jive turkeys

Intrepid Reporter Matthew Boyle To Write About Thuggy Black People For Ghost Andrew Breitbart

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Take a skinhead bowlingThe first time we came across the work of cub reporter Matthew Boyle, he was calling for Minority Report precogs to watch over the DC Metro (Tube?) and possibly secretly installing Nannycams in Foggy Bottom Starbucks restrooms. But our rising star went on to make quite a name for himself, reporting the shit out of stories like “Michelle Obama Was Black At Harvard,” “Barack Obama Is A New Black Panther,” “WHAT, The DNC Is Registering Black People To Vote???” and the unexpected twist in his oeuvre (because it was not about black people) “Hey Look, This Jew Is A Communist.” And now our little Matthew is all growed up and leaving Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller (did he get fired, or hired away? There is simply no way to ever know) for the big leagues of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Boo-Riffic Night-Time Halloween Haunt.

It’s not that Ghost Andrew Breitbart was a slouch in the Obama Hugs Black Guy stories — they did, after all, produce the masterpiece “Obama Hugs Black Guy.” But they simply couldn’t meet the breadth and depth of the Daily Caller’s BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACKITY BLACK HE’S BLACK Y’ALL journalisms. And obviously, that had to change.

We wish Matthew Boyle all the luck in the world reporting his next masterpiece, “Sasha and Malia Obama: Knocked Up By Thugs?”

And if you a current or lapsed Klan member you may want to apply over at Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller before MediaBistro gets the listing and John Derbyshire beats you to it.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Not_So_Much

    Ricks can't prove that he never didn't do something that he would never do anyway. Probably.

  • Goonemeritus

    “Joe Scarborough wants everyone to make $250,000 per year. “

    Public sector workers will be delighted to hear this.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Eww, more ooze from a Matthew "Lanced" Boil piece.

  • memzilla

    "Boyle"… I wonder… is that a Blah Irish name?

    • BadKitty904

      Suspicious. Very suspicious…

    • Lot_49

      No Irish need apply.

      It wasn't that long ago, Matt.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      More like Brown Irish, in that other Irishmen think he's shite.

      • WhatTheHeck

        Hey Actor, Oy’ll be having a Black Oyrish please.
        I love the smell of Guinness and whisky in the morning.

    • Negropolis

      O'Bamaugh is an Blah Irish name. I don't know what the hell Boyle is outside of something you lance.

      • valgal2342

        Boyle is a town in county Roscommon, Ireland.

        • Negropolis

          I'm sure it is.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I'd have thought one would pursue Rick Santorum as a feature celebrity blahgger.
    He may not be 'intrepid' but he's certainly been misintrepided often enough.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He would have wanted actual money.

      Chipmunk here literally works for peanuts.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Apparently WIng Nut Daily locked Santorum up to an "exclusive" deal. Exclusively what, beyond batshit crazy, I have no idea.

    • MegPasadena

      Rick is all tied up at the World Net Daily for his “columns”.

    • Mahousu

      Pursuing Santorum is not a good idea.

      Remember, it means you're behind him.

  • eggsacklywright

    Somebody poured cold molasses on our innertubes.

    • sewollef

      Damn right. I was so besides myself with impatience and not waitingness, that I went and made myself a cup of tea only to come back and it hadn't finished loading yet.

      Is this what happens when you get a boil on your neck?

    • MacRaith

      It's slower than mole's asses in January, sure enough.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    But boy can that Boyle woman sing.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Could be Matt wearing a dress?

      Well, have YOU ever seen them in the same room? It would be irresponsible not to speculate!

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Sources say…

        • Esteev

          So do some people.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Y'know, I've now read that on the Internet in at least three different places…

          • Esteev

            Then it's definitely true!

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            See? Now it's been confirmed!

          • Esteev

            This Internet stuff is easy.

          • corthylio

            I read it on the Internet too, also. It must be true!

    • Negropolis

      "I dreamed a dream of times gone by
      A time when niggras knew their places…."

      Matthew Boyle, everyone.

  • http://academia.edu/2156577/Critical_Bioregionalist_Method_in_Dune_A_Position_Paper 4TheTurnstiles

    Golly, does he ever got soul!

  • memzilla

    If only we had some black Wonkeratti who could weigh in on this…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I was black as recently as 50,000 years ago. Does that count?

      • Redgyal

        Well, can you or can't you catch a cab in Manhattan?

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Call for Negropolis on line 3…

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        and/or angry blak guy

  • BaldarTFlagass

    *sigh* I remember when I got my boot camp haircut.

    • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Fred Humphries II Jr

      Something Full Metal Jackety about his picture. These skinheads are really letting themselves go.

    • corthylio

      I wonder if Mitt Romney gave him that haircut? Egg says Mitt is very giving…

  • Terry

    He looks like he borrowed his big brother's suit.

    • eggsacklywright

      I will grudgingly give him one very tiny point for not wearing a bow tie.

      • BadKitty904

        Now, if he could just learn to properly tie the one he *is* wearing, presumably borrowed from his Dad…

        • thatsitfortheother1

          Too bad about the color, but dad had mom tied up with the dark blue one.

  • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    What's George Zimmerman doing calling out minorities like this? Not helping your case mon.

    • Esteev

      Stand on the Browns law

  • noodlesalad

    Sorry, Wonketeers, but the First and Second Amendment guarantees that brave keyboard soldiers like Boyle get to be a raycist and stupid as they want and STAND THEIR UNTENABLE INTELLECTUAL GROUNDS forever and ever and you can't say anything nasty about them or suggest that they are handicapped upstairs because that is hatred (of white people, natch) and impeding of their freedumb.

    • Terry

      Yep, he has the right to be raycist and stupid and the internet is here now to create a near-permanent record of what he's saying so that he can embarrass his family for generations.

      • BadKitty904

        And, ideally, destroy any hope of ever holding public office.

        • Lot_49

          Erick son of Erick curses you for reminding him of that.

      • noodlesalad

        There's a whole self-help industry waiting to happen for the descendants of these morans.

        • BadKitty904

          Ya know, now *there's* an interesting bidness opportunity!!!

          "The first step, Matt, is admitting you're an ignorant, bigoted dickhead."

          • eggsacklywright

            – Hi, my name's Matt, and I'm an ignorant, bigoted dickhead.

            – Hi, Matt.

          • bikerlaureate

            Children of Ignorant, Bigoted Dickheads has more growth potential. Less denial in the next generation…

          • MacRaith

            Oh, here's an enormous opportunity! Because everyone thinks their parents are ignorant dickheads at least once in their life. Usually when they're around 15 or 16.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        If Darwin was correct, there won't be any future generations as this floater in the shallow end of the gene pool will fap itself into history.

        • GhostBuggy

          So if you fap too much, you'll fade away? I really kind of need to know. For a friend.

          • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

            Tell your friend that tube socks will not bear children, no matter how much lubricant you, I mean, he uses.

          • GhostBuggy

            So, what I'm getting from this is, "stay away from argyle." Done and done!

    • thatsitfortheother1

      You sound like a real wingnut except spelling, grammar and lack of ALL CAPS.

  • Respitetini

    Glad someone's out there keeping the world safe for rich white dudes. Also glad the Wingnutterati hires people fluent in Jive.

    • Diferro_Biga

      Of course they would have people fluent in jive. Even the most brainwashed libtard would have to acknowledge that our communist leader got his start community organizing in the CB4 neighborhood.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Well, thank Mormon Jesus Matthew's got FOUR MORE YEARS notice all the blackness there is, cause BlackBarry ain't going a damn place. Suck it and like it, I know I will.

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Fred Humphries II Jr

    I don't mean to sound racist…BUT! if we clean up the blah community (i.e. throw in jail, repatriate back to where ever they're from), it'll take care of–oh, 99% of the country's problems, right?

    And now I have to take a shower/acid bath after getting my head in a Daily Caller mind space.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Don't forget changing the Social Security retirement age to the average life expectancy of a black man. It will solve all of our deficit probs ever ever ever.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        "…. the average life expectancy of a black man, PLUS ONE YEAR."
        / fixed

    • BadKitty904

      Then the next step will be repatriating the white folks back to where ever they're from, right? Right?

  • Negropolis

    Wait, so you jumped off the Titanic onto the Lusitania? Bless his stupid, hydrocephalic head.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yo, Boyle, Easter Island called, they want their bighead back.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        TODD & THE MONSTERS LIBEL!

    • memzilla

      You could drill three holes* in the back of that head and probably bowl at least a 220 game.

      *with votes

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I call bullshit. That's a gutterball waiting to happen if I've ever seen one.

        • memzilla

          Go for the 1-3 pocket. You know it's gonna hook to the right.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      ♪♫ Sailing, Sailing, over the bounders main
      for many a stormy wind shall blow when Jack Boyle comes home again.♫♪

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    CWA = Chigger With Assholitude.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Win-esque.

