sounds legit

Ailes: Respected Non-Partisan News Organization ‘Fox’ Did Not Make Hot Monkey Sex On David Petraeus

what a nice looking old manSometimes, we like to lie around and wonder stuff. Like, “What is it like being human pile of mildewed old sandwiches Roger Ailes?” Is it fun? We bet it is fun. You can send people to the dungeon; you can order the cutting off of miscreants’ hands. You get to hang out with Shep! It is probably all good. But what happens if someone betrays you by leaking a tape of some peon (she’s not an employee; they pay her less than $75 large, as if anyone could even survive on such “money”!) being a go-between for you and Greatest American Hero Gen. David Petraeus, telling him to run for president against the Kenyan Impostor, yo, and you’ll be his campaign manager, and Murdoch will bankroll it, and the rest of the people at Fox will be “his in-house.” Why, that almost sounds like Fox News would take a side in a political campaign. That can’t be right.

And it is not right, according to Roger Ailes! Never happened! Oh, there is a tape? Okay, so it happened, but the lady was wrong! He did not (privately, with no one else in the room because he is “paranoid”) send her to deliver messages to David Petraeus that if he ran against the Interloper they would bankroll it and run it and be his “in-house.” Okay, so he did. But it was “a joke,” and that lady — Kathleen T. McFarland, “a Fox News national security analyst and former national security and Pentagon aide in three Republican administrations” — is a idiot!

Ailes added, “It sounds like she thought she was on a secret mission in the Reagan administration. . . . She was way out of line. . . . It’s someone’s fantasy to make me a kingmaker. It’s not my job.” He said that McFarland was not an employee of Fox but a contributor paid less than $75,000 a year.

We will hold a moment for your sad cries of defeat.

Then Roger Ailes blew Petraeus a whole bunch, on his penis, with his droopy old mouth, and then Brett Baier stepped into the article to claim that Fox would never be against Obama’s war just because it is Obama’s war, why, that wouldn’t be fair and balanced a’tall.

So what we are saying is the hot monkey sex between Roger Ailes and David Petraeus and Brett Baier and some loser chick who doesn’t even make $75 thousand a year from them and is obviously crazy in her noggin is probably worse than anything Paula Broadwell could have come up with, the end.


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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. chicken_thief

      A little off topic, but if she was a he but still has the same partner that she/he had when she/he was a he, does that make the partner, still a she (?) a lezbo?

      Inquiring minds and all that….

  1. Barbara_

    "Then Roger Ailes blew Petraeus a whole bunch, on his penis, with his droopy old mouth…."

    Ailes then slowly jerked Petraeus off into his "World"s Best Boss" cup and then tossed it back and gargled it for Murdoch's amusement.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      This literally turned my stomach when I read it. I feel so weak and snarkless now. You have sullied me deeply, until the next thread.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        It's when Murdoch walks in with his flamboyant Australian accent that the fanfic goes off the rails. Crikey!

    2. JustPixelz

      I assume they were re-enacting Dubya blowing Cheney to be acting preznit for eight long deadly years.

  2. Come here a minute

    The most reasonable thing about Ailes' story is that that a Fox News contributor is an idiot.

  3. glasspusher

    Oh, Ms. Broadwell, you little monkey woman, you…you wore green so you could hide…I don't blame you, YOU'RE A TRAMP

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my…

  4. FakaktaSouth

    It would take less than 75K for me to betray Roger Ailes and his plot to screw Mitt out of having taken his turn at the Republican Nomination so that Petraeus' actual wild monkey sex with every woman he ever accidentally talked to took him down in the middle of the election. But that's just me.

    1. prommie

      I would withhold judgment on the wild hot monkey sex until all the facts are in. He is such a tiny little man. Well, ok, maybe like, very very small monkey monkey sex. Richard Pryor used to tell this story about his pet monkey humping him in the ear, he said it felt like a wet Q-tip sliding in and out of his ear.

    2. Chet Kincaid_

      If this Kathleen McFarland had showed Patraeus a little bicep and forehead and challenged him to a 10k, she could have gotten him to run for dogcatcher. Would have picked up a scary email stalker, though.

  5. ManchuCandidate

    As always, should you or any of my intermediaries be caught telling the truth or something that makes me look like a partisan dick, Faux Newz will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This email will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck, David.

          1. actor212

            Serious story: my friend's opthamologist is Renee Richards. Swears by her, says she's a really good doctor and really generous with her time.

  6. metamarcisf

    If only the General had listened to Roger Ailes. He'd be president now and never would have gotten mixed up with a closet case like Paula Broadwell. And Jill Kelley. And their lawyers. And would-be vice president, Hank, Jr.

    1. Rotundo_

      Imagine the sheer joy of the Joint Chiefs of Staff having to report to Secretary Poopy Pants Draft Dodging Asshole for their marching orders. Has anyone ever been fragged in the Pentagon?

  7. kittensdontlie

    “Rupert’s after me as well,” Petraeus told McFarland.

