JIVE TURKEYS  9:43 am December 3, 2012

Intrepid Reporter Matthew Boyle To Write About Thuggy Black People For Ghost Andrew Breitbart

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Take a skinhead bowlingThe first time we came across the work of cub reporter Matthew Boyle, he was calling for Minority Report precogs to watch over the DC Metro (Tube?) and possibly secretly installing Nannycams in Foggy Bottom Starbucks restrooms. But our rising star went on to make quite a name for himself, reporting the shit out of stories like “Michelle Obama Was Black At Harvard,” “Barack Obama Is A New Black Panther,” “WHAT, The DNC Is Registering Black People To Vote???” and the unexpected twist in his oeuvre (because it was not about black people) “Hey Look, This Jew Is A Communist.” And now our little Matthew is all growed up and leaving Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller (did he get fired, or hired away? There is simply no way to ever know) for the big leagues of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Boo-Riffic Night-Time Halloween Haunt.

It’s not that Ghost Andrew Breitbart was a slouch in the Obama Hugs Black Guy stories — they did, after all, produce the masterpiece “Obama Hugs Black Guy.” But they simply couldn’t meet the breadth and depth of the Daily Caller’s BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACKITY BLACK HE’S BLACK Y’ALL journalisms. And obviously, that had to change.

We wish Matthew Boyle all the luck in the world reporting his next masterpiece, “Sasha and Malia Obama: Knocked Up By Thugs?”

And if you a current or lapsed Klan member you may want to apply over at Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller before MediaBistro gets the listing and John Derbyshire beats you to it.

 
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{ 177 comments }

Not_So_Much November 27, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Ricks can't prove that he never didn't do something that he would never do anyway. Probably.

Goonemeritus November 27, 2012 at 2:10 pm

“Joe Scarborough wants everyone to make $250,000 per year. “

Public sector workers will be delighted to hear this.

EatsBabyDingos December 3, 2012 at 9:45 am

Eww, more ooze from a Matthew "Lanced" Boil piece.

memzilla December 3, 2012 at 9:48 am

"Boyle"… I wonder… is that a Blah Irish name?

BadKitty904 December 3, 2012 at 10:01 am

Suspicious. Very suspicious…

Lot_49 December 3, 2012 at 10:04 am

No Irish need apply.

It wasn't that long ago, Matt.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 10:12 am

More like Brown Irish, in that other Irishmen think he's shite.

WhatTheHeck December 3, 2012 at 11:49 am

Hey Actor, Oy’ll be having a Black Oyrish please.
I love the smell of Guinness and whisky in the morning.

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 10:31 am

O'Bamaugh is an Blah Irish name. I don't know what the hell Boyle is outside of something you lance.

valgal2342 December 3, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Boyle is a town in county Roscommon, Ireland.

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I'm sure it is.

Mumbletypeg December 3, 2012 at 9:48 am

I'd have thought one would pursue Rick Santorum as a feature celebrity blahgger.
He may not be 'intrepid' but he's certainly been misintrepided often enough.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 10:21 am

He would have wanted actual money.

Chipmunk here literally works for peanuts.

BerkeleyBear December 3, 2012 at 11:20 am

Apparently WIng Nut Daily locked Santorum up to an "exclusive" deal. Exclusively what, beyond batshit crazy, I have no idea.

MegPasadena December 3, 2012 at 11:43 am

Rick is all tied up at the World Net Daily for his “columns”.

Mahousu December 3, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Pursuing Santorum is not a good idea.

Remember, it means you're behind him.

eggsacklywright December 3, 2012 at 9:49 am

Somebody poured cold molasses on our innertubes.

sewollef December 3, 2012 at 11:31 am

Damn right. I was so besides myself with impatience and not waitingness, that I went and made myself a cup of tea only to come back and it hadn't finished loading yet.

Is this what happens when you get a boil on your neck?

MacRaith December 3, 2012 at 11:53 am

It's slower than mole's asses in January, sure enough.

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 9:49 am

But boy can that Boyle woman sing.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 10:14 am

Could be Matt wearing a dress?

Well, have YOU ever seen them in the same room? It would be irresponsible not to speculate!

thatsitfortheother1 December 3, 2012 at 10:25 am

Sources say…

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 10:28 am

So do some people.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 10:53 am

Y'know, I've now read that on the Internet in at least three different places…

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 10:33 am

"I dreamed a dream of times gone by
A time when niggras knew their places…."

