I said good day sir...good day!

Jim DeMint Has Had Enough Of Your Stupid Senate

I know this is going to disgust you Michael, but a lot of people are in this business to make moneySouth Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint (R-R’lyeh) announced that he will resign his U.S. Senate seat in January to become president of the Heritage Foundation. Sen. DeMint, just two years into his second term, will be trading “public service” (i.e., shaping policy to funnel government resources to contributors) for a “position in the private sector” (i.e., lobbying to get policy shaped to funnel government resources to contributors).

“I’m leaving the Senate now, but I’m not leaving the fight. I’ve decided to join The Heritage Foundation at a time when the conservative movement needs strong leadership in the battle of ideas,” DeMint said in a statement.

Liberal bloggers nationwide groaned at the “battle of ideas” metaphor, knowing that they would thereby be forced to invoke the “unarmed opponent” cliché. Curse you, Jim DeMint!

DeMint’s replacement in the Senate will be appointed by South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, and will serve until a 2014 special election to serve out the remainder of the term. No word yet on whether Wonkette fave Alvin Greene is in the running for that appointment; we will assume that, since he has said nothing on the matter, he actually has said Everything on the matter, and will take DeMint’s seat in spirit, if not in material reality. (Say, how did Jack Stuef write that stuff, anyway?)

At press time, the assumption is that Mr. DeMint is transitioning to the Heritage Foundation mostly for teh moneez, as well as for the opportunity to pontificate without actually having to pass legislation. Reckless speculation about other possible motives would be irresponsible, but inevitable. Mr. DeMint, who has recently bloviated about the need to teach creationism in schools, because it is a science fact, should fit right in at the Heritage Foundation.

[The Hill]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

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  • gullywompr

    And the pony he rode in on…

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Don't knock the ponies!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      SHH! Dammit. Maybe he won't notice!

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Brony Deminty?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Deminty Demony

    • Guppy

      Seriously, Dok: the only thing that annoys more than the ponies is being denied the right to bitch about the ponies!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        WE ARE OPPRESSED!

    • chicken_thief

      What are you saying? That he had the buttseks with an intern and the pony he rode in on? I mean, I hadn't heard that, but it would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    If I had known there was an opening for a loud mouth ignorant asshole at the Heritage Foundation I would have applied although I'm not nearly as qualified as DeMint.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Can you say "Fuck the Poor." You are then qualified to lead Heritage.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If I had known there was an opening for a loud mouth ignorant asshole

      See, right there are two reasons you wouldn't qualify…

    • Wile E. Quixote

      You and me both. Damnit. I'm tired of being an amateur loud-mouthed ignorant asshole at Wonkette. I want to go pro, join the big leagues and go to the Heritage Foundation and get paid for it.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        We could open a school!!!!!

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Maybe a program through Dennis Prager Online University!

          • HempDogbane

            & run ads for it on Wonkette. With audio !

          • widestanceromance

            "Get me Kortney on the phone–STAT!"

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        How much do you have to get paid to leave the senate of the most powerful country on the planet? Seriously, what's sweeter than sitting in the pot of 100 with filibuster powers you can run from a hot tub? Seriously, how do you get paid enough to leave a 3 day a week job with full benefits and bribery opportunities out the wazoo?

        • Wile E. Quixote

          Seriously, what's sweeter than sitting in the pot of 100 with filibuster powers you can run from a hot tub?

          Remember though that you're sharing that hot tub with Lindsey Graham, Tom Coburn, Jim Imhofe, Mike Lee, Rand Paul, John McCain, Jon Kyl, Saxby Chambliss, Joe Lieberman, John Cornyn and Lamar Alexander, and that they all, every single one of them, forgot their swimsuits.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            HOOF
            ARTED?

          • emmelemm

            L O L

            (literally – getting funny looks in office)

          • PopeEdgardo

            AOTK.

            Sorry. Always wanted to do that.

    • Terry

      You've never tried to block education money for poor schools in South Carolina. You are a piker by comparison.

      • chicken_thief

        Pssst. "Poor schools" = n-e-g-r-o-e-s, so it's ok.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Who will replace DeMint? That is a mighty big hole to fill.

