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Recovering Weirdo Congressbum Thaddeus McCotter Wrote A Short Story! It’s Not Very Good!

Credit where credit is due: At least there's no Pinkie / Dash shippingGreetings, prose-act nation, and welcome to Doktor Zoom’s Fanfic Corner. Today, we’ll be sampling some awesome fan fiction from around the web. Our first selection is from a site that doesn’t usually run fanfic, Tucker Carlson’s Internet Tendency. It’s by aspiring TV sitcom writer and Tea Party rockmeister Thad McCotter, whose author tag describes him as “a simple country lawyer from Detroit and a recovering Congressbum.” Ha-ha! Self-deprecating humor will win the reader over for sure!

While McCotter hasn’t specified what fictional universe the story is set in, it wouldn’t seem out of place in the worlds of Revolution, Red Dawn, or perhaps The Turner Diaries. It’s a fairly routine post-apocalyptic political “what-if” story titled “In Aeternum,” which is of course Latin for “Forever.” When are first-time posters going to learn that tossing around Latin all willy-nilly suggests pretentiousness, not gravitas?

In any case, the story goes something like this (and of course, spoiler warnings apply, insofar as something this predictable can be spoiled): Tomas, a 13-year-old child soldier forced to carry a gun in the “Grand Army of the People” in an unnamed “war-ravaged land,” slips away from his camp to try to supplement his meager belongings by illegally looting the corpses of those who were executed by the rebels. We get few hints of where and when the story takes place, only that it is set in a jungle, and that the revolution is devoted to

Birthing a new nation where no one was poor required everyone doing their duty. Those who did lived; those who didn’t died.

We also find out that Tomas is at a camp where “enemies of the people” are executed and their bodies tossed in a mass grave:

Its rim brimmed with the criminal elite’s corpses — monopolists, intellectuals, artists, priests and other irredeemable deviants blind to the nation’s “New Dawn.”

Where could this place possibly be?

Anyway, climbing down into the pit, Tomas tries to steal the shoes off of a decaying body; one comes off easily, but while trying to remove the other, he pulls too hard, the corpse’s leg snaps in half, and Tomas falls backward, hitting his head on a rock. Badly concussed, he notices a piece of paper in the corpse’s mouth, removes it, and recognizes the body as that of a poet who “refused to be re-educated before he got shot.” Tomas recalls the poet’s shooting as “the camp’s most memorable execution — except for the girl.” [Ed note: IS IT SARAH PALIN???? IT IS SARAH PALIN RIGHT?]

Woozy and bleeding from the back of his head, Tomas decides to rest “for just a moment” and read the dead man’s letter before sneaking back into camp, even though he knows “the captain” will soon wake. Tomas reads the poet’s letter, a declaration of undying love — almost certainly “the girl” — and its text is interspersed with Tomas’s memories of seeing “the girl” and her infant shot by a firing squad and tossed into another mass grave. The poet’s letter laments his involvement with the revolution that ultimately killed him: “Oh, Maria, what would we be if I’d loved a person not a people?” [Ed note: Sadly no.]

The POV shifts in the final section, as we see “the captain,” who has just shot a sleeping Tomas, wearily order a private to push the boy’s body into the pit. The captain glances at the love note and dismssively pockets it, and the story ends as the private asks him, “Find something, Sir?” The captain simply replies, “Toilet paper.”

Let’s start by checking off a few strong points of this fic. McCotter avoids a few of the pitfalls — heh-heh — of the postapocalyptic genre. There’s no Mary Sue character, and no overt speechifying about how the unnamed culture became the dead poet’s society. It doesn’t get bogged down in speculative details about the tactics of the revolution, or of the resistance. There’s no slash, thank god, no “Off with those pants” moment. And even though we were expecting it, there’s no blown-up Statue of Liberty to club us over the head and say it was U.S. America all the time! Even so, it’s clear that this is a tale of what will inevitably happen when people making over $250,000 annually are taxed at the same rate they were during the Clinton administration — we remember the death camps then, don’t we?

Also intriguing is McCotter’s decision to give the only named characters Latino names: Tomas, Maria, Jorge, José. We are unsure whether this is for the sake of ambiguity — “Oh, maybe it’s not the USA, but instead it is Central America!” — or if there’s a deliberate intention to suggest that lazy Messicans will revolt and take everything from the productive class, creating not a redistributionist paradise, but instead a hellish nightmare where no one has anything… Who are we kidding? This is the Daily Caller.