Matthew Boyle, everyone.

4TheTurnstiles December 3, 2012 at 9:49 am

Golly, does he ever got soul!

memzilla December 3, 2012 at 9:50 am

If only we had some black Wonkeratti who could weigh in on this…

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

I was black as recently as 50,000 years ago. Does that count?

Redgyal December 3, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Well, can you or can't you catch a cab in Manhattan?

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

Call for Negropolis on line 3…

smokefilledroommate December 3, 2012 at 12:01 pm

and/or angry blak guy

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 9:51 am

*sigh* I remember when I got my boot camp haircut.

Fred Humphries II Jr December 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

Something Full Metal Jackety about his picture. These skinheads are really letting themselves go.

corthylio December 3, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I wonder if Mitt Romney gave him that haircut? Egg says Mitt is very giving…

Terry December 3, 2012 at 9:51 am

He looks like he borrowed his big brother's suit.

eggsacklywright December 3, 2012 at 10:13 am

I will grudgingly give him one very tiny point for not wearing a bow tie.

BadKitty904 December 3, 2012 at 10:25 am

Now, if he could just learn to properly tie the one he *is* wearing, presumably borrowed from his Dad…

thatsitfortheother1 December 3, 2012 at 10:28 am

Too bad about the color, but dad had mom tied up with the dark blue one.

Clancy_Pants December 3, 2012 at 9:51 am

What's George Zimmerman doing calling out minorities like this? Not helping your case mon.

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

Stand on the Browns law

noodlesalad December 3, 2012 at 9:52 am

Sorry, Wonketeers, but the First and Second Amendment guarantees that brave keyboard soldiers like Boyle get to be a raycist and stupid as they want and STAND THEIR UNTENABLE INTELLECTUAL GROUNDS forever and ever and you can't say anything nasty about them or suggest that they are handicapped upstairs because that is hatred (of white people, natch) and impeding of their freedumb.

Terry December 3, 2012 at 9:54 am

Yep, he has the right to be raycist and stupid and the internet is here now to create a near-permanent record of what he's saying so that he can embarrass his family for generations.

BadKitty904 December 3, 2012 at 10:03 am

And, ideally, destroy any hope of ever holding public office.

Lot_49 December 3, 2012 at 10:05 am

Erick son of Erick curses you for reminding him of that.

noodlesalad December 3, 2012 at 10:03 am

There's a whole self-help industry waiting to happen for the descendants of these morans.

BadKitty904 December 3, 2012 at 10:08 am

Ya know, now *there's* an interesting bidness opportunity!!!

"The first step, Matt, is admitting you're an ignorant, bigoted dickhead."

eggsacklywright December 3, 2012 at 10:15 am

- Hi, my name's Matt, and I'm an ignorant, bigoted dickhead.

- Hi, Matt.

bikerlaureate December 3, 2012 at 11:02 am

Children of Ignorant, Bigoted Dickheads has more growth potential. Less denial in the next generation…

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 10:12 am

If Darwin was correct, there won't be any future generations as this floater in the shallow end of the gene pool will fap itself into history.

GhostBuggy December 3, 2012 at 10:45 am

So if you fap too much, you'll fade away? I really kind of need to know. For a friend.

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 10:53 am

Tell your friend that tube socks will not bear children, no matter how much lubricant you, I mean, he uses.

thatsitfortheother1 December 3, 2012 at 10:30 am

You sound like a real wingnut except spelling, grammar and lack of ALL CAPS.

Respitetini December 3, 2012 at 9:53 am

Glad someone's out there keeping the world safe for rich white dudes. Also glad the Wingnutterati hires people fluent in Jive.

Diferro_Biga December 4, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Of course they would have people fluent in jive. Even the most brainwashed libtard would have to acknowledge that our communist leader got his start community organizing in the CB4 neighborhood.

FakaktaSouth December 3, 2012 at 9:53 am

Well, thank Mormon Jesus Matthew's got FOUR MORE YEARS notice all the blackness there is, cause BlackBarry ain't going a damn place. Suck it and like it, I know I will.

Fred Humphries II Jr December 3, 2012 at 9:56 am

I don't mean to sound racist…BUT! if we clean up the blah community (i.e. throw in jail, repatriate back to where ever they're from), it'll take care of–oh, 99% of the country's problems, right?

And now I have to take a shower/acid bath after getting my head in a Daily Caller mind space.

