jive turkeys

Intrepid Reporter Matthew Boyle To Write About Thuggy Black People For Ghost Andrew Breitbart

Take a skinhead bowlingThe first time we came across the work of cub reporter Matthew Boyle, he was calling for Minority Report precogs to watch over the DC Metro (Tube?) and possibly secretly installing Nannycams in Foggy Bottom Starbucks restrooms. But our rising star went on to make quite a name for himself, reporting the shit out of stories like “Michelle Obama Was Black At Harvard,” “Barack Obama Is A New Black Panther,” “WHAT, The DNC Is Registering Black People To Vote???” and the unexpected twist in his oeuvre (because it was not about black people) “Hey Look, This Jew Is A Communist.” And now our little Matthew is all growed up and leaving Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller (did he get fired, or hired away? There is simply no way to ever know) for the big leagues of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Boo-Riffic Night-Time Halloween Haunt.

It’s not that Ghost Andrew Breitbart was a slouch in the Obama Hugs Black Guy stories — they did, after all, produce the masterpiece “Obama Hugs Black Guy.” But they simply couldn’t meet the breadth and depth of the Daily Caller’s BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACKITY BLACK HE’S BLACK Y’ALL journalisms. And obviously, that had to change.

We wish Matthew Boyle all the luck in the world reporting his next masterpiece, “Sasha and Malia Obama: Knocked Up By Thugs?”

And if you a current or lapsed Klan member you may want to apply over at Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller before MediaBistro gets the listing and John Derbyshire beats you to it.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


  1. Goonemeritus

    “Joe Scarborough wants everyone to make $250,000 per year. “

    Public sector workers will be delighted to hear this.

      1. WhatTheHeck

        Hey Actor, Oy’ll be having a Black Oyrish please.
        I love the smell of Guinness and whisky in the morning.

    1. Negropolis

      O'Bamaugh is an Blah Irish name. I don't know what the hell Boyle is outside of something you lance.

  2. Mumbletypeg

    I'd have thought one would pursue Rick Santorum as a feature celebrity blahgger.
    He may not be 'intrepid' but he's certainly been misintrepided often enough.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Apparently WIng Nut Daily locked Santorum up to an "exclusive" deal. Exclusively what, beyond batshit crazy, I have no idea.

    1. sewollef

      Damn right. I was so besides myself with impatience and not waitingness, that I went and made myself a cup of tea only to come back and it hadn't finished loading yet.

      Is this what happens when you get a boil on your neck?

    1. Negropolis

      "I dreamed a dream of times gone by
      A time when niggras knew their places…."

      Matthew Boyle, everyone.

      1. BadKitty904

        Now, if he could just learn to properly tie the one he *is* wearing, presumably borrowed from his Dad…

  3. noodlesalad

    Sorry, Wonketeers, but the First and Second Amendment guarantees that brave keyboard soldiers like Boyle get to be a raycist and stupid as they want and STAND THEIR UNTENABLE INTELLECTUAL GROUNDS forever and ever and you can't say anything nasty about them or suggest that they are handicapped upstairs because that is hatred (of white people, natch) and impeding of their freedumb.

    1. Terry

      Yep, he has the right to be raycist and stupid and the internet is here now to create a near-permanent record of what he's saying so that he can embarrass his family for generations.

        1. BadKitty904

          Ya know, now *there's* an interesting bidness opportunity!!!

          "The first step, Matt, is admitting you're an ignorant, bigoted dickhead."

          1. bikerlaureate

            Children of Ignorant, Bigoted Dickheads has more growth potential. Less denial in the next generation…

          2. MacRaith

            Oh, here's an enormous opportunity! Because everyone thinks their parents are ignorant dickheads at least once in their life. Usually when they're around 15 or 16.

  4. Respitetini

    Glad someone's out there keeping the world safe for rich white dudes. Also glad the Wingnutterati hires people fluent in Jive.

    1. Diferro_Biga

      Of course they would have people fluent in jive. Even the most brainwashed libtard would have to acknowledge that our communist leader got his start community organizing in the CB4 neighborhood.

  5. FakaktaSouth

    Well, thank Mormon Jesus Matthew's got FOUR MORE YEARS notice all the blackness there is, cause BlackBarry ain't going a damn place. Suck it and like it, I know I will.

  6. Fred Humphries II Jr

    I don't mean to sound racist…BUT! if we clean up the blah community (i.e. throw in jail, repatriate back to where ever they're from), it'll take care of–oh, 99% of the country's problems, right?

    And now I have to take a shower/acid bath after getting my head in a Daily Caller mind space.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Don't forget changing the Social Security retirement age to the average life expectancy of a black man. It will solve all of our deficit probs ever ever ever.

    2. BadKitty904

      Then the next step will be repatriating the white folks back to where ever they're from, right? Right?

    1. memzilla

      You could drill three holes* in the back of that head and probably bowl at least a 220 game.

      *with votes

  7. Lot_49

    But our rising star went on to make quite a name for himself, reporting the shit out of shitting out stories like “Michelle Obama Was Black At Harvard…


  8. prommie

    Something about that face is just unfinished. Like, he wasn't done gestating, he looks like one of those half-human things you see on the signs held up by anti-abortion protesters; or like maybe if Rick Santorum's dead baby had lived.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      My 96-yo granddad recently told my mom that he was not aware until recently that our president was a black man.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        For years as a middle school, radio-listening dweeb I thought Steely Dan's singer was a black man. By the time I actually laid eyes on one of their album covers in the store — I was beside myself, not to learn I had their race completely wrong, but that such amazing music could come from such hideous men (I had a lot left to learn — I owe much today to hideousness of all kinds)~

  9. Estproph

    Talk about these people being racist, and they knee-jerk deny it. How the hell does he not know that he is racist?

      1. Estproph

        Actually, no, I'm not sure. Just going by the amount these self-righteous jackholes on the right get so offended by being called racist. I'd be happier if they just owned up to it.

  10. James Michael Curley

    Give him a pint of ethylene glycol and the pressure will stay below the point of vaporization.

  11. GhostBuggy

    In Ghostly Andy's Scary-Not-Merry Haunted House of Horror, you don't want to know what they dress up as to jump out of the darkness to scare you.

    (It's black people. Occasionally a woman seeking contraception, but mostly black people.)

  12. rickmaci

    Why do I have a feeling that blowhole has Aryan Nation prison tats under that terrible fitting shirt?

      1. Wile E. Quixote

        Tucker Carlson is especially proud of the tat he put on Boyle's ass that reads "Tucker's Bottom Bitch – Insert Here".

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Mr. Boyle could probably use a good strong editorial pimp hand to focus his efforts. And by the looks of his authorial labors, he's good at doing the same dirty job over and over again.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    OK, we've looked at Zardoz-head up there at the top of the page quite long enough, thanks. Dok, you got any ponies?

  14. viennawoods13

    OT: I am officially pleased about the new server. Now I can log in at work without always getting Lying lies of Paul Ryan from August!!

  15. GeneralLerong

    Apropos of nothing, it's probably not good if the targeted ads one is seeing include Underberg by the case?

    Auto Editor Sees All. All Hail Auto Editor.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Oh, the one entitled "I’m enlisting to fight in Andrew Breitbart’s war." I'd be more impressed if the little fuck would enlist in the Army, oh and let me point out that by the time I was little Matthew's age I had been in for eight years.

Comments are closed.