A thousand kinds of shrimpOh, you guys think South Carolina freshman Congressman Tim Scott is so great, huh? And that’s why he is awesome dude Jim DeMint’s handpicked successor in the Senate when DeMint goes off to filibuster the Heritage Foundation or whatever? Well what if we told you he might not even be a virgin but might have put his dingus in a lady’s babyhole, even though he is a 46-year-old bachelor unbound in holiest matrimony? WHAT THEN? HENGHHGH?

As a 30-year-old, Scott would speak at schools about the importance of abstinence until marriage. He didn’t hesitate to tell the story of his own virginity as an unmarried man. “Talking to teens and college students about sexual purity is a hot ticket for me because I’m single,” he told The Post and Courier in Charleston in 1995. “I know what it means to struggle on the issue of sex. But it’s worth the wait.”

Scott laughed when asked recently about whether as a 46-year-old bachelor he adheres to the same virtues that he did at 30. “Yeah.… Not as well as I did then,” he said in his Capitol Hill office. “At the end of the day, the Bible is very clear: abstinence until marriage. Not to do so is a sin.” Scott said he would still go to schools to preach the importance of abstinence but would no longer use his own story. “I wouldn’t talk about that anymore,” he said with a smile. “The Bible’s right—you’re better off to wait. I just wish we all had more patience.”

That’s right, y’all. Tim Scott is nothing but a jezebel who probably wants us to pay for his birth control pills, like a common prostitution whore.

Also, he’d be the first black Senator from the South since Reconstruction, so that’s cool.


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  • Beetagger


    • Totes

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr


        • ProgressiveInga

          Fo' Shizzle.

          • Wevs

          • Negropolis

            For True.


          • sundaytrucker


    • Ruhe

      Or still a virgin. Ridiculous canard either way.

      • ph7

        Or gay virgin.

        • They make the best kind of olive oil, gay virgin olives.

        • Ruhe

          Also preposterous.

    • Lizzietish81

      Maybe he uses the Priest Celibacy Loophole.

      • kittensdontlie

        Yes , the sex is not sinful, it's the gay that is.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Yup. And a card-carrying member of the DL club.

    • OneYieldRegular

      I never before realized how conservatives' "abstinence until marriage!" and "no gay marriage!" platforms intertwine so well together to promote homosexuality. Who even needs The Gay Agenda?

    • OneDollarJuana

      It's ok, now. You can move to Washington and get gay married.

    • Not_So_Much

      Not that there's anything wrong with that…

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Looks like another certain "big in musical theatre" republican I can think of- "telegram for Mr Steele!"

    • rocktonsam

      black, gay and a virgin is no way to go through life son

    • Negropolis

      DeMint always struck me that way, too.

      South Carolina went gay, and they are apparently never getting away.

      • Nah, D-man is just an asshole. I met him years ago. Y'all do know his business is marketing. He'd make a good traveling evangelical preacher, the Elmer Gantry type. Real self-righteous type.

        Now Miss Lindsay, I dunno. The 2014 elections around here are going to be pretty interesting.

        • Negropolis

          A lot of previosly closeted leaders we find are "good traveling evangelical preachers" and "real self-righteous types." In fact, they seem the most suspetible to being outed.

    • teebob2000

      My first thought was itty-bitty tiny wiener. But, y'know, black… ???

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Before he got the haircut and ran for office, he went by "Velvet Jones."

  • Is the fapping lamp lit?

  • WHORE!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think he's getting to that age where the term "committed bachelor" usually raises a few eyebrows.

    • cousinitt

      Plucked and waxed?

    • emmelemm

      Isn't the term "confirmed bachelor"?

      Although, yeah, this guy should probably be committed. The L-U-N-A-T-I-C goes in the S-E-N-A-T-E.

      • Naked_Bunny

        I dunno. My main thought coming out of this article is, should New Hampshire change its name? I mean, it's not that new anymore. I understand they wouldn't want to change the name to "Hampshire" because that would just attract confused Brits who drive on the wrong side of the road after slogging all the way across the Atlantic, making a mess during morning rush.

        Perhaps we should hold a contest for a new name. My suggestion is "New Hamster" so they don't need to change their postal code, and they now sound adorable. Also, because they're small, and often furry.

    • OzoneTom

      Even more when that describes both Senators from a state.

      • littlebigdaddy

        You think Miss Lindsey likes her some black manmeat?

        • drbill0620

          My own thoughts exactly.

