how come the devil gets all the good companies

Anti-Gay Groups Declare Victory In War On Starbucks

for god so loved the world he gave his one and only son the devil's coffeeIf you’re anything like us, and we know you are (yeah, we tried to make that sound better too, but there’s no help for it thanks to the royal “we”), you’ve been wondering how you can best hoard your hard-earned dollars to ensure that companies are punished for liking, or even just tolerating, teh ghey. You have to hate General Mills and give up delicious Cheerios and instead eat those weird Cheerio knockoffs that come in a bag. You can’t use the Google and instead have to use Bing just like the olds do. You have to stop using T-Mobile…OK, that’s actually not so bad. Make sure to reserve your super-duper-wuper-extra hate for JC Penney, though, as they hired AN ACTUAL LESBIAN to do some things:

In an email to subscribers, One Million Moms states, “Since April, JC Penney’s has not aired Ellen DeGeneres in one of their commercials until now. A new JCP ad features Ellen and three elves. JCP has made their choice to offend a huge majority of their customers again. Christians must now vote with their wallets. We have contacted JC Penney’s several times in the past with our concerns, and they will not listen. They have decided to ignore our complaints so we will avoid them at all costs.”

“Vote with your wallets, Christians” is somewhere in First Colossians or the Gospel of Matthew we think. Whatever. You’ll be totes rewarded in heaven for voting with your wallets, people. See? You got your serious hate on by boycotting Starbucks, and after all that hard work, you were rewarded with Starbucks opening a metric fuckton of new stores:

In July, Jonathan Baker, director of the Corporate Fairness Project for NOM claimed their “Dump Starbucks” campaign was partly responsible for a $1.4 billion drop in Starbucks’ stock market value.

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We analyzed the data to explain why Baker was so wrong.

And now, today, The New York Times reports, “the world’s biggest coffee company [is] planning to add at least 1,500 cafes in the U.S. over the next five years.”

Oh well. Nothing wrong with declaring victory and going home, whether you’ve just boycotted Starbucks into a yoooge expansion, or boycotted “JCP” into keeping Ellen Degeneres as its spokesbian.

(Also, NOM, you are probably going to have to boycott Mexico too, but we are guessing that will not be that much of a sacrifice for you because we are guessing you’re probably racist too.)

Sometimes the devil tests us. Sometimes the devil makes us have to drink Nescafe, but we do it for the Lord.

[Wisconsin Gazette/The New Civil Rights Movement]

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216 comments

    1. WIDTAP

      Hmm. You are probably into that whole Panera Bread hazelnut coffee thing.

      Tell me this: When did you first join al Qaeda? When did you first feel disdain for our precious bodily fluids? And by precious bodily fluids I mean a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.

      1. actor212

        What I could never understand about crap like hazelnut coffee and shit like that is, why would you ruin a perfectly good cup of coffee by making it weaker?

        See, I drink coffee for fuel. Not taste, fuel. If I could, I'd mainline the shit into my arteries. Anything less than French roast is like dipping a brown crayon in hot water as far as I am concerned.

        1. DCBloom

          When I lived in New Orleans I became addicted to Community coffee. So black, your teeth turn brown after one cup. You would love it.

    1. noodlesalad

      Who wouldn't he boycott? He was a freaking communist who didn't believe in material possessions, which is why he's still cool in my book.

      - When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." Luke 18:22

      1. Swampgas_Man

        But wait! The Chick-Filler people proved boycotts are ANTI-Christian, because Bible. So eating at Chik-Fool-A was just one more cross He has to bear.

    2. glesslib

      Cardinal Tim Dolan, NYC. I know that if I were Jesus and I had some jerk like this claiming to be my spokesman, I'd be organizing a boycott with an expiraton date of never.

      1. Lizzietish81

        I would consider converting back to Christianity if Jesus himself came down and smacked that smug son of a bitch upside the head.

  1. glasspusher

    As far as I can tell, I've been inadvertently boycotting almost every one of these places a boycott has been started against…I had no idea what a trend setter I was.

