We Still Call It Price Club So Get Off Our Lawn

Sad Slob Mitt Romney Just Deliberately Messing With Our Heads Now

Look at Mr. Cool DisguiseHey, remember that Mitt Romney guy? Yeah, us neither, really, but apparently he was expecting to be president, since it was his birthright or something? And now, he’s just wandering around in a sad daze, with only his hundreds of millions of dollars for company. Poor dude. So like any US American who’s feeling a little down, he went shopping. And, apparently because he is something of a masochist, he went to CostCo, inviting mocking comparisons to Old Handsome Joe Biden, who recently pushed a cart around at the very same discount warehouse chain for the good of the economy.

The Atlantic’s Alexander Abad-Santos notes the contrast between

the symmetry and perfect, Tetris-like precision fit that Biden’s cart is sporting and the undulating cauldron of entropy on the left topped by generic paper towels

And much more to the point: “that hat.” (It is an asshat wearing a hat!)

Needless to say, the Wonkette Secret Chatcave was ringing with mirthy schadenfreude:

“But the Costco CEO spoke at the DNC! Shouldn’t Mitt go to Sam’s Club?”

“He’s all like, you won’t see ME locking myself in the bedroom and crying all over Thanksgiving! Nope, I’m a man with offices to be at and Costcos to look weird in!”

“Costco is his version of Corey Booker’s living off food stamps. The poor man just wants to connect.”

“Is that Ann behind him? She looks like she is on Laura Bush style buckets of Valium and Luudes.”

“Remember how Ann was worried about Mitt’s mental health if he got elected?”

And so, we turn the snarkage over to You, the Wonkettariat: What’s the next Joe Biden Signature Move we can expect Mitt to incompetently copy? Will Mitt decide to buy a bitchen muscle car, but end up honoring his dad by getting a 1979 AMX (or maybe a Gremlin GT)? Or maybe he’ll pose with a biker chick, only her old man will punch his lights out?

[AtlanticWire]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  • BaldarTFlagass

    "That's some bad hat, Harry."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      HOUSE LIBEL!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        House? WTF? That's from "Jaws," amigo.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          You've never watched the end credits for House?

          • Come here a minute

            And here's the original, as long as we're at it.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Of all the cool lines in that movie, that one is right up there for me, don't know why.

          • http://bln.gs/b/263rcw C_R_Eature

            I recognized it instantaneously. It's It's a good one. As are these:

            "Ah hahahahahahaha they're gonna die."

            "They're in the Yahhd, Naht too Faaah from the Caaah."

            And The One Line That Everyone Remembers.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Nope. I really don't watch any television at all, though I have heard that's a good show.

    • miss_grundy

      The way he's wearing that cap it looks like a jockey's hat. Did he park Rafalca in the parking lot? Why is he at a Costco anyway? Doesn't he know that his kind is supposed to patronize Sam's Club with its unhappy employees who don't have health care? If he's trying to pass himself off as a RINO, he can forget about it. And he can go and hang with the forty-seven percenters at Walmart.

    • StillGoinGreen

      You would think with a couple hundred super sized, he could afford a proper cover for the HUMONGOUS MEELON!!

      • tessiee

        Costco actually does stock hats in size Humungous; it's just that you have to buy a package of 8 of them all duct taped together.

  • Mittaplasia

    He just got a job at the Marriott; maybe this pic was taken on Casual Friday.

    • AlaskaGrrl

      Maybe doing the Costco run IS his job at Marriott. "Hey Mitt, we're out of paper towels for the break room…."

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      WTF is wrong with that guy? He's 64 and fabulously wealthy. why doesn't he retire and travel around the world. you wouldn't catch me sitting in a fucking Marriot boardroom if I were that rich. Jeez.

      • BadKitty904

        I think he feels a need to be needed. The pity is, he isn't.

        • Come here a minute

          Do not need. Do. Not. Want.

  • CrunchyKnee

    He got that extra-large package of Cock bros paper towels, tho.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Look closely, there's only one: Towel.

      • CrunchyKnee

        The proper size no doubt.

    • jqheywood

      PAPER TOWEL LIBELS!!!?!

      Nay, those are the wonderful Kirkland Costco house brand paper towels.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And they're all the right size.

      • Geminisunmars

        They are about as absorbent as Bush's brain.

  • tbogg

    Mitt appears to be going to great lengths to avoid hat head. Also Ann.

    • rickmaci

      He's waiting for the hair coloring to grow out. When he finally takes off his hats in a month or so, we will see he is totally gray and has been sporting a dye job.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        We already saw that when he auditioned for that job at the local Gas N Gulp.

    • fitley

      If he pulled that hat down anymore it would totally crush his pompador.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Dingleberry does not know how to wear a "baseball cap" and not grimace.
      Grim Ass being the lovely #1 bride.

  • Lot_49

    Costco is pure evil, masked with "cheap" prices.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Oh, I dunno about that. They pay a living wage, have decent benefits, and are immeasuarbly better than Walmart for workers: http://www.slate.com/articles/business/moneybox/2

      And see also: http://i-sight.com/employee-relations/employee-re

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        And all the non-union laborers in right-to-work states are paid at the prevailing union wages of other stores.

