It has been a month since the Presidential election exposed the rotting flesh of Dick Morris’ underbelly, and he won’t stand by idly while people call him a fool! Morris has just released a super in-depth analysis of why Mitt Romney lost on his ultra snappy website, and it’s not that same old “he got less votes than the other guy” line you’ve heard from pundits who aren’t as good at swimming in their own bullshit. It also isn’t because minorities have increased their share of the vote – no, rest easy good citizens; Dick assures us whites are still important as ever if they’d just GET OUT AND VOTE. (Dick Morris is wrong.) But it is possible — we’re just asking — that Dick Morris’s real purpose in the election wasn’t polling or punditing or whatever it was he thought he was doing, but rather was fleecing people who read Newsmax? People who read Newsmax … like you???
Mr. Dick Morris is awfully sad everyone keeps making fun of him, especially since everyone at The Hill thinks he’s a joke and Fox won’t air his segments without special permission. How was he supposed to know a storm would slow a surging Mittens Romnibus? Dick Morris isn’t a meteorologist! Rimshot.
But does he have lots of lovely money to dry his tears? MAYBE.
According to FEC data released December 6, Morris’ Super PAC for America paid conservative news outlet Newsmax Media roughly $1.7 million for “fundraising” in October and November. A significant portion of the super PAC’s money likely went to renting Morris’ own email list, which is operated by Newsmax Media.
A Media Matters review found that in the month before the election, Morris sent at least 21 emails to his mailing list featuring fundraising pitches that were “paid for by Super PAC for America.” Super PAC also “paid for” at least 25 emails to Newsmax.com’s main email list during the same period.
This is the second consecutive election cycle that Super PAC for America has paid significant money to Newsmax. The group, which was formed prior to the 2010 midterm elections, paid Newsmax Media nearly $2 million in 2010 for advertising, fundraising, and “email list rental.” At the time, Morris also sent numerous fundraising solicitations to his email list that were “paid for by Super PAC for America.” Morris also regularly used his Fox News platform in 2010 to promote the group.
Yr. Wonkette would like to note that Dick Morris wouldn’t have to deal with any of this if the rubes on the Newsmax mailing list had coughed up some cash when he sent those emails. If you’d been on that list, you would have received a lot of incredibly important spam urging you to give to Super Pac for America, because Dick needed more money to rent his own email list to raise even MORE money because Romney for America! (Do your part to bankrupt Newsmax — and Dick Morris? — by clicking on their shit so they have to give Wonkette all of their money. But not in a click-fraudy way! Only because you are INTERESTED.) It was sorely needed – next to poor white turnout, lack of funds is what hindered the Romney campaign most. Poor Dick Morris wouldn’t have been wrong if everyone had just done exactly what he expected them to.
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"Here comes the landslide!" is what Dick Morris yells every time he sits down on the toilet.
As Jon Stewart says another turd rolling down Bullshit Mountain News.
And "Raise the drawbridge!" when he's floating down the river on his back.
"Here comes the landslide!" is what Dick Morris yells every time he sits down
on the toiletunder a hooker's ass./fixed
In 2011, the New York Times reported that Newsmax's soaring profits were tied to their ability to leverage their "politically plugged-in" readership, with the outlet regularly renting out their mailing list to various groups for thousands of dollars.
And Smedley Butler thought *he* had a racket going?
My brother and I were going to write a movie about Smedley Butler, but I was too busy sitting around the living room being unemployed for four years.
It was gonna be a rock 'n' roll opera thing, right?
Hey that could be an awesome shoot em up describing his early life.
Ah yes, the ol' "unexplained gap in your employment history." Fun times.
I said the same thing in the late 80s about a musical based on Billy Joel records but the buttsechs got in the way, and next thing I know, fuching Twyla is stealing my notes…
No wait! This is brilliant!
A Newsmax reader donates to Morris' SuperPAC, which in turn gives the money to Newsmax so they can solicit more money from the reader for Morris' SuperPAC, so the reader is effectively financing his own spam!
