YOU CAN'T FAP TO THIS  3:15 pm December 3, 2012

Recovering Weirdo Congressbum Thaddeus McCotter Wrote A Short Story! It’s Not Very Good!

by Doktor Zoom

Credit where credit is due: At least there's no Pinkie / Dash shippingGreetings, prose-act nation, and welcome to Doktor Zoom’s Fanfic Corner. Today, we’ll be sampling some awesome fan fiction from around the web. Our first selection is from a site that doesn’t usually run fanfic, Tucker Carlson’s Internet Tendency. It’s by aspiring TV sitcom writer and Tea Party rockmeister Thad McCotter, whose author tag describes him as “a simple country lawyer from Detroit and a recovering Congressbum.” Ha-ha! Self-deprecating humor will win the reader over for sure!

While McCotter hasn’t specified what fictional universe the story is set in, it wouldn’t seem out of place in the worlds of Revolution, Red Dawn, or perhaps The Turner Diaries. It’s a fairly routine post-apocalyptic political “what-if” story titled “In Aeternum,” which is of course Latin for “Forever.” When are first-time posters going to learn that tossing around Latin all willy-nilly suggests pretentiousness, not gravitas?

In any case, the story goes something like this (and of course, spoiler warnings apply, insofar as something this predictable can be spoiled): Tomas, a 13-year-old child soldier forced to carry a gun in the “Grand Army of the People” in an unnamed “war-ravaged land,” slips away from his camp to try to supplement his meager belongings by illegally looting the corpses of those who were executed by the rebels. We get few hints of where and when the story takes place, only that it is set in a jungle, and that the revolution is devoted to

Birthing a new nation where no one was poor required everyone doing their duty. Those who did lived; those who didn’t died.

We also find out that Tomas is at a camp where “enemies of the people” are executed and their bodies tossed in a mass grave:

Its rim brimmed with the criminal elite’s corpses — monopolists, intellectuals, artists, priests and other irredeemable deviants blind to the nation’s “New Dawn.”

Where could this place possibly be?

Anyway, climbing down into the pit, Tomas tries to steal the shoes off of a decaying body; one comes off easily, but while trying to remove the other, he pulls too hard, the corpse’s leg snaps in half, and Tomas falls backward, hitting his head on a rock. Badly concussed, he notices a piece of paper in the corpse’s mouth, removes it, and recognizes the body as that of a poet who “refused to be re-educated before he got shot.” Tomas recalls the poet’s shooting as “the camp’s most memorable execution — except for the girl.” [Ed note: IS IT SARAH PALIN???? IT IS SARAH PALIN RIGHT?]

Woozy and bleeding from the back of his head, Tomas decides to rest “for just a moment” and read the dead man’s letter before sneaking back into camp, even though he knows “the captain” will soon wake. Tomas reads the poet’s letter, a declaration of undying love — almost certainly “the girl” — and its text is interspersed with Tomas’s memories of seeing “the girl” and her infant shot by a firing squad and tossed into another mass grave. The poet’s letter laments his involvement with the revolution that ultimately killed him: “Oh, Maria, what would we be if I’d loved a person not a people?” [Ed note: Sadly no.]

The POV shifts in the final section, as we see “the captain,” who has just shot a sleeping Tomas, wearily order a private to push the boy’s body into the pit. The captain glances at the love note and dismssively pockets it, and the story ends as the private asks him, “Find something, Sir?” The captain simply replies, “Toilet paper.”

Let’s start by checking off a few strong points of this fic. McCotter avoids a few of the pitfalls — heh-heh — of the postapocalyptic genre. There’s no Mary Sue character, and no overt speechifying about how the unnamed culture became the dead poet’s society. It doesn’t get bogged down in speculative details about the tactics of the revolution, or of the resistance. There’s no slash, thank god, no “Off with those pants” moment. And even though we were expecting it, there’s no blown-up Statue of Liberty to club us over the head and say it was U.S. America all the time! Even so, it’s clear that this is a tale of what will inevitably happen when people making over $250,000 annually are taxed at the same rate they were during the Clinton administration — we remember the death camps then, don’t we?

Also intriguing is McCotter’s decision to give the only named characters Latino names: Tomas, Maria, Jorge, José. We are unsure whether this is for the sake of ambiguity — “Oh, maybe it’s not the USA, but instead it is Central America!” — or if there’s a deliberate intention to suggest that lazy Messicans will revolt and take everything from the productive class, creating not a redistributionist paradise, but instead a hellish nightmare where no one has anything… Who are we kidding? This is the Daily Caller.