        ETA: Also, too…

        In 2010, Mercy for Animals conducted an undercover investigation at Buckeye Veal Farm, a veal supplier to Costco.[53] Immediately following the investigative release, Costco adopted a policy against purchasing veal from producers that use the crate-and-chain production method.[54] The case prompted Ohio decision-makers to vote in favor of a veal crate phase-out in the state.[55]

        In 2012, Mercy for Animals conducted an undercover investigation at a pork supplier to Costco, Walmart, Safeway, Kroger, and Kmart.[56] Before the public release of the investigation, Costco announced they would begin requiring their pork suppliers to phase out gestation crates.[57] [58]

        • StillGoinGreen

          Which state(s) made it illegal to film inside a processing plant without owner permission?

          • emmelemm

            One of the Midwestern ones… thinking Ohio?

        • HempDogbane

          The pork supplier was Christenson Farms, headquartered in MN. The founder and CEO, Bob Christenson, dropped dead while hunting last month. He was in his 50s.

          • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

            I was hoping he had turned to shit and the pigs ate him.

      • Lot_49

        All that notwithstanding, what's evil about Costco is the manipulative tactics (erratic availability, giant shopping barges, fee-for-membership, jam-packed parking lots, shrink-wrapping things into larger packaging) they use to force people to buy more than they need because they don't know when it will be available again, it's so much goddamn trouble to get in and out of the store, and holy crap THIS IS SO CHEAP!

        All big-time retailers manipulate their customers. Costco just does it too brazenly. And if you shop at the same store for a few years you can watch the employees get fatter and fatter….

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          But you know that going in, when you have to buy the membership. I mean, it's hardly a bait and switch tactic. I shop there when I need to stock up on staples like paper towel and toilet paper, coffee, stuff like that, and their prices are consistently lower than any supermarket.

          And for big families, it's a huge blessing to be able to buy one pork tenderloin or package of chicken parts and know it will feel all six people. Plus, people pool their funds and shop for multiple families at a time on one membership.

          About the only place I've seen cheaper is on Amazon, but really, who wants to order a case of 48 rolls of paper towel?

          • Lot_49

            All true! My distaste is purely personal. Nobody has to shop there.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Well, you mention that all retailers engage in this kind of manipulation, which is true. After all, it's a competitive market out there, and unfortunately, just giving good quality products at consistently low prices isn't going to cut it in this world anymore. You have to draw customers in to see those prices and so some sleight of hand will be involved.

            So if everything else is equal, I kinda like shopping at a place that treats their employees with dignity.

          • sullivanst

            It's certainly the case that BJs indulges in every single manipulative practice enumerated here, but also indulges in union busting practices that would warm the heart of any Walton.

        • StillGoinGreen

          Where do you shop? I LOVES ME SOME FAT CHICKS!!

          • Lot_49

            At Price Club Number 1, of course.

        • Trinket

          And if you shop at the same store for a few years you can watch the employees get fatter and fatter….

          That happens at every store, doesn't it? I sort of thought it was because the employees get older as the years go by. Besides, there are worse things in the world than being fat. Some people are mean, for example. Or union-busters. Or Wall Street bankers.

          • tessiee

            Or not having a job that lasts for a year or two.

        • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

          They're Nazis, actually.

          I used to work for an egg company. We got the contract to supply Costco in northern California. But we had to meet with them and discuss a few things. Basically, they sat us down in a room and explained to us that we were not only going to be responsible for delivering eggs to them, but we were going to have to track the egg inventory at each of their stores and maintain their inventory levels. So we had to train our truck drivers to go into the Costco and take an inventory every time they made a delivery. Then the truck driver brought the count back to our customer service department and they had to write up the order for the next shipment based on the driver's inventory. I had to write a program to track shipments and inventory levels for each store so we could project usage and maintain adequate, but not excessive, levels. They had a strict spoils policy and of course we paid for all the "spoils" (out-of-date eggs).

          By the end of the meeting, they were all cackling maniacally and shoving dildos up our asses. We just sobbed and waited for it to end. What were we going to do? It was a huge account.

          And, also, I once tried to shop there and they asked me for my "papers." I guess you have to have a membership card or something. They have thugs who enforce this, and they dragged me out of the store and threw me to the sidewalk. I begged them and showed them my money, but they only laughed. They didn't want my money. I wasn't the right kind of person.

          Fucking Nazis.

          • UW8316154

            Do you know who *else* was a Na……uh…heh. Never mind.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Imma say….. HITLER!

          • tessiee

            Mel Gibson?

          • tessiee

            Prescott Bush?

          • LionHeartSoyDog

            Very Much, Prescott Bush.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            LOL, those jackbooted Costco Nazi enforcer thugs. The one at my local store is about 4'10" and 65 years old. I'm pretty sure her granddaughter and my kid went to the same Lutheran pre-school, back in the day.

            I should ask her about that, next time she throws me to the pavement and boot-stomps my neck for getting out my membership card too slowly.

      • shastakoala

        Where buying in bulk is what? Our God given right!

        • Doktor Zoom

          Welcome to the monkey house!

          • shastakoala

            Thanks Ponyboy . . . Soda, Two-Bit and the gang say . . . Hey!

          • not that Dewey

            All Hail the RAMJAC Corporation!

          • Doktor Zoom

            Poo tee weet?

    • miss_grundy

      They also carry yummy kettle popcorn which is the most addictive thing, evah! And if you're hungry, nothing beats the samples. You can sample yourself lunch. Does Sam's Club do that?

      • Lot_49

        Probably not! And their wine selection probably isn't nearly as good as Costco's!

