flotus files

Second Term Michelle Obama Will Win Grammy, Keep Stealing Your Favorite Snacks

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That's MRS. Flotus to you...Good day to you, FLOTUS fans! How have you been lately? Have you been obeying your morning arm-workout regimen or have you been binge eating in your bathroom? Michelle is always watching, you know! Your FLOTUS correspondent has been busy these past few weeks, considering a run for Jesse Jackson, Jr.’s congressional seat. (This is very time consuming, as one must rack up a sufficient number of felony convictions in order to be considered a truly viable candidate.) But now, rejoice we shall! For our Queen First Lady “Let Them Eat Egg Whites” Michelle Obama has been granted a second term. And so we must begin the required speculation: were these first four years just a preamble to something much greater? Will the REAL Michelle Obama finally show her true colors, and if so, how much will these colors cost us, the peasant taxpayers? That depends on how many obese 5th graders she will hire to carry her to the Grammy Awards.

Although she already successfully killed all our Twinkies (arguably the Seal Team Six moment of her first lady-ship) we know that our Michelle Obama is just getting started!

Look out: Here comes another Clinton vs. Obama race.

Make that Bill Clinton and Michelle Obama, and the contest is for a Grammy Award for Best Spoken Word Album.

Obama is up for American Grown, her story about growing vegetables in the White House garden and getting healthy food to the table. Clinton’s effort is the recording of his book, Back to Work, which was chock full of ideas on how to grow the economy and strengthen the federal government.

“Michelle Obama reading to us about gardening” is also up against “Rachel Maddow yelling at us about the military” and “Ellen DeGeneres making jokes.” What do we suppose this means, about feminism? Oh well! Michelle Obama now, and in 2016! [USA Today]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • thatsitfortheother1

    Wingnuttery is nuttery.

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      He offered me a Vegemite sandwich.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Where beer does flow, and men chunder.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Do you come from a land down unDerp?

      • eggsacklywright

        Slack-jawed, not much to say…

        • thatsitfortheother1

          So we've met?

          • eggsacklywright

            Probably at the word-of-mouth Dead concert on August 27, 1973, in a field somewhere between Springfield and Eugene, I'd guess.

          • thatsitfortheother1

            Seattle, perhaps.

          • eggsacklywright

            Possible…I am a Seattlonian.

          • DCBloom

            I think it was Eugene

          • eggsacklywright

            Careful with that axe.

    • Lizzietish81

      Nuts take up more room to grow actually and wing nuts need a lot of attention.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        If only they'd use their wings to do something useful. Like migrate south.

    • Toomush_Infer

      on wings….

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Have you been obeying your morning arm-workout regimen

    *Glances at 5-lb. dumbbell located under office desk for just that purpose*

    Just as soon as I'm finished with this cherry-cheese danish and donut (designer-flavor: "French Toast") and I'll … I'll think about it!

    • Terry

      I lifted a delicious everything bagel to my mouth repeatedly. I'm calling that a workout. It's Monday. Sue me.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        "Monday's child is full of grace;
        Sue me if I stuff my face!"

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Needs moar beer, both of you

          • Terry

            If beer is involved, I'll be napping under my desk this afternoon.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            That's sort of the point….

    • RadioBitchFace

      You ain't whistling Dixie there, or are you?

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Indeed — can you blame me?

        • not that Dewey

          Donut tempt me like that. I'm still trying to force down this plain greek yogurt.

  • Barbara_

    American Grown: Hoeing your way to the top.

  • finallyhappy

    I've seen the garden from afar and one of the WH officers told me(when I asked about Bo) that Bo sometimes gets walked as far as the vegetable garden- I hope the First Dog is not fertilizing anything. I noted that in the tiny garden at the Governor's House in Maryland- our First Lady Katie O'Malley also has a vegetable garden(now with "winter ground cover") and a bee hive. I also hear our governor is thinking about running for President in 2016 so our Mrs. O- is getting ready to take over the big Garden.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    In the garden, growth has it seasons. First comes spring and summer, but then we have fall and winter. And then we get spring and summer again.

    • eggsacklywright

      Chauncy!

    • Doktor Zoom

      I like to watch.

    • Lizzietish81

      And then Winter gave Spring and Summer a pass and went straight on into Autumn….

