SPEED WALKING THE YUCATAN PENINSULA  11:40 am December 4, 2012

Jan Brewer Is Your New Mark Sanford Of Unexplained Weird (Sex?) Trips

by Jesse Taylor

jan brewer loves you, hijoLady Governess Janice Brewer of Arizona has left her state on “official business.” Well, let’s be fair: Grand Dame Brewer has left her state for completely unexplained reasons, during which she failed to certify election results, and will be back Saturday, so shut up.

Gov. Jan Brewer has taken a nearly week-long out-of-state work trip that was shrouded in secrecy Monday as she skipped an event to certify election ballots and her spokesman refused to disclose her location.

Brewer spokesman Matthew Benson said in a brief email to The Associated Press that Brewer was unavailable to participate in the general election canvass Monday morning because she was out of the state on official business.

“That is all I can disclose at this time,” Benson added.

Now, you might be reminded of South Carolina Republican lothario Gov. Mark Sanford, who cold boned an Argentinian lady for a while, but pretended he was “hiking the Appalachian Trail” instead when he wanted to leave South Carolina for a while to go have rich sex with her.  Is Jan Brewer going on a sex binge the likes of which Arizona has never seen before? 

It would be irresponsible not to absolutely confirm that this is 100% what is probably happening, unless it’s not. (JOURNALISM.)

Much like all the super anti-gay homophobes who raise millions of dollars to talk about how disgusting gays are, and they totally know because they’ve done all that stuff in the bathroom at Arby’s, Jan Brewer’s fixation on dirty Messicans almost certainly comes with a corresponding amount of obsessive Univision watching.  And by “obsessive Univision watching,” we mean “ordering a vibrator called the Hot Tamale off of Amazon.”

But Jan Brewer may not be out of the state to satisfy her ethnosexual love/hate relationship with the browns.  She may be out of the state to avoid certifying the election of Negro Usurper Barack Obama, which is a completely different and slightly less sexy form of complete bigotry.

However, during the canvass earlier Monday, [Secretary of State and acting Governor Ken] Bennett signed election documents as acting governor while his assistant Jim Drake did so as the acting secretary of state.

House Minority Leader Chad Campbell, D-Phoenix, criticized Brewer’s absence from the canvass, saying it displayed a lack of leadership.

“It is disappointing that the state’s top elected official seems to have such little interest in the results of this election,” he said.

Oh, how we hope you’re face down in Chipotle bags and naked posters of Erik Estrada, Janice. How we hope.

[Arizona Daily Sun]

 
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{ 201 comments }

nounverb911 December 4, 2012 at 11:43 am

Did Brewer finally turn into one of her headless bodies in the desert? (With votes?)

BeefHardcake December 4, 2012 at 12:00 pm

From the looks of her photos, the answer to that would be yes. (That woman personifies the word "dessicated".)

sewollef December 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Hey, Beccs!

Can we start offing people that deserve it again or do we still have to use the analogy/metaphor/whatevs and describe killing 'em [with votes]?

Please.

I'm good friends with a member of the Genovese family [true]. I can make it happen [with *votes*]

Chet Kincaid_ December 4, 2012 at 12:49 pm

If it's not funny, don't do it.

Jus_Wonderin December 4, 2012 at 11:43 am

I bet she was hiking her amphibian tail.

hagajim December 4, 2012 at 11:51 am

The gila monster trail?

Jus_Wonderin December 4, 2012 at 11:54 am

True. But slimey-er

schvitzatura December 5, 2012 at 4:05 am

Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny, beotch.

Terry December 4, 2012 at 11:44 am

She's not on a romance trip. She's traveled out of State to get controversial health or beauty treatments. Jan's not the type for romance. She's getting coffee enemas and a facial peel, or some such thing.

actor212 December 4, 2012 at 11:48 am

A facial peel would require a paint scraper.

ManchuCandidate December 4, 2012 at 11:49 am

Sand blaster.

Jus_Wonderin December 4, 2012 at 11:50 am

Any Caterpillar product.

smokefilledroommate December 4, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Dremel!

