we all shine on

Karma Burgles Car Robber-Arsonist-Congressman’s Darrell Issa’s House

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Also: a terroristHey, did you know that Congressman Darrell Issa invented your neighbor’s car alarm, the one that goes off for hours at a time, because your neighbor is a fucking asshole? Congressman Darrell Issa got the idea for a car alarm after a satisfying career as a car robber and arsonist. He made hundreds of millions of dollars. You know what they say: create a need, and then fill it! But now someone has burgled Darrell Issa’s ill-gotten mansion of over one hundred thousand dollars in precious jewels. That someone is Karma, and she probably looks really pretty right now!

The AP story on the late November burglary leaves out Issa’s arrests for car theft, even as it mentions that his fortune came from car alarms, because of course it does. DAMN YOU liberal media!

We will leave you, as always, with this (unsatisfying) video of Darrell Issa crying like a little girl who didn’t get a pony while announcing that he was getting out of the California governor’s race. It is unsatisfying because we watched it live when it happened, and it went on for like TWENTY MINUTES of him sobbing and gasping and struggling to talk, and this one is only like a minute-forty.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • OzoneTom

    Was "Karma Chameleon" one of the Lizard People?

    • glasspusher

      Oh, boy, George…

      • TaggWatchesYou

        Stop being such Simple Minds.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Do you really want to hurt me with your Culture Club?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Karma's a Bitch!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And walking around wearing a buttload tacky, expensive bling!

  • glasspusher

    Should have installed a Karma alarm

    • bikerlaureate

      You're stuttering again.

      • glasspusher

        Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Please step away from the Congress.

    • Esteev

      And put the subpoena power on the ground.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Believe it or not, that's his voice on those.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I heard you the first time.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Somebody agrees with you.

          • PopeEdgardo

            Must have been a good one.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Damn, I was hoping I blocked the delete button on both.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Not really….

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212


  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    ♫ "Instant Karma went-and got-you…" ♫

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Not instant at all, it's been a long time coming. But that's OK, karma is best served cold.

      Shawarma is pretty good cold, as well. Also, chicken tikka masala is not bad cold, too.

      [/irummages around in fridge for leftovers]

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        But Lascaux..


        It's in the byline! I was just singing along…

    • Biff

      ♫When you least expect it, you're selected…♫

  • Oblios_Cap

    It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

    "Issa" is the sound the Lizard People make when they meet one another.

  • Callyson

    OK, who would win the cry-off between him and Orangeman? I'm thinking that would be the ultimate stalemate…

  • sewollef

    This is a story from The Onion isn't it?

    Fool me once, shame on me…. fool me twice, I'm George Bush. Or summink.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    His last name seems like it should always be said as if Jar Jar Binks were vocalizing it.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Issa is a assa.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, is this a case of his dogma getting run over by his karma?

    • Veritas78

      Given his Lebanese heritage, I'd guess his shawarma ran over his karma.

      And THEN set it on fire.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Oddly, enough, the alarm system he helped to develop was called "The Viper."

    • Beowoof

      His voice on the alarm and his main personality trait for the name.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      Wut, it vipes your vindows also?

  • Not_So_Much

    Is Karma his mistress/stripper's stage name?

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      As I assume she is only in it for the money, the correct term is "whore."

    • StillGoinGreen

      Goddammit. I've been really good about staying out of the local gent's lately – but you gotta go and bring it up on a Friday! Oh well, someone's gotta put those little girls through Beauty school. SNARK YA LATER!!

      • Biff

        Ah, the Pole Ballet…

    • Guppy

      Yeah, but his friends call him "Roy."

  • DaSandman

    It seems to me fitting that a sociopathic criminal like Issa is an important member of the Republican Congress.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Hey, did you know that Congressman Darrell Issa invented your neighbor’s car alarm…?

    I'll bet he stole the design for that from some schmuck and then torched the guys car for laughs.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Um, close. The company was failing and Issa lent the guy $60,000. When he missed a single payment, Issa took over and then hired the previous owner as a designer.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      Probly torched the guy, also, too.

