one nation under dog

Fox News Host Reveals Dastardly Obama Plan To Replace Christian God With Bo The Dog

I'm dreaming of a black ChristmasThe Obama White Black Muslim House is sending out a “holiday” card (not a CHRISTMAS card, despite the fact that CHRIST IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON except for Hanukkah but that doesn’t count because unlike Christmas it’s just a random religious holiday that marketers got their hands on) that prominently features their hypoallergenic dog deity, Bo.

The 2012 White House “Holiday” card spotlights the Obama’s family Portuguese water dog — instead of Christmas. The black and white illustration was designed by Iowa artist Larassa Kabel and shows Bo the dog, wearing a scarf, while  frolicking in the snow on the South Lawn of a blurred White House. The inside of the card reportedly reads, ”This season, may your home be filled with family, friends, and the joy of the holidays.” The card is signed by the entire First Family — along with Bo’s paw print.

Let’s realize what the holidays are really for: bundling up your family in matching clothes, making them sit uncomfortably for half an hour in a Sears photo studio, then sending out a meticulously detailed letter listing every banal accomplishment of your empty suburban lives to people you haven’t talked to in months.

The 2012 card made no mention of any specific holiday nor did it include a Bible verse noting the birth of Christ.

Here is a pictorial history of the White House Holiday Card, which, other than Dubya spraying straight Bible tracks all over his Christmas mixtape (and inventing the little-known Hanukkah Tree), is basically an unbroken string of bland images of the White House coupled with nondemoninational holiday well-wishes.  As an actual historian said in the LA Times, the cards are pretty much always nondemoninational going back to the 1920s, which is like nearly over a hundred years ago, more or less. 

President Obama’s “holiday” cards have been the subject of controversy in the past.  His 2009 greeting card made no reference to Christmas, drawing the ire of Republican Congressman Henry Brown. “I believe that sending a Christmas card without referencing a holiday and its purpose limits the Christmas celebration in favor of a more ‘politically correct’ holiday,” the South Carolina congressman told Fox News Radio in 2009.

To be fair, Henry Brown only served during the Bush Administration and the first two years of the Ungodly Obama Occupation, so it makes sense that he knows absolutely nothing about the history of a wholly unremarkable bit of holiday fluff.

Anyway, now that your Wonkette has devastatingly proven that complaints about the White House Holiday Card are undeniably full of shit, we are off to worship at our golden idol of Bo, who is frozen in a beautiful tableau of having his holy leg lifted to urinate on a flag-draped coffin with a homemade cross on top.

Please stop the War on Boism. 

[Fox News Radio]

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    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I am going to celebrate by sniffing my bed, rustling the coverings with my nose, then turning in a swirl for an indeterminate period of time to finally plop down in the center of the cosy mass. Then I will give a satisfied yawn and wait for "food time".

  1. Mumbletypeg

    just a random religious holiday that marketers got their hands on

    I've wondered if "In Marketing We Trust" would not only be more honest: where 'murican legacy is concerned, marketing and the scheming & duplicity behind it probably is older than God.

    1. mrpuma2u

      ezzacklee! Where is all the xmas imagery stolen from pagan idolatry we have come to know and love as signs to spend beyond one's means?

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Fox probably took exception to the card Obama sent the newsroom there, with the "Merry Holidays, You Ho-Ho-Honkies!"

  3. Not_So_Much

    Those muslins don't even have the decency to put Bo in a hideous sweater or have him hold a Glock. Won't somebody think of the children?

  4. Goonemeritus

    Anything short of Christ bleeding on the cross with Romans poking him with spears is just not Christmasiee enough for this Catholic.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Dude, please. Wait for Easter when it is the appropriate season to commemorate His Holy Messiah-ness's death can be celebrated with purty pastels and Mallow Peeps™®

      1. Goonemeritus

        By focusing on the tortured death of Christ it keeps us from being distracted by some of those icky humanitarian messages of his life.

