I said good day sir...good day!

Jim DeMint Has Had Enough Of Your Stupid Senate

I know this is going to disgust you Michael, but a lot of people are in this business to make moneySouth Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint (R-R’lyeh) announced that he will resign his U.S. Senate seat in January to become president of the Heritage Foundation. Sen. DeMint, just two years into his second term, will be trading “public service” (i.e., shaping policy to funnel government resources to contributors) for a “position in the private sector” (i.e., lobbying to get policy shaped to funnel government resources to contributors).

“I’m leaving the Senate now, but I’m not leaving the fight. I’ve decided to join The Heritage Foundation at a time when the conservative movement needs strong leadership in the battle of ideas,” DeMint said in a statement.

Liberal bloggers nationwide groaned at the “battle of ideas” metaphor, knowing that they would thereby be forced to invoke the “unarmed opponent” cliché. Curse you, Jim DeMint!

DeMint’s replacement in the Senate will be appointed by South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, and will serve until a 2014 special election to serve out the remainder of the term. No word yet on whether Wonkette fave Alvin Greene is in the running for that appointment; we will assume that, since he has said nothing on the matter, he actually has said Everything on the matter, and will take DeMint’s seat in spirit, if not in material reality. (Say, how did Jack Stuef write that stuff, anyway?)

At press time, the assumption is that Mr. DeMint is transitioning to the Heritage Foundation mostly for teh moneez, as well as for the opportunity to pontificate without actually having to pass legislation. Reckless speculation about other possible motives would be irresponsible, but inevitable. Mr. DeMint, who has recently bloviated about the need to teach creationism in schools, because it is a science fact, should fit right in at the Heritage Foundation.

[The Hill]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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    1. chicken_thief

      What are you saying? That he had the buttseks with an intern and the pony he rode in on? I mean, I hadn't heard that, but it would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  1. Monsieur_Grumpe

    If I had known there was an opening for a loud mouth ignorant asshole at the Heritage Foundation I would have applied although I'm not nearly as qualified as DeMint.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      You and me both. Damnit. I'm tired of being an amateur loud-mouthed ignorant asshole at Wonkette. I want to go pro, join the big leagues and go to the Heritage Foundation and get paid for it.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        How much do you have to get paid to leave the senate of the most powerful country on the planet? Seriously, what's sweeter than sitting in the pot of 100 with filibuster powers you can run from a hot tub? Seriously, how do you get paid enough to leave a 3 day a week job with full benefits and bribery opportunities out the wazoo?

        1. Wile E. Quixote

          Seriously, what's sweeter than sitting in the pot of 100 with filibuster powers you can run from a hot tub?

          Remember though that you're sharing that hot tub with Lindsey Graham, Tom Coburn, Jim Imhofe, Mike Lee, Rand Paul, John McCain, Jon Kyl, Saxby Chambliss, Joe Lieberman, John Cornyn and Lamar Alexander, and that they all, every single one of them, forgot their swimsuits.

    2. Terry

      You've never tried to block education money for poor schools in South Carolina. You are a piker by comparison.

    1. freakishlywrong

      It's South Carolina. Miss Pittypat will continue to be the lesser embarrassment from the Palmetto state in the senate.

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      Plus who's going to fill his mighty big holes now that he's not going to be around hambiscuits all day long?

      1. drbill0620

        Or her ultimate fantasy – (the hole thang….)

        "I want the (w)hole thang," she's sayin, Miss Lindsey

    3. Lizzietish81

      They'll just put a vacuum cleaner next to a microphone to simulate the giant sucking sound of his presence.

    4. chicken_thief

      She could nominate that fucker that used to claim he fucked her, just to get him out of the state.

  2. bureaucrap

    Don't forget "I'm announcing my candidacy for the 2016 Presidential Nomination, because Rick Santorum is a liberal traitor" justification.

  3. ProgressiveInga

    "…as well as for the opportunity to pontificate without actually having to pass legislation."
    And this will be different for DeMint how?

