what a nice looking old manSometimes, we like to lie around and wonder stuff. Like, “What is it like being human pile of mildewed old sandwiches Roger Ailes?” Is it fun? We bet it is fun. You can send people to the dungeon; you can order the cutting off of miscreants’ hands. You get to hang out with Shep! It is probably all good. But what happens if someone betrays you by leaking a tape of some peon (she’s not an employee; they pay her less than $75 large, as if anyone could even survive on such “money”!) being a go-between for you and Greatest American Hero Gen. David Petraeus, telling him to run for president against the Kenyan Impostor, yo, and you’ll be his campaign manager, and Murdoch will bankroll it, and the rest of the people at Fox will be “his in-house.” Why, that almost sounds like Fox News would take a side in a political campaign. That can’t be right.

And it is not right, according to Roger Ailes! Never happened! Oh, there is a tape? Okay, so it happened, but the lady was wrong! He did not (privately, with no one else in the room because he is “paranoid”) send her to deliver messages to David Petraeus that if he ran against the Interloper they would bankroll it and run it and be his “in-house.” Okay, so he did. But it was “a joke,” and that lady — Kathleen T. McFarland, “a Fox News national security analyst and former national security and Pentagon aide in three Republican administrations” — is a idiot!

Ailes added, “It sounds like she thought she was on a secret mission in the Reagan administration. . . . She was way out of line. . . . It’s someone’s fantasy to make me a kingmaker. It’s not my job.” He said that McFarland was not an employee of Fox but a contributor paid less than $75,000 a year.

We will hold a moment for your sad cries of defeat.

Then Roger Ailes blew Petraeus a whole bunch, on his penis, with his droopy old mouth, and then Brett Baier stepped into the article to claim that Fox would never be against Obama’s war just because it is Obama’s war, why, that wouldn’t be fair and balanced a’tall.

So what we are saying is the hot monkey sex between Roger Ailes and David Petraeus and Brett Baier and some loser chick who doesn’t even make $75 thousand a year from them and is obviously crazy in her noggin is probably worse than anything Paula Broadwell could have come up with, the end.


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  • SnarkOff

    I don't even get out of bed for $75K a year.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    No monkeys, no sex and definitely not hot. FAIL

  • Barbara_

    "Then Roger Ailes blew Petraeus a whole bunch, on his penis, with his droopy old mouth…."

    Ailes then slowly jerked Petraeus off into his "World"s Best Boss" cup and then tossed it back and gargled it for Murdoch's amusement.

    • thatsitfortheother1


    • Jus_Wonderin


    • StillGoinGreen

      This literally turned my stomach when I read it. I feel so weak and snarkless now. You have sullied me deeply, until the next thread.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Dammit Barb, I'm trying to eat breakfast.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        It's when Murdoch walks in with his flamboyant Australian accent that the fanfic goes off the rails. Crikey!

    • JustPixelz

      I assume they were re-enacting Dubya blowing Cheney to be acting preznit for eight long deadly years.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      And THAT'S when Murdoch put "another one on the barbie".

    • An_Outhouse

      That wasn't necessary.

  • eggsacklywright

    My name is Rupert, and I would like to purchase one of your generals, please.

    • Remember when Ann Coulter used to be a Kicker for the Miami Dolphins?

    • YouFail4eva

      Isn't he in trouble for this in like, England, or something? Is it just me? It may be just me.

  • Come here a minute

    The most reasonable thing about Ailes' story is that that a Fox News contributor is an idiot.

    • Mittaplasia

      They call 'em "News Contributors"? Don't they already have an imagineering department?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I have something to "contribute" — who do I talk to about the $75,000?

  • freakishlywrong

    Jabba the propagandist.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Baron Harkonnen

  • You left out Sandra Fluke.

    • freakishlywrong

      And BENGHAZI!!!!11

    • She has standards.

  • CrunchyKnee

    You had me at "pile of mildewed old sandwiches", but then Reagan had secret missions? Whaa?

    • eggsacklywright

      e-missions, that is.

  • glasspusher

    Oh, Ms. Broadwell, you little monkey woman, you…you wore green so you could hide…I don't blame you, YOU'RE A TRAMP

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my…

    • eggsacklywright

      She's a flea-bit peanut monkey and all her friends are junkies.

  • freakishlywrong

    This boil on America's ass that is Fox "News" has got to go.

    • As driftglass says, we cannot remain long half Fox and half free.

  • SpiderCrab

    I hope he dies soon–killed by votes.