        1. Toomush_Infer

          and gives us such a poignant message about the necessity of home weaponry – they'd never have taken him in the Garden if he'd been carrying!…

    2. malsperanza

      I could have sworn it was Jews that were doing the spear-poking thing. Because Romans are mostly Catholics, which is sort of Antichristish, but still basically Christian, so it can't have been them.

      Although, come to think of it, when it comes to spear-chucking, I'm pretty sure that's some other group of non-Christian scum . . . forget which bunch, though. Someone help me out, here. Anyone? Bueller?

    1. doloras

      According to Islam, Baby Jesus was born knowing how to speak (and sassed back the townsfolk who dissed his mama), so knowing how to read isn't much of a stretch.

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      This is so sick……………love it.
      I recollect that teh Jeebus was spared, all the other Jewish kids had a bad time of it though.

  5. memzilla

    Hey, I don't complain that News Corp's Christmas Card offends me personally, and is dishonest, because it doesn't show Roger Ailes getting triple-penetrated by Rupert Murdoch and the Koch Bruddahs, so STFU, Faux News.

  6. SoBeach

    I got that card from the Obamas, and boy was I pissed. No matter how hard I shook it no money fell out. Not even a free Obama-phone. I tell ya, that's the last time I ever vote for him for president.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Your healthcare comes in the form of the card being laced with invisible antioxidants from Michelle's power garden.

  7. UnionSpies

    It's a Christmas miracle! The majority of the comments on the Fox Radio site are pro-Bo!

    Maybe because it's one of those sites that use your Facebook login to comment and the usual crusaders can't hide behind anonymity…. Oh, wait…

    1. shelwood46

      Nah, I think we just found the bright line in the War on Christmas. Store clerk (who is not me) must always say "Merry Christmas"= Damn right! You can't put a picture of your family dog on your Christmas cards= Wait, what?

  8. MissTaken

    For some convoluted reason involving China I used to receive the W holiday card each year. Yes, Holiday card. Never a mention of Christmas.

    Was I outraged? Yes, because I was receiving the card in the first place.

    1. James Michael Curley

      I got all of the Clinton Cards except for 1996. I think Clinton's 95 card included the word Christmas in the greeting.

      Several of Bush's (W) included new testament scripture but I don't recall if the scripture was related to Christmas. I just didn't pay any attention to them and the last time I looked at them was when I opened them.

  9. Jus_Wonderin

    Hell, we got snow today. Probably 10, maybe 15 flakes, and my dogs wouldn't even go outside. Somehow, they know when it snows. I call this time of year "Piddle Pad Days".

  10. OkieDokieDog

    This card has the paw print of approval from Santa Dog and the sweet Puppy Jeebus.

    Dog is my Co-Pilot. Woof.

    1. Beowoof

      Sure buy all your made in China crap and then go over to the Evangelical Mall Church and thank Jeebus for all of the material crap you just bought. It sounds so meaningful.

    1. finallyhappy

      I have said this twice to the officers outside the White House- one thought it was funny and one said "Yes, ma'am"

    2. Nostrildamus

      The untold story is those decoys were forced to have plastic surgery to resemble Bo while their families were held hostage.

  11. Joshua Norton

    It also bothers me, deeply, that the White House Card leaves out:

    My cousin Vinny
    My dog "Charlie"
    Specific Democrats
    Socialists and
    Ex-corporate magnates who saw the light and became socialists.

    1. glesslib

      I am especially offended on behalf of Druids. They are damned cold out in the forest at this time of year, and the evil man in the White House should acknowledge them.

  12. Jus_Wonderin

    I wonder, does Bo like Frankincense or Myrrh? Personally, I like Scnapps but the is not pertinent here, I suppose.

  13. Lizzietish81

    My favorite part of the "reason for the season" people is that the actual reason we have a holiday there is because of the winter solstice, the end of the darkening and celebration of the return of light.

    And if you tell them this they go all "Nu-UH!" even though they're well aware that Jesus wasn't even born in December. One woman claimed that no one knew so "they chose a day at random", which just happened to coincide with all the Pagan holidays.