Do you realize the implications of what Newsmax and Morris have discovered? It's a fucking perpetual motion machine running on idiocy, man!
Finally, buttsecks… of the financial variety.
"Show us on the bank statement where Dick Morris touched you."
They're consenting adults. Anyone who gets in bed with him gets what he deserves.
Morris can always go back to doing Little Friskies commercials, I guess.
He does seem to have 9 political lives and is finicky, but for feet.
Romney was, in fact, leading before Sandy
How cute, the wingnuts still believe that crap…
Only in the polls that were wrong.
I had an adjective leap to mind that was a little stronger than "cute"…
Well, actually, it was the polar opposite.
Christie is a big part (heh) of the problem too:
Hey, so long as they don't stop believing before the 2014 election, let's soothe their egos with any excuse they like.
Newsmax must have some tasty toes.
nasty, dirty, tasty toes. Oh big toe, you tease!
Morris, hope the next toes he sucks on have athletes foot.
That'll be the closest to exercise he's ever gotten.
Hey, Toe-Sucking Prostitutes don't come cheap!
Because Sandy. That's just great.. Also, if "whites stayed home", doesn't that make them lazy ass motherfuckers?
I stayed home; I am lazy.
Fortunately, Warshington state has an all-mail-in ballot, so I was able to stay at home and vote about a week before the actual day.
They like to sit on their porches and eat watermelon and play the banjo.
No, they all stayed home because of that scary Black Man in Philadelphia. As Count Floyd would say "scary business".
As I always say, you can't trust White People with hurricane reconstruvtion money. They will just blow it on Starbucks and iPods…
Shorter Morris: "My prediction was correct, but reality didn't conform to my forecast because I need more money."
So an act of God caused Romney to lose? Hmmmmm.
What profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul? To me, that's Romney in a nutshell.
Mitt lost because he sold his soul to the wrong party.
I beg to differ. Dick Morris is, in fact, a meteorologist! He's always texting some intern to tell them "how many inches" and "how long is it going to last"
I see, light snow that will melt fast.
And comes up short on each.
Toe sucking vote. So disappointing!
Mi Mow. Mewwy Mismamointmingm.
mmm. mmmoes.
I won't believe a word of it until he converts a lesbian. That's my gold standard for integrity.
Glad the blood pressure ad was there, because to bring in more money for Wonkette, I clicked on that Newsmax link. Now off to start my new exercise regimen.
I only hope my new exercise regimen will help me stave off dementia, stroke, sleep apnea, and give me a giant boner.
Wasn't Dick Morris sent to the Breitbart Valhalla of pundits by a magic Nate Silver bullet?
He'll be back.
Sort of like herpes, keeps coming back no matter how much valtrex you try to smother it with.
Or like Cher, zombies, or the South.
Just remember, whatever Dick Morris says, whatever he does, it is wrong.
Stay Puft, Dick, Stay Puft.
"Better to be rich than right," said Dick Morris and Karl Rove, clinking glasses at the bar at their tropical Undisclosed Location.
Putting aside the fact that I don't actually want anyone with Dick Morris' political views to do anything effective, when was the last time Dick Morris did do anything effective? Since the toe sucking incident he seems to have been singularly pointless.
Talk about your Big Business.
Ole Newt runs a vanity Presidential campaign so he can sell books and DVDs.
Herman Cain raises money for his Presidential campaign so it can purchase copies of his own book.
Christine O'Donnell runs a senatorial campaign so she can eat.
Michele Bachmann collects money for her House seat campaign like a fiend so she can pay off her Presidential campaign debt. She just never told people that was what the money was going to be used for.
Joe the Plumber? Who isn't Joe and isn't a plumber, of course. What the heck did he use his campaign money for? Did he ever file a report?
Connect the dots, Sheeple! There's a pattern here!
There is only one way to stop this monstrous Newsmax monster from its monstering — go and click the Newsmax linkies on the right of your screen, so that their evil Kochdollars will be transformed into ecologically sustainable Wonkette Ameros! Hurry!
