Don't need no injuns tellin a white man what to do hic vomit stumble faceplantAmerica has called, and Eric Cantor has answered. He and his compatriots in the GOP Cavalry will block the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (stilllllll) until one little bit of total nonsense, which nobody would miss, is removed. So which of the LIEBERALS’ poison pills is holding up VAWA? Is it the stuff about making it easier for immigrants to testify against abusive citizen-husbands? Is it the part where lesbians are treated as if they are human beings, in human relationships? You would think so, but it is not! Nope, it’s just a small piece of legislative terror whereby Native Americans would be able to prosecute white men (WHITE MEN!!!) for domestic abuse on tribal lands. FUCK THAT NOISE!

We imagine this is sort of akin to the rabid howls emanating forth from renowned Constitutional scholars when America tries to sign treaties that would bring the rest of the world in line with already-enacted American law. Howl howl AROOOOO SOVEREIGNTY blurble flurble hack phlegm spit.

Your Editrix once spent a day driving around Citizen Potawatomi Nation lands with their president, Rocky Barrett, while she was researching her master’s thesis on economic development. (YOU HEARD ME.) Barrett’s a hell of an old guy, charming and hilarious, and he’s also leading a tribe that Harvard and the UN have studied as textbook cases of how to do economic development right, with forethought and stability and investing for a common future instead of sending everybody $200 to go drop at Wal-mart. (We did it as a radio piece, but it would have made a wonderful longread. Unfortunately, neither of Mother Jones’s editors ever saw fit to return our emails, so in conclusion fuck you.)

Right. Domestic violence. So as we were driving around in Barrett’s giant American pickup truck, he pointed out the newly built shelter. He got quiet. He said, softly, that Indian women are more likely than any other group to be killed by their husbands or boyfriends. He said that he and the tribe had only just gotten the legal authority to arrest white men in domestic violence cases against Citizen Potawatomi women.

“This is rescue housing right here. They’re full. All eight units are full all the time. Indian women are the most likely in the nation to be abused, raped, killed, more than any other.”

What the hell?

“White men beating Indian women! They’re the only white people we have jurisdiction over. We didn’t have that till three years ago. On other reservations, it’s Indian men. But here, it’s not!”

Maybe you had to be there, but we believed him. Because he’s RAD. (Also, Amnesty International says 86 percent of domestic violence cases involving Indian women are beatings at the hands of white men, so it’s possible the Citizen Potawatomi aren’t any more virtuous in that regard than their also-virtuous neighboring tribes.)

We don’t know why Barrett and the Citizen Potawatomi have jurisdiction over white men in these cases if other tribes don’t; maybe they have jurisdiction to arrest but can’t prosecute? Or maybe they have an “awesome nation” exemption? Or maybe it’s already the law and Eric Cantor and his buddies are fucking assholes? We’ll update if Rocky ever gives us a call back.

At any rate, it’s no mystery why the GOP would be trying to get this provision stricken from VAWA. White men in places like Oklahoma really, really hate Indians. Straight up, cheerfully, ask em if they’re racist they’ll say hell yes, nope, no mystery at all.


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  • YasserArraFeck

    Bury my knee in Eric Cantor's balls

    • sewollef

      CoTD right there.

      Oh, btw, reading the original Wounded Knee years ago, sent me into alternating paroxysms of anger and tears [yep, tears].

      Page after page and chapter after chapter of betrayal and treachery made me overwhelmingly sad that human beings could do such things.

    • Disassembly

      Not a bad way to wound it.

    • jqheywood

      With votes, of course. Hard, armored votes with spikes.

      • bikerlaureate

        Would that be lots of sharp little vote-spikes, or fewer massive honkin' vote-spikes?

    • EatFrankRich

      Normally I'm against knee jerk violence, but I just realize that Cantor voted for the VAWA reauthorization in May, when it still protected Native women. Proceed with the knee burying in the wounded balls.

  • An_Outhouse
    • Callyson

      Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

      • wonkettkinkster

        came back to post this :[

      • Nostrildamus

        No kidding. Jesus^2. Fucking^2. Christ^2.

    • StillGoinGreen

      The norm, not the exception (R-Redstate)

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Rape is a 10 point margin in America. Shit.

