DEPARTMENT OF TOBASCORRECTION  1:45 pm December 5, 2012

North Carolina Prison Warden Discovers ‘Hot Sauce On The Balls’ Not Legitimate Penal Policy

by Rich Abdill

pew pew!So sometimes, when you can’t sleep, you watch Lockup on MSNBC at 3 a.m., and you think, “Wow, those guards deal with so much, it’s so good that they are so upstanding and not like the evil ones in movies and such.” But sometimes… they are. Not on television, of course, but, surprisingly, down in North Carolina, where everything is usually so peaceful and just. A prison warden has been suspended while the state investigates accusations that guards forced inmates to, among other things, rub hot sauce on their private parts, just for giggles. Because hey, What good is being entrusted with the livelihoods of a few hundred caged convicts if you aren’t allowed to season their bumholes with burny liquids?

What’s the story, Salon?

Six inmates from the Sampson Correctional Institution sent a hand-written letter to a U.S. District Court in July reporting that guards had made them perform painful and abusive acts. The men said they were told to ingest large spoonfuls of “exotic hot sauce” and to “pull their pants down so the officers can watch them rub hot sauce on their rectums and testicles which [left] them blistered and raw for days.”

Grosssss, you guys. Wait, there’s more?

Other allegations include that the men were forced to strip and simulate sex with each other. They also report being made to grab and kiss wild snakes while working on a road crew and throw captured bunnies in to oncoming traffic.

We bolded that last part, so you would notice we were talking about people being made to throw captured bunnies in to oncoming traffic. It’s the state’s fault, really — if they would just privatize their prisons like everybody else, they could just blame a corporation for egregious abuses, like good Americans do.

The suspended warden’s name is Lafayette Hall, and, though he does not appear to be related to buildings at NYU, George Washington University, or Virginia Commonwealth University, we should have guessed he would turn bad, from having a name that could have been every bad guy’s name in every Steinbeck novel ever.

It is still unclear whether the prison system was acting on internal complaints from the inmates, or if they only bothered cracking down on the spicy testicle treatment because the inmates wrote a letter to the courts. In any case, if you see a chain gang throwing rabbits into traffic, you should probably write a letter too. [Salon]

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{ 234 comments }

asterixaverni November 29, 2012 at 9:08 am

Ah, NYS politics. I love those guys… they make the morons in CT look good.

sullivanst November 29, 2012 at 1:59 pm

The truly scary thing? The steering committee had worse options available.

viennawoods13 December 5, 2012 at 6:15 pm

I always preferred Retief.

HistoriCat December 5, 2012 at 10:32 pm

So many nerds on Wonkette!

Wile E. Quixote December 5, 2012 at 8:07 pm

My second favorite Laumer novel, the first being Worlds of the Imperium.

bobbert December 5, 2012 at 9:21 pm

I kinda liked Galactic Odyssey, but really, Laumer was awfully good at the snark.

BTW, I looked at his wiki page, and never knew the guy looked a little like Nic Cage

HistoriCat December 5, 2012 at 10:33 pm

I might still have my paperback copy of that one. Somewhere …

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 5, 2012 at 1:45 pm

PENAL!

Biff December 5, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Yay for Dickcember!

SorosBot December 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm

RENAL!

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

ANAL!

What? I panicked.

bobbert December 5, 2012 at 8:57 pm

BANAL!

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 5, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Next time they should use pepper spray. It is also a food product.

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Hot Sauce on the Balls happens after sex around my place.

PubOption December 5, 2012 at 2:26 pm

If used around the anus, certain circumstances could lead to a blowback.

Barbara_ December 5, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I'm surprised they don't stuff their rectums with celery stalks and bleu cheese dressing too. Jesus!

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm

The lesser known buttalo style.

Sorry Barb, I don't know what's wrong with me today.

Barbara_ December 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

That was good! i liked it.

Chet Kincaid_ December 5, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I thought North Carolina was all about the vinegar sauces.

Maman December 5, 2012 at 2:27 pm

CHICKEN WING LIBEL!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 5, 2012 at 2:29 pm

That is not how you do it?

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 5, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Use cream cheese. Seattle style!

smokefilledroommate December 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

What's their capsaicin policy?

NDeeeZ December 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Apparently it's OK to "bust a capsaicin in yo ass!"

Hera Sent Me December 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm

They should file a writ of habanero corpus. In fact, they should pepper the court with writs.