  • BadKitty904

    So. Who's the chipmunk?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, he's not wearing glasses so he can't be Simon…

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        ALVIN!!!!! LIBEL

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          I'm thinking more Theodore, in that he doesn't even have Alvin's sense of adventure and is just a fucking moron.

          • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

            Ah Theodore, the Pete Best of the Chipmunks.

  • Barrelhse

    Fucks dead Breitbarts.

    • LesBontemps

      No no no, we lurv dead Andy Breitbarts! (They're the best kind.)

  • Goonemeritus

    The dream of every racist fish is to swim in a bigger racist pond.

  • sbj1964

    In the words of that late great American Rodney King."Can'ts we alls just gets along."

    • Negropolis

      I think Popeye said that. He was the one who had problems with plurals.

  • Pragmatist2

    Boyle will be revealed as a closeted Black Person in 10…9…8…7…

  • memzilla

    I'd be curious to see Mr. Boyle's word association test.

  • CrunchyKnee

    He has a very punchable face.

    • Esteev

      With votes/ a roll of quarters.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Or as they say in Germany, backpfeifengesicht

      • MosesInvests

        Or as they say in Israel, PaDa"M.

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          L'chaim y'all (to those in South Israel)

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Race baiter joins circle jerk.

    • GregComlish

      race masturbator?

  • Lot_49

    But our rising star went on to make quite a name for himself, reporting the shit out of shitting out stories like “Michelle Obama Was Black At Harvard…

    FIFY

  • Esteev

    In Matty's defense, Obama is black and Matt needs a paycheck.

  • http://academia.edu/2156577/Critical_Bioregionalist_Method_in_Dune_A_Position_Paper 4TheTurnstiles

    Seems to me this fellow learned a great deal about race from Linda McMahon:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQh4gYVXn0Q

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    Is this the same "Boyle" that was on Rush's ass, the one that kept him out of the war? That might explain the smell that surrounds him.

  • ShreditorsDesk

    Another refreshing point of view! Like a brand new cup of tea!

  • prommie

    Something about that face is just unfinished. Like, he wasn't done gestating, he looks like one of those half-human things you see on the signs held up by anti-abortion protesters; or like maybe if Rick Santorum's dead baby had lived.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      DYNASTY LIBEL!

    • Esteev

      Pigman from Seinfeld Libel!

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      I heard he sleeps in a jar.

  • James Michael Curley

    Obama is black?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      My 96-yo granddad recently told my mom that he was not aware until recently that our president was a black man.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        For years as a middle school, radio-listening dweeb I thought Steely Dan's singer was a black man. By the time I actually laid eyes on one of their album covers in the store — I was beside myself, not to learn I had their race completely wrong, but that such amazing music could come from such hideous men (I had a lot left to learn — I owe much today to hideousness of all kinds)~

      • James Michael Curley

        He never saw him in daylight?

    • Esteev

      I don't see it. He's so well-spoken.

      • James Michael Curley

        And clean.

    • BadKitty904

      Isn't O'Bama an Irish name?

      • James Michael Curley

        “Black Irish” When the Spanish Armada was defeated ….

    • Negropolis

      I think he might be some kind of Spanish…

      • James Michael Curley

        “Black Irish” When the Spanish Armada was defeated ….

    • prommie

      He is "halfrican," according to noted ethnologist Rush Limbaugh.

      • James Michael Curley

        Ethnologist: n., bloated, self infatuated, dispenser of nonsense.

    • HistoriCat

      If only we had known this before the election!

      • James Michael Curley

        Damn radio. When’s that TitieVEE thing they’s talkin’ ‘bout startin’?

  • Estproph

    Talk about these people being racist, and they knee-jerk deny it. How the hell does he not know that he is racist?

    • Negropolis

      He doesn't know? You sure about that?

      • Estproph

        Actually, no, I'm not sure. Just going by the amount these self-righteous jackholes on the right get so offended by being called racist. I'd be happier if they just owned up to it.

        • LesBontemps

          They're not racist; you're the racist!

          • bikerlaureate

            Yup, someone who wasn't racist wouldn't be so hypersensitive to every little racial slur.

  • TootsStansbury

    Racist cabbage patch kid is racist.

  • PubOption

    Are his pressure and volume constant?

    • prommie

      Thats his law. PV must be C.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Pity his temperature keeps rising…

      • zippy_w_pinhead

        I've got to admit, Mika is almost as easy to fap to as those cartoon girls in those posters

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Toricelli, too. Also.

          Plus.

          • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

            Heisenberg called from his grave and asked if you're certain about that.

  • Oblios_Cap

    He certainly isn't much of a credit to his race.

    • eggsacklywright

      But a debit to humanity.

  • James Michael Curley

    Give him a pint of ethylene glycol and the pressure will stay below the point of vaporization.

  • Steverino247

    A JELLY DONUT?! ARE YOU ALLOWED TO HAVE FOOD IN THE NEWSROOM, PRIVATE BOYLE?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Dude should learn how to wear a tie before he gets his picture taken.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      In fairness, his kind only wear ties to funerals, weddings and court dates, so….

    • Oblios_Cap

      I don't see an American flag lapel pin, either!

      Commie Bastard.

  • GhostBuggy

    In Ghostly Andy's Scary-Not-Merry Haunted House of Horror, you don't want to know what they dress up as to jump out of the darkness to scare you.

    (It's black people. Occasionally a woman seeking contraception, but mostly black people.)

    • BadKitty904

      Don't forget the homos!

      • Esteev

        And the wimmenz! Frightening stuff, that.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Wow — it seems like just yesterday li'l Trig was getting a spit-comb in his sister's lap and now look at him all grown up.

    • Negropolis

      Ooo, you're going to be in so much trouble when mom finds out.

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        Which is why I always say, if you can't say something nice about someone, say it during a server migration so the editrix will be too busy to notice.

  • Esteev

    Today, we are all racists — reverse or otherwise.

    • LesBontemps

      Is a reverse racist like a reverse cowgirl?

      • Esteev

        I think you may be on to something.

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          Or into something?

  • rickmaci

    Why do I have a feeling that blowhole has Aryan Nation prison tats under that terrible fitting shirt?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Those weren't be choice. His husband made him get them.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        Lindsay likes tattoos, too?

      • Wile E. Quixote

        Tucker Carlson is especially proud of the tat he put on Boyle's ass that reads "Tucker's Bottom Bitch – Insert Here".

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    If babyface Boyle finds the topic of THUGGY too menacing… I'd like to see him take on the Huggy element…

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      Mr. Boyle could probably use a good strong editorial pimp hand to focus his efforts. And by the looks of his authorial labors, he's good at doing the same dirty job over and over again.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Racist goes to work for Big Racist..

  • http://www.marionstein.net Ground Zero Mostel

    Was never aware of his existence before and will now go back to that state.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Alt alt-text: "If elected student body president, I will…"

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      "remove all non-whites from the school"..

  • BaldarTFlagass

    OK, we've looked at Zardoz-head up there at the top of the page quite long enough, thanks. Dok, you got any ponies?

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      5 seconds was "quite long enough" for me, I'd fap for unicorns at this point.

    • corthylio

      Sorry- I've gotta disagree- even this is better than those damned ponies.

  • mavenmaven

    "green energy boondoggles"
    That's my favorite breakfast cereal!

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      WHEATIES LIBEL!

  • viennawoods13

    OT: I am officially pleased about the new server. Now I can log in at work without always getting Lying lies of Paul Ryan from August!!

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      "Lying lies of Paul Ryan" is redundant, the same as saying "An asshole in a pickup truck", or "A Conservative Republican".

  • gullywompr

    It's not a "Tube".

    Also too, no Starbucks in Foggy Bottom.

    Precogs? That's classified…

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Looks like Baby Huey on a bad day.

  • DahBoner

    Chubby No-neck says "Where my biscuits?"…

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ Rufus T. Firefly

    Awesome alt text!

  • corthylio

    Looks more like a cub scout than a cub reporter…

  • GeneralLerong

    Apropos of nothing, it's probably not good if the targeted ads one is seeing include Underberg by the case?

    Auto Editor Sees All. All Hail Auto Editor.

  • bobbert

    Assume Boyle burst.

  • Cleopatriot

    Did he have head lice? Is that why his hair is cut off?

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    I was skimming his "Hi my name is Matthew and I'll be your investigative reporter today" intro over at Dead Breitbart and man, forget the content, he is just a shitty writer. Also, he is only 25, for fuck's sake. I didn't know anything when I was 25 either. This will be fun.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Oh, the one entitled "I’m enlisting to fight in Andrew Breitbart’s war." I'd be more impressed if the little fuck would enlist in the Army, oh and let me point out that by the time I was little Matthew's age I had been in for eight years.

  • LibrarianX

    Which Teletubby was he? Dipsy? Laa-Laa?

  • SaintRond

    He's a funny little imp.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Matthew is in fact, a boil.

  • ttommyunger

    It is obviously a fact: there is no bottom to the Right-Wing Barrel.