    Does this mean I have to go to Starbucks because I support teh gheyz? A small price to pay.

    1. BadKitty904

      My family and friends prefer that I don't drink coffee, but Starbux DOES have some mighty tasty lemon cake! So there's that…

      1. glasspusher

        Yeah, seems like you and I are in the same boat, kitty.I tell people that they really, really wouldn't want to see me on coffee, but when I did work within walking distance of a Starbucks I would occasionally pick up a piece of coffee cake.A friend of mine said that caffeine would act as a depressant on me.

    2. PugglesRule

      And you have to buy your clothes and shoes at JCPenney. I bought my winter boots there a few weeks ago. I could just feel Ellen smiling at me.

  2. Oblios_Cap

    And now, today, The New York Times reports, “the world’s biggest coffee company [is] planning to add at least 1,500 cafes in the U.S. over the next five years.”

    All that coffee should really help our economy rebound according to the "Trickle Down" theories that I've heard.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Hey gay haters. You know which coffee most of your fellow gay haters love the most? Sanka. And Sanka hates gays. Give that buy-cott hell.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Weren't these NOM guys off in Spain yesterday? I wonder how they liked them little teeny tiny coffee cups they have over there.

    1. glasspusher

      It's not quantity, it quality. Fuck, when I was in Turkey, I found the tea was the same way. You could cut it with scissors! One cup of that and goodbye, jet lag!

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I'm weird about coffee. I rarely drink it here in the states, but feel some kind of obligation to drink espresso when I'm in Italy, and cup o'mud whenever I am in Turkey.

      2. Serolf_Divad

        It's not a real espresso if the spoon sinks all the way to the bottom when you accidentally let go while stirring.

        1. glasspusher

          I think it's also real if the spoon dissolves within a few seconds.Kind of like a good milkshake. The straw will rebound when pushed in.

  5. outragedcitizen

    Damn, I don't spend money at Starbucks now, never have. Not because I have anything against the Geyz, (I don't), but because the idea of turning a cup of coffee into a hot milk shake makes me want to vomit.

    1. glasspusher

      Rilly- and a majority of Americans voted for Dems in the house of representatives. Those gerrymanders are the right's last firewall.

  6. Wile E. Quixote

    Newsflash: Corporate America realizes that right-wing dipshits have no disposable income because they keep sending it to NOM or buying overpriced coins from Goldline, says "eat shit and die Fundies!". Film at 11.

    1. BadKitty904

      Disney has hosted the annual "Gay Day" Event* (one of the largest gay events on earth) down here at Disney World for years…and it's been boycotted and picketed by Wingnuts for years. Yet Disney seems to keep posting enormous profits each year.

      Could be because Disney management is more focused on business and their stockholder's profits than on kowtowing to someone's arbitrary moral agenda.

      *Seriously, it's one of the funniest things I've ever been to…

      1. Lizzietish81

        Fun story about that.

        A few years ago a friend of mine was at Gay Days, and at the same time there was some religious group there. Not to protest, they were there as part of a package trip and it was just a coincidence and there was no trouble between the two groups.

        So he and his friends get on one of the rollercoasters and the Religious Group is there too, and my friend happens to get one next to him. The Religious Guys still on the platform start praying loudly for a safe trip and my friend chuckles. His seatmate asks him if he doesn't think prayer was a good idea, he's like depends, are you praying for a safe trip or because you happened to sit next to "a flaming fag whose also a witch"

        And then the bars came down.

        1. BadKitty904

          lol As I said, Gay Day is funny as dammit. When I was there, we'd bought – and were wearing – red Gay-Day t-shirts, as is the tradition. We had two (very nice) straight families ask us if we'd pose for photos with them – I guess so they could show the folks back home in Hooterville or where ever…

  7. CrunchyKnee

    I hate the haters, but I hate Starbucks. I guess I'll just have to buy some extra nerd fashion slacks at the JCP this week.

