in my arms she was always lolita

Court To Cook County Attorney: No More Creeping On Teenagers, Please

It just isn’t a good time to be a public figure in the Chicago area if you’re into the teen girl thing. First everyone threw up in their mouths a little when Mel Reynolds announced he would run for Illinois’ 2nd Congressional District. Now, teen-romance man/Cook County* Attorney Tim Scannell has himself a Harassment Restraining Order for using too many cliches in his tortured love poems to minors.

Scannell, who was shot last year by a criminal he prosecuted for sexual conduct, courted the 17 year girl in Minnesota, where the legal age of consent is 16. On top of this, he contends their activities were limited to “kissing and touching, but nothing illegal.” Creepy though they may be, Scannell’s physical transgressions alone aren’t illegal – he doesn’t cross the legal line until he gets all weird with Victorian style courtship.

To advance the relationship with the 17-year-old, Scannell did what any Sumerian would have done 100,000 years ago and visited her mother at work, bearing sturdy mules as gifts and promises of fertile plots of land.

The petition states that the mother said that while Scannell was at her workplace he texted the girl and read the mother some of the love poetry he sent the girl. He also described a necklace he gave the girl. He said they talked about having children together some day, but they decided he would be too old. He said that they planned for her to go to college in the Twin Cities area so that he could visit her, and later they would move to Australia together.

Yr. Wonkette sincerely wishes these poems were available for inspection, in case Tim Scannell is our era’s Lord Byron. What is perhaps most tragic about the issuance of the Harassment Restraining Order is the girl’s confession that she is unable to live without Scannell.

The parents asked their daughter if she was in love with Scannell. She replied, “I don’t think so.” When they asked her about moving to Australia, she said, “I guess I thought that was a joke.”

Scannell was nice enough to continue calling the girl after her parents sent her to study abroad in Barcelona. He even sent her gifts, despite her parents informing him he didn’t need to do so. Now, with a Harassment Restraining Order separating him from his love, he’ll have to bury himself in his work prosecuting Cook County residents for things like, say, criminal sexual conduct, to numb the pain.

*This Cook County is the one in Minnesota, which we should have noticed since it was a Minnesota girl and the Duluth News Tribune. Hey, what can you do?

[DuluthNewsTribune, via Wonket operative "Sandra P."]

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109 comments

    1. Redhead

      What does Joe Walsh do when he realizes the reason the DA is late to the bust is because he's the one bringing Mike's Hard Lemonade and condoms?

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Apparently the problem was he didn't keep to himself.

      Your post reminds me of George Carlin's classic line about serial killers. "A loner. They always say 'He was a loner.' Of course he was. He killed everybody he knew."

  1. miss_grundy

    Just out of curiosity, is he a Mormon? Because he sounds like one of those creeps who belong to the Jeffers cult in Colorado.

    1. smellypossum

      You mean Warren Jeffs and his brand of Merry (child-raping) Pranksters?

      They were in Utah and Texas (we have enough nuts here in CO without lumping the Jeffs in here too…)

      Edit: And wasn't a 17 year old girl the reason Joseph Smith introduced polygamy to the Mormons as a directive from Moroni? Or maybe she was 15…

    2. mrpuma2u

      They also have an outpost just over the border in British Colombia. Scary mofos. If you wanna know more read "Under the banner of Heaven" a truly terrifying expose by same author (name out of easy database access brain parts) "Into thin air"

    1. proudgrampa

      "But seriously, how does this guy keep his job? "

      WTF?

      I got fired for swearing in a business meeting, once. Yet, dicks like this keep their jobs. Who can explain it??

    1. BlueMonkeh

      I know! The receding hairline, pasty face…and the wedding ring in the pic – what 17 year old girl that has the means to be off to Barcelona WOULDN'T want somma that?

  2. Oblios_Cap

    He pleads insanity – he was crazy about that little girl!

    The parents asked their daughter if she was in love with Scannell. She replied, “I don’t think so.”

    If you don't think so, then you're not.

      1. Shypixel

        I've been trying. My boy is 19 now, and I'm still trying. Don't think it is sinking in. Must be all that damn hippy hair.

    1. Shypixel

      I feel really really bad for Ellen Page. The poor girl will never have a boyfriend that isn't at least part pedophile, seeing as how she perpetually looks like she is 12.

    2. CthuNHu

      Election covered this pretty darn accurately, I think, especially the "weird psychological blowback to the alleged adult" part.

      1. Shypixel

        I HATED Resse Witherspoon after seeing that movie, and movies rarely elicit strong emotions from me.

  3. Hammiepants

    Mmm, pasty white blobby middle-aged lawyers always got ny 17 year old motor running. My mom wondered why I had all those hot Perry Mason posters up all over my room…

  4. edgydrifter

    Love alters not with parent's shock and orders of restraint
    But (pedo)bears it out even unto the edge of doom
    If this be creepy and upon me proved
    I never sexted, nor no man ever lech'd

    1. drbill0620

      Slam book? Ya got me there. None of my gurl friends in Jr High (or even now) have such a thing..

  5. Lascauxcaveman

    What I like about this story is the girl is clearly the one who is most embarrassed about this whole thing.