    • freakishlywrong

      It's South Carolina. Miss Pittypat will continue to be the lesser embarrassment from the Palmetto state in the senate.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        She would, but noobody bought her a map.

    • OzoneTom

      Governor Nimrata Randhawa will appoint herself, QED.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Sikh and ye shall find. Will she be taking Will Folks as a senior aide?

      • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ Rufus T. Firefly

        She can parachute herself over there.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Obama's Dick So Big, it can… no, it can't.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Plus who's going to fill his mighty big holes now that he's not going to be around hambiscuits all day long?

    • bobloblawlawblg

      This is Lindsey Graham's worry as well (about the hole, I mean.)

      • drbill0620

        Or her ultimate fantasy – (the hole thang….)

        "I want the (w)hole thang," she's sayin, Miss Lindsey

    • bikerlaureate

      I predict… a Caucasian.

    • Lizzietish81

      They'll just put a vacuum cleaner next to a microphone to simulate the giant sucking sound of his presence.

      • drbill0620

        Or Miss Lindsey makin a noise interviewing new candidates to replace Da-Mint.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      They'll cram someone in Lindsey, never fear.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        A human butt plug so to speak.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Or bookmark, yes.

          • OzoneTom

            Don't they just bend-over a page?

          • jqheywood

            Well-played!

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      A tire iron could fill that hole.

    • RadioBitchFace

      Rusty Chainsaw?

    • chicken_thief

      She could nominate that fucker that used to claim he fucked her, just to get him out of the state.

  • bureaucrap

    Don't forget "I'm announcing my candidacy for the 2016 Presidential Nomination, because Rick Santorum is a liberal traitor" justification.

  • ProgressiveInga

    "…as well as for the opportunity to pontificate without actually having to pass legislation."
    And this will be different for DeMint how?

  • asterixaverni

    This means he'll be running for preznit in 2016.

    What other loads of crazy and useless can North Carolina stick us with in his place?

    • DCBloom

      HEY! Thats SOUTH Carolina. We NC people have our own wingnuts, thank you very much!

      • Terry

        Walter B. Jones Jr., for instance.

        • GlowneyHouse

          …and Virginia Foxx.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        And hot balls!

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Did Miss Linsey and Jim have a spat or something? Those crazy kids can still work it out!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Pfff — he's leaving now so he can get that sweet signing bonus before his taxes go up. Also probably renaming it the Hate Foundation, 'cause why be ashamed of it, right?

  • http://academia.edu/2156577/Critical_Bioregionalist_Method_in_Dune_A_Position_Paper 4TheTurnstiles

    Fuckin' golden. Can we get Lauri Apple to illustrate the leap when Haley parachutes herself in there?

  • SpiderCrab

    He's a closeted gay Mexican. His coming out party, while head of the Heritage Propaganda Mill, will mark a historic rebirth of the GOP.

    • chicken_thief

      And will inspire Louie Gohmert, Rick Perrywinkle, and Marcus Bachmann to come out as well?

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Good.Riddance.

  • bureaucrap

    "I want to spend more time hiking on the Appalachian Trail."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "I hung on to this job long enough to qualify for a pension and health benefits for life, now I'm going take another job where I can try to justify denying the maximum amount of people those very things!"

    • HistoriCat

      Bing. Go.

  • Tengu

    He leaves the Senate a better place than when he was there.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Jimmy DeMented is leaving because he's tired of being the bottom junior senator from South Carolina.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, what are the odds that Nikki Haley will appoint someone even more crazy? Or her former lover?

    • Terry

      Both of those are pretty big categories actually.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      She could appoint Andre Bauer. That way South Carolina would be the only state represented by two gay senators. Take that Tammy Baldwin and Wisconsin!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I heard his new TV series got cancelled, so he should have the time…

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Colbert might have a new use for his super-PAC.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    DeMint's resigning because he hopes, as a South Carolinian, that he'll be called upon to lead the second attack against Fort Sumter.

  • SorosBot

    You know what the conservative movement could use in the battle of the ideas? New ideas, ones that haven't been overwhelmingly rejected by the American people, instead of the same old, same old "tax cuts for the wealthy, punish the women for being sluts with vaginas, the gays for liking the sodomy and the blacks and browns for not being white".