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Meh. If you don't need it or you can't use it, don't buy it. I don't think evil means what you think it means.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Seriously. If you want to say consumerism is evil, then we're all guilty to some degree. Costco is the most benign multinational business you'll ever find. It's the customers (myself included) who are evil.

        • BadKitty904

          My brother says Cosco is the "good one," Walmart is the "bad one." But I don't go to either, sooo…

          • LionHeartSoyDog

            I don't buy crap.
            Therefore, i don't shop much in Murka, 'cept for groceries and gasoline.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe he can send out some form letters to pedophiles.

  • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com skmind

    Smart!

    Costco does have that strict 30 day return policy. Returning the supplies he got for his rally attenders to donate to him for Sandy shows how fiscally responsible he is.

    ROMNEY RYAN 2016!

    • GhostBuggy

      "Mr. Romney, what would you like me to get for you to donate to hurricane victims?"

      "Eh, just grab an assload of paper towels. There are puddles in their vestibules or something, right?"

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    He's just like me !! Shit, why didn't I vote for him?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You don't buy beer by the case at Costco, either?

      • rickmaci

        Only a case?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          That's all that fits on my bike handlebars.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Haha, just get one of those kid trailers, and fill it with beer instead.

          • rickmaci

            That's why G_d made cargo shorts with such big pockets.

    • StillGoinGreen

      Nope, no mondo pack of the Charmin – they have the help clean the mutton off the mittens. Else they don't shit – you pick.

    • BadKitty904

      Did he was s'posed to do this traditional schtick BEFORE the election?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Ann claimed Mitt bought his white shirts at Costco. I guess when you're that rich you just wear one and then throw it away. Or donate it to poor Mormons for a tax break at Brooks Brothers prices. But I don't see any white shirts in that cart. He must plan on being unemployed for awhile.

  • GhostBuggy

    Woah, check out Mitt splurging on that high-falutin' brand of paper towel, Towel.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      In fairness, only the help uses paper towels, so he can afford to be stingy

    • Doktor Zoom

      See, an ordinary person spend his life avoiding tense situations. Romneyman spends his life getting into tense situations. Let's go get a drink!

      (Interior: Otto and Bud Ann and Mitt in a store

      BudMitt sets 2 six packs of "drink" down on the counter.)

      • glasspusher

        I bet a can of "food" would taste good with that. No need to put it on a plate, Dok.

        • Beowoof

          A can of Kirkland something Food. No wait that is for the poor old people.

    • Limeylizzie

      I have no idea why that made me laugh so insanely, but it just did , my friend.

      • GhostBuggy

        Aw, thanks.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    And an Elmer Fudd hat, not a stylish Wonkette chapeau.

    • PopeEdgardo

      Let's all chip in and buy him one. I bet it'll cheer him up no end.

      • usuhname

        that was totally going to be my suggestion

  • RadioBitchFace

    Those "quiet rooms" are getting to him.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I guess Mitt needs all those paper towels to mop up their sad, sad tears.

    • glasspusher

      Beat me by an hour. Damn this day job!

      …and yet they still stay strong, even when wet, unlike the Romneys!

      • Mittaplasia

        I doubt that Ann has ever been "wet".

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Ann's just cold cryin' into a bucket these days.

    • fitley

      And baby vomit from the bad Boston Market microwave turkey.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Maybe he will copy Biden and start plagiarizing or have a son serve in the military. Ha ha, just kidding, American Jesus has to keep them safe for each of their failed 12 year runs for president.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Ha, one of the Romney boys in the military? Oh, that's rich.

    • fitley

      Why doesn't Mitt adopt a child to send into the Army? He could adopt him one week shy of his 18th birthday and then off he goes to Afghanistan.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        I think that tradition was started by One L and Marcus. Marcus guarantees that his donations don't have teh ghey.

  • Mittaplasia

    You can tell Mittens never bagged groceries or even packed a suitcase in his life. Meanwhile, Ann stands in the background, occasionally goosing him with a cattle prod.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Yes, manly men are usually proud of their ability to fit half of Costco in one cart.

    • NYNYNYjr

      I think this is him shopping and wearing at baseball hat for the first time ever.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Tip to Mittens: Tacky everyman photo ops usually come before the election is decided.

    • Close_Read

      He clearly craves the attention. Otherwise he'd have Consuelo hit Costco. He probably rushes home to check Twitter to see how quickly the pics went viral.

      Next he'll show up at a miniature golf course.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Have I told you lately how much I love your name and personal description?

      • James Michael Curley

        Emma Peel. Leather. Zippers. That is all.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Mitt will go to a biker bar and have one of the chicks sit on his lap.

    However, he will have been sadly mishandled by his staff and end up at some twee coffeeshop in Cambridge with some rotund chick in spandex crushing his man-bits, talking about deraileurs and fixies.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Don't put these images in my head.

      Now.

      Who's wearing spandex? And speak slowly…

    • HempDogbane

      Brb, have to go clean up.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Fuckin' Cambridge hipsters with their fixies. Grrrrrr….

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Posing for a new line of Wonkette mugs? No, probably not that.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      This photo should go on a Wonket mug. It would go well with a big ol' cuppa schadenfreude.

      • Close_Read

        Nah, Becca is trying to SELL mugs.

        Some Mitten schadenfreude would fly off the shelves, though.

  • ProgressiveInga

    "Losing the Presidency was a Big F*cking Deal!"