    • CrunchyKnee

      Or a ham sandwich.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Nicely mildewed.

    • eggsacklywright

      Or maybe a drone pretzel?

    • glasspusher

      Dies in a landslide? Could be taken more than one way…

  • FakaktaSouth

    It would take less than 75K for me to betray Roger Ailes and his plot to screw Mitt out of having taken his turn at the Republican Nomination so that Petraeus' actual wild monkey sex with every woman he ever accidentally talked to took him down in the middle of the election. But that's just me.

    • freakishlywrong

      Now, with even more schadenfreude!

    • thatsitfortheother1

      The Great White Hope for 2016. Bwahahaha.

      • Esteev

        The Great White Hump?

    • prommie

      I would withhold judgment on the wild hot monkey sex until all the facts are in. He is such a tiny little man. Well, ok, maybe like, very very small monkey monkey sex. Richard Pryor used to tell this story about his pet monkey humping him in the ear, he said it felt like a wet Q-tip sliding in and out of his ear.

      • emmelemm

        I'm sorry, what? Is that for real?

    • If this Kathleen McFarland had showed Patraeus a little bicep and forehead and challenged him to a 10k, she could have gotten him to run for dogcatcher. Would have picked up a scary email stalker, though.

  • As always, should you or any of my intermediaries be caught telling the truth or something that makes me look like a partisan dick, Faux Newz will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This email will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck, David.

  • Megyn Kelly also makes $75K…per BJ.

    • Half a lip. You'll have to share. O'Reilly pays well.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        He pays REALLY well if you drag him to court.

        • But then you have to put up with his loofa.

        • eggsacklywright

          But afterwards, he'll falafel.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            A lawsuit is always better when plaintiff is crying.

    • You only get a desultory, clothed handie from Megyn for that little. However, Gretchen Carlson will give you a full 20 minutes of frowny, frumpy coitus.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Greta Van Susteren will pay you.

        • How much?

          No, really! She looks like a transgendered tennis pro, so I'm betting she has a firm grip.

          • Martina Navratilova libel!

          • Serious story: my friend's opthamologist is Renee Richards. Swears by her, says she's a really good doctor and really generous with her time.

          • thatsitfortheother1

            On all but reality.

          • Well played, sir. Very well played.

  • metamarcisf

    If only the General had listened to Roger Ailes. He'd be president now and never would have gotten mixed up with a closet case like Paula Broadwell. And Jill Kelley. And their lawyers. And would-be vice president, Hank, Jr.

    • Mittaplasia

      And the would-be Secretary of Defense, Ted Nugent….aaaarrgh!

    • Rotundo_

      Imagine the sheer joy of the Joint Chiefs of Staff having to report to Secretary Poopy Pants Draft Dodging Asshole for their marching orders. Has anyone ever been fragged in the Pentagon?

  • Estproph

    All he needs in that pic is a white Nehru jacket, and he'd be a perfect gay Karl Blofeld.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      The tartan tie already suggests Fatbastard.

    • Have you seen Blofeld's spring clothing line? Oh wait.

      Could be a fun game: Bond Villain or Fashion Designer?

  • kittensdontlie

    “Rupert’s after me as well,” Petraeus told McFarland.

    The General's penis is definitely not standard army-issue.

  • glasspusher

    Bonobos are smarter and have the sexytime better than those troglodytes at Fox.

    • That's an insult to the noble bonobo. Banana slugs are….

      • glasspusher

        Pond scum provide a useful service. Therefore…

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          And you shall know them by the trail of their slime.

  • Ailes is launching a counter offensive in the "War on Ignorance"

    • New Hampshia is just full of enigmata. How did an ultra-conservative newspaper get the name the "Union Leader?"

      • PennyDreadful

        War on war?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Talk about being out-gunned by the opponent…

  • eggsacklywright

    Ms. McFarland is plausibly deniable. Cheap, too.

  • $75,000 a year to be a "contributor"?

    Slave owners!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, it worked for them back in 1952.

    • rickmaci

      But not in '48.

  • Then Roger Ailes blew Petraeus a whole bunch, on his penis, with his droopy old mouth

    OK, Trix? I really didn't need that image today, as I am hungover badly.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "run for president against the Kenyan Impostor, yo, and you’ll be his campaign manager, and Murdoch will bankroll it, and the rest of the people at Fox will be “his in-house.”

    …and we can fix up the old barn and build a stage and put on a talent show and use the proceeds to help Farmer Brown make his mortgage payment to that old meany banker so the bank can't take the farm!!! Gee, it'll be swell!!!

