Passing the Baton

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Welcomes Moonie ‘Investigative Reporter’ For All Future Racism Debunkings

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Why Does Lauren Faust Still Refuse to Investigate Benghazi?Lest anyone think that the continued twitchings of the Breitbart Empire represent some sort of chant du cygne, the crew at Big Government want you to know that there’s a danse macabre in the old dame yet! That is to say, just as Dick Cheney continues to feed on the souls of the living, Ghost Breitbart is still bringing in new blood. Just last week, they acquired Matthew Boyle for their important “black people are thugs” beat, and now, they’ve scored “investigative journalist” Kerry Picket from the Moonie Times. We’re pretty sure that we won’t accidentally call her “him” anymore!

And just what is it that makes Picket such an investigative ace? Breitbart remnant Tony Lee tells us that she conclusively proved that black legislators are a bunch of race-baiting liars, for one thing!

During the Obamacare protests in 2010, Picket debunked allegations made by prominent members of the Congressional Black Caucus … that Tea Party protestors shouted the N-word at Rep. [John] Lewis. Picket interviewed people who were at the Capitol Hill protests and went to police stations across Washington, D.C. to ask if police officers had heard of such an incident. She discovered there had been no complaints about protestors yelling the N-word, contrary to what mainstream media outlets were reporting at the time.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how to do an investigation! Nobody went to the police to say “Someone called John Lewis the n-word!” Ergo, the whole story is conclusively debunked! QE muthafuckin’ DEE. In her first scoop for her new zombie overlords, Picket will reveal that an exhaustive search of records from America’s emergency rooms, animal shelters, and massage parlors turned up absolutely no reports of so-called “Global Warming.”

Andrew Breitbart’s legacy is indeed in capable hands.

[BigGovernment]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I am thinking about cygne chanting as we speak!

  • Disassembly

    This is almost as stupid as saying that carbon dioxide is natural so it cannot be a problem. Almost.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      So is carbon monoxide. Still wouldn't want to be a room full of it.

      • Lizzietish81

        You ever hear about the villages in Africa where everyone was dropping dead in the middle of the night?

        Tuned out the nearby lake was belching a poisonous gas….carbon dioxide.

      • MissTaken

        And anthrax. Ouch.

    • eggsacklywright

      Sillies, it's global warping they should be worried about.

    • Biff

      And what about ether? It's just fine for teh interwebz, but use it just one time as an aid to mutually-agreed-upon sexytime…

      • glasspusher

        I used it to knock off some rabbits last spring. Made ether bunnies out of them (ducks).

  • glasspusher

    So, even with Breitbart dead, his minions continue to grasp at straws, now without his help? Clearly, a lasting legacy…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I see an abundance of Pulitzers in their future.

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      Having carnal congress with poultry is the only "pullet surprise" that crowd is ever going to see.

    • LibertyLover

      Certainly a Peabody or two, maybe even a producer-ship for Ms. Picket on the Vaulted Bill O'Reilly show where one can get sexually harassed and get a settlement out of court.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Would you say you see a plethora of Pulitzers?

  • Shypixel

    I am pretty sure just using the word 'racist' makes anything you say racist.

    • noodlesalad

      That's racist! Wait, now I'm racist too!

      • Esteev

        I'm not racists! Oops, I guess I am now!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ever since he died, Breitbart Empire just goes from strength to strength. He must be manipulating events from the great beyond.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Breitbart is going for Generalisimo Francisco Franco's record for being dead.

    • HistoriCat

      He's a real life death Hari Seldon!

  • freakishlywrong

    The wingnuts are truly swirling the rabbithole.

  • Lizzietish81

    Wait…so she's a Moonie?

  • Lizzietish81

    The tide comes in, the tide goes out, you can't explain it!

    Except with science, but that's of the devil.

  • LesBontemps

    Another day that Breitbart is still dead. ♪♫♪♫♪♫♫♫♪♪♪♫

  • Secluded Compound

    Picket interviewed people who were at the Capitol Hill protests…

    "Tea Partiers aren't racist; I asked the Tea Partiers and they told me it wasn't so."