  • fartknocker

    The towels are for Mittens and Ann to wipe up the tears of sadness. Or maybe it's to clean up after Rafalca when he take a shit on his new horse elevator.

  • LesBontemps

    Reduced to buying generic paper towels. SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!

    • RedneckMuslin

      He needs Bounty towels- The quicker dicker picker upper.

    • Cleopatriot

      Yes, I built that.

    • usuhname

      thats not the Americuh Mitt knows, that aint even Mexico

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Hey Mitt — the clues are in aisle 12.

    • BadKitty904

      *applauds*

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Indeed.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Ann is all like "I'm staying ten paces behind him because I don't want to be caught *dead* not paying bust out retail"

  • SorosBot

    Did he pick up some hardware stuff?

    • Esteev

      He also got a few groceries from the grocery store.

    • jello_mold

      He's building a nightstand.

  • ProgressiveInga

    “Is that Ann behind him? She looks like she is on Laura Bush style buckets of Valium and Luudes.”

    Ann is powerless over the poors and her life has become unmanageable.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      "But Mitt! You promised I'd have an entire nation of poor children to boss around like that Michelle bitch!"

    • BadKitty904

      "Begone! You have no power here." *Munchkin titters*

      • tessiee

        I'm glad I was sitting down when I read this, or I would have fainted from the sheer awesomeness of it.

  • Esteev

    Photos of Mitt winning an election.

    AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAH

    *passes out* *regains consciousness*

    AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAH

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey
    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Wow, Mitt looks totally hawt with a beard!

    • Geminisunmars

      I woulda voted for that.

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        With votes?

        • Geminisunmars

          With machetes.

    • tessiee

      The only way that article could possibly have been better is if it had also included Hobo Paul Ryan yelling at passing cars.

  • johnnymeatworth

    I can only hope he's going to wrap his Xmas presents with the toilet paper and use the holiday paper to wipe his ass….

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

      My guess is that Ann will make him wipe Rafalca's.

    • tessiee

      Oh yea, right, like Mitt wipes his own ass!
      That's what he has People for.

  • ElPinche

    Why isn't the help shopping for them? Once again, Mittens hates the mescans.

    • Veritas78

      So that Mitt can have the fun of firing the checkout clerk after his order has been rung up.

  • jello_mold

    Lying liar lies, steals ideas and credit; water is wet.

  • Antispandex

    Those aren't even real things! Who ever heard of a comically gianormous package of something called "Towel"? And yes, the hat is…not Presidential…at all.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Joe Biden goes to Costco. He buys a flat screen TV, books, looks like an appliance. He buys presents and gifts for people.

    Mitt Romney goes to Costco. He buys paper towel (sic), fruit juice, wrapping paper, and I think those are napkins under the box. He buys supplies for the help.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    And I thought I had run out of schadenfreude. Nope! Guess not!

    • jello_mold

      Help yourself! More than enough for everyone!!!!! It's like the loaves and the fishes!

      • Nothingisamiss

        Yes.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      It just doesn't end, does it?
      Thanks for the gift that keeps on giving, Mitt!

    • HRH_Maddie

      Turns out I also had a Costco supply of schadenfeude.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Bulk schadenfreude at discount prices!

        • Geminisunmars

          47% off!!

  • hagajim

    I'm sure he's just stocking up his LaJolla home for the apocolypse. You know the Mormons has to keep a year supply of stuff on hand for disasters and all. Mitt just moved back to Cali once the car elevator got finished so he's just cold stocking his supplies as Moroni declared he should.

    • sullivanst

      Apparently they haven't actually started the remodel, so no car elevator yet. Lobbyist must still be busy, though.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Hasn't it been raining for days in California? Must really be helping Egg's depression.

  • carlgt1

    This will make you sad – if Mitt converted his $250 million into gold, at $1700 per ounce, that would be 92 shopping carts each filled with 100 pounds of gold he has to slavishly push around….

    • BadKitty904

      I think he should have to drag 'em around on a chain, like Jacob Marley's ghost…

    • yyyaz

      Just in the interest of the veracity that our Wonkette is so justly famous for, it's even worse. Gold is measured in Troy ounces, ergo, at 12 ozs. to the pound, El Borgero would need 122.5 shopping carts. One weeps at his burden.

      • carlgt1

        thanks for the correction, the full monty is: $250 million * 0.0685714286 troy ounces / pound (avoirdupois) / US$1693.65 per troy ounce as I write this / = 10,121.84 pounds (avoirdupois) of gold gold gold so yeah about 100 shopping carts should do it to cart it away to the car elevator…..

  • CrunchyKnee

    What we can't see from Willard's photo are the several blahs pushing the shopping cart for him. While handsome Joe is cold pushing his loaded cart as if it were the light frilly under-garments of a biker chick.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I hope he has a cart with a wobbly and squeaky wheel.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      "Why do homeless people always get the good shopping carts?"

      • LesBontemps

        They took the first 47%.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I want him to get stuck behind a lardass with two full carts who contests the price of every. single. item., waits until everything is tallied up before digging around in her faux Marc Jacobs feedbag for her "pocketbook," and then proceeds to write a check.

      • BadKitty904

        Don't forget the "coop-ins."

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        I love the ones that pay in cash and they haul out their coin purse so they count out 99 cents in pennies.

    • tessiee

      "I hope he has a cart with a wobbly and squeaky wheel."