DerrickWildcat December 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

No, don't do it.

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

You file those in the jalapenal justice, right?

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Ah Cholula!

Major Thom December 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Bless you.

LibrarianX December 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Gives new meaning to Shweddy Balls.

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Tis the seasoned.

mavenmaven December 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Watch, no one will care that he was torturing people, but BUNNIES?!?! HE MUST BE DEPRAVED. If it were kittens or puppies he'd have already been locked up.

TheGyrus December 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

You know who else put hot sauce on people balls?

SorosBot November 29, 2012 at 9:26 am

Andrew Cuomo is working very hard at becoming the Democratic Party's new Joe Lieberman.

smokefilledroommate December 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Dahmer?

SexySmurf December 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Mr. T?

Major Thom December 5, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Chef Boy-Ar-Dee?

Mittaplasia December 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Hannibal Lecter?

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Fraternity bros?

delaney_blom December 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Guy Fieri?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm

That implies that something around Guy has flavor.

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Me, last Friday?

SuspectedDemocrat December 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Tim Lincecum?

kittensdontlie December 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Ann Coulter?

69WideStance December 5, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Bob Ross?

ProgressiveInga December 5, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Texas Pete?

gurukalehuru December 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Those dag burned McIlhenny boys.

GregComlish December 5, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Hey, are you deliberately referring the founding family of Tabasco Corporation? Because that's going to over almost everyone's head.

Jus_Wonderin December 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Pete Schweddy?

Dashboard Buddha December 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Give me a hint…at what price point?

Not_So_Much December 5, 2012 at 4:50 pm

DOCTOR Marcus Bachmann? Because of, um, making The Ghey go away?

mayor_quimby December 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Idi Amin?

GregComlish December 5, 2012 at 5:29 pm

The apocryphal Mexican of that racist joke: "Me-no-magic, Me-no-trick, Me put hot sauce on my dick" ??

Negropolis December 6, 2012 at 1:46 am

Honestly? No; no, I don't.

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Well, if they used that Taco Bell "Fire" sauce, no harm no foul.

Kid_Charlemagne December 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I once accidentally squirted a stream of that stuff into my eye while struggling to open one of those damn pouches during a drunk food binge. It seemed plenty hot at the time.

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I've never done that, but I can imagine that the acids in the sauce would make that a painful experience, even if it were the Mild variety.

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Is that like donkey sauce?

James Michael Curley December 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Thatsa one spicy meat ball!

ManchuCandidate December 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

That's an unfortunately spicy meatball.

Callyson December 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

What the fuck?

starfanglednut December 5, 2012 at 4:38 pm

FFS, also too.

Kid_Charlemagne December 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Talk about schweddy balls.

Kid_Charlemagne December 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

It appears I have been beaten to the punch.

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Gotta step lively 'round here.

Jus_Wonderin December 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I was very late. Maybe I should delete it.

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

What we have here is failure to communicate.

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Thems eggs, boy.

smokefilledroommate December 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Great balls of fire, indeed.

smellypossum December 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Where's the fun in being a prison warden if you can't force convicts to perform homoerotic sadomasochistic acts on one another???

Damn, there go my career aspirations.

Shypixel December 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Were any of the victims attractive white girls?

No?

This story is a non-starter in the national media.

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

The bunnies may have been white.

Antispandex December 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Well, I don't know….were any of the GUARDS attractive white girls? That seems to get the public's attention too.

SuspectedDemocrat December 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm

In the movie version they are.

sullivanst December 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Balls, so, probably not, maybe depending to a small extent on the answer to Trix's question.

Redgyal December 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Librul bias, duh.

Antispandex December 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Don't do the crime if you can't do the hot sauce on the balls is, I believe the generally accepted prison policy in these United States. Pico Pica? Might as well use the best. (I know, you thought I would go for the obvious "Franks Red Hot" there).

viennawoods13 December 5, 2012 at 6:04 pm

They put that shit on everything!

HRH_Maddie December 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

‘HOT SAUCE ON THE BALLS’ NOT LEGITIMATE PENAL POLICY — Well, there goes my love life.

kittensdontlie December 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

That's enough to keep you on the straight and narrow.

SuspectedDemocrat December 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Assume bunny dead.

Ruhe December 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Brilliant.

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

That is gorgeous.

UW8316154 December 5, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Well-played.

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Your move, Joe Arpaio.

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Some cop he is.

Gorillionaire December 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Here in NC being a prison guard is considered one of the "good" jobs you can get.