    And really, if they REALLY wanted to get back to the true meaning of CHRISTmas, they would stop spending so much money on stuff, get rid of the tree, the decorations and the grossly inaccurate nativity scene and just have a small birthday party. Jesus hates to be reminded of his age after all, its so tacky.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      We actually had a surprise birthday party for Jesus once. All of us kept wondering WWJD when we jumped out and yelled surprise. You should have seen the look on his face.

      Sadly, I thought the invite said "No Gifts". Do you know what it feels like to be the only one that was not bearing gifts? I excused myself to go full on McGyver. Rummaged in my friend's medicine cabinet and made a nifty cross of out some cotton swaps and dental floss. Whew. He was even cool with the Percocet I gave him too.

      1. Lizzietish81

        One year my church for their Christmas Pageant had some of the younger kids sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. They had to be dressed as giant presents too, which is kind of sick if you think about it (though we weren't Catholic so its less ironic now)

        They suffered an even greater indignity than I did, I was playing Mary and all I did was kneel while the older kids, who were the stars, were talking about the littlest star who would be getting the biggest flashlight at the end. Worse, Joseph was a foot shorter than me.

    2. Guppy

      And if you tell them this they go all "Nu-UH!" even though they're well aware that Jesus wasn't even born in December.

      Your mileage may vary, depending on what Gospel you're looking at this week. Luke states that John the Baptist is 6 months older than Jesus, and that Zechariah was chillin' in the Temple when God told him that he'd be knocking up Elizabeth shortly.

      If you assume that Zechariah was chilling in the Temple because it was Yom Kippur (sort of reasonable, but not explicit), that puts JtB's conception in ~September, his birth nine months later in ~June, and Jesus' birth six months later in ~December.

      So you abandon the Jewish calendar in favor of the Roman (because Jews), peg the respective conceptions and births to the dates of the equinoxes and solstices at the time Caesar made his calendar (3/25, 6/24, 9/24, 12/25), forget about three of the four over the course of 2000 years, and only remember the December one because of Dickensian propaganda, and that gives you the living Hell that is Christmas today.

      The moral of the story is that having four different Gospels means you can make the text say whatever you want it to say.

      1. doloras

        But the shepherds were watching their flocks in the fields. You wouldn't do that at midwinter, not even in Palestine. Jesus was probably born in the spring – isn't the Hebrew month of Nisan the recommended ballpark?

        1. malsperanza

          True to the Christian obsession with sex conception, about 300 years after the event, church leaders decided it was important to know when Jesus was conceived.

          Apparently even when God's yo Daddy, gestation is still 9 months. (Who knew?) And for reasons I prefer not to explore, because eww, squick, early church scholars (or dingbats, if you will) decided that Jesus's conception and crucifixion must have occurred on the same day in the calendar. Because Sex = Death, or something. God likes patterns. Whatever.

          So they counted backward 9 months from Good Friday and hey bingo: Dec. 25. Nothing at all to do with the Roman Saturnalia, or the early Christian propensity for syncretism, or any of that. Just the basic Sex = Death, over an over, reliably, always.

          Which is why leaving the Christ out of December 25 greeting cards is so horrible and wrong: because it would be truly horrible and dirty if we celebrated Christ's conception instead, which is March 25. In other words, on Good Friday we should all turn our thoughts to some really unusually hot sex spiritual enlightenment Mary was having, which she later commemorated by assassinating her son. (With votes.)

          Good summary of the various options here:

  14. DCBloom

    I get a card from the White House every year, and it's always beautiful and tasteful. Obviously, the prez has a lot of Jews on the list (like us!), do these wingnuts not get that?