Ok Ok I did it. Where's my Amero?
Sorry, all Ameros are paid to the Editrix, and her minions.
minutiae?
You get Amero vouchers, because America!
I just did so again, and saw the following:
"Obama’s been re-elected, but you can still prosper in spite of his ‘plans’. Let us show you the investment cure! CLICK HERE to learn more about a proven strategy, free!"
FFS, every non-wingnut person who follows the market will tell you that it fares better under Democratic presidents than Reeps…
"Please leave a comment below – I would love to hear what you think! Thanks, Dick"
Yes, thanks, Dick, for believing your spin!
Signed,
Barack Obama
"How The Christian Right Spawned Feminism And Women’s Suffrage! Dick Morris TV: History Video!"
Maybe later–my sides still hurt from ROTFL'ing over the rest of Dick's deep thoughts…
I did that and some very strange feelings returned, such as being elbowed in a hockey game and wanting to return the favor.
Clicked every link and thanked Dog Firefox has a "close all tabs" addon.
Haha. It's like a perpetual motion machine of bullshit.
You'd think it'd grind to a halt upon reaching full capacity.
Is this similar to quantum Cheneydynamics?
a perpetual BM machine [BM for bullshit movement]
The flock is for fleecing, not for mutton, right, Dick?
… and this little piggy went to Newsmax.
just wondering: what happened to the timeline of recovery from major public embarrassment? it used to be, you had to lay low and be quiet for at least a few years. these days, it seems we are expected to forgive and forget in a manner of hours.
You're forgetting that the Talibangelicals are big on forgiveness and redemption narratives. They'll forgive you tout suite for all kinds of mortal sins, from communism to homosexuality, so long as you give a proper "mea culpa" and promise to never ever ever ever do it again until the next time you do it again.
And the positions you espouse match their worldview.
Nothing says Jimmy Swaggart like a good boning a prostitute scandal. Cry on TV and the rubes will still send you cash. The formula was set and voila we have the modern republican party rotating cast of deviants and know nothings.
I love how Ted Haggard was snorking crystal meth off a hooker's dick, and while he's not back to where he used to be, he's still allowed a comeback.
Yeah, well Ted Haggard never raised the marginal tax rate on the top earners by 3%. Some things are just unforgivable.
Hell, those Australian radio DJs are taking a little lay-low break after the whole "pretend to be the Queen / oops somebody got a little upset" thing.
That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.
or "Come, Watson! The game is a foot!"
Damn. Takes me back. Was that a Newell post?
Layne, actually.
Is that the first usage of that? I've wondered about the history of it…
As far as I can tell, that's the original.
Like something involving ponies?
Is this any better?
Yes.
Almost painfully so.
Needz moar ponies.
What a callus thing to say.
I'm just going to jam this comment in here, because I'm a fun guy.
You're fast actin'!
I can never remember the exact wording by heart, which is why I never use it. And, that has to do with the fact that I actually took a hiatus from Wonkette during 2008. I'd started in late 2007, and the primaries just got incredibly vitriolic, and it stopped being fun for some months.
No doubt said whilst pursuing an arch-enemy.
"Ellafitzgerald, my dear Watson."
There sure are a lot of exclamation points on that article. Does that make things true? Let me try: The Second Amendment is limited and doesn't apply to individuals!
Needs moar exclamation points. You think one is going to get the job done? !!!!!
Happily, Morris makes a profit of three and a quarter cents an egg by selling them for four and a quarter cents an egg to the people in Malta he buys them from for seven cents an egg. Of course, Dick Morris doesn't make the profit. The syndicate makes the profit. And everybody has a share.
Well, since it's dairy, Dick actually takes his share out in toe cheese.
What's good for Dick Morris is good for … uh …
I'm not sure about that scheme — there's gotta be a catch.
…and chocolate covered cotton when it all goes sideways. As it always does.