FakaktaSouth December 3, 2012 at 10:03 am

Don't forget changing the Social Security retirement age to the average life expectancy of a black man. It will solve all of our deficit probs ever ever ever.

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 10:09 am

"…. the average life expectancy of a black man, PLUS ONE YEAR."
/ fixed

BadKitty904 December 3, 2012 at 10:04 am

Then the next step will be repatriating the white folks back to where ever they're from, right? Right?

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 9:57 am

Wait, so you jumped off the Titanic onto the Lusitania? Bless his stupid, hydrocephalic head.

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 10:07 am

Yo, Boyle, Easter Island called, they want their bighead back.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 10:19 am

TODD & THE MONSTERS LIBEL!

memzilla December 3, 2012 at 10:18 am

You could drill three holes* in the back of that head and probably bowl at least a 220 game.

*with votes

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 10:20 am

I call bullshit. That's a gutterball waiting to happen if I've ever seen one.

memzilla December 3, 2012 at 10:28 am

Go for the 1-3 pocket. You know it's gonna hook to the right.

weejee December 3, 2012 at 10:21 am

♪♫ Sailing, Sailing, over the bounders main
for many a stormy wind shall blow when Jack Boyle comes home again.♫♪

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 9:58 am

CWA = Chigger With Assholitude.

thatsitfortheother1 December 3, 2012 at 10:33 am

Win-esque.

BadKitty904 December 3, 2012 at 9:59 am

So. Who's the chipmunk?

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 10:18 am

Well, he's not wearing glasses so he can't be Simon…

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 11:00 am

ALVIN!!!!! LIBEL

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 11:04 am

I'm thinking more Theodore, in that he doesn't even have Alvin's sense of adventure and is just a fucking moron.

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 11:08 am

Ah Theodore, the Pete Best of the Chipmunks.

Barrelhse December 3, 2012 at 10:00 am

Fucks dead Breitbarts.

LesBontemps December 3, 2012 at 11:06 am

No no no, we lurv dead Andy Breitbarts! (They're the best kind.)

Goonemeritus December 3, 2012 at 10:01 am

The dream of every racist fish is to swim in a bigger racist pond.

sbj1964 December 3, 2012 at 10:02 am

In the words of that late great American Rodney King."Can'ts we alls just gets along."

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 10:05 am

I think Popeye said that. He was the one who had problems with plurals.

Pragmatist2 December 3, 2012 at 10:02 am

Boyle will be revealed as a closeted Black Person in 10…9…8…7…

memzilla December 3, 2012 at 10:03 am

I'd be curious to see Mr. Boyle's word association test.

CrunchyKnee December 3, 2012 at 10:03 am

He has a very punchable face.

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 10:07 am

With votes/ a roll of quarters.

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 10:20 am

Or as they say in Germany, backpfeifengesicht

MosesInvests December 3, 2012 at 10:31 am

Or as they say in Israel, PaDa"M.

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 10:41 am

L'chaim y'all (to those in South Israel)

ManchuCandidate December 3, 2012 at 10:04 am

Race baiter joins circle jerk.

GregComlish December 3, 2012 at 10:28 am

race masturbator?

Lot_49 December 3, 2012 at 10:06 am

But our rising star went on to make quite a name for himself, reporting the shit out of shitting out stories like “Michelle Obama Was Black At Harvard…

FIFY

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 10:06 am

In Matty's defense, Obama is black and Matt needs a paycheck.

4TheTurnstiles December 3, 2012 at 10:06 am

Seems to me this fellow learned a great deal about race from Linda McMahon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQh4gYVXn0Q

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 11:17 am
boskolives December 3, 2012 at 10:07 am

Is this the same "Boyle" that was on Rush's ass, the one that kept him out of the war? That might explain the smell that surrounds him.

ShreditorsDesk December 3, 2012 at 10:13 am

Another refreshing point of view! Like a brand new cup of tea!

prommie December 3, 2012 at 10:14 am

Something about that face is just unfinished. Like, he wasn't done gestating, he looks like one of those half-human things you see on the signs held up by anti-abortion protesters; or like maybe if Rick Santorum's dead baby had lived.

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 10:23 am

DYNASTY LIBEL!

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 10:36 am

Pigman from Seinfeld Libel!

smokefilledroommate December 3, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I heard he sleeps in a jar.

James Michael Curley December 3, 2012 at 10:19 am

Obama is black?

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 10:26 am

My 96-yo granddad recently told my mom that he was not aware until recently that our president was a black man.