      But enough about Ann.
      *ba dum tish*

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    That's not enough towels to wipe Ann's tears.

  • gullywompr

    Next he'll grow his hair long like LBJ did after becoming a civilian again.

  • ProgressiveInga

    I'm concerned about Ann. That's an Isadora Duncan-like scarf she is sporting there. Mitt's not driving a convertible roadster these days, is he?

    • rickmaci

      Audi SUV, I believe.

    • Close_Read

      Yes, I love how she dresses to the nines to go to Costco. Always the queen, eh, Egg?

    • Veritas78

      They don't call him the Boston Strangler for nothing.

  • SorosBot

    Did Mitt get the White Kasuls, cedar cheese, stuf for spaggeti and cakes we like?

    • emmelemm

      Never gets old. (no snark)

    • Veritas78

      Yes, but I'm fairly sure he didn't get cigs for you and me.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I think Mitt should go to a biker bar and hit on the ladies for pretend votes.

  • Disassembly

    Maybe he'll plagiarize from Robert Kennedy. Too soon?

    • sullivanst

      Wouldn't it have to be David Cameron?

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        They shot David Cameron?!

        • sullivanst

          No, that was just a dream.

          (OHJB's plagiarism scandal involved a Neil Kinnock speech; Cameron isn't perfectly analogous because he's PM not Leader of the Opposition, more's the pity, but I figured the right/left alignment was likely more significant.)

  • commiegirl99

    Hey guys, did our servers just get really fast? Aaron at Advomatic says our servers are gonna get really fast. Did they? Huh? Did they? Huh?

    • CrunchyKnee

      There was a mild disruption in the space time continuum, then things started flowing smoothly. So, either your servers are rocking or the DMT I ate for lunch just kicked in. Either way, I has a happy.

    • ProgressiveInga

      If I tell you that you have the fastest servers ever do I get an iPhone?

    • Pragmatist2

      What are they serving?

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I just saw some comments from NEXT WEEK!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I still can't believe the Mayan apocalypse ACTUALLY FOREWHEN HAPPPENEDA!

      • Disassembly

        Did you find out what happens with the physical cliff?

    • SorosBot

      It isn't loading slow at least.

    • gullywompr

      It's decent. Make sure they are careful with the caching, we need up-to-the second comments here. Right now, performance indeed looks better than earlier today.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Faster than they were about an hour ago. But there are too many comments!!11!!

      • NYNYNYjr

        too many comments. Erase some.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Oh fuck yes. I got whiplash from opening this posting. I thought it was our company network and all the lazy, loosers piddling on the Intertubez that were slowing down my Wonkette "work".

    • TootsStansbury

      I have this neat blue phone thing!

    • kittensdontlie

      Those are some crack servers.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      There's only so fast you can go with a 300 baud modem.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I tell kids these days, "When we got the Internet, we had to connect with a "SKREEEEEEEEESKREEEEESCRATCHHHHHHHHHHHHH" sound"…

        • emmelemm

          Do you actually go full-out in emulating the noise, for maximum annoyance?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Yea, altho I had trouble remembering the "WONNNNNNNNKBRAP" noise in the middle.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            Poor Mom. She has dial-up (even after retiring with full benefits from the Bell System). That sound is the only way she knows she is connected. As an aside I have suggested I would get HughesNet installed and pay the bill and she says "No, this is just fine for me. That would be an extravagance. I can make this do just fine."

            Depression era thinking. Maybe that is why she didn't have to work the rest of her life like I fuckin' will have to do.

        • natl_[redacted]_cmdr
        • tessiee

          There should be a Futurama episode where they consult an ancient oracle and it makes that connecting to AOL sound.

        • James Michael Curley

          I used a modem connect signal for a ring tone on my smartass phone for a few weeks. People in the office hated it. But I liked the irritated look of people on the bus because I long ago over dosed on loud cell phones and their equally loud users. (And I have severe hearing impairment.)

        • viennawoods13

          I hadn't even thought of this sound in years. And then not an hour after reading this, I was watching some Craig Ferguson on the youtoobs, and he imitated this very sound.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      There are still times when it takes 3 minutes for a page to refresh.

    • Close_Read

      Things do seem faster. Maybe the new server folks finally stopped trying to divide by zero.

    • BadKitty904

      I think they can now make the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs!

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        But can they run a 4 minute mile, is the question.

    • VodkaGoGo

      It still doesn't load right on my phone. Not that I'm complaining, I miss being able to comment while I'm out and about which is when most of these posts go up.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      For their next magic trick, do you think they could get the "Go to Comment" link to actually go to comment? Can I have that for Christmas, Ma? Huh? Huh??

      • BaldarTFlagass

        No. You'll put your eye out.

    • gullywompr

      Babe, my advice is to really grill your hosting service over this whole Varnish cache thing. It doesn't matter how fast your site is if nobody can get to it and click on the ad thingies.

    • LIT_Fag

      Must have been my email to the tips line yesterday that did it. Quote:

      For the last 3 days, I can't get Wonkette on Safari on the iPhone. Keeps trying to go to that damn touch.wonkette.com site which apparently no longer exists.

      What do I do? Or what can your IT guys do?
      I am heading to IN Saturday. Please, dear Wonk powers-that-be, do not let me be trapped at my moms for 5 days and only dial up and no way to get my Wonkette fix!

      Thank you for your urgent assistance. Also. Too.

