Daily Caller On Important Policy Question Of Our Day: Why Is Taylor Swift So Slutty?

  taylor swift-boating

She was fully clothed when she started listening to "Speak Now."You’ve heard of Taylor Swift, right? She’s that young, pop-country musician who’s made, like, 70 gagillion dollars singing simple songs about love and loss and the teardrops on her guitar. She’s not breaking any new ground musically, sure, but turns out singing about the trials of love in a way that appeals to teenage girls is insanely lucrative. She just wants a nice boy, gosh.

But Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller cannot help but ask the important political questions: Why she such a ho?

“Wow, Taylor Swift Really Gets Around,” proclaims the headline, before it explains to us that this 22-year-old woman has dated at least SEVEN. PEOPLE.

For a woman-child who paints a picture of innocence in all her A-line dresses, high necklines, blonde bangs and saccharine-sweet lyrics, Swift really gets around.

Hear that, women who do not wear high necklines? Yours is not the picture of innocence. Yours — especially since you also do not have blonde bangs — is the picture of guilt. Sex guilt.

 
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Ms. Swift, you see, is the subject of new rumors:

Swift, 22, reportedly fell very swiftly (get it?) into the arms of One Direction’s Harry Styles, 18

First of all: Did you, indeed, get it? It is a play on her name, which is also an adjective. Past the jovial wordplay, however, we are forced to confront a strange and ominous truth: The woman who has made a career off of “saccharine-sweet lyrics” about relationships with men, occasionally, maybe, has relationships with men.

And they are gross, whorish relationships too. Just LOOK what she was doing a few years ago:

Then there was the Jake Gyllenhaal photo-ops of 2010, when Swift and the older actor were seen holding hands a lot and drinking coffee.

Oh, heavens. Holding hands?! Clearly this woman is teaching our daughters to be prostitutes. (Do we have daughters? Yes, rhetorical ones, with purities unimpugned by penises.) Taylor Swift is not only swift, she is FAST! (Get it?)

And she is being Taylor SWIFT-BOATED! (Get it?)

Swift’s latest hit, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is allegedly about Gyllenhaal, because apparently he did not want to simply “hit it and quit it” (as the kids say) and kept trying to get back together with her even though he didn’t like her lousy music. (Again, can you really blame the guy?)

It is not really clear what the author is talking about here, but it seems she has never actually heard the phrase “hit it and quit it” in real life, and that she has somehow come to the conclusion that it means staying broken up with someone. Because she is just talking from her bum (as the kids say).

The conclusions are clear, Teen Hookers Who Still Don’t Get It, so pay attention: Taylor Swift ACTS like a good girl, but she has a boyfriend sometimes, so, clearly, she is not.

And once you’re done marveling at a young, single woman’s sluttitude, you can click over to another of the author’s recent moral parables: Prohibition was bad, here are pictures of naked women. And don’t forget, ladies: Real modesty is looking like Taylor Swift, but never talking to boys, who will devalue your sweet, lily-white soul. And make you want to play the ukulele.
[Daily Caller]

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201 comments

  1. Goonemeritus

    Tucker is just pissed that not only does she have a love life but she can buy and sell him with the money she made off ringtones last month.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I imagine the hit counter on her website shows in one day what Daily Caller gets in an entire election year.

    2. Nibbler of Niblonia

      Hey, leave her alone (don't leave her alone). Tyler is a very good (not very good) writer and she completely deserves to have a forum (cesspool) in which to peddle her one-trick writing style. Everyone (no one) is an "editor" these days!

  2. Antispandex

    She really gets around? Well, she hasn't got around here…damnit. But seriously, is old Tucker suggesting that sex is only for the mens? I have a couple of friends who would be OK with that, but personally I say, slut it up ladies, I'm here for you!

      1. memzilla

        It was simply an allegory to the Missile Gap. We thought we were losing the race to produce Inter Continental Bazoomic Missiles.

  3. snowpointsecret

    All these easy targets to go after and they pick Taylor Swift of all people, who doesn't fit the complaint at all? Did they just pick names out of a hat?