    • FeloniousMonk



    • bobbert

      Yet another reason why I wish I believed in Hell.

    • 102415

      My God he is worse than I had heard. What is wrong with SD?

  • edgydrifter

    Real America will never bow to Indian Sharia Law! RAWR!!!

  • widestanceromance

    Oh for fuck's sake, you can't even rape an Indian any more? Even if you ask?

  • BloviateMe

    Cantor wants to knock the shit out of Warren without fear of reprisal.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Cantor; that weasely little twerp? I bet our petite Pocahontas could clean his clock, in a fair fight.

      • mbatch

        Damn straight. My money's on the professor.

    • Oh… Elizabeth Warren. I was hoping for the Eric Cantor vs. Rick Warren in an ecumenical death match.

    • Negropolis

      I want to see that little, snot-nosed bastard try.

  • T3rbo

    Indian women simply make the worst decisions. Letting the UN declare sharia law will not only ruin the quality of my Subway footlong sammich, but it will also not protect these women from their horrible choices to date white men. What these women need is old fashioned Karate lessons, And sniper rifles.

    • Biff

      Yep, they need moar gunz.

      • StillGoinGreen

        That's the best answer to everything. More guns equals less crime. Especially if we continue to pass laws where, if you shoot someone after stalking them for three blocks in your car, then accosting them on the street, you can claim "Stand your Ground". Hell, I'm getting killy just thinking about it.

        • SigDeFlyinMonky

          Well, that one white guy with a gun did a little avenging for the honor of an Indian woman twords the end of "Legends of the Fall." Got off a pretty good shot, if I remember correctly.

        • T3rbo

          that and hot sauce. guns and hot sauce will fix most things

  • smellypossum

    What rationale can the GOP be using to block VAWA? Besides the fact they're assholes, that is.

    And I said this earlier today, but it's apropos here: how's that change in rhetoric working out for you republitards one month after the election?
    Hint: you still suck ass.

    • bibliotequetress

      Their rationale? They're pro-violence against women. Can't make God's chosen rape babies without violence against women.

  • So I'm guessing that Eric Cantor, good Republican that he is, is advocating a "free guns for women on Indian reservations" provision be added to the bill, right?

  • Callyson

    And the ad just below the white guy with a beer belly:

    1 Rule to Stop Heart Attacks: OBEY

    Clever juxtaposition–applause for whoever set that gem up…

  • SexySmurf

    So the government already gave Reservations the power to prosecute white dudes, but Cantor wants to take it back? Isn't there a name for people who do that?

    • gullywompr


    • Republicans?

    • bikerlaureate

      Compassionate small-government conservatives.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Sometimes its better to be a giver than a receiver.

  • OzoneTom

    Custer died for your sins.

    • YasserArraFeck

      George Armstrong Jeebus

    • PopeEdgardo

      I don't want Cantor to die for my sins, but I wouldn't mind seeing a couple dozen or so Indian women go after him with hockey sticks. I mean with votes, votes.

  • T3rbo

    They just have to amend old policy that gave out free bullets to every Indian within 10 ft of the US Cavalry

  • edgydrifter

    Well, women are only 50% as valuable as men, and non-whites are only 50% as valuable as whites, so you take those two 50%s and add them together and bingo! non-white women are 100% worthless! You can't argue–the math proves it. How is beating them even illegal to begin with?

  • memzilla

    The First Thanksgiving = the First Bad Decision.

  • nounverb911

    Cantor's mother wishes he became a doctor.

    • T3rbo

      so that he could travel back in time and give her an abortion?

    • PopeEdgardo

      Probably wishes she'd had a girl instead.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Better he should be on the Vaudeville stage like his uncle Eddie.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Librul say Caveman can no conkum on hed with club?


  • qwerty42

    it’s just a small piece of legislative terror whereby Native Americans would be able to prosecute white men (WHITE MEN!!!) for domestic abuse on tribal lands.

    Is this part of the Republican outreach program to teh wimminz or to teh brownz or that group they have sadly neglected: white guys who beat up women? That is a demographic prize and I don't wonder they are fighting for them.

    Is the GOP taking advice from The Onion now or what?

  • memzilla

    Plus, Native Americans have been dealing with illegal immigration for hundreds of years. They call them "White People."

