Whether you’re of the Judeo-Christian persuasion or one of those exotic religions, you’re probably required to give gifts to people some time in the next month. We here at Wonkette understand that this is patently unfair. Why should you have to sacrifice any portion of your earnings to, for example, the lazy marxist teachers in your life? If you can’t avoid giving them gifts because they’re something stupid like family, consider giving them the gift to end all gifts, the gift that ensures that that you’ll never have to buy them gifts ever again, because they will be empowered straight out of the moocher class: Atlas Shrugged II, not quite yet on DVD.
Who wouldn’t thrill, Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Whatever morning, to unwrap a brand new copy of this fine film? Too bad, looters! No one gets to have the thrill of holding this masterpiece in their hands until February 19, 2013. Instead, you will hand your friends and relatives this very fine piece of paper that lets them know the greatest story ever told will be forthcoming. What? Well, of COURSE you have to print the gift certificate yourself. This isn’t a charity or Soviet Russia you collectivist slobs.
Brother-in-law not much of a movie watcher? Never fear. There are a wealth of other gifts you can give to teach the true meaning of Objectivism. Consider a stylish dollar-sign lapel pin that isn’t douche-y AT ALL. No? How about a handsome cap honoring one of the fictional companies in the book/movie/marketing juggernaut? For the lady in your life, make sure to pick up the laughably expensive anodized aluminum bracelet. You are for SURE getting lucky after she opens that treasure.
If you just cannot wait until February to share the good news of Ayn Rand with your friends and loved ones, consider taking them to see ASII when it is still in the theater. It will no doubt be much more thrilling on the big screen. If you live in movie-going metropolises (metropoli??) like Prince George, Utah, or Las Cruces, New Mexico, you are in luck! The rest of you will just have to repurpose an Advent calendar and count down the days until February.