Mumbletypeg December 3, 2012 at 10:45 am

For years as a middle school, radio-listening dweeb I thought Steely Dan's singer was a black man. By the time I actually laid eyes on one of their album covers in the store — I was beside myself, not to learn I had their race completely wrong, but that such amazing music could come from such hideous men (I had a lot left to learn — I owe much today to hideousness of all kinds)~

James Michael Curley December 3, 2012 at 11:34 am

He never saw him in daylight?

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 10:29 am

I don't see it. He's so well-spoken.

James Michael Curley December 3, 2012 at 10:38 am

And clean.

BadKitty904 December 3, 2012 at 10:32 am

Isn't O'Bama an Irish name?

James Michael Curley December 3, 2012 at 5:44 pm

“Black Irish” When the Spanish Armada was defeated ….

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 10:35 am

I think he might be some kind of Spanish…

James Michael Curley December 3, 2012 at 5:44 pm

“Black Irish” When the Spanish Armada was defeated ….

prommie December 3, 2012 at 10:46 am

He is "halfrican," according to noted ethnologist Rush Limbaugh.

James Michael Curley December 3, 2012 at 11:28 am

Ethnologist: n., bloated, self infatuated, dispenser of nonsense.

HistoriCat December 3, 2012 at 1:52 pm

If only we had known this before the election!

James Michael Curley December 3, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Damn radio. When’s that TitieVEE thing they’s talkin’ ‘bout startin’?

Estproph December 3, 2012 at 10:20 am

Talk about these people being racist, and they knee-jerk deny it. How the hell does he not know that he is racist?

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 10:32 am

He doesn't know? You sure about that?

Estproph December 3, 2012 at 10:48 am

Actually, no, I'm not sure. Just going by the amount these self-righteous jackholes on the right get so offended by being called racist. I'd be happier if they just owned up to it.

LesBontemps December 3, 2012 at 10:54 am

They're not racist; you're the racist!

bikerlaureate December 3, 2012 at 11:05 am

Yup, someone who wasn't racist wouldn't be so hypersensitive to every little racial slur.

TootsStansbury December 3, 2012 at 10:23 am

Racist cabbage patch kid is racist.

PubOption December 3, 2012 at 10:33 am

Are his pressure and volume constant?

prommie December 3, 2012 at 10:47 am

Thats his law. PV must be C.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 10:55 am

Pity his temperature keeps rising…

zippy_w_pinhead November 27, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I've got to admit, Mika is almost as easy to fap to as those cartoon girls in those posters

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 11:05 am

Toricelli, too. Also.

Plus.

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 11:28 am

Heisenberg called from his grave and asked if you're certain about that.

Oblios_Cap December 3, 2012 at 10:39 am

He certainly isn't much of a credit to his race.

eggsacklywright December 3, 2012 at 10:48 am

But a debit to humanity.

James Michael Curley December 3, 2012 at 10:42 am

Give him a pint of ethylene glycol and the pressure will stay below the point of vaporization.

Steverino247 December 3, 2012 at 10:44 am

A JELLY DONUT?! ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HAVE FOOD IN THE NEWSROOM, PRIVATE BOYLE?

Chow Yun Flat December 3, 2012 at 10:48 am

Dude should learn how to wear a tie before he gets his picture taken.

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 11:02 am

In fairness, his kind only wear ties to funerals, weddings and court dates, so….

Oblios_Cap December 3, 2012 at 11:08 am

I don't see an American flag lapel pin, either!

Commie Bastard.

GhostBuggy December 3, 2012 at 10:49 am

In Ghostly Andy's Scary-Not-Merry Haunted House of Horror, you don't want to know what they dress up as to jump out of the darkness to scare you.

(It's black people. Occasionally a woman seeking contraception, but mostly black people.)

BadKitty904 December 3, 2012 at 10:54 am

Don't forget the homos!

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

And the wimmenz! Frightening stuff, that.

SayItWithWookies December 3, 2012 at 10:56 am

Wow — it seems like just yesterday li'l Trig was getting a spit-comb in his sister's lap and now look at him all grown up.

Negropolis December 3, 2012 at 10:58 am

Ooo, you're going to be in so much trouble when mom finds out.

SayItWithWookies December 3, 2012 at 11:46 am

Which is why I always say, if you can't say something nice about someone, say it during a server migration so the editrix will be too busy to notice.

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 11:02 am

Today, we are all racists — reverse or otherwise.