          Ain't Miss Lindsey also a confirmed bach-el-(wh)ore?

      • emmelemm

        The even zanier Odd Couple!

    • Either that or he's a mama's boy who still lives at home.

  • Talking to teens and college students about sexual purity is a hot ticket

    Whoa! Stop right there! Talking about sexual purity is NEVER a hot ticket. To anyone. Anywhere. Under any circumstance.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      It is if you're talking about tantric purity, but only if your name is Sting.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      There is now Dan Savage in the world. No parent or other adult ever has to talk to a child or teen about sex ever again, because Mr. Savage doin' it right.

      Signed, a grateful parent

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    Does the buttsechs count?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Pitching or catching?

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Obviously not.

    • cousinitt

      If it was for procreation, then ok. Look, tea partiers have to reproduce somehow.

    • Guppy

      Yeah, I'm thinking that even if it was a lady's, it definitely weren't no babyhole.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "whether as a 46-year-old bachelor he adheres to the same virtues that he did at 30."

    "Well, I don't fap quite as much as I used to."

    • Too many callouses?

      • It loses its charm when you pee a little each squirt.

        Not that I, you know, ever had that problem. I'm as virile as the next guy!

        I heard. From a friend.

        • bikerlaureate

          Your liver, dude… that's like a cry for help.

    • ph7

      The thrill is gone.

  • el_donaldo

    Another bachelor senator from South Carolina? People are going start talking, y'all.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Does that make a cockus?

    • The Odd Coupling.

    • Negropolis

      Lindsey and Tim would make a cute – and probably still illegal for a number of reasons – South Carolina couple, huh?

  • PuckStopsHere

    46 year old batch? //Miss Lindsey's ears perk up.

    • rmjagg

      the hoopskirt goes up , this guy is in ….

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    He was such a good guy until Nikki had her way.

    • She had so many devices — everything that money could buy!

  • Disassembly

    Yeah, but something else about him makes me uncomfortable. You know, he doesn't look very congressional. I can't put my finger on it exactly. Maybe it's the haircut.

    • the_deliverator

      the blah? is that it? It might be the blah…

      • Disassembly

        Heavens no! And I'm tired of all you Northern aggressuhs assuming we Southerners are racist just because we hate blacks.

        • the_deliverator

          BLAH. BLAH. Not Black, obviously. That would not be RACIAL TRANSCENDENCE. I'm referring to his obvious ennui, obviously. OBVIOUSLY. Also, the blah.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        He does look just like that Kenyan socialist Muslim that has usurped the White House.

        • Not_Mother

          He plays his cards right he can be the gamecock usurper.

    • kittensdontlie

      He applied his blackface too perfectly….

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Well, I only fuck married white wimmen, so it doesn't really count against me."

    • Negropolis

      Try telling that to a sistah.

  • This is going to be… interesting.

  • Trix, I found something interesting on Scott:

    Mr. Scott grew up in the projects of North Charleston and was raised my [sic] a single mother who worked two jobs to keep him and his brother off of welfare. Scott was failing out of high school until he found a mentor by the name of John Moniz (a local Chick-fil-A owner who told Tim that, “You can think your way out of poverty”).

    I don't think it would be much of a challenge for the commentariat to have fun with that.

    • PubOption

      Does Mitt know Moniz? Has Moniz moved to the Cayman Islands?

    • I've been trying to think my way out of poverty for awhile now. Am I doing it wrong?

    • ttommyunger

      Wealthy mentor to a young poor black boy? Read "top".

  • I'll bet he likes ham biscuits!

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    He has what I believe is referred to in the African-American community as a "peanut-head." Unless it's racist of me to point this out. In which case, never mind.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      It's not racist of you to point it out but it is racist of you to wonder if pointing it out is racist.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        It's also racist because he's a black Republican, and any criticism of black Republicans is racist.

  • Fairtackle

    Of course the list if things that "don't count" as losing your virginity can be quite extensive. As long as your arm, as it were.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      It only counts as sex if at least on of the partners is sobbing uncontrobably and/or vomits. Preferably both!

    • Wile E. Quixote

      I know, For example did you know that fucking a chicken while you're riding a jet ski and being fisted by a transvestite hooker wearing a nun's habit and a Ronald Reagan Halloween mask doesn't count as losing your virginity? Yeah, me neither, but according to this abstinence based sex education book I was reading pretty much anything goes as long as vaginas aren't involved.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    There is a word for 30 year old men who brag about never having had sex with ladies. That word is gay.