    • Lizzietish81

      Look, what part of "Conservatism can only be failed" are you people not getting?!

      • SorosBot

        Keep fuckin' that chicken, Republicans.

        • YouFail4eva

          Always a classic line

    • JustPixelz

      Shhh. They might be listening.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      SODOMY LIBEL! Sodomy can be enjoyed betwixt any set of genders.

      • SorosBot

        Yes, but the wingnuts don't seem to know that.

  • Not_So_Much

    Just take the money on the dresser and get the fuck out.

  • bobloblawlawblg

    Don't let DeDoor hitya where the good lord splitya *ducksflyingtomatoes*

    • Pat_Pending

      Oh hell, Randi Rhodes said that this afternoon…

    • Negropolis

      *ethnic whooping and hollering in the background from the studio audience*

  • rocktonsam

    "I'm no leaving the fight"

    Its just easier getting money this way!

  • Schmannnity

    Leaving two years into a six year term. Who does he think he is, Sarah Palin?

    • Lizzietish81

      He served a full term already, he's way ahead of her.

    • Oblios_Cap

      he needs to be given a 6-year term. In the pokey.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "It's a great day to flee South Carolina's legislature!"

  • savethispatient

    The Heritage Foundation must be really desperate for booze if it's opening the Creme DeMinth…

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Uncorking it even.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Liberal bloggers nationwide groaned at the “battle of ideas” metaphor, knowing that they would thereby be forced to invoke the “unarmed opponent” cliché.

    Well, as a lobbyist, he'll almost certainly be wealthy enough to buy a clue.

    (Not that he actually will…)

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Is that like buying a vowel?

      BTW, we'll be over on the Peninsula this weekend to catch a blues guitar act tomorrow at the Upstage in PT. Will you be around PA this weekend, maybe we can stop by?

  • freakishlywrong

    Hate to break it to you, Huckleberry, but the "conservative movement" needs a lot more than strong leadership in the battle of ideas; it needs ideas. Period.

  • MiniMencken

    The Heritage Foundation: Roach Motel for Congresscritters?

  • Eve8Apples

    The obvious choice for a replacement — SC's favorite son — Stephen Colbert.

    • Oblios_Cap

      DID I WIN THE LOTTO?

      Sounds like he won the PowerBall!

  • ThundercatHo

    In the Battle of Ideers another soldier quits the field.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Brave Sir DeMint ran away.
      Bravely ran away away.
      When danger reared it's ugly head,
      He bravely turned his tail and fled.
      Yes, brave Sir DeMint turned about
      And gallantly he chickened out.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    In a press release, DeMint stated he was leaving the Senate to spend more time with with Satan and all his little wizards.

  • fatbob54

    i hope he's replaced by this guy: http://www.fitsnews.com/2009/10/27/alleged-cemete

  • MiniMencken

    I hope Nikki Haley realizes this thing is fuckin' golden.

    • ProgressiveInga

      Blago libel!

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      and i hope her career takes the same path.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    DeMint also announced that he wanted to "spend more time with my wife, Linds– Debbie"

  • Wile E. Quixote

    So if "hiking the Appalachian trail" is South Carolina Republican code for "fucking around on your wife with some Argentinian broad" then what kind of perverse, wrong and deeply shameful sex acts and personal behavior could "resigning his seat in the Senate and taking a position at the Heritage Foundation" be a code for?

    • FNMA

      My guess is it involves chickens and meth.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        Are you sure? Someone told me that prayerfully considering a primary challenge to Saxby Chambliss was the code for "deeply shameful and wrong chicken-fucking meth binge."

      • chicken_thief

        But not chicken thieves. Just for the record….

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Does it involve a red meat.com situation?

  • MaxNeanderthal

    "needs strong leadership" -so let's fuck off to a place where we can just talk the talk, with no danger of ever having to walk the walk…

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Isn't "talking the talk without walking the walk" the core principle of conservatism?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    DeMint, who has recently bloviated about the need to teach creationism in schools, should fit right in at the Heritage Foundation.

