and so it shall be written and so it shall be

Rick Santorum Joins John Rocker, Chuck Norris, Other Eminences, At Respectable Journal Of Conservative Thought ‘WND’

His clitoris is in his throatRick Santorum wiped the smegma from the corner of his lips. (He didn’t get it all though, the crusty dried part was still there, but it would flake off eventually.) What was he going to do with himself, now that he, like Mitt Romney, was a sad loser whom nobody wanted around? Even his wife, Sheila or something, just kept looking at him and then walking out of the room. He usually found her leaned up against the washing machine. Sometimes she was crying. The children sat quietly, as they always did. He and Sheila or whatever had raised them right. They did not run around like hellions. They didn’t waste their brains on the boob tube. They just sat, in the darkened parlor, blinking their little rabbit eyes away from the few rays of filtered light. Rick Santorum needed to do something besides drink beer all morning; he could feel his body becoming a sluggish thing separate from his increasingly paranoid brain. Rick Santorum needed a job.

Rick Santorum put his resume up on JobMonster. It said “Senator, Dad, Husband to Sheila maybe.” The only emails he got in return were from some people who had a lot of exciting franchise opportunities, and they were looking for exciting candidates like him! Did he have $25,000 for a investment? He did have $25,000 for a investment, but he did not want to be a franchisee.

He wanted to do what he had always done: have a grand platform for explaining to his fellow man and their respective sheilas that birth control is murder and something about homosexuality, who could even remember. This JobMonster thing was not working out. He sat down, and then quickly unstuck himself from the plastic slipcover on his brown plaid couch, and started working his rotary phone.

He called Tucker Carlson at the Daily Caller. He called Ghost Andrew Breitbart. But they both said they were on Mullholland and pretended their phones cut out (even though he called their landlines). They did not need a new writer who would not even have the guts and decency to stand behind saying outrageously horrible things about black people.

He heard his wife (Sharon?) whispering in the hall. She was on the phone, even though she knew how he felt about that. She was talking to Jerome Corsi at WND. He came up behind her, stealthy, stealthy and jammed his index finger down on the thing that you press to make the phone hang up. He leered, but she did not scream. Oh well. She stuttered something. He didn’t listen. A few minutes later the phone rang, and Corsi himself was on the line.

He had a great opportunity for Rick Santorum. He wanted to provide him the kind of august platform he’d had before. The great Santorum name would bring even more honor to WND. He would give him whatever he wanted if he would just say yes to penning a weekly column, in its rightful place next to the Birther stuff and the Obama gay married Islam investigations and this one masterpiece about how we should execute journalists to save the First Amendment. On this rock, Corsi said, they would build their church.

Rick Santorum loved having his ego stroked, he loved it so much! Finally, he said yes. He also said yes to the $25,000 investment Corsi asked him to make. He stopped wondering if Jerome Corsi was fucking his wife, Susan.

By the way, Jerome Corsi totally was.

[WND, via TPM]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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72 comments

  1. Barbara_

    What about those boys who like to cook and bake? What's up with that and does that make them gay? If Tyler Florence is gay, I am perfectly willing to "take one for the team" and check it out personally.

    Rebecca, you get to check out Anthony Bourdain to see if he is gay.

    1. pac

      I don't know if cooking makes you gay but baking sure as hell does. Where do you think the sweater vest comes from?

  2. 1stNewtontheMoon

    It hasn't been proven that playing with dolls won't make pre-gay little kids grow up to be gay adults. Therefore, gay kids playing with gay dolls makes them gay adults later. So, suck it Doll-Industrial Complex. We won't have you making kids happy only so they might grow up with whatever sexual identity they were going to have anyway.

    1. deanbooth

      I strapped an empty lighter fluid can to his back, filled it with gasoline, and lit it, expecting him to blast off. It was more of a Buddhist monk kind of thing.