We don’t want to waste too much time on this thing, but now you know it exists. We wish Mr. McCotter good luck with his writing! Remember, Thad, give us characters we can care about! Next up, we’ll take a look at the latest installment of a far better fanfic, Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, and then, as always, we’ll close with some My Little Pony Rule 34. I don’t know why you people keep requesting that.

[Daily Caller]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "When are first-time posters going to learn that tossing around Latin all willy-nilly suggests pretentiousness, not gravitas?"

    My Pinus Nigra comment earlier suggested neither of these things, only immaturity.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I don't know what the hell you are talking about, but I know Tempus Fugit and something something cunnilingus. Totally Latin.

    1. Antispandex

      Sorry. In vino veritas, is the only latin I know. Oddly appropriate considering this is Wonkette and all.

          1. GemlikeFlame

            From memory, second declension nominative of plura, which is to say a metric assload of things (sorry for the coarseness, my Latin teacher had a rather earthy teaching style, and now I have to go look it up and see if I'm anywhere near right.)

            For sheer obfuscation I prefer aliquot, though.

          2. sullivanst

            It would have to be ablative coming after "E", no? "Out of many" is definitely an ablative sense.

          3. GemlikeFlame

            Fine, ablative. For extra credit, please tell me which of the 75 kinds of ablative it is. No wonder it's a dead language.

          4. sullivanst

            Ablative of separation.

            Fun fact: the ablative absolute exists in English, sort of. Also, many of the reasons that English is considered one of the hardest languages for non-native speakers to learn have to do with it not having rules that were present in Latin. I struggled as much with parts of Moby Dick as I did with Catullus – case and gender agreement makes widely separated elements from complex sentences easier to reunite – but the latter was more rewarding.

  2. Antispandex

    "Thad McCotter, whose author tag describes him as “a simple country lawyer …"

    Wait, I thought we hated lawyers. Because, you know, tort reform. I'm sure there are other reasons to hate him, but lawyer seems like it should be enough.

      1. actor212

        Ah, yes! I have fond memories of his "Here I sit, all broken-hearted" poem, a reflection on the futility of the human condition, followed by "For a good time, call Thad," a joyous celebration of diversity.

      1. MosesInvests

        My dad always said, "If someone tells you he's just an ol' country boy, put your hand on your wallet."

    1. bobbert

      I think it's worse than that: it's SAM ERVIN LIBEL!!!

      I watched Sam Ervin on teevee. Sam Ervin was probably my last idol. Thad McWhatzafuck is not Sam Motherfucking Ervin.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Naw man, in that weirdness the chick lives (i saw that show for the first time yesterday coincidentally, IN AMERICA!!! …or something I couldn't understand their Puerto Rican accents and I was distracted by the lack of zombie Natalie Wood) But anywoo, sweetie, you can't have a GOPer driven plot where a lame ass girl is the one who survives.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Dang I coulda maybe really gotten into that, being an Irish gal who mostly wants to be a fakakta Jew. It woulda made more sense too, I mean, are Polish people really that fighty?

        2. gullywompr

          I was watching that show last night, but it was in the 20's, and there were some Italians also too. Poor Gyp Rossetti…

    2. vulpes82

      When you're a comrade of The Revolution, you're a comrade all the way, from your first armed rebellion to your glorious death against the bourgeois revanchists… (It loses its punch, I think.)

  3. SoBeach

    When are first-time posters going to learn that tossing around Latin all willy-nilly suggests pretentiousness, not gravitas?

    That one is all win.

  4. calliecallie

    "Birthing a new nation where no one was poor required everyone doing their duty. Those who did lived; those who didn’t died."

    Do your duty, poors! So you won't be poor. Birth of a nation, Tomas.

    Wow. Thad McCooter is more fucked up than I thought.