  • Callyson



    • AlterNewt

      Thank you.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Cantor needs a crowbar of "votes" placed square on his shit filled dome.

  • StillGoinGreen

    First they wanted their buffalo herds back. Next, it was "clean" linens. Now, no rapey white men. If you ask me, these Injuns are getting MIGHTY uppity!

  • YouFail4eva

    I wish I had something special or snarky to add to this. But I really don't. Just fuck you Eric. Fuck you in every orifice in your body.


    Fuck it, I'm going with the ol' standby:

    Say, you know who else needs to be sent to the ninth Circle of Hell?

    • OzoneTom

      All of them Katie?

      • StillGoinGreen

        It just never seems to not work.

        • PopeEdgardo

          Talk about your old standbys.

  • fartknocker

    With Elizabeth Warren being 1/16th Native American (or is it 1/32?) I hope she and everyone else goes Geronimo on his ass. Cantor is just like Rick Perry: A wimpy ass goat fucker.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Hmph, the nerve of those uppity Injuns telling white folks what to do. It's almost like they used to own the place or something.

  • gullywompr

    You'd think assholery wouldn't surprise me anymore, and truthfully, it pretty much doesn't. It's not so much surprise as… I dunno… incredulity? Seriously, what the fuck went wrong in the personality development of these people? I saw Cantor's high school yearbook photo, and he looked like a weasly little fuck – was he bullied and this is payback? Gotta be something like that…

    • rickmaci

      Mostly they are weasly little fucks that got bullied or else bullies who never grew out of it.

    • PopeEdgardo

      My guess is he was the kind of weasly little fuck who sucked up to the bullies and then hid behind them so he could torment other kids.

    • DCBloom

      Maybe cause he grew up Jewish in the south? I dunno, it made me the bleeding heart race baiting librul I am today, but perhaps it had the opposite effect on him.

      • Butch_Wagstaff


        • gullywompr

          Hmm, it's interesting to ponder if Cantor's assholery is related to religious, regional or cultural identification. Perhaps his early developmental environment was a perfect storm of sorts, ala The Boys of Brazil? (see what I did there? It would be irresponsible not to speculate)

          I put it to you – are assholes born into assholery, or do they achieve assholery, or is assholery thrust upon them?

  • Baconzgood

    Hitting women is fucking lame

    (This comment is 100% snark free).

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      It is difficult to say anything in response to beatings and rape that doesn't include the phrase "fucking lame". Such is the position this news story forces us into.

    • Baconz!
      How's it hangin, friend?!

      • Baconzgood

        Well. Under the new Wonker format I can use my phone to comment at my new jerb if I can sneak away for a sec.

        • CindynEncinitas

          You have a jerb? What a snob…

  • SexySmurf

    To make matters worse, Cantor then threw his empty soda can on the side of the highway.

    • Biff

      Iron Eyes Cody weeps.

    • Baconzgood

      There is sooooooo much win in this.

      • mrpuma2u


  • AlterNewt

    "One thing you can say for White Brother. There sure are a lot of him."

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Firesign Theater’s version of American Indian history.
    It’s treaty time!

    • HarryButtle

      Speaking for the Great White Father in Washington and all the American People, let me say we respect you savages for your Native ability to instantly adapt and survive in whatever Godforsaken wilderness we move you to. Out there. Sign here!

  • EatFrankRich

    Snark off here for clarity's sake. There are 500+ federally recognized Native tribes in the US, and their lands have been designated through various legal mechanisms. The tribes whose reservations were created by treaty (as opposed to lawsuits) consider themselves sovereign. A non-Indian living on a treaty reservation is not subject to their law, since they are not members of that sovereign nation.

    Obama signed the Tribal Law and Order Act which gives sovereign nations more jurisdiction over their own law enforcement, particularly family court issues. This is a big loophole that everyone's been trying to close so the tribes can get on with the business of fixing their own affairs. It gets touchy because, predictably, Republicans don't believe that signing treaties with another nation means the nation is actually a nation. Not if they're a nation of browns, or something.

    • Biff

      Rapey white guys need to self-deport from the Rez, is what you're saying?

    • bikerlaureate

      There are no nations other than Amercia.
      Not real nations.

      Quit being such a stupid libtard.

    • schvitzatura

      Can't wait until DOE goes batshit when the First Nations start up their uranium enrichment gas centrifuges…

    • BerkeleyBear

      Note that this view of native sovereignty as only extending to members is complete horsepucky compared with how sovereignty is defined in every other setting. Hence, we exert authority over all sorts of foreign nationals committing crimes on our territory, up to and including states like Texas executing them.

      Yet another way white man thinks with forked brain.

  • el_donaldo

    So are we going to be handing out guns to Native American women now, you know, to even things out a bit?

    Terrible idea, I know, but I kinda like it.

  • Indiepalin

    Tonto, blow me pronto

  • larrykat

    They don't have jurisdiction over white men? Then why the fuck did I get a speeding ticket from the Menominee Tribal Police last year? I mean I had just dropped probably 500 bucks at their casino and then wham! A little bit of speeding and 140 more. Could we at least just apply this to white men breaking traffic laws?

  • Schmannnity

    Cantor is sure rebuilding a Big Tepee party

  • Tundra Grifter

    On something of a tangent, it is becoming increasing popular to refer to our military excursion into Afghanistan as "America's Longest War."

    Bull Shit. Or, in this case, perhaps Sitting Bull Shit.

    The white folks were at war with the red folks for hundreds of years. I read a post like this and I start to believe that war is still going on.

    But, to be a bit more specific. Let's say we consider our war with the Sioux Nations begining in 1862 – when the Federal government hung 38 Sioux chiefs to put down a "rebellion." And let's say our war with the Sioux ended at Wounded Knee (1890) – although, again, it really didn't.

    That's longer than Afghanistan and Viet Nam. Only the "police action" in Korea is longer. But then, we could say our Indian Wars began in the late 1600's…

    • CindynEncinitas

      My family took off from the Nolachucky River with the tribe in 1839. The Cherokee, Choctaw and Chickasaw, and I have blood of all 3 going, yeah, they didn't have it so good since then…

      • viennawoods13

        My 5th great grandfather was an adopted Seneca who used to accompany Shawnee on raiding parties into the Ohio Valley after the Revolution. He had this wacky idea that they were actually entitled to their own land.
        The Americans hated him, called him a race traitor, etc. We're very proud of him.

    • SubhumanVarmint

      Kick it back to 1492, since that is what started this whole thing in the first place.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        True. Or at least kick it back to the 1600s when settlers in Virginia decided they needed more land & tried to kick out the Powhatan tribes.

    • Guppy

      /cough Seminole Wars

      • Tundra Grifter

        Thank you!

  • Thank God for Republicans, as I can still beat my Indian Bride, and I assume I can still get and Indian lad to perform an unnatural act.

    We truly live in the home of the brave.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      You may need an H1B visa for that.

  • Scrob87

    I think your characterization of Oklahoman white males as being proudly racist against Native Americans is actually pretty inaccurate. Growing up in Oklahoma perhaps made me more aware of native issues than I would have been in nearly every other state.

    Furthermore, there is far less ghettoization of Native Americans in Oklahoma than there is in nearly any state with reservations, pueblos, or colonies. As I've grown and traveled the country more, I'm shocked at how casually racist people are against Native Americans, when in my home state, the tribes actually hold significant sway economically, politically, and culturally.

    This isn't to say that Oklahoma isn't an extremely backwards state in many regards politically and socially, but I think sensitivity to Native issues is a place where the state is actually quite progressive.

    • commiegirl99

      Weird, because about half of the white men I talked to said straight out they were proud to be called racist, they didn't care for Indians, they didn't think it was fair Indians got their own tag store, etc.

      The other half were friends of my mom's, and were pretty much communists.

      • Scrob87

        There are certainly PLENTY of racists in Oklahoma, but really Native culture is so prevalent in a lot of places and there are so many people of mixed ancestry if their family has been in Oklahoma for more than a few generations that it really doesn't register as something out of the ordinary.

        I did grow up in Norman though, so maybe that's part of it. It never hurts to be in a college town.

        • bikerlaureate

          If there's one thing I can't stand, it's praise of progressive tolerance from commenters with no face.

          • Scrob87

            I'm not sure exactly what you're implying. I've not expressed anything but respect for native cultures. I've earned degrees in anthropology, and my areas of focus are native american cultures of the desert southwest and paleoindian lithics and fracture mechanics. This actually matters to me.

          • bikerlaureate

            It was pure snark. (Not trying to diminish what you're saying, but just riffing off a completely irrelevant tangent. Far from challenging your creds, I was looking for someone to pick up a weak "Goldmember" reference.)
            I've actually been upvoting you, for your courage.

    • sati_demise

      the tribes in Oklahoma have some oil wealth and would have had a LOT MORE if the Koch brothers from Wichita did not install the meters on their oil wells.

      Koch was skimming millions of barrels of oil from the Oklahoma tribes- and that is how they got so rich.
      the end

      • Spider-Jerk

        The only truly shocking parts of the Koch brothers' story of screwing over native peoples in their quest for wealth and power is that it happened in recent history, rather than a century or more ago, and that it gets so little mention – there just seems to be the assumption that the Koch family made their money by being Awesome Job Creators Blessed by Capitalist Jeezus.

        Also holy crap, that is even more depressing (and badly written) in print than it was in my head.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Just when I thought I had enough reasons to hate those two fuckers…

    • Biff

      That license plate probably lets y'all sleep better at night, also.

  • rickmaci

    "…Eric Cantor and his buddies are fucking assholes?"

    Is that a textbook example of a rhetorical question, Mistress Master's Degree Editrix?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Where are Joe Leaphorn and Jim Chee when we need them?

    • samsuncle

      RIP Tony Hillerman. I sure enjoyed your books.

  • Ducksworthy

    Violence against women is a constitutional right covered under the Second Amendment.

  • rickmaci

    Classic bully conduct. Can't screw with blahs anymore because the President and all, and they can't beat too much on Messcans because the vote thing and nobody picks on Asians because that is just too obviously stupid and besides they were in the prison camps in Wyoming so who is left to fuck with but Native Americans. Again.

    • CindynEncinitas

      Women, children and animals, just like forever.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I'll start feeling better about this place when Native Americans can prosecute non-native-American men on non-tribal lands.

  • Troglodeity

    So, how's that "winning back the womens' vote" project coming along, GOP?

  • sati_demise

    Were they 'disabled' white men? What about them?

  • BZ1

    The GOP wants a free-for-all for Non-Natives to beat up on native women. Right, just checkin'.

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    I really hate these guys.

  • decentcitizen

    Being an Indian formerly from OK, I can validate that Okies hate them some Indians. But if you ask them, it's not because they're racists. It's because Indians are worthless drunks who are lazy and stupid. Well, I'm not lazy or stupid…

  • WhatTheHeck

    First Nations peoples are still on their Trail of Tears.

  • ttommyunger

    What was that quote from LBJ? "I'd rather be pissing on Eric Cantor inside the tent than having Erick Cantor pissing himself outside the tent. Oh well, you get the idea.

  • So if I have this story straight the GOP, one month after losing nationally as the Party of Rape (legitimate/forcible/rapey rape), decides to vote down the Violence Against Women Act so as not to offend the worst bigots of the reddest state, OK…so…Suicidal Ideation in an entire major political party, that's weird.

  • LibrarianX

    Everything new is old again.

  • oh and can we please clarify about the shirt / beer / dude? can we assume he assploded?

    (with votes)

  • Negropolis

    Wait, so I get around to reading Eric Cantor's wikipedia, and I find out she's a liberal who supports abortion and same-sex marriage. Mind = blown. Between this and the Britney Spears concert thing, I'm not sure what to belive, anymore.

  • christianmuslin

    We are subject to the laws of other nations when we are on their soil, but we are not subject to their laws when that soil is sovereign Native American soil? And, the reason is: we are white, we are right and we have you redneck mutherfuckers surrounded! The Republican plan to increase support among women and racial minorities is right on track. I see a Native American Indian woman from a reservation seated next to Michelle at the State of the Union. Keep fuckin that chicken Cantor!

  • owhatever

    So how long will it be before I hunt Indians like I do Mexicans without worrying about them anti-white men laws? Eric Cantor speaks, and does other things, with forked tongue..

    • MosesInvests

      All snark aside, in California 100 years ago, Indians were in fact hunted. Read "Ishi, Last of His Tribe" and weep.

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