We don’t want to waste too much time on this thing, but now you know it exists. We wish Mr. McCotter good luck with his writing! Remember, Thad, give us characters we can care about! Next up, we’ll take a look at the latest installment of a far better fanfic, Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, and then, as always, we’ll close with some My Little Pony Rule 34. I don’t know why you people keep requesting that.

[Daily Caller]

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and if you want to receive 140-character bursts of pure gravitas, Doktor Zoom is on Twitter too.

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 205 comments }

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 3, 2012 at 3:19 pm

"When are first-time posters going to learn that tossing around Latin all willy-nilly suggests pretentiousness, not gravitas?"

My Pinus Nigra comment earlier suggested neither of these things, only immaturity.

prommie December 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Varium et mutabile semper femina!

FakaktaSouth December 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I don't know what the hell you are talking about, but I know Tempus Fugit and something something cunnilingus. Totally Latin.

prommie December 3, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae

skoalrebel December 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Simia quam similis, turpissimus bestia, nobis! [sputo]

Antispandex December 3, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Sorry. In vino veritas, is the only latin I know. Oddly appropriate considering this is Wonkette and all.

sullivanst December 3, 2012 at 3:46 pm

"E pluribus unum" libel!

Antispandex December 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

No, no, it's just that I don't know what a "pluribus" is, that's all.

GemlikeFlame December 4, 2012 at 2:46 am

From memory, second declension nominative of plura, which is to say a metric assload of things (sorry for the coarseness, my Latin teacher had a rather earthy teaching style, and now I have to go look it up and see if I'm anywhere near right.)

For sheer obfuscation I prefer aliquot, though.

noodlesalad December 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Sic Semper Teabaggus!

SnarkOff December 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Wingnuttium Leviosa!

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 3, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Today I have learned that google translator is for shit.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Mea volitant navis plena est anguillae.

OurDailyBread December 4, 2012 at 1:14 am

So beautiful, I am crying.

MosesInvests December 4, 2012 at 1:09 am

Pie Iesu Domine, dona eis requiem. (Whap!)

Antispandex December 3, 2012 at 3:20 pm

"Thad McCotter, whose author tag describes him as “a simple country lawyer …"

Wait, I thought we hated lawyers. Because, you know, tort reform. I'm sure there are other reasons to hate him, but lawyer seems like it should be enough.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 3:25 pm

He channeling Sam Ervin?

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Who says you can't hate yourself? He was, indeed, lawyer before he went into politics.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 3:21 pm

“Grand Army of the People”

The G A P…

So it's really roman a clef for the GOP?

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Plus, stylish fashion wear.

PubOption December 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Or Condoleezza Rice's teeth.

SuspectedDemocrat December 3, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Sounds like the story is set in a Banana Republic.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr December 3, 2012 at 4:38 pm

They recruit child soldiers from Baby Gap.

SuspectedDemocrat December 3, 2012 at 4:40 pm

To fight in the Old Navy?

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 11:48 pm

No, the Old Navy was their opponent.

Disassembly December 3, 2012 at 3:22 pm

It's really too bad this guy rim-brimmed himself out of a job.

sbj1964 December 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

rim-brimmed,is that a sex act?

Butch_Wagstaff December 3, 2012 at 6:20 pm

It is now!

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I'm going to need a bigger trash can.

And I'm not even pregnant.

Gleem McShineys December 3, 2012 at 6:58 pm

RIM BRIMMED DOWN TO BROWN TOWN!!

/Tourettes

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 3:23 pm

The joke is McCotter claiming to be a writer.

Right?

sbj1964 December 3, 2012 at 4:08 pm

His best work is on the Men's room wall exit 47 the stucky's.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Ah, yes! I have fond memories of his "Here I sit, all broken-hearted" poem, a reflection on the futility of the human condition, followed by "For a good time, call Thad," a joyous celebration of diversity.

ManchuCandidate December 3, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Tom Clancy better watch out cause Thad is going to be a literary sensation. By sensation, I mean syphilis.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 4, 2012 at 8:39 am

As in "annoying itch."

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 3, 2012 at 3:24 pm

A simple country lawyer from Detroit?