BoatOfVelociraptors December 4, 2012 at 12:54 pm

True grit.

hagajim December 4, 2012 at 11:51 am

Or a chisel.

Veritas78 December 4, 2012 at 7:25 pm

And a blow torch.

schvitzatura December 5, 2012 at 4:21 am

Martin Complete Body Hammer And Dolly Set 13 Piece…

vulpes82 December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

Yeah, I'm thinking face lift or chin lift or new dentures or something.

Redgyal December 4, 2012 at 11:54 am

Coffee shouldn't be used in such a vile way.

JustPixelz December 4, 2012 at 11:54 am

Perhaps she's seeking a "second amendment remedy". (I know … with votes, blah blah blah.)

FlownOver December 4, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Somehow John Travolta and Nic Cage come to mind.

emmelemm December 4, 2012 at 1:14 pm

My thoughts exactly. Plastic. Surgery.

nounverb911 December 4, 2012 at 11:44 am

Is Jan "Riding a Burro" into the Grand Canyon?

Mittaplasia December 4, 2012 at 12:01 pm

A burro fell into Jan's "Grand Canyon"? Call PETA, quick; this shit is just WRONG!

Biel_ze_Bubba December 4, 2012 at 3:42 pm

"Riding the burro"? Is that what kids are calling it these days?

ManchuCandidate December 4, 2012 at 11:44 am

She heard that her sister was crushed by a flying house that landed on her. Do you know how hard it is to arrange a flight to Oz without a broomstick?

Texan_Bulldog December 4, 2012 at 11:44 am

My vote is rehab. I think I saw her on Intervention last week.

Or a face lift…

hagajim December 4, 2012 at 11:52 am

Not sure you could find a big enough crane to lift that face.

WhatTheHolyHeck December 4, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Botox. She's busy straining all the bacteria out of that Trader Joe's frozen chicken makhani in preparation.

Ground Zero Mostel December 4, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Curses, you beat me to this!

Barbara_ December 4, 2012 at 11:45 am

I'm sure she's just saved enough Pell mell (unfiltered) coupons to pay for an around the world trip.

JoeHoya December 4, 2012 at 11:45 am

No. Please, God. No. I never want to read the words "Jan Brewer" and "illicit sex" in the same article.

hagajim December 4, 2012 at 11:50 am

Hot, steamy, weathered leather sex, complete with the sound of high friction scraping.

JustPixelz December 4, 2012 at 11:55 am

Pretty sure there ain't enough beer or lube in the world to make that happen.

asterixaverni December 4, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Eeewwwww!! I nearly spewed lunch across my screan just reading that!

hagajim December 4, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Glad I could help.

BaldarTFlagass December 4, 2012 at 11:45 am

She was unexplainably attracted to an elderly man, allegedly because of the onions tied to his belt.

ManchuCandidate December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

Not onions, those were his balls. He was happy to see her!

actor212 December 4, 2012 at 11:55 am

So you're saying she was suffering from the Pon Farrt?

starfanglednut December 4, 2012 at 4:14 pm

cough *nerd* cough

smellypossum December 4, 2012 at 1:08 pm

"Nickles had bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say…. Anyway."

BaldarTFlagass December 4, 2012 at 1:39 pm

And coincidentally, one bee was what she would charge for one beej.

smokefilledroommate December 4, 2012 at 11:46 am

Hawaii– "where is the birf certificut?!!!!!1!"

YouFail4eva December 4, 2012 at 11:57 am

Sadly, I can totally see that. Then again, Sheriff Apoopoo is still in Arizona, right? Doubt she'd be the one to do the investigation.

nounverb911 December 4, 2012 at 11:46 am

Couldn't she just use Qantas?

actor212 December 4, 2012 at 11:46 am

Securing a fresh supply of virgin blood to bathe in, as she's exhausted the supplies in Arizona

Kid_Charlemagne December 4, 2012 at 11:47 am

Please. Thinking of sexytime and that dessicated crone together makes me quite nauseous.

hagajim December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

Hot zombie sex?