  • IncenseDebate

    Quit your crying or I'll give you something to cry about!

  • Shypixel

    I know in my heart that my Wonkette needs to advertise to stay alive.

    But scrolling past those horrible Taboola ads makes me feel yucky. Crying-Game-two-hour-shower-with-a-brillo-pad yucky.

    Do we really need ads inside the content flow? Wrapping the entire content, even taking over the background I can live with, but right there, inside the precious content I want to read?

    What's next? Giant scrolling and expanding ads that have a tiny, hard to find Close button that actually opens a pop-up?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Less aggravating than the giant NewsMax poster on the right. Unless our Editrix wants us to click and click and click on it, so as to transfer some of their filthy lucre to Wonkette's barren coffers.

      Besides, where else can you get laughably pre-loaded "survey" questions like this:
      Do you think our current tax system is the best system?
      ᴏ Yes
      ᴏ No, we should switch to a more simple and fair system

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Hey, I'm still waiting for the Russian mail-order brides ad that Chet saw yesterday to pop up.

        You probably have to be one of the Trix's favorites to get that, tho…

      • Guppy

        "Eat the rich" is a patently simple and fair system.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          Which has the added advantages of providing much-needed nutrients to the hungry while recycling completely useless wastes of oxygen and also not cluttering up the landscape with litter, also, too.

      • fartknocker

        I do miss Kourtney and her love of cucumbers. Big, hard cucumbers….

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          Hey, I thought that was MY line.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "What's next? Giant scrolling and expanding ads that have a tiny, hard to find Close button that actually opens a pop-up?"

      I think there are going to be 3-d holograms that actually come right out of the screen and follow you around the home or office, seeking your attention while you wash your car, make dinner, or take a shit.

      • sewollef

        That would make me so, so stabby. Well, that and those fucking annoying auto playing video ads.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          And I'll bet if you try to kill them they alert the authorities and pass on the recording whereupon you get fined and reassigned to a "voluntary" labour camp till you repay your "debt" to "society."

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Will they fellate me? Cuz then it might not be so bad.

        • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

          If you're a holosexual.

          • HistoriCat

            Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    • proudgrampa

      What ads?



      I don' got to look at no steenkin' ads!!!

      • Guppy

        inb4 banhammer

        • Shypixel

          It would take an amazingly petty admin to ban a semi-regular participant for over four years over a minor gripe about the site's layout and content.

          Our Editrix is many things, but my bet is that she isn't petty. At least not about trivial things…

  • HRH_Maddie

    Fucker got his comeuppance.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      Aw, no, Maddie, that would take MANY MORE such robberies and putting the boot in while he was down also too.

      I appear to have been infected by Sarah Palin, conceptually.

      • HRH_Maddie

        Fair enough. Edit: Fucker got *some* of his comeuppance.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          Thank you. My Wonketz. Always makes me feel better. (hugs you, envisions Issa getting his FULL comeuppance, hugs you some more)

          • HRH_Maddie

            Awww. Is there a Mrs. BonerHitler?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            Unfortunately, Maddie, my darling, there is not only a Mrs. BonerHitler but a Mr. BonerHitler as well. And they BOTH complain bitterly that I'm spending WAY too much time at teh Wonketz.

            On the other hand, they like each other and we all get along, so what's to complain?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Late November?! Why weren't we told about this the moment it happened? What's Darrell Issa hiding? Where's the police report? Who handled it? Who approved this coverup? We demand fuckin' answers and we demand fuckin' answers now!

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Clearly the CIA was using Issa's mansion as a safe house from which to cell crack laced with AIDS to African Americans.

  • HRH_Maddie

    Now if only we could burgal him WITH VOTES.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "and it went on for like TWENTY MINUTES of him sobbing and gasping and struggling to talk,"

    So, the TV remote was on the fritz that day, huh?

    • Oblios_Cap

      I wouldn't even watch Willard blubbering for that long.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        No shit, it took me a second to realize who "Willard" was. I guess that's a good sign.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          Amazing, innit, how fast that worthless fucker disappeared from the public memory and the public gaze.