Also, by simple he means stupid, right?

emmelemm December 3, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Nail, meet head!

Butch_Wagstaff December 3, 2012 at 6:25 pm

A simple country lawyer = a lawyer you definitely don't want representing you in court.

MosesInvests December 4, 2012 at 1:11 am

My dad always said, "If someone tells you he's just an ol' country boy, put your hand on your wallet."

Negropolis December 4, 2012 at 5:46 am

And, same advice if you ever see someone advertising themself as a "Christian" businessperson.

bobbert December 3, 2012 at 8:16 pm

I think it's worse than that: it's SAM ERVIN LIBEL!!!

I watched Sam Ervin on teevee. Sam Ervin was probably my last idol. Thad McWhatzafuck is not Sam Motherfucking Ervin.

Chow Yun Flat December 3, 2012 at 11:18 pm

If he doesn't mean stupid he should.

Loch_Nessosaur December 3, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Where'e the buttsechs?

Or, Ubi blandeque coruscant sexus?

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 3:25 pm

"Latino names: Tomas, Maria, Jorge, José. "

So, post-apocalyptic West Side Story?

prommie December 3, 2012 at 3:52 pm

There's a place for us!

FakaktaSouth December 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Naw man, in that weirdness the chick lives (i saw that show for the first time yesterday coincidentally, IN AMERICA!!! …or something I couldn't understand their Puerto Rican accents and I was distracted by the lack of zombie Natalie Wood) But anywoo, sweetie, you can't have a GOPer driven plot where a lame ass girl is the one who survives.

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Fun fact: it was originally supposed to be the Irish vs. the Jews, in the late '40s.

FakaktaSouth December 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Dang I coulda maybe really gotten into that, being an Irish gal who mostly wants to be a fakakta Jew. It woulda made more sense too, I mean, are Polish people really that fighty?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr December 3, 2012 at 4:40 pm

"I mean, are Polish people really that fighty?"

Ever been to Chicago?

gullywompr December 3, 2012 at 8:17 pm

I was watching that show last night, but it was in the 20's, and there were some Italians also too. Poor Gyp Rossetti…

vulpes82 December 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

When you're a comrade of The Revolution, you're a comrade all the way, from your first armed rebellion to your glorious death against the bourgeois revanchists… (It loses its punch, I think.)

SuspectedDemocrat December 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm

♪♫ I just executed a girl named Maria ♪♫

Freewayblogger December 3, 2012 at 3:25 pm

My preferred method of publishing:
http://freewayblogger.blogspot.com/2012/11/permaf

Guaranteed readership!

SoBeach December 3, 2012 at 3:26 pm

When are first-time posters going to learn that tossing around Latin all willy-nilly suggests pretentiousness, not gravitas?

That one is all win.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 4, 2012 at 8:42 am

Gravitas … what language is that?

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Alan Moore will be initiating his lawsuit in 3… 2…

Butch_Wagstaff December 3, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Followed by Harlan Ellison…

calliecallie December 3, 2012 at 3:27 pm

"Birthing a new nation where no one was poor required everyone doing their duty. Those who did lived; those who didn’t died."

Do your duty, poors! So you won't be poor. Birth of a nation, Tomas.

Wow. Thad McCooter is more fucked up than I thought.

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Romani Eunt Ite Domum!!

MosesInvests December 4, 2012 at 1:13 am

Now copy that 1000 times or I'll cut your balls off!

memzilla December 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

"It was a dark and stormy wingtard."

prommie December 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I am sure its better than any of my pathetic efforts. What a fucking sad lonely stereotype of an English major I was dreaming of writing the Great American Novel and running with the bulls in Pamplona and writing the most wretched drivel ever seen on earth. And fucking Catch-22 turns out to be the great american novel and how the fuck does point of view work and how in the fuck was I supposed to keep it consistent? So then you chain yourself to a desk and work away your youth and your strength at a job you despise until your spirit dies and your body follows suit. See, I am fucking hopeful!

FakaktaSouth December 3, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I don't know, did you try writing about a wide-eyed college gal getting tied up and spanked by an artsy dude? Or high school girls getting tied up and spanked by vampires and werewolves? You seem to know about being tied to a desk, maybe run with that? Cause I hate to tells ya, but that is what passes for Great in American novels now.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 3:43 pm

SLOW DOWN!

"Spanked….vampires…to a desk…"

Go on?

