The Whiskey Squirmish

Donald Trump Acts Like Petulant Child To Surprise Of Absolutely No One

It's a Beautiful SnitAs if there were any doubt that Donald Trump is the world’s richest cranky toddler, the useless sack of bile is now pursuing a vendetta against the distiller of Glenfiddich whiskey after the company sponsored a contest that honored an opponent of a golf resort that Trump plans to build in Scotland. Trump’s latest case of the whining spitties erupted when Michael Forbes, a “quarryman and salmon fisherman” who has refused to sell his 28-acre property to Trump, was named “Top Scot” in a contest sponsored by the whiskey brand. In retaliation, Trump announced that his ptomaine-factory resorts and casinos will no longer sell any whiskeys made by Glenfiddich’s parent company, William Grant & Sons. Leaving aside the peevish overreaction, we question the wisdom of reducing the number of disinfecting agents available at Trump properties.

In exactly the sort of thing that you would expect Donald Trump to say, the overcompensating narcissist spun out a conjecture that the distiller’s dumb publicity-stunt contest, which it has sponsored for fifteen years, was actually conceived and executed in reaction to Trump Himself, because, of course, the successful whiskey-making concern was jealous of the pure concentrated white dwarf star of brilliance that is Trump, who recently began marketing his own brand of single-malt firewater:

“Glenfiddich should be ashamed of themselves for granting this award to Forbes, just for the sake of publicity.

“Glenfiddich is upset that we created our own single malt whisky using another distillery, which offers far greater products. People at our clubs do not ask for Glenfiddich, and I make a pledge that no Trump property will ever do business with Glenfiddich or William Grant & Sons.

“I hereby call for a boycott on drinking Glenfiddich products because there is no way a result such as this could have been made by the Scottish people.”

Poor Donald Trump! The poor man can’t even get pretend elections to go the way he wants! At least this time he didn’t call for a revolution. Still, the man does have an uncanny talent for saying stuff that simply reeks of un-self-aware grandiosity, doesn’t he?

After suggesting that the voting for Forbes had been fixed by “a small group of detractors” casting multiple votes, he continued: “Glenfiddich’s choice of Michael Forbes, as Top Scot, will go down as one of the great jokes ever played on the Scottish people and is a terrible embarrassment to Scotland.”

Yes, Donnie. It certainly is embarrassing. But only to someone with the slightest sense of shame.

In a side-note to the story, Mr. Forbes’s anti-Trump stand has been embraced by filmmaker and House of Lords member David Puttnam, who produced Bill Forsyth’s 1983 film Local Hero, a tale of Scottish eccentrics who successfully resist a rapacious American tycoon’s plans to buy up and exploit their property. It’s a pretty good movie, but Donald Trump is no Burt Lancaster.

We suppose that, because of this sleazy hit piece, there’s no chance His Royal Hairness will stock our excellent line of high-quality Wonkette tees, hats, and mugs.

[The Guardian via alert Wonkette Operative Biel_ze_Bubba]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  1. edgydrifter

    Trump wagging his finger at somebody else's publicity stunt is like a giant turd criticizing an onion for stinking up the joint.

  2. mrpuma2u

    Oh yeah, yet another "good idea" from the Donald. Fuck with the Scots. Worked out real well for the Roman Empire. What a dumbshit. If I wasn't so pathetically strapped for cash I would go buy a case of Glenfiddich today. Maybe I'll get one of those teeny bottles.

    1. Terry

      I would, too, except that I'm currently working my way through an absolutely fabulous bottle of 12 yr old Yamazaki.

    2. viennawoods13

      My husband poured himself a glass when he heard it last night, from his own teeny bottle of Glenfiddich.

  3. smellypossum

    I'd pay money to see Trump get an old-fashioned beat-down by a true Scot.

    Any 8-year old from Glasgow could do the job.

    1. BadKitty904

      I'm sure Trump's egocentric publicity stunt will work out just about as well as that terrorist attack on the Glasgow Airport back in '07…where the locals, standing about the airport terminal at the time of the attack, beat the living shit out of the terrorists, then held them 'til the police arrived.

      The Scots have been kicking assorted asses for over 2,000 years…

  4. johnnyzhivago

    Sounds like the movie "Local Hero" except in that film everyone was actually kind of interesting and well meaning, as opposed to Trump who is a boorish and self absorbed shmuck.

      1. viennawoods13

        I adore that film. So many classic lines, all that wonderful deadpan comedy. Bill Forsyth did a lovely gem of an Xmas film too, Comfort and Joy.

  5. sewollef

    AdChoices video ad on this page makes me fucking crazy!!

    It auto runs a video and gives you no choice to at least kill the volume. That is disrespectful, particularly when you're at work [as I am], and guarantees I won't click through.