    1. actor212

      Their hot cider is actually pretty good, and you don't have to worry about it being really bitter and shitty and handed to you burning hot by some hipster whose fingertips are numb from smoking American Indian cigarettes.

      1. PubOption

        Those things! I work with someone who smokes them. Although he has to go outside to smoke, when he comes back in I can smell him from at least 8 feet away.

      2. Lizzietish81

        The iced Green Tea is good (unsweetened)

        So good I am willling to wait with the hipsters waiting for their triple caffeinated diet mochiatto soil cafes with real worm shit and only kill one or two of them.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Unfortunately, he's not resigning, and he's still got 4 years left in office, so this is kinda like NOM's hollow victory over Starbucks.

      Edit: Spoke too soon. Buh-bye Asshole!!

      1. gullywompr

        Radio said he'll leave before the next Congress is seated, and Nikki Haley will appoint a replacement.

    2. glasspusher

      To run the Heritage Foundation. Why live in the present when you can embrace trying to perpetuate the past?

  8. actor212

    The drop in Starbucks was probably more due to people suddenly realizing that $4 for a cup of coffee could feed an entire family for a day on food stamps.

    1. James Michael Curley

      The VA has optioned out coffee bars to Starbucks. At many of their facilities. Another element from the Bush Administration we can (sarcastically) be thankful for.

      Facing a long rush hour drive home after my last visit to the hospital I gave in and ordered a 'regular'. Even with showing my disabled veteran card the tiny 9 oz cup was $2.30.

      In downtown Jersey City, everyday I see people sucking on Starbucks El Grande Mocha Choco Minto with a cream froth, or whatever its called, and think, "That's $5.50 a pop and I know a disabled single mother who has to feed herself and two kids for a whole day on $4.25."

      Rich people suck.

      1. actor212

        I have to laugh a little every morning. There's a coffee vendor whose stand is just outside a Starbucks with the plate glass window.

        Every so often, I throw him some business because, you know, small businessman, plus he's Muslim. I can have free coffee in my office and it's actually not bad, but that's just me. So I buy my 16 oz coffee and my blueberry muffin, turn around and point at the lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng line in Starbucks and laugh.

        How badly are these assholes snookered by Big Coffee?

        This badly

        1. James Michael Curley

          The coffee in my office sucks. ‘Clean the damn pot people!’So I go to one of those little trailer stands and get my everything bagel with cream cheese. I don’t know his nationality but I had to teach him what a ‘schmear’ is so I hope he’s not Muslim and a refugee from the West Bank.

  9. SexySmurf

    “the world’s biggest coffee company [is] planning to add at least 1,500 cafes in the U.S. over the next five years.”

    Two things: First, they're using the word "cafe" very loosely. Second, you know what we call 1500 Starbucks in Seattle? Three city blocks.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Don't worry there's plenty of room left for expansion. Word on the street is that Starbucks has inked a deal with Starbucks to open new Starbucks kiosk locations inside their existing cafes. Now you'll be able to enjoy a deliciuos Startbucks (kiosk) beverage while savoring the beverage you ordered at Starbucks cafe.

  10. Terry

    JC Penney's has made a fairly substantial turnabout. I remember not shopping there in the 80's because the stuff was crappy, then in the 90's because the stuff was crappy AND the owner(s) were donating majorly to conservative causes. Now, they've actually started carrying decent stuff and are owned/run by a board who isn't out to hate people openly. I tried to walk in the store the other day, but found that there is still a line across the entrance like one of those invisible dog fences that I have trouble crossing. I did manage to walk in and look around.

      1. Terry

        I was happily surprised. I hadn't been in one in years and I can't even remember what the boycott thing from the 90's was. I'll blame old age for that.

        1. smokefilledroommate

          In the 80's I had to get clothes for some middle school function and my stepmom told me she'd take me to Penney's. We argued for what seemed like forever and I remember being on the verge of tears (!) because I didn't want clothing from Penney's–shopping there was like a step up from KMart; a lot of shitty knockoffs. (We went to Penney's and I looked fine). Thinking back it makes me laugh at how trivial stuff seems so monumental when you're young. (Also, I say to myself–what a spoiled brat! Think if your family couldn't even afford clothes!)