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Especially if you like to torture nekked dudes.

smellypossum December 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Everyone knows that you have to use the exotic stuff to properly burn your junk.

None of that fake picante sauce from New York City. (NEW YORK CITY!!!)

smokefilledroommate December 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Nevermind where it's produced, Pace really is horrible. I can't stand that shit.

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Last I checked, made here in San Antonio, some white redneck guy owns the company. Pace is what we serve when our no-palate Yankee relatives come to visit. "Don't put too much cinnamon on my oatmeal, I don't like it that spicy."

Lizzietish81 November 29, 2012 at 11:04 am

My brother and I played with my Barbie Dolls as kids.

I'm way gayer than he is.

Barbie Dolls MADE ME GAY!

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Did a search, turns out the family sold out to Campbell's Soup in 1995.

Chet Kincaid_ December 5, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Are you sure you're not a gumshoe in a Raymond Chandler novel?

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm

We'll stop making salsa when Texas stops having faux Jewish delis like Schlotzky's, mmmmmmmmK?

PS Arizona Iced Tea? From BROOKLYN, in case you was wondering why it tasted so good.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Sounds like the warden has been repressing the chef in him or he’s just one sick bastard.

emmelemm December 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"Get a rope."

littlebigdaddy December 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"Kissing wild snakes"….that's what they call it in the big house?

VodkaGoGo December 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Other allegations include that the men were forced to strip and simulate sex with each other.

These prison guards know that seems kinda gay, right? Like, not the way they might think its gay but a different kind of gay, gay.

DemmeFatale December 6, 2012 at 2:00 am

I am constantly amazed by the behavior of homophobes.
I mean, teabagging?! C'mon!!

Wile E. Quixote December 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

When I was at basic training at Fort Knox the guy in the bunk next to mine decided to treat a bad case of jock itch by rubbing his junk down with a generous dose of Atomic Balm. What, you ask, is Atomic Balm? Well it's like industrial strength Ben-Gay and I have to say that watching him jump up and down in front of the floor fan flapping his genitals and yelling "I'm on fire, it burns, it burns." was one of the few enjoyable moments in what was otherwise a rather miserable summer spent in Kentucky.

Kid_Charlemagne December 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I remember Atomic Balm. My HS football trainer's go-to treatment. We often stole it for such nefarious purposes as well.

FlownOver December 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Back when mid-Amercian schools could afford gym class the ultimate dirty trick was to smear Atomic Balm on the inside of a guy's jockstrap.

We were vicious little fucks back then.

SuspectedDemocrat December 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

REVENGE OF THE NERDS LIBEL!!!11!

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Oh man, I once put Tiger Balm on my thigh for a pulled muscle and just the odor of that shit made my cock curl up and hide.

ttommyunger December 5, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I'm guessing this chap wasn't the Honor Graduate….or any other kind of graduate.

Wile E. Quixote December 5, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Actually Steve was a pretty good troop, he wasn't a whiner or a fuck-up like a lot of the other guys in my company and he passed all of the GATE levels on the first try and didn't have to be endlessly retrained on how to disassemble an M-240 like one fuckup that I knew.

DemmeFatale December 6, 2012 at 2:24 am

My crazy brother-in-law has been known to put Gold Bond Medicated Powder on his naughty bits.
(But then, he also likes to drink chocolate milk through a mouthful of chewed up Slim Jims!)

Ruhe December 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Rubbing exotic liquids on your privates? Sounds like a spa day!
Kissing snakes? Sounds like Kentucky!
Kissing other men? Sounds like Massachusetts!
Killing rabbits? Sounds like honest work!

Is there a problem here?

emmelemm December 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I think this is just about the Wonkette post ne plus ultra.

I mean, the alligator-stripper-pot story was fabulous, but it didn't elicit the same level of brilliance and sheer joy from the commenters as this one has.

bobbert December 5, 2012 at 9:04 pm

There's really nothing like intense-but-probably-not-permanently-damaging pain occurring to someone else's genitals to bring out our puckish side.

gullywompr December 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Hot sauce on the balls sounds really painful and totally demeaning. BRB.

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Why do you think they call it hot sauce?

SorosBot December 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Hey, this is North Carolina; the only part of the Bill of Rights that matters is the Second Amendment, none of this "no cruel and unusual punishment" criminal-coddling business.