      Best regards
      LIT Fag

      Update: thank the babby Jesus! It works!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Define "fast".

    I've already bought it three drinks and not even a wank!

    • jqheywood

      Well-played, sir, well-played…

    • BadKitty904

      *you weirdo* ;0)

  • DrunkIrishman

    This version of Mitt Romney does not quite understand the dynamics of wearing a baseball cap. It's foreign to him. The Hat Chip needs updating. To him, wearing a baseball cap makes about as much sense as wearing a porcupine. So, I give him some leeway on this one.

    But if this continues through the next upgrade … well, heads will roll.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I doubt any hat can contain that hair helmet, much less the gargantuan ego below it.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Next step- working on the one-year supply of houses

  • sullivanst

    The wife walking six paces behind? CREEPING SHARIAH!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I think her name is Ann and I don't think she's quite creeping. More slinking.

      • BadKitty904

        More like "creepy".

    • James Michael Curley

      CREEPING SHARIAH was the "B" side of The Knack's Single.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    I'd go for the AMX. Or maybe a Ford Maverick with a 302 and mag wheels. That'd be sweet.

    • HempDogbane

      Pacer would be true to the family legacy. And kewl !

  • elviouslyqueer

    Ann looks like she's about to gag from the stench of dead common.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      "You people perspire?"

      • tessiee

        How they ever get warm enough to, is a mystery.
        But you know Those People — they never miss a chance to smell bad.
        It must have something to do with that dreadful inexpensive clothing they insist upon wearing.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "QUIT BREATHING MY AIR!!!"

  • Pragmatist2

    Man this pisses me off! The other day there is a story where he order Thanksgiving dinner from Boston Market and now Costco. He's like a guy who wins $200,000,000 in the lottery and announces he will put new siding on his house.It's just an enormous waste of being rich.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, you know, hookers and coke are sort of off the table…

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      She knows how to spend money, though. The clothes aren't attractive, but they're expensive. And those horses don't pay their own vet bills.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Mitt and Ann thought a store that required a membership would be a bit less pedestrian. Bet they won't make that mistake again.

  • Toomush_Infer

    I just want to see the look on Egg's face when he says: "It's a big fucking deal…."

    • Disassembly

      Nah, he'll probably lose his nerve halfway, say fudging, then tell Cratchit that, bad news, he's gotta work Christmas again.

  • DahBoner

    That hat!

    Obama's Drones: Target Acquired. Disengage! Target Has Absolutely No Value Possible Decoy

  • ttommyunger

    At the risk of seeming redundant: Mitt who? C'mon Wonkette, let's hear about some relevant power-players on the Right……….Oh right, crickets.

  • Ruhe

    Why? That's all I can say. Why? I've been around people with crazy wealth on occasion and there's something truly pathetic about seeing people with money shop cost-consciously the way you and I would. What's the point of being rich if you're still going to sweat details like the cost of paper towels?

    • Trinket

      No shit. Plus, I would totally hire someone to go buy the paper towels. Not to mention the rest of the household stuff. And a driver. God, I hate driving.

      Now, see, if *I* were rich, I *would* be a job creator. And I'd pay all my employees six-figure salaries and pay for their health insurance, too.

  • rocktonsam

    thats funny, I saw Paul Ryan buying a jockstrap he CAN carry ,at the Janesville Mall, yuk.

    • VeraSevera

      I'll give you $20 if you can get your hands on that jockstrap. $50 if it's been used.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    "paper plates, dixie cups, wrapping paper, V8 juice drinks, pretzel snacks, Bisquick and bottled water"

    Wow, this is going to be the best Romney Estate Domestic Staff Christmas Party ever!!

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      paper plates, dixie cups

      He doesn't want the help to get their sticky fingers all over the real plates and cups.

    • BadKitty904

      What, no mayo???

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        He bought a 750-oz jar at Costco last week. They're only half-way through it.

  • rickmaci

    OMG. Creepin old hairy white guy in shorts showing pencil legs, just peeking out between the bars of that cart. Man, when the gods strike a man down for his hubris, they really don't fuk around, do they?

    • CrunchyKnee

      Yikes, he is wearing shorts. It's like dude just gave the fuck up.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        The only way it could be worse (better) is if he was wearing black kneehigh socks and dress shoes. There is a phase for this. Uh. Hmmm. Oh. "Lacks self awareness". Maybe?

      • BadKitty904

        I'm tellin' y'all, he's just a step away from goin' full Dick-Nixon and buyin' a metal detector…

        • tessiee

          And then using it on the beach while wearing a suit and tie with polished wing tip oxfords.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Is that a NASA hat on Willard's pointed dome? Ahhhhh, so many jokes, so little time.

    Kolob.

    • TootsStansbury

      Perhaps it says "MASA".

  • FakaktaSouth

    Shopping at CostCo is the first time Mitt has ever supported union workers who make a living wage. Take his money folks, he owes you.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Okay, so you are going to leave this to me? Is this one of those past/future postings???

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Probably got blisters pushing that cart around.

  • NinjaCat_Baba

    Mittens, "Need to stock up on my trip to Kolob to weather the pending 2012 Mayan Apocaylpse."

  • Poindexter718

    Mitt's buying in bulk for all the sisterwives now that he's got no need to hide it.

    Also, that's called TV anchorman hat.

  • rickmaci

    The edited photo does not really give you a full sense of the weird that was happening here.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh man, that is delicious. And lookit Ann trying to be so clever by stashing her case o'Kotex underneath the industrial-sized box of Club crackers.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I think those are adult diapers.