So long as Adelson and the Koch bros end up with less money, it's all for the better.
"Do you know what this country needs today?…A seven-cent nickel. Yessiree, we've been using the five-cent nickel in this country since 1492. Now that's pretty near a hundred years' daylight saving. Now, why not give the seven-cent nickel a chance? If that works out, next year we could have an eight-cent nickel. Think what that would mean. You could go to a newsstand, buy a three-cent newspaper and get the same nickel back again. One nickel carefully used would last a family a lifetime!"
Man's been gone thirty five years and he's more relevant than ever.
And you only find relevance in the circus and zoo.
I wonder if Dick Morris can get someone to listen to him at a McDonalds drive-thru.
If Al Capone had guys like Dick Morris and Karl Rove around to do his money laundering, he'd never have gone to jail.
I wonder what it's like to be born without one single solitary iota of either shame, scorn, or humility.
It makes sense. Newsmax has the same quality in its reporting as Dick Morris does in his electoral predictions.
Rich right-wing nuts scamming even richer right-wing nuts? Let the money flow … it's the closest these assholes will ever come to stimulating the economy and creating jobs.
It is obvious that The Whites in Idaho and Utah stayed home because of the Impact of Sandy. Just like Dick said.
Geography, bitches!
Hey, Dick Morris spends a lot on those emails! Electrons don't come cheap, you know.
Every time you click on that Newsmax ad a unicorn drops a Dick Morris shaped turd.
Yall know there’s a big ad for Newsmax just on the right side of this page, right?
Why by God, so there is. Thanks.
I’m starting to wonder if some people’s involvement in politics is for cynical self-interest.
Hey, 'Obama Sux' stopped visiting my profile. Elections do have consequences!!
Just checked, looks like he stopped visiting me too. Glad because it always gave me the creepy crawlies
He'll be out of juvie in eight weeks.
The stuff on the feet there… is that dirt or scabs?? Or both?
who cares? Morris is another resident of loserville.
ignore him and he will go away
Let’s follow Morris’ logic to its conclusion. God was responsible for Sandy. Therefore God wanted Obama to win.
No see, there's always a loophole – God wanted Romney to win, but He gave voters free will, and the voters denied God. It's also a warning – get right with God, vote Republican, or suffer the tortures of the damned, sir. Tortures of the damned.
Personally, I don't have a problem with the right wing raising obscene amounts of money in order to lose elections.
I want that on a T shirt. May I?
Tattoo or GTFO.
I would not hesitate to choose the latter.
No? You can put it in a hidden place, if you want….
The problem is that, evetually, the win, and as we saw in 2010, when money lines up with a movement they can win huge.
I get you were being facetious, but I'm still worried about their money-making prowess, though, I take a small comfort in the fact that they seem to be pretty shitty and inept in how they actually end up spending that money.
2010 was the opposite of fun for sure. But in 2012 they spent more money than ever before. Not quite sure what you mean by money aligning with the movement, but the message they portrayed (i.e. exclusion) couldn't be sold with all the marketing in the world. They flat out sucked this time, and I don't think they can recover from it in time for the midterms (seem to be getting worse in just the short month since the election).
I honestly think they are doomed as a party, because their platform stinks, and money won't deodorize it. I will concede that they are a wounded and dangerous animal, and liable to cause damage, but I think the current incarnation of the GOP is in its death throes.
Believe it or not, I actually look forward to the return of sane conservatism, without all the hateful social ideology they have now. I think it will happen, but only by way of a phoenix from the ashes type of thing.
After sleeping on it, I came to realize that their message sucked just as bad in 2010, so maybe you're right, but I hope not. I'm hoping that 2010 was just the voters "experimenting", and that they'll always remember that awful taste in their mouths. Then again, some people actually like the taste of… let's say Cilantro…,
Dammit, now that I've tried to be more open minded to other's opinions, I've gone and confuzled myself all over again. Damn you, Negropolis!
I'm such a buzzkill, sometimes, but I try not to let it happen too often.