    • Esteev

      I'm sold.

  • http://academia.edu/2156577/Critical_Bioregionalist_Method_in_Dune_A_Position_Paper 4TheTurnstiles

    Kerry, would you like to see my Moonie? It has a crack in it but some folks say it's nice

  • Callyson

    She discovered there had been no complaints about protestors yelling the N-word, contrary to what mainstream media outlets were reporting at the time.

    "Did you hear someone complaining about the use of the N-word?"

    "Complaining, no. Practicing, yes…"

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    If there's no global warming in massage parlors then they're doing it wrong.

    • Geminisunmars

      See, it is decadence that is causing it. Moral derpitutde has made the oceans rise.

    • eggsacklywright

      Happy endings uber alles.

  • edgydrifter

    On the other hand, she's heard a lot of talk about Obama being a Kenyan Marxist Islamofascist, so that's probably factual.

  • TootsStansbury

    Ugh. Are we there yet (peak wingnut)?

    • freakishlywrong

      Oh nowhere near it. We still have a Ruby Ridge meltdown a WACO style tragedy and Federal building tantrum.

      • TootsStansbury

        I sometimes worry it might even be worse than those things.

        • Lizzietish81

          Well thanks to the increase in Obesity it'll be easier to catch the anti government masses before they can get far.

      • SorosBot

        We've already had quite a few crazed wingnut attacks and murder sprees, just nothing on the scale of Oklahoma City. And now we can't dare call any of them terrorism if the perpetrator is white.

        • Geminisunmars

          Miss Scarlette says if they are white, then they are Taraists.

  • SorosBot

    Huh, and here I thought a racist ass calling someone the N-word was not in fact a crime and no one would file a police report about it, and in fact it would be incredibly stupid to think that anyone would do so.

  • noodlesalad

    Journamalism. How does it work?

    • Lizzietish81

      Questions come out, answers come in, you can't explain it!

      • Esteev

        Questions come out, answers come in, you can't report that!

        FTFY!

  • Callyson

    Picket has also produced news content for Robin Quivers on “The Howard Stern Show” on Sirius satellite radio as well as written copy for MTV Radio.

    Wow, her career really went downhill…

    • One_who_wanders

      From the peak of a molehill to underground.

  • SorosBot

    "Debunked". You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

    • Geminisunmars

      I debunk every morning. Don't you?

      • eggsacklywright

        It's like unbedding.

        • Geminisunmars

          Well, I embed at night, and then debunk in the morning.

    • Lizzietish81

      That's when you get out of bed right?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    In fact, no one at Breitbart even knows what particular word-beginning-with-N a person is referring to when they say or write "N-word."

  • MissTaken

    and went to police stations across Washington, D.C. to ask if police officers had heard of such an incident. She discovered there had been no complaints about protestors yelling the N-word, contrary to what mainstream media outlets were reporting at the time.

    I didn't realize every time someone calls me a bad word (bitch, poopyhead, cracker-ass-cracker) I'm supposed to go to the cops and file a complaint so Breitbart's Ghost can report on it. Thank you Kerry for keeping me so informed!

    • SorosBot

      Tattle-tale!

    • Geminisunmars

      If I had to file a complaint every time, I'd have to move into the station.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      While youre at the station make sure you complain to everyone about how you pay too much in taxes.

      • MissTaken

        While yelling at the cops that *I* pay their salaries so they need to take me seriously

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Victimhood. U R doin it RONG.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I'm surprised that these people can breath and bathe at the same time.

    I know that I'm going out on a limb by postulating that they ever wash. Mom's basement probably doesn't have a working bathroom.

    • TootsStansbury

      I don't think they can breathe while out in the rain.

    • lulzmonger

      Luckily, sponge-on-a-stick drownings are rare.

  • CrunchyKnee

    So, I guess that I am the racist one because the cunts "logic" made my head explode?