    • Nick! Heath! Jared! There's a fire in the barn!

    • i was in that play.

  • BadKitty904

    Somewhere in hell, Josef Goebbels is laughing…

  • thatsitfortheother1

    How did these pus bombs manage to take over our country?

    • eggsacklywright

      They managed to buy enough politicians to enable the Unfairness Act. News-speak is the law of the land.

    • We took our eye off the ball, while they kept theirs on theirs.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        So Fox News is 'ballin?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Barnum, P.T.
      Mencken, H.L.

    • BadKitty904

      Per my bf, radical Republicans seized power back in the 1860s, due to the leadership vacuum caused by Lincoln's assassination. Radical Republicans seized power again in the 2000s, due to the leadership vacuum caused by Bush's election.

  • Somewhere a short-fingered fraud circus is missing its most cretinous vulgarian.

    • AncienReggie


    • I saw this earlier and I'm going with my first impression:

      This Comment Deserves the Most High threadwinning Gold Medallion of Snarkatude.
      So say I.

      Also (of course) A Worthly Wokette Cephalopod.

      Yummy shrimps.

  • GhostBuggy

    I used to have this job working with ex-cons, and every single one of them sounded just like Ailes. "What? It was a joke! Also, too, that broad's a crazy lying bitch!"

    • thatsitfortheother1

      The only difference between Ailes and them is a court date.

    • BadKitty904

      Total Denial of Personal Responsibility.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Though I do like the sound of "President Penetraetus"

  • schvitzatura

    More whore diamonds, less "she said/'it' said" hoohaa…

    McFarland and her lady bits attempted a run for the Senate seat held by Her Highness Dowager Sec'y of 'Murica "Bill's Hill" Clintonia, but was primaried cockblocked by Yonkerian douche-mayor John Spencer (not Jon Spencer of the Blues Explosion thingee).

  • Not_Mother

    Needz moar USURPER. Usurper usurper usurper!!11! Also, too.

  • Aren't Jabba's slaves always dressed in green?

  • PubOption

    The headline fits, the rest of the article is off-topic, but still interesting.

  • sewollef

    Damn that Roger Ailes… he's got a head like a meat & potato pie. And filled with the same garbage. Also.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Porkie telling porkie.

    • proudgrampa

      Meat and potato libel!

    • eggsacklywright

      Like a Sheppard's Smithy-pie.

    • emmelemm

      He is one ugly motherfucker.

      • Rotundo_

        Only on the outside, it gets worse on the inside.

  • Goonemeritus

    Don’t all media outlets seek out candidates to promote and finance. I have always suspected that the Wonkette is the real power behind Sarah Palin’s political ambitions.

    • Wonkette is the real power behind Sarah Palin’s

      I believe she lurks and even comments here!

      • YouFail4eva

        I don't believe it. Why? Cause the comments would have to be a whole lot stupider to be hers. Not once has anybody said "All of them, Katie."

        Or "Also. Too."

        Oh, wait…

        • BLOOD LIBEL!

          Too. Also.

          • TRIG RETARD TRIG RETARD see the prohibition has been lifted. Skullfucking has passed its off-limits status as well — if I must peruse on these pages the suggestion Jesus f*cking my mother or baboons raping babiesI can deal out some retard disembowelment jokes too….

            BLOOD LIBEL! Too. Also.

            …So can we put to rest the "With Votes" meme finally, there is no need to cloak the vehemence of our venom. Honestly.

          • YouFail4eva

            I found you Sarah! You killed my boner! Prepare to stop grifting!

      • lulzmonger

        You betcha!

  • thatsitfortheother1

    You still get hangovers? Dilettante.

    • I'm out of practice. I had to take a month off from drinking for a liver issue.

      • eggsacklywright

        A whole month? Jesus, what a horrifying thought.

        • I tell you, the last 729 hours were the worst!

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Funny. Yet not funny.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Liver issue, huh? The other night I got up in the middle of the night to take a piss, and my liver was already in the bathroom throwing up in the toilet. I'm considering calling my physician, if that happens again.

        • Mine was found lying by the side of the road in a pool of its own urine, muttering "Why doesh he do theshe thingsh to *hic* me?"

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Mine is studying Russian as a second language.

        • Pat_Pending

          My liver has calluses.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    $75K per year? Shee-it, you can make more than that just on the welfare and food stamps and unemployment and free cell phones. What a chump.