  4. asterixaverni

    This means he'll be running for preznit in 2016.

    What other loads of crazy and useless can North Carolina stick us with in his place?

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Pfff — he's leaving now so he can get that sweet signing bonus before his taxes go up. Also probably renaming it the Hate Foundation, 'cause why be ashamed of it, right?

  6. SpiderCrab

    He's a closeted gay Mexican. His coming out party, while head of the Heritage Propaganda Mill, will mark a historic rebirth of the GOP.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    "I hung on to this job long enough to qualify for a pension and health benefits for life, now I'm going take another job where I can try to justify denying the maximum amount of people those very things!"

  8. Wile E. Quixote

    Jimmy DeMented is leaving because he's tired of being the bottom junior senator from South Carolina.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      She could appoint Andre Bauer. That way South Carolina would be the only state represented by two gay senators. Take that Tammy Baldwin and Wisconsin!

  9. SorosBot

    You know what the conservative movement could use in the battle of the ideas? New ideas, ones that haven't been overwhelmingly rejected by the American people, instead of the same old, same old "tax cuts for the wealthy, punish the women for being sluts with vaginas, the gays for liking the sodomy and the blacks and browns for not being white".

  10. savethispatient

    The Heritage Foundation must be really desperate for booze if it's opening the Creme DeMinth…

  11. Lascauxcaveman

    Liberal bloggers nationwide groaned at the “battle of ideas” metaphor, knowing that they would thereby be forced to invoke the “unarmed opponent” cliché.

    Well, as a lobbyist, he'll almost certainly be wealthy enough to buy a clue.

    (Not that he actually will…)

    1. weejee

      Is that like buying a vowel?

      BTW, we'll be over on the Peninsula this weekend to catch a blues guitar act tomorrow at the Upstage in PT. Will you be around PA this weekend, maybe we can stop by?

  12. freakishlywrong

    Hate to break it to you, Huckleberry, but the "conservative movement" needs a lot more than strong leadership in the battle of ideas; it needs ideas. Period.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Brave Sir DeMint ran away.
      Bravely ran away away.
      When danger reared it's ugly head,
      He bravely turned his tail and fled.
      Yes, brave Sir DeMint turned about
      And gallantly he chickened out.

  13. Wile E. Quixote

    So if "hiking the Appalachian trail" is South Carolina Republican code for "fucking around on your wife with some Argentinian broad" then what kind of perverse, wrong and deeply shameful sex acts and personal behavior could "resigning his seat in the Senate and taking a position at the Heritage Foundation" be a code for?

  14. MaxNeanderthal

    "needs strong leadership" -so let's fuck off to a place where we can just talk the talk, with no danger of ever having to walk the walk…

  15. Mumbletypeg

    DeMint, who has recently bloviated about the need to teach creationism in schools, should fit right in at the Heritage Foundation.

    ♪ "If I can — *beat* — make-it there, then
    I'll make it — *beat*an-ywhere, it's up
    to you, Think Tank —
    'Think'…" *slaps knees, stifles guffaw* "…"Taaank'…" ♫ — Jimmy DeMint

  16. tracyhasfun

    He's trying to bring his minty flava with him…spice up the old HF. Plus, 9 times more money.

  17. ThundercatHo

    Srsly, what a great Yuletide season this is shaping up to be. We get to keep Bams and Sen. DeMinted is leaving. In other good news, Thundercub got accepted into his first choice college, with a scholarship! Also, too, my Wonkette goodies arrived in perfect shape and the mugs and shirt are too fab. Did you all get your Bobama holiday greeting card yet? I was very excited when I got mine.

  18. StillGoinGreen

    In other news:

    Scott Brown was heard screaming, "GET ME A ONE WAY SEAT TO SOUTH CACKALACKY!!!"

  19. Eve8Apples

    Wasn't the Heritage Foundation responsible for the individual mandate to purchase health insurance which teabagger Republicans claim is communist?