    • Lizzietish81

      I know Gay men who have had sex with women.

      • I know at least one gay man who has four kids.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Yes, me too. You've missed my point.

        • gullywompr

          I knew a gay man who had a point.

          • kittensdontlie

            This post broke my gaydar, which I just had repaired.

          • BigSkullF*ckingDog

            But at least your snark receptor is still working.

          • SuspectedDemocrat

            I heard it was missed.

          • gullywompr

            Yeah, I didn't get it.

      • widestanceromance

        That's my Tequila Story about why I swore off tequila, in fact.

  • Botlrokit

    “I know what it means to struggle on the issue of sex. But it’s worth the wait.”

    Spoken like a true Christian. "My reward for good living is heaven… after I die."

  • Lizzietish81

    The more these holy rollers talk about Heaven the duller it sounds.

    • Botlrokit

      …or the more they talk about sexytime, too.

      • bikerlaureate

        I hope Heaven, particularly for those who had some sincerity motivating their clean living, is nonstop sexytime of the types and spices they dream about.

        • Negropolis

          There is no sex in heaven, as marriage and sex are only a dim reflection and representation of the marriage that is to be had with Jesus forever and ever, amen.

          That's the Christians' story, and they are sticking to it. Honestly, this is what I was taught in my religion class. It's convenient, too, especially for those that had multiple spouses during their lifetime.

  • SexySmurf

    What does he think he is? A Palin?

  • vulpes82

    Oooooh, Miss Lindsay is just going to scream with delight when there are two bachelor Senators from South Carolinny! They can have sleepovers and braid their hair (well, Graham's hair) and talk about boys!

    More seriously, OH GOD, the "SEE! We're not racists! We have a BLACK GUY in the Senate! You may now all vote for us, coloreds!" from the Republicans is going to be sickening.

    • rmjagg

      they won't talk about boys in front of miss lindsay , he'd get as jealous as scarlett o'hara . it's miss lindsay , right there , ripe for the plucking , or it's no one at all …

  • YasserArraFeck

    Highly Strung adj.

    1. Describes one's general demeanor if one has, in fact, abstained from doing the nasty until age 46. See also: Blue Balls

    2. Describes how most of Tim Scott's constituents wish he was, on account of his uppity blahness. See also: Nearest Tree

  • “I know what it means to struggle on the issue of sex. But it’s worth the wait.”

    Let's see — if it was worth the wait, Scott shouldn't have known. If it wasn't worth the wait, then he's just lying. So yeah — he sounds like the ideal candidate, especially since his future leader, Mitch McConnell, just filibustered his own bill.

    • McConnell just filibustered his own bill

      Great story. Give 'em hell, Harry!!

      • Mitch has been autofilibustering for so long he finally decided to go public with it.

  • memzilla

    “I know what it means to struggle on the issue of sex. But it’s worth the wait.”

    Question 1: How do you know?!

    Question 2: Could G-d Herself make a penis so large that She Herself couldn't lift it?

    • ph7

      "it’s worth the wait."

      Okay, at 20, maybe you can convince yourself of the virtues of holding out another year or two.
      At 46, even the God Squad robots who hear this are thinking "no fucking way I'm waiting that long, loser!"

    • gullywompr

      Could G-d Herself make a penis so large that She Herself couldn't lift it?

      Already did. (see: Obama, Barack H.)

    • Barrelhse

      Does a dong have Buddha nature?

      • gullywompr


  • since Reconstruction

    "Forsworn and 'leventy years ago…" — Tim Scott, on how long he's kept his l'il "light" under a bushel~

  • Oblios_Cap

    I was pulling for Alvin Green. But not the same way Powers was.

  • Secluded Compound

    Once you get in the sack, you never go back.

  • Lizzietish81

    Well he's not technically married in South Carolina since they don't recognize it yet…

  • An_Outhouse

    What's that word for a 46 year old "bachelor" again?

    • Mittaplasia


    • ProgressiveInga


    • SuspectedDemocrat
  • Fucking hypocrite. "Heh-heh, Kids, keep it in your pants before marriage, uh, at least 'til about 40. (wink)"

    • bikerlaureate

      He did the best he could. What, you think he sent the message that caving in to the primal urge is… just a matter of time? That the motivation for being chaste isn't enough to obtain the help anyone would need to prevail?

    • corthylio

      Hey, kids- do as I say, not as I do!!