          If only John McCain and Sarah Palin would follow suit.

    • Biff

      I watched it all, too. It was delicious, especially since he nearly single-handedly bankrolled the recall of Gray Davis, hoping to get the party's nod. Fucker.

  • drewehartnyc

    Who is that cute guy on the upper-right hand corner of my screen – he is hot! (Commie Mom did say he was of age, right?) Almost makes me want to leave Wonkette on my screen all day long…

  • mavenmaven

    In retribution for his woman's health panel pushing the "Jews selling pork" argument, Issa was robbed by the ham-burglar.

  • elviouslyqueer

    more than 50 items, including watches, rings, earrings and bracelets, were taken from the Vista home on Nov. 29.

    Darn. So I guess we won't be seeing Issa's drag persona, "Fye Ree Crotch," anytime soon.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      HA! Jock itch. Is there anything a drag queen can't make funny?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      Fie, elviously!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "over one hundred thousand dollars in precious jewels."

    Just what does a real man need with $100K worth of jewels? Oh well, a lot of guys buy pickup trucks with lift kits and oversized tires to compensate, so whatever floats your boat.

    • Esteev

      One word: Pirate.

    • Oblios_Cap

      He's dating Lindsey Graham.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Whore diamonds, dude.

  • Lot_49

    Never forget either that Issa lied about his undistinguished military service, pretending his work as a clerk-typist in the Nixon White House made him Rose Mary Woods assistant.

    Hey, wait a minute….

    Can't link to the 2003 LA Times article anymore, but here're a few gobbets:

    During his campaign in 2000 for a seat in Congress, Issa said he had received the “highest possible” ratings in the U.S. Army. Military records show that he received a “fair” conduct rating while undergoing basic combat training at Ft. Knox, Ky., in November 1970. In June 1971, while serving with the 145th Ordnance Detachment in Manor, Pa., he received “unsatisfactory” conduct and efficiency ratings. Later ratings were more positive….

    The Secret Service, of which Issa was not a part, provides the president’s security. Issa’s explanation for his claim is that he was part of a military bomb disposal squad that provided support to the White House. He was assigned to Nixon’s security on temporary duty, he says. The assignment isn’t listed in Issa’s military records, but temporary duty postings aren’t always reflected in personnel files, experts said. “I was on temporary duty at Ft. McNair back in the ‘70s,” Issa said, referring to a military installation in Washington, D.C. “That was a presidential support unit. It did various things, including it X-rayed things for the president and did travel with the president. I was a private. I got a clothing allowance to buy civilian clothes and, you know, I got temporary duty pay, and it was cool. I never said, ‘look, I was Richard Nixon’s buddy.’ “

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Wow. Munchausen much?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Guy alarms half the cars in the country, but forgets his house? Genius.

    • SnarkOff

      Maybe he figured he'd be OK with just The Club on the steering wheel?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, ADT.

  • bikerlaureate

    I can't do a happy dance over this, mainly because I worry about his reaction. When he gets on a tear, any consideration for legal precedent or pragmatism goes right out the window.

  • cousinitt

    As Caribou Barbie herself would say, Issa is a Wussa.

  • Esteev

    Well at least he won't be holding any investigations that reveal classified information… oops!

  • Slim_Pickins

    Who's his interior decorator? James O'Keefe?

  • YouFail4eva

    Ah schadenfreude.

  • edgydrifter

    And where was Issa during this so-called burglary?

    • Biff

      This. I smell insurance fraud.

  • Lot_49

    More Issa prevarication:

    Issa had previously claimed attendance at the 1971 World Series as part of Nixon’s security. Records show that Nixon did not attend the 1971 World Series, said Susan Naulty, archivist at the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda. In recent comments to The Times, Issa has stood by his claim of having served on Nixon’s security detail

    The Secret Service, of which Issa was not a part, provides the president’s security. Issa’s explanation for his claim is that he was part of a military bomb disposal squad that provided support to the White House. He was assigned to Nixon’s security on temporary duty, he says. The assignment isn’t listed in Issa’s military records, but temporary duty postings aren’t always reflected in personnel files, experts said. “I was on temporary duty at Ft. McNair back in the ‘70s,” Issa said, referring to a military installation in Washington, D.C. “That was a presidential support unit. It did various things, including it X-rayed things for the president and did travel with the president. I was a private. I got a clothing allowance to buy civilian clothes and, you know, I got temporary duty pay, and it was cool. I never said, ‘look, I was Richard Nixon’s buddy.’