    • Disassembly

      Now you've gone and done it. The police should be at your place soon to follow up on the inevitable report filed in response to your comment.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Fire is good if it heats your house and cooks your dinner, but bad if burns the place down. So confusing.

  • snowpointsecret

    Debunking Tea Party racism is like debunking gravity. You can claim it but nobody with the capability of rational thought will actually believe you.

    • sewollef

      Debunking Tea Party christianity is the same, as is debunking Tea Party humanity.

      They can claim it, but it sure as shit isn't true and no one with functioning brain cells will believe them.

    • Lizzietish81

      Heh, during our days doing clinic escorting, the protesters would sometimes shout about how Evolution was just a theory, and my sister would respond with "so's gravity but you haven't fallen off the planet have you?"

      • Geminisunmars

        I'd like to see them prove that gravity thingy.

  • Guppy

    QE muthafuckin’ DEE

    I prefer the classier "QEDMF."

    Pinkie (Pie) raised!

  • Schmannnity

    Will Big Government be enlisting more trolls? I'm getting lonely.

  • StillGoinGreen

    No, they were screaming, "Bigger, Bigger!!", as they would like to see Obamacare cover more of America's fine citizens. Right?

    • eggsacklywright

      Or maybe "knicker, knicker" since their pants were all twisty.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    GAH! VIDEO AD! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

    • Doktor Zoom

      If it comes up again, could you get the URL and email rebecca@wonkette.com? We really do want to get rid of those.

  • Boojum

    But what would Newt Gingrich think about it?

  • Lucidamente1

    Picket, however, did report that police heard numerous shouts of "motherfucker, I want more iced tea."

  • GoodDogThor

    Gotta problem with it? Take it up with their new ombudsman, John Rocker.

  • ttommyunger

    The Derp is strong with this one. I don't believe for a minute she checked with the cops, but if she did, those cops are thinking the same thing I'm thinking: what a dumb cunt.

  • Lizzietish81

    She checked their blogger in the paper the day after.

    • ttommyunger

      No doubt.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Exclusive interview: "I never did call him no nigger. I called him a no good fuckin' jungle bunny."

    See, no racism.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It seems that just about anything qualifies as a "hero" or an "empire" these days. Is the dead guy's "empire" actually worth anything?

  • Esteev

    Big Gov't dot com would find better info if they just paid someone to Google stuff all day.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Weak sauce. Nobody who works there can be thought worthy of their mission until they have become meth addicts, soiled themselves in public, constructed elaborate hetero backstories to divert attention, and committed themselves to delusion with such Andy Kaufman-like ferocity that their heart's literally explode. At that point I might give a fuck what they have to say, and even then strictly for the lulz.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    You know what other Kerry was not so very…?

  • GeorgiaMike

    Maybe Breitbart isn't exactly dead, but was sent to the Racist Assholes section of the Phantom Zone. So if he gets out, it's going to be all "The son of Barack will be my slave forever. Kneel before Breitbart."

  • malsperanza

    Let's play SAT analogies!

    Here, I'll start:

    Breitbart:Journalism::Ketchup:Vegetable.

    • Nostrildamus

      Kerry Picket:Big Journalism :: dildo:anus

  • MadBrahms

    If it's "vettening", should it also be "Racism Debunkening"?

  • groverjefferson

    UGH. Few things get me angrier than people debating what happened to John Lewis and the CBC that day.

    Is it crazy to take the word of a man who was arrested 40+ times and had the crap beaten out of him too many times to count while on the front line of the ugliest parts of the Civil Rights Movement when he says someone did or said something that reminded him of those bad old days? If only because the alternative is accusing one of the most kindly and heroic figures of the US House of opportunistically lying and race-baiting for the sake of an imperfect health care law?

    Yup. I'm the crazy one, and have been hustled by John "Race Pimp" Lewis all these years. WALKING WITH THE WIND IS A BOOK OF LIES.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    "without a liberal filter" but with the B*S filter turned up.