  • MosesInvests

    Ho, ho, ho. Bring me Petraeus-and the Wookie.

  • hollyrocks209

    The single most disturbing thing about the WaPo article is the final quote from Ailes, where he says he doesn't want to leave Fox; all he wants to do is attend his twelve-year-old son's basketball games.

    The idea of someone being inseminated by Roger Ailes is too horrible to contemplate, and all apologies to the twelve-year-old.

    • BadKitty904

      Given Ailes' age/personal appearance, I'm sure it had to be done artificially…unless the kid's adopted.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Relax, I'm sure Roger didn't actually have "sex" 12 years and 9 months ago. He probably just jerked off in a turkey baster and had some poor third world refugee woman provided by Dick Cheney act as surrogate mother, after which she was thrown from a helicopter outside of Kandahar.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        The normal Republican procedure?

      • Rotundo_

        They probably went with the same method they use on elephants: Electrical stimulation of the anus until ejaculation and extraction of the semen. Roger probably took at least two or three sizable jolts to the keister to get enough to create "Mini-He". The disposable refugee part sounds about right though. The heart probably went to Cheney.

    • YouFail4eva

      Good god. You mean he's bred another one? I thought all right wing bloviators were like Rush: Talk about sex all the time without ever getting any. Even after four marriages.

      • Rotundo_

        Rusty gets plenty of action. Not with the wife, but I am sure there are many Dominican cabana boys that have felt that wet Q-Tip in their ears and other orifices.

  • OT, but is anyone else having trouble getting teh wonkette to work on ipad?

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      the mobile site is DOA, no smartphone and no iPad unless you manually go to the desktop site rather than touch.wonkette

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      ?onswipe_redirect=never is your friend. When you load your wonkette, use

      • emmelemm

        Forgive mine ignorance: is that true for both Appley i-Devices and Android-based gadgetry?

        • zippy_w_pinhead

          It's working on my iPad, my Droid not so much. M.wonkette is still DOA, too
          Edit- typo on my part, Droid works too

  • thatsitfortheother1

    That clan would be from the Furth of Pustulence, would it not?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      There can be only one. Thank fookin' Christ.

    • eggsacklywright

      Aye, not far from Corryvreckan, the Fox whirlpool of death.

  • eggsacklywright

    So it appears that all our Wonkets is repaired?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Don't jinx it!!!

      • eggsacklywright

        This comment has been moved to yesterday.

        • bikerlaureate

          Was it moved 4 days ago, or today?

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Well, THIS should be interesting – The Schoolmarm vs. Wall Street

    Senator-Elect Warren Tapped to Serve on Banking Committee, Sources Say <a href="…” target=”_blank”>…

    • Veritas78

      The banksters called in all their chits to prevent this, according to NPR, but they didn't have any, having thrown in with Romney and Stapledick Scottie.

  • prommie

    All candidates should wear patches, like Nascar drivers, to show who their corporate sponsors are! I for one am just glad that the Goldman-Sachs candidate beat the Mormon Church/Exxon-Mobil candidate in this last election.

    • proudgrampa

      Great idea, actually.

      "This candidate brought to you by Miller High Life, the Champagne of Bottled Beers!"

      • prommie

        Westinghouse Thermonuclear Warheads!

  • Now that I have thought of it, I can't stop picturing Ailes flying around Fox News HQ like Baron Harkonnen, barking orders, cackling, and farting.

  • DahBoner

    Stupid fat people can lose weight, but….

  • Blueb4sinrise

    This comment removed as SPAM

    • YouFail4eva

      But I love Spam! Why would you do this? Why do you hate 'Murka Blueb4? If that is your real name!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      "Can I have the spam spam snark comments and spam without the spam?"


  • ttommyunger

    Sadly, there will always be a place for Fox, Ailes and Murdoch in American "Journalism". Reliable studies have shown that in any given population, ten per cent or so are clinically and provably neurotic. In a Nation of 300 Million souls, that's a lot of viewership. within this sorry lot, all the great human drives: Fear of loss, hope of gain, sexual gratification, hunger, etc. are at play. With it's "Crisis" mentality, leggy blondes and simplistic sound-biting, Fox & Co. continues to strike a chord with millions of thought-impaired citizens on a daily basis. In short, we have found the enemy, and it is us (Pogo).

    • YouFail4eva

      Actually the real number is closer to 21% who actively and frequently watch Fox News. Still, if it's only 1 in 5, that still gives us room to work.

      • ttommyunger

        I was being “conservative” with my reporting of ten per cent. I frankly believe the real number is much closer to twenty.