    • elgin_pelican

      Wait, Nixon wasn't there? Then I guess Issa felt pretty silly skulking about the clubhouse with a speaker in his ear.

  • http://wonkette.com Tangled sin tax

    Ah, the lamentations of their girly-men!

  • Toomush_Infer

    These crying Rethugs….I cried when my dog died, when bad things have happened to children and friends….all I ever see these crowns crying about is their own hubris of thwarted desire…it's just plain icky…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      It sure is. My father was a sweet and gentle man, and the only time I ever saw him cry in his 96 years on this planet was when my sister died. The house on fire, gangsters, robberies, riots, falling through the roof, food shortages, loss of money, disease, war — everything else he lived through he took in his stride without a cross word or a cruel deed. No matter what we went through he never shed a tear. To see these pussies weeping over bullshit infuriates me when I think of what Dad suffered through the Great Depression, WW II, imprisonment, riots, and all the travails associated with raising five children, one of them congenitally and terminally ill, in the chaotic years of his life.

  • Schmannnity

    Burglars were probably packing guns from Fast and Furious.


    • Lot_49

      Funny that Issa was going to go after Obama like a scourge from God, and the only corruption he's been able to find so far is an idiot program cooked up by idiot gun fetishists at the government's most useless agency*, DEA.
      *SBA shovels money at people, occasionally the right ones.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Say what?

    • Biff

      No no no, that's earrings…

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I assume that Issa has all that expensive jewelry so that he can wear a ton of gold chains when he meets with his homes in South Central to keep the lead end of his business going.

  • An_Outhouse

    I don't think I'm capable of creating the thing I feel the need to fill.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Try Ex-Lax

    • Shypixel

      I had what I thought was an insanely funny and insightful response to this, but it seems that that one word that means to have relations within your own family is not allowed here…

      How can you have a frank discussion about politics without being able to say things like "in" followed by things like "cest"?

      • Guppy

        You mean the one that best describes the SEC's relationship with banks, or Congress' relationship with corporate America in general?

        • Shypixel

          You have it exact, sir.

    • Biff

      You mean vagina, right?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    If only there was some device that emitted a loud piercing noise when property was being threatened in some way that would alarm and discourage the would-be robbers…

  • StillGoinGreen

    That's easy – Boner. Because Vitamin C.

  • LACorvus

    I'm sure they had an alarm that went off, and that all of their neighbors tried their best to ignore it.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      I wouldn't be surprised if the neighbours helped the burglars turn off the alarm and called the cops and told them it was Alarm Testing Day over at the LockedIn Mansions, or wherever that scumbag slithers.

  • SnarkOff

    Guess he forgot to put the "NO RADIO" sign in the window.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Issa was home during the burglary but the terr'ist/burglars chose not to take him as they only wanted the good stuff–Walmart jewelry and such. "We don't want to take any shit!" one of the burglars was heard to reply when Issa pleaded to be taken so he'd have more of a story to pad his biography.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Inside job for insurance money and publicity..

    • Exhausted66


    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      It's not like he hasn't done it before.

      • Biff

        It's who he is, it's what he does…

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

          I'm still trying to figure out how the worthless PoS ever got elected, given that everybody and their brother-in-law know what a scammer and a weasel he is.

          • Biff

            North County San Diego, Orange County's evil twin.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            He hath me so flamboozled, my subjects haz no agreements left wiv my verbzes.

        • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

          When I think of the term 'shyster' Issa pops right into my head.

  • Terry

    It would be nice if the Heritage Foundation offered Issa a job, too.

    • Beowoof

      The could have Issa and Liddy handle security DeMint.