BaldarTFlagass December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

Really. If she's willing to show that mug on TV, imagine what the parts of her that aren't shown in public look like.

"What's that wrinkled-up thing on gramma? Oh, it's grampa."

proudgrampa December 4, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Hey, Baldar! grampa libel!

Wrinkled up things need love, too!

Love,

proudgrampa

Mittaplasia December 4, 2012 at 12:06 pm

A picture of her would help if one wanted to give up fapping for Lent. Of course there ARE risks involved, up to and including permanent loss of libido.

EatsBabyDingos December 4, 2012 at 11:47 am

I heard that the Lizardpeople and Sleestaks go into heat the first week of December. They just get in a rut after another election loss.

smokefilledroommate December 4, 2012 at 11:48 am

Maybe she's getting a face transplant.

hagajim December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

Might be better if she got a personality transplant.

GeorgiaBurning December 4, 2012 at 1:58 pm

This time, use a mammalian donor

GunToting[Redacted] December 4, 2012 at 11:48 am

Wherever she is, can you keep her? PLEASE?!?

kissawookiee December 4, 2012 at 11:49 am

Honey child, it's hard enough to keep my breakfast down most mornings, seeing as how I actually live in godforsaken Arizona. No need to compound that with images of Sheriff Joe (or one of his pink panty-clad charges) randomly pokin' round the many many folds and wrinkles Jan has on offer in hopes of hitting glory.

YouFail4eva December 4, 2012 at 11:58 am

I'm really, really sorry. Maybe things will get better in 2016. Maybe?

DCBloom December 4, 2012 at 11:49 am

Face lift. I hope she comes back all stretched with big ol collagen lips. That would be hilarious.

eggsacklywright December 4, 2012 at 11:55 am

And size 42 DDs.

BadKitty904 December 4, 2012 at 12:03 pm
not that Dewey December 4, 2012 at 11:49 am

Perhaps Stephen Segall "bulldozed" her "house".

An Asexual Ungulate December 4, 2012 at 11:49 am

The image of Gov. Leather Handbag with "The Hot Tamale" just made me throw up a little in my mouth. Thanks for that.

BaldarTFlagass December 4, 2012 at 11:49 am

Maybe she's off getting a sample of Juan McCain's chorizo.

LesBontemps December 4, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I don't think that would be good news for John McCain.

hagajim December 4, 2012 at 11:49 am

If I was with Brewer, I would not, could not screw her, because her face is that of a shrewer.

smokefilledroommate December 4, 2012 at 11:52 am

Not to mention, she smells like a sewer–that Mexican food seems to run right through her.

Mapmonger December 4, 2012 at 1:50 pm

How could anyone do 'er?

BaldarTFlagass December 4, 2012 at 11:50 am

She's sequestered herself to study for her G.E.D.

el_donaldo December 4, 2012 at 11:50 am

I think what happened was inevitable: walking about outside, she briefly left the protection of her security cordon – maybe she stumbled a little on her high heels, maybe she just needed a little air, or she saw something she wanted to take a closer look at – and a tired, hungry undocumented day laborer mistook her for a really big piece of beef jerky.

Tragic, and yet appropriate.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Maybe she forgot her papers, and got picked up on reasonable suspicion.

smokefilledroommate December 4, 2012 at 11:51 am

She's visiting her family of Gila Monsters.

actor212 December 4, 2012 at 11:54 am

"Cousin Godzilla! How are you?"

vulpes82 December 4, 2012 at 11:54 am

Where are the singing mechanic/tow truck drivers and their polio-riddled sisters when we need them?

JustPixelz December 4, 2012 at 11:52 am

This is the kind of scoop The Daily Caller lurves to cover, except Brewer is Repubican so … crickets.

“That is all I can disclose at this time,” Benson added. Careful there Bensen. That kind of talk got Susan Rice 24×7 coverage on Fux News.