  5. prommie

    I am sure its better than any of my pathetic efforts. What a fucking sad lonely stereotype of an English major I was dreaming of writing the Great American Novel and running with the bulls in Pamplona and writing the most wretched drivel ever seen on earth. And fucking Catch-22 turns out to be the great american novel and how the fuck does point of view work and how in the fuck was I supposed to keep it consistent? So then you chain yourself to a desk and work away your youth and your strength at a job you despise until your spirit dies and your body follows suit. See, I am fucking hopeful!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      I don't know, did you try writing about a wide-eyed college gal getting tied up and spanked by an artsy dude? Or high school girls getting tied up and spanked by vampires and werewolves? You seem to know about being tied to a desk, maybe run with that? Cause I hate to tells ya, but that is what passes for Great in American novels now.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Aw, look at you all knowing the plot of that shit. And ANYway, soul-stealing is really where its at. Go with the vampires.

        1. Butch_Wagstaff

          To up the kink factor, throw in a lycanthrope Elizabeth Van Lew helping Abe with the spanking.

    2. CrunchyKnee

      This Ain't No Picnic

      Working on the edge
      Losing my self-respect
      For a man who presides over me
      The principles of his creed
      Punch in, punch out
      Eight hours, five days
      Sweat, pain and agony
      On Friday I'll get paid

      This ain't no picnic
      This ain't no picnic
      This ain't no picnic
      This ain't no picnic

      Hey mister don't look down on me
      For what I believe
      I got my bills and the rent
      I should be content
      But our land isn't free
      So I'll work my youth away
      In the place of a machine
      I refuse to be a slave

      This ain't no picnic
      This ain't no picnic
      This ain't no picnic
      This ain't no picnic

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Its rim brimmed with the criminal elite’s corpses — monopolists, intellectuals, artists, priests and other irredeemable deviants blind to the nation’s “New Dawn.”

    I didn't realize that the Twilight series was so dark and political.

  7. Blueb4sinrise

    …illegally looting the corpses…
    BUT THEY'RE ZOMBIES !!!!!!!!!!!!
    And they eat Tomas' cabeza!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Oblios_Cap

    The story sounds like it was set in modern day sub-saharan Africa, what with the child soldiers of the Lord's Army, and such. But I'm not a country bumpkin lawyer, so what do I know?

  9. edgydrifter

    Wild-eyed brown people getting shot and dumped into pits? I assume Thad wrote this with a raging boner.

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        I saw the original as a kid. I was about 9 years old. Even then I realized it was crap. I always knew what that when way too many kids who grew up in the 1980s went to Hollywood, it would not end well. Examples: a fucking Smurfs movie, a GI Joe movie, a fucking remake of Red Dawn, and the entire Transformers movie franchise. And people thought that making movies in 1990s based on old tv shows from the 1960s and 70s was bad enough…

  10. rickmaci

    Somebody is all bitterz and butthert over getting caught committing election fraud and being run out of town tarred and feathered and riding on a greased log. Although I'm guessing he wasn't so mad about the greased log part.

  11. noodlesalad

    Child soldiers being trained to hate intellectuals and poets? Sounds like the College Republicans are stepping up their game.

  12. Callyson

    Birthing a new nation where no one was poor required everyone doing their duty. Those who did lived; those who didn’t died.

    Sounds like this story takes place at the National Processing of America call center…

  13. SoBeach

    Its rim brimmed with the criminal elite’s corpses — monopolists, intellectuals, artists, priests…

    So who's on the other side, killing all these people? Cuz it seems to me if you've got the rich, the smarties, the artists, and the church all on the same side you can't lose.

    Unless the other side has death rays…

  14. asterixaverni

    Goddamit! I spend all day actually working and come here to fuck off and what do I find? More fucking ponies! And some really badly written porn. I might as well go back to working – this sucks!

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Apparently you didn't learn your lesson the last time someone complained about the ponies. Trust me, THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN PONIES. horrible, horrible things.

  15. Mumbletypeg

    Adrenaline coursed through limbs thinner than the diet of cold gruel the soldiers fed him and the foraged fruit the kind captain snuck him

    Thaddy-boy, why are you even trying?
    Save yourself some headache: sell the rights to your plump-with-potential name instead; in the right hands you could achieve literary immortality with a fraction of the tedium this purple prosey effort is exerting on you.

  16. Oblios_Cap

    I'll bet McCotter didn't write this "book". I'll bet it was ghostwritten by Louie Gomhert.

    But if McCotter did write it, doen't that make him an artist? Shoot the Bastard!

    with votes, of course.

  17. SmutBoffin

    I look forward to buying the Thad McC's complete collection of short stories entitled Stultus* sum.

