Anti-Gay Groups Declare Victory In War On Starbucks

If you're anything like us, and we know you are (yeah, we tried to make that sound better too, but there's no help for it thanks to the royal "we"), you've been wondering how you can best hoard your hard-earned dollars to ensure that companies are punished for liking, or even just tolerating, teh ghey. You have to hate General Mills and give up delicious Cheerios and instead eat those weird Cheerio knockoffs that come in a bag. You can't use the Google and instead have to use Bing just like the olds do. You have to stop using T-Mobile ...OK, that's actually not so bad. Make sure to reserve your super-duper-wuper-extra hate for JC Penney, though, as they hired AN ACTUAL LESBIAN to do some things:  

In an email to subscribers, One Million Moms states, “Since April, JC Penney's has not aired Ellen DeGeneres in one of their commercials until now. A new JCP ad features Ellen and three elves. JCP has made their choice to offend a huge majority of their customers again. Christians must now vote with their wallets. We have contacted JC Penney's several times in the past with our concerns, and they will not listen. They have decided to ignore our complaints so we will avoid them at all costs.”

"Vote with your wallets, Christians" is somewhere in First Colossians or the Gospel of Matthew we think. Whatever. You'll be totes rewarded in heaven for voting with your wallets, people. See? You got your serious hate on by boycotting Starbucks, and after all that hard work, you were rewarded with Starbucks opening a metric fuckton of new stores:  

In July, Jonathan Baker , director of the Corporate Fairness Project for NOM claimed their “Dump Starbucks” campaign was partly responsible for a $1.4 billion drop in Starbucks’ stock market value.

We analyzed the data to explain why Baker was so wrong.

And now, today,  The New York Times  reports, “the world’s biggest coffee company [is] planning to add at least 1,500 cafes in the U.S. over the next five years.”

Oh well. Nothing wrong with declaring victory and going home, whether you've just boycotted Starbucks into a yoooge expansion, or boycotted "JCP" into keeping Ellen Degeneres as its spokesbian.

(Also, NOM, you are probably going to have to boycott Mexico too, but we are guessing that will not be that much of a sacrifice for you because we are guessing you're probably racist too.)

Sometimes the devil tests us. Sometimes the devil makes us have to drink Nescafe, but we do it for the Lord.

[ Wisconsin Gazette / The New Civil Rights Movement ]