What a coincidence! I'm also performing "official duties" by writing this comment during work hours.

smokefilledroommate December 4, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Brewer herself is so… crickets.

schvitzatura December 5, 2012 at 4:26 am

ROBERT GUILLAUME LIBELS!!1!

ttommyunger December 4, 2012 at 11:52 am

No doubt having the cobwebs, bats and guano cleaned out of her pee-crusted twat.

drbill0620 December 4, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Beautiful. Do you mean some kind of power wash thang??

ttommyunger December 4, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Mucho power compadre!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

mavenmaven December 4, 2012 at 11:52 am

More likely Betty Ford than Mark Sanford.

rickmaci December 4, 2012 at 11:58 am

My bet too.

PubOption December 4, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I suppose that appearing dried-out would be a good disguise for an alcoholic.

corthylio December 4, 2012 at 1:00 pm

^This.

kittensdontlie December 4, 2012 at 11:52 am

Hiker safety is paramount. There would be no greater misfortune for a brown, than falling into her grand canyon.

Ruhe December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

I recall that the beginning of the end for Sanford was when competent calendar readers noted that the day he was supposedly hiking was also National Hike the App. Trail Naked day and the Governor couldn't admit to having done that. With that in mind I immediately googled the following phrases:

National Blow a wet-back day.
National go to Chipotle naked day.
National Right-to-snub-the-Kenyan day.

The last one elicited several hits.

EatsBabyDingos December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

Oh Wonkette, you tease me with the Nuvaring ad right below Brewer's head and torso, juuust about where Jan's artificial hoo haa might be, if she weren't double anused.

Rotundo_ December 4, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Two of them, because one just isn't enough for Jan.

randcoolcatdaddy December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

She has to meet with Orly Taitz before certifying the election results. And she's stopping by a salon to get fly parts scrapped off her lizard tongue before she heads home.

YasserArraFeck December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

Out searching for Her Precioussssss……..

smokefilledroommate December 4, 2012 at 11:55 am

skin of child..

weejee December 4, 2012 at 11:53 am

Pix of ol' leathernecked and a burro in 3, 2, 1…

CrunchyKnee December 4, 2012 at 11:54 am

The thought of Brewer and sex is such a boner killer that I may need copious amounts of Internet "stimuli" to ever get it up again. Sob.

Weenus299 December 4, 2012 at 11:54 am

the Appalachian Trail equivalent would be white-water rafting the Colorado. So, we hear that we know she's doodling a Messican jefe.

raygotaway December 4, 2012 at 11:55 am

She's in L.A. for industrial strength botox, a bitcherectomy and a wheatgrass enema.

Redgyal December 4, 2012 at 11:55 am

Maybe Faux News offered to be "all inside" for her 2016 presidential bid?

YouFail4eva December 4, 2012 at 11:59 am

Oh god, the innuendo. Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP!

Steverino247 December 4, 2012 at 11:56 am

She's getting her right index finger lengthened for the next Presidential visit.

Estproph December 4, 2012 at 11:57 am

Why does she always look like she's just sucked off a lemon?

BadKitty904 December 4, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Bile is bitter.

Blueb4sinrise December 4, 2012 at 11:58 am

I think she's gathering supporters in Sun City and planning a revolicion!!!
http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics

AHEM! Also too.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

"Secretary of State Ken Bennett said he understands Brewer believes that the two years she spent finishing off Democrat Janet Napolitano's term do not count toward the two-term limit voters mandated in 1992.
Brewer, elected in her own right at the 2010 election, is saying she could run again in 2014 if she wants, although she has not yet decided if she will."

Hmm … who else do we know who didn't serve a full term as governor?

YouFail4eva December 4, 2012 at 11:59 am

There's a pattern here. The fuck is a finecracker? And if it's sexy, where do I get one?

SorosBot November 28, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Barack should open the meeting with "Hey Mitt, welcome to Loserville, population: you!"

Rufus T. Firefly December 4, 2012 at 12:01 pm

There is no vibrator called The Hot Tamale on Amazon. I checked.

And, no, I would definitely not hit that.

smitallica December 4, 2012 at 12:02 pm

ANY way this woman has sex (ew) would be the likes of which no one has ever seen before.

