FLOTUS FILES  10:10 am December 10, 2012

Second Term Michelle Obama Will Win Grammy, Keep Stealing Your Favorite Snacks

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...Good day to you, FLOTUS fans! How have you been lately? Have you been obeying your morning arm-workout regimen or have you been binge eating in your bathroom? Michelle is always watching, you know! Your FLOTUS correspondent has been busy these past few weeks, considering a run for Jesse Jackson, Jr.’s congressional seat. (This is very time consuming, as one must rack up a sufficient number of felony convictions in order to be considered a truly viable candidate.) But now, rejoice we shall! For our Queen First Lady “Let Them Eat Egg Whites” Michelle Obama has been granted a second term. And so we must begin the required speculation: were these first four years just a preamble to something much greater? Will the REAL Michelle Obama finally show her true colors, and if so, how much will these colors cost us, the peasant taxpayers? That depends on how many obese 5th graders she will hire to carry her to the Grammy Awards.

Although she already successfully killed all our Twinkies (arguably the Seal Team Six moment of her first lady-ship) we know that our Michelle Obama is just getting started!

Look out: Here comes another Clinton vs. Obama race.

Make that Bill Clinton and Michelle Obama, and the contest is for a Grammy Award for Best Spoken Word Album.

Obama is up for American Grown, her story about growing vegetables in the White House garden and getting healthy food to the table. Clinton’s effort is the recording of his book, Back to Work, which was chock full of ideas on how to grow the economy and strengthen the federal government.

“Michelle Obama reading to us about gardening” is also up against “Rachel Maddow yelling at us about the military” and “Ellen DeGeneres making jokes.” What do we suppose this means, about feminism? Oh well! Michelle Obama now, and in 2016! [USA Today]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 92 comments }

thatsitfortheother1 December 10, 2012 at 10:12 am

Wingnuttery is nuttery.

SigDeFlyinMonky December 10, 2012 at 10:30 am

He offered me a Vegemite sandwich.

thatsitfortheother1 December 10, 2012 at 10:34 am

Where beer does flow, and men chunder.

actor212 December 10, 2012 at 10:36 am

Do you come from a land down unDerp?

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 10:38 am

Slack-jawed, not much to say…

thatsitfortheother1 December 10, 2012 at 10:43 am

So we've met?

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 10:49 am

Probably at the word-of-mouth Dead concert on August 27, 1973, in a field somewhere between Springfield and Eugene, I'd guess.

Lizzietish81 December 10, 2012 at 10:42 am

Nuts take up more room to grow actually and wing nuts need a lot of attention.

thatsitfortheother1 December 10, 2012 at 10:44 am

If only they'd use their wings to do something useful. Like migrate south.

Toomush_Infer December 10, 2012 at 10:57 am

on wings….

Mumbletypeg December 10, 2012 at 10:14 am

Have you been obeying your morning arm-workout regimen

*Glances at 5-lb. dumbbell located under office desk for just that purpose*

Just as soon as I'm finished with this cherry-cheese danish and donut (designer-flavor: "French Toast") and I'll … I'll think about it!

Terry December 10, 2012 at 10:23 am

I lifted a delicious everything bagel to my mouth repeatedly. I'm calling that a workout. It's Monday. Sue me.

Mumbletypeg December 10, 2012 at 10:25 am

"Monday's child is full of grace;
Sue me if I stuff my face!"

actor212 December 10, 2012 at 10:37 am

Needs moar beer, both of you

Terry December 10, 2012 at 10:39 am

If beer is involved, I'll be napping under my desk this afternoon.

RadioBitchFace December 10, 2012 at 10:29 am

You ain't whistling Dixie there, or are you?

Mumbletypeg December 10, 2012 at 10:39 am

Indeed — can you blame me?

not that Dewey December 10, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Donut tempt me like that. I'm still trying to force down this plain greek yogurt.