    • lulzmonger

      The bulk of FOX's focus in terms of programming is (& always has been) on flashy graphics & exciting bumper music – they literally give zero fucks about what their talking heads are actually saying beyond propping up the usual right-wing narrative, because they know that most of the audience is in a constant hypnotic stupor due to all the content-free whiz-bang bullshit … & that's the way they like it.

      The first rich bastard who put on a 24/7 Random Flashing Lights & Jingling Keys Network with an intermittent laugh-track will give Murdoch a real run for his money. No joke.

      • ttommyunger

        Would need some side-boob and shooting guns, fer shits & giggles.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Great, now Q-tips will remind me of monkey junk forever.

    • prommie

      I have had to bear that cross since about 1977. Its an image that never goes away.

    • prommie

      And anyone who has to hang that many fucking medals on his chest, well, its hard to believe thats not some kind of compensating for some lack in something hanging somewhere else.

      • bearperney

        Agreed, the chest display bothers me too. I'm a vet. (Army draftee). My Dad was regular Army and could have worn a chestful of ribbons, but, he, like Eisenhour, wore only three ribbons: National Defense (everyone who serves gets one), WWII service and Bronze Star w/V (for Valor).

  • Esteev

    Who believes audio-video recordings anyway? I mean, Romney was taped saying the opposite of what he had said in previous tapings lots of times.

  • Beanball

    Well, this just confirms what my inside sources tell me the real skinny is, namely the plot by the bad Illuminati (rogue CIA agents) in cahoots with Foreign Elements setting up Petraeus to run for president being foiled by rogue elements of the FBI (the good Illuminati) in cahoots with patriotic (but rogue) military operatives sending Paula Broadwell (a seriously actual Lt Col officer of Military Intelligence USA) off to foil the Petraeus-for-president plot in a classic honey trap.

    In short, an early Xmas present for America Land of the Free (but bought and paid for by icky foreigners anyway) Press.

    • prommie

      Gag, ack, barf!

    • MiniMencken

      Nice alternate narrative, mon ami.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter — as soon as I figure out who's behind it.

  • mavenmaven

    All Ailes really needed to do was send some well toned woman from the local gym to recruit Petraeus, and he would have thrown his hat in the ring. And his shoes, shirt, pants, undies…

    • greenloner

      I read of someone somewhere saying that Petraeus always surrounded himself with "hard-bodied brunettes." (I have upfisted your comment. Excellent joke!)

  • Ailes is looking mighty Hitchcockean up there. Ratings would be spectacular if they faked Megyn being attacked in the shower by the New Black Panthers.

    • Rotundo_

      And for his next oeuvre, he can have Steve Doocey get trapped in the Faux Men's room. The Turds, in Technicolor (Technicolor yawn that is).

  • One_who_wanders

    I find this IMPOSSIBLE to masturbate to.

  • jolpaj

    I sort of feel like Fox News could be kind of a fucking joke.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    she thought she was on a secret mission in the Reagan administration

    Did Roger Ailes send along a shipment of missiles? Was she stopping in Tehran on the way?

  • gullywompr

    that lady — Kathleen T. McFarland, “a Fox News national security analyst and former national security and Pentagon aide in three Republican administrations” — is a idiot!

    An idiot. (grammarblog…)

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      I dunno. A / an confusion seems a bit more syntaxy to me. The utterances and whatnot. An error of codification as opposed to a semantic situation. Just sayin.

  • Mittaplasia

    But…but…don't you have to actually wait until you're elected to something before you start cheating? I haz a confused.

  • MiniMencken

    As noted writer of right-wing fan fiction Eric Blair noted some years ago, "At 50, every man has the face he deserves."

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    What sort of monkeys are we talking about here? The cute little dressed up ones like Lancelot Link and Mata Hairi or those nasty violent ones in Rise of the Planet of the Apes? This makes all the difference in the fapability of this story…

  • BZ1

    Why do you have a picture of Jabba the Hutt?

  • owhatever

    Did anyone at Fox think to ask the General Boner about whether this happened? Or anyone on the Tampa socialite circuit?

  • sullivanst

    I read the headline as "ALIENS:", which would work if it were singular.

  • lulzmonger

    FOX would never EVER get involved with exercising political influence on the national scene!

    Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin & Mike Huckabee said so!

  • joobajooba

    I see the Post story was written by cub reporter Bob "Flowerpots" Woodward. So is Ailes calling the young man a liar?

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