    1. Lizzietish81

      One of my neighbors has a decoration of Santa Clause looking over a baby in the manger. It left me confused and uncomfortable.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I'm trying to remember which travel author describes spending Xmas in Japan one year, and seeing with mixed horror and amusement a shopping window display showing Santa Claus hung on a cross. It wasn't so much for laughing at the Japanese' (or those behind the display) expense as it was the author pointing out another east-meets-west misappropriation of borrowed pageantry.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          If my neighborhood didn't have soo many oldz, I might put that up as a yard decoration. But, I fear the unending sounds of EMT and ambulance sirens would annoy me.

        2. HistoriCat

          Wasn't there a story about a kerfuffle over a display showing Santa crucified in Virginia? I could swear I read about it on Wonkette. But it doesn't show up if I do a search for "War on Christmas" on the site – at least it's not among the first 30-40 posts with that label.

  15. PrimlyStable

    The bio of the Fox report's author, Todd Starnes, notes that his book is "endorsed by Sarah Palin, Mark Levin and Sean Hannity".

    So I wouldn't expect much from his 'journalism'.

  16. widestanceromance

    How does Fox explain a muslin keeping a black dog? Oh, sorry there I go again with logic and/or consistency. My bad.

    1. doloras

      True story – dog ownership has become popular in Iran, since Iranians have learned that if you own a dog the religious police will steer clear of your house.

  17. elviouslyqueer

    Honestly, at this point these assholes are going to need the jaws of life, a backhoe, and a Wonderbra the size of Nebraska to get their titties sufficiently unbunched.

  18. Oblios_Cap

    I tell you now
    Love me love my dog . . . . .
    So love me love my dog
    If you can't understand
    Then I guess we'll have to move on out up land.

  19. Lot_49

    Anybody want to share some OT rage about this "accident"?

    Lt. Eric Hermick with the Pennsylvania State Police, said: "He got in the drivers side of the car, had a .9 mm gun in his hand, was setting it in the center console and it discharged, hitting his son in the upper right chest."
    The boy was already strapped in the booster seat when the gun went off accidentally. Police say the father was backing his car out of a space in the parking lot of Twig's Reloading Den, when the gun discharged….According to the police, Loughrey said he thought the gun was not loaded. But the store owner Leonard Mohney, who only heard the gunshot, said: “Instead of checking it, they’ll pull the magazine out and they will not check the chamber. It’s just an unfortunate incident.”

    Just! Ya gotta admire the safety-consciousness of a dad who puts his kid in the safety seat and then leaves a loaded pistol on the console.

    1. Lizzietish81

      eta: damn there goes my great Terminator bit…

      My mom once impaled her hand with a knitting needle while backing out of a driveway.

  20. Lizzietish81

    Also, all the outrage over saying "Holidays" is hilarious because "Holiday" is a derivative of "Holy Day"

    Aaaaah stupid people, the gift that keeps on giving.

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    And aren't them Portuguese some kinda Muslims or somethin'? why can't the Obamas have a good American dog, like the Bushes and their Scottish Terriers?

  22. Terry

    I am so frickin tired of ginned up outrage. The only good thing about it is it shows that the wingnuts can't find anything real to be pissed off about.

  23. MacRaith

    Uh-oh, that's a line that should not have been crossed. Late tonight, Michelle Obama is going to rappel into Todd Starnes' bedroom dressed in a ninja suit, wake him up by pressing a cold steel blade to his throat, and whisper, "You do not mess with Bo!" in his ear.

  24. Guppy

    Jesus was born a Jew, and like all good little Jewish boys he was circumcised seven days later. This gives us the long-forgotten Christian Feast of the Circumcision.


  25. glesslib

    Fox will never be able to bring itself to give up on this meme. Their audience of old white geezers expects crap like this every year. It is as much a part of old white christian crazy Christmas as putting up the tree and getting into a huge knock-down drag out fight on Christmas with your son-in-law.

  26. Yellerdawg

    The War On Christmas is over. Christmas lost; Walmart won. One or two "Black Friday Melee" vids is all you need to see for proof. BTW- our founding fathers in Massachusetts outlawed Christmas for a time. Having a Christmas tree in your house could get you a day in the stocks.