    That and the fact that she'll go on to college, make friends, have experiences, etc. And in five years she won't remember old pedobear's name.

    1. CthuNHu

      That, and the fact that she is incredibly glad she hasn't had her 18th birthday yet, or her name would be plastered all over the news and the internets for all eternity.

  6. Goonemeritus

    I refuse to date anyone that has been on this earth for less time than several pairs of socks that I own.

    1. VodkaGoGo

      My cut off is you must be old enough to remember the last time the Tigers won the World Series. Almost had to change that this year but it ended up not even being close.

  7. SexySmurf

    He said that they planned for her to go to college in the Twin Cities area so that he could visit her, and later they would move to Australia together.

    No mention of him wanting to masturbate in his office? Romance really is dead.

  8. MistaEko

    Oh! To live with mine bonnie lass down under!
    Where our days shall be filled with joy and wonder!
    But we won't last til prom ; I divulged all to your mom,
    And soon the state shall rend us asunder.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    When they asked her about moving to Australia, she said, “I guess I thought that was a joke.” She said they had done nothing illegal over the summer, leading the parents to believe that Scannell had coached her to reply that way, according to the petition.

    Coached? Suzanne Venker would say the girl gave in to her femininity.

  10. TaggWatchesYou

    He said that they planned for her to go to college in the Twin Cities area so that he could visit her, and later they would move to Australia together.

    After arriving in Australia, the two would plot the formation of a criminal gang in the outback, a pastiche of Bonnie and Clyde with Ned Kelly's gang. Fleeing the law, the two would retreat to India, hoping to blend in with the homeless and impoverished of its cities to escape the relentless gaze of the law. Assuming they would be found out by Interpol, the two would chart a course to the Ivory Coast where they would establish a base of operations as soldiers of fortune, destabilizing local governments for a profit while being sheltered and protected from extradition by the dictators they helped to place in power like kingmakers.

    Etc, etc.

  11. actor212

    This Cook County is the one in Minnesota, which we should have noticed since it was a Minnesota girl

    Well, those northern girls, with the way they kiss, they keep their boyfriends warm at night, so I imagine they can confuse anyone.

  12. FNMA

    For some reason, this made me think of Marty Funkhouser's joke from Curb Your Enthusiasm:

    A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.

    So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.

    Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he’ll never know the difference.

    So she does.

    They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o’clock, he’s gone but there’s a note on her pillow.
    It says -:
    “My darling Harriet.
    To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up.
    The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children.

    When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms,

    Your loving husband, Harry.

    PS. Your cunt is in the sink."

  13. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Scannell, who was shot last year by a criminal he prosecuted for sexual conduct, courted the 17 year girl in Minnesota, where the legal age of consent is 16.

    Scanners was DOING RESEARCH, damnit!!111!
    ~

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    Why does that pedo-bear have the fucked-up back leg? Did it get caught in a trap at some point?

  15. Callyson

    he’ll have to bury himself in his work prosecuting Cook County residents for things like, say, criminal sexual conduct, to numb the pain.

    If I were a judge, I would not be able to stop myself from LMFAO if he were in my court…

  16. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The pay is a lot less than you get in the private sector, you get yelled at by idiots all day long, it stressful, and on one respects you.

    How else are we going to get people to run for public office if they can't diddle teenagers?

    1. commiegirl99

      Yup. That's why we updated it half an hour before you posted your question, like so:

      "*This Cook County is the one in Minnesota, which we should have noticed since it was a Minnesota girl and the Duluth News Tribune. Hey, what can you do?"

  17. T3rbo

    No offense to any teenage girls out there, but what is this guy thinking? I'm 30 something, and the idea of having to spend any* extended time with a teenage girl does not sound like that fun. This may make me a prematurely old man, but I usually only want to tell teenagers to turn their music down and to get off my lawn. I can't stand to look at them, sometimes, with their straight billed hats and pseudo-hip hop skateboarder clothes. Why back in my day, we would bend the bills of our hats, and we liked it!

    *I get that this guy wants to diddle young women, who doesn't, but who in the hell wants to move into their dorms? Nightmare

  18. local242thug

    The woman said she encouraged Scannell to seek treatment, according to the petition. She said he responded: “She’s 17, she can make her own decisions, it’s not like she’s 11 or 14.” He said the relationship was not about sex, since he could get that anywhere.

    well, almost anywhere. just not in cook county.

  19. DahBoner

    Too bad this happened in Chicago and not New York City.

    Because I would have enjoyed a Woody Allen movie on this subject…

  20. SigDeFlyinMonky

    The theme song, by Andre Williams, has trenchant advice for all you little bears out there… "seventeen and a half is still jail bait!"

  21. BZ1

    … and get her into counseling, seems to be the operative message; perhaps someone else needs some psychological attention??

  22. lochnessmonster

    I know a guy who met a teenager-he divorced his wife and married the youngster only to find out she'd been sleeping around behind his back the whole relationship. 40 year old fool.

  23. fuflans

    yeah this is more MN Cook underage courting than IL Cook underage courting. the IL Cook underage courting would be less necklaces / txting and more hog butchers and fucking golden shit.

Comments are closed.