    Oh yes, Donald Trump…. I'll be right back.

    1. commiegirl99

      But if you click through, you can send me the URL, so I can murder it. They are not supposed to be doing that.

      1. sewollef

        I tried that and it took me to the site being advertised. Another talking site. Damn it.

        Once it's finished its 15-second cycle I can pause it as the controls appear, but until that point I get no video controls at all…. and in a nice quiet design studio, my boss doesn't like it too much.

        Annoyingly, I know how to make video controls appear and slide out of view on sites, but this is just plain naughty.

  6. Geminisunmars

    In the spirit of anti-boycotts, I suppose now I will have to break out the Glenfiddich. brb.

      1. NellCote71

        I bet Michael Forbes is demanding that the Prime Minister produce his birth certificate, and Trump finds it treasonous. That's what I bet.

    1. Lizzietish81

      Come on, look at his toupee. Look at it.

      Now do we really need to ask how insecure this man is?

  7. Beowoof

    Wow, that was really clever on Glen Fiddich's part, as now I feel compelled to head over to my local liquor store and purchase and consume more this fine brand. It is funny how recognizing that big douche bag will react like a big douche bag will lead to more sales. Kudo's to Glen Fiddich.

  8. HRH_Maddie

    I'm going to start telling children that if you say "Glenfiddich" 3 times in a row Donald Trump will appear. That's way scarier than Bloody Mary.

    ….And speaking of which, it's 5 o'clock somewhere.

  9. pepperpat

    "…the overcompensating narcissist spun out a conjecture that the distiller’s dumb publicity-stunt contest, which it has sponsored for fifteen years, was actually conceived and executed in reaction to Trump Himself…"

    I, for one, certainly support more executions in reaction to Trump Himself.

  10. sewollef

    It’s a pretty good movie, but Donald Trump is no Burt Lancaster.

    Yeh, but at least Burt Lancaster has the decency to be dead…. and thus only plays a non-speaking part in the whole proceedings.

  11. Terry

    "Trump’s latest case of the whining spitties erupted when Michael Forbes, a “quarryman and salmon fisherman” who has refused to sell his 28-acre property to Trump, was named “Top Scot” in a contest sponsored by the whiskey brand. "

    I wish I'd have known about the contest. I'd have voted for Mr. Forbes as many times as possible.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      I'm sure Mr. Forbes is just chill as hell and could really give two shits about the Donald anyway.

  12. YouFail4eva

    So, how confident are we that Trump's hair isn't in fact sentient and has been controlling the Donald all this time? Obviously only a lump of hair would be as assholish and fucktardy as what we are seeing. A real human being wouldn't be nearly this pathetic.

  13. Abernathy

    I am shocked that he hasn't yet demanded to see Forbes' long-form Scottish birf certificate; can't be Top Scot if you're a secret Kenyan.

    1. NellCote71

      Sorry. I did not read through the chain before posting my own birthing take. I bow to your place in line.

    2. CindynEncinitas

      I hope he's a Scotsman's Scotsman = Pict. Proto-Celtic, matrilineal, face-painting (blue), jewelry-wearing, vicious motherfuckers on whom the movie Conan the Barbarian is loosely based and from whom I am proudly descended.

  14. SavageDrummer

    Too bad Glenfiddich is such vile Scotch (at least the 12 year old variety), otherwise I'd buy some out of spite, but I seriously cannot subject my refined palate to such awfulness!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Islay women as oft as is possiible, miss, but hae me somethin' of a dry spell, of late. Per'aps we should share a wee dram an' bide a bit, sometime?

      2. MaxNeanderthal

        Bowmore 25yr old. Lagavullin or Laphroig as backup…. That's funny, I find myself standing at the drinks cupboard…

        1. smokefilledroommate

          Lagavulin 16 is remarkably consistent. I love Talisker, Laphroaig (but the cask strength is like a punch in the throat), Caol Ila 12, Ardbeg is wonderful although I wish it had some later expressions.

    1. drbill0620

      I think I'll buy some anyway and just spit it out while watching YouTube videos of the Donald pontificating and whining about whatever…

  15. actor212

    “Glenfiddich should be ashamed of themselves for granting this award to Forbes, just for the sake of publicity. "

    There's the poit calling the coire blacach

  16. rickmaci

    Thanks again to DChump for reminding me I need to lay in a goodly stock of Glenfiddich for the holidays.

  17. cousinitt

    Local Hero, awesome movie. One of the best. Trump is also no Happer–Trump would never turn out to have a human side like Happer did.

    I want you to try this Scotch. It's 42 years old.
    Old enough to be out on its own.

    1. BadKitty904

      Townsman: Are you sure there are two l's in "dollar", Gideon?
      Gideon: Yes! An' there are two g's in "bugger off"!