Injun woman
keep your wigwam offa me,
Injun woman
keep your wigwam offa me,
Cuz when I see you comin'
Eric Cantor gives me that old VD
– Traditional honky blues song
I clicked but I'm afraid my click felt insincere. Now what?
I don't think you're supposed to use a piranha in a fish pedicure.
This Little Piggy went to market.
This Little Piggy stayed home.
This Little Piggy had roast beef.
This Little Piggy had none.
So he hired This Little Piggy, a Lawyer;
They sued and they won!
But not in a click-fraudy way!
As if there's any other way!
~
I clicked on the link about taxes and hey, guess what, there's this poll you can take and YOU get to tell THEM what you think. And to vote, all you have to do is enter your email address!
…………………………………………
Gee, I wonder what they want with my email address?
Dick Morris.
Without votes.
I would like very much to know how you managed to acquire this photo of my feet… Thank God they were at least clean, we eat with them here in Georgia, you know.
God, who's next, Stuart Varney?
Always get him confused with Stuart Smalley.
I always get him confused with my morning dump.
"Dick Morris is wrong." In other news, it will either rain or go dark before morning.
Wrong, and rich.
I try to be right (as in correct), and I'm poor.
This is not my beautiful house.
Morris strikes me as the kind of guy who likes to kick back wearing heels, fishnet panty hose and a little lip gloss – probably Mamie Eisenhower's fave color – "Rosy Futures."
Has-been Beltway whore says what?
A bit OT perhaps, but whenever I read about how much these conservative org heads and PAC runners and consultants get paid, the number always seems to end in "million." I've done work for a gazillion do-gooder nonprofits and I did a little volunteering for the Obama campaign and I have yet to meet anyone making anything close to seven figures. Seriously, how many folks on the Dem side get paid that much? (Or have I, perhaps, stumbled on yet another major structural problem with the conservative mindset?)
In the interest of gratuitous snark, I will again mention the disproportionate number of prominent "Dicks" in conservative circles.
Mitt listened to fools like Morris and was so deluded that he only had a "victory speech" prepped, his concession speech was entirely off the cuff.
For you, dear Editrix, I clicked on a couple of those linkys. But I did not enjoy it.
Not.One. Bit.
Speaking of foot jobs, what ever happened to Ann Marie Cox?
And why doesn't she ever come over to my place?
I imagine there's a great job waiting for Dick Morris now in Vegas.
If Sandy did do it, isn't that a sign and curse from God against one Willard Mitt Romney? Using his own logic, you'd think he'd take the hint.
The Almighty always answers prayer.
Sometimes, though, the answer isn't "yes," but "die you evil commie die die die die."
That pic reminds me – did I ever tell you about the 7 inch banana slug I found near Fort Bragg?
good god. i made the mistake of clicking on dick morris' site.
good god. dude writes like a 14 year old.
badly.
Editrix letting NewsMax provide us with hilariously snarkable material, right on the freaking Wonkette page? Brilliant!
Taking NewsMax's money in exchange for every one of our happy clicks? Priceless.
How's that work again? A click for Newsmax is a penny for Wonkette?
Let me at those clicky things!
Clearly, Jesus and his Father love soshalism.
Incredible as it seems, the NYT reported that "Mr. Romney won a single Manhattan precinct outright, a stretch of Park Avenue near the Waldorf-Astoria, where six voters showed up and four chose the Republican. . . . Mr. Romney won unanimously in six other precincts, but altogether, 10 people voted in those precincts."
Got that? Seven precincts, sixteen votes cast. In a fucking presidential election. Real enthusiasm, there, from the rich white conservative demographic — the ones whining most loudly about the results.
Meanwhile, in other neighborhoods…
And, I bet you a not-insigificant amount of those sixteen votes casted were ironic votes. lol
Dumped by FOX? Out of work? With a name like Dick Morris…rly, More-is? Perfect, Dickie baby.
"Said, Californy is the place you ought to be
So Dick loaded up the Humvee and moved to the Vall-ee.