    1. larrykat

      I loved that Paglia piece – such unabashed bitchiness… trashes Swift and Perry but kinda likes Rhianna?? WTF A great, befuddling piece of writing by a real screwball! Whats not to love?

    2. Negropolis

      This is an outrage! I mean, it's not like multiple Wonkette editors have ever written their own take on the same issue or a similar issue in the same day.

  4. Blunderthing

    These gasping beasts hunger for four chord miseries where women pine for love in the light of a fading moon as vampires play.

  5. An Asexual Ungulate

    Now I understand Tucker Carlson's dark secret. He's actually traveling backward in time.

    It makes sense, first the bow tie and extreme conservatism, now the apparent insistence that holding hands before marriage makes someone a filthy pigslutwhore…

    I for one look forward to his reaching an age where he feels lace cravattes are a good fashion choice and inadvertently outs himself as a reverse time traveler.

  6. Barbara_

    Tucker has never heard of Courtney Love, I take it.
    What's the worst thing Taylor Swift has ever done? There was that one time that she bit the head off a chocolate Easter Bunny and tossed the body into the crowd.

    1. Callyson

      Or of Madonna.

      And if he ever listens to Lady Gaga he'll have a coronary.

      (Rushing to iTunes to order her complete selection…)

    2. StillGoinGreen

      I heard from Selena who heard from Miley who heard from Demi that she doesn't wash her hands after she pees! EEEWWW!!

      1. Barbara_

        I dunno, StillGoingGreen. Tucker makes her sound so skanky that maybe she should wash her hands before she pees too.

  7. Botlrokit

    Taylor Bigler, you have a call on line one. It's Camille Paglia. She wants to meet for lunch, and to hate-fuck you…

  8. bumfug

    Taylor Swift is merely the tool Tucker uses to get back at all the women (literally, ALL women) who made fun of his ridiculous bow tie.

  9. memzilla

    First off, "Tucker," no one whose first name is one letter away from describing a sex performer should criticize anyone for their sex performing.

  10. MiniMencken

    I blame the whole Swiftian media pig-pile on Camille Paglia's Humbertian musings about this ange gauche, this girleen of our collective teen dreams. Totes.

  11. Tommmcatt_Again

    Sour grapes much, Tucker? What has Jake got that you don't have, anyway? Besides talent, looks, and fashion sense, I mean.

    I'm sure she'd date you if you just asked, Mr. Important and Powerful. She could pick you up on her unicorn and fly to to Cotton Candy Mountain, where you could show her your bow tie collection and she would call you "hot".

    All you have to do is believe, Tucker. No need for all this bitterness!

  12. kingofmeh

    let's play "guess the demographic" here. the target audience for the article must believe that dating 7 or more men makes you slutty; that taylor swift's relative level of "promiscuity" ranks more than a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10 in the greater world of popular music and culture; does not understand popular jargon like "hit it and quit it"; and likes simple puns on people's names.

    this piece was clearly rejected by PARADE magazine and the monthly AARP newsletter before finding a home at the Daily Caller.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      The Reader's Digest would have taken an essay on why Taylor Swift is Tucker's Most Memorable Person, which is probably closer to the truth than the tripe he published in his rag.

  13. beer4prez

    Didn't Gawker just have this exact same article? People need to stop writing stupid shit about Taylor Swift, because I'm suppose to make fun of her, not defend her.

  14. Badonkadonkette

    Did she get knocked up in high school? No? Then she's not a real slut. Bristol Palin – there's a slut.

    1. CthuNHu

      The comments are doing it a bit better:

      Who does this strumpet think she is? What makes a 22 year-old single woman think she has the right to date seven different "victims" over 2 years? That's preposterous! Doesn't she know she has to get Tucker Carlson's blessings before she drinks coffee with a man? She should marry the first guy who buys her a mochaccino, just as Jesus commanded.

      Obviously someone from this neck of the woods…

  15. kittensdontlie

    holding hands a lot and drinking coffee

    Our Mormon betters already taught us this, that coffee is a gateway to depravity.

