department of tobascorrection

North Carolina Prison Warden Discovers ‘Hot Sauce On The Balls’ Not Legitimate Penal Policy

pew pew!So sometimes, when you can’t sleep, you watch Lockup on MSNBC at 3 a.m., and you think, “Wow, those guards deal with so much, it’s so good that they are so upstanding and not like the evil ones in movies and such.” But sometimes… they are. Not on television, of course, but, surprisingly, down in North Carolina, where everything is usually so peaceful and just. A prison warden has been suspended while the state investigates accusations that guards forced inmates to, among other things, rub hot sauce on their private parts, just for giggles. Because hey, What good is being entrusted with the livelihoods of a few hundred caged convicts if you aren’t allowed to season their bumholes with burny liquids?

What’s the story, Salon?

Six inmates from the Sampson Correctional Institution sent a hand-written letter to a U.S. District Court in July reporting that guards had made them perform painful and abusive acts. The men said they were told to ingest large spoonfuls of “exotic hot sauce” and to “pull their pants down so the officers can watch them rub hot sauce on their rectums and testicles which [left] them blistered and raw for days.”

Grosssss, you guys. Wait, there’s more?

Other allegations include that the men were forced to strip and simulate sex with each other. They also report being made to grab and kiss wild snakes while working on a road crew and throw captured bunnies in to oncoming traffic.

We bolded that last part, so you would notice we were talking about people being made to throw captured bunnies in to oncoming traffic. It’s the state’s fault, really — if they would just privatize their prisons like everybody else, they could just blame a corporation for egregious abuses, like good Americans do.

The suspended warden’s name is Lafayette Hall, and, though he does not appear to be related to buildings at NYU, George Washington University, or Virginia Commonwealth University, we should have guessed he would turn bad, from having a name that could have been every bad guy’s name in every Steinbeck novel ever.

It is still unclear whether the prison system was acting on internal complaints from the inmates, or if they only bothered cracking down on the spicy testicle treatment because the inmates wrote a letter to the courts. In any case, if you see a chain gang throwing rabbits into traffic, you should probably write a letter too. [Salon]

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      1. bobbert

        I kinda liked Galactic Odyssey, but really, Laumer was awfully good at the snark.

        BTW, I looked at his wiki page, and never knew the guy looked a little like Nic Cage

  1. Barbara_

    I'm surprised they don't stuff their rectums with celery stalks and bleu cheese dressing too. Jesus!

  2. Hera Sent Me

    They should file a writ of habanero corpus. In fact, they should pepper the court with writs.

  3. mavenmaven

    Watch, no one will care that he was torturing people, but BUNNIES?!?! HE MUST BE DEPRAVED. If it were kittens or puppies he'd have already been locked up.

      1. GregComlish

        Hey, are you deliberately referring the founding family of Tabasco Corporation? Because that's going to over almost everyone's head.

    1. GregComlish

      The apocryphal Mexican of that racist joke: "Me-no-magic, Me-no-trick, Me put hot sauce on my dick" ??

    1. Kid_Charlemagne

      I once accidentally squirted a stream of that stuff into my eye while struggling to open one of those damn pouches during a drunk food binge. It seemed plenty hot at the time.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I've never done that, but I can imagine that the acids in the sauce would make that a painful experience, even if it were the Mild variety.

  4. smellypossum

    Where's the fun in being a prison warden if you can't force convicts to perform homoerotic sadomasochistic acts on one another???

    Damn, there go my career aspirations.

  5. Shypixel

    Were any of the victims attractive white girls?


    This story is a non-starter in the national media.

    1. Antispandex

      Well, I don't know….were any of the GUARDS attractive white girls? That seems to get the public's attention too.

  6. Antispandex

    Don't do the crime if you can't do the hot sauce on the balls is, I believe the generally accepted prison policy in these United States. Pico Pica? Might as well use the best. (I know, you thought I would go for the obvious "Franks Red Hot" there).

  7. smellypossum

    Everyone knows that you have to use the exotic stuff to properly burn your junk.

    None of that fake picante sauce from New York City. (NEW YORK CITY!!!)

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Last I checked, made here in San Antonio, some white redneck guy owns the company. Pace is what we serve when our no-palate Yankee relatives come to visit. "Don't put too much cinnamon on my oatmeal, I don't like it that spicy."

        1. Lizzietish81

          My brother and I played with my Barbie Dolls as kids.

          I'm way gayer than he is.

          Barbie Dolls MADE ME GAY!

          1. smellypossum

            Made by folks in San Antonio who know a thing or two about making… Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers and Prego Marinara.

    1. actor212

      We'll stop making salsa when Texas stops having faux Jewish delis like Schlotzky's, mmmmmmmmK?

      PS Arizona Iced Tea? From BROOKLYN, in case you was wondering why it tasted so good.

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Sounds like the warden has been repressing the chef in him or he’s just one sick bastard.

  9. VodkaGoGo

    Other allegations include that the men were forced to strip and simulate sex with each other.

    These prison guards know that seems kinda gay, right? Like, not the way they might think its gay but a different kind of gay, gay.

  10. Wile E. Quixote

    When I was at basic training at Fort Knox the guy in the bunk next to mine decided to treat a bad case of jock itch by rubbing his junk down with a generous dose of Atomic Balm. What, you ask, is Atomic Balm? Well it's like industrial strength Ben-Gay and I have to say that watching him jump up and down in front of the floor fan flapping his genitals and yelling "I'm on fire, it burns, it burns." was one of the few enjoyable moments in what was otherwise a rather miserable summer spent in Kentucky.

    1. Kid_Charlemagne

      I remember Atomic Balm. My HS football trainer's go-to treatment. We often stole it for such nefarious purposes as well.

    2. FlownOver

      Back when mid-Amercian schools could afford gym class the ultimate dirty trick was to smear Atomic Balm on the inside of a guy's jockstrap.

      We were vicious little fucks back then.

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Actually Steve was a pretty good troop, he wasn't a whiner or a fuck-up like a lot of the other guys in my company and he passed all of the GATE levels on the first try and didn't have to be endlessly retrained on how to disassemble an M-240 like one fuckup that I knew.

    3. DemmeFatale

      My crazy brother-in-law has been known to put Gold Bond Medicated Powder on his naughty bits.
      (But then, he also likes to drink chocolate milk through a mouthful of chewed up Slim Jims!)

  11. Ruhe

    Rubbing exotic liquids on your privates? Sounds like a spa day!
    Kissing snakes? Sounds like Kentucky!
    Kissing other men? Sounds like Massachusetts!
    Killing rabbits? Sounds like honest work!

    Is there a problem here?

  12. emmelemm

    I think this is just about the Wonkette post ne plus ultra.

    I mean, the alligator-stripper-pot story was fabulous, but it didn't elicit the same level of brilliance and sheer joy from the commenters as this one has.

    1. bobbert

      There's really nothing like intense-but-probably-not-permanently-damaging pain occurring to someone else's genitals to bring out our puckish side.

  13. SorosBot

    Hey, this is North Carolina; the only part of the Bill of Rights that matters is the Second Amendment, none of this "no cruel and unusual punishment" criminal-coddling business.

    1. smellypossum

      The brig, I think… she obviously got far greater punishment for her acts than the knuckle-dragging moron that got us into that war in the first place.

  14. Oblios_Cap

    These kinds of things may drive up the price of hot sauce for law-abiding citizens.

    Supply and Demand never sleep!

    But throwing bunnies in the road? That's just wrong!

  15. DerrickWildcat

    I once sprayed bug killer on my you know what at summer camp when I was a little kid. I had chiggers something fierce and I thought it would kill them and I would quit scratching down there. It really really burned really really bad. I had to go to the camp nurse and I think she told all of the counselors what I did because they would all start laughing whenever they saw me.

  16. Esteev

    What crime do I have to commit to get into this particular jail? Will it feel the same if I just purchase some hot sauce and… well, you know.

  17. MacRaith

    Throwing bunnies into traffic while rubbing hot sauce on your ass? Hey, that's just a typical Saturday night in Sampson County, NC.

  18. FNMA

    You mean the rooster sauce having a cock on the bottle doesn't mean it's a suggested use for sriracha?

  19. Troglodeity

    I'm finding it hard to believe there was not a single corroborating complaint filed by a driver who had one of those bunny rabbits flung under his car.

    Then again, we're talking North Carolina.

    1. Grokenstein

      I can't even link to that brilliant, horrifying Drew Friedman cartoon in which Sidney Poitier drives through Mayberry…

  20. EatsBabyDingos

    My nuts are roasting
    Like an open fire
    Jack Frost nipping at my wild snake
    Tiny perps with their nads all aglow
    Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

    1. Mojopo

      I don't care if it rains for freezes
      long as I have a spicy penis
      From rubbin' hot sauce on my junk…
      Crapping fire, I am scary
      Now I've got two lava berries
      Nestled 'neath my hellfire spittin' trunk…

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I wish I could remember the day I made my choice. Do any of y'all? Since all of this is so tenuous and choicey and related to material goods, not how we are born, there MUST have been a day when I decided I was going to like guys…or whatever the 70s version thereby was – cause Donnie Osmond and Sean Cassidy weren't exactly screaming with testosterone, but somehow I ended up being attracted to those with opposite parts from mine. I just WISH I could remember when, how and why this happened.

      1. BadKitty904

        Wonkette Tip: As a Southerner and one who, therefore, is required to deal with bugs on a sub-tropical scale when out fishing or camping, Dr. Bronner's Eucalyptus soap is mildly effective in helping keep skeeters off.

  21. Guppy

    They also report being made to grab and kiss wild snakes

    So much for the separation of church and state…

  22. widestanceromance

    I pity the newbie what had to lick it off, but for obvious reasons, they would be left alone for the next few days at least.

  23. Dashboard Buddha

    OT: Why stylists hate boxed haircolor…

    Might it have something to do with coloring done is a kitchen does not translate well to money in the stylists pocket?

  24. Vontzi

    I am not sure what is more disturbing….the throwing of bunnies or the comments people are making to top that

  25. mrblifil

    They got this idea from Curb Your Enthusiasm I think, when the ex-porn star tells of a crew member shoving a Tobasco-coated thumb up his rectum, to help sustain a hard-on. Which coincidentally also happens to be exactly how Ken Layne celebrates Cinco De Mayo every year.

  26. SaintRond

    I'm a taxpayer and I don't see why we should be forced to buy hot sauce for these guys. Let them buy their own hot sauce.

    Fuckers live better than I do.

  27. bikerlaureate

    Let me just say that the main story was absolutely infuriating, but the addition of the bunnies (which I have raised and am definitely in favor of) nearly sent me over the edge. The snark here saved me yet again, kthx.

  28. hagajim

    I was looking for the "It's a Beautiful Day " angle, and then I realized that comes from these fucktards neighbor to the south.

  29. Blunderthing

    But the rabbits come out so tender after their encounter with onrushing traffic. And they're easier to skin. Y'all ain't frum the south so I wouldn't 'spect you to know that.

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      It did that to me this morning a coupla times, I don't know if sticking a serrano chili up my ass solved the problem or not.

  30. Aridzona

    How hard could it have been to get these guys to simulate sex with each other? Nothing cruel and unusual there.

  31. Dashboard Buddha

    Speaking of Lynndie England, what happened to that delayed, malformed little troll anyway?

  32. cousinitt

    Thanks so much Wonkette. Now, at 3am when I turn on my teevee for a little diversion into another universe, I can imagine those nice men in uniform going gangsta Chipotle on the inmates. THAT will make me go back to sleep.

  33. Biel_ze_Bubba

    I'm gonna go way out on a limb here, and speculate that the warden votes Republican.

    What's really sad is that every GOPper in America knows I'm right, yet few of them think that this fact – the fact that they know it – indicates a problem.

  34. christianmuslin

    Minus the bunnies because that is just plain sick, we pretty much underwent the same thing during hell week when I was a pledge living in a fraternity in college, in the North, plus a raw egg to carry around all day to class in the tidy whities. Good times!

  35. ElPinche

    Hot sauce rubbed on rectums and testicles, isn't that just Guy Fieri's " Pork Slyders in Donkey Sauce? "

  36. Grokenstein

    It's not often that a crime comes with its own Blatantly Obvious Ideal Ironic Punishment.

    You get the sauce, I'll scout out a good spot by the freeway.

  37. rickmaci

    Where in the name of sweetbabyjeezuuz do the freakazoids who pull this kind of shit come up with the idea in the first place? Are there cave painting somewhere that I don't know about showing cro magnons painting each other's testicles with habañeros?

  38. chemfeast

    This would indeed be cruel. However, one should be suspicious about the prisoners' claims. Capsaicin tricks your body into thinking its burning; it doesn't actually cause rawness or blisters.

    If true, it would cruel and it would be unlawful; and I would know after one time taking a leak after slicing up a bunch of jalepenos. No blisters or burns. Very different from when I spilled brake fluid and then went to take a leak. That did cause actual burns.

    Yes, I'm an idiot.

  39. ttommyunger

    Soon-to-be former Congressman Flat Top Pistol Shooter Near the Head from Florida is prolly sending his resume to this fine establishment as I tap this out.

  40. Smithboy

    Yeah I'll take the word of convicts at face value…why not? I mean, it's not like they aren't completely honest and trustworthy.

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