      (Leers lasciviously…)

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Scott/Scott 2116!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The WaPo dis of Demint is Jen 'Harpy' Rubin wherein she also attacks Heritage Fo. Winger commenters are confused. Either hate on [RINO] Jen, or think someone hacked WaPo.

    • Lizzietish81


  • Mittaplasia

    He will caucus with the other black Republicans…oh, wait! Would that be the subgroup of a subgroup?

    • Botlrokit

      Committee of one!

    • not that Dewey


    • SexySmurf

      He caucuses with himself; that's how he's been able to remain a virgin so long.

      • bikerlaureate

        You can have my self-caucusing only when you take it from my cold…


      • viennawoods13

        Master of his District.

    • MMathS

      Plantation Republicans.

    • Negropolis

      To be fair, he'd be the ONLY black person in the Senate. Period.

  • decentcitizen

    No way he is a virgin -but liar, probably.

    • HistoriCat

      but liar, probably certainly.

      You did see "Congressman" in front of his name, right?

  • cousinitt

    Senator Clayton Bigsby.

  • rmjagg

    what's really so pure about no sex ? seriously , that whole narrative is fucked . unused , yes , but ' pure ' ???

    • It's as pure as unopened bottle of wine — as in, you'll never know whether it turned to vinegar or not.

  • Botlrokit

    This is good news for Sarah Palin!

  • gullywompr

    In South Carolina's defense, this guy only has to "serve" until the special election, when they can elect a real Senator.

    • corthylio

      I guess it's at least theoretically possible that SC voters won't vote for the incumbent in a Senate race when the incumbent is running. The last time an incumbent Senator was defeated was 1965- the same year Tim Scott was born…

      I dunno who has deep enough pockets to run against him, though- this guy is a Tea Party/Club for Growth darling. Maybe the Dems can talk Alvin Greene or Ben Frasier into running again?

  • Terry

    It's curious that the best conservative candidate they can come up with is a freshman congressman. Is it that all the more experienced GOP'ers in the state have been caught in various dirty deeds?

    • I thought I had a wart once, turned out it was gonorrhea.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “I know what it means to struggle on the issue of sex. But it’s worth the wait.”

    If you are still a virgin, how the fuck do you know that it's worth the wait?

    • BadKitty904

      He read it online.

      • Oblios_Cap

        If it's on the internet, it can't be a lie!

  • rickmaci

    He's a nearly 50 year old man who is unmarried and has never been married. I have a feeling "celibacy" is the least of his personal issues.

    • BadKitty904

      A 50-yr-old, celibate South Carolinian. You don't even need a fuse for that time-bomb…

  • Yeah, I'm sure that S.C.'s unreconstructed Cornfederates will rally around this guy.

    • CrunchyKnee

      Yes, the rally will involve sheets.

  • DahBoner

    He must be a fisherman because he knows where to find the FRESHEST TAIL…

  • pdiddycornchips

    Hell, if he wasn't porking a cousin, he;'s not truly representative of the great state of South Carolina.

  • metamarcisf

    You know who else wishes they had more patients?

    • Lizzietish81

      Ron Paul?

    • Dr. House?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Marcus Bachmann?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Dr Kevorkian?

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        I believe that doctor hath healed thyself.

    • BadKitty904


  • CrunchyKnee

    He'd better make sure that he was sexing a South Carolina blah woman, or the bible crackers in that state will be all up in arms.

  • Lizzietish81

    Wait, this isn't an attempt to win over the black vote in the same way the Republicans tried to get the Women vote by making Palin the VP Candidate is it?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I can't believe they would lower themselves to that.

      • BadKitty904

        I think they've pretty well confirmed that there's no limit to how low they'll go…

  • OneYieldRegular

    Whew! At last South Carolina can come into play as a swing state.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    He's a successful 46 year old who has had sex at least two or three times. I'm sure the ladies are beating a path to his door.

  • bikerlaureate

    A freshman member of the House is the best choice for a U.S. Senate seat?

    What a relief that these elected "officials" are able to rise above petty partisanship, for the good of their constituents.

  • widestanceromance

    I've never struggled with the issue of sex, it's more the fitting than the issuing.

  • Huzzah! Another useless, de-minted ideologue departs! Perhaps we are finally seeing the return of the moderate Republi-… What's that you say, JoeMyGod? The proposed replacement isn't a moderate? Wanted to deny food stamps to anybody participating in a union strike, huh? Called for the president to be impeached, you say. Oh. So, another Teabagger nutbag? Curses… let's at least hope there's a good sex scandal to look forward to!