BaldarTFlagass December 4, 2012 at 12:03 pm

She's gone walkabout with Carlos Castaneda.

pdiddycornchips December 4, 2012 at 12:05 pm

She;s probably just moulting.

PopeEdgardo December 4, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I thought reptiles shed their skins.

BaldarTFlagass December 4, 2012 at 12:07 pm

She had an appointment at teh beauty salon. http://www.starscolor.com/images/katherine-helmon
Maybe she's getting a "Brazil"-ian.

smokefilledroommate December 4, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I don't even want to think about her Harry Buttle.

raygotaway December 4, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Ain't enough anti-gag meds for the waxer in all the world.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Trying to improve her looks? That does fit with the week-long time frame.

Chet Kincaid_ December 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

She is in Jamaica, trying to get her groove back by consummating her insane crush on Usain Bolt. Fortunately, he is a professional at running away.

zippy_w_pinhead December 4, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Oh puh leeze!1! Everyone her in AZ knows that there is no entity on the planet with a pulse that would consent to having sexytime with the wicked witch of the west. The closest she could ever get to her own Mexican cabana boy would be the worm at the bottom of the mezcal bottle, which is why speculation is rampant here that she's doing a seven day stint in rehab…

Mittaplasia December 4, 2012 at 12:15 pm

OT, but I just read on Yahoo News that North Korean archaelogists have discovered a unicorn lair, throwing my entire (dis)belief system into chaos. Now I will have to see pony pictures for the next 17 days but it could be worse. Thank you, Mayans.

actor212 December 4, 2012 at 12:18 pm
prommie December 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Hah, thats nothing, I heard that the Laffer curve has been sighted by explorers deep in the Amazonian jungle, while in other news of the mythological, researchers at the Cato institute are working on a new imaginary figment collider which they beleive will be able to detect the up-till-now "Invisible" Hand!

PopeEdgardo December 4, 2012 at 1:33 pm

God I hate the fucking Cato Institute! My work takes me to an aggregator that occasionally links to one of their contributions to knowledge. I can’t imagine a more thoroughly despicable coven of lying shitsacks in the solar system. I hope these fuckers all die in terrible pain for lack of health care! These people are first in line for the guillotine when the time comes and I’m going to be there with bells on! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

(Sorry, I’ll be quiet now.)

Mittaplasia December 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Remember Ann telling Mitt to "talk to the hand"? Thank Soros this wasn't discovered until AFTER the election.

smokefilledroommate December 4, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Somebody brought that up to Dok a few days back.. Lemme see if I can find it.
In this thread although it's not letting me link to the specific comment.
It was BadKitty– (the only reason I bring it up is because it made me laugh so hard).

gullywompr December 4, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I'll bet Docktor Zoom could find a unicorn or two for us…

Katydid December 4, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Two words: ass surgery.

Chet Kincaid_ December 4, 2012 at 12:19 pm

If you remove "ass" from Jan Brewer, you have nothing left.

larrykat December 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Or maybe just the stick that is in it.

PopeEdgardo December 4, 2012 at 1:46 pm

What part of this ass do you think is having surgery?

Chet Kincaid_ December 4, 2012 at 12:17 pm

She is having a few nicks and dents Bondo'd.

stitch94133 December 4, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Jan Brewer naked! My eyes, my eyes! They burn!!!

T3rbo December 4, 2012 at 12:20 pm

She is probably just getting one of her treatments, which involves drinking the blood of messican virgins and eating one or two of their hearts. Normal lizard people stuff

larrykat December 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm

My money is on her returning and looking like Kenny Rogers.

proudgrampa December 4, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I just saw a billboard with his picture on it. Holy Crap!

Dat dude ugly!

Rotundo_ December 4, 2012 at 5:46 pm

From the waist up or the waist down?

drbill0620 December 4, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Kenny? Before or after??

Barrelhse December 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Which wrinkle do ya stick it into?

Blueb4sinrise December 4, 2012 at 12:23 pm

AOTK

BaldarTFlagass December 4, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Roll her around in flour; target = wet spot.