OneYieldRegular December 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I suspect Lafayette Hall is going to have a splendid welcoming party in prison.

frrolfe December 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

whatever happened to the lovely lady in the photo?

smellypossum December 5, 2012 at 2:04 pm

The brig, I think… she obviously got far greater punishment for her acts than the knuckle-dragging moron that got us into that war in the first place.

smellypossum December 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Esteev December 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

At least she knows that she should feel bad about what she did.

bobbert December 5, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Actually, that doesn't seem clear from the article.

corthylio December 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

The animals were right to want a divorce from us.

Oblios_Cap December 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

These kinds of things may drive up the price of hot sauce for law-abiding citizens.

Supply and Demand never sleep!

But throwing bunnies in the road? That's just wrong!

DerrickWildcat December 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I once sprayed bug killer on my you know what at summer camp when I was a little kid. I had chiggers something fierce and I thought it would kill them and I would quit scratching down there. It really really burned really really bad. I had to go to the camp nurse and I think she told all of the counselors what I did because they would all start laughing whenever they saw me.

kittensdontlie December 5, 2012 at 2:18 pm

And hot sauce could be a prison remedy for crabs.

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

What crime do I have to commit to get into this particular jail? Will it feel the same if I just purchase some hot sauce and… well, you know.

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Somehow it probably isn't the same without the humiliation.

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I could berate myself in the mirror, no? BRB

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I think you'd get jailed just for being brown.

4TheTurnstiles December 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Goddamn, these southern-fried motherfuckers can't eat for shit. Did Paula Dean teach them to butter their balls in Sriracha and not their burritos?

elviouslyqueer December 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Mmmm, Fireball.

Wait, what?

bobbert December 5, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Gah. One of my kids likes that stuff. Gah.

iburl December 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Wow, it's almost like we've decided as a culture that torture is not a crime. FORWARD!

HistoriCat December 5, 2012 at 5:46 pm

John Yoo laughs at your mistaken notions.

iburl December 5, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Chief Justice Yoo

HistoriCat December 5, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Yikes – in all of the possible alternate universes, that has to rank near the top.

bobbert December 5, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Torture in the pursuit of American Exceptionalism is not a crime.

Estproph December 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Obligatory "tossed salad with hot sauce" comment.

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Obligatory "NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM" response.

MacRaith December 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Throwing bunnies into traffic while rubbing hot sauce on your ass? Hey, that's just a typical Saturday night in Sampson County, NC.

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I gotta get out of NY…

PubOption December 5, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Too much methanol in the moonshine, I suspect.

Mojopo December 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

What are they adding to their corn squeezins' down there – LSD and bath salts?

Blueb4sinrise December 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm

This is more like what separates humans from animals.

Allmighty_Manos December 5, 2012 at 2:04 pm

What happens when you combine Emeril Lagasse and Lynndie England

sullivanst December 5, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Bam!

GregComlish December 5, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Answer: Tony Danza

FNMA December 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

You mean the rooster sauce having a cock on the bottle doesn't mean it's a suggested use for sriracha?

DerrickWildcat December 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

LOL, Snakes don't have lips!

bobbert December 5, 2012 at 9:09 pm

But frogs have teeth.

Troglodeity December 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I'm finding it hard to believe there was not a single corroborating complaint filed by a driver who had one of those bunny rabbits flung under his car.

Then again, we're talking North Carolina.

ShreditorsDesk December 5, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Road kill is a real treat in the Carolinas!

bobbert December 5, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Five points for a bunny.

ShreditorsDesk December 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Barney Fife would never do this, would he?

LibrarianX December 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I thought of poor Otis the drunk right away.

Grokenstein December 5, 2012 at 4:43 pm

I can't even link to that brilliant, horrifying Drew Friedman cartoon in which Sidney Poitier drives through Mayberry…

EatsBabyDingos December 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

My nuts are roasting
Like an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at my wild snake
Tiny perps with their nads all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

Mojopo December 5, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I don't care if it rains for freezes
long as I have a spicy penis
From rubbin' hot sauce on my junk…
Crapping fire, I am scary
Now I've got two lava berries
Nestled 'neath my hellfire spittin' trunk…

Chet Kincaid_ December 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

This is from the ZZ Top Christmas album?

Mojopo December 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Chet! You know that's from "Cool Hand Luke". Stop pulling my leg.

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Rudolph, the red balled reindeer
Had a very burny crotch
And if you ever licked it
You would need a shot of scotch.