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      As long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the garden.

      • MosesInvests

        The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not touched by the frost.

    • Pithaughn

      And Bill has his chair almost touching hers, nod nod, know what I mean?

    • Goonemeritus

      I suspect Michelle can walk on water as well.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Not being much into gardens, I think I would have to choose Rachel Maddow yelling at me about the military.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      I'm guessing there are lots of people taking up gardening in Colorado and Washinton.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        With lots of weed. Ing.

  • kittensdontlie

    What will sink the FLOTUS's chances for the Senate?? Geraldo will break into Al Capone's vault, and find her doomsday-hoard of Twinkies.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    American Groan, Rush Limp-paw reading from his collected works.

  • Aridzona

    Also up for consideration is Ann Romney reading from her tear stained campaign trail missive: "You People. This Is Hard."

    • LesBontemps

      I'd prefer a CD of nothing but her weeping.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        With some horseys (or maybe ponies?) neighing gently in the background.

        • eggsacklywright

          Geez, buncha neigh-sayers.

  • TootsStansbury

    Oh NOES. The lovely FLOTUS is making me feel guilty for indulging in the spontaneous seasonal appearance of home made cookies.

    • HistoriCat

      You can still eat the cookies, you'll just have to drop and give her twenty push-ups after each one.

  • Estproph

    I'm still trying to get my head around the idea of giving out Grammys for books.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Me too, so I looked it up.
      Al Franken won in 2004, for a political topic not generic comedy — the latter of which Betty White no doubt put to use for her win just last year.

      ETA: I didn't find what I was looking for — criteria to determine what makes one nominee more "winning" than another — but was also interested to see Alan Arkin took home a Grammy in 1986 for his recorded reading of Catch-22~

    • Lizzietish81

      Comedy albums aren't what they used to be I guess.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      They weren't originally for books, tho.

      See, way back in the day, when your mom was young and I hadn't ravished her yet, there was this thing called "radio". And on the "radio," you could hear not only time, temperature, transit, news, and the latest outburst by whatever fat walrus tit was popular at the time (and then followed by a rebuttal from a responsible spokesman of the opposing viewpoint) but what we used to call "plays."

      "Plays" were like TV or movies, only more so and better. Many of these "plays" were recorded and released as "record albums" so you could listen to them whenever you wanted to.

      Now….a "record album"…

  • noodlesalad

    Lettuce proceed to bind the wounds of our nation, and achieve true, just and delicious peas.

    • eggsacklywright

      Headline from The Onion? Let's not get into a rhubarb.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Rutabaga, Rutabaga,

        Rutabaga, Rutabaga,

        Rutabay-y-y-y…

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Call any vegetable!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Nobody likes your chive talkin'.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          Shuckin' and chivin'.

    • Lizzietish81

      Whirled peas!

    • MissTaken

      Turnip the beet!

      • eggsacklywright

        Or…turnip the tracks
        Make it all sound phat
        How you feel about dat?

  • RadioBitchFace

    Why can't she be classy, like that Toluene Walker? That Russ is so funny when he calls her Moochelle.

    • eggsacklywright

      Toxic, but good at solvent problems.

      • PubOption

        Aromatic as well.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Great, now I'm hungry.

    • eggsacklywright

      Have a Beggin' Strip. Who's a good doggie?

  • memzilla

    Can enough fifth-grader Children of Wingtards rebel against the First Lady's advice about eating to the point where they will weigh so much that there aren't enough black UN helicopters to airlift them into the FEMA camps?

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      Then we don't need helicopters. Just put the FEMA camps at the bottom of the hill and disguise them as a Chuck-E-Cheese. The little darlings will just roll right in. The smaller carbon footprint will be gravey, so to speak.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        If the camp is surrounded by hills, we won't even need a fence.

  • James Michael Curley

    Michelle, you can have anything I have. Just be gentle.

  • Goonemeritus

    “Michelle Obama now, and in 2016!”

    I’m afraid this should read Hilary 2016 and Michelle 2020; please keep up with the latest releases from our Politburo.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      PUMA, baby!

    • eggsacklywright

      Or as the Dims call it, politburro.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I'd want to hear her voice in my ear as I was about to orgasm. Preferably while IN her…

  • freakishlywrong

    History's greatest gardener. (and momster).