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Don't forget british boys who like to play with their wands.

prommie December 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

50 shades of grey, hey, that describes my hair!

FakaktaSouth December 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Aw, look at you all knowing the plot of that shit. And ANYway, soul-stealing is really where its at. Go with the vampires.

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I've got one! Undead Abraham Lincoln ties up and spanks Confederate Debutantes…

FakaktaSouth December 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

hmm, for some reason I really really like that one…

Doktor Zoom December 3, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Little did he suspect the saucy lass wore nothing below her Mason-Dixon Line…

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Something something emancipate writhing bottom…

Butch_Wagstaff December 3, 2012 at 6:54 pm

To up the kink factor, throw in a lycanthrope Elizabeth Van Lew helping Abe with the spanking.

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 11:51 pm

So, the Great American Novel is now done by the Brits? I should have assumed as much.

Oblios_Cap December 3, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Your touching story has really moved me deeply.

CrunchyKnee December 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Minutemen
This Ain't No Picnic

Working on the edge
Losing my self-respect
For a man who presides over me
The principles of his creed
Punch in, punch out
Eight hours, five days
Sweat, pain and agony
On Friday I'll get paid

This ain't no picnic
This ain't no picnic
This ain't no picnic
This ain't no picnic

Hey mister don't look down on me
For what I believe
I got my bills and the rent
I should be content
But our land isn't free
So I'll work my youth away
In the place of a machine
I refuse to be a slave

This ain't no picnic
This ain't no picnic
This ain't no picnic
This ain't no picnic

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm

That's not a bad first paragraph….

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 4:24 pm
bikerlaureate December 3, 2012 at 4:37 pm

And lyrical.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Its rim brimmed with the criminal elite’s corpses — monopolists, intellectuals, artists, priests and other irredeemable deviants blind to the nation’s “New Dawn.”

I didn't realize that the Twilight series was so dark and political.

smokefilledroommate December 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Tomas and Maria? Is this a telenovela?

vulpes82 December 3, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Not enough heaving bosoms and shirtlessness.

Butch_Wagstaff December 3, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Or make up.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr December 3, 2012 at 4:28 pm

kkkkkkkkkk.

Blueb4sinrise December 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

…illegally looting the corpses…
BUT THEY'RE ZOMBIES !!!!!!!!!!!!
And they eat Tomas' cabeza!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eternidad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come here a minute December 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Nimis longum; non legisse.

Oblios_Cap December 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

The story sounds like it was set in modern day sub-saharan Africa, what with the child soldiers of the Lord's Army, and such. But I'm not a country bumpkin lawyer, so what do I know?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 3, 2012 at 3:28 pm

If you have to give Bill Clinton credit for anything, it is that he really knew how to run a concentration camp. Almost no one complained about them during the 1990s.

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 11:52 pm

What, with all of the peace and prosperity and what-not.

edgydrifter December 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Wild-eyed brown people getting shot and dumped into pits? I assume Thad wrote this with a raging boner.

ChillBill December 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Who is this asshole again?

Oblios_Cap December 3, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I'm sure the movie will be even better than Red Dawn!

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Which one?!?!

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

AOT,K

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 4:28 pm

This new one where Thor saves all the white people?

Butch_Wagstaff December 3, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I saw the original as a kid. I was about 9 years old. Even then I realized it was crap. I always knew what that when way too many kids who grew up in the 1980s went to Hollywood, it would not end well. Examples: a fucking Smurfs movie, a GI Joe movie, a fucking remake of Red Dawn, and the entire Transformers movie franchise. And people thought that making movies in 1990s based on old tv shows from the 1960s and 70s was bad enough…

memzilla December 3, 2012 at 3:33 pm

"Rojo Amanecer Dos: Boogaloo Eléctrico"

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 11:53 pm

If you're talking about the new one, I don't see how it couldn't be better.

HempDogbane December 3, 2012 at 3:30 pm

This story went on for an Aeternity.

rickmaci December 3, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Somebody is all bitterz and butthert over getting caught committing election fraud and being run out of town tarred and feathered and riding on a greased log. Although I'm guessing he wasn't so mad about the greased log part.

smokefilledroommate December 3, 2012 at 3:31 pm

There's no Mary Sue character

What about a Mary Ann or a Ginger? (welcomes obligatory Newell jokes)

emmelemm December 3, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I am sad that no one has given you any Newell jokes.

smokefilledroommate December 3, 2012 at 8:17 pm

I'm surprised, with all the "set it up, knock it outta the park" shit here… (sorry–gets yawny and predictable after awhile).

noodlesalad December 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Child soldiers being trained to hate intellectuals and poets? Sounds like the College Republicans are stepping up their game.