  27. eastcoastelite

    Har har har. The best part of the "Bo Holiday Card" is the idea that there is still a chance the atmosphere can get cold enough to make snow. Verrrrrrrrrry funny NoBama. You don't fool me with your fake God, Bo with his fake snow and whimsical scarf.

  28. glesslib

    Fox must REALLY hate the Pope, who wrote a book this year that says that there were no animals in the stable and that angels didn't sing. He'll soon be outed by Faux for what he really is….Al Quaida,no doubt about it.

    1. malsperanza

      Well, the Pope. I mean: worse than Bin Laden. In fact, when Obama is not being Bin Laden, he is the Pope. Have you ever seen them together" Eh, have you?

  29. ccp1956

    My family looks forward to the great fiction stories enclosed within banal cards from fellow suburbanites. First we have a dramatic reading of the stories to the group, followed by in depth analysis of what is really meant by the author if you read between the lines. This event is always accompanied by copious amounts of wine and is truly in the spirit of the season.

  30. SorosBot

    "President Obama’s “holiday” cards have been the subject of controversy in the past."

    Um, that's because everything Obama does has been "the subject of controversy in the past". because assholes like you guys at Fox decide to treat every fucking action of his as if its a scandal, no matter how trivial or normal, like these silly Christmas cards. That doesn't mean it's actually controversial, moron; just that you shitheads, who are the problem, will treat the manner the President pisses as if it's a scandal.

      1. StillGoinGreen

        I think it is more like, "SHHH! Don't tell them that their incessant ranting has them in danger of becoming even more isolated and obsolete". With every tongue-fart they waggle, they become more and more like gassy ol' Uncle Gus – literally, if you look at the last exit polling data. Each time they spout off that "The world is ending because OBOMBER CARE" and it doesn't – another Teatard Angel loses his wings!

  31. StillGoinGreen

    Here in the Ole Lone Star state, our CHRISTmas card has a picture of a gut-shot coyote lying beside a freshly injected Death Row minority on the cover. On the inset, it reads:

    "Perry Christmas to All"

  32. JustPixelz

    Even Dubya knew he shouldn't talk about zombie Jebus while he was manufacturing corpses in Iraq to resolve his Oedipal issues.

  33. SuspectedDemocrat

    Let's not forget the reason for the season, ala Sheldon Cooper:

    December 25th, 1642. Julian calendar. Sir Issac Newton is born. Jesus, however, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrates the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats, which frankly sounds like more fun than twelve hours of Church with my mother, followed by fruit cake.

  34. Jeri 2.0

    Hopefully, Obama will hold a press conference shortly where he will announce that on Christmas, and every Sunday from here on out, all businesses will remain closed so that their employees can stay home and worship as is ordered in their Bible. Oh, and that will mean TV stations, too (lookin' at you FUX), and hospitals and police and power plants and WALMART!!!!

  35. valthemus

    "… sending out a meticulously detailed letter listing every banal accomplishment of your empty suburban lives to people you haven’t talked to in months."

    My proposed bill to make Christmas newsletters illegal got filibustered in the Senate. DAMN REPUBLICANS!

  36. ElPinche

    Through Him, with Him, in Him, in the Unity of the Holy Canine. All glory and honor is yours, almighty Bobama, for ever and ever.
    Amen. Woof.

  37. Redhead

    Isn't this level of everyone's-out-to-get-us-(because-if-they-don't-love-us-or-give-us-billions-of-dollars-then-they-MUST-OBVIOUSLY-hate-us-duh) paranoia one of the signs of schizophrenia and personality disorders?

  38. GoodDogThor

    For those worshiping at the holy altar of Bo (hallowed be thy name), just remember the advice of the wise men who say unto thee: "Don't eat the yellow snow".

  39. Come here a minute

    His 2009 greeting card made no reference to Christmas, drawing the ire of Republican Congressman Henry Brown.

    When asked for comment, the congressman's brother Charlie replied, "Good grief."

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