    2. viennawoods13

      Every line that I think of quoting from it depends so much on the context that I can't put one down without having to explain what's going on. Sigh… time to dig out my copy and watch it again. And of course- it also has Wedge!!

      1. sullivanst

        *BUSTED* Noone who was pretentious enough to regularly drink The Macallan 25 on a regular basis would drop the "The"

  18. Severen13

    Later, Trump called Michael Forbes and Glenfiddich products "big bad meanie stupid-heads" and threatened to tell his mommy on them.

    1. actor212

      That would make an awesome name for a bottle of rotgut: Old Trump.

      Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….I wonder….if I bought a couple cases of Old Grandad and just rebottled it….

        1. actor212

          Please. I want repeat business.

          Wait…they're buying it for the cheap buzz, so if I drank the Old Grandad first, THEN pissed into a bottle….

  19. savethispatient

    a terrible embarrassment to Scotland

    Wait, were we talking about the football team or the rugby team?

    1. SubhumanVarmint

      Shit, I figured he was talking about them having to curtsey to an English queen, but what do I know?

      Oh, and Doktor, I love the poniez. Wantz moar poniez.

  20. ManchuCandidate

    Real American Assholes –
    US Amercian eelights don't just buy up tradition and bulldoze it, they throw temper tantrums and scream childish insults, safely away from the moor.
    [Can't Stop Looking At Your Hair]
    You say FUCK the Scots, this land is yours cause you bought it. Acting like a real US Amercian rich Asshole stereotype!
    [Sean Connery's got a fooking better toupe than yours]
    So throw away an ice less Glenfiddich Mr. Fake Hair Phony Billionaire US Amercian. You may claim you're a classy bajillionaire of taste, but you never had none of it anyway.
    And now go shill some shitty cologne and cloths.
    [Trump's a name that screams shitty].

  21. OneYieldRegular

    If the Scots were more like the Corsicans, the locals would have gotten together and said, "Let him make his golf course. Let him go ahead and make his golf course. We'll take care of making the holes."

  22. hagajim

    I think I finally realize why Donald has gone so whacko…those fucking hairs are a living sentinent being and they are eating his brain. Look at those damn things waving their tentacles in that photo.

  23. VodkaGoGo

    the successful whiskey-making concern was jealous of the pure concentrated white dwarf star of brilliance that is Trump

    Single-malt douchebag?

  24. Lascauxcaveman

    Eh, Glenfiddich, whatevs.

    But if he ties to get his grubby, short fingers on the Ardbeg, I'll punch him in the throat. Also, Scotland needs more golf courses like Trump needs more bankruptcies.

  25. iburl

    I hereby call on Jesus to consume Donald Trump and every last gold-plated monstrosity he has erected in a giant fireball. Amen.

  26. SayItWithWookies

    Donald Trump, your own children are ashamed of your assholery. You're such an asshole that you've managed to get the United States and Scotland to loathe your combed-over assholish self simultaneously. The entire world is practically unanimous that you're the biggest globetrotting pestilence this side of the bubonic plague. You are universally regarded as having primacy in suckitude across multiple dimensions of time and space. Black holes are jealous of your suckitude.

    In other words — congratulations.

        1. Oblios_Cap

          I've really never been really good at following rules. Most of the time, I don't even know what they are.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        That was the name of a fancy French restaurant mentioned in a tv series – something with Rock Hudson, as I recall…

  27. editor

    he sounds like a 13-year old girl freaking out over her bestest enemy being chosen "most popular." seriously, will somebody get this man a job or a real hobby already? he clearly has too much time on his hands.

  28. Botlrokit

    I wouldn't want to win "Top Scot". That's like being named "Miss America" or something, except whiter and spottier.

  29. HogeyeGrex

    More of a Lagavulin guy, myself. Might have to have a bit of Glenfiddich now though.

    Maybe I'll go buy a cup of Starbucks in the Castro and make Scottish coffee.

  30. Disassembly

    Doesn't anybody see that Trump, although he's too modest to admit it, is the Rosa Parks of our time?

  31. Poindexter718

    "People at our clubs do not ask for Glenfiddich …"
    So Donald Trump is organizing a boycott of something that was already being boycotted at his bedbug hatcheries?
    That'll teach 'em!

  32. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Glenfiddich should be ashamed of themselves for granting this award to Forbes, just for the sake of publicity.

    Trump is also upset because he thought he had the exclusive on doing things just for the sake of publicity.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Seriously … the fact that he's gone public with being batshit crazy can't be helping his business. Who would want to invest a substantial sum of money with a certifiable loon?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      It's definitely an acquired taste. When I was younger, I always thought Scotch tasted like iodine, and that Jack Daniels and Southern Comfort ruled the roost. I think I was in my mid to late 30s when one day I said to myself, "Man, I think I'd like to have a taste of Scotch." The rest is history.

