Federalist Society assholes think the Constitution restricts your right to sleep with whoever you want but doesn't restrict the government's ability to torture someone at a prison camp in Cuba. Ugh.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm

This is a guy who thinks innocence is no reason to put off a perfectly good execution. The most you can hope for from Scalia is a "leave it up to the states" opinion, and even then he'd be holding his nose while he wrote it.

WhatTheHolyHeck December 11, 2012 at 1:45 pm

9th Amendment libel!

Lizzietish81 December 11, 2012 at 10:53 am

Really I'm just waiting for the day when the IRS gets fed up with the unnecessary complication this has on taxes and uses its heretofore unknown powers of just making stuff legal. And whose going to argue with them? Its the IRS, they laugh at your god.

glamourdammerung December 11, 2012 at 10:56 am

It will be interesting to see what type of "originalism" Scalia pulls out of his rear to claim that the 14th Amendment does not guarantee equal protection to groups he personally dislikes.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 11, 2012 at 11:56 am

It's what the Founders intended when they passed the 14th Amendment.

BZ1 December 11, 2012 at 11:14 am

Scalia, sounds like a disease, yup, it is…

shelwood46 December 11, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Scalia, like shingles, is caused by a herpes virus.

DahBoner December 11, 2012 at 11:14 am

I'm confused about why goat fucking is "effective"???

Efficient, yes. Cheap date, yes. But effective?

HistoriCat December 11, 2012 at 12:24 pm

If there's a happy ending then yes, it is effective.

decentcitizen December 11, 2012 at 11:19 am

I'm not expecting a game-changer on this one. I am curious how five justices will pitch their prejudices as a justifiable legal argument. I hope I'm wrong…

Biel_ze_Bubba December 11, 2012 at 11:53 am

It's easy: you make a case that the Founders were just as prejudiced as you are.
Call it "originalism", and you get a pass on being such a dick.

Nopantsmcgee December 11, 2012 at 11:22 am

FYI, Scalia et al. I'm gonna suck a dick whether you let me be married or not. Not letting me be married in the eyes of the State is not going to make me crave the lady parts. Just sayin'

Biel_ze_Bubba December 11, 2012 at 11:50 am

FYI, or just FY?

sundaytrucker December 11, 2012 at 11:34 am

If being f-ed over by the supreme court doesn't make you equal I don't know what does.

Biff December 11, 2012 at 11:37 am

To sum up: Buttsechs for errybody.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 11, 2012 at 11:50 am

Funny how you can know exactly how Scalia will rule, without having to know shit about constitutional law.
Actually, it's not funny at all.

BadKitty904 December 11, 2012 at 12:08 pm

For some of us, it's heartbreaking.

LibrarianX December 11, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Scalia: "I deny your constitutional rights because it offends my moral belief."

LibrarianX December 11, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Scalia's self-justifying reasoning begs the question: why is homosexuality immoral?

Biel_ze_Bubba December 11, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Because George Washington would have gone "eeew."

WhatTheHolyHeck December 11, 2012 at 1:47 pm

If it's not written in the constitution that homosexuality is immoral, it's unconstitutional to identify homosexuality as immoral.

Gotcha, Antonino, baby.

LibrarianX December 11, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Shoving that Originalist approach down Tony's throat. Well done.

glamourdammerung December 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm

You let these clowns appoint one president and they totally think they can do whatever they wish now.

Nostrildamus December 12, 2012 at 12:24 am

In preparation for this case, expect Thomas to do extensive background research on lesbians.
Videos, mostly.

widestanceromance December 11, 2012 at 10:55 am

Me, too.

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