  3. moseszd

    I had a doll, it was my mother's, and It had a great crocheted dress, too. Didn't make me gay. I also had a plastic M-16 assult rifle. It didn't make me a theater shooter. I played DnD and it didn't make me a devil worshiper. My Dr. bad didn't make me a rapist or peeping Tom…

    In fact, there are so many games and toys that failed to make me misanthropic that I don't think I could list them all… They were toys. I played with them. They wore out I got new ones. I gave them up at 12 and moved on to motorcycles and girls…

    1. Tundra Grifter

      It's right here that the Comments shift from dolls and "Dr." Ablow to Li'l Rickey and his new job…

  4. mavenmaven

    Too bad there is no paper edition of WND, otherwise it could both feature santorum and be used to wipe santorum off with.

  5. boskolives

    Comment on the time warp that is comments:

    Time is fleeting
    Madness takes its toll…

    It's just a jump to the left.

    And then a step to the right.

    With your hand on your hips.

    You bring your knees in tight.
    But it's the pelvic thrust.
    They really drive you insane.
    Let's do the Time Warp again.
    Let's do the Time Warp again.

    Wash, rinse, and repeat ad infinitum it seems……

  6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Why does the vacuum make such a horrible noise?
    Why does that guy in the blue uniform insist on stuffing envelopes through the door every day?
    What is cat poop so delicious?

    MY LIFE IS CONFUSING ENOUGH WITHOUT THESE FUCKING COMMENTS!

  7. boskolives

    About that photo, Is Santorum demonstrating proper oral etiquette to Gingrich in the photo or not? If so, he needs to extend his little finger out more, kind of like what one does when doing a trans-vaginal probe.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    I think that our Editrix must have got a special deal on the new server, "All new posts will come with 200 pre-fisted comments." Pushes the pageview counter up or something.

  9. Tundra Grifter

    "He usually found her leaned up against the washing machine." In "Campaign," which is a pretty funny movie and more accurate than it should be ("Al Queda or Taliban?") Will Farrow's character bangs his opponent's wife against the washing machine while it's running. Nice double play there.

  10. gullywompr

    Stop complaining about the server, whippersnappers! Why, in my day, if we wanted to leave a message for somebody, we had to scratch a hobo symbol on a fence post! You kids today don't know how easy you got it! You'll take this server, and you'll LIKE it!

  11. Disassembly

    It saddens me to write this but Obama's debate performance last night certainly dooms his chances at re-election, no matter what Nate Silver says.

    1. eggsacklywright

      O, ye of little faith. I predict Oblahma will win. And the Eloi will survive. And Captain Nemo will electrocute the giant squid.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    The LORD must have big plans for Santorum if he's sending him to rot away in obscurity — just like that raving shroomhead John of Patmos.

    And this server switchy thing is getting interesting — anybody else see Vincent Price with the head of a fly walk past just now?

  13. FeloniousMonk

    Who'd have expected this? O'Reilly has just conceded the war for Christmas. And on Christmas Eve!

  14. GeorgiaBurning

    I like these Mayan epicyclic servers, can't wait to read the comments on Truman beating Dewey when their resonance cycle overlaps with 1948.

  15. Troubledog

    The ads on World Net Daily are hi LAR ious

    srsly u guys i'm losing my shit. amongst the gems is an ad for a method to cheat and add 200 point to your credit score. it literally uses the word cheat.

  16. ttommyunger

    Shit, I played with dolls growing up. One of my favorites was a good-sized Raggedy-Ann Doll. Oh the fun times: shooting it with my .22, throwing it down the stairs, out the windows, stabbing it….and I turned out just fine…..

  17. Isyaignert

    Every time I see that Rick (The Smart People Won't Vote for Us) Santorum picture, it looks to me like he's taking a hit off of a Volcano vaporizer and makes me smile.

  18. pac

    Any chance we could skip the nutrient paste? It would mean a lot to me. I was beat up by a nutrient paste salesman when I was six. Ever since then I……….well I don't like to talk about it…….

  19. pac

    No that's perfect. That's the best way to get Area 21 tuned into your agenda. Well without the UN knowing……..

Comments are closed.