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 4, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Are you kidding? That lady uses her twat to dehydrate fruit.

prommie December 4, 2012 at 12:22 pm

That poor Sanford guy was genuinely sincerely in LOOOVE though. It was kinda touching. Kinda like that King of England and the Wallis and Grommet or whatever story. Abdicating for the love of his life. Fucking Romance!

FakaktaSouth December 4, 2012 at 12:40 pm

HOLY SHIT, I actually wrote this whole snotty retort here – because I love Wallace Simpson – about how this is NOT like that and how gross Mark Sanford is, but I'll be damned, when I checked myself I was surprised to see that he and that Argentinian hottie are engaged. Damn damn damn sometimes shit works out. Fucking Romance.

prommie December 4, 2012 at 12:49 pm

You realize that soon, you also will become ineligible to marry the king of England? I hope you have thought this all through!

Chet Kincaid_ December 4, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I think it is all more like Davey & Goliath & Bathsheba.

4TheTurnstiles December 4, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I wish this were the answer:
http://www.peyoteway.org/

copiki December 4, 2012 at 12:24 pm

That crypt is not going to keep itself.

Beowoof December 4, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Well the only thing that would have sex with her would be the Crypt Keeper and from the looks of it, those two are made for each other.

MARCdMan December 4, 2012 at 12:24 pm

She's gone Galt!

T3rbo December 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

WHO IS JOHN GALT??????

BZ1 December 4, 2012 at 12:25 pm

The image I have is the two skeletor lookalikes, Rickie Scott and Brewer making out. Ugh.

Exhausted66 December 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Sex requires moisture.

Sharkey December 4, 2012 at 1:21 pm
RadioBitchFace December 4, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I never fucked a catcher's mitt before.

T3rbo December 4, 2012 at 12:35 pm

In soviet obamerica, catchers mitt fucks YOU

BaldarTFlagass December 4, 2012 at 12:37 pm

"One time, at spring training…"

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 4, 2012 at 12:40 pm

That's what the oils for.

RadioBitchFace December 4, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Watch out for the catcher's mask.

PopeEdgardo December 4, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Oh come on, we've all had a go at the old Rawlings at least once.

gullywompr December 4, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Wait, I thought us liberals were above criticizing a woman's looks or sexual activities?

Ha ha, just kidding! Go nuts, you guys!

Tio_Doidinho December 4, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Female lizards don't count?

johnnyzhivago December 4, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Become Dr. Who's new sidekick????

Oblios_Cap December 4, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Dear god, no!

DCBloom December 4, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Oh hell no

Shellwith2Ls December 4, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Dr. Who is hanging out with Silurians now?!

BadKitty904 December 4, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Dang, talk about "Kiss of the Spider Woman"…

DahBoner December 4, 2012 at 12:35 pm

GAAK.

fuflans December 4, 2012 at 12:39 pm

i hope secret service is coming to remind her of that wagging finger.

don't you be dissing my prez bitch.

iburl December 4, 2012 at 12:39 pm

She's obviously in rehab for being a witchy old scold-a-holic

BaldarTFlagass December 4, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I think she's off trying to track down them two kids that ate part of her gingerbread house.

BoatOfVelociraptors December 4, 2012 at 12:52 pm

One would think that proper usage of the "hot tamale" would result in double vision, as opposed to Univision.

An_Outhouse December 4, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I hope she hasn't had an experience similar to Madalyn Murray O'Hair. (In 1995 she was kidnapped, murdered, and her body mutilated)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madalyn_Murray_O%27H

prommie December 4, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I bet she has gone to get that procedure to pull it back up in where it belongs. So it doesn't hang like sleave of wizard.

TootsStansbury December 4, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Ugh. Checking in and seeing that mug on the front page is worse than the fat headed wierdo from yesterday.

HouseOfTheBlueLights December 4, 2012 at 1:04 pm

She's having her sex change reversed.

Mittaplasia December 4, 2012 at 1:47 pm

From what to what?