          1. Lizzietish81

            I got all my clothes from my Grandmother, who would buy clothes at super discount prices, put them in a garbage bag and give them to us.

            If it fit, we got them. If we didn't like them, tough shit.

          2. Terry

            Back in those years, most of us spoke with lots of implied capital letters.

            MOTHER, you are Ruining My Life!

          3. finallyhappy

            yeah, me too- I felt young when a woman in my exercise class told me she finished college in 1953- the year I was born.

      1. Lizzietish81

        Target dropped their anti gay pandering when Lady Gaga held them hostage.

        Because she's cool.

        Now they have pride tee shirts.

        1. Terry

          Target learned a hard lesson. Certainly, they're free to donate to whomever they like….BUT…their customers are free to disagree with them loudly and take their business elsewhere.

        2. BadKitty904

          Truly??? I didn't see that on my last issue of the Gay Agenda.

          I'm glad to hear it, tho – Target is way handier for us than Penny's.

      2. LIT_Fag

        First, pics or GTFO!
        And B, my partner works at Target and they have domestic partner benefits, including a Target employee discount card for the "spouse".

        1. BadKitty904

          LOL I doubt the editors would be real keen on that idea…and I'm pretty sure my bf wouldn't.

          I *am* happy, tho, to hear what you say about Target coming to their senses. Boycotting them has been kinda inconvenient (if necessary), as there's one right across the river from us..

          1. LIT_Fag

            I will just have to use my imagination then. Oh yeah, I like it, that's it, shake it baby, oh yeah.
            Fap fap fap….

    1. finallyhappy

      Hey, I'm pretty sure VIctoria's Secret had a Christmas special with super skinny models with breast implants being angels. I saw the commercial and told my husband to DVR it and not watch it when I was in the room(since the models frequently look underage and too plasticized to me)

  11. ProgressiveInga

    On this one, specific issue but for vastly different reasons, I concur with NOM:
    ★Fourbucks Sucks ★

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I can just see Charles Nelson Reilly or Paul Lynde on a 30 minute infomercial some fine Saturday afternoon, pushing Rascals. Well, except I think they're both dead.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    We have contacted JC Penney’s several times in the past with our concerns, and they will not listen. They have decided to ignore our complaints so we will avoid them at all costs.

    And JC Penney would be really worried about this — if they sold gingham dresses, whalebone corsets, washboards or butter churns.

      1. Lizzietish81

        Actually I can see the people in the PR department playing these messages on speakerphone for the rest of the office while they crack up.

        I mean that's what we did when I worked in a Personal Ads dept.

        1. SayItWithWookies

          Back when snail mail was the usual way of communicating, one of my employers had a folder in their filing cabinet (ask your parents, kids) called simply "Interesting" that was always good for a few minutes' perusal. The KKK flyers were a little creepy but there some good crazy rants in there too.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    Seattle Trembles!!!

    I'm sure that most of the boycotters never bought any coffee fancier than what you can get down at the Valero or 7-11.

  14. gullywompr

    Cause marketing is cool I guess, but I'd rather companies focus on the quality of their product. I ain't gonna go to JC Penny's just because they pander to my political beliefs.

    1. gullywompr

      On the other hand, I don't mind getting a coffee at Starbucks on occassion. The quality is better than 7-11, but really I do it because anthropology majors need jobs too, my friend.

  15. Mojopo

    Gay Hate is so yesterday. Gay hate reminds us of the girl from school, who is nearly 50 and has the same hair-do as she did in '83. Gay hate has been done, and never well. What are you going to do with that old gay hate, people? It doesn't keep time, it sounds awful and it has no idea how to use a cell phone. It's never coming back. Throw it away.

  16. Exhausted66

    I'd boycott NOM, but that seems like a thing the the son of a well connected Republican would do.
    Am I right George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Mitt Romney?

