speed walking the yucatan peninsula

Jan Brewer Is Your New Mark Sanford Of Unexplained Weird (Sex?) Trips

jan brewer loves you, hijoLady Governess Janice Brewer of Arizona has left her state on “official business.” Well, let’s be fair: Grand Dame Brewer has left her state for completely unexplained reasons, during which she failed to certify election results, and will be back Saturday, so shut up.

Gov. Jan Brewer has taken a nearly week-long out-of-state work trip that was shrouded in secrecy Monday as she skipped an event to certify election ballots and her spokesman refused to disclose her location.

Brewer spokesman Matthew Benson said in a brief email to The Associated Press that Brewer was unavailable to participate in the general election canvass Monday morning because she was out of the state on official business.

“That is all I can disclose at this time,” Benson added.

Now, you might be reminded of South Carolina Republican lothario Gov. Mark Sanford, who cold boned an Argentinian lady for a while, but pretended he was “hiking the Appalachian Trail” instead when he wanted to leave South Carolina for a while to go have rich sex with her.  Is Jan Brewer going on a sex binge the likes of which Arizona has never seen before? 

It would be irresponsible not to absolutely confirm that this is 100% what is probably happening, unless it’s not. (JOURNALISM.)

Much like all the super anti-gay homophobes who raise millions of dollars to talk about how disgusting gays are, and they totally know because they’ve done all that stuff in the bathroom at Arby’s, Jan Brewer’s fixation on dirty Messicans almost certainly comes with a corresponding amount of obsessive Univision watching.  And by “obsessive Univision watching,” we mean “ordering a vibrator called the Hot Tamale off of Amazon.”

But Jan Brewer may not be out of the state to satisfy her ethnosexual love/hate relationship with the browns.  She may be out of the state to avoid certifying the election of Negro Usurper Barack Obama, which is a completely different and slightly less sexy form of complete bigotry.

However, during the canvass earlier Monday, [Secretary of State and acting Governor Ken] Bennett signed election documents as acting governor while his assistant Jim Drake did so as the acting secretary of state.

House Minority Leader Chad Campbell, D-Phoenix, criticized Brewer’s absence from the canvass, saying it displayed a lack of leadership.

“It is disappointing that the state’s top elected official seems to have such little interest in the results of this election,” he said.

Oh, how we hope you’re face down in Chipotle bags and naked posters of Erik Estrada, Janice. How we hope.

[Arizona Daily Sun]

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    1. BeefHardcake

      From the looks of her photos, the answer to that would be yes. (That woman personifies the word "dessicated".)

    2. sewollef

      Hey, Beccs!

      Can we start offing people that deserve it again or do we still have to use the analogy/metaphor/whatevs and describe killing 'em [with votes]?


      I'm good friends with a member of the Genovese family [true]. I can make it happen [with *votes*]

  1. Terry

    She's not on a romance trip. She's traveled out of State to get controversial health or beauty treatments. Jan's not the type for romance. She's getting coffee enemas and a facial peel, or some such thing.

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        Botox. She's busy straining all the bacteria out of that Trader Joe's frozen chicken makhani in preparation.

  2. JoeHoya

    No. Please, God. No. I never want to read the words "Jan Brewer" and "illicit sex" in the same article.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    She was unexplainably attracted to an elderly man, allegedly because of the onions tied to his belt.

    1. YouFail4eva

      Sadly, I can totally see that. Then again, Sheriff Apoopoo is still in Arizona, right? Doubt she'd be the one to do the investigation.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Really. If she's willing to show that mug on TV, imagine what the parts of her that aren't shown in public look like.

      "What's that wrinkled-up thing on gramma? Oh, it's grampa."

    2. Mittaplasia

      A picture of her would help if one wanted to give up fapping for Lent. Of course there ARE risks involved, up to and including permanent loss of libido.

  4. EatsBabyDingos

    I heard that the Lizardpeople and Sleestaks go into heat the first week of December. They just get in a rut after another election loss.

  5. kissawookiee

    Honey child, it's hard enough to keep my breakfast down most mornings, seeing as how I actually live in godforsaken Arizona. No need to compound that with images of Sheriff Joe (or one of his pink panty-clad charges) randomly pokin' round the many many folds and wrinkles Jan has on offer in hopes of hitting glory.

  6. An Asexual Ungulate

    The image of Gov. Leather Handbag with "The Hot Tamale" just made me throw up a little in my mouth. Thanks for that.

  7. el_donaldo

    I think what happened was inevitable: walking about outside, she briefly left the protection of her security cordon – maybe she stumbled a little on her high heels, maybe she just needed a little air, or she saw something she wanted to take a closer look at – and a tired, hungry undocumented day laborer mistook her for a really big piece of beef jerky.

    Tragic, and yet appropriate.

  8. JustPixelz

    This is the kind of scoop The Daily Caller lurves to cover, except Brewer is Repubican so … crickets.

    “That is all I can disclose at this time,” Benson added. Careful there Bensen. That kind of talk got Susan Rice 24×7 coverage on Fux News.

    What a coincidence! I'm also performing "official duties" by writing this comment during work hours.

  9. kittensdontlie

    Hiker safety is paramount. There would be no greater misfortune for a brown, than falling into her grand canyon.

  10. Ruhe

    I recall that the beginning of the end for Sanford was when competent calendar readers noted that the day he was supposedly hiking was also National Hike the App. Trail Naked day and the Governor couldn't admit to having done that. With that in mind I immediately googled the following phrases:

    National Blow a wet-back day.
    National go to Chipotle naked day.
    National Right-to-snub-the-Kenyan day.

    The last one elicited several hits.

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    Oh Wonkette, you tease me with the Nuvaring ad right below Brewer's head and torso, juuust about where Jan's artificial hoo haa might be, if she weren't double anused.

  12. randcoolcatdaddy

    She has to meet with Orly Taitz before certifying the election results. And she's stopping by a salon to get fly parts scrapped off her lizard tongue before she heads home.

  13. CrunchyKnee

    The thought of Brewer and sex is such a boner killer that I may need copious amounts of Internet "stimuli" to ever get it up again. Sob.

  14. Weenus299

    the Appalachian Trail equivalent would be white-water rafting the Colorado. So, we hear that we know she's doodling a Messican jefe.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Secretary of State Ken Bennett said he understands Brewer believes that the two years she spent finishing off Democrat Janet Napolitano's term do not count toward the two-term limit voters mandated in 1992.
      Brewer, elected in her own right at the 2010 election, is saying she could run again in 2014 if she wants, although she has not yet decided if she will."

      Hmm … who else do we know who didn't serve a full term as governor?

  15. zippy_w_pinhead

    Oh puh leeze!1! Everyone her in AZ knows that there is no entity on the planet with a pulse that would consent to having sexytime with the wicked witch of the west. The closest she could ever get to her own Mexican cabana boy would be the worm at the bottom of the mezcal bottle, which is why speculation is rampant here that she's doing a seven day stint in rehab…

  16. Mittaplasia

    OT, but I just read on Yahoo News that North Korean archaelogists have discovered a unicorn lair, throwing my entire (dis)belief system into chaos. Now I will have to see pony pictures for the next 17 days but it could be worse. Thank you, Mayans.

    1. prommie

      Hah, thats nothing, I heard that the Laffer curve has been sighted by explorers deep in the Amazonian jungle, while in other news of the mythological, researchers at the Cato institute are working on a new imaginary figment collider which they beleive will be able to detect the up-till-now "Invisible" Hand!

      1. PopeEdgardo

        God I hate the fucking Cato Institute! My work takes me to an aggregator that occasionally links to one of their contributions to knowledge. I can’t imagine a more thoroughly despicable coven of lying shitsacks in the solar system. I hope these fuckers all die in terrible pain for lack of health care! These people are first in line for the guillotine when the time comes and I’m going to be there with bells on! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

        (Sorry, I’ll be quiet now.)

      2. Mittaplasia

        Remember Ann telling Mitt to "talk to the hand"? Thank Soros this wasn't discovered until AFTER the election.

  17. T3rbo

    She is probably just getting one of her treatments, which involves drinking the blood of messican virgins and eating one or two of their hearts. Normal lizard people stuff

  18. prommie

    That poor Sanford guy was genuinely sincerely in LOOOVE though. It was kinda touching. Kinda like that King of England and the Wallis and Grommet or whatever story. Abdicating for the love of his life. Fucking Romance!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      HOLY SHIT, I actually wrote this whole snotty retort here – because I love Wallace Simpson – about how this is NOT like that and how gross Mark Sanford is, but I'll be damned, when I checked myself I was surprised to see that he and that Argentinian hottie are engaged. Damn damn damn sometimes shit works out. Fucking Romance.

      1. prommie

        You realize that soon, you also will become ineligible to marry the king of England? I hope you have thought this all through!

    1. Beowoof

      Well the only thing that would have sex with her would be the Crypt Keeper and from the looks of it, those two are made for each other.

  19. gullywompr

    Wait, I thought us liberals were above criticizing a woman's looks or sexual activities?

    Ha ha, just kidding! Go nuts, you guys!

  20. BoatOfVelociraptors

    One would think that proper usage of the "hot tamale" would result in double vision, as opposed to Univision.

  21. prommie

    I bet she has gone to get that procedure to pull it back up in where it belongs. So it doesn't hang like sleave of wizard.

  22. TootsStansbury

    Ugh. Checking in and seeing that mug on the front page is worse than the fat headed wierdo from yesterday.

  23. corthylio

    The GOP has finally realized that brown-skinned people can vote, and is "modernizing" their "approach" to "reach out" to these voters. She's in a reeducation camp.

  24. Tio_Doidinho

    Post-election self-realization retreat. She'll come back as an ardent Noam Chomsky supporter.

    Or, something involving Tijuana and a donkey.

  25. DocChaos

    With over 3 billion penises in the world I suppose there are one or two that wouldn't shrivel up and hide like a turtle head in Gov. Brewers presence, but I'd rather not consider it.

    I'm thinking rehab.

  26. Pap Finn

    Gotta be rehab – just look at that picture. Hell, just look at any picture of her ever taken, anywhere, including her damned baby pictures.

  27. elgin_pelican

    C'mon folks – we're better than this. Making fun of someone's appearance because they look like an dried apple head doll is beneath us.

  28. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Just askin' here, but . . . how the hell can a governor be out attending to the people's business, without tellling the people what the fuck she's up to?

  29. NinjaCat_Baba

    Jan "The Skeltor" Brewer is either probably:
    – Sequestering herself at Tikal to do a cermony by sacrifice an anchor baby to renew her several once in 5125-year-long to maintain her life.
    – Bathing in the blood from headless bodies she found while hiking in the Arizona desert to maintain her youth or….
    She really Lady Cassandra O'Brien.Δ17 – 'being moisturized by her manservents with water'

  30. lochnessmonster

    Um… "state business" that is going on should be known to the ppl who pay her salary. Talk about transparency….thick as mud.

  31. MistaEko

    Fools! She's just driving the suicide vest maker to the safehouse, but snapping his neck cuz he fled!


  32. OldRedneck

    She's probably checking into the Betty Ford Center. After all, Brewer is known around Aridzona as "the town drunk."

    According to people close to her, she keeps a bottle of hooch in her desk drawer and nip, nip, nip all day long; she is devoted to 3, 4, 5 martini lunches; and, her staffers often have to support her so she doesn't stumble during afternoon appearances.

  33. glamourdammerung

    Since she got pulled over for drunk driving before and well, her general behavior, I am going with a guess of "rehab".

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