Barbara_ December 10, 2012 at 10:15 am

American Grown: Hoeing your way to the top.

finallyhappy December 10, 2012 at 10:15 am

I've seen the garden from afar and one of the WH officers told me(when I asked about Bo) that Bo sometimes gets walked as far as the vegetable garden- I hope the First Dog is not fertilizing anything. I noted that in the tiny garden at the Governor's House in Maryland- our First Lady Katie O'Malley also has a vegetable garden(now with "winter ground cover") and a bee hive. I also hear our governor is thinking about running for President in 2016 so our Mrs. O- is getting ready to take over the big Garden.

BaldarTFlagass December 10, 2012 at 10:18 am

In the garden, growth has it seasons. First comes spring and summer, but then we have fall and winter. And then we get spring and summer again.

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 10:23 am

Chauncy!

Doktor Zoom December 10, 2012 at 10:27 am

I like to watch.

Lizzietish81 December 10, 2012 at 10:33 am

And then Winter gave Spring and Summer a pass and went straight on into Autumn….

actor212 December 10, 2012 at 10:39 am

As long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the garden.

MosesInvests December 10, 2012 at 11:19 am

The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not touched by the frost.

Pithaughn December 10, 2012 at 10:46 am

And Bill has his chair almost touching hers, nod nod, know what I mean?

Goonemeritus December 10, 2012 at 10:53 am

I suspect Michelle can walk on water as well.

BaldarTFlagass December 10, 2012 at 10:20 am

Not being much into gardens, I think I would have to choose Rachel Maddow yelling at me about the military.

thatsitfortheother1 December 10, 2012 at 10:24 am

I'm guessing there are lots of people taking up gardening in Colorado and Washinton.

actor212 December 10, 2012 at 10:40 am

With lots of weed. Ing.

kittensdontlie December 10, 2012 at 10:21 am

What will sink the FLOTUS's chances for the Senate?? Geraldo will break into Al Capone's vault, and find her doomsday-hoard of Twinkies.

Chow Yun Flat December 10, 2012 at 10:21 am

American Groan, Rush Limp-paw reading from his collected works.

Aridzona December 10, 2012 at 10:22 am

Also up for consideration is Ann Romney reading from her tear stained campaign trail missive: "You People. This Is Hard."

LesBontemps December 10, 2012 at 10:29 am

I'd prefer a CD of nothing but her weeping.

BaldarTFlagass December 10, 2012 at 10:33 am

With some horseys (or maybe ponies?) neighing gently in the background.

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 10:51 am

Geez, buncha neigh-sayers.

TootsStansbury December 10, 2012 at 10:22 am

Oh NOES. The lovely FLOTUS is making me feel guilty for indulging in the spontaneous seasonal appearance of home made cookies.

HistoriCat December 10, 2012 at 12:55 pm

You can still eat the cookies, you'll just have to drop and give her twenty push-ups after each one.

Estproph December 10, 2012 at 10:23 am

I'm still trying to get my head around the idea of giving out Grammys for books.

Mumbletypeg December 10, 2012 at 10:30 am

Me too, so I looked it up.
Al Franken won in 2004, for a political topic not generic comedy — the latter of which Betty White no doubt put to use for her win just last year.

ETA: I didn't find what I was looking for — criteria to determine what makes one nominee more "winning" than another — but was also interested to see Alan Arkin took home a Grammy in 1986 for his recorded reading of Catch-22~

Lizzietish81 December 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

Comedy albums aren't what they used to be I guess.

actor212 December 10, 2012 at 10:45 am

They weren't originally for books, tho.

See, way back in the day, when your mom was young and I hadn't ravished her yet, there was this thing called "radio". And on the "radio," you could hear not only time, temperature, transit, news, and the latest outburst by whatever fat walrus tit was popular at the time (and then followed by a rebuttal from a responsible spokesman of the opposing viewpoint) but what we used to call "plays."

"Plays" were like TV or movies, only more so and better. Many of these "plays" were recorded and released as "record albums" so you could listen to them whenever you wanted to.