LesBontemps December 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

Is a reverse racist like a reverse cowgirl?

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 11:25 am

I think you may be on to something.

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 11:29 am

Or into something?

rickmaci December 3, 2012 at 11:04 am

Why do I have a feeling that blowhole has Aryan Nation prison tats under that terrible fitting shirt?

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 11:08 am

Those weren't be choice. His husband made him get them.

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 11:29 am

Lindsay likes tattoos, too?

Wile E. Quixote December 3, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Tucker Carlson is especially proud of the tat he put on Boyle's ass that reads "Tucker's Bottom Bitch – Insert Here".

Mumbletypeg December 3, 2012 at 11:07 am

If babyface Boyle finds the topic of THUGGY too menacing… I'd like to see him take on the Huggy element…

SayItWithWookies December 3, 2012 at 11:56 am

Mr. Boyle could probably use a good strong editorial pimp hand to focus his efforts. And by the looks of his authorial labors, he's good at doing the same dirty job over and over again.

smokefilledroommate December 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

Racist goes to work for Big Racist..

Ground Zero Mostel December 3, 2012 at 11:13 am

Was never aware of his existence before and will now go back to that state.

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 11:17 am

Alt alt-text: "If elected student body president, I will…"

smokefilledroommate December 3, 2012 at 11:22 am

"remove all non-whites from the school"..

BaldarTFlagass December 3, 2012 at 11:19 am

OK, we've looked at Zardoz-head up there at the top of the page quite long enough, thanks. Dok, you got any ponies?

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 11:33 am

5 seconds was "quite long enough" for me, I'd fap for unicorns at this point.

corthylio December 3, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Sorry- I've gotta disagree- even this is better than those damned ponies.

mavenmaven December 3, 2012 at 11:19 am

"green energy boondoggles"
That's my favorite breakfast cereal!

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 11:44 am

WHEATIES LIBEL!

viennawoods13 December 3, 2012 at 11:34 am

OT: I am officially pleased about the new server. Now I can log in at work without always getting Lying lies of Paul Ryan from August!!

boskolives December 3, 2012 at 11:47 am

"Lying lies of Paul Ryan" is redundant, the same as saying "An asshole in a pickup truck", or "A Conservative Republican".

gullywompr December 3, 2012 at 11:41 am

It's not a "Tube".

Also too, no Starbucks in Foggy Bottom.

Precogs? That's classified…

Chow Yun Flat December 3, 2012 at 11:51 am

Looks like Baby Huey on a bad day.

DahBoner December 3, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Chubby No-neck says "Where my biscuits?"…

Rufus T. Firefly December 3, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Awesome alt text!

corthylio December 3, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Looks more like a cub scout than a cub reporter…

GeneralLerong December 3, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Apropos of nothing, it's probably not good if the targeted ads one is seeing include Underberg by the case?

Auto Editor Sees All. All Hail Auto Editor.

bobbert December 3, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Assume Boyle burst.

Cleopatriot December 3, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Did he have head lice? Is that why his hair is cut off?

imissopus December 3, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I was skimming his "Hi my name is Matthew and I'll be your investigative reporter today" intro over at Dead Breitbart and man, forget the content, he is just a shitty writer. Also, he is only 25, for fuck's sake. I didn't know anything when I was 25 either. This will be fun.

Wile E. Quixote December 3, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Oh, the one entitled "I’m enlisting to fight in Andrew Breitbart’s war." I'd be more impressed if the little fuck would enlist in the Army, oh and let me point out that by the time I was little Matthew's age I had been in for eight years.

LibrarianX December 3, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Which Teletubby was he? Dipsy? Laa-Laa?

SaintRond December 3, 2012 at 2:46 pm

He's a funny little imp.

BZ1 December 3, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Matthew is in fact, a boil.

ttommyunger December 4, 2012 at 11:43 am

It is obviously a fact: there is no bottom to the Right-Wing Barrel.

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 11:00 am

Then it's definitely true!

corthylio December 3, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I read it on the Internet too, also. It must be true!

actor212 December 3, 2012 at 11:03 am

See? Now it's been confirmed!

Esteev December 3, 2012 at 11:05 am

This Internet stuff is easy.

MacRaith December 3, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Oh, here's an enormous opportunity! Because everyone thinks their parents are ignorant dickheads at least once in their life. Usually when they're around 15 or 16.

GhostBuggy December 3, 2012 at 1:14 pm

So, what I'm getting from this is, "stay away from argyle." Done and done!

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