SayItWithWookies December 4, 2012 at 1:04 pm

We'll know Governor Brewer was on some sort of sex tour of the bearded lady at the circus is walking funny next week.

corthylio December 4, 2012 at 1:07 pm

The GOP has finally realized that brown-skinned people can vote, and is "modernizing" their "approach" to "reach out" to these voters. She's in a reeducation camp.

Chet Kincaid_ December 4, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Perhaps she has gone to visit the other Gorgon sisters in Greece for the Holidays?

smellypossum December 4, 2012 at 1:10 pm

One week out of every year: Chupacabra.

Sharkey December 4, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Shouldn't we alert the authorities? Oh wait…

Tio_Doidinho December 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm

So THAT'S what the kids are calling it these days?

LesBontemps December 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Wilbur Mills libel!

Tio_Doidinho December 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Post-election self-realization retreat. She'll come back as an ardent Noam Chomsky supporter.

Or, something involving Tijuana and a donkey.

smokefilledroommate December 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm

She could be on a quest to find new friends.

DocChaos December 4, 2012 at 1:43 pm

With over 3 billion penises in the world I suppose there are one or two that wouldn't shrivel up and hide like a turtle head in Gov. Brewers presence, but I'd rather not consider it.

I'm thinking rehab.

HarryButtle December 4, 2012 at 1:47 pm

She's hiking the Apache Trail!
http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=apache+trail&…

I camp in these mountains a lot. On one of the most prominent trailhead signs, in big black Sharpie letters is says "JAN BREWER SUCKS" And it wasn't even me who wrote it!

Flat_Earther December 4, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Is "Otis" getting cured from the Wild Turkey?

Pap Finn December 4, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Gotta be rehab – just look at that picture. Hell, just look at any picture of her ever taken, anywhere, including her damned baby pictures.

dennis1943 December 4, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Sex and Brewer in the same sentence…?…..shame on you…..

elgin_pelican December 4, 2012 at 2:59 pm

C'mon folks – we're better than this. Making fun of someone's appearance because they look like an dried apple head doll is beneath us.

thejazzmonger December 4, 2012 at 3:15 pm

She is being fitted with a new, updated version, of her hair-helmet.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Just askin' here, but . . . how the hell can a governor be out attending to the people's business, without tellling the people what the fuck she's up to?

VeraSevera December 4, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Face lift! Face lift! Please let her come back with that reptile skin as tight as a drum!

barto December 4, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Can we please never put "Jan Brewer" and "sex" in the same sentence again? Thank you.

NinjaCat_Baba December 4, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Jan "The Skeltor" Brewer is either probably:
- Sequestering herself at Tikal to do a cermony by sacrifice an anchor baby to renew her several once in 5125-year-long to maintain her life.
– Bathing in the blood from headless bodies she found while hiking in the Arizona desert to maintain her youth or….
- She really Lady Cassandra O'Brien.Δ17 – 'being moisturized by her manservents with water'

lochnessmonster December 4, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Um… "state business" that is going on should be known to the ppl who pay her salary. Talk about transparency….thick as mud.

YasserArraFeck December 4, 2012 at 6:03 pm

She's auditioning for the next remake of "V"

MistaEko December 4, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Fools! She's just driving the suicide vest maker to the safehouse, but snapping his neck cuz he fled!

/Homeland'd

C_R_Eature December 4, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Perhaps she's just got a bad case of Hyperemesis?
That would explain a lot.

OldRedneck December 4, 2012 at 7:23 pm

She's probably checking into the Betty Ford Center. After all, Brewer is known around Aridzona as "the town drunk."

According to people close to her, she keeps a bottle of hooch in her desk drawer and nip, nip, nip all day long; she is devoted to 3, 4, 5 martini lunches; and, her staffers often have to support her so she doesn't stumble during afternoon appearances.

Veritas78 December 4, 2012 at 8:51 pm

This would not surprise me in the least, and it explains a lot.

glamourdammerung December 4, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Since she got pulled over for drunk driving before and well, her general behavior, I am going with a guess of "rehab".

deliman4 December 4, 2012 at 8:19 pm

She's banging Joe Arpaio !!

cybermoe December 4, 2012 at 9:08 pm

She is fetching.

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