    As part of the Heritage Foundation think tank, will teabagger DeMint continue to condemn the individual mandate which was dreamed-up by his new employer overlord?

  20. elviouslyqueer

    He also will be in line for a significant raise. DeMint is also not one of the richest members of Congress. On his 2011 financial disclosure report, DeMint only listed two assets, both IRAs, that are worth at least $1,000 each. He also received a book advance for his tome Now or Never last year of more than $43,000.

    But of course he's doing this because he wants to effect substantive policy change. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I am also seeking substantive policy changes because Mrs SL_UT spends my policies faster than I can make them.

    2. GeorgiaBurning

      He'll get big bucks on speaking gigs, and unload all the remaindered books. Time for DeMint to start making some coin.

  21. JustPixelz

    "…conservative movement needs strong leadership in the battle of ideas,"

    "movement"? They're pretty stuck in Dubya's world so not much movement goin' on.

  22. qwerty42

    Geeze, DeMint in a red, sequined dress is somewhat disturbing. Let's hope he takes the full tootsie look to Heritage anyway.

  23. Troglodeity

    DeMint added: "And in the spirit of patriotic sacrifice, I will help reduce our crushing national debt by voluntarily foregoing the lifetime pension and health benefits to which I am entitled as a former Congressman and Senator."

    Nah, just kidding.

  24. neiltheblaze

    For a second I thought this was another Onion story some Republican believed.

    Some guys go through an existential identity crisis and buy a red sports car.
    Others give up a sweet Senate gig in a state that elected Strom Thurmond seven times.

    This story has made my day. He'll be so much easier to ignore now.

  25. el_donaldo

    Deep in his forest retreat, Alvin Greene casts his turtle bones on the floor, examines them, and consults his I Ching. He nods serenely. "Total change. By forgetting everything that I have done, I have ensured all I do will last eternity."

  26. Allmighty_Manos

    "At press time, the assumption is that Mr. DeMint is transitioning to the Heritage Foundation mostly for teh moneezas well as for the opportunity to pontificate without actually having to pass legislation."

    So he will get paid more money to pontificate without actually having to pass legislation.

  27. Slim_Pickins

    The Heritage Foundation job seemed tailor-made for someone of Louie Gohmert's intellect. What happened? Was a Senate ethics investigation about to be announced?

  28. Mojopo

    Out of two possible thumbs up, I'm giving Tootsie DeMInt eleventeen! She gets bonus points for the stripper name!

  29. OneYieldRegular

    The Legislative Branch is on a roll. Yesterday they get rid of "lunatic;" today they get rid of "DeMint."

  30. poorgradstudent

    DeMint translated: "Sorry jerks, but wingnut welfare means more to me than actually being in a position to help impose your backward-ass views."

  31. rickmaci

    "…knowing that they would thereby be forced to invoke the “unarmed opponent” cliché."

    Is it still a cliche if it is true?

  32. lochnessmonster

    Will we see him on CSPAN Washington Journal where we can yell at him via Twitter and FB or over the phone?

  33. deliman4

    I've never heard of a senator leaving the senate without doing something perverted This story smells!!

  34. cletar

    And as part of his new duties, he'll have to visit a lot of the Heritage Foundation regional offices, which, coincidentally, happen to be in Iowa and New Hampshire. Check, and mate, Santorum!

  35. docterry6973

    I guess it is harder than I thought for a Senator to steal.

    You have to wonder why the Heritage Foundation is hiring this nouveau quitter when Lou Sarah is out there with plenty of swell ideas already.

  36. Negropolis

    It's always been about the money. Even for their true believers, it's about the money. Heritage is going to pay the guy a million bucks.

  37. ttommyunger

    Well, at least this rips off the very last vestige of the Heritage Foundation's supposed "Non-Partisan" Status (if there was any left). DeMint won't add much new thought to this "Think Tank" which has done a lot more tanking than thinking here recently. This is good news all the way around.

Comments are closed.