  16. memzilla

    Daily Caller might as well have titled this article:

    "Tucker Carlson Never 'Got Any' From Teenage Girls When He Was In High School, Still Spends $2000/week For Therapy."

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I hear he spends a lot of time hanging out with Ross Douchehat, drinking Bud Lite and talking about not getting laid.

    2. MosesInvests

      I didn't 'get any' from teenage girls when *I* was in high school, but it didn't prompt me to write misogynistic crap.

    1. Negropolis

      And their phonographs! I tells ya', they are an invention of the devil. They will be the end of us, I swear.

        1. Negropolis

          Truly, it is a mainline connection between our world and the infernal one ruled by the great fiend below us.

  17. elviouslyqueer

    In conclusion: Not only does Taylor Swift get around, she is now responsible for the downfall of one of the greatest bands to have ever come out of the United Kingdom. (If you know what One Direction sings, please, tell us in the comments below. We have no idea.)

    Wow. Going to catty to snarky to puerile to moronic in 1.3 seconds. Impressive.

    1. Negropolis

      You see, a One Direction is a species of lesbian-teenage boy hybrids related to the ubiquitous Justine Beaver…

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    "For a woman-child who paints a picture of innocence in all her A-line dresses, high necklines, blonde bangs and saccharine-sweet lyrics, Swift really gets around."

    If they really want to examine hypocrisy, the Daily Caller should maybe look into Ayn Rand's use of medicare and social security. That would be a rich vein to mine…

  19. Disassembly

    I didn't get "it." Please explain with an analogy that incorporates Thomas Jefferson, Barack Obama, property and slavery.

    1. memzilla

      Just as slaves who were the property of Thomas Jefferson may have been the forebears of Michelle, the wife of President Obama, so Taylor Swift may have become the mother of the suppurating pile of jealosy to which Tucker Carlson is a slave.

      (it makes just as much sense as the article did)

    1. LakeLucilleLoon

      Nooo, wasn't Grace Slick always just the same age that we are….oh, never mind…I'll have to say more now, wasn't Grace Slick the same age my Mother always was, but just so much cooler? (but also not the one that fed me Pop Tarts and paid for anything and everything that I ever asked her to, even now, when I'm 46 and she's 66) Ok, My Mother is not as cool as Grace Slick, but she's somehow stayed married to my Dad for nearly 50 years and not killed him. In closing, I guess I'm glad the my Mother is NOT Grace Slick, she's just June Cleaver and there's nothing wrong with that. (although the Jezebel people might say that she's not empowered enough, I love my Mom and she does have her own portfolio that's worth more than my Dad's…) Sorry, when I chime in I always say too much.

  20. Joshua Norton

    Swift and the older actor were seen holding hands a lot and drinking coffee.

    ♪ Tell me more, tell me more, did she act like a whore?
    Tell me more, tell me more, was he trying to score?

    Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh ♫

  21. CrunchyKnee

    I am not familiar with this Swift lady's musical offerings, but I do know that Tucker Carlson is a douche nozzle ass wipe.

  22. BarackMyWorld

    Just seven? Unless her songs are entirely fictional, every song she has ever recorded has been about some guy who dumped her.

    Dumb kid just needs to give up for a while and just enjoy her money. Or at least stop dating male celebrities. Or quit whining about her love life in public while simultaneously using it as a money making enterprise.

    1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      You're only unclean if you were drinking coffee while holding hands. And only if you spilled some coffee on you.

  23. SexySmurf

    Jesus Fucking Christ, she's 22; she should be out fucking around!

    To be serious for a moment, the media just got off (get it?) David Petraeus' penis and now it's all up in (get it again?) Taylor Swift's vagina. They need to shut up; what goes on between consenting adults in private is no one's business.

    1. Biff

      Wait–Petraeus is all up in Swift's vajayjay? I gotta get me a copy of US to keep up with all this shit!