  • S'cool, he married his hand.

    • Mittaplasia

      If he were Mormon, he could marry both …. never mind; I keep forgetting DIY is a sin in most religions.

  • DCBloom

    Why are all the Republican politicians from SC gay?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      They've discovered that their male cousins are better looking than their female cousins.

  • Ruhe

    “Talking to teens and college students about sexual purity is a hot ticket for me because I’m single,” he told The Post and Courier in Charleston in 1995.

    A "hot ticket" as in: it pays well?

  • Also, he’d be the first black Senator from the South since Reconstruction, so that’s cool.

    Oh, no, it is not cool. We just got rid of Allen West and the memory of Mr 999 is still painfully fresh.

    But, yeah, it's a Republican appointment so I guess a few laughs is the best we can hope for.

  • docterry6973

    Sex outside of marriage? Is that a thing?

  • drbill0620

    I want to see his "long form" purity certificate…puhl-eeze…

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    I want the Repubs to have a gay black Senator. This will totally make my day.

  • le petit mort

    Use it or lose it.

  • StealthMuslin

    South Carolina is a southern state. If you look at a map it's sort of "down-low" beneath a lot of other states. We could be in for quite a ride…

    • Negropolis

      South Carolina even has a (Down) Low Country. How very convenient.

  • Respitetini

    Wait, I'm confused. If the good looking black prospective senator is republican, is he still coming after our white women? Or is that just the Democrats?

  • BZ1

    Methinks, the fella doth protests too much …

  • rocktonsam

    can he go to the hole like Glen Rice?

  • christianmuslin

    Senator Barbara Mikulski will fuck him blind in the Senate showers! With votes and her donkey dildo.

  • DocChaos

    Reading the dude's wiki page I see he is a typical fuck the people conservative, but I guess since he's not bat-shit crazy, he never got the love and attention that Allen West did. I can't imagine he'd be any worse than Jim DeMint, and as long as were going to have conservatives, I suppose it's a sign of progress if some of them are black. Back in the 50s an 60s when Republican candidates could routinely get around 30% or so of the black vote, they weren't nearly the assholes they are today.

  • yeah that's a good idea. wait for sex til you're middle aged.

    • Mittaplasia

      Keep "saving it" and after awhile it ceases to draw interest…doh!

  • Veritas78

    It could be like having Senator Little Richard (R-SC). We liked it. We could dance to it.

  • scionkirk

    what a fucking idiot

  • Schmegeg

    “I know what it means to struggle on the issue of sex."

    Yep, me too. If you think your not getting laid now, sir, try getting married.

  • Negropolis

    Again with the Scotts. I can't trust that name, anymore.

  • Negropolis

    “Yeah.… Not as well as I did then,” he said in his Capitol Hill office. “At the end of the day, the Bible is very clear: abstinence until marriage. Not to do so is a sin.”

    Honestly, look at the three sentences one next to the other. They are total non-sequiters. He actually answers the question, by either not really answering it, or answering it too directly. It's just a bizarre set of sentences.

  • Negropolis

    I'm so going to hell for hoping they choose the guy if only because I don't think he could win the special election in the bloody, beating heart of the Confederacy, especially if the Dems put up a centrist white dude. Some will yell "Nikki Haley", and well, she ran so far from her heritage as for it to be offensive. Tim can't do that no matter how hard he tries.

    I'm a cynical bastard.

    BTW, I love how Republicans pick minorities of all types and elevate them, but the minorities are NEVER allowed to identify as such because that would be "divisive." lol You put up this pretty thing with a bow on it, but don't you dare touch it.

  • freddymcmurray
  • Don't you just KNOW that Haley is wishing she could appoint herself to the job.

  • “The Bible’s right—you’re better off to wait."

    Seriously, Dude, you're 46 years old. What the fuck are you waiting FOR?

  • ttommyunger

    Oh no, he's straight. And Mitt will win by a landslide. These morons just believe what they want to be true. I fucking love it.

  • GeorgiaMike

    Sorry, but "46-year-old bachelor" would seem to say that ladies don't have to worry about him getting anywhere near their babyhole. My guess is that the "ladies" he likes have short haircuts, very small breasts and, shall we say, athletic figures.

    • Negropolis

      Your forgot penis. His women have got to have a penis.

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