    ♪ "If I can — *beat* — make-it there, then
    I'll make it — *beat*an-ywhere, it's up
    to you, Think Tank —
    'Think'…" *slaps knees, stifles guffaw* "…"Taaank'…" ♫ — Jimmy DeMint

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    "I'm sorry…did I say 'ideas'? I meant 'beers.' The battle of beers."

  • Oblios_Cap

    Good riddance to bad rubbish, as me old mum used to always say.

  • http://www.blogula-rasa.com GinnehRED57

    Stephen Colbert is waiting by the phone…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If Nikki Haley had any balls…

      • Negropolis

        …she'd be a dude.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I can't wait to see what kind of genius replacement the Punjabi guv'nor bestows upon us.

  • tracyhasfun

    He's trying to bring his minty flava with him…spice up the old HF. Plus, 9 times more money.

  • bikerlaureate

    But who will step up to put a personal hold on all that pending Senate legislation?

    • bobbert

      Mike Lee.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Deminty: I have to get me some of that sweet sweet RW Koch… money.

  • ThundercatHo

    Srsly, what a great Yuletide season this is shaping up to be. We get to keep Bams and Sen. DeMinted is leaving. In other good news, Thundercub got accepted into his first choice college, with a scholarship! Also, too, my Wonkette goodies arrived in perfect shape and the mugs and shirt are too fab. Did you all get your Bobama holiday greeting card yet? I was very excited when I got mine.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dok, I demand you take down that picture of my mother RIGHT THIS INSTANT.

    • Guppy

      … son?

  • Antispandex

    Of course the big news here is that Nikki Haley finally gets to do something!

    • Exhausted66

      Other than some blogger.

      • rickmaci

        ..or her campaign manager.

        • Negropolis

          WIN the both of you.

  • StillGoinGreen

    In other news:

    Scott Brown was heard screaming, "GET ME A ONE WAY SEAT TO SOUTH CACKALACKY!!!"

  • Blueb4sinrise

    BLAGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Eve8Apples

    Wasn't the Heritage Foundation responsible for the individual mandate to purchase health insurance which teabagger Republicans claim is communist?

    As part of the Heritage Foundation think tank, will teabagger DeMint continue to condemn the individual mandate which was dreamed-up by his new employer overlord?

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    My idea is bigger than yours.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It's cold! SHRINKAGE!

  • elviouslyqueer

    He also will be in line for a significant raise. DeMint is also not one of the richest members of Congress. On his 2011 financial disclosure report, DeMint only listed two assets, both IRAs, that are worth at least $1,000 each. He also received a book advance for his tome Now or Never last year of more than $43,000.

    But of course he's doing this because he wants to effect substantive policy change. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He keeps his wealth in a *koffkoff* "blind trust" as all Congresscritters are required to. I'm fairly sure he's as rich as Croesus

    • Wile E. Quixote

      That's pretty fucking weak for a "job creator".

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I am also seeking substantive policy changes because Mrs SL_UT spends my policies faster than I can make them.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      He'll get big bucks on speaking gigs, and unload all the remaindered books. Time for DeMint to start making some coin.

  • JustPixelz

    "…conservative movement needs strong leadership in the battle of ideas,"

    "movement"? They're pretty stuck in Dubya's world so not much movement goin' on.

    • MissNancyPriss

      I think he was referring to his bowels.

  • qwerty42

    Geeze, DeMint in a red, sequined dress is somewhat disturbing. Let's hope he takes the full tootsie look to Heritage anyway.

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      He only goes full Tootsie on his dinner dates with Hambiscuits.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        He goes half-Tootsie for quiet nights at home w/ a gallon of chardonnay.

  • Troglodeity

    DeMint added: "And in the spirit of patriotic sacrifice, I will help reduce our crushing national debt by voluntarily foregoing the lifetime pension and health benefits to which I am entitled as a former Congressman and Senator."

    Nah, just kidding.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    This is good news for John Edwards.

  • neiltheblaze

    For a second I thought this was another Onion story some Republican believed.

    Some guys go through an existential identity crisis and buy a red sports car.
    Others give up a sweet Senate gig in a state that elected Strom Thurmond seven times.