  24. Chet Kincaid_

    Tucker doesn't personally write everything on Daily Caller, this stellar article is by a fresh-faced bitch named Taylor Bigler, their "Entertainment Editor." For some reason, Tucker feels the need to cover the Celeb Frivolity beat for the Ladiez:
    http://dailycaller.com/author/taylor-bigler/
    WARNING: As a bonus, and if Wonkette's weren't annoying enough, if you click that link you will get 3, count 'em 3 auto-playing-with-audio videos from Ad Choices on one page!!

    1. gullywompr

      Hey now, Ad Choices took me to a pretty cool Real Social Dynamics pages yesterday. Hellooooo ladies….

  25. le petit mort

    "Hey Taylor, I'm a let you finish, but this column by Tucker Carlson got to be the worst of all time!"

  26. SorosBot

    So wait, in the Daily Caller's world of romance, are we only supposed to ever date one person in our entire lives?

  27. snowpointsecret

    If he hates Taylor Swift for holding hands with a guy, what would he think of Katy Perry kissing a girl—and liking it?

  28. rickmaci

    Call me when the issue is a sex video of Ms. Swift or at the very least pictures of her with lots of side boob. Otherwise…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

  29. BaldarTFlagass

    Between this, Jamie Foxx, and hot actress that should be president, I think I got stuck on USWeekly's website or somethin' today.

  30. ttommyunger

    Tucker needs a good blow job but we all know that aint gonna happen even though Grover Norquist has his hand in the air waving madly.

  31. MissTaken

    I forget, has Taylor Swift been photographed with no panties on like a good little slut? Inquiring minds want to know!

  32. docterry6973

    I never understood why any woman wants to have a man around, considering how we behave. And what we smell like.

      1. SorosBot

        So wait, are you saying that Tucker is "Buffalo Bill" from The Silence of the Lambs? That wouldn't be all that surprising actually.

  33. Antispandex

    BTW, and maybe a little off topic, but you would sell more t-shirts with a braless model…just sayin'.

  34. Chet Kincaid_

    In slight fairness to Daily Caller: they model themselves after Huffington Post, so they have all kinds of "departments" besides Political Outrage, such as Entertainment, Sports, Tech, Education and something called Guns and Gear. So it's not like this is their big right wing issue of the day, or even written by one of their policy nutjobs.

  35. DahBoner

    Well!

    That will be the last time I ever drop off my shirts to have the buttons sewn back on with her…

  36. Eve8Apples

    In an average year, Taylor Swift spends more on bikini waxes than Tucker Carlson earns working for the Daily Caller. I can see why Tucker is so jealous.

    1. bikerlaureate

      I've never understood why they don't just switch to swimwear that's made out of something that is washable. My board shorts get wax on 'em, but they don't need to be waxed…

  37. kyeshinka

    I'll bet Carlson got all Tucker-ed out writing this. What…ho ho..huh huh. Tuckered out. I am HILARIOUS!!!!

  38. HobbesEvilTwin

    Charlie Pierce's name for Politico is Tiger Beat on the Potomac.

    The jokes have become reality.

  39. DeathOfIrony

    Like Thomas Jefferson, Tucker Carlson is now busy just cold pulling stuff out of his taint. And putting it on the web. TJ had to do it free-hand. He was from the greatest generation.

  40. HarryButtle

    Jeebus. I have a 12 year old daughter. I know celebs aren't supposed to be role models, but they are. So, I want my daughter to grow up just like:

    A. Taylor Swift
    B. Rhianna
    C. Lady Gaga
    D. Katy Perry
    E. Ke$ha

    etc, etc, etc. I think you can see where this is going.

  41. Steverino247

    This is going to sound weird, but that picture of the young lady with the records? Probably what my mother looked like just before I was conceived.

  42. Negropolis

    There is not a word These Wonkettes can write that will make me respect Taylor Swift more either as a musician or person. To attempt to slut shame her is entirely inappropriate and wrong, but I feel no sympathy for any other type of criticism she gets, because she largely deserves it as far as I'm concerned.

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