  33. sullivanst

    Well, at least I now know that Trump has put his worthless name to a relabelled Scotch, and can make sure that I don't accidentally buy any, not that there was ever much chance of that, what with me never having seen it in stores, or advertised anywhere.

    However, where was David Puttnam last year, and is Mark Knopfler available for the soundtrack?

  34. Callyson

    “Glenfiddich should be ashamed of themselves for granting this award to Forbes, just for the sake of publicity…"

    Donald fucking TRUMP is criticizing someone for seeking publicity?

    ROTFLMAO!!! Help, I'm gasping for air here!

  35. Goonemeritus

    Trump’s actions this year taken as a whole can only be seen as vandalism against his own personal brand. As a business man I find this shocking when you stop to consider that the Trump brand is all he has to sell. It would not surprise me if his missteps were taught in business schools as a cautionary tale from this time forward.

      1. emmelemm

        "Ratner has said in his defence that it was a private function which he did not expect to be reported, and that his remarks were not meant to be taken seriously."

        Oh my God, he's Mitt Romney!

        (Seriously, I'd never actually heard of this; was interesting Wiki entry.)

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          "Oh my God, he's Mitt Romney! "

          He's pretty much any Rethuglican politician: pandering in public to people he despises in quiet rooms.

  36. kittensdontlie

    “Oh the gift that god could give us, to see ourselves as others see others.”
    ― Robert Burns

  37. BornInATrailer

    Glenfiddich. Just the latest in a long line that realize a public excoriation by the Donald is an always good.

      1. BornInATrailer

        That would be fantastic. The Wonkette Twitter feed should include @realDonaldTrump for every Trump story. That has at least got to be the starting point.

  38. fuflans

    you know what i'd love to see? i'd love to see donald trump dumped in the middle of somalia pirate land (let's say Harardhere b/c really, is there a BETTER name for an actual pirate city?) with no entourage, no cell phone, no car, no gun, no cash, one credit card and a nametag that says 'IMPORTANT AMERICAN DO NOT TOUCH HAIR' in somali.

    i'd like to see what happens next.

  39. Bluestem

    While we're in the highlands, can we drop the Donald off at Brigadoon? I think maybe it would be ok if he bloviated only one day every hundred years.

  40. LibrarianX

    "Glenfiddich should be ashamed of themselves for granting this award to Forbes, just for the sake of publicity." said Donald McTrump, publicity whore.

  41. bikerlaureate

    1983, "Local Hero."
    1997, "Top Scot" contest begins.

    Well, yeah, this is clearly a conspiracy to humiliate Trump. There could be no other reason for either prior event to occur.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Yikes. I'm beginning to see why El Trumpet turned teabagger: he reached the point where nobody else on the planet was stupid enough to be impressed by him.

  42. christianmuslin

    If first prize is a stay at the Trump Hotel and Casino, then I will opt for the Wonkette suite: one night at the Bed on the Roof Inn with a single roll of Costco paper TOWELS on the bathroom wall midway between shower and toilet but reachable from neither and with a Kino ticket on the bed placed there by the turn down maid.

  43. Tundra Grifter

    Isn't there also a documentary out about this golf course brouhaha? That cost the maker of it a great deal of money? Seems I read something about that recently…

  44. Tundra Grifter

    Residents fear Donald Trump will launch another eviction onslaught
    October 28, 2012

    HOME owners who refused to move for Donald Trump’s millionaire’s playground yesterday insisted they are ready for anything the bullying tycoon can throw at them.

    Horrified TV viewers last week watched Michael Forbes, Susan Munro and David Milne endure months of hell as Trump’s team tried to force them to make way for his golf course and hotel development at Menie, in Aberdeenshire.

    The documentary, You’ve Been Trumped, prompted a furious response against the New York tycoon’s bully boy tactics and condemnation of the council, police and Government for turning a blind eye to the homeowners’ plight.

    Yesterday, they vowed to fight any further attempts to drive them out and bulldoze their homes.

    But they remain in fear that the loud-mouthed billionaire will return with compulsory purchase orders to force them to leave.

  45. drbill0620

    I think his hair is fermenting and he was afraid they's want to use him to make a vat of booze…

  46. JohnnyBrooklyn

    On the plus side, Donald's latest rant is just stupid. Previously his rants were both racist and stupid. So that's progress I guess.

  47. lulzmonger

    Awww, did the big bad Repo Depot take away poor widdle Man-Child's hugbox AGAIN?

    PS: Dude's been bald for ages … what you see in that picture are hookworms, trying in vain to escape.

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