    • Doktor Zoom

      HATS SIMPLY DO NOT GO ON HEADS THAT WAY!!!!!

      • BadKitty904

        Well, not "human" heads, anyways…

    • emmelemm

      Her scarf is so blazingly pink. Ah am blinded.

      • elviouslyqueer

        I'm not going to judge, because I have one exactly like that.

        But then again, I'm GAY, also, too.

        • emmelemm

          I'll allow it.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Well, of course you can sport that and look fabulous. I do have a "Polo" nearly that bright. I am going to wear it to Jury Duty next week.

      • Close_Read

        Both of them, their attire says "KEEP AWAY, PEASANTS."

    • BadKitty904

      This has GOT to be a sign, I tells ya!

      Of what, tho, I dunno, other than a sad, desperate plea for attention…

    • BlueStateLibel

      Holy shit, that is all.

  • kittensdontlie

    Breaker breaker 10-40…I'm flying solo on the left-coast heading for a toll booth with my green stamps. I got too many eggs in my basket and my other half has gotta get home to pop some beans.

    • tessiee

      That means something about teh buttsechs, right?

  • JackDempsey1

    I want to see him use one of those self-scanning check-out things.

    The fascinating confrontation of machine-vs-machine is the principle reason that the "Transformers" franchise is recognized as a masterpiece.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "Could I go first, I just have one item?"

    • BadKitty904

      He'd put his eye out.

  • elviouslyqueer

    You mean this, obvs.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      But, they'd have to shrink it "Fantastic Voyage" style for it to fit. Can water get that hot?

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Maybe Mitt thinks they sell electoral college votes at CostCo.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I had an incredibly strange dream just last night – I'm not making this up – in which Mitt Romney had cut all ties with everyone. He was out wandering America's dusty backroads wearing a sarape and hat just like Clint Eastwood in "A Fistful of Dollars" and giving sermons to the air. No one was paying him much attention.

    • tessiee

      *background music*
      Oooee ooee ooh… womp womp wahhhh…
      And why not, Clint Eastwood's last appearance was giving a sermon to a chair.

    • rickmaci

      That wasn't a dream. That was the Romney Michigan campaign.

  • voodooeconomics

    Mitt drives the truck…he bought that hat in Tennessee at a Pilot Fuel center.

  • not that Dewey

    Oh — he's still alive? Well god bless his soul.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Dead man walkin'!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Why is he wearing a baseball cap at all, if he's gonna wear it way the fuck up on top of his head like that? It looks like one of those silly equestrian skull buckets that you wear while dancing with your horse.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      The hat will fit again as soon as the head swelling goes down.

    • BadKitty904

      Maybe his hair was cold?

  • not that Dewey

    Was Boston Market all out of toilet paper?

  • Disassembly

    Who let the slobs out?

    • tessiee

      Oh, that was me.
      Sorry.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    he built that.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      It's about time he built something.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    "I saved 47% by shopping at Costco!"

    I'm Mitt Romney and I approved this message.

  • GregComlish

    First Boston Market then Costco? What the fuck is going on? Why isn't he having his servants take care of all this? Shouldn't he be hiding in the Cayman Islands?

  • not that Dewey

    Is it really windy inside the Costco? Why is he gritting his teeth like that?

    • BadKitty904

      Rigor mortis, presumably…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Assume servo stuck.

      • not that Dewey

        "Ann! Stop this crazy thing!"

  • Slim_Pickins

    Their domestic staff must have quit in mass.

    • BadKitty904

      Perhaps Bamz freed them!

      • Slim_Pickins

        Bamz freed the Messicans? When?

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      Likely in Mass., also the staff in Cali at LaJolla and the staff in N.H…

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Mitt Romney is a waste of a rich man.

    • emmelemm

      "Don't drink don't smoke what do ya do? …"

    • tessiee

      There was an old "Sylvia" cartoon about a man with low expectations trying to make a deal with the Devil:
      Man: I'd like a a house.
      Devil: WHAT?? You can have wealth! Power! You can buy your own house! You can buy ten houses!
      Man: Also, it should have an attached carport.

  • kakotechnia

    Mitt's going to accidentally be on mic calling something a "big fudgin' deal."

  • Close_Read

    Someone should let Egg know that they don't sell $1000 T-shirts here.

    • tessiee

      Whatever t-shirts they sell at Costco are bound to look better than that eagle-bedecked horror show she thought it was a good idea to wear.

  • cletar

    He needs that giant hogshead of paper towels to wipe up HIS UNENDING SAD TEARS.

    Poor bastard is just this close to getting a presidential loser intervention from Mike Dukakis and Walter Mondale.

  • poperatzo

    I actually had a Gremlin GT when I was in grad school. Man, that car sucked so bad…

  • cletar

    I'm frankly surprised he's getting all those towels. I thought he would just cry into a silver Tiffany tear-bucket, like Newt.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Where is the CostCo checker that would be running after them saying "Sir. Sir. You dropped this bolt and circuit board".

  • fitley

    I wonder if 47%ers ask for his autograph on a unemployment check pay stub?

  • GoodDogThor

    Not Rmoney… that's Warren Beatty prep'ing for his fish-out-of-water buddy comedy "Post Election Mitt goes to Peoria" or "How I learned to relax and stop worrying about the country…".