Now….a "record album"…

noodlesalad December 10, 2012 at 10:24 am

Lettuce proceed to bind the wounds of our nation, and achieve true, just and delicious peas.

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 10:28 am

Headline from The Onion? Let's not get into a rhubarb.

thatsitfortheother1 December 10, 2012 at 10:41 am

Rutabaga, Rutabaga,

Rutabaga, Rutabaga,

Rutabay-y-y-y…

starfanglednut December 10, 2012 at 11:17 am

Call any vegetable!

actor212 December 10, 2012 at 10:45 am

Nobody likes your chive talkin'.

thatsitfortheother1 December 10, 2012 at 10:49 am

Shuckin' and chivin'.

Lizzietish81 December 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

Whirled peas!

MissTaken December 10, 2012 at 10:57 am

Turnip the beet!

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 11:02 am

Or…turnip the tracks
Make it all sound phat
How you feel about dat?

RadioBitchFace December 10, 2012 at 10:28 am

Why can't she be classy, like that Toluene Walker? That Russ is so funny when he calls her Moochelle.

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 10:37 am

Toxic, but good at solvent problems.

PubOption December 10, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Aromatic as well.

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 10, 2012 at 10:29 am

Great, now I'm hungry.

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 10:36 am

Have a Beggin' Strip. Who's a good doggie?

memzilla December 10, 2012 at 10:31 am

Can enough fifth-grader Children of Wingtards rebel against the First Lady's advice about eating to the point where they will weigh so much that there aren't enough black UN helicopters to airlift them into the FEMA camps?

SigDeFlyinMonky December 10, 2012 at 11:02 am

Then we don't need helicopters. Just put the FEMA camps at the bottom of the hill and disguise them as a Chuck-E-Cheese. The little darlings will just roll right in. The smaller carbon footprint will be gravey, so to speak.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 10, 2012 at 10:30 pm

If the camp is surrounded by hills, we won't even need a fence.

James Michael Curley December 10, 2012 at 10:31 am

Michelle, you can have anything I have. Just be gentle.

Goonemeritus December 10, 2012 at 10:33 am

“Michelle Obama now, and in 2016!”

I’m afraid this should read Hilary 2016 and Michelle 2020; please keep up with the latest releases from our Politburo.

actor212 December 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

PUMA, baby!

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 10:55 am

Or as the Dims call it, politburro.

actor212 December 10, 2012 at 10:35 am

I'd want to hear her voice in my ear as I was about to orgasm. Preferably while IN her…

freakishlywrong December 10, 2012 at 10:38 am

History's greatest gardener. (and momster).

Lizzietish81 December 10, 2012 at 10:40 am

Meanwhile, in the alternate universe where Romney won, Anne is asked if she will keep up the garden and says she doubts it since they couldn't keep their immigrant landscapers, and besides she gets her food imported from France…whether it was grown there or not.

However since she wants to show that she's one of the people, she'll be having one of her maids keep the garden and that bee hive. Maybe that Maria girl, or is it Anita? Well anyways, being Mexican they know a lot more about growing food than she does so it should be fine.

Of course if she should need the space for her horse, then the garden will simply have to go.

Jus_Wonderin December 10, 2012 at 10:41 am

I might buy American Grown so I can edit it per word to say sweet things about Jus Wonderin. Do you figure she says the word Wonderin' in the spoken text? And, might she scold us about the size of our cucumbers? Oh please. Please.

Mojopo December 10, 2012 at 10:47 am

Every morning I make a salad for the FLOTUS shrine in my home. Sometimes we squeeze some lemon juice and aerosolized walnut oil on it, and on the bad days we add oyster crackers, bacon, a bag of shredded cheese, a box of donuts, some Fig Newtons, a can of baby ravioli and tears of shame.

BaldarTFlagass December 10, 2012 at 10:47 am

She should call it her Victory Garden. Just to rub it in.

Chow Yun Flat December 10, 2012 at 10:50 am

Mrs. Obama's book should rake in the profits.