    The General's penis is definitely not standard army-issue.

  8. actor212

    Then Roger Ailes blew Petraeus a whole bunch, on his penis, with his droopy old mouth

    OK, Trix? I really didn't need that image today, as I am hungover badly.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    "run for president against the Kenyan Impostor, yo, and you’ll be his campaign manager, and Murdoch will bankroll it, and the rest of the people at Fox will be “his in-house.”

    …and we can fix up the old barn and build a stage and put on a talent show and use the proceeds to help Farmer Brown make his mortgage payment to that old meany banker so the bank can't take the farm!!! Gee, it'll be swell!!!

    1. eggsacklywright

      They managed to buy enough politicians to enable the Unfairness Act. News-speak is the law of the land.

    2. BadKitty904

      Per my bf, radical Republicans seized power back in the 1860s, due to the leadership vacuum caused by Lincoln's assassination. Radical Republicans seized power again in the 2000s, due to the leadership vacuum caused by Bush's election.

    1. C_R_Eature

      I saw this earlier and I'm going with my first impression:

      This Comment Deserves the Most High threadwinning Gold Medallion of Snarkatude.
      So say I.

      Also (of course) A Worthly Wokette Cephalopod.

      Yummy shrimps.

  10. GhostBuggy

    I used to have this job working with ex-cons, and every single one of them sounded just like Ailes. "What? It was a joke! Also, too, that broad's a crazy lying bitch!"

  11. schvitzatura

    More whore diamonds, less "she said/'it' said" hoohaa…

    McFarland and her lady bits attempted a run for the Senate seat held by Her Highness Dowager Sec'y of 'Murica "Bill's Hill" Clintonia, but was primaried cockblocked by Yonkerian douche-mayor John Spencer (not Jon Spencer of the Blues Explosion thingee).

  12. sewollef

    Damn that Roger Ailes… he's got a head like a meat & potato pie. And filled with the same garbage. Also.

  13. Goonemeritus

    Don’t all media outlets seek out candidates to promote and finance. I have always suspected that the Wonkette is the real power behind Sarah Palin’s political ambitions.

      1. YouFail4eva

        I don't believe it. Why? Cause the comments would have to be a whole lot stupider to be hers. Not once has anybody said "All of them, Katie."

        Or "Also. Too."

        Oh, wait…

          1. Mumbletypeg

            TRIG RETARD TRIG RETARD see the prohibition has been lifted. Skullfucking has passed its off-limits status as well — if I must peruse on these pages the suggestion Jesus f*cking my mother or baboons raping babiesI can deal out some retard disembowelment jokes too….

            BLOOD LIBEL! Too. Also.

            …So can we put to rest the "With Votes" meme finally, there is no need to cloak the vehemence of our venom. Honestly.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Liver issue, huh? The other night I got up in the middle of the night to take a piss, and my liver was already in the bathroom throwing up in the toilet. I'm considering calling my physician, if that happens again.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    $75K per year? Shee-it, you can make more than that just on the welfare and food stamps and unemployment and free cell phones. What a chump.

  15. hollyrocks209

    The single most disturbing thing about the WaPo article is the final quote from Ailes, where he says he doesn't want to leave Fox; all he wants to do is attend his twelve-year-old son's basketball games.

    The idea of someone being inseminated by Roger Ailes is too horrible to contemplate, and all apologies to the twelve-year-old.

    1. BadKitty904

      Given Ailes' age/personal appearance, I'm sure it had to be done artificially…unless the kid's adopted.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Relax, I'm sure Roger didn't actually have "sex" 12 years and 9 months ago. He probably just jerked off in a turkey baster and had some poor third world refugee woman provided by Dick Cheney act as surrogate mother, after which she was thrown from a helicopter outside of Kandahar.

      1. Rotundo_

        They probably went with the same method they use on elephants: Electrical stimulation of the anus until ejaculation and extraction of the semen. Roger probably took at least two or three sizable jolts to the keister to get enough to create "Mini-He". The disposable refugee part sounds about right though. The heart probably went to Cheney.

    3. YouFail4eva

      Good god. You mean he's bred another one? I thought all right wing bloviators were like Rush: Talk about sex all the time without ever getting any. Even after four marriages.

      1. Rotundo_

        Rusty gets plenty of action. Not with the wife, but I am sure there are many Dominican cabana boys that have felt that wet Q-Tip in their ears and other orifices.

    1. zippy_w_pinhead

      the mobile site is DOA, no smartphone and no iPad unless you manually go to the desktop site rather than touch.wonkette

    2. BoatOfVelociraptors

      ?onswipe_redirect=never is your friend. When you load your wonkette, use

        1. zippy_w_pinhead

          It's working on my iPad, my Droid not so much. M.wonkette is still DOA, too
          Edit- typo on my part, Droid works too

    1. Veritas78

      The banksters called in all their chits to prevent this, according to NPR, but they didn't have any, having thrown in with Romney and Stapledick Scottie.