  • Lizzietish81

    Meanwhile, in the alternate universe where Romney won, Anne is asked if she will keep up the garden and says she doubts it since they couldn't keep their immigrant landscapers, and besides she gets her food imported from France…whether it was grown there or not.

    However since she wants to show that she's one of the people, she'll be having one of her maids keep the garden and that bee hive. Maybe that Maria girl, or is it Anita? Well anyways, being Mexican they know a lot more about growing food than she does so it should be fine.

    Of course if she should need the space for her horse, then the garden will simply have to go.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I might buy American Grown so I can edit it per word to say sweet things about Jus Wonderin. Do you figure she says the word Wonderin' in the spoken text? And, might she scold us about the size of our cucumbers? Oh please. Please.

  • Mojopo

    Every morning I make a salad for the FLOTUS shrine in my home. Sometimes we squeeze some lemon juice and aerosolized walnut oil on it, and on the bad days we add oyster crackers, bacon, a bag of shredded cheese, a box of donuts, some Fig Newtons, a can of baby ravioli and tears of shame.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    She should call it her Victory Garden. Just to rub it in.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Mrs. Obama's book should rake in the profits.

  • DixvilleCrotch

    I prefer Egg Romney's reading of Go The F*ck To Sleep.

  • Mojopo

    Did I ever tell you about the time I started gardening because of my late father and FLOTUS? Remind me to someday. Did I tell you that I wrote to FLOTUS about my experience, and I got an e-mail from her? Do I care if someone slapped her name on it, or that it was probably an assistant who replied to me pretending to be Michelle? I don't, because it's an official embedded file from Her, and it's my prize. Yes I do gardening – anyone who wants to be somebody should. I will tell you now that it starts with one plant on a balcony, that becomes a jungle later. And then you will buy a community garden plot. From there, your new life begins.

    • RadioBitchFace

      <Agent typing with green thumb>

    • DCBloom

      Yep, I started with a few tomato plants in the summer to a full on two season garden. Right now, we got winter kale collards and turnips.

      • Mojopo

        I envy you! I tried to build a hoop house for my community garden last season, and neglected to realize that I am not good with a drill, and that the hardware store sold me brittle PVC pipes, instead of the more flexible kind. Once I finally assembled it, five hours and $125 later (in the rain and mud, and the dog shit some jerk left behind), it snapped when I bended it. Never again. I want a winter garden, but not bad enough.

        • DCBloom

          Sounds like a nightmare! Really though, get yourself some Russian kale seeds and just throw them in there about September.They will pop right up through the snow. Also, if you get some tiny collard plants they will also grow all through the winter.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I had a tomato plant on my balcony one year. Damn squirrels ate all the tomatoes.

      • Cleopatriot

        Damn squirrels bit into all of my tomatoes but didn't eat them. So I had tomatoes with little bites taken out of them. Damn squirrels.

        • Mojopo

          They'll try. I sprinkle ground cinnamon on the dirt and the squirrels seem to hate it. Well, that and the reflective spinny-thing I got for a buck at the grocery store. They hate bright spinny-things, too.

      • Biff

        In a pinch, you can eat squirrels. Worms ate all of mine, and they're just not as tasty as squirrels.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Mmmmm….Flotus…..like fine wine….

  • christianmuslin

    The White House will contribute to deficit reduction now that we no longer need a pastry chef to keep up with appearances. FLOTUS is free to request low-fat cottage cheese topped with freshly ground black pepper with sections of fresh fruit topped with freshly ground cinnamon for desserts at state dinners.

    The real dessert of course will be Hillary Clinton and Nancy Raygun seated next to Michelle at the State of the Union!

  • JustPixelz

    No doubt ACORN fixed it so she'll win.

    MO is already POTUS of my heart. She won me over in a glandslide.

    I thought she was up for a Grahamy — for contributions to graham cracker appreciation.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Janis Ian vs Ellen DeGeneres vs Rachel Maddow, I can sense a trend here …

  • ttommyunger

    Michelle, Hillary, Rachel, or Stephany Miller. Liz Warren. Shiela Bair. I keep thinking of women I could support in 16. It is a long fucking list.

  • docterry6973

    I vote for Ellen DeGeneres telling jokes. How do I get my bag of Grammy goodies?