    • tessiee

      What, did Bruce Campbell want too much money to take the part of Mitt?

  • elfgoldsackring

    Anyone pointed out he's driving an Audi? That's not very 'Murkan.
    http://ll-media.tmz.com/2012/12/04/mitt-romney-co

    • bearperney

      Audi. How freakin' mormon is that? Dude with his money ought to settle for nothing less than an Aston Martin Volante, 510 hp, zero to 60 in 4.3 seconds. Of course, this is the guy who rides on the back of his wife's jet ski, so, meh!

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Pardon me, do you have a 55 gallon drum of Grey Poupon?

  • BlueStateLibel

    That is seriously BAD on so many levels …wearing baseball cap and a weird one at that, generic paper towels, Egg Romney ten feet behind wearing designer duds to go to Costco. The rich are different, yes, they're really weird (see "Grey Gardens," Edith Wharton, etc.).

  • http://parterre.com La_Cieca

    Not judging here, but nobody needs that many paper towels unless fisting is on the agenda.

  • Secluded Compound

    It would be awesome if that was a super-mega-rack of Keystone that was under Ol' Joe's cart.

  • HarryButtle

    Look at that hat! Jeez, do you get a free bowl of soup with that hat? Looks good on Mitt, though…[rolls eyes]

    • BartStarrland

      Ann must've been something before electricity

  • bearperney

    Hey! Ann's cart has a big plastic jar of those square peanut butter filled pretzel things!
    We've got them too, salty crunchy on the outside with dried up peanut butter on the inside… Yum!

  • barto

    At least those paper towels are the right size.

  • http://bln.gs/b/263rcw C_R_Eature

    In that outfit, I can see Mitt in Garth's AMC pacer.

  • http://yunoletmehavecoolwebnameblogspot.blogspot.com/ Jennyjen798

    It's a TRAP! (Of course he's fucking with our heads!) This is a guy who would do or say anything to get elected. He's "slumming" with us poors so he'll have plenty of middle class cred for his next White House run.

    Duhs! He ran a campaign about as well as a high school class president election and still got 47% of the vote. I'm sure his perma employed campaign advisors are telling him, next time we've gotta be more "real." Next time, it's in the bag! Next stop…Taco Bell for a dorito taco supreme and large mountain dew! Anne will cut it with a fork, I imagine.

  • cybermoe

    Tagg punched the Costco cashier in the face. OK, he wanted too.

  • Troglodeity

    And then Ann and Mitt sat down on those greasy Costco plastic chairs and had matching $1.50 Hotdog and Coke combo specials.

  • SaintRond

    Nice to see that super rich people are just like the rest of us — pathetic.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Mitt's picture: I don't care where he spends his post defeat pity party as long as the picture describing thus is not a finger-licking Palin-esque pool side crotch shot.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      As far as I can tell, this Mittstory was started by TMZ, which tells me something.

  • Terry

    So…Mitt the job creator, Mitt the bazillionaire won't create a job or two within his own household?

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Poor Mitt had to find work at some hotel.

  • tessiee

    Ass hat wearing ass hat.

  • malsperanza

    Poor Mitt. Isn't it time to let him and Ann alone? Hey, stop it! Private life is hard. And, you know, it’s an important thing that the Romneys are doing right now and it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this pre-Christmas sale is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to go shopping.

    You You want to try it? Get in the ring. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Ann: No, dumbass, I said you should buy Costco. Not AT Costco.

  • Negropolis

    Mitt is transitioning to that creepy, old Jackson Nicholson stage.

  • redarmyzombie

    Say, is it just me, or does Willard there look like he just came ashore from the SS Date Rape?

  • awwalk56

    Notice in the cart the queen ann sized tissues for monarchy sized crying jags.

  • MrDorkbutt

    Yikes. With the hat and glasses it would appear his next stop would be to the playground to try and touch children.

  • gullywompr

    Well, I imagine they are nice folks who care about people, no doubt they are doing their best. Try to take it easy on your liver during the process.

  • Limeylizzie

    OT Tamron Hall is looking so sexy today, dark nude dress, excellent statement necklace and she has some luminous skin product on her sweet, caramel shoulders, oh and she just showed a really pretty dark coral manicure. Hey I could bend her over the Costco cart as Mitt wheeled us around the store and Anne could use those "Towel" towels to mop up. Am I a lesbian?

  • Roger_of_Arabia

    Maybe Mitt will copy Biden by getting Ann and the kids killed in a car accident since Ryan opened the door to that discussion in the debate.

  • DahBoner

    With that stupid hat, Mitch is stealing my schtick

    I've learned that when you dress like a cowboy/trucker, everyone thinks you're STUPID, which creates low expectations, so everytime I say or do something AVERAGE then they think I'm a GENIUS…

  • Lazy Media

    Mittens, if asked to buy a classic muscle car, would probably buy a Mustang II. "It's 2.0, so it must be better, right?"

  • VeraSevera

    While speaking at a rally, Ann holds out her thumb and forefinger only to realize that she has inadvertently made a reference to the size of Mittens' gizmo. Everyone giggles nervously.

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    Is that a "Fuck you, peasants!" Hermés scarf Ann Toinette Romney is wearing?

    Doesn't Mitt have henchmen valets and footmen to do that kind of thing for him? Has "Downton Abbey" been lying to us about what rich people are like?

  • lulzmonger

    Just leaving this here for teh Doktor.