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      I once purchased one of those little booklets that traces who owns all the brands at the grocery store. Turns out everything is owned by Philip Morris or ADM so you basically can't shop. So I basically stopped shopping (true story, but then I have time to cook)

  17. editor

    "A new JCP ad features Ellen and three elves. JCP has made their choice to offend a huge majority of their customers again."

    agreed. elves are pond scum.

    1. actor212

      Boy howdy! I heard from a friend who works at the North Pole who told me the elves do nothing all day, haven't since they unionized and made the trolls do all the toy-building.

      They sit around all day, drinking Starbucks and making the same "Elvish has left the building" joke at quitting time…

    1. SuspectedDemocrat

      Wow. The fact that I get this reference makes me think I wasted a lot of my life watching TV in the 80s.

  18. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Gays all over Washington State started getting marriage licenses last night. Hopefully the wingnuts will boycot us as well.

    1. BadKitty904

      Good deal, BSFD! Congrats to the homos of WA State on finally being able to exercise the same rights as every other US citizen.

      Now maybe now those wingnuts will move to the Citadel, in Idaho…

    2. Pithaughn

      Hi Dog,
      We vacationed in Friday harbour this past summer and spent a night in Seattle. What a treat not to encounter hate inspired symbols and bumper stickers every minute like we endure here in Colorado. Now that pot is legal I expect Colorado will continue it's drift to the blue end of the spectrum as well. The native olds are dying off and the the new olds are a lot less red.

      1. James Michael Curley

        How does the political/tolerance spectrum match the old Native/nonNative Colorado wierdnes?

      2. DCBloom

        My sister-in-law lives in Boulder and it's bluer than blue where she is….a sea of dready white kids. I give it a couple more elections for it to become solidly in our column.

        1. Pithaughn

          Agree, although if you get to know some of the government workers for some reason they tend to be fairly conservative.�

          1. DCBloom

            YES! Hubby worked for the Wildlife commission and there were a bunch of those "rugged individual" types.. Weird, you try to explain that the gov't waste they are worried about is their JOB.

  19. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    How does the sexual orentation of the spokesperson for a second rate department store have any affect on anyones life, ever? If this sort of thing has an affect on you, I would suggest that you need to get a life of your own. Also, Ellen has been doing commercials for other companies for years. Why is it just JCP that the wingnuts are upset about?

  20. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    I've been boycotting Starbucks for years because I'm against acquiring gut-rot after drinking their beverages.

  21. poorgradstudent

    Do they even realize they're just helping all those liberal hippie independent coffee store owners out there?

  22. lulzmonger

    I assume they're also boycotting Canada, where the ghey have been marrying for years.

    Man, it would sure suck epic levels of ass to watch the rest of the world grow up & get a ticket on the Reality Train while you carry on your Holy Jihad O' Purity against something that ever-fewer people even give a shit about any more … Seattle's Best & BLENZ have responded by hiring Ricky Martin & K.D. Lang as spokespersons, to no avail.

  23. Troglodeity

    Not only did Penney's hire a known lesbian, but it's a well-known secret that "JC" stands for "Just Cunnilingus."

  24. Secret_Pumpkin

    I read this while drinking and eating Starbucks items for lunch.

    My daughter ate Cheerios for breakfast and is wearing JC Penney brand baby socks today.

    Suck it, wingnuts.

    1. Lizzietish81

      During my sister's high school production of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat, the director would get increasingly frustrated at the cast's tendency to laugh when it was declared that Jacob and his sons "spent all their days in the field, with sheep"

  25. fuflans

    A new JCP ad features Ellen and three elves. JCP has made their choice to offend a huge majority of their customers again.

    hahahahhahaha wingnut! it's not about you!!

    jackass.

    1. starfanglednut

      You got it. That's the really funny part. They think absolutely everything is about them. Any time anyone, anywhere, is nice or at least not evil to a gay person, it is a personal insult directed at them. Because everyone is thinking about them, all the time.

  26. ttommyunger

    Starbucks: overrated, predictably unremarkable and unimpressive; and those are just the customers.

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