Passing the Baton

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Welcomes Moonie ‘Investigative Reporter’ For All Future Racism Debunkings

Why Does Lauren Faust Still Refuse to Investigate Benghazi?Lest anyone think that the continued twitchings of the Breitbart Empire represent some sort of chant du cygne, the crew at Big Government want you to know that there’s a danse macabre in the old dame yet! That is to say, just as Dick Cheney continues to feed on the souls of the living, Ghost Breitbart is still bringing in new blood. Just last week, they acquired Matthew Boyle for their important “black people are thugs” beat, and now, they’ve scored “investigative journalist” Kerry Picket from the Moonie Times. We’re pretty sure that we won’t accidentally call her “him” anymore!

And just what is it that makes Picket such an investigative ace? Breitbart remnant Tony Lee tells us that she conclusively proved that black legislators are a bunch of race-baiting liars, for one thing!

During the Obamacare protests in 2010, Picket debunked allegations made by prominent members of the Congressional Black Caucus … that Tea Party protestors shouted the N-word at Rep. [John] Lewis. Picket interviewed people who were at the Capitol Hill protests and went to police stations across Washington, D.C. to ask if police officers had heard of such an incident. She discovered there had been no complaints about protestors yelling the N-word, contrary to what mainstream media outlets were reporting at the time.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how to do an investigation! Nobody went to the police to say “Someone called John Lewis the n-word!” Ergo, the whole story is conclusively debunked! QE muthafuckin’ DEE. In her first scoop for her new zombie overlords, Picket will reveal that an exhaustive search of records from America’s emergency rooms, animal shelters, and massage parlors turned up absolutely no reports of so-called “Global Warming.”

Andrew Breitbart’s legacy is indeed in capable hands.


About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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      1. Lizzietish81

        You ever hear about the villages in Africa where everyone was dropping dead in the middle of the night?

        Tuned out the nearby lake was belching a poisonous gas….carbon dioxide.

    1. Biff

      And what about ether? It's just fine for teh interwebz, but use it just one time as an aid to mutually-agreed-upon sexytime…

  1. glasspusher

    So, even with Breitbart dead, his minions continue to grasp at straws, now without his help? Clearly, a lasting legacy…

    1. SigDeFlyinMonky

      Having carnal congress with poultry is the only "pullet surprise" that crowd is ever going to see.

    2. LibertyLover

      Certainly a Peabody or two, maybe even a producer-ship for Ms. Picket on the Vaulted Bill O'Reilly show where one can get sexually harassed and get a settlement out of court.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Ever since he died, Breitbart Empire just goes from strength to strength. He must be manipulating events from the great beyond.

  3. Lizzietish81

    The tide comes in, the tide goes out, you can't explain it!

    Except with science, but that's of the devil.

  4. Secluded Compound

    Picket interviewed people who were at the Capitol Hill protests…

    "Tea Partiers aren't racist; I asked the Tea Partiers and they told me it wasn't so."

  5. Callyson

    She discovered there had been no complaints about protestors yelling the N-word, contrary to what mainstream media outlets were reporting at the time.

    "Did you hear someone complaining about the use of the N-word?"

    "Complaining, no. Practicing, yes…"

  6. edgydrifter

    On the other hand, she's heard a lot of talk about Obama being a Kenyan Marxist Islamofascist, so that's probably factual.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Oh nowhere near it. We still have a Ruby Ridge meltdown a WACO style tragedy and Federal building tantrum.

        1. Lizzietish81

          Well thanks to the increase in Obesity it'll be easier to catch the anti government masses before they can get far.

      1. SorosBot

        We've already had quite a few crazed wingnut attacks and murder sprees, just nothing on the scale of Oklahoma City. And now we can't dare call any of them terrorism if the perpetrator is white.

  7. SorosBot

    Huh, and here I thought a racist ass calling someone the N-word was not in fact a crime and no one would file a police report about it, and in fact it would be incredibly stupid to think that anyone would do so.

  8. Callyson

    Picket has also produced news content for Robin Quivers on “The Howard Stern Show” on Sirius satellite radio as well as written copy for MTV Radio.

    Wow, her career really went downhill…

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    In fact, no one at Breitbart even knows what particular word-beginning-with-N a person is referring to when they say or write "N-word."

  10. MissTaken

    and went to police stations across Washington, D.C. to ask if police officers had heard of such an incident. She discovered there had been no complaints about protestors yelling the N-word, contrary to what mainstream media outlets were reporting at the time.

    I didn't realize every time someone calls me a bad word (bitch, poopyhead, cracker-ass-cracker) I'm supposed to go to the cops and file a complaint so Breitbart's Ghost can report on it. Thank you Kerry for keeping me so informed!

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      While youre at the station make sure you complain to everyone about how you pay too much in taxes.

  11. Oblios_Cap

    I'm surprised that these people can breath and bathe at the same time.

    I know that I'm going out on a limb by postulating that they ever wash. Mom's basement probably doesn't have a working bathroom.

    1. Disassembly

      Now you've gone and done it. The police should be at your place soon to follow up on the inevitable report filed in response to your comment.

  12. snowpointsecret

    Debunking Tea Party racism is like debunking gravity. You can claim it but nobody with the capability of rational thought will actually believe you.

    1. sewollef

      Debunking Tea Party christianity is the same, as is debunking Tea Party humanity.

      They can claim it, but it sure as shit isn't true and no one with functioning brain cells will believe them.

    2. Lizzietish81

      Heh, during our days doing clinic escorting, the protesters would sometimes shout about how Evolution was just a theory, and my sister would respond with "so's gravity but you haven't fallen off the planet have you?"

  13. StillGoinGreen

    No, they were screaming, "Bigger, Bigger!!", as they would like to see Obamacare cover more of America's fine citizens. Right?

  14. Lucidamente1

    Picket, however, did report that police heard numerous shouts of "motherfucker, I want more iced tea."

  15. ttommyunger

    The Derp is strong with this one. I don't believe for a minute she checked with the cops, but if she did, those cops are thinking the same thing I'm thinking: what a dumb cunt.

  16. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Exclusive interview: "I never did call him no nigger. I called him a no good fuckin' jungle bunny."

    See, no racism.

  17. Oblios_Cap

    It seems that just about anything qualifies as a "hero" or an "empire" these days. Is the dead guy's "empire" actually worth anything?

  18. mrblifil

    Weak sauce. Nobody who works there can be thought worthy of their mission until they have become meth addicts, soiled themselves in public, constructed elaborate hetero backstories to divert attention, and committed themselves to delusion with such Andy Kaufman-like ferocity that their heart's literally explode. At that point I might give a fuck what they have to say, and even then strictly for the lulz.

  19. GeorgiaMike

    Maybe Breitbart isn't exactly dead, but was sent to the Racist Assholes section of the Phantom Zone. So if he gets out, it's going to be all "The son of Barack will be my slave forever. Kneel before Breitbart."

  20. groverjefferson

    UGH. Few things get me angrier than people debating what happened to John Lewis and the CBC that day.

    Is it crazy to take the word of a man who was arrested 40+ times and had the crap beaten out of him too many times to count while on the front line of the ugliest parts of the Civil Rights Movement when he says someone did or said something that reminded him of those bad old days? If only because the alternative is accusing one of the most kindly and heroic figures of the US House of opportunistically lying and race-baiting for the sake of an imperfect health care law?

    Yup. I'm the crazy one, and have been hustled by John "Race Pimp" Lewis all these years. WALKING WITH THE WIND IS A BOOK OF LIES.

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