San Fernando, that is. Set a spell. Take your shoes off. Foot jobs, movie stars. Y'all come now, hear?"
Dick Morris NewsMax article archive.
May 6, 2012: "Newt Gingrich is the only candidate that can defeat Obama."
May 13, 2012: "Mitt Romney is the best choice for GOP nomination."
Aug 8, 2012: "Condoleezza Rice as VP is Romney's Ace in the Hole."
Aug 15, 2012: "Paul Ryan is perfect choice for VP."
Oct 1, 2012: "Debates do not determine Presidential winner."
Oct 8. 2012: "Romney's performance in first debate paves way to Election night victory."
Oct 23, 2012 "Debate results mean very little."
This should be engraved in granite somewhere.
I made it up. However, I just went along with Morris' articles from 2007 and 2008
These are actual Morris articles.
Articles like:
Dec 05, 2007 Hillary, Rudy Will Prevail After Losing Early
Jul 30, 2008 More Women Choosing McCain Over Obama
Aug 24, 2008 McCain Should Pick Kay Bailey Hutchison as VP
Sep 02, 2008 Sarah Palin Is a Godsend for McCain
Sep 03, 2008 Stand Behind Sarah Palin
Sep 04, 2008 Sarah Palin — an American Margaret Thatcher
Sep 26, 2008 McCain's Brilliant Bailout Strategy
Sep 29, 2008 McCain Should Not Support Bailout
Oct 15, 2008 ACORN Could Cause Obama's Fall
Oct 20, 2008 'Joe the Plumber' Presents Winning Strategy for McCain
Nov 11, 2008 The Election Is Not Over
Nov 13, 2008 Sarah Palin Boosted McCain's Campaign
Morris is an idiot's idiot.
Just Google: "Dick Morris News Max", for the whole hilarious list of Morris' articles.
May I coin a phrase? "The double Dick and Karl". Used to describe consultants fleecing their wealthy employers. See Morris, Armey, and Rove.
I thought Dick Morris was a porn flick staring Hannity who fucks a cat!
I clicked a Newsmax link for our beloved Editrix and learned that in 2013 stocks will fall 90% and we will 50% unemployment and 100% inflation. I am off to buy hobo beans.
Somebody wants your money for something, a book or a video or whatever, if you dig a few clicks deeper. They've been pimping that item for a year now, masquerading the ads as a "news" item.
Dick Morris is what a dumb person thinks a fat person sounds like.
Romney was for sure going to give the neocons their unnecessary war with Iran. Damn voters!
They would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for us meddling voters!
"Whites Stayed Home And Re-Elected Obama"
Dick's talents are bring wasted. He should write for a toilet paper company or a greeting card company that caters to the KKK.
Is that what feets look like after Dickie has had his way with them?
Do these guys have tenure or something? He can be wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong and still get paid for his opinion, which reads like the churlish ramblings of any sore loser. Wah, wah, wah — whites and oldz stayed home. Wah, wah, wah, Christie and Sandy. Wah, wah, wah, they didn't listen to me about Bain.
Puhleeze!
I'd love to see Dick Morris, David Vitter, Larry Craig and Mark Foley as a Barbershop Quartet — maybe The Pervtones?
I still can't believe fox did this to dick. A dickless fox news? fox needs dick, hannity, billo and fox & fiends need dick, especially doocy. At least fox still has it's dick stand in mancoulter.
Say what you will about Mr. Morris – his parents sure knew how to pick just the right name.
Is it my imagination, or are there an unusual number of Dicks in the GOP/Teagagger camp?
EDIT: That was a typo, but in this context, I'm gonna leave it alone.
Well duh, we have vote by mail in Washington State, so I did my part to re-elect Obama from my dining room table.
Two things:
1-You just miraculously cured my foot fetish with that picture….thanks!
2- I clicked the shit out of those Newsmax links,and then some…you're welcome.
My body has just the right amount of markings and holes for me…I'll pass ;)
"
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