Goonemeritus December 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Man I find Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Soap to be uncomfortable to use on my naughty bits.

FakaktaSouth November 29, 2012 at 11:09 am

I wish I could remember the day I made my choice. Do any of y'all? Since all of this is so tenuous and choicey and related to material goods, not how we are born, there MUST have been a day when I decided I was going to like guys…or whatever the 70s version thereby was – cause Donnie Osmond and Sean Cassidy weren't exactly screaming with testosterone, but somehow I ended up being attracted to those with opposite parts from mine. I just WISH I could remember when, how and why this happened.

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Really?

Wow.

Really?

I love that stuff. It's almost as good as Listerine.

BadKitty904 December 5, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Wonkette Tip: As a Southerner and one who, therefore, is required to deal with bugs on a sub-tropical scale when out fishing or camping, Dr. Bronner's Eucalyptus soap is mildly effective in helping keep skeeters off.

BadKitty904 December 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

All-One!!!

DemmeFatale December 6, 2012 at 2:15 am

The bottles are such a fun, batshit read!!

gullywompr December 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Reminds me of the old How Do I Get Herculiner Off of My Hootus? thread, although this guy's problem was self-inflicted.

Guppy December 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

They also report being made to grab and kiss wild snakes

So much for the separation of church and state…

corthylio December 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

What? Rooster sauce is for balls?

Botlrokit December 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

What's the point of a forced dry hump… in prison?

sullivanst December 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm

As the owner of two (totes adorable, rescue) pet bunnies, now I haz a sad.

widestanceromance December 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I pity the newbie what had to lick it off, but for obvious reasons, they would be left alone for the next few days at least.

Dashboard Buddha December 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

OT: Why stylists hate boxed haircolor…

Might it have something to do with coloring done is a kitchen does not translate well to money in the stylists pocket?

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:13 pm

They also report being made to grab and kiss wild snakes while working on a road crew

This is a euphemism, right?

gullywompr December 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Spitting cobras.

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Drop to your knees, son! I got an anaconda….

T3rbo December 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm

If they can't take a joke, fuck 'em

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm

This reminds me, what is the possessive plural of "cocks"?

gullywompr December 5, 2012 at 2:35 pm

My ex.

hagajim December 5, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Hate much?

BadKitty904 December 5, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Me-OW…

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

You got a number for her?

gullywompr December 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

86.

Negropolis December 6, 2012 at 1:54 am

69

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 2:45 pm

"Republicans's."

kingofmeh December 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

coccyx

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Good thing for those inmates they weren't working the roadgang near Kyre Banorg. There's some pretty feisty rabbits thereabouts. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcxKIJTb3Hg

"that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!"

jqheywood December 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Oh, go and change your armor…

sullivanst December 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Cocks', of course.

Esteev December 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Thought so. Thanks!

Vontzi December 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I am not sure what is more disturbing….the throwing of bunnies or the comments people are making to top that

corthylio December 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

OT: Prolly already mentioned, but RIP, Dave Brubeck.

RadioBitchFace December 5, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Take five Dave, you deserve it.

LibrarianX December 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Escape from NC

DahBoner December 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Habanero sauce on the Gamersack?

BAM!!!

RadioBitchFace December 5, 2012 at 2:26 pm

That'll teach 'em for smokin' that marijuana.

mrblifil December 5, 2012 at 2:26 pm

They got this idea from Curb Your Enthusiasm I think, when the ex-porn star tells of a crew member shoving a Tobasco-coated thumb up his rectum, to help sustain a hard-on. Which coincidentally also happens to be exactly how Ken Layne celebrates Cinco De Mayo every year.

Maman December 5, 2012 at 2:29 pm

That's a new twist on Scoville units.

SaintRond December 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I'm a taxpayer and I don't see why we should be forced to buy hot sauce for these guys. Let them buy their own hot sauce.

Fuckers live better than I do.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Strangely enough, under Sharia law, this would be OK.

BadKitty904 December 5, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Under North Carolina law, too, apparently…

Ruhe December 5, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Mc-ill-hineys?

bikerlaureate December 5, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Let me just say that the main story was absolutely infuriating, but the addition of the bunnies (which I have raised and am definitely in favor of) nearly sent me over the edge. The snark here saved me yet again, kthx.

hagajim December 5, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I was looking for the "It's a Beautiful Day " angle, and then I realized that comes from these fucktards neighbor to the south.

Blunderthing December 5, 2012 at 2:40 pm

But the rabbits come out so tender after their encounter with onrushing traffic. And they're easier to skin. Y'all ain't frum the south so I wouldn't 'spect you to know that.

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 2:45 pm

So, which of the hot sauce manufacturers sponsored this event?

Caradeloca November 29, 2012 at 11:23 am

My better half refers to our 2 year-old Kitler as his "son." I blame his not growing up with dolls on this, also our lack of interest in breeding.

Dashboard Buddha December 5, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Hot sauce has been deleted from the rectum by the user.

FlownOver December 5, 2012 at 2:48 pm

OT:

Where did the logo gogo?
Or are the neat new server folks displaying the Wonkette script in white rather than red?

actor212 December 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Which logo? I still see the name and graphic in the masthead

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 3:06 pm

It's your computer. Better go buy a new one.

Blueb4sinrise December 5, 2012 at 3:12 pm

It did that to me this morning a coupla times, I don't know if sticking a serrano chili up my ass solved the problem or not.

Aridzona December 5, 2012 at 2:50 pm

How hard could it have been to get these guys to simulate sex with each other? Nothing cruel and unusual there.

Dashboard Buddha December 5, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Speaking of Lynndie England, what happened to that delayed, malformed little troll anyway?

Chet Kincaid_ December 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Chief Santa Line Elf down at the mall.

Dashboard Buddha December 5, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Oh good….I was hoping she was working with children… o_O

PubOption December 5, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I think 'penal' and 'penile' are pronounced the same in NYC, not sure about Louisiana.

jolpaj December 5, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I am against this.

cousinitt December 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Thanks so much Wonkette. Now, at 3am when I turn on my teevee for a little diversion into another universe, I can imagine those nice men in uniform going gangsta Chipotle on the inmates. THAT will make me go back to sleep.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I'm gonna go way out on a limb here, and speculate that the warden votes Republican.

What's really sad is that every GOPper in America knows I'm right, yet few of them think that this fact – the fact that they know it – indicates a problem.

Thunderclees December 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Ooh baby I like it rawwwww/ yeah baby I like it raaaawwwwww

christianmuslin December 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Minus the bunnies because that is just plain sick, we pretty much underwent the same thing during hell week when I was a pledge living in a fraternity in college, in the North, plus a raw egg to carry around all day to class in the tidy whities. Good times!

Chet Kincaid_ December 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Rick Bayless's "Mexico, One Inmate At A Time"

Chet Kincaid_ December 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Ted Allen: "Chefs, for this round, your ingredients are…Road Kill Rabbit, Tobasco Sauce and Rocky Mountain Oysters."

ElPinche December 5, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Hot sauce rubbed on rectums and testicles, isn't that just Guy Fieri's " Pork Slyders in Donkey Sauce? "

BaldarTFlagass December 5, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I'm getting fidgety.

An_Outhouse December 5, 2012 at 3:50 pm

You libtards and your exagerrations. Its just some frat boys blowing off steam.

Grokenstein December 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm

It's not often that a crime comes with its own Blatantly Obvious Ideal Ironic Punishment.

You get the sauce, I'll scout out a good spot by the freeway.

rickmaci December 5, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Where in the name of sweetbabyjeezuuz do the freakazoids who pull this kind of shit come up with the idea in the first place? Are there cave painting somewhere that I don't know about showing cro magnons painting each other's testicles with habañeros?

chemfeast December 5, 2012 at 6:02 pm

This would indeed be cruel. However, one should be suspicious about the prisoners' claims. Capsaicin tricks your body into thinking its burning; it doesn't actually cause rawness or blisters.

If true, it would cruel and it would be unlawful; and I would know after one time taking a leak after slicing up a bunch of jalepenos. No blisters or burns. Very different from when I spilled brake fluid and then went to take a leak. That did cause actual burns.

Yes, I'm an idiot.

ttommyunger December 5, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Soon-to-be former Congressman Flat Top Pistol Shooter Near the Head from Florida is prolly sending his resume to this fine establishment as I tap this out.

Smithboy December 6, 2012 at 7:11 am

Yeah I'll take the word of convicts at face value…why not? I mean, it's not like they aren't completely honest and trustworthy.

BZ1 December 6, 2012 at 8:30 am

"Road crews"? Is this like "Cool Hand Luke", except without the cool?

smellypossum December 5, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Made by folks in San Antonio who know a thing or two about making… Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers and Prego Marinara.

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