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    Issa, Shrubby, Oliver North, G. Gordon Liddy…why, one would think that Republicans actually PREFER petty criminals and film-flam men as their heros and exemplars!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

      Hard to believe, huh?

  • e_z

    This looks like a job for Earl J. Hickey.

  • Esteev

    I feel burgled.

  • Lucidamente1

    You try blowing the cover of CIA operatives in Libya while grandstanding in a congressional "investigation" and see what happens.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      don't mess with professionals

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I'm thinking David Niven in a black full body-stocking, but all he ends up with are some cheap mall jewelry and a dozen Thomas Kinkade paintings.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Or lots of images of expensive cars and pictures of stuff burning to the ground.

  • smellypossum

    Issa used to have controlling interest in DEI (Directed Electronics). During Issa's tenure DEI would buy up struggling aftermarket automotive companies with good names, such as Precision Power, and turn their products completely to shit by sending manufacturing offshore and generally dropping the component quality that would go into their products.

    So FUCK YOU Darrell.

    ( I admit that I am a marginally-reformed car audio dork and I watched this shit happen to DEI's acquisitions. And yes, Wilco rocks my 4Runner with 1500 watts behind Nels Cline's guitar work.)

  • Botlrokit

    You're right. That was clearly not enough crying out of Issa. I want more.

  • http://archikvetch.blogspot.com/ archikvetch

    Jewelry in Vista is only sold by the foot.

  • Aridzona

    INSURANCE SCAM ALERT — I tried to fence what I boosted from Issa's manse, but was told it was mostly paste and costume, two grand tops.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    I think I saw Darrell Issa being pistol-whipped by Mannix in 1973. Every other week.

  • DahBoner

    If I ever have a car alarm, it's just gonna be a big speaker on the back of my car, and whenever anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go, 'Attention: free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!'….

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

    Why are these fucking Republicans such pathetic pussies, to the last fucking man Jack of them? I have seen people go through death and destruction with much less in the way of tears. Is this fellow a man? Crying over LOSING a fucking two-bit election? A popularity contest? To a puffed up slabloaf like Arnie? Sweet Lordy Jesus, give me twenty minutes alone with the guy and I'll see if I can get him to grow SOMEthing, tits, ovaries, balls, a spine. What a pathetic WHINER.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

    That's a cruel thing to say, especially since you're not even posting your own pic for a comparison.

    Gwan, you know you want to. We'd enjoy it. Gwan, gwan, gwan.

    • fatbob54

      Since when was "cruel" a bad thing around here? I thought it was the point of the whole exercise.

      And, since you dared me, I posted my prom picture as my avatar. I hope you're happy…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

        Since it became a MommyBlog. That's Mommy's kid you're picking on, and for reasons I won't go into, it's personally offensive to me that you're picking on that young man.

        And no, I'm not happy. I can't see your prom picture too clearly, but you look like my old friend Bob in that shot, and boy do I have a bone to pick with you.

        • fatbob54

          The comment is deleted. My apologies to any and all that I offended. If you'd like to carry this conversation on to a private venue, let me know, otherwise, I'll just shut up.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com Weedlord BonerHitler

            Thank you kindly, fatbob. I'm not one to pick fights unreasonably, and perhaps someday as we continue chatting in this venue I might tell you why picking on that particular young man and others like him is so personally objectionable to me. You can find me, if you want to, at myblogname at gmail dot com. Myblogname can be determined by looking me up in the commenting system or clicking on my av.

            I have no problem at all with you. I made my objection, you were very gracious in deleting the post I found offensive, and if I was rude to you I apologize. Welcome to the mosh-pit! Long may you enjoy this little outpost of sanity and comment freely!

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    What goes around, comes around …

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i bet 100K buys a lot of anodized galt aluminum bracelets.

  • ttommyunger

    Issa is reportedly the wealthiest Member of Congress. Also the biggest asshole.

  • lulzmonger

    I don't care how shopworn or trite it is … there are times when it needs to be said:


    Now I want to find out that he set it up himself for fast-&-dirty insurance loot, & actually still has the bling. Wishwishwish-hopehopehope …