    This story has made my day. He'll be so much easier to ignore now.

  • el_donaldo

    Deep in his forest retreat, Alvin Greene casts his turtle bones on the floor, examines them, and consults his I Ching. He nods serenely. "Total change. By forgetting everything that I have done, I have ensured all I do will last eternity."

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      I ♥ Alvin Greene…

    • emmelemm

      The best part of this post was remembering the glory days of Alvin Greene.

    • HistoriCat

      Stuef – is that you?

  • Allmighty_Manos

    "At press time, the assumption is that Mr. DeMint is transitioning to the Heritage Foundation mostly for teh moneezas well as for the opportunity to pontificate without actually having to pass legislation."

    So he will get paid more money to pontificate without actually having to pass legislation.

  • RadioBitchFace

    Must be his Waterloo.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    In the marketplace of ideas, Republicans are marking down to close-out prices.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    OT: Super-Catholic Mexico's Supreme Court has paved the way for nationwide gay marriage:
    http://www.salon.com/2012/12/06/mexican_supreme_c

    Hordes of Gay Mexicans piercing our southern flank!! Every Republican's nightmare/fantasy!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Finish the dang Wall of Voodoo!

      I'm on a Mexican radio
      I'm on a Mexican ho-mo radio

    • Lizzietish81

      WE'RE SURROUNDED BY THE GAY!!!!!!!!

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      Trouble down South, indeed.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Buttplugs? Buttplugs? We don't need no steenkin' buttplugs!"

    • Negropolis

      Damnit! Beaten by progressive Mexico.

  • Slim_Pickins

    The Heritage Foundation job seemed tailor-made for someone of Louie Gohmert's intellect. What happened? Was a Senate ethics investigation about to be announced?

  • Mojopo

    Out of two possible thumbs up, I'm giving Tootsie DeMInt eleventeen! She gets bonus points for the stripper name!

  • Slim_Pickins

    When the going gets tough, the wimps get up and leave.

  • OneYieldRegular

    The Legislative Branch is on a roll. Yesterday they get rid of "lunatic;" today they get rid of "DeMint."

  • Lizzietish81
  • poorgradstudent

    DeMint translated: "Sorry jerks, but wingnut welfare means more to me than actually being in a position to help impose your backward-ass views."

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Now we can truthfully say that the Heritage Foundation is DeMinted.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Can he take Mitch McConnell with him?

  • oenspiek

    Nothing in his Senate career so becomes him as quitting it, like a Palin.

  • rickmaci

    "…knowing that they would thereby be forced to invoke the “unarmed opponent” cliché."

    Is it still a cliche if it is true?

  • DahBoner

    Why can`t kids today just GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY WITH STICKS….

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Rebootably_Joe

    Demint is leaving the Senate to spend more time scolding his family for insufficient right-wing ideological purity.

  • Tommy1733

    Yet another grifter-quitter joins the fold.

  • lochnessmonster

    Will we see him on CSPAN Washington Journal where we can yell at him via Twitter and FB or over the phone?

  • http://bln.gs/b/263rcw C_R_Eature
  • HistoriCat

    Filibuster reform is already paying off.

  • deliman4

    I've never heard of a senator leaving the senate without doing something perverted This story smells!!

  • cletar

    And as part of his new duties, he'll have to visit a lot of the Heritage Foundation regional offices, which, coincidentally, happen to be in Iowa and New Hampshire. Check, and mate, Santorum!

  • docterry6973

    I guess it is harder than I thought for a Senator to steal.

    You have to wonder why the Heritage Foundation is hiring this nouveau quitter when Lou Sarah is out there with plenty of swell ideas already.

  • jello_mold

    DeMint is crazy like a gohmert.

  • GoodDogThor

    Ideas… we're against 'em!

  • Negropolis

    It's always been about the money. Even for their true believers, it's about the money. Heritage is going to pay the guy a million bucks.

  • ttommyunger

    Well, at least this rips off the very last vestige of the Heritage Foundation's supposed "Non-Partisan" Status (if there was any left). DeMint won't add much new thought to this "Think Tank" which has done a lot more tanking than thinking here recently. This is good news all the way around.