  16. prommie

    All candidates should wear patches, like Nascar drivers, to show who their corporate sponsors are! I for one am just glad that the Goldman-Sachs candidate beat the Mormon Church/Exxon-Mobil candidate in this last election.

    1. proudgrampa

      Great idea, actually.

      "This candidate brought to you by Miller High Life, the Champagne of Bottled Beers!"

  17. ttommyunger

    Sadly, there will always be a place for Fox, Ailes and Murdoch in American "Journalism". Reliable studies have shown that in any given population, ten per cent or so are clinically and provably neurotic. In a Nation of 300 Million souls, that's a lot of viewership. within this sorry lot, all the great human drives: Fear of loss, hope of gain, sexual gratification, hunger, etc. are at play. With it's "Crisis" mentality, leggy blondes and simplistic sound-biting, Fox & Co. continues to strike a chord with millions of thought-impaired citizens on a daily basis. In short, we have found the enemy, and it is us (Pogo).

    1. YouFail4eva

      Actually the real number is closer to 21% who actively and frequently watch Fox News. Still, if it's only 1 in 5, that still gives us room to work.

      1. ttommyunger

        I was being “conservative” with my reporting of ten per cent. I frankly believe the real number is much closer to twenty.

    2. lulzmonger

      The bulk of FOX's focus in terms of programming is (& always has been) on flashy graphics & exciting bumper music – they literally give zero fucks about what their talking heads are actually saying beyond propping up the usual right-wing narrative, because they know that most of the audience is in a constant hypnotic stupor due to all the content-free whiz-bang bullshit … & that's the way they like it.

      The first rich bastard who put on a 24/7 Random Flashing Lights & Jingling Keys Network with an intermittent laugh-track will give Murdoch a real run for his money. No joke.

    1. prommie

      And anyone who has to hang that many fucking medals on his chest, well, its hard to believe thats not some kind of compensating for some lack in something hanging somewhere else.

      1. bearperney

        Agreed, the chest display bothers me too. I'm a vet. (Army draftee). My Dad was regular Army and could have worn a chestful of ribbons, but, he, like Eisenhour, wore only three ribbons: National Defense (everyone who serves gets one), WWII service and Bronze Star w/V (for Valor).

  18. Esteev

    Who believes audio-video recordings anyway? I mean, Romney was taped saying the opposite of what he had said in previous tapings lots of times.

  19. Beanball

    Well, this just confirms what my inside sources tell me the real skinny is, namely the plot by the bad Illuminati (rogue CIA agents) in cahoots with Foreign Elements setting up Petraeus to run for president being foiled by rogue elements of the FBI (the good Illuminati) in cahoots with patriotic (but rogue) military operatives sending Paula Broadwell (a seriously actual Lt Col officer of Military Intelligence USA) off to foil the Petraeus-for-president plot in a classic honey trap.

    In short, an early Xmas present for America Land of the Free (but bought and paid for by icky foreigners anyway) Press.

  20. mavenmaven

    All Ailes really needed to do was send some well toned woman from the local gym to recruit Petraeus, and he would have thrown his hat in the ring. And his shoes, shirt, pants, undies…

    1. greenloner

      I read of someone somewhere saying that Petraeus always surrounded himself with "hard-bodied brunettes." (I have upfisted your comment. Excellent joke!)

    1. Rotundo_

      And for his next oeuvre, he can have Steve Doocey get trapped in the Faux Men's room. The Turds, in Technicolor (Technicolor yawn that is).

  21. SuspectedDemocrat

    she thought she was on a secret mission in the Reagan administration

    Did Roger Ailes send along a shipment of missiles? Was she stopping in Tehran on the way?

  22. gullywompr

    that lady — Kathleen T. McFarland, “a Fox News national security analyst and former national security and Pentagon aide in three Republican administrations” — is a idiot!

    An idiot. (grammarblog…)

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      I dunno. A / an confusion seems a bit more syntaxy to me. The utterances and whatnot. An error of codification as opposed to a semantic situation. Just sayin.

  23. Mittaplasia

    But…but…don't you have to actually wait until you're elected to something before you start cheating? I haz a confused.

  24. MiniMencken

    As noted writer of right-wing fan fiction Eric Blair noted some years ago, "At 50, every man has the face he deserves."

  25. zippy_w_pinhead

    What sort of monkeys are we talking about here? The cute little dressed up ones like Lancelot Link and Mata Hairi or those nasty violent ones in Rise of the Planet of the Apes? This makes all the difference in the fapability of this story…

  26. owhatever

    Did anyone at Fox think to ask the General Boner about whether this happened? Or anyone on the Tampa socialite circuit?

  27. lulzmonger

    FOX would never EVER get involved with exercising political influence on the national scene!

    Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin & Mike Huckabee said so!

  28. joobajooba

    I see the Post story was written by cub reporter Bob "Flowerpots" Woodward. So is Ailes calling the young man a liar?

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