Oblios_Cap December 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

"Toilet Paper!" Har!

Mumbletypeg December 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

…. How did I just know the ending was gonna be so disappointing?

CrunchyKnee December 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Where the fuck is Bumblebee man when we need him?

prommie December 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Que lastima!

BZ1 December 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Death panels do exist!

Callyson December 3, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Birthing a new nation where no one was poor required everyone doing their duty. Those who did lived; those who didn’t died.

Sounds like this story takes place at the National Processing of America call center…

sbj1964 December 3, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Soilent green is people!

bobbert December 3, 2012 at 8:21 pm

I don't know nothin' about birthin' no nation.

RedneckMuslin December 3, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Not sure if I got who the Good Guys are in this tale.

Estproph December 3, 2012 at 3:43 pm

The good guys are the publishing companies that turned this down.

memzilla December 3, 2012 at 3:34 pm

What an Æsshat.

Goonemeritus December 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Faciendum opus Dei. creare purgamentum est ad blasphemandum Deum.

SoBeach December 3, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Its rim brimmed with the criminal elite’s corpses — monopolists, intellectuals, artists, priests…

So who's on the other side, killing all these people? Cuz it seems to me if you've got the rich, the smarties, the artists, and the church all on the same side you can't lose.

Unless the other side has death rays…

Oblios_Cap December 3, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Two of those classes appear to be criminal, for sure.

zippy_w_pinhead December 3, 2012 at 3:45 pm

sharks with lasers…

mavenmaven December 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

He's just like Philip K Dick, without the Philip K part.

CrunchyKnee December 3, 2012 at 3:39 pm

That made me smile into my gin and tonic and hobo bean lunch.

zippy_w_pinhead December 3, 2012 at 3:46 pm

more like Andy at the end of a three day bender…

Doktor Zoom December 3, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Do Randroids Dream of Electric Sheeple?

Lascauxcaveman December 3, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I was going to say he rites as good as Ayn Rand, maybe even gooder!

asterixaverni December 3, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Goddamit! I spend all day actually working and come here to fuck off and what do I find? More fucking ponies! And some really badly written porn. I might as well go back to working – this sucks!

Oblios_Cap December 3, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Suit your self. At least there are no unicorns to send you off a-twitter!

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 3, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Apparently you didn't learn your lesson the last time someone complained about the ponies. Trust me, THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN PONIES. horrible, horrible things.

Doktor Zoom December 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm
asterixaverni December 4, 2012 at 8:42 am

Sir, I have but one, albeit pithy, response:

LOL!!!!!!

zippy_w_pinhead December 3, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Worst West Side Story remake evah!!

sbj1964 December 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Need more Hammerstein,less Rodgers.

zippy_w_pinhead December 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

or Bernstein even…

Barrelhse December 3, 2012 at 3:41 pm

My God, this asshat thinks he's Sam Ervin? Suck it, "McCotter".

zippy_w_pinhead December 3, 2012 at 3:46 pm

welcome back, McCotter

Estproph December 3, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I can't wait for his Twilight fanfic.

littlebigdaddy December 3, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Thanks for reading this, Dok, so we don't have to.

Mumbletypeg December 3, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Adrenaline coursed through limbs thinner than the diet of cold gruel the soldiers fed him and the foraged fruit the kind captain snuck him

Thaddy-boy, why are you even trying?
Save yourself some headache: sell the rights to your plump-with-potential name instead; in the right hands you could achieve literary immortality with a fraction of the tedium this purple prosey effort is exerting on you.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 3:46 pm

In fairness, this book was probably better¹ than The Road

¹ For starting fires.

JustPixelz December 3, 2012 at 5:17 pm

How did you get a superscript? Is that an HTML tag? lemme try it: actor<super>212</super>

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I wonder if this guy ever saw "V for Vendetta."

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I don't think he made it past the letter "N"

TootsStansbury December 3, 2012 at 3:49 pm

For sale: brain, never used.

Oblios_Cap December 3, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I'll bet McCotter didn't write this "book". I'll bet it was ghostwritten by Louie Gomhert.