DixvilleCrotch December 10, 2012 at 10:53 am

I prefer Egg Romney's reading of Go The F*ck To Sleep.

Mojopo December 10, 2012 at 10:54 am

Did I ever tell you about the time I started gardening because of my late father and FLOTUS? Remind me to someday. Did I tell you that I wrote to FLOTUS about my experience, and I got an e-mail from her? Do I care if someone slapped her name on it, or that it was probably an assistant who replied to me pretending to be Michelle? I don't, because it's an official embedded file from Her, and it's my prize. Yes I do gardening – anyone who wants to be somebody should. I will tell you now that it starts with one plant on a balcony, that becomes a jungle later. And then you will buy a community garden plot. From there, your new life begins.

RadioBitchFace December 10, 2012 at 10:57 am

<Agent typing with green thumb>

DCBloom December 10, 2012 at 11:07 am

Yep, I started with a few tomato plants in the summer to a full on two season garden. Right now, we got winter kale collards and turnips.

Mojopo December 10, 2012 at 11:46 am

I envy you! I tried to build a hoop house for my community garden last season, and neglected to realize that I am not good with a drill, and that the hardware store sold me brittle PVC pipes, instead of the more flexible kind. Once I finally assembled it, five hours and $125 later (in the rain and mud, and the dog shit some jerk left behind), it snapped when I bended it. Never again. I want a winter garden, but not bad enough.

DCBloom December 10, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Sounds like a nightmare! Really though, get yourself some Russian kale seeds and just throw them in there about September.They will pop right up through the snow. Also, if you get some tiny collard plants they will also grow all through the winter.

starfanglednut December 10, 2012 at 11:21 am

I had a tomato plant on my balcony one year. Damn squirrels ate all the tomatoes.

Cleopatriot December 10, 2012 at 11:36 am

Damn squirrels bit into all of my tomatoes but didn't eat them. So I had tomatoes with little bites taken out of them. Damn squirrels.

Mojopo December 10, 2012 at 11:38 am

They'll try. I sprinkle ground cinnamon on the dirt and the squirrels seem to hate it. Well, that and the reflective spinny-thing I got for a buck at the grocery store. They hate bright spinny-things, too.

Biff December 10, 2012 at 12:14 pm

In a pinch, you can eat squirrels. Worms ate all of mine, and they're just not as tasty as squirrels.

Toomush_Infer December 10, 2012 at 10:59 am

Mmmmm….Flotus…..like fine wine….

christianmuslin December 10, 2012 at 11:00 am

The White House will contribute to deficit reduction now that we no longer need a pastry chef to keep up with appearances. FLOTUS is free to request low-fat cottage cheese topped with freshly ground black pepper with sections of fresh fruit topped with freshly ground cinnamon for desserts at state dinners.

The real dessert of course will be Hillary Clinton and Nancy Raygun seated next to Michelle at the State of the Union!

JustPixelz December 10, 2012 at 11:43 am

No doubt ACORN fixed it so she'll win.

MO is already POTUS of my heart. She won me over in a glandslide.

I thought she was up for a Grahamy — for contributions to graham cracker appreciation.

BZ1 December 10, 2012 at 11:57 am

Janis Ian vs Ellen DeGeneres vs Rachel Maddow, I can sense a trend here …

ttommyunger December 10, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Michelle, Hillary, Rachel, or Stephany Miller. Liz Warren. Shiela Bair. I keep thinking of women I could support in 16. It is a long fucking list.

docterry6973 December 10, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I vote for Ellen DeGeneres telling jokes. How do I get my bag of Grammy goodies?

actor212 December 10, 2012 at 10:54 am

That's sort of the point….

thatsitfortheother1 December 10, 2012 at 10:55 am

Seattle, perhaps.

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 10:58 am

Possible…I am a Seattlonian.

DCBloom December 10, 2012 at 11:01 am

I think it was Eugene

eggsacklywright December 10, 2012 at 11:04 am

Careful with that axe.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: