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Wingnuts Hold Anti-Gay Jeebus Conference In Magical Eastern Mexican Land of ‘Spain’

Have any of our Wonkette readers ever been to a Foreign Country? Haha, oh my heck, no, of course not! All Godjesus-worshipping Americans know that all other countries are full of squalor and general brown-ness and should only be visited for the purposes of converting their heathen denizens to the one true religion of American Christianity, which involves going to the local Chick-Fil-A and stuffing as many chicken nuggets in your gaping maw hole as you can and then diving face first into a tub of soft serve frozen yogurt because God Hates Homos, or something like that, don’t know, haven’t been paying attention in church. It’s the weirdest Eucharist ever.

But once in a while, a group of wingnuts will make an exception and travel off to an exotic land together (DEFINITELY without hired man hookers), and that happened just recently when luminaries from the various Junior Anti-Butt-Sex Leagues of the US of A traveled together to a scary, exotic place called “Spain” in order to basically stand at podiums and spout the same garbled homophobic bullshit they spout in the United States. Jeremy Hooper reported on their voyage back in May, but the videos are just now becoming available, and at least one of them is highly worthy of our attention. Behold, Brian Brown, of the National Organization for Marriage, as he takes the podium, opens his mouth and immediately begins speaking to the assembled Spanish wingnuts as if he is trying to do his best impression of Madonna, if Madonna was speaking to a group of Spanish people as if they were a deaf, blind and differently abled ESL class:

“I am American which mean I am rebel like you are rebel! I lean way forward and make words verrrrrrry slowly and make big eyes so to explain to you the assembled Mexicans how we hate la homosexualista in United States! I am very excited to be in your foreign land, even though I obviously think you are probably el retard! Now I do mariachi dance in your native language so you understand!”

No, seriously, here is how he talks in the United States, so you can see that your Wonkette is not kidding:


Really, we only wrote this post to make fun of Brian Brown for funz. Visit Good-As-You for more magical wingnut videos from the mythical, savage land of España, including a seminar on some sort of Final Solution to the homosexual menace, led by that Richard Cohen guy, who cured himself of the gay by beatin’ the everlovin’ fuck out of a pillow with a tennis racket and calling it “mommy,” and also by cuddling with dudes while maybe not having a boner the whole time. “It’s just a semi, bro. No homo,” is a thing he probably says a lot, in “therapy.” [Good As You]

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About the author

Evan Hurst spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. As a Noted Homosexual, Evan is obviously condemned and has nothing to lose at this point, so he spends his days as the Director of Social Media for Truth Wins Out, and lends a hand at the Wonkette in order to protect its gentle readers from the Homosexual Menace. Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.

View all articles by Evan Hurst

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135 comments

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Beats refreshing the screen till 9 or 10 AM waiting for the first post of the day, like happens sometimes *kof kof*.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        It's after 4PM where I live. After an hour or so of refreshing the screen, my thoughts turn to something wetter, more aromatic, in a heavy glass…

  1. ProgressiveInga

    Did any of these Spainsh/Brown people say, in the words of the immortal Anton Chigurh, "What business is it of yours where I'm from, friendo?"

    'Cause that would be awesome.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Well, perhaps that's a question best directed to that Cormac McCarthy guy who wrote the book…

          1. ProgressiveInga

            Child of God is being made, right? I still have nightmares from reading that one and I bought a .357 specifically for use when camping in Appalachia….

          2. eggsacklywright

            Haven't heard about Child of God. I'd be very much in favor of filming any of his earlier works. Outer Dark was set in bizarre Appalachia, too. Love his work.

          3. Grief_Lessons

            Holy fuck. Child of God was definitely on my list of books that would never get made into movies. I guess there's nothing left to do but wait for the opening of Gravity's Rainbow.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "Mister, you got a bone stickin' out of your arm up your ass."
      "Let me just sit here a minute."

  2. Negropolis

    There is a special place in Christo-Muslin hell for the people that try and export this shit. Look what they've helped to do in Uganda. They lose at home, so they have to run halfway around the world and make our government have to chase them to put out their fires. Fuck 'em.

    This is why America can't have nice things.

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      Yes, but it's also why these assholes will self-deport to third world (small government) hell-holes in the next 20 years where the populace is more open to superstitious bullshit wrapped in hucksterism delivered by fat whites. Plus Genocide and Genital Mutilation! Win-Win!

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    I liked Bryan Brown in "Breaker Morant," "The Odd Angry Shot," and "F/X," but he really seems to suck now.

  4. Pragmatist2

    This inspires a thought. Let's pass state laws that say you have to ha e a photo ID to vote – but the only acceptable ID is a Passport with at least one entry stamp in it.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      I traveled outside the country extensively as a child, and even lived abroad for several years. I would pass that test with flying colors. You know why I would pass? Because my family was fucking loaded and I was lucky enough to be born into that privilege.

      Plane tickets run the gamut from staggeringly expensive to Jesus Christ we can't afford this. Add to that the number of working or middle class jobs that provide anything more than a long weekend's worth of vacation time. Now compound that to a family budget that is already being gouged by a greedy landlord or a mortgage that has gone underwater.

      I'm not calling you a jackass, but take about two seconds to reread what you wrote. Now imagine one of the Romneys uttering the same thing. Doesn't sound too nice, does it?

      1. Pragmatist2

        Holy Jonathan Swift!
        May I suggest that when you come to a site dedicated to sarcasm, satire and snark that you assume that the comments are sarcasm, satire or snark.

  5. asterixaverni

    Well, so much for going to Spain….

    It's bad enough we have this shit in the US, but why the hell are we exporting it? Can't we lock these freaks up in Arizona or Florida or something?

  6. el_donaldo

    I'm sure the Anti-Butt-Sekhs League was all just thinking it was a total waste of time to go to a place where everyone's speaking Spanish but there's no tacos, tequila, or donkey shows.

    Fewer scary browns with guns though.

  7. Dashboard Buddha

    "Have any of our Wonkette readers ever been to a Foreign Country?"

    True story: I've been to Canada…not intentionally though. I was taking a day trip with my then wife and bro-sis-in-law and we ended up at a small border crossing in, I think, New Hampshire. Not ever having been this near an exotic country that was not mine, I asked the border guard if I could walk 30 feet on the Canadian side and take a rock. He was pretty cool about it and let me go. Of course today, post 9-11, I would have been shot just for asking.

      1. Dashboard Buddha

        Funny thing about rocks in the north east part of the continent…they all pretty much look the same. During one of my moves, I may have come across it and thought, why do I have this fucking rock. The memory of the trip remains however. It should…being trapped in a car with my then wife and her sister and bro-in-law has a way of searing its way into the memory.

    1. editor

      not only have i been to "foreign countries" (plural!), i was born and raised in one. which makes me a foreigner, i guess, although not a brown. but the point is, i can confirm that what mr. brown is doing here is not at all uncommon. most of the time, i speak english fluently and no one will say anything. sometimes, though, i like to mangle my english and behold, the compliments about my mastery of the english language roll forth. many americans think us foreigners are to be treated as children with downs syndrome. not fully human, but oh so cute when they try.

      on another note: spain? really? don't these people know spain has legalized same sex marriage years ago? sounds like someone wanted a vacation.

  8. WhatTheHolyHeck

    Woah. Around 5:00ish, he admits that people may endorse marriage equality for all because of logic, but all NOM's money is on emotional appeals.

    Dude, ten points for self-awareness but minus several trillion for utter douchewafflery.

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      emotional appeals but only after they focus group the shit out of it. i mean, how can you manipulate emotions to specific demographics until you've focus grouped?

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    "Have any of our Wonkette readers ever been to a Foreign Country?"

    Only to help clean up after some of our various and sundry Extraordinary Fuckups.

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      Going there with Uncle Sam's permission and not theirs adds a whole new dimension to "travel".

  10. BadKitty904

    Spain has some of the most liberal LGBT rights in the world. Based on the Spaniards I know – and there's quite a few down here – I'm sure they had quite a hearty laugh at the silly Americans.

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      They did start taking flash photos of this asshat like you might at a zoo if you (okay, I) saw a monkey eating his own shit.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    Wait a minute. Isn't gay marriage already legal in Spain?

    *Checks Google.* Yep, since 2005. This whole trip smells like a boondoggle to me. And I work for the US government, and know wherefrom I speak when it comes to boondoggles.

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      here was the planning meeting.
      Asshat 1: If we go to Spain and pay a bunch of people to have sex with us (hetero, homo, bi-, three-ways, ATM, whatever) will anyone ever find us out?
      Asshat 2: Of course not, they only speak mexican over there. Who will they tell? and who would understand?
      Asshat 1: Spain it is!

  12. Lot_49

    ¿Espana? The wingnuts want to bring their special brand of crazy to a country with 25 percent unemployment and a housing crisis worse than ours?

    Oh, I know…they all just want to see a bullfight. It's their kind of entertainment. The slaughter of the innocents, only with an hour of torture first. Plus cute ultra-gay outfits.

    1. BadKitty904

      I'm sure the gazelle-like young cabana boys had nothing to do with the decision. Nope. No, sir. Not one bit.

  13. DaSandman

    Like Canada, Spain doesn't want our idiots either. Why do the dusky socialists hate stupidity so much?

  14. Loch_Nessosaur

    …opens his mouth and immediately begins speaking to the assembled Spanish wingnuts as if he is trying to do his best impression of Madonna

    By Madonna, I assume you are referring to the Virgin Mary.

  15. Yellerdawg

    Every time I see a gay man, I suspect he's trying to make off with my wife. ( Is that how they plan to ruin my marriage, or will I wake up someday in Mexico in a bathtub full of ice with a vagina and a boob job?)

    1. BadKitty904

      If we try to make off with your wife, we prolly just want to take her to brunch, where we'll have to listen to her talk about you. I'm not sure if that's better or worse, but it *does* at least mean we're not up to any monkeyshines with her…

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      If he were in the military, it would be a case of "don't have to ask, because you can just tell."

  16. weejee

    I haz a sad this douche is ranting in front of the Space Noodle and Mt. Rainier. Is he posing there 'cause Brown has a secret happy that Washington libtarded voters just passed a law making it legal to get Islamic gay-married at your local abortionplex?

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      you can only get gay-married at the abortionplex if you've first legally smoked an half-ounce of Heavy Duty Fruity. sorry, it's the law.

    1. HistoriCat

      I understand that Ireland usually has very nice weather in May. Now, when we were on our honeymoon in Ireland, the weather was terrible. Everyone there kept telling us how they were getting their March weather in May – it was not particularly encouraging.

  17. Mumbletypeg

    Chik-Fil-A Eucharist

    The biggest shock for Brian Brown and his gaggle of pedants for the Lawd was the realization that in Europe their fast food artery-clogging takeout joints don't have issues with being open on the Sabbath because they are none of them owned by Fundamentalist right-wing cornholes don't exist.

  18. FakaktaSouth

    God I am so embarrassed. It's one thing to be all fucktarded here, but going out into the public world and showing people what Americans can be like outloud is just too much. It's like having your crazy relatives show up at your office or something.

    1. Guppy

      but going out into the public world and showing people what Americans can be like outloud is just too much

      All the armed invasions don't count?

  19. jamsie25

    Holy mother of FSM! That is one scary dude who, imo, is protesting wayyyyy to much. Makes me wonder if he and my bestest little friend, Ricky S., ever did the butt fandango together.

  20. memzilla

    Dear Ambassador Gil-Casares:

    On behalf of at least 53% of the American people, we apologize for not being able to stop hatemonger Brian Brown from entering your country, but hey, freedom.

    Also too, please disregard his spittle-flecked polemic on CNN about how his particular brand of hate is muy especial and shouldn't be lumped together with all those other brands of hate.

    However, upon his next visit to Spain, if you were to pre-emptively detain him at the border, take several days to examine his so-called "entry visa," and then deposit him, barefoot and coatless, somewhere in the Pyrénées to be butt-ravaged by mountain goats (with votes), we would be forced issue a formal protest that had about as much force behind it as a bowl of wet tortillas.

    Sincerely, the Wonkettariat

  21. Negropolis

    Grathias, senor.

    Really, they must sound as pretentious to Mexicans as a lot of Brits do to us. lol And, we must sound like hillbillies with our Mexican-accented Spanish on top of our English accents.

      1. Negropolis

        Well, I did say a lot and not all. I mean, we don't exactly envy the Geordie dialect or whatever the heck passes for English in Liverpool. You're not from up that way are you? Damn, I've probably offended you again. :(

  22. kyeshinka

    A republican visits a foreign country and he's NOT on a US military base? That's really brave, because we all know those are the absolute safest places to be when you're abroad.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "those are the absolute safest places to be when you're abroad."

      Or in many of the southern states, as well.

  23. jakegittes

    My gaydar tells me that Brian is one of those there guys to whom the line, "methinks thou doth protetht too much" applies.

    He should have made this speech in Greece, doncha think?

  24. BaldarTFlagass

    It would have been cool if Cheech Marin had given him some Spanish lessons before he went.

    "Want me to teach you some Spanish words? Okay, when you see a real good friend, you say, "Hey, pendejo, how ya doin'?"

  25. AddHomonym

    First, he says he's a rebel and then later he says he's doing counterinsurgency. So as if it wasn't already obvs, he's at war with himself.

  26. 1stNewtontheMoon

    I wonder how this message has changed since the Nov. elections?

    "I'm a rebel. I like to be on the wrong side of history."

    Separately, he says and uses "the Elites" and "rebels" like he watched Che on the plane ride over. What a douchenozzle.

  27. 1stNewtontheMoon

    Funny, this method of trans-linguistic communication works so well with my housekeeper. Like Grandma always said, "slowly, loudly, and with lots of gestures and pantomiming."

  28. DocChaos

    Any hetero male will tell you that even no-sex cuddling with a chick is gay, and I'm not even going to get into calling your pillow "mommy".

  29. johnnyzhivago

    Travel to a foreign COUNTRY???????? There are about 23 left leaning, gay accepting and mostly Feminazi controlled Demo-rat STATES that REAL Americans must AVOID at ALL COSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

  30. LibrarianX

    I thought the strategy was: demonize the gays so that people maybe won't notice that the priests are molesting the children.

  31. Severen13

    **I am American which mean I am rebel like you are rebel!**

    With a rebel yell, Brian Brown cried "More! More! More!"

  32. mrblifil

    Q: Do you have a name?

    A: Si.

    Q: May we know what it is?

    A: Si.

    Q: And what is it?

    A: Sy.

    Q: And do you have a sister?

    A: Si.

    Q: And what's her name?

    A: Sue.

  33. An_Outhouse

    I'm sure Spain has many men of the cloth that would like to spend some time with Brian "discussing homosexuality" in manly ways.

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