    * stulto?

  18. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This story would be better with some cannibalisms or maybe zombies. Yeah, Tomas is trying to steal the shoes off a zombie. Exciting!

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        I really wanted to like it, but the guy honestly had no idea Austen was being snarkalicious. It made the whole thing fall flattish. (Except for the whole shooting jaunt to bag "the first zombies of spring" which was a terrific image.)

        (And the ninjas.)

    1. Negropolis

      It's worse; literature is now undead…literally. Everything is fucking zombies and vampies, now. Everything.

  19. Lascauxcaveman

    Y'know Doc, technically the term "Fan Fiction" only applies to stories written using the characters and basic framework of previously established fictional works, and technically, "Slash" fiction has parts where those characters have sex.

    Technically, McCotter's efforts here fall under neither category, but rather under the category of "shit."

  20. MonkeyMotion

    The captain glances at the love note and dismissively pockets it, and the story ends as the private asks him, “Find something, Sir?” The captain simply replies, “Toilet paper.”

    Hmm. Gives me an idea for Thad's book.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    I'm glad there are brave souls like Thad McCotter out there who are using fiction for the purpose of taking a stand against brutal authoritarianism. Pol Pot must be shaking in his woven flip-flops right now.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    At night the soldiers slept, the prisoners prayed and the jungle shrieked with life.

    Holy crap — I almost died of boredom just reading that. I'm not even gonna try to look at the second sentence.

    1. schvitzatura

      Darken the city, night is a wire
      Steam in the subway, earth is a afire
      Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo

      or was it:

      Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh?

  23. Jus_Wonderin

    "Oh, oh, oh. Mr. McCotter. Mr. McCotter."

    ETA: Shucks. Someone beat me to the reference. Shucks. Up my nose with a rubber hose.

  24. malsperanza

    This story is obviously set in Pinochet's Chile, and is an impassioned allegorical indictment of right-wing authoritarian regimes in Latin America and their American sponsors.

    Thad McCotter (or whomever you are behind that anonymous mask, Noam): I salute you!

  25. gullywompr

    You know what's really not very good? That I now know the names of all three ponies in that picture.

  26. WhatTheHolyHeck

    GOD DAMN IT, DOK, why in the fucking hell did you post to a barely-updated WIP?


    (Please tell me there's a point to the whole Azkaban thingy and the intramural battle tournaments other than to channel Manga and summer camp color war memes.)

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        I want to hate you, I do, but thet's one hell of a story. Plus you also kind of rock a bit.

  27. owhatever

    Tomas made his escape as far as the four-car elevator in the seaside home of the rightful government's leader, but the leader's wife, known to all as Beloved Egg, sobbing softly, ran over him with her Cadillac.

  28. mustangsavvy

    I refuse to believe that an actual human being is called "Thaddeus McCotter". This is clearly a liberal media cover-up of some sort. That name obviously belongs to a chipmunk.

  29. CommieLibunatic

    Holy fuck, I've written better stories based on those swirling Freudian hellholes I call my dreams.

  30. GeorgiaBurning

    don't tell me- when the rest of us were hiding porn from our parents, his stash was worn paperbacks of Lord of the Rings, Atlas Shrugged and Steppenwolf

  31. glamourdammerung

    His earlier fiction (the list of supporters) was much better paced and more well though-out.

  32. BoroPrimorac

    Thad, drop all this romantic bullshit and write a story about relinquishing your seat to crazy elk guy.

  33. C_R_Eature

    The only time I ever use Latin here is to call people like Thad McCotter things like Acanthonus armatus.

    Pretentious? Nah. It's not Pretension, it's Tradition.

  34. Negropolis

    Let me tell you, there is neither anything simple nor country about Livonia, though, I can think of a lot of other ways to describe the city…

  35. Negropolis

    BTW, fuck McCotter for letting all of his underlings take the fall for his election fraud. Fucking coward.

    BTW x 2, wait 'til you get a load of the guy that won his district. He'll make McCotter look downright level-headed.

  36. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Shoot the guy for looting, pocket the loot … very original, Thad.
    Now that you're done with it, Kurt Vonnegut wants his scene back.

  37. ttommyunger

    Lack of "Life Experience" strike again: Thad, when the executioners get through, there is nothing of value left on, in or around the corpse to loot. Dummy!

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