But if McCotter did write it, doen't that make him an artist? Shoot the Bastard!

with votes, of course.

weejee December 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Think yer pony may need glasses.

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Did Tomas tell anyone "Avenge me!" ?

SmutBoffin December 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I look forward to buying the Thad McC's complete collection of short stories entitled Stultus* sum.

* stulto?

PopeEdgardo December 3, 2012 at 3:58 pm

ut-way the uck-fay.

BigSkullF*ckingDog December 3, 2012 at 3:59 pm

This story would be better with some cannibalisms or maybe zombies. Yeah, Tomas is trying to steal the shoes off a zombie. Exciting!

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Ladies, take note of the graphic above: an Ass Perm can be stylish and glamorous!

Wadisay December 3, 2012 at 4:01 pm

This makes The Hunger Games sound like Pride and Prejudice.

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 4:33 pm
WhatTheHolyHeck December 3, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I really wanted to like it, but the guy honestly had no idea Austen was being snarkalicious. It made the whole thing fall flattish. (Except for the whole shooting jaunt to bag "the first zombies of spring" which was a terrific image.)

(And the ninjas.)

imissopus December 3, 2012 at 4:02 pm

And they say literature is dead.

SayItWithWookies December 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

They just didn't know how dead.

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 11:58 pm

It's worse; literature is now undead…literally. Everything is fucking zombies and vampies, now. Everything.

Tundra Grifter December 3, 2012 at 4:03 pm

"Recovering Congressbum."

You're not welcome back, McCotter!

Tundra Grifter December 3, 2012 at 4:05 pm

He's the Jon McNaughton of writing.

Lascauxcaveman December 3, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Y'know Doc, technically the term "Fan Fiction" only applies to stories written using the characters and basic framework of previously established fictional works, and technically, "Slash" fiction has parts where those characters have sex.

Technically, McCotter's efforts here fall under neither category, but rather under the category of "shit."

MonkeyMotion December 3, 2012 at 4:08 pm

The captain glances at the love note and dismissively pockets it, and the story ends as the private asks him, “Find something, Sir?” The captain simply replies, “Toilet paper.”

Hmm. Gives me an idea for Thad's book.

Chet Kincaid_ December 3, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Needs moar pretentious instrumentals to pad it out to double-album length.

FlownOver December 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

PHYSICAL GRAFFITI LIBEL!

SayItWithWookies December 3, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I'm glad there are brave souls like Thad McCotter out there who are using fiction for the purpose of taking a stand against brutal authoritarianism. Pol Pot must be shaking in his woven flip-flops right now.

oenspiek December 3, 2012 at 4:16 pm

See? See, what your Obama vote leads to? O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!

SayItWithWookies December 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

At night the soldiers slept, the prisoners prayed and the jungle shrieked with life.

Holy crap — I almost died of boredom just reading that. I'm not even gonna try to look at the second sentence.

schvitzatura December 4, 2012 at 12:43 am

Darken the city, night is a wire
Steam in the subway, earth is a afire
Do do do do do do do dodo dododo dodo

or was it:

Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh?

Jus_Wonderin December 3, 2012 at 4:18 pm

"Oh, oh, oh. Mr. McCotter. Mr. McCotter."

ETA: Shucks. Someone beat me to the reference. Shucks. Up my nose with a rubber hose.

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Up your ass with a broken glass!

Jus_Wonderin December 3, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Owww. Owww. Owww.

malsperanza December 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

This story is obviously set in Pinochet's Chile, and is an impassioned allegorical indictment of right-wing authoritarian regimes in Latin America and their American sponsors.

Thad McCotter (or whomever you are behind that anonymous mask, Noam): I salute you!

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

So, is the New Yorker or Harper's going to publish this?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr December 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Tiger Beat is going to serialize it.

Doktor Zoom December 3, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Harpy's Monthly.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr December 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

The Onion to McCotter:

"Tu stultus es."

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 4:24 pm

"simple country lawyer"

Your move, Atticus Finch.

fuflans December 3, 2012 at 4:24 pm

so everyone's dead?

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 4:25 pm

So, was Tomas in this country because of the DREAM Act?

gullywompr December 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

You know what's really not very good? That I now know the names of all three ponies in that picture.

Doktor Zoom December 3, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Resistance is futile.

gullywompr December 3, 2012 at 5:13 pm

For your next book review – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbsXev8Lkr8.

littlebigdaddy December 3, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I'll bet no one has ever welcomed this asshat back, ever.

WhatTheHolyHeck December 3, 2012 at 4:48 pm

GOD DAMN IT, DOK, why in the fucking hell did you post to a barely-updated WIP?

whyyyyyyyyyyy

(Please tell me there's a point to the whole Azkaban thingy and the intramural battle tournaments other than to channel Manga and summer camp color war memes.)

Doktor Zoom December 3, 2012 at 7:50 pm

I'm kind of mean that way.

WhatTheHolyHeck December 3, 2012 at 9:34 pm

I want to hate you, I do, but thet's one hell of a story. Plus you also kind of rock a bit.

owhatever December 3, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Tomas made his escape as far as the four-car elevator in the seaside home of the rightful government's leader, but the leader's wife, known to all as Beloved Egg, sobbing softly, ran over him with her Cadillac.

Rufus T. Firefly December 3, 2012 at 5:44 pm

So: Man's Inhumanity To Man?

JustPixelz December 3, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Ah, irony. A writer's stock and trade. McCotter understands irony as well as any GO-Pee'er.

mustangsavvy December 3, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I refuse to believe that an actual human being is called "Thaddeus McCotter". This is clearly a liberal media cover-up of some sort. That name obviously belongs to a chipmunk.

CommieLibunatic December 3, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Holy fuck, I've written better stories based on those swirling Freudian hellholes I call my dreams.

GeorgiaBurning December 3, 2012 at 6:59 pm

don't tell me- when the rest of us were hiding porn from our parents, his stash was worn paperbacks of Lord of the Rings, Atlas Shrugged and Steppenwolf

glamourdammerung December 3, 2012 at 7:09 pm

His earlier fiction (the list of supporters) was much better paced and more well though-out.

BoroPrimorac December 3, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Thad, drop all this romantic bullshit and write a story about relinquishing your seat to crazy elk guy.

Negropolis December 4, 2012 at 12:01 am

Reindeer libel!

C_R_Eature December 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm

The only time I ever use Latin here is to call people like Thad McCotter things like Acanthonus armatus.

Pretentious? Nah. It's not Pretension, it's Tradition.

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Let me tell you, there is neither anything simple nor country about Livonia, though, I can think of a lot of other ways to describe the city…

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 11:45 pm

BTW, fuck McCotter for letting all of his underlings take the fall for his election fraud. Fucking coward.

BTW x 2, wait 'til you get a load of the guy that won his district. He'll make McCotter look downright level-headed.

schvitzatura December 4, 2012 at 12:51 am

CLINT MANSELL LIBELS!!1!

Biel_ze_Bubba December 4, 2012 at 8:58 am

Shoot the guy for looting, pocket the loot … very original, Thad.
Now that you're done with it, Kurt Vonnegut wants his scene back.

DahBoner December 4, 2012 at 9:07 am

Birthing a new nation

But we had to 'bort it, because it was 'tarded.

mrblifil December 4, 2012 at 9:32 am

I came for the snark, I stayed for the LOLZponies.

ttommyunger December 4, 2012 at 11:15 am

Lack of "Life Experience" strike again: Thad, when the executioners get through, there is nothing of value left on, in or around the corpse to loot. Dummy!

notanncoulter December 4, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I'm currently negotiating the movie rights.
Hmmm… any casting ideas?

redarmyzombie December 5, 2012 at 2:13 am

Say, Dok, speaking of fanfiction,

Are you at all familiar with Full Life Consequences? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHxyZaZlaOs

NellCote71 December 3, 2012 at 6:37 pm

She, a ward of northern aggression.

sullivanst December 4, 2012 at 9:44 am

It would have to be ablative coming after "E", no? "Out of many" is definitely an ablative sense.

GemlikeFlame December 4, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Fine, ablative. For extra credit, please tell me which of the 75 kinds of ablative it is. No wonder it's a dead language.

sullivanst December 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Ablative of separation.

Fun fact: the ablative absolute exists in English, sort of. Also, many of the reasons that English is considered one of the hardest languages for non-native speakers to learn have to do with it not having rules that were present in Latin. I struggled as much with parts of Moby Dick as I did with Catullus – case and gender agreement makes widely separated elements from complex sentences easier to reunite – but the latter was more rewarding.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: