jan brewer loves you, hijoLady Governess Janice Brewer of Arizona has left her state on “official business.” Well, let’s be fair: Grand Dame Brewer has left her state for completely unexplained reasons, during which she failed to certify election results, and will be back Saturday, so shut up.

Gov. Jan Brewer has taken a nearly week-long out-of-state work trip that was shrouded in secrecy Monday as she skipped an event to certify election ballots and her spokesman refused to disclose her location.

Brewer spokesman Matthew Benson said in a brief email to The Associated Press that Brewer was unavailable to participate in the general election canvass Monday morning because she was out of the state on official business.

“That is all I can disclose at this time,” Benson added.

Now, you might be reminded of South Carolina Republican lothario Gov. Mark Sanford, who cold boned an Argentinian lady for a while, but pretended he was “hiking the Appalachian Trail” instead when he wanted to leave South Carolina for a while to go have rich sex with her.  Is Jan Brewer going on a sex binge the likes of which Arizona has never seen before? 

It would be irresponsible not to absolutely confirm that this is 100% what is probably happening, unless it’s not. (JOURNALISM.)

Much like all the super anti-gay homophobes who raise millions of dollars to talk about how disgusting gays are, and they totally know because they’ve done all that stuff in the bathroom at Arby’s, Jan Brewer’s fixation on dirty Messicans almost certainly comes with a corresponding amount of obsessive Univision watching.  And by “obsessive Univision watching,” we mean “ordering a vibrator called the Hot Tamale off of Amazon.”

But Jan Brewer may not be out of the state to satisfy her ethnosexual love/hate relationship with the browns.  She may be out of the state to avoid certifying the election of Negro Usurper Barack Obama, which is a completely different and slightly less sexy form of complete bigotry.

However, during the canvass earlier Monday, [Secretary of State and acting Governor Ken] Bennett signed election documents as acting governor while his assistant Jim Drake did so as the acting secretary of state.

House Minority Leader Chad Campbell, D-Phoenix, criticized Brewer’s absence from the canvass, saying it displayed a lack of leadership.

“It is disappointing that the state’s top elected official seems to have such little interest in the results of this election,” he said.

Oh, how we hope you’re face down in Chipotle bags and naked posters of Erik Estrada, Janice. How we hope.

[Arizona Daily Sun]

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  • nounverb911

    Did Brewer finally turn into one of her headless bodies in the desert? (With votes?)

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I bet she was hiking her amphibian tail.

    • hagajim

      The gila monster trail?

      • Jus_Wonderin

        True. But slimey-er

    • schvitzatura

      Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny, beotch.

  • Terry

    She's not on a romance trip. She's traveled out of State to get controversial health or beauty treatments. Jan's not the type for romance. She's getting coffee enemas and a facial peel, or some such thing.

    • A facial peel would require a paint scraper.

      • Sand blaster.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Any Caterpillar product.

        • Dremel!

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          True grit.

      • hagajim

        Or a chisel.

      • Veritas78

        And a blow torch.

      • schvitzatura

        Martin Complete Body Hammer And Dolly Set 13 Piece…

    • vulpes82

      Yeah, I'm thinking face lift or chin lift or new dentures or something.

    • Redgyal

      Coffee shouldn't be used in such a vile way.

    • JustPixelz

      Perhaps she's seeking a "second amendment remedy". (I know … with votes, blah blah blah.)

    • Somehow John Travolta and Nic Cage come to mind.

    • emmelemm

      My thoughts exactly. Plastic. Surgery.

  • nounverb911

    Is Jan "Riding a Burro" into the Grand Canyon?

    • Mittaplasia

      A burro fell into Jan's "Grand Canyon"? Call PETA, quick; this shit is just WRONG!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Riding the burro"? Is that what kids are calling it these days?

  • She heard that her sister was crushed by a flying house that landed on her. Do you know how hard it is to arrange a flight to Oz without a broomstick?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    My vote is rehab. I think I saw her on Intervention last week.

    Or a face lift…

    • hagajim

      Not sure you could find a big enough crane to lift that face.

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        Botox. She's busy straining all the bacteria out of that Trader Joe's frozen chicken makhani in preparation.

    • Curses, you beat me to this!

  • Barbara_

    I'm sure she's just saved enough Pell mell (unfiltered) coupons to pay for an around the world trip.

  • JoeHoya

    No. Please, God. No. I never want to read the words "Jan Brewer" and "illicit sex" in the same article.

    • hagajim

      Hot, steamy, weathered leather sex, complete with the sound of high friction scraping.

      • JustPixelz

        Pretty sure there ain't enough beer or lube in the world to make that happen.

      • asterixaverni

        Eeewwwww!! I nearly spewed lunch across my screan just reading that!

        • hagajim

          Glad I could help.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    She was unexplainably attracted to an elderly man, allegedly because of the onions tied to his belt.

    • Not onions, those were his balls. He was happy to see her!

    • So you're saying she was suffering from the Pon Farrt?

    • smellypossum

      "Nickles had bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say…. Anyway."

      • BaldarTFlagass

        And coincidentally, one bee was what she would charge for one beej.

  • Hawaii– "where is the birf certificut?!!!!!1!"

    • YouFail4eva

      Sadly, I can totally see that. Then again, Sheriff Apoopoo is still in Arizona, right? Doubt she'd be the one to do the investigation.

  • nounverb911

    Couldn't she just use Qantas?

  • Securing a fresh supply of virgin blood to bathe in, as she's exhausted the supplies in Arizona

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Please. Thinking of sexytime and that dessicated crone together makes me quite nauseous.

    • hagajim

      Hot zombie sex?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Really. If she's willing to show that mug on TV, imagine what the parts of her that aren't shown in public look like.

      "What's that wrinkled-up thing on gramma? Oh, it's grampa."

      • proudgrampa

        Hey, Baldar! grampa libel!

        Wrinkled up things need love, too!



    • Mittaplasia

      A picture of her would help if one wanted to give up fapping for Lent. Of course there ARE risks involved, up to and including permanent loss of libido.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I heard that the Lizardpeople and Sleestaks go into heat the first week of December. They just get in a rut after another election loss.

  • Maybe she's getting a face transplant.

    • hagajim

      Might be better if she got a personality transplant.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      This time, use a mammalian donor

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Wherever she is, can you keep her? PLEASE?!?

  • kissawookiee

    Honey child, it's hard enough to keep my breakfast down most mornings, seeing as how I actually live in godforsaken Arizona. No need to compound that with images of Sheriff Joe (or one of his pink panty-clad charges) randomly pokin' round the many many folds and wrinkles Jan has on offer in hopes of hitting glory.

    • YouFail4eva

      I'm really, really sorry. Maybe things will get better in 2016. Maybe?

  • DCBloom

    Face lift. I hope she comes back all stretched with big ol collagen lips. That would be hilarious.

  • not that Dewey

    Perhaps Stephen Segall "bulldozed" her "house".

  • An Asexual Ungulate

    The image of Gov. Leather Handbag with "The Hot Tamale" just made me throw up a little in my mouth. Thanks for that.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe she's off getting a sample of Juan McCain's chorizo.

    • LesBontemps

      I don't think that would be good news for John McCain.

  • hagajim

    If I was with Brewer, I would not, could not screw her, because her face is that of a shrewer.

    • Not to mention, she smells like a sewer–that Mexican food seems to run right through her.

      • Mapmonger

        How could anyone do 'er?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    She's sequestered herself to study for her G.E.D.

  • el_donaldo

    I think what happened was inevitable: walking about outside, she briefly left the protection of her security cordon – maybe she stumbled a little on her high heels, maybe she just needed a little air, or she saw something she wanted to take a closer look at – and a tired, hungry undocumented day laborer mistook her for a really big piece of beef jerky.

    Tragic, and yet appropriate.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Maybe she forgot her papers, and got picked up on reasonable suspicion.

  • She's visiting her family of Gila Monsters.

    • "Cousin Godzilla! How are you?"

    • vulpes82

      Where are the singing mechanic/tow truck drivers and their polio-riddled sisters when we need them?

  • JustPixelz

    This is the kind of scoop The Daily Caller lurves to cover, except Brewer is Repubican so … crickets.

    “That is all I can disclose at this time,” Benson added. Careful there Bensen. That kind of talk got Susan Rice 24×7 coverage on Fux News.

    What a coincidence! I'm also performing "official duties" by writing this comment during work hours.

    • Brewer herself is so… crickets.

    • schvitzatura


  • ttommyunger

    No doubt having the cobwebs, bats and guano cleaned out of her pee-crusted twat.

    • drbill0620

      Beautiful. Do you mean some kind of power wash thang??

      • ttommyunger

        Mucho power compadre!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  • mavenmaven

    More likely Betty Ford than Mark Sanford.

    • rickmaci

      My bet too.

    • PubOption

      I suppose that appearing dried-out would be a good disguise for an alcoholic.

      • corthylio


  • kittensdontlie

    Hiker safety is paramount. There would be no greater misfortune for a brown, than falling into her grand canyon.

  • Ruhe

    I recall that the beginning of the end for Sanford was when competent calendar readers noted that the day he was supposedly hiking was also National Hike the App. Trail Naked day and the Governor couldn't admit to having done that. With that in mind I immediately googled the following phrases:

    National Blow a wet-back day.
    National go to Chipotle naked day.
    National Right-to-snub-the-Kenyan day.

    The last one elicited several hits.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Oh Wonkette, you tease me with the Nuvaring ad right below Brewer's head and torso, juuust about where Jan's artificial hoo haa might be, if she weren't double anused.

    • Rotundo_

      Two of them, because one just isn't enough for Jan.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    She has to meet with Orly Taitz before certifying the election results. And she's stopping by a salon to get fly parts scrapped off her lizard tongue before she heads home.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Out searching for Her Precioussssss……..

  • Pix of ol' leathernecked and a burro in 3, 2, 1…

  • CrunchyKnee

    The thought of Brewer and sex is such a boner killer that I may need copious amounts of Internet "stimuli" to ever get it up again. Sob.

  • Weenus299

    the Appalachian Trail equivalent would be white-water rafting the Colorado. So, we hear that we know she's doodling a Messican jefe.

  • raygotaway

    She's in L.A. for industrial strength botox, a bitcherectomy and a wheatgrass enema.

  • Redgyal

    Maybe Faux News offered to be "all inside" for her 2016 presidential bid?

    • YouFail4eva

      Oh god, the innuendo. Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP!

  • Steverino247

    She's getting her right index finger lengthened for the next Presidential visit.

  • Estproph

    Why does she always look like she's just sucked off a lemon?

    • BadKitty904

      Bile is bitter.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    I think she's gathering supporters in Sun City and planning a revolicion!!!

    AHEM! Also too.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Secretary of State Ken Bennett said he understands Brewer believes that the two years she spent finishing off Democrat Janet Napolitano's term do not count toward the two-term limit voters mandated in 1992.
      Brewer, elected in her own right at the 2010 election, is saying she could run again in 2014 if she wants, although she has not yet decided if she will."

      Hmm … who else do we know who didn't serve a full term as governor?

  • YouFail4eva

    There's a pattern here. The fuck is a finecracker? And if it's sexy, where do I get one?

    • SorosBot

      Barack should open the meeting with "Hey Mitt, welcome to Loserville, population: you!"

  • There is no vibrator called The Hot Tamale on Amazon. I checked.

    And, no, I would definitely not hit that.

  • smitallica

    ANY way this woman has sex (ew) would be the likes of which no one has ever seen before.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    She's gone walkabout with Carlos Castaneda.

  • pdiddycornchips

    She;s probably just moulting.

    • PopeEdgardo

      I thought reptiles shed their skins.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    She had an appointment at teh beauty salon.
    Maybe she's getting a "Brazil"-ian.

    • I don't even want to think about her Harry Buttle.

    • raygotaway

      Ain't enough anti-gag meds for the waxer in all the world.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Trying to improve her looks? That does fit with the week-long time frame.

  • She is in Jamaica, trying to get her groove back by consummating her insane crush on Usain Bolt. Fortunately, he is a professional at running away.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Oh puh leeze!1! Everyone her in AZ knows that there is no entity on the planet with a pulse that would consent to having sexytime with the wicked witch of the west. The closest she could ever get to her own Mexican cabana boy would be the worm at the bottom of the mezcal bottle, which is why speculation is rampant here that she's doing a seven day stint in rehab…

  • Mittaplasia

    OT, but I just read on Yahoo News that North Korean archaelogists have discovered a unicorn lair, throwing my entire (dis)belief system into chaos. Now I will have to see pony pictures for the next 17 days but it could be worse. Thank you, Mayans.

    • prommie

      Hah, thats nothing, I heard that the Laffer curve has been sighted by explorers deep in the Amazonian jungle, while in other news of the mythological, researchers at the Cato institute are working on a new imaginary figment collider which they beleive will be able to detect the up-till-now "Invisible" Hand!

      • PopeEdgardo

        God I hate the fucking Cato Institute! My work takes me to an aggregator that occasionally links to one of their contributions to knowledge. I can’t imagine a more thoroughly despicable coven of lying shitsacks in the solar system. I hope these fuckers all die in terrible pain for lack of health care! These people are first in line for the guillotine when the time comes and I’m going to be there with bells on! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

        (Sorry, I’ll be quiet now.)

      • Mittaplasia

        Remember Ann telling Mitt to "talk to the hand"? Thank Soros this wasn't discovered until AFTER the election.

    • Somebody brought that up to Dok a few days back.. Lemme see if I can find it.
      In this thread although it's not letting me link to the specific comment.
      It was BadKitty– (the only reason I bring it up is because it made me laugh so hard).

    • gullywompr

      I'll bet Docktor Zoom could find a unicorn or two for us…

  • Katydid

    Two words: ass surgery.

    • If you remove "ass" from Jan Brewer, you have nothing left.

    • larrykat

      Or maybe just the stick that is in it.

    • PopeEdgardo

      What part of this ass do you think is having surgery?

  • She is having a few nicks and dents Bondo'd.

  • stitch94133

    Jan Brewer naked! My eyes, my eyes! They burn!!!

  • T3rbo

    She is probably just getting one of her treatments, which involves drinking the blood of messican virgins and eating one or two of their hearts. Normal lizard people stuff

  • larrykat

    My money is on her returning and looking like Kenny Rogers.

    • proudgrampa

      I just saw a billboard with his picture on it. Holy Crap!

      Dat dude ugly!

    • Rotundo_

      From the waist up or the waist down?

    • drbill0620

      Kenny? Before or after??

  • Barrelhse

    Which wrinkle do ya stick it into?

    • Blueb4sinrise


    • BaldarTFlagass

      Roll her around in flour; target = wet spot.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Are you kidding? That lady uses her twat to dehydrate fruit.

  • prommie

    That poor Sanford guy was genuinely sincerely in LOOOVE though. It was kinda touching. Kinda like that King of England and the Wallis and Grommet or whatever story. Abdicating for the love of his life. Fucking Romance!

    • FakaktaSouth

      HOLY SHIT, I actually wrote this whole snotty retort here – because I love Wallace Simpson – about how this is NOT like that and how gross Mark Sanford is, but I'll be damned, when I checked myself I was surprised to see that he and that Argentinian hottie are engaged. Damn damn damn sometimes shit works out. Fucking Romance.

      • prommie

        You realize that soon, you also will become ineligible to marry the king of England? I hope you have thought this all through!

        • I think it is all more like Davey & Goliath & Bathsheba.

  • I wish this were the answer:

  • copiki

    That crypt is not going to keep itself.

    • Beowoof

      Well the only thing that would have sex with her would be the Crypt Keeper and from the looks of it, those two are made for each other.

  • MARCdMan

    She's gone Galt!

    • T3rbo

      WHO IS JOHN GALT??????

  • BZ1

    The image I have is the two skeletor lookalikes, Rickie Scott and Brewer making out. Ugh.

  • Exhausted66

    Sex requires moisture.

  • RadioBitchFace

    I never fucked a catcher's mitt before.

    • T3rbo

      In soviet obamerica, catchers mitt fucks YOU

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "One time, at spring training…"

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      That's what the oils for.

      • RadioBitchFace

        Watch out for the catcher's mask.

    • PopeEdgardo

      Oh come on, we've all had a go at the old Rawlings at least once.

  • gullywompr

    Wait, I thought us liberals were above criticizing a woman's looks or sexual activities?

    Ha ha, just kidding! Go nuts, you guys!

    • Tio_Doidinho

      Female lizards don't count?

  • Become Dr. Who's new sidekick????

    • Oblios_Cap

      Dear god, no!

    • DCBloom

      Oh hell no

    • Shellwith2Ls

      Dr. Who is hanging out with Silurians now?!

  • BadKitty904

    Dang, talk about "Kiss of the Spider Woman"…

  • DahBoner


  • i hope secret service is coming to remind her of that wagging finger.

    don't you be dissing my prez bitch.

  • She's obviously in rehab for being a witchy old scold-a-holic

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think she's off trying to track down them two kids that ate part of her gingerbread house.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    One would think that proper usage of the "hot tamale" would result in double vision, as opposed to Univision.

  • An_Outhouse

    I hope she hasn't had an experience similar to Madalyn Murray O'Hair. (In 1995 she was kidnapped, murdered, and her body mutilated)

  • prommie

    I bet she has gone to get that procedure to pull it back up in where it belongs. So it doesn't hang like sleave of wizard.

  • TootsStansbury

    Ugh. Checking in and seeing that mug on the front page is worse than the fat headed wierdo from yesterday.

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    She's having her sex change reversed.

    • Mittaplasia

      From what to what?

  • We'll know Governor Brewer was on some sort of sex tour of the bearded lady at the circus is walking funny next week.

  • corthylio

    The GOP has finally realized that brown-skinned people can vote, and is "modernizing" their "approach" to "reach out" to these voters. She's in a reeducation camp.

  • Perhaps she has gone to visit the other Gorgon sisters in Greece for the Holidays?

  • smellypossum

    One week out of every year: Chupacabra.

  • Shouldn't we alert the authorities? Oh wait…

  • Tio_Doidinho

    So THAT'S what the kids are calling it these days?

  • LesBontemps

    Wilbur Mills libel!

  • Tio_Doidinho

    Post-election self-realization retreat. She'll come back as an ardent Noam Chomsky supporter.

    Or, something involving Tijuana and a donkey.

  • She could be on a quest to find new friends.

  • DocChaos

    With over 3 billion penises in the world I suppose there are one or two that wouldn't shrivel up and hide like a turtle head in Gov. Brewers presence, but I'd rather not consider it.

    I'm thinking rehab.

  • HarryButtle

    She's hiking the Apache Trail!…

    I camp in these mountains a lot. On one of the most prominent trailhead signs, in big black Sharpie letters is says "JAN BREWER SUCKS" And it wasn't even me who wrote it!

  • Flat_Earther

    Is "Otis" getting cured from the Wild Turkey?

  • Gotta be rehab – just look at that picture. Hell, just look at any picture of her ever taken, anywhere, including her damned baby pictures.

  • dennis1943

    Sex and Brewer in the same sentence…?…..shame on you…..

  • elgin_pelican

    C'mon folks – we're better than this. Making fun of someone's appearance because they look like an dried apple head doll is beneath us.

  • thejazzmonger

    She is being fitted with a new, updated version, of her hair-helmet.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Just askin' here, but . . . how the hell can a governor be out attending to the people's business, without tellling the people what the fuck she's up to?

  • VeraSevera

    Face lift! Face lift! Please let her come back with that reptile skin as tight as a drum!

  • barto

    Can we please never put "Jan Brewer" and "sex" in the same sentence again? Thank you.

  • NinjaCat_Baba

    Jan "The Skeltor" Brewer is either probably:
    – Sequestering herself at Tikal to do a cermony by sacrifice an anchor baby to renew her several once in 5125-year-long to maintain her life.
    – Bathing in the blood from headless bodies she found while hiking in the Arizona desert to maintain her youth or….
    She really Lady Cassandra O'Brien.Δ17 – 'being moisturized by her manservents with water'

  • lochnessmonster

    Um… "state business" that is going on should be known to the ppl who pay her salary. Talk about transparency….thick as mud.

  • YasserArraFeck

    She's auditioning for the next remake of "V"

  • MistaEko

    Fools! She's just driving the suicide vest maker to the safehouse, but snapping his neck cuz he fled!


  • Perhaps she's just got a bad case of Hyperemesis?
    That would explain a lot.

  • OldRedneck

    She's probably checking into the Betty Ford Center. After all, Brewer is known around Aridzona as "the town drunk."

    According to people close to her, she keeps a bottle of hooch in her desk drawer and nip, nip, nip all day long; she is devoted to 3, 4, 5 martini lunches; and, her staffers often have to support her so she doesn't stumble during afternoon appearances.

    • Veritas78

      This would not surprise me in the least, and it explains a lot.

  • glamourdammerung

    Since she got pulled over for drunk driving before and well, her general behavior, I am going with a guess of "rehab".

  • deliman4

    She's banging